1. DIOGENES: What’s this, Alexander? Are you dead too, just like the rest of us?
1. ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Τί τοῦτο, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε; καὶ σὺ τέθνηκας ὥσπερ καὶ ἡμεῖς ἅπαντες;
ALEXANDER: As you see, Diogenes. There’s nothing strange in a human like me dying.
ΑΛΕΞΑΝΔΡΟΣ: Ὁρᾷς, ὦ Διόγενες· οὐ παράδοξον δέ, εἰ ἄνθρωπος ὢν ἀπέθανον.
DIOGENES: Ammon lied, then, when he said you were his son? You were Philip’s son after all?
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Οὐκοῦν ὁ Ἄμμων ἐψεύδετο λέγων ἑαυτοῦ σε εἶναι, σὺ δὲ Φιλίππου ἄρα ἦσθα;
ALEXANDER: Of course I was Philip’s son. I shouldn’t have died, if Ammon was my father.
ΑΛΕΞΑΝΔΡΟΣ: Φιλίππου δηλαδή· οὐ γὰρ ἂν ἐτεθνήκειν Ἄμμωνος ὤν.
DIOGENES: And it was another lie about Olympias—that a serpent came to her and was seen in her bed, that that was how you came to be born, and that Philip was deceived in thinking that he was your father?
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Καὶ μὴν καὶ περὶ τῆς Ὀλυμιάδος ὅμοια ἐλέγετο, δράκοντα ὁμιλεῖν αὐτῇ καὶ βλέπεσθαι ἐν τῇ εὐνῇ, εἶτα οὕτω σε τεχθῆναι, τὸν δὲ Φίλιππον ἐξηπατῆσθαι οἰόμενον πατέρα σου εἶναι.
ALEXANDER: I heard that too, just as you did, but now I see that there was not a word of truth in what my mother and the prophets of Ammon said.
ΑΛΕΞΑΝΔΡΟΣ: Κἀγὼ ταῦτα ἤκουον ὥσπερ σύ, νῦν δὲ ὁρῶ ὅτι οὐδὲν ὑγιὲς οὔτε ἡ μήτηρ οὔτε οἱ τῶν Ἀμμωνίων προφῆται ἔλεγον.
DIOGENES: But their lies weren’t without practical advantage to you, Alexander. For many cowered down before you, thinking you a god.
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Ἀλλὰ τὸ ψεῦδος αὐτῶν οὐκ ἄχρηστόν σοι, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε, πρὸς τὰ πράγματα ἐγένετο· πολλοὶ γὰρ ὑπέπτησσον θεὸν εἶναί σε νομίζοντες.
2. DIOGENES: But tell me, to whom have you left your great empire?
2. ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: ἀτὰρ εἰπέ μοι, τίνι τὴν τοσαύτην ἀρχὴν καταλέλοιπας;
ALEXANDER: I don’t know, Diogenes; I didn’t give any instructions about it in time; I merely gave my ring to Perdiccas when I died. But why do you laugh, Diogenes?
ΑΛΕΞΑΝΔΡΟΣ: Οὐκ οἶδα, ὦ Διόγενες· οὐ γὰρ ἔφθασα ἐπισκῆψαί τι περὶ αὐτῆς ἢ τοῦτο μόνον, ὅτι ἀποθνήσκων Περδίκκᾳ τὸν δακτύλιον ἐπέδωκα. πλὴν ἀλλὰ τί γελᾷς, ὦ Διόγενες;
DIOGENES: I’m only recalling how Greece treated you, flattering you from the moment you succeeded to your kingdom, and choosing you as her champion and leader against the barbarians, and how some even added you to the twelve gods, built you temples, and sacrificed to you, as the son of the serpent.
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Τί γὰρ ἄλλο ἢ ἀνεμνήσθην οἷα ἐποίει ἡ Ἑλλάς, ἄρτι σε παρειληφότα τὴν ἀρχὴν κολακεύοντες καὶ προστάτην αἱρούμενοι καὶ στρατηγὸν ἐπὶ τοὺς βαρβάρους, ἔνιοι δὲ καὶ τοῖς δώδεκα θεοῖς προστιθέντες καὶ οἰκοδομοῦντές σοι νεὼς καὶ θύοντες ὡς δράκοντος υἱῷ.
3. DIOGENES: But tell me, where did the Macedonians bury you?
3. ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: ἀλλ’ εἰπέ μοι, ποῦ σε οἱ Μακεδόνες ἔθαψαν;
ALEXANDER: I’ve been lying in Babylon for a whole thirty days now, but my guardsman Ptolemy promises that, whenever he gets a respite from the present disturbances, he’ll take me away to Egypt and bury me there, so that I may become one of the gods of the Egyptians.
ΑΛΕΞΑΝΔΡΟΣ: Ἔτι ἐν Βαβυλῶνι κεῖμαι τριακοστὴν ἡμέραν ταύτην, ὑπισχνεῖται δὲ Πτολεμαῖος ὁ ὑπασπιστής, ἤν ποτε ἀγάγῃ σχολὴν ἀπὸ τῶν θορύβων τῶν ἐν ποσίν, εἰς Αἴγυπτον ἀπαγαγὼν θάψειν ἐκεῖ, ὡς γενοίμην εἷς τῶν Αἰγυπτίων θεῶν.
DIOGENES: Well, can I help laughing, Alexander, when I see that even in Hades you still act like a fool and hope you’ll be an Anubis or an Osiris? But don’t be too hopeful about that, personage most divine. It’s against our law that anyone who has once sailed across our lake and passed within our entrance should go up again. For Aeacus does not neglect his duties, nor is Cerberus to be taken lightly.
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Μὴ γελάσω οὖν, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε, ὁρῶν καὶ ἐν ᾅδου ἔτι σε μωραίνοντα καὶ ἐλπίζοντα Ἄνουβιν ἢ Ὄσιριν γενήσεσθαι; πλὴν ἀλλὰ ταῦτα μέν, ὦ θειότατε, μὴ ἐλπίσῃς· οὐ γὰρ θέμις ἀνελθεῖν τινα τῶν ἅπαξ διαπλευσάντων τὴν λίμνην καὶ εἰς τὸ εἴσω τοῦ στομίου παρελθόντων· οὐ γὰρ ἀμελὴς ὁ Αἰακὸς οὐδὲ ὁ Κέρβερος εὐκαταφρόνητος.
4. DIOGENES: But what I should like you to tell me is how you bear the thought of the great happiness you left on the earth above, when you came here—your bodyguards, crack regiments and satraps, all that gold, the nations bowing down before you, and Babylon and Bactra, and those enormous beasts, and the honour and the glory, and your distinction, when you rode forth with a white ribbon on your head, and wearing a purple robe fastened with brooches. Don’t you feel sad that these things are passing beyond your memory? Why do you cry, you fool? Didn’t the wise Aristotle even teach you to realise the insecurity of the gifts of fortune?
4. ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: ἐκεῖνο δέ γε ἡδέως ἂν μάθοιμι παρὰ σοῦ, πῶς φέρεις, ὁπόταν ἐννοήσῃς ὅσην εὐδαιμονίαν ὑπὲρ γῆς ἀπολιπὼν ἀφῖξαι, σωματοφύλακας καὶ ὑπασπιστὰς καὶ σατράπας καὶ χρυσὸν τοσοῦτον καὶ ἔθνη προσκυνοῦντα καὶ Βαβυλῶνα καὶ Βάκτρα καὶ τὰ μεγάλα θηρία καὶ τιμὴν καὶ δόξαν καὶ τὸ ἐπίσημον εἶναι ἐξελαύνοντα διαδεδεμένον ταινίᾳ λευκῇ τὴν κεφαλὴν πορφυρίδα ἐμπεπορπημένον. οὐ λυπεῖ ταῦτά σε ὑπὲρ τὴν μνήμην ἰόντα; τί δακρύεις, ὦ μάταιε; οὐδὲ ταῦτά σε ὁ σοφὸς Ἀριστοτέλης ἐπαίδευσεν μὴ οἴεσθαι βέβαια εἶναι τὰ παρὰ τῆς τύχης;
5. ALEXANDER: Wise Aristotle! Why, he’s the arch-knave of all flatterers. Let me be the sole authority on him, with all his requests for gifts and his instructions, and the way he took advantage of my zeal for education by flattering and praising me, sometimes for my beauty (as though even that were part of the “Good”), or again for my achievements and my wealth. For that was yet another thing he counted as good, so that he need have no shame in accepting some for himself too. The fellow’s an impostor, Diogenes, and a master at the game. But I did at least get one thing from his wisdom—grief for those things you’ve just enumerated, for I think them the greatest of goods.
5. ΑΛΕΞΑΝΔΡΟΣ: Ὁ σοφὸς ἐκεῖνος ἁπάντων κολάκων ἐπιτριπτότατος ὤν; ἐμὲ μόνον ἔασον τὰ Ἀριστοτέλους εἰδέναι, ὅσα μὲν ᾔτησεν παρ' ἐμοῦ, οἷα δὲ ἐπέστελλεν, ὡς δὲ κατεχρῆτό μου τῇ περὶ παιδείαν φιλοτιμίᾳ θωπεύων καὶ ἐπαινῶν ἄρτι μὲν πρὸς τὸ κάλλος, ὠς καὶ τοῦτο μέρος ὂν τἀγαθοῦ, ἄρτι δὲ ἐς τὰς πράξεις καὶ τὸν πλοῦτον. καὶ γὰρ αὖ καὶ τοῦτο ἀγαθὸν ἡγεῖτο εἶναι, ὡς μὴ αἰσχύνοιτο καὶ αὐτὸς λαμβάνων· γόης, ὦ Διόγενες, ἅνθρωπος καὶ τεχνίτης. πλὴν ἀλλὰ τοῦτό γε ἀπολέλαυκα τῆς σοφίας αὐτοῦ, τὸ λυπεῖσθαι ὡς ἐπὶ μεγίστοις ἀγαθοῖς ἐκείνοις, ἃ κατηριθμήσω μικρῷ γε ἔμπροσθεν.
6. DIOGENES: Well, here’s what to do. I’ll prescribe a cure for your grief. As there’s no hellebore growing here, you’d better take a stiff drink of the water of Lethe, and repeat the dose frequently, and then you’ll stop sorrowing for Aristotle’s “goods”. Do so, for I see Clitus over there and Callisthenes and many others bearing down on you, to tear you to pieces and get even with you for the things you did to them. So you’d better take this other path here, and take frequent doses as I’ve just said.
6. ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Ἀλλ' οἶσθα ὃ δράσεις; ἄκος γάρ σοι τῆς λύπης ὑποθήσομαι. ἐπεὶ ἐνταῦθά γε ἐλλέβορος οὐ φύεται, σὺ δὲ κἂν τὸ Λήθης ὕδωρ χανδὸν ἐπισπασάμενος πίε καὶ αὖθις πίε καὶ πολλάκις· οὕτω γὰρ ἂν παύσαιο ἐπὶ τοῖς Ἀριστοτέλους ἀγαθοῖς ἀνιώμενος. καὶ γὰρ Κλεῖτον ἐκεῖνον ὁρῶ καὶ Καλλισθένην καὶ ἄλλους πολλοὺς ἐπὶ σὲ ὁρμῶντας, ὡς διασπάσαιντο καὶ ἀμύναιντο σε ὧν ἔδρασας αὐτούς. ὥστε τὴν ἑτέραν σὺ ταύτην βάδιζε καὶ πῖνε πολλάκις, ὡς ἔφην.