1. This letter from me, which has been brought to you by my very dear son and fellow-deacon, Timothy, d was ready for his departure, when my sons Quodvultdeus and Gaudentius e reached us with a letter from you. That is the reason why Timothy, who was departing forthwith, did not bring a reply from me, since after their arrival he waited with us here only a very short time and was apparently on the point of departure at any minute. But even if I had sent a reply by him, I should still be in your debt, for even now, though I seem to have replied, I am in your debt, I do not mean for affection, for the more we have paid of that, the more we owe (we are always in debt for it, as the Apostle's words show, “Owe no man anything but to love one another” a). but for this letter of yours; for when could I make a fair return for your graciousness and the great eagerness of your spirit conveyed to me in the reading of your letter? Not that it told me anything in you that was not well known to me before, but yet, though not suggesting anything new, it was a new demand for a reply.
1. Epistula mea, quam pervexit carissimus filius et condiaconus noster Timotheus, iam parata erat profectum, quando filii nostri Quodvultdeus et Gaudentius ad nos venerunt cum litteris tuis. Inde factum est, ut continuo proficiscens non adferret responsionem meam, quoniam post illorum adventum quantulumcumque apud nos inmoratus est et profecturus per horas singulas videbatur. Sed etsi per eum respondissem, adhuc debitor forem. Nam et nunc, quod videor respondisse, debitor sum, non dico caritatis, quam tanto magis debemus quanto amplius inpenderimus, cuius nos perpetuos debitores ostendit apostolus dicens: Nemini quicquam debeatis, nisi ut invicem diligatis, sed ipsius epistulae tuae; quando enim sufficiant tuae suavitati tantaeque aviditati animi tui, quam mihi lecta nuntiavit? Rem quidem in te mihi notissimam insinuavit; verum tamen etsi non mihi rei novae insinuatrix, nova tamen rescriptorum exactrix fuit.
2. You perhaps wonder why I describe myself as unable to make an adequate repayment of this debt, when you, who know me as well as my own soul does, have conceived so great an opinion of me. But it is this very fact that makes it so difficult for me to reply to your letter, because I refrain for your modesty's sake from expressing the great esteem I entertain for you, and so by this restraint in expressing myself, when you have heaped so much praise upon me, what can I do but remain in your debt? This I should not mind, if I knew that your remarks to me about myself were inspired by flattery, that destroyer of friendship, and not by a very genuine affection, for in those circumstances I should not have been in debt at all, as it would have been no duty to pay back in the same coin. But the better I know the sincerity of mind with which you speak, the more I realize the burden of debt with which I am saddled.
2. Miraris fortasse cur me huius debiti persolutorem inparem dicam, cum tu de me tam multum sentias, qui me tamquam anima mea noveris. Sed hoc ipsum est, quod mihi magnam difficultatem facit respondendi litteris tuis, quia et quantus mihi videaris, parco dicere propter verecundiam tuam, et utique minus dicendo, cum tu in me tantam laudem contuleris, quid nisi debitor remanebo? Quod non curarem, si ea quae de me ad me locutus es, non ex caritate sincerissima dicta scirem sed adulatione inimica amicitiae. Hoc quippe modo nec debitor fierent, quia talia rependere non deberem; sed quanto magis novi quam fideli animo loqueris, tanto magis video quanto debito graver.
3. Now just see what I have brought upon myself: in saying that you were sincere in praising me, I have been in a way praising myself. Yet what else could I say than what I have suggested about yourself, what else than what you know? But there I have put myself in another dilemma, one you did not set for me and which you perhaps expect me to resolve. Was it not enough for me to be in your debt without burdening myself with a debt even greater? Still, it is easy to show (and if I do not show, it is easy for you to see) that the truth can be uttered with insincerity, and untruth with sincerity; for a man who believes what he says speaks with sincerity, even if what he says be untrue, while a man who does not believe what he says speaks with insincerity, even if what he says be true. Have I any doubt that you do believe what you wrote about me? Yet, when I fail to recognize in myself the things you praise, it is possible that in all sincerity you were saying about me what was not true.
3. Vide autem quid mihi contigit, ut me quodam modo ipse laudaverim, qui me a te fideliter laudatum dixerim. Sed quid aliud dicerem quam id quod de te admonui, quam nosti? Ecce mihi novam feci quaestionem, quam tu non proposuisti, et eam fortassis expectas ut solvam. Ita mihi parum erat quod debitor eram, nisi etiam me ampliore debito ipse cumularem. Quamquam hoc facile sit ostendere et, si non ostendam, facile tibi videre, et vera infideliter dici posse et non vera fideliter. Qui enim sic credit ut loquitur, etsi non vera loquitur, fideliter loquitur; qui autem non credit quae loquitur, etsi vera loquitur, infideliter loquitur. Numquid ergo dubito quod ea de me credas, quae scripsisti? Quae cum in me non agnosco, potuisti fideliter de me non vera dicere.
4. But I do not want you to be so misled even in your kindness of heart; to that kindness I am already in debt, since I could say with no less sincerity and no less kindness things that are true about you, if I were not anxious, as I said already, to spare your modesty. As for me, when praise is given me by one who is very near and very dear to my soul, I feel as if I were being praised by myself. So you see how embarrassing a position it is, even if what is said is true; how much more embarrassing since you, being my other soul—nay, we are but one soul, you and I—are just as misled in thinking I possess qualities that I do not possess, as a single individual can be misled about himself. And I do not want that to happen, not simply to keep you, so dear a friend of mine, from being misled, but also to keep you from slackening in your prayers that I may become what you believe I am already. I am not in your debt in such a way that with the same kindness and anticipation I should believe and speak favourably about qualities which you yourself are aware of not as yet possessing, but I am in debt in this way, that with just the same kindliness of intention I may describe you as possessing those good qualities, sent from God above, which I am certain are in you. And if I refrain from doing so, it is not from fear that I may be misled, but from fear that when I have been praising you, you may seem to have been praising yourself, and because of that principle of justice. a since I do not' want this done to myself. If this should be done, I prefer to be in debt as long as I keep thinking that it should not be done; but if it should not be done, then am I not in debt.
4. Sed nolo te vel benivolentia sic falli. Cui benivolentiae debitor sum, quia et tam fideliter et tam benivole ea quae vera sunt, possem de te dicere, nisi, ut supra dixi, verecundiae tuae parcerem. Ego autem quando laudor a germanissimo et familiarissime animae meae, velut a me ipso lauder, sic habeo. Quod cernis quam molestum sit, etiam si vera dicantur; quanto potius, quia etiam, cum sis altera anima mea, immo una sit anima tua et mea, sic in me falleris putando mihi adesse quae desunt, quo modo et de se ipse unus homo falli potest! Quod non tantum ideo nolo, ne, quem diligo, tu fallaris, verum etiam ne minus ores, ut sim quod iam esse me credis. Nec in eo sum tibi debitor, ut eodem progressu benivolentiae credam et loquar de te bona quae adhuc et tu tibi deesse cognoscis, sed ut animo tam quidem benivolo ea tamen dicam bona tua, dona dei, de quibus in te certus sum. Quod non ideo non facio, ne fallar in eis, sed ne tu a me laudatus ipse te laudasse videaris et propter illam iustitiae regulam, quia mihi fieri nolo. Quod si fieri debet, eligo esse debitor, quam diu puto non esse faciendum; si autem fieri non debet, nec debitor sum.
5. But I know the answer you may make to this: “You speak as if I had wanted from you a lengthy letter in my praise.” Far be it from me to think that of you: yet your letter, so full of my praises (how true or untrue no matter), did demand this repayment from me, even if you did not intend it. For if you wished me to write in any other way, it was not a repayment you wanted from me but a fresh gift. Moreover, justice prescribes this order, that we should pay our debt first, and that only then we should, if we so decide, make a gift to our creditor in addition: yet, even the things you wanted me to write to you are, if we more carefully consider the Lord's injunctions, a repayment rather than a gift, if we are to owe no man anything but to love one another b; for love requires the payment of our debt, to the end that, in obedience to brotherly affection, we may, wherever we can, help him who has the right desire to be helped. But, my brother, I think you know how full my hands are; into them even the smallest drops of time hardly trickle for my refreshment amid the anxieties that constitute the inevitable bondage of a servant of the Lord. If I squander those on other business, I seem to myself to be neglecting my duties.
5. Sed novi, quid mihi ad haec respondere possis: “Ita ista loqueris, quasi prolixam epistulam tuam de laudibus meis desideraverim.” Absit ut hoc de te credam; sed epistula tua nolo dicere quam veris vel quam non veris plena tamen laudibus meis hoc de me ut rependerem etiam te nolente flagitavit. Nam si quid aliud volebas ut scriberem, largitorem me desiderabas, non redditorem. Porro iustitiae ordo sic habet, ut debitum prius reddamus, tum deinde, cui reddimus, si hoc placet, aliquid et donemus: quamquam etiam talia qualia desiderasti ut scriberem, si diligentius praecepta dominica cogitemus, reddimus potius quam donamus, si nemini quicquam debendum est, nisi ut invicem diligamus. Ipsa quippe dilectio exigit debitum, ut fraternae caritati servientes eum qui se adiuvari recte velit, in quo possumus, adiuvemus. Sed, mi frater, et tu credo quod noveris quanta sint in manibus meis, quibus adversus curas quas nostrae servitutis neces- sitas habet, vix mihi paucissimae guttae temporis stillantur, quas aliis rebus si inpendero, contra officium meum mihi facere videor.
6. Yet, when you want me to write you a lengthy letter, I do indeed owe you that, I must confess; I surely do owe that to your sweet, sincere, and single-minded desire. But since you are a good lover of justice, I warn you to hear with the greater favour what I say about this object of your affection. You see that what I owe to you and others as well has a prior claim over what I owe to you alone; and time fails me for everything, when it fails me even for my first duties. So all those who are nearest and dearest to me (and in Christ's name you are among the first of these) will only be doing their duty if they not only lay no further burden of writing on me themselves, but with all the authority and holy kindness they can, forbid others also to do so, so that I may not seem hard-hearted when I fail to give what each one has asked, my own desire being all the time to pay the debt I owe to all. Finally, when your Reverence visits me, as I hope you will, for I have your promise, you will understand with what literary tasks so much of my time is taken up, and you will be more insistent in doing what I have asked, deterring any others you can from their desire to impose any more writing on me. May the Lord our God fill your spacious and holy breast and heart which He Himself has made, my most saintly lord!
6. Quod enim vis, ut ad te prolixam epistulam scribam, et hoc quidem debeo, fateor; debeo prorsus hoc tam dulci, tam sincerae, tam mera e voluntati tuae. Sed quia bonus es amator iustitiae, inde te admoneo, ut de illa quam diligis, hoc a me libentius audias. Cernis prius esse quod et tibi et aliis quam quod tibi tantum modo debeo; et tempus ad omnia mihi non sufficit, quando nec ad illa quae priora sunt. Unde omnes carissimi et familiarissimi mei, quorum in nomine Christi inter primos mihi es, rem facient officii sui, si non solum mihi alia scribenda ipsi non inponant, verum etiam ceteros quanta possunt auctoritate et sancta benignitate prohibeant, ne videar ego durus, cum a singulis petita non dedero, dum ea magis volo reddere, quae omnibus debeo. Denique cum, sicut speramus et promissum tenemus, ad nos venerit venerabilitas tua, scies quibus operibus litterarum et quantum occupatus sim, et instantius facies quod rogavi, ut et alios, quos potueris, mihi aliquid aliud scribendum volentes iniungere a me demoliaris. Dominus deus noster impleat cordis tui tam grandem et tam sanctum sinum, quem ipse fecit, domine beatissime.