1. ZENOPHANTUS: Well, Callidemides, how did you die? I used to be a parasite of Dinias, and choked myself to death by eating too much, as you know; for you were there when I died. CALLIDEMIDES: Yes, I was there, Zenophantus. But my death was a strange one. I think you know Ptoeodorus, the old man? ZENOPHANTUS: The rich man with no children? I knew you were often with him. CALLIDEMIDES: I was always most attentive to him, because he promised I would benefit by his death. But since the matter was taking an unconscionable time, and he was living to be older than Tithonus, I found a short cut to the inheritance. I bought poison, and persuaded his butler, next time he asked for wine—he’s a pretty heavy drinker, you know—to have the poison ready in the cup, and give it to him. I promised him his freedom, if he did it. ZENOPHANTUS: Well, what happened? Your story looks like being a strange one.
1. ΖΗΝΟΦΑΝΤΟΣ: Σὺ δὲ, ὦ Καλλιδημίδη, πῶς ἀπέθανες; ἐγὼ μὲν γὰρ ὅτι παράσιτος ὢν Δεινίου πλέον τοῦ ἱκανοῦ ἐμφαγὼν ἀπεπνίγην, οἶσθα· παρῆς γὰρ ἀποθνήσκοντί μοι. ΚΑΛΛΙΔΗΜΙΔΗΣ: Παρῆν, ὦ Ζηνόφαντε· τὸ δὲ ἐμὸν παράδοξόν τι ἐγένετο. οἶσθα γὰρ καὶ σύ που Πτοιόδωρον τὸν γέροντα; ΖΗΝΟΦΑΝΤΟΣ: Τὸν ἄτεκνον, τὸν πλούσιον, ᾧ σε τὰ πολλα ᾔδειν συνόντα. ΚΑΛΛΙΔΗΜΙΔΗΣ: Ἐκεῖνον αὐτὸν ἀεὶ ἐθεράπευον ὑπισχνούμενον ἐπ' ἐμοὶ τεθνήξεσθαι. ἐπεὶ δὲ τὸ πρᾶγμα εἰς μήκιστον ἐπεγίνετο καὶ ὑπὲρ τὸν Τιθωνὸν ὁ γέρων ἔζη, ἐπίτομόν τινα ὁδὸν ἐπὶ τὸν κλῆρον ἐξηῦρον· πριάμενος γὰρ φάρμακον ἀνέπεισα τὸν οἰνοχόον, ἐπειδὰν τάχιστα ὁ Πτοιόδωρος αἰτήσῃ πιεῖν,—πίνει δὲ ἐπιεικῶς ζωρότερον—ἐμβαλόντα εἰς κύλικα ἕτοιμον ἔχειν αὐτὸ καὶ ἐπιδοῦναι αὐτῷ· εἰ δὲ τοῦτο ποιήσει, ἐλεύθερον ἐπωμοσάμην ἀφήσειν αὐτόν. ΖΗΝΟΦΑΝΤΟΣ: Τί οὖν ἐγένετο; πάνυ γάρ τι παράδοξον ἐρεῖν ἔοικας.
2. CALLIDEMIDES: When we’d come in after our bath, the lad had two cups ready, one with the poison for Ptoeodorus, and the other for me, but somehow he made a mistake, giving me the poison, and Ptoeodorus the harmless cup. A moment later, while he was still drinking, I was lying my full length on the floor, and the wrong man was dead. Why do you find it amusing, Zenophantus? You oughtn’t to laugh at a friend. ZENOPHANTUS: Well, it was a droll thing to happen. But what did the old man do? CALLIDEMIDES: At first he was a little put out by the suddenness of it all, but then he understood what had happened, I suppose, and laughed himself to see what his butler had done. ZENOPHANTUS: But you oughtn’t to have taken that short cut; you’d have been surer of getting him here by the highway, even if he was a little slow in coming.
2. ΚΑΛΛΙΔΗΜΙΔΗΣ: Ἐπεὶ τοίνυν λουσάμενοι ἥκομεν, δύο δὴ ὁ μειρακίσκος κύλικας ἑτοίμους ἔχων τὴν μὲν τῷ Πτοιοδώρῳ τὴν ἔχουσαν τὸ φάρμακον, τὴν δὲ ἑτέραν ἐμοί, σφαλεὶς οὐκ οἶδ’ ὅπως ἐμοὶ μὲν τὸ φάρμακον, Πτοιοδώρῳ δὲ τὸ ἀφάρμακτον ἔδωκεν· εἶτα ὁ μὲν ἔπινεν, ἐγὼ δὲ αὐτίκα μάλα ἐκτάδην ἐκείμην ὑποβολιμαῖος ἀντ' ἐκείνου νεκρός. τί τοῦτο γελᾷς, ὦ Ζηνόφαντε; καὶ μὴν οὐκ ἔδει γε ἑταίρῳ ἀνδρὶ ἐπιγελᾶν. ΖΗΝΟΦΑΝΤΟΣ: Ἀστεῖα γάρ, ὦ Καλλιδημίδη, πέπονθας. ὁ γέρων δὲ τί πρὸς ταῦτα; ΚΑΛΛΙΔΗΜΙΔΗΣ: Πρῶτον μὲν ὑπεταράχθη πρὸς τὸ αἰφνίδιον, εἶτα συνείς, οἶμαι, τὸ γεγενημένον ἐγέλα καὶ αὐτός, οἷά γε ὁ οἰνοχόος εἴργασται. ΖΗΝΟΦΑΝΤΟΣ: Πλὴν ἀλλ’ οὐδὲ σὲ τὴν ἐπίτομον ἐχρῆν τραπέσθαι· ἧκε γὰρ ἄν σοι διὰ τῆς λεωφόρου ἀσφαλέστερον, εἰ καὶ ὀλίγῳ βραδύτερος ἦν.