1. After reading your Reverence's letter and asking its bearer the questions that remained to be asked, I have been very greatly grieved that you chose so to act towards your husband that the edifice of chastity which had already begun to be built up in him has, through his failure to persevere, toppled to the pitiful downfall of adultery. If after making to God a vow of chastity and already undertaking its observance in deed and in disposition, he had returned to his wife's body, his case would have been deplorable enough; but how much more deplorable is it now that he has plunged to deeper destruction, with such precipitate collapse into adultery, furious towards you, injurious to himself, as if his rage at you would be the more violent if he accomplished his own ruin! This great mischief has come about because you failed to treat him with the moderation you ought, for although by agreement you were no longer coming together in carnal intercourse, vet in all other things you ought to have shown the subjection of a wife to your husband in compliance with the marriage-bond, especially as you were both members of the body of Christ. b Indeed, if you, a believer, had had a husband who was an unbeliever, it would have been your duty to conduct yourself with submissiveness, as the Apostles enjoined, so as to win him to the Lord.
1. Lectis litteris reverentiae tuae et earum perlatore interrogato, quae interroganda restabant, vehementer dolui sic te voluisse agere cum marito, ut aedificium continentiae, quod in eo iam construi coeperat, amissa perseverantia in adulterii ruinam miserabiliter laberetur. Cum enim lugendus esset, si post continentiam votam deo iamque actu ipso moribusque susceptam reverteretur ad coniugis carnem, quanto magis nunc demersus in interitum profundiorem lugendus est, qui tam abrupta dissolutione moechatur iratus tibi perniciosus sibi, tamquam in te acerbius saeviat, si ipse pereat! Hoc autem tantum mali accidit, dum tu eius animum non qua debuisti moderatione tractasti, quia, etsi carnali consortio iam ex consensu vobis non miscebamini, in ceteris tamen rebus coniugali obsequio viro tuo mulier servire debuisti, praesertim cum ambo essetis membra corporis Christi Et utique, si maritum infidelem fidelis habuisses, agere te conversatione subdita oportuit, ut eum domino lucrareris, sicut apostoli monuerunt.
2. I leave out of account the fact that I know you took this chastity upon yourself before he consented, which was not according to sound doctrine, for he should not have been defrauded of the debt you owed him of your body, before his will too joined with yours in seeking that good which is above conjugal chastity. But perhaps you had not read or heard or meditated upon the apostle's words: It is good for a man not to touch a woman; nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence; and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to prayer; and come together again that Satan tempt you not because of your incontinency. a According to these words of the apostle's, even if he had desired to practise chastity and you had not, he would be bound to “render you due benevolence,” and God would give him credit for chastity, since he would have been granting you marital intercourse through regard not for his own weakness but for yours, so as to prevent you from falling into the damnable sin of adultery. How much more fitting was it that you, who ought to have been in greater subjection, should give way to his desire in the rendering of this benevolence, so that he might not be led by the devil's tempting into adultery, since your desire for chastity would have been acceptable to God, as you were unable to carry it out for fear of driving your husband to destruction! I leave this fact, as I said, out of account, because after you had refused to consent to render him this conjugal benevolence he consented to the same bond of continence and lived for a long time in the greatest continence with you; and by consenting he absolved you from your sin in denying him carnal benevolence. So now in this problem of yours the question is not involved whether you ought to return to intercourse with your husband; for what you both with one consent vowed unto God, you both ought to have persevered unto the end in paying; even if he has fallen away from your resolution, do you at least persevere in it with the utmost fidelity. I should not be urging you to this course unless for the fact that he gave you his consent to that plan; for if you had never obtained his assent, no lapse of years would excuse you, but had you consulted me, however long afterwards, I should have made you no other answer than the saying of the apostle: “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband.” a By this power of his he had already allowed you to practise continence and undertook to practise it with you himself.
2. Omitto enim, quod ipsam continentiam, illo non- dum volente, non secundum sanam doctrinam te suscepisse cognovi. Neque enim corporis tui debito fraudandus fuit, priusquam ad illud bonum quod superat pudicitiam coniugalem, tuae voluntati voluntas quoque eius accederet, nisi forte non legeras nec audieras vel non adtenderas apostolum dicentem: Bonum est homini mulierem non tangere; propter fornicationes autem unusquisque suam uxorem habeat et unaquaeque suum virum habeat. Uxori vir debitum reddat, similiter autem et uxor viro. Uxor non habet potestatem corporis sui sed vir; similiter autem ei vir non habet potestatem corporis sui sed mulier. Nolite fraudare invicem nisi ex consensu ad tempus, ut vacetis orationi, et iterum ad id ipsum estote, ne vos temptet Satanas propter incontinentiam vestram. Secundum haec verba apostolica, etiam si se ipse continere voluisset et tu noluisses, debitum tibi reddere cogeretur et illi deus inputaret continentiam, si non suae sed tuae cedens infirmitati, ne in adulterii damnabile flagitium caderes, maritalem tibi concubitum non negaret; quanto magis te, quam magis subiectam esse decuerat, ne ipse quoque in adulterium diabolica temptatione traheretur, in reddendo huius modi debito voluntati eius obtemperare convenerat, cum tibi voluntatem continendi acceptaret deus, quia propterea non faceres, ne periret maritus! Sed hoc, ut dixi, omitto, quoniam postea tibi nolenti sibi ad reddenda coniugalia debita consentire ad eadem continentiae pacta ipse consensit et tecum continentissime diu vixit suoque consensu a peccato illo, quo ei debitum carnis negabas, ipse te absolvit. Non ergo iam in tua causa ista vertitur quaestio, utrum redire debeas ad concubitum viri. Quod enim deo pari consensu ambo voveratis, perseveranter usque in finem reddere ambo debuistis, a quo proposito si lapsus est ille, tu saltem constantissime persevera. Quod te non exhortarer nisi quia tibi ad hoc ipse consenserat. Nam si numquam tenuisses eius adsensum, numerus te nullus defendisset annorum, sed post quantum libet tempus me consuluisses, nihil tibi aliud responderem nisi quod ait apostolus: Uxor non habet potestatem corporis sui sed vir. De qua potestate sic tibi iam permiserat continentiam, ut eam tecum et ipse susciperet.
4. But this is the point which I am grieved you did not observe more carefully: you were bound to give way to him in your private conduct with all the greater humility and submission, since he had so devotedly followed your example and conceded you so much. For he had not ceased to be your husband because you had both agreed to abstain from carnal intercourse; instead of that, the tie that bound you to each other as husband and wife remained all the more holy because of the greater holiness of the resolutions you were with one accord carrying out. You had no right, therefore, to do anything with your garments, anything with your gold or silver or money or with any of your earthly property, without his approval, for fear of scandalizing a man who had joined you in vowing more important things to God and had continently refrained from what he had lawful authority to demand from your body.
4. Sed illud est quod minus te observasse contristor, quia tanto humilius et oboedientius ei obsequi in domestica conversatione debuisti, quanto ille religiosus tibi rem tam magnam etiam imitando concesserat. Non enim quia pariter temperabatis a commixtione carnali, ideo tuus maritus esse destiterat; immo vero tanto sanctius inter vos coniuges manebatis, quanto sanctiora concorditer placita servabatis. Nihil ergo de tua veste, nihil de auro vel argento vel quacumque pecunia, rebus ullis terrenis tuis, sine arbitrio eius facere debuisti, ne scandalizares hominem qui deo tecum maiora voverat et ab eo quod de tua carne licita potestate posset exigere, se continenter abstinuerat.
5. Finally, it came about that when scorned he burst the bond of continence with which he had girt himself when loved, and from anger with you, did not hesitate to harm himself. For, as the bearer of your letter informed me, when he learned that you had given away everything, or nearly everything, that you possessed to two passing monks, a of some kind or other, as if it were alms you were giving to the poor, then he cursed them and you together, and thinking that they were the kind of men who “creep into other people's houses,” and not servants of God, and that they had “led you captive” b and plundered you, he was provoked to throw off the holy obligation he had undertaken along with you. For he was weak, and therefore, since you seemed the stronger in your common resolution, he required to be supported by your love and not disquieted by your obstinacy; even if he happened to be slower in being moved to greater generosity in giving those alms, he could have learned even that from you, had he not been exasperated by your unlooked-for extravagance, but won over to it by the compliance he expected from you; so even this that you did of yourself so indiscreetly, you would in harmonious affection have done together with much more deliberation, much more orderliness and more decency, and no blasphemy would have been directed at servants of God (if that is what those men really were, who accepted such large sums from a woman they did not know, another man's wife, in the absence of her husband and without his knowledge) and praise would have arisen to God from your works. In them your companionship would have been so trustful that you would jointly have embraced not only the strictest chastity, but also glorious poverty.
5. Denique factum est ut vinculum continentiae, quo se dilectus innexuerat, contemptus abrumperet et iratus tibi non parceret sibi Sicut enim mihi rettulit perlator epistulae tuae, cum cognovisset quod omnia vel paene omnia quae habebas, nescio quibus duobus transeuntibus monachis tamquam pauperibus eroganda donaveris, tunc ille detestans eos tecum et non dei servos sed domus alienae penetratores et tuos captivatores et depraedatores putans, tam sanctam sarcinam quam tecum subierat, indignatus abiecit. Infirmus enim erat et ideo tibi, quae in communi proposito fortior videbaris, non erat praesumptione turbandus sed dilectione portandus, quia, etiamsi ad ipsas elemosynas largius faciendas forte pigrius movebatur, posset et ista condiscere, si tuis inopinatis non feriretur expensis, sed expectatis invitaretur obsequiis, ut etiam hoc quod temere sola fecisti, multo consultius dilectione concordi multoque ordinatius et honestius ambo faceretis, nec blasphemarentur servi dei, si tamen hoc fuerunt qui marito absente atque nesciente ab ignota muliere et aliena uxore tanta sumpserunt, et laudaretur deus in operibus vestris, quorum esset tam fida societas, ut a vobis communiter teneretur non solum summa castitas verum etiam gloriosa paupertas.
6. Now, however, by your ill-advised haste see what you have done. For although I were to think the best about those monks by whom he complains you were not edified but robbed, and were not readily to take the part of a man whose eye was confused by anger a against those who were perhaps God's servants, is the good you have done in refreshing the bodies of the poor by your over-generous alms as great as the evil you have done in subverting your husband's mind from his virtuous resolution? Or ought anyone's temporal welfare to have been more precious to you than his eternal welfare? Would not God have credited you with still richer alms, if, meditating a wider sphere of mercy, you had postponed the distribution of your wealth to the poor in order to avoid putting a stumbling-block in your husband's way and making him die to God? So, if you recall what you gained when you won your husband to the service of Christ with you in holier chastity, you can understand how much weightier is the loss with which you have been smitten through your almsgiving, which overturned his heart, than is the gain which you thought you were laying up in heaven. For if the breaking of bread for the hungry a has a great place there, how great must we believe to be there the place of the compassion by which a man is snatched from the devil, “as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour” b!
6. Nunc autem inconsiderata festinatione adtende quid feceris. Ut enim de illis monachis, a quibus te ipse non aedificatam sed spoliatam esse conqueritur, ego bene sentiam nec homini prae ira turbatum oculum habenti contra dei fortasse famulos facile consentiam, numquid tantum bonum est quod pauperum carnem largioribus elemosynis refecisti, quantum malum est quod viri tui mentem a tam bono proposito subruisti? An cuiusquam tibi temporalis salus carior esse debuerat quam huius aeterna? Nonne si ampliorem misericordiam cogitans ideo pauperibus res tuas erogare differres, ne scandalizatus maritus tuus deo periret, uberiores tibi deus elemosynas inputaret? Proinde, si recolis quid adquisiveras, quando lucrata fueras virum tuum ut tecum Christo sanctiore castitate serviret, intellege, per illas elemosynas tuas quibus cor eius eversum est, quanto graviore damno percussa fueris, quam sunt illa lucra quae caelestia cogitabas. Si enim habet ibi magnum locum panis fractus esurienti, quantum locum ibi credenda est habere misericordia qua homo eripitur diabolo, tamquam leoni rugienti et quem devoret inquirenti!
7. Now, by this I do not mean that if our good works put a stumbling-block in anyone's way, we should imagine that we must cease from them; but the case of strangers differs from that of those bound to us by any tie: that of the believer differs from that of the unbeliever, that of parents towards their children from that of children towards their parents, and finally the case (which in the present circumstances must be particularly considered) of a husband and a wife, where the married woman has no right to say, “I shall do what I like with what is my own.” She is not her own, but belongs to her head, that is, her husband, c “for after this manner,” as the apostle Peter reminds us, d “the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands, even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; whose daughters,” he says, though he was speaking to Christian not to Jewish women, “ye have become.”
7. Neque hoc ita dicimus, ut, si quisquam scandalizatus fuerit de bonis operibus nostris, ab eis desistendum putemus; sed alia causa est alienarum alia necessariarum in societate aliqua personarum, alia fidelis alia infidelis, alia parentum erga filios alia filiorum erga parentes, alia postremo ea quae in his rebus vel maxime intuenda est, viri et uxoris, ubi mulierem coniugatam non licet dicere: “Facio quod volo de meo,” cum et ipsa non sit sua sed capitis sui, hoc est viri sui. Nam sic quaedam, ut commemorat apostolus Petrus, mulieres sanctae, quae in deum sperabunt, ornabant se subiectae suis viris, sicut Sarra obsequebatur Abrahae dominum eum vocans, cuius, inquit, factae estis filiae, cum ad Christianas, non ad Iudaeas feminas loqueretur.
8. And was it surprising that a father refused to have the son of both of you stripped by his mother of the means of supporting this life, when he did not know what career he would pursue when he came to be a little older, whether he would undertake the vows of a monk or service in the Church or the tie of marriage relations? For although the children of holy parents should be prompted and trained for better things, still “every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that” a; unless indeed a father is to be blamed who exercises foresight and caution about such things, though the apostle says, “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel.”b But when he speaks of almsgiving, he says, “I mean not that other men be eased, and ye burdened.”c Together, you should deliberate on all matters, together you should apportion what treasure you should lay up in heaven and what you should leave as a sufficiency in this life for yourselves and your household and your son, so that " other men " should not “be eased and ye burdened.” And in the ordering and doing of this, if any better plan happened to occur to you, you should have suggested it to your husband with deference and with obedience submitted to his authority as that of your head. In this way all sensible people to whom the report could come of this good thing in you would rejoice at the fruitfulness and peace of your household, and your adversary would be put to shame, having nothing to say about you that was amiss.
8. Quid autem mirum, si pater communem filium nolebat huius vitae sustentaculis a matre nudari, ignorans quid sectaturus esset, cum in aetate grandiuscula esse coepisset, utrum monachi professionem an ecclesiasticum ministerium an coniugalis necessitudinis vinculum? Quamvis enim ad meliora excitandi et erudiendi sint filii sanctorum, unusquisque tamen proprium donum habet a deo alius sic, alius autem sic, nisi forte talia prospiciens et praecavens reprehendendus est pater, eum beatus apostolus dicat: Quisquis autem suis et maxime domesticis non providet, fidem denegat et est infideli deterior. Cum vero de faciendis ipsis elemosynis loqueretur, ait: Non ut aliis refectio, vobis autem angustia. Pariter ergo consilium de omnibus haberetis, pariter moderaremini quid thesaurizandum esset in caelo, quid ad vitae huius sufficientiam vobis et vestris vestroque filio relinquendum, ne aliis esset refectio, vobis autem angustia. Et in his disponendis atque faciendis si quid tibi forte melius videretur, suggereres viro reverenter eiusdemque auctoritatem tamquam tui capitis sequereris oboedienter, ut omnes qui sanum sapiunt, ad quos posset hoc bonum vestrum fama perferre, de domus vestrae fructu ac pace gauderent, et adversarius revereretur, nihil habens de vobis dicere pravi.
9. Further, if in the matter of alms-giving and bestowing your property upon the poor—a good work and important, about which the Lord has given such unmistakable commandments—it was your duty to take common counsel with your husband, a Christian and observing with you the holy vow of continence, and not to scorn his wishes, how much more necessary w-as it for you, not to change or to adopt against his will anything in the way of attire or dress—a thing about which there are no divine orders for us to read. It is, indeed, written that women should have “modest apparel,” and " the wearing of gold " and " the broidering of the hair"a and other suchlike things, usually employed either for empty show or to give allurement to the body, are deservedly condemned. But there is a kind of matronly dress, befitting a person's station, distinct from the garments of a widow, which may become Christian wives without affronting Christian decorum. If your husband did not wish you to put that aside, so that you should not vaunt yourself as a widow while he was still alive, b I am of opinion that on this point he should not have been driven to the scandal of quarrelling with you, for the harm done by your disobedience was greater than the good you did by any of your self-repression. For what is more preposterous than a wife's domineering over her husband about a humble garment, when it would be more becoming in you to yield him compliance in shining deeds than to contend with him about gloomy clothes? Even if a nun's dress pleased you, you would have been happier in assuming even it when you had shown due regard for your husband and received his permission, than in presuming to don that other, without asking his advice or paying him any respect. And if he altogether refused to allow it, wherein would your resolution have been the loser? Far be it from us to imagine you would dis- please God by wearing, while your husband was still alive, not the dress of Anna, but of Susanna. a Nor even if he had wished you to put on the dress of a matron and not of a widow, would he who had already begun with you to observe the great virtue of continence, have been driving you also to adopt adornment that was unbecoming; even had he compelled you to it by some galling condition, you could have had a humble heart beneath your haughty finery.
9. Porro si de faciendis elemosynis et in pauperes inpendendis rebus tuis, de quo bono opere et magno tam evidentia praecepta sunt domini, cum viro tuo fideli et tecum sancta continentiae pacta servante consilium communicare deberes eiusdemque non spernere voluntatem, quanto magis de habitu atque vestitu nihil tibi praeter eius arbitrium mutandum vel usurpandum fuit, unde nihil divinitus legimus imperatum! Scriptum est quidem mulieres esse debere in habitu ordinato, aurique circumpositio et intortio crinium et cetera huius modi, quae vel ad inanem pompam vel ad inlecebram formae adhiberi solent, merito reprehensa sunt. Sed est quidam pro modulo personae habitus matronalis a viduali veste distinctus, qui potest fidelibus coniugatis salva religionis observantia convenire. Hunc te maritus si deponere noluit, ne te velut viduam illo vivente iactares, puto quia non fuerat in hac re usque ad dissensionis scandalum perducendus magis inoboedientiae malo quam ullius abstinentiae bono. Quid est enim absurdius quam mulierem de humili veste viro superbire, cui te potius expediret obtemperare candidus moribus quam nigellis vestibus repugnare, quia etsi te indumentum monachae delectabat, etiam hoc gratius posset marito observato exoratoque sumi quam illo inconsulto contemptoque praesumi? Quod si omnino non sineret, quid tuo proposito deperiret? Absit ut hinc displiceres deo, quod coniuge tuo nondum defuncto non induereris sicut Anna, sed sicut Susanna.
10. Surely, in the time of the patriarchs, Queen Esther feared God, worshipped God and obeyed God, and yet in submission served the foreign king, her husband, who did not worship the same God as she did. At a time of the utmost danger, not to herself alone but to her race as well, who were then God's chosen people, she prostrated herself before God in prayer, and said in her prayer that she regarded her royal adornment " as a menstruous rag"b; and so her prayer was immediately heard and answered by Him “that pondereth the heart,”c Who knew that she was speaking the truth. And yet her husband was a man with many wives and worshipped strange, false gods. But you, if your husband had persevered in the resolution he had undertaken with you and had not fallen into sin on provocation from you, you had a husband who was not only a believer and a worshipper with you of the true God, but was also practising continence, and who undoubtedly, recollecting your common resolution, even if he did compel you to wear matronly dress, would nevertheless not have compelled you to wear proud ornaments.
10. Neque enim et ille qui tecum iam coeperat custodire tam magnum continentiae bonum, etiamsi coniugale, non viduale, voluisset ut acciperes indumentum, ad indecentem quoque te compulisset ornatum, quo etsi aliqua dura condicione cogereris, posses habere in superbo cultu cor humile. Nempe apud patres Esther illa regina deum timens, deum colens, "deo subdita, marito regi alienigenae non eundem secum colenti deum tamen subiecta serviebat. Quae cum extremo periculo non suo tantum sed etiam gentis suae, qui tunc erat populus dei, domino prosterneretur orando, in ipsa oratione sua dixit ita sibi esse ornatum regium sicut pannum menstrualem; et ita orantem confestim exaudivit, qui cordis inspector eam verum dicere scivit. Et utique maritum habebat multarum mulierum virum et deorum alienorum falsorumque cultorem. Tu autem, si et ille in proposito quod tecum susceperat, perduraret nec a te offensus in flagitium corruisset, maritum habebas non solum fidelem et verum deum tecum colentem sed etiam continentem, qui procul dubio propositi vestri non inmemor, etsi te ad coniugalia cogeret indumenta, ad superba tamen ornamenta non cogeret.
11. I have written this to you, since you thought fit to ask my advice, not in order to undermine your righteous design by any words from me, but because I am grieved at what your husband has done as a result of your irregular and imprudent conduct. It is your duty most earnestly to think how he may be restored, if your wish to belong to Christ is sincere. Put on therefore humility of mind, and in order that God may keep you while you persevere, do not you scorn your husband while he perishes. Pour forth for him devoted and constant prayers; offer the sacrifice of tears as though they were the blood of a stricken heart, and write him an apology, begging his forgiveness for that you sinned against him in doing with your property what you thought should be done, without asking his advice and consent; not that you should repent of having given to the poor, but of having refused to let your husband share and direct your good deeds. Promise for the future, with the help of the Lord, that, if he repents of his evil conduct and returns to the continence he had abandoned, you will be subject to him, as it is fitting you should be, in all things, “if peradventure God will give him repentance and that he may recover himself out of the snare of the devil, by whom he is taken captive at his will.” a And as for your son, who does not know that, since you got him in lawful and honourable wedlock, his father has greater authority over him than you have? So he cannot be denied him, when he learns his whereabouts and claims him by law. Hence, in order that he may be nurtured and trained, as you would have him, in the wisdom of God, it is essential for him too that you both should be in harmony.
11. Haec tibi scripsi, quoniam me consulendum putasti, non ut tuum rectum institutum sermone meo frangerem, sed quod te inordinate et incaute agente viri tui factum dolerem. De cuius reparatione debes vehementissime cogitare, si vere ad Christum vis pertinere. Indue itaque humilitatem mentis, et ut te deus conservet perseverantem, noli maritum contemnere pereuntem. Funde pro illo pias et assiduas orationes, sacrifica lacrimas tamquam vulnerati sanguinem cordis et scribe ad eum satisfactionem, petens veniam, quia in eum" peccasti, quod praeter eius consilium et voluntatem de rebus tuis fecisti quod faciendum putasti, non ut te paeniteat tribuisse pauperibus sed eum boni tui operis participem et moderatorem habere noluisse. Promitte de cetero in adiutorio domini, si et illum suae turpitudinis paenituerit et continentiam quam deseruit, repetiverit, te illi. sicut decet, in omnibus servituram, ne forte, ut ait apostolus, det illi deus paenitentiam et resipiscat de diaboli laqueis, a quo captivus tenetur secundum ipsius voluntatem. Filium autem vestrum, quoniam de legitimis eum et honestis nuptiis suscepisti, magis in patris quam in tua esse potestate quis nesciat? Et ideo ei negari non potest, ubicumque illum esse cognoverit et iure poposcerit; ac per hoc, ut secundum tuam voluntatem in dei possit nutriri et erudiri sapientia, necessaria illi est etiam vestra concordia.