---
title: "Satires · Sermones"
author: "Horace"
translator: "Christopher Smart"
languages: [la, en]
shelf: "Classical Latin"
section: 4 of 5
url: https://scriptura.si/works/horace-satires/4/
cite: "Horace, tr. Christopher Smart, Satires · Sermones, section 4. Scriptura (scriptura.si), https://scriptura.si/works/horace-satires/4/"
---

# Satires · Sermones

*Horace, tr. Christopher Smart*

Conversations in verse on the follies of Rome, the town mouse and the country mouse among them.

> Latin: ed. Christopher Smart, from the Perseus Digital Library (canonical-latinLit, phi0893.phi004, CC BY-SA 4.0).

> English: Christopher Smart, from the Perseus Digital Library (phi0893.phi004.perseus-eng2). Notes are not included.

> Rows follow the references the two texts share (line numbers), cut where both reach the end of a sentence.

## 4. Book II · lines 374–326

Source: https://scriptura.si/works/horace-satires/4/ · cite a paragraph as https://scriptura.si/works/horace-satires/4/#p-N

[¶0] Opimius, poor amid silver and gold hoarded up within, who used to drink out of Campanian ware Veientine wine on holidays, and mere dregs on common days, was some time ago taken with a prodigious lethargy; insomuch that his heir was already scouring about his coffers and keys, in joy and triumph. His physician, a man of much dispatch and fidelity, raises him in this manner: he orders a table to be brought, and the bags of money to be poured out, and several persons to approach in order to count it: by this method he sets the man upon his legs again. And at the same time he addresses him to this effect. Unless you guard your money your ravenous heir will even now carry off these [treasures] of yours. What, while I am alive? That you may live, therefore, awake; do this. What would you have me do? Why your blood will fail you that are so much reduced, unless food and some great restorative be administered to your decaying stomach. Do you hesitate? come on; take this ptisan made of rice. How much did it cost? A trifle. How much then? Eight asses. Alas! what does it matter, whether I die of a disease, or by theft and rapine?

> Latin: ‘men’ vivo?’ ‘ut vivas igitur, vigila. hoc age.’ ‘quid vis?’
‘deficient inopem venae te, ni cibus atque
ingens accedit stomacho fultura ruenti.
tu cessas? agedum sume hoc tisanarium oryzae.’
‘quanti emptae?’ ‘parvo.’ ‘quanti ergo?’ ‘octussibus.’ ‘eheu,
quid refert, morbo an furtis pereamque rapinis?’
quisnam igitur sanus? qui non stultus. quid avarus?
stultus et insanus. quid, siquis non sit avarus,
continuo sanus? minime. cur, Stoice? dicam.
‘non est cardiacus’ Craterum dixisse putato
‘hic aeger’. recte est igitur surgetque? negabit.
[quod latus aut renes morbo temptentur acuto]
non est periurus neque sordidus: inmolet aequis
hic porcum Laribus; verum ambitiosus et audax:
naviget Anticyram. quid enim differt, barathrone
dones quidquid habes an numquam utare paratis?

[¶1] Who then is sound? He, who is not a fool. What is the covetous man? Both a fool and a madman. What — if a man be not covetous, is he immediately [to be deemed] sound? By no means. Why so, Stoic? I will tell you. Such a patient (suppose Craterus [the physician] said this) is not sick at the heart. Is he therefore well, and shall he get up? No, he will forbid that; because his side or his reins are harassed with an acute disease. [In like manner], such a man is not perjured, nor sordid; let him then sacrifice a hog to his propitious household gods. But he is ambitious and assuming. Let him make a voyage [then] to Anticyra. For what is the difference, whether you fling whatever you have into a gulf, or make no use of your acquisitions?

> Latin: Servius Oppidius Canusi duo praedia, dives
antiquo censu, gnatis divisse duobus
fertur et hoc moriens pueris dixisse vocatis
ad lectum: ‘postquam te talos, Aule, nucesque
ferre sinu laxo, donare et ludere vidi,
te, Tiberi, numerare, cavis abscondere tristem,
extimui, ne vos ageret vesania discors,
tu Nomentanum, tu ne sequerere Cicutam.
quare per Divos oratus uterque Penatis
tu cave ne minuas, tu ne maius facias id
quod satis esse putat pater et natura coercet.

[¶2] Servius Oppidius, rich in the possession of an ancient estate, is reported when dying to have divided two farms at Canusium between his two sons, and to have addressed the boys, called to his bed-side, [in the following manner]: When I saw you, Aulus, carry your playthings and nuts carelessly in your bosom, [and] to give them and game them away; you, Tiberius, count them, and anxious hide them in holes; I was afraid lest a madness of a different nature should possess you: lest you [Aulus], should follow the example of Nomentanus, you, [Tiberius], that of Cicuta. Wherefore each of you, entreated by our household gods, do you (Aulus) take care lest you lessen; you (Tiberius) lest you make that greater, which your father thinks and the purposes of nature determine to be sufficient. Further, lest glory should entice you, I will bind each of you by an oath: whichever of you shall be an aedile or a praetor, let him be excommunicated and accursed. Would you destroy your effects in [largesses of] peas, beans, and lupines, that you may stalk in the circus at large, or stand in a statue of brass, O madman, stripped of your paternal estate, stripped of your money To the end, forsooth, that you may gain those applauses, which Agrippa gains, like a cunning fox imitating a generous lion?

> Latin: praeterea ne vos titillet gloria, iure
iurando obstringam ambo: uter aedilis fueritve
vestrum praetor, is intestabilis et sacer esto.’
in cicere atque faba bona tu perdasque lupinis,
latus ut in circo spatiere et aeneus ut stes,
nudus agris, nudus nummis, insane, paternis;
scilicet ut plausus quos fert Agrippa feras tu,
astuta ingenuum volpes imitata leonem?
nequis humasse velit Aiacem, Atrida, vetas cur?
‘rex sum.’ nil ultra quaero plebeius. ‘et aequam
rem imperito, ac sicui videor non iustus, inulto
dicere quod sentit permitto.’ maxime regum,
Di tibi dent capta classem redducere Troia.
ergo consulere et mox respondere licebit?
‘consule.’ cur Aiax, heros ab Achille secundus,
putescit, totiens servatis clarus achivis,
gaudeat ut populus Priami Priamusque inhumato,
per quem tot iuvenes patrio caruere sepulcro?

[¶3] O Agamemnon, why do you prohibit any one from burying Ajax? I am a king. I, a plebeian, make no further inquiry. And I command a just thing: but, if I seem unjust to any one, I permit you to speak your sentiments with impunity. Greatest of kings, may the gods grant that, after the taking of Troy, you may conduct your fleet safe home: may I then have the liberty to ask questions, and reply in my turn?

> Latin: ‘mille ovium insanus morti dedit, inclitum Ulixen
et Menelaum una mecum se occidere clamans.’
tu cum pro vitula statuis dulcem Aulide natam
ante aras spargisque mola caput, inprobe, salsa,
rectum animi servas? ‘quorsum?’ insanus quid enim Aiax
fecit? cum stravit ferro pecus, abstinuit vim
uxore et gnato;

[¶4] Ask. Why does Ajax, the second hero after Achilles, rot [above ground], so often renowned for having saved the Grecians; that Priam and Priam's people may exult in his being unburied, by whose means so many youths have been deprived of their country's rites of sepulture. In his madness he killed a thousand sheep, crying out that he was destroying the famous Ulysses and Menelaus, together with me. When you at Aulis substituted your sweet daughter in the place of a heifer before the altar, and, O impious one, sprinkled her head with the salt cake; did you preserve soundness of mind? Why do you ask? What then did the mad Ajax do, when he slew the flock with his sword? He abstained from any violence to his wife and child, though he had imprecated many curses on the sons of Atreus: he neither hurt Teucer, nor even Ulysses himself. But I, out of prudence, appeased the gods with blood, that I might loose the ships detained on an adverse shore. Yes, madman! with your own blood. With my own [indeed], but I was not mad. Whoever shall form images foreign from reality, and confused in the tumult of impiety, will always be reckoned disturbed in mind: and it will not matter, whether he go wrong through folly or through rage. Is Ajax delirious, while he kills the harmless lambs? Are you right in your head, when you willfully commit a crime for empty titles?

> Latin: mala multa precatus atridis
non ille aut Teucrum aut ipsum violavit Ulixen.
‘verum ego, ut haerentis adverso litore navis
eriperem, prudens placavi sanguine Divos.’
nempe tuo, furiose? ‘meo, sed non furiosus.’
qui species alias veris scelerisque tumultu
permixtas capiet, commotus habebitur atque
stultitiane erret nihilum distabit an ira.
Aiax inmeritos cum occidit desipit agnos:
cum prudens scelus ob titulos admittis inanis,
stas animo et purum est vitio tibi cum tumidum est cor?
siquis lectica nitidam gestare amet agnam,
huic vestem ut gnatae, paret ancillas, paret aurum,
Pusam aut Pusillam appellet fortique marito
destinet uxorem: interdicto huic omne adimat ius
praetor et ad sanos abeat tutela propinquos.
quid, siquis gnatam pro muta devovet agna,
integer est animi? ne dixeris. ergo ubi prava
stultitia, hic summa est insania; qui sceleratus,
et furiosus erit;

[¶5] And is your heart pure, while it is swollen with the vice? If any person should take a delight to carry about with him in his sedan a pretty lambkin; and should provide clothes, should provide maids and gold for it, as for a daughter; should call it Rufa and Rufilla, and should destine it a wife for some stout husband; the praetor would take power from him being interdicted, and the management of him would devolve to his relations, that were in their senses. What, if a man devote his daughter instead of a dumb lambkin, is he right of mind? Never say it. Therefore, wherever there is a foolish depravity, there will be the height of madness. He who is wicked, will be frantic too: Bellona, who delights in bloodshed, has thundered about him, whom precarious fame has captivated.

> Latin: quem cepit vitrea fama,
hunc circumtonuit gaudens Bellona cruentis.
nunc age luxuriam et nomentanum arripe mecum.
vincet enim stultos ratio insanire nepotes.
hic simul accepit patrimoni mille talenta,
edicit, piscator uti, pomarius, auceps,
unguentarius ac Tusci turba inpia vici,
cum scurris fartor, cum Velabro omne macellum
mane domum veniant. quid tum? venere frequentes,
verba facit leno: ‘quidquid mihi, quidquid et horum
cuique domi est, id crede tuum et vel nunc pete vel cras.’
accipe quid contra haec iuvenis responderit aequus.

[¶6] Now, come on, arraign with me luxury and Nomentanus; for reason will evince that foolish spendthrifts are mad. This fellow, as soon as he received a thousand talents of patrimony, issues an order that the fishmonger, the fruiterer, the poulterer, the perfumer, and the impious gang of the Tuscan alley, sausage-maker, and buffoons, the whole shambles, together with [all] Velabrum, should come to his house in the morning. What was the consequence? They came in crowds.

> Latin: ‘in nive Lucana dormis ocreatus, ut aprum
cenem ego; tu piscis hiberno ex aequore verris.
segnis ego, indignus qui tantum possideam; aufer,
sume tibi deciens; tibi tantundem; tibi triplex,
unde uxor media currit de nocte vocata.’

[¶7] The pander makes a speech: "Whatever I, or whatever each of these has at home, believe it to be yours: and give your order for it either directly, or to-morrow." Hear what reply the considerate youth made: "You sleep booted in Lucanian snow, that I may feast on a boar: you sweep the wintery seas for fish: I am indolent, and unworthy to possess so much. Away with it: do you take for your share ten hundred thousand sesterces; you as much; you thrice the sum, from whose house your spouse runs, when called for, at midnight."

> Latin: filius Aesopi detractam ex aure Metellae,
scilicet ut deciens solidum absorberet, aceto
diluit insignem bacam: qui sanior ac si
illud idem in rapidum flumen iaceretve cloacam?
Quinti progenies Arri, par nobile fratrum
nequitia et nugis pravorum et amore gemellum
luscinias soliti inpenso prandere coemptas,
quorsum abeant? sani ut creta, an carbone notati?
aedificare casas, plostello adiungere muris,
ludere par inpar, equitare in harundine longa
siquem delectet barbatum, amentia verset.

[¶8] The son of Aesopus, [the actor] (that he might, forsooth, swallow a million of sesterces at a draught), dissolved in vinegar a precious pearl, which he had taken from the ear of Metella: how much wiser was he [in doing this,] than if he had thrown the same into a rapid river, or the common sewer? The progeny of Quintius Arrius, an illustrious pair of brothers, twins in wickedness and trifling and the love of depravity, used to dine upon nightingales bought at a vast expense: to whom do these belong? Are they in their senses? Are they to be marked with chalk, or with charcoal?

> Latin: si puerilius his ratio esse evincet amare
nec quicquam differre, utrumne in pulvere, trimus
quale prius, ludas opus, an meretricis amore
sollicitus plores: quaero, faciasne quod olim
mutatus Polemon? ponas insignia morbi,
fasciolas, cubital, focalia, potus ut ille
dicitur ex collo furtim carpsisse coronas,
postquam est inpransi correptus voce magistri?

[¶9] If an [aged person] with a long beard should take a delight to build baby-houses, to yoke mice to a go-cart, to play at odd and even, to ride upon a long cane, madness must be his motive. If reason shall evince, that to be in love is a more childish thing than these; and that there is no difference whether you play the same games in the dust as when three years old, or whine in anxiety for the love of a harlot: I beg to know, if you will act as the reformed Polemon did of old? Will you lay aside those ensigns of your disease, your rollers, your mantle, your mufflers; as he in his cups is said to have privately torn the chaplet from his neck, after he was corrected by the speech of his fasting master? When you offer apples to an angry boy, he refuses them: here, take them, you little dog; he denies you: if you don't give them, he wants them. In what does an excluded lover differ [from such a boy]; when he argues with himself whether he should go or not to that very place whither he was returning without being sent for, and cleaves to the hated doors? "What shall I not go to her now, when she invites me of her own accord? or shall I rather think of putting an end to my pains? She has excluded me; she recalls me: shall I return? No, not if she would implore me." Observe the servant, not a little wiser: "0 master, that which has neither moderation nor conduct, can not be guided by reason or method. In love these evils are inherent; war [one while], then peace again. If any one should endeavor to ascertain these things, that are various as the weather, and fluctuating by blind chance; he will make no more of it, than if he should set about raving by right reason and rule." Whatwhen, picking the pippins from the Picenian apples, you rejoice if haply you have hit the vaulted roof; are you yourself? What-when you strike out faltering accents from your antiquated palate, how much wiser are you than [a child] that builds little houses To the folly [of love] add bloodshed, and stir the fire with a sword. I ask you, when Marius lately, after he had stabbed Hellas, threw himself down a precipice, was he raving mad? Or will you absolve the man from the imputation of a disturbed mind, and condemn him for the crime, according to your custom, imposing on things names that have an affinity in signification?

> Latin: porrigis irato puero cum poma, recusat;
‘sume, Catelle’: negat; si non des, optet. amator
exclusus qui distat, agit ubi secum, eat an non,
quo rediturus erat non arcessitus, et haeret
invisis foribus? ‘nec nunc, cum me vocet ultro,
accedam? an potius mediter finire dolores?
exclusit; revocat: redeam? non, si obsecret.’ ecce
servus, non paulo sapientior ‘o ere, quae res
nec modum habet neque consilium, ratione modoque
tractari non volt. in amore haec sunt mala, bellum,
pax rursum: haec siquis tempestatis prope ritu
mobilia et caeca fluitantia sorte laboret
reddere certa sibi, nihilo plus explicet ac si
insanire paret certa ratione modoque.’
quid? cum Picenis excerpens semina pomis
gaudes, si cameram percusti forte, penes te es?
quid? cum balba feris annoso verba palato,
aedificante casas qui sanior? adde cruorem
stultitiae atque ignem gladio scrutare. modo, inquam.
Hellade percussa Marius cum praecipitat se,
cerritus fuit? an commotae crimine mentis
absolves hominem et sceleris damnabis eundem
ex more inponens cognata vocabula rebus?
libertinus erat, qui circum compita siccus
lautis mane senex manibus currebat et ‘unum’,
— ‘quid tam magnum?’ addens —, ‘unum me surpite morti!
Dis etenim facile est’ orabat, sanus utrisque
auribus atque oculis; mentem, nisi litigiosus,
exciperet dominus, cum venderet. hoc quoque volgus
Chrysippus ponit fecunda in gente Meneni.
‘Iuppiter, ingentis qui das adimisque dolores,’
mater ait pueri mensis iam quinque cubantis,
‘frigida si puerum quartana reliquerit, illo
mane die, quo tu indicis ieiunia, nudus
in Tiberi stabit.’

[¶10] There was a certain freedman, who, an old man, ran about the streets in a morning fasting, with his hands washed, and prayed thus: "Snatch me alone from death" (adding some solemn vow), "me alone, for it is an easy matter for the gods:" this man was sound in both his ears and eyes; but his master, when he sold him, would except his understanding, unless he were fond of law-suits. This crowd too Chrysippus places in the fruitful family of Menenius.

> Latin: casus medicusve levarit
aegrum ex praecipiti: mater delira necabit
in gelida fixum ripa febrimque reducet,
quone malo mentem concussa? timore Deorum.”
haec mihi Stertinius, sapientum octavos, amico
arma dedit, posthac ne conpellarer inultus.

[¶11] O Jupiter, who givest and takest away great afflictions, (cries the mother of a boy, now lying sick a-bed for five months), if this cold quartan ague should leave the child, in the morning of that day on which you enjoin a fast, he shall stand naked in the Tiber. Should chance or the physician relieve the patient from his imminent danger, the infatuated mother will destroy [the boy] placed on the cold bank, and will bring back the fever. With what disorder of the mind is she stricken? Why, with a superstitious fear of the gods. These arms Stertinius, the eighth of the wise men, gave to me, as to a friend, that for the future I might not be roughly accosted without avenging myself. Whosoever shall call me madman, shall hear as much from me [in return]; and shall learn to look back upon the bag that hangs behind him. 0 Stoic, so may you, after your damage, sell all your merchandise the better: what folly (for, it seems,] there are more kinds than one) do you think I am infatuated with? For to myself I seem sound. What-when mad Agave carries the amputated head of her unhappy son, does she then seem mad to herself? I allow myself a fool (let me yield to the truth) and a madman likewise: only declare this, with what distemper of mind you think me afflicted. Hear, then: in the first place you build; that is, though from top to bottom you are but of the two-foot size you imitate the tall: and you, the same person, laugh at the spirit and strut of Turbo in armor, too great for his [little] body: how are you less ridiculous than him? What-is it fitting that, in every thing Maecenas does, you, who are so very much unlike him and so much his inferior, should vie with him? The young ones of a frog being in her absence crushed by the foot of a calf, when one of them had made his escape, he told his mother what a huge beast had dashed his brethren to pieces. She began to ask, how big? Whether it were so great? puffing herself up. Greater by half. What, so big? when she had swelled herself more and more. If you should burst yourself, says he, you will not be equal to it. This image bears no great dissimilitude to you. Now add poems (that is, add oil to the fire), which if ever any man in his senses made, why so do you. I do not mention your horrid rage. At length, have done — your way of living beyond your fortune — confine yourself to your own affairs, Damasippus — those thousand passions for the fair, the young. Thou greater madman, at last, spare thy inferior.

> Latin: dixerit insanum qui me, totidem audiet atque
respicere ignoto discet pendentia tergo.’
‘Stoice, post damnum sic vendas omnia pluris,
qua me stultitia, quoniam non est genus unum,
insanire putas? ego nam videor mihi sanus.’
‘quid, caput abscissum manibus cum portat Agave
gnati infelicis, sibi tunc furiosa videtur?’
‘stultum me fateor — liceat concedere veris —
atque etiam insanum; tantum hoc edissere, quo me
aegrotare putes animi vitio.’ ‘accipe: primum
aedificas, hoc est longos imitaris, ab imo
ad summum totus moduli bipedalis, et idem
corpore maiorem rides Turbonis in armis
spiritum et incessum: qui ridiculus minus illo?
an, quodcumque facit Maecenas, te quoque verum est,
tanto dissimilem et tanto certare minorem?
absentis ranae pullis vituli pede pressis
unus ubi effugit, matri denarrat, ut ingens
belua cognatos eliserit: illa rogare,
quantane? num tantum, sufflans se, magna fuisset?
‘maior dimidio.’ ‘num tanto?’ cum magis atque
se magis inflaret, ‘non, si te ruperis,’ inquit,
‘par eris.’ haec a te non multum abludit imago.
adde poemata nunc, hoc est, oleum adde camino,
quae siquis sanus fecit, sanus facis et tu.
non dico horrendam rabiem —’ ‘iam desine.’ ’ — cultum
maiorem censu —’ ‘teneas, Damasippe, tuis te.’
’ — mille puellarum, puerorum mille furores —’
‘o maior tandem parcas, insane, minori.’
‘Unde et quo, Catius?’ ‘non est mihi tempus, aventi
ponere signa novis praeceptis, qualia vincent
Pythagoran Anytique reum doctumque Platona.’
‘peccatum fateor, cum te sic tempore laevo
interpellarim; sed des veniam bonus, oro.
quodsi interciderit tibi nunc aliquid, repetes mox,
sive est naturae hoc sive artis, mirus utroque.’

[¶12] WHENCE, and whither, Catius? I have not time [to converse with you], being desirous of impressing on my memory some new precepts; such as excel Pythagoras, and him that was accused by Anytus, and the learned Plato. I acknowledge my offense, since I have interrupted you at so unlucky a juncture: but grant me your pardon, good sir, I beseech you. If any thing should have slipped you now, you will presently recollect it: whether this talent of yours be of nature, or of art, you are amazing in both. Nay, but I was anxious, how I might retain all [these precepts]; as being things of a delicate nature, and in a delicate style. Tell me the name of this man; and at the same time whether he is a Roman, or a foreigner? As I have them by heart, I will recite the precepts: the author shall be concealed.

> Latin: ‘quin id erat curae, quo pacto cuncta tenerem
utpote res tenuis, tenui sermone peractas.’
‘ede hominis nomen, simul et, Romanus an hospes.’
‘ipsa memor praecepta canam, celabitur auctor.
longa quibus facies ovis erit, illa memento,
ut suci melioris et ut magis alba rotundis,
ponere: namque marem cohibent callosa vitellum.
cole suburbano qui siccis crevit in agris
dulcior: inriguo nihil est elutius horto.
si vespertinus subito te oppresserit hospes,
ne gallina malum responset dura palato,
doctus eris vivam musto mersare Falerno:
hoc teneram faciet.

[¶13] Remember to serve up those eggs that are of an oblong make, as being of sweeter flavor and more nutritive than the round ones: for, being toughshelled, they contain a male yelk. Cabbage that grows in dry lands, is sweeter than that about town: nothing is more insipid than a garden much watered. If a visitor should come unexpectedly upon you in the evening, lest the tough old hen prove disagreeable to his palate, you must learn to drown it in Falernian wine mixed [with water]: this will make it tender. The mushrooms that grow in meadows, are of the best kind: all others are dangerously trusted. That man shall spend his summers healthy who shall finish his dinners with mulberries black [with ripeness], which he shall have gathered from the tree before the sun becomes violent. Aufidius used to mix honey with strong Falernian injudiciously; because it is right to commit nothing to the empty veins, but what is emollient: you will, with more propriety, wash your stomach with soft mead. If your belly should be hard bound, the limpet and coarse cockles will remove obstructions, and leaves of the small sorrel; but not without Coan white wine. The increasing moons swell the lubricating shell-fish. But every sea is not productive of the exquisite sorts. The Lucrine muscle is better than the Baian murex: [The best] oysters come from the Circean promontory; cray-fish from Misenum: the soft Tarentum plumes herself on her broad escalops. Let no one presumptuously arrogate to himself the science of banqueting, unless the nice doctrine of tastes has been previously considered by him with exact system. Nor is it enough to sweep away a parcel of fishes from the expensive stalls, [while he remains] ignorant for what sort stewed sauce is more proper, and what being roasted, the sated guest will presently replace himself on his elbow. Let the boar from Umbria, and that which has been fed with the acorns of the scarlet oak, bend the round dishes of him who dislikes all flabby meat: for the Laurentian boar, fattened with flags and reeds, is bad. The vineyard does not always afford the most eatable kids. A man of sense will be fond of the shoulders of a pregnant hare. What is the proper age and nature of fish and fowl, though inquired after, was never discovered before my palate.

> Latin: pratensibus optima fungis
natura est; aliis male creditur. ille salubris
aestates peraget, qui nigris prandia moris
finiet, ante gravem quae legerit arbore solem.
Aufidius forti miscebat mella Falerno:
mendose, quoniam vacuis conmittere venis
nil nisi lene decet: leni praecordia mulso
prolueris melius. si dura morabitur alvus,
mitulus et viles pellent obstantia conchae
et lapathi brevis herba, sed albo non sine Coo.
lubrica nascentes inplent conchylia lunae;
sed non omne mare est generosae fertile testae:
murice Baiano melior Lucrina peloris,
ostrea Circaeis, Miseno oriuntur echini,
pectinibus patulis iactat se molle Tarentum.
nec sibi coenarum quivis temere arroget artem,
non prius exacta tenui ratione saporum.
nec satis est cara piscis averrere mensa
ignarum, quibus est ius aptius et quibus assis
languidus in cubitum iam se conviva reponet.
umber et iligna nutritus glande rotundas
curvat aper lances carnem vitantis inertem;
nam Laurens malus est, ulvis et harundine pinguis.
vinea submittit capreas non semper edulis.
fecundae leporis sapiens sectabitur armos.
piscibus atque avibus quae natura et foret aetas,
ante meum nulli patuit quaesita palatum.
sunt quorum ingenium nova tantum crustula promit.
nequaquam satis in re una consumere curam,
ut siquis solum hoc, mala ne sint vina, laboret,
quali perfundat piscis securus olivo.
Massica si caelo suppones vina sereno,
nocturna siquid crassi est tenuabitur aura
et decedet odor nervis inimicus; at illa
integrum perdunt lino vitiata saporem.

[¶14] There are some, whose genius invents nothing but new kinds of pastry. To waste one's care upon one thing, is by no means sufficient; just as if any person should use all his endeavors for this only, that the wine be not bad; quite careless what oil he pours upon his fish. If you set out Massic wine in fair weather, should there be any thing thick in it, it will be attenuated by the nocturnal air, and the smell unfriendly to the nerves will go off: but, if filtrated through linen, it will lose its entire flavor. He, who skillfully mixes the Surrentine. wine with Falernian lees, collects the sediment with a pigeon's egg: because the yelk sinks to the bottom, rolling down with it all the heterogeneous parts. You may rouse the jaded toper with roasted shrimps and African cockles; for lettuce after wine floats upon the soured stomach: by ham preferably, and by sausages, it craves to be restored to its appetite: nay, it will prefer every thing which is brought smoking hot from the nasty eating-houses. It is worth while to be acquainted with the two kinds of sauce. The simple consists of sweet oil; which it will be proper to mix with rich wine and pickle, but with no other pickle than that by which the Byzantine jar has been tainted. When this, mingled with shredded herbs, has boiled, and sprinkled with Corycian saffron, has stood, you shall over and above add what the pressed berry of the Venafran olive yields. The Tiburtian yield to the Picenian apples in juice, though they excel in look. The Venusian grape is proper for [preserving in] pots. The Albanian you had better harden in the smoke. I am found to be the first that served up this grape with apples in neat little side-plates, to be the first [likewise that served up] wine-lees and herring-brine, and white pepper finely mixed with black salt. It is an enormous fault to bestow three thousand sesterces on the fish-market, and then to cramp the roving fishes in a narrow dish. It causes a great nausea in the stomach, if even the slave touches the cup with greasy hands, while he licks up snacks, or if offensive grime has adhered to the ancient goblet. In trays, in mats, in sawdust, [that are so] cheap, what great expense can there be? But, if they are neglected, it is a heinous shame. What, should you sweep Mosaic pavements with a dirty broom made of palm, and throw Tyrian carpets over the unwashed furniture of your couch! forgetting, that by how much less care and expense these things are attended, so much the more justly may [the want of them] be censured, than of those things which can not be obtained but at the tables of the rich?

> Latin: Surrentina vafer qui miscet faece Falerna
vina, columbino limum bene colligit ovo,
quatenus ima petit volvens aliena vitellus.
tostis marcentem squillis recreabis et Afra
potorem coclea; nam lactuca innatat acri
post vinum stomacho; perna magis et magis hillis
flagitat inmorsus refici, quin omnia malit
quaecumque inmundis fervent allata popinis.
est operae pretium duplicis pernoscere iuris
naturam. simplex e dulci constat olivo,
quod pingui miscere mero muriaque decebit
non alia quam qua Byzantia putuit orca.
hoc ubi confusum sectis inferbuit herbis
Corycioque croco sparsum stetit, insuper addes
pressa Venafranae quod baca remisit olivae.
Picenis cedunt pomis Tiburtia suco:
nam facie praestant, Venucula convenit ollis;
rectius Albanam fumo duraveris uvam.
hanc ego cum malis, ego faecem primus et allec,
primus et invenior piper album cum sale nigro
incretum puris circumposuisse catillis.
inmane est vitium dare milia terna macello
angustoque vagos piscis urgere catino.
magna movet stomacho fastidia, seu puer unctis
tractavit calicem manibus, dum furta ligurrit,
sive gravis veteri creterrae limus adhaesit.
vilibus in scopis, in mappis, in scobe quantus
consistit sumptus? neglectis flagitium ingens.
ten’ lapides varios lutulenta radere palma
et Tyrias dare circum inlota toralia vestis,
oblitum, quanto curam sumptumque minorem
haec habeant, tanto reprehendi iustius illis,
quae nisi divitibus nequeunt contingere mensis?’
‘docte Cati, per amicitiam Divosque rogatus
ducere me auditum, perges quocumque, memento.
nam quamvis memori referas mihi pectore cuncta,
non tamen interpres tantundem iuveris. adde
voltum habitumque hominis, quem tu vidisse beatus
non magni pendis, quia contigit;

[¶15] Learned Catius, entreated by our friendship and the gods, remember to introduce me to an audience [with this great man], whenever you shall go to him. For, though by your memory you relate every thing to me, yet as a relater you can not delight me in so high a degree. Add to this the countenance and deportment of the man; whom you, happy in having seen, do not much regard, because it has been your lot: but I have no small solicitude, that I may approach the distant fountain-heads, and imbibe the precepts of [such] a blessed life.

> Latin: at mihi cura
non mediocris inest, fontis ut adire remotos
atque haurire queam vitae praecepta beatae.’
‘Hoc quoque, Tiresia, praeter narrata petenti
responde, quibus amissas reparare queam res
artibus atque modis. quid rides?’ ‘iamne doloso
non satis est Ithacam revehi patriosque penatis
adspicere?’

[¶16] BESIDE what you have told me, O Tiresias, answer to this petition of mine: by what arts and expedients may I be able to repair my ruined fortunes-why do you laugh? Does it already seem little to you, who are practiced in deceit, to be brought back to Ithaca, and to behold [again] your family household gods? 0 you who never speak falsely to any one, you see how naked and destitute I return home, according to your prophecy: nor is either my cellar, or my cattle there, unembezzled by the suitors [of Penelope]. But birth and virtue, unless [attended] with substance, is viler than seaweed.

> Latin: ‘o nulli quicquam mentite, vides ut
nudus inopsque domum redeam te vate, neque illic
aut apotheca procis intacta est aut pecus: atqui
et genus et virtus, nisi cum re, vilior alga est.’
quando pauperiem missis ambagibus horres,
accipe qua ratione queas ditescere. turdus
sive aliud privum dabitur tibi, devolet illuc,
res ubi magna nitet domino sene; dulcia poma
et quoscumque feret cultus tibi fundus honores
ante Larem gustet venerabilior Lare dives.

[¶17] Since (circumlocutions apart) you are in dread of poverty, hear by what means you may grow wealthy. If a thrush, or any [nice] thing for your own private [eating], shall be given you; it must wing way to that place, where shines a great fortune, the possessor being an old man: delicious apples, and whatever dainties your well-cultivated ground brings forth for you, let the rich man, as more to be reverenced than your household god, taste before him: and, though he be perjured, of no family, stained with his brother's blood, a runaway; if he desire it, do not refuse to go along with him, his companion on the outer side. What, shall I walk cheek by jole with a filthy Damas? I did not behave myself in that manner at Troy, contending always with the best. You must then be poor. I will command my sturdy soul to bear this evil; I have formerly endured even greater. Do thou, O prophet, tell me forthwith how I may amass riches, and heaps of money. In troth I have told you, and tell you again. Use your craft to lie at catch for the last wills of old men: nor, if one or two cunning chaps escape by biting the bait off the hook, either lay aside hope, or quit the art, though disappointed in your aim. If an affair, either of little or great consequence, shall be contested at any time at the bar; whichever of the parties live wealthy without heirs, should he be a rogue, who daringly takes the law of a better man, be thou. his advocate: despise the citizen, who is superior in reputation, and [the justness of] his cause, if at home he has a son or a fruitful wife. [Address him thus:] "Quintus, for instance, or Publius (delicate ears delight in the prefixed name), your virtue has made me your friend. I am acquainted with the precarious quirks of the law; I can plead causes. Any one shall sooner snatch my eyes from me, than he shall despise or defraud you of an empty nut. This is my care, that you lose nothing, that you be not made a jest of." Bid him go home, and make much of himself. Be his solicitor yourself: persevere, and be steadfast: whether the glaring dog-star shall cleave the infant statues; or Furius, destined with his greasy paunch, shall spue white snow over the wintery Alps. Do not you see (shall some one say, jogging the person that stands next to him by the elbow) how indefatigable he is, how serviceable to his friends, how acute? [By this means] more tunnies shall swim in, and your fish-ponds will increase.

> Latin: qui quamvis periurus erit, sine gente, cruentus
sanguine fraterno, fugitivus, ne tamen illi
tu comes exterior, si postulet, ire recuses.’
‘utne tegam spurco Damae latus? haud ita Troiae
me gessi, certans semper melioribus.’ ‘ergo
pauper eris.’ ‘fortem hoc animum tolerare iubebo;
et quondam maiora tuli. tu protinus, unde
divitias aerisque ruam, dic, augur, acervos.’
‘dixi equidem et dico: captes astutus ubique
testamenta senum neu, si vafer unus et alter
insidiatorem praeroso fugerit hamo,
aut spem deponas aut artem inlusus omittas.
magna minorve foro si res certabitur olim,
vivet uter locuples sine gnatis, inprobus, ultro
qui meliorem audax vocet in ius, illius esto
defensor; fama civem causaque priorem
sperne, domi si gnatus erit fecundave coniux.
“Quinte” puta aut “Publi” — gaudent praenomine molles
auriculae — “tibi me virtus tua fecit amicum.
ius anceps novi, causas defendere possum;
eripiet quivis oculos citius mihi quam te
contemptum cassa nuce pauperet; haec mea cura est,
nequid tu perdas neu sis iocus.” ire domum atque
pelliculam curare iube; fi cognitor ipse,
persta atque obdura: seu rubra canicula findet
infantis statuas, seu pingui tentus omaso
Furius hibernas cana nive conspuet Alpes.
“nonne vides” aliquis cubito stantem prope tangens
inquiet, “ut patiens, ut amicis aptus, ut acer?”
plures adnabunt thynni et cetaria crescent.
sicui praeterea validus male filius in re
praeclara sublatus aletur, ne manifestum
caelibis obsequium nudet te, leniter in spem
adrepe officiosus, ut et scribare secundus
heres et, siquis casus puerum egerit Orco,
in vacuum venias: perraro haec alea fallit.

[¶18] Further, if any one in affluent circumstances has reared an ailing son, lest a too open complaisance to a single man should detect you, creep gradually into the hope [of succeeding him], and that you may be set down as second heir; and, if any casualty should dispatch the boy to Hades, you may come into the vacancy. This die seldom fails. Whoever delivers his will to you to read, be mindful to decline it, and push the parchment from you: [do it] however in such a manner, that you may catch with an oblique glance, what the first page intimates to be in the second clause: run over with a quick eye, whether you are sole heir, or co-heir with many. Sometimes a well-seasoned lawyer, risen from a Quinquevir, shall delude the gaping raven; and the fortunehunter Nasica shall be laughed at by Coranus.

> Latin: qui testamentum tradet tibi cumque legendum,
abnuere et tabulas a te removere memento,
sic tamen, ut limis rapias, quid prima secundo
cera velit versu; solus multisne coheres,
veloci percurre oculo. plerumque recoctus
scriba ex quinqueviro corvum deludet hiantem
captatorque dabit risus Nasica Corano.’
‘num furis? an prudens ludis me obscura canendo?’
‘o Laertiade, quidquid dicam, aut erit aut non:
divinare etenim magnus mihi donat Apollo.’
‘quid tamen ista velit sibi fabula, si licet, ede.’

[¶19] What, art thou in a [prophetic] raving; or dust thou play upon me designedly, by uttering obscurities? 0 son of Laertes, whatever I shall say will come to pass, or it will not: for the great Apollo gives me the power to divine. Then, if it is proper, relate what that tale means.

> Latin: ‘tempore quo iuvenis Parthis horrendus, ab alto
demissum genus Aenea, tellure marique
magnus erit, forti nubet procera Corano
filia Nasicae, metuentis reddere soldum.
tum gener hoc faciet: tabulas socero dabit atque
ut legat orabit;

[¶20] At that time when the youth dreaded by the Parthians, an offspring derived from the noble Aeneas, shall be mighty by land and sea; the tall daughter of Nasica, averse to pay the sum total of his debt, shall wed the stout Coranus. Then the son-in-law shall proceed thus: he shall deliver his will to his father-in-law, and entreat him to read it; Nasica will at length receive it, after it has been several times refused, and silently peruse it; and will find no other legacy left to him and his, except leave to lament.

> Latin: multum Nasica negatas
accipiet tandem et tacitus leget invenietque
nil sibi legatum praeter plorare suisque.
illud ad haec iubeo: mulier si forte dolosa
libertusve senem delirum temperet, illis
accedas socius: laudes, lauderis ut absens.
adiuvat hoc quoque, sed vincit longe prius ipsum
expugnare caput. scribet mala carmina vecors:
laudato.

[¶21] To these [directions I have already given], I subjoin the [following]: if haply a cunning woman or a freedman have the management of an old driveler, join with them as an associate: praise them, that you may be praised in your absence. This too is of service; but to storm [the capital] itself excels this method by far. Shall he, a dotard, scribble wretched verses? Applaud them. Shall he be given to pleasure? Take care [you do not suffer him] to ask you: of your own accord complaisantly deliver up your Penelope to him, as preferable [to yourself]. What-do you think so sober and so chaste a woman can be brought over, whom [so many] wooers could not divert from the right course? Because, forsooth, a parcel of young fellows came, who were too parsimonious to give a great price, nor so much desirous of an amorous intercourse, as of the kitchen. So far your Penelope is a good woman: who, had she once tasted of one old [doting gallant], and shared with you the profit, like a hound, will never be frighted away from the reeking skin [of the new-killed game].

> Latin: scortator erit: cave te roget; ultro
Penelopam facilis potiori trade.’ ‘putasne
perduci poterit tam frugi tamque pudica,
quam nequiere proci recto depellere cursu?’
‘venit enim magnum donandi parca iuventus
nec tantum Veneris quantum studiosa culinae.
sic tibi Penelope frugi est; quae si semel uno
de sene gustarit tecum partita lucellum,
ut canis a corio numquam absterrebitur uncto.
me sene quod dicam factum est. anus inproba Thebis
ex testamento sic est elata: cadaver
unctum oleo largo nudis umeris tulit heres,
scilicet elabi si posset mortua; credo,
quod nimium institerat viventi. cautus adito
neu desis operae neve immoderatus abundes.
difficilem et morosum offendet garrulus: ultra
‘non’ ‘etiam’ sileas;