1. DIOGENES: Seeing that we’ve nothing to do, Antisthenes and Crates, why don’t we make straight for the entrance, to have a walk around, and see what the newcomers are like, and how each of them acts?
1. ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Ἀντίσθενες καὶ Κράτης, σχολὴν ἄγομεν· ὥστε τί οὐκ ἄπιμεν εὐθὺ τῆς καθόδου περιπατήσοντες, ὀψόμενοι τοὺς κατιόντας οἷοί τινές εἰσι καὶ τί ἕκαστος αὐτῶν ποιεῖ;
ANTISTHENES: Let’s do that, Diogenes. It will be a pleasant sight to see some of them weeping, others begging to be let go, and some most reluctant to come down, resisting, though Hermes pushes them along head foremost, lying on their backs, and bracing their bodies against him. Quite unnecessary behaviour!
ΑΝΤΙΣΘΕΝΗΣ: Ἀπίωμεν, ὦ Διόγενες· καὶ γὰρ ἂν ἡδὺ τὸ θέαμα γένοιτο, τοὺς μὲν δακρύοντας αὐτῶν ὁρᾶν, τοὺς δὲ ἱκετεύοντας ἀφεθῆναι. ἐνίους δὲ μόλις κατιόντας καὶ ἐπὶ τράχηλον ὠθοῦντος τοῦ Ἑρμοῦ ὅμως ἀντιβαίνοντας καὶ ὑπτίους ἀντερείδοντας οὐδὲν δέον.
CRATES: Then I’ll tell you what I saw on my way down.
ΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Ἔγωγ' οὖν καὶ διηγήσομαι ὑμῖν ἃ εἶδον ὁπότε κατῄειν κατὰ τὴν ὁδόν.
DIOGENES: Do tell us, Crates. It looks as though what you saw was really amusing.
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Διήγησαι, ὦ Κράτης· ἔοικας γάρ τινα ἑωρακέναι παγγέλοια.
2. CRATES: We had quite a crowd with us on our way down, but the most distinguished were our rich countryman Ismenodorus, Arsaces, governor of Media, and Oroetes the Armenian. Well, Ismenodorus, who’d been killed by bandits on his way past Cithaeron to Eleusis, I believe, was groaning, holding his wound with both hands, and calling upon the young children he had left behind, reproaching himself for his rashness in only bringing two servants when crossing Cithaeron and passing the district round Eleutherae, when it had been desolated by the wars, although he was taking five golden bowls and four cups with him.
2. ΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Καὶ ἄλλοι μὲν πολλοὶ συγκατέβαινον ἡμῖν, ἐν αὐτοῖς δὲ ἐπίσημοι Ἰσμηνόδωρός τε ὁ πλούσιος ὁ ἡμέτερος καὶ Ἀρσάκης ὁ Μηδίας ὕπαρχος καὶ Ὀροίτης ὁ Ἀρμένιος. ὁ μὲν οὖν Ἰσμηνόδωρος— ἐπεφόνευτο γὰρ ὑπὸ τῶν λῃστῶν ὑπὸ τὸν Κιθαιρῶνα Ἐλευσῖνάδε οἶμαι βαδίζων—ἔστενε καὶ τὸ τραῦμα ἐν ταῖν χεροῖν εἶχε καὶ τὰ παιδία, ἃ νεογνὰ καταλελοίπει, ἀνεκαλεῖτο καὶ ἑαυτῷ ἐπεμέμφετο τῆς τόλμης, ὃς Κιθαιρῶνα ὑπερβάλλων καὶ τὰ περὶ τὰς Ἐλευθερὰς χωρία πανέρημα ὄντα ὑπὸ τῶν πολέμων διοδεύων δύο μόνους οἰκέτας ἐπηγάγετο, καὶ ταῦτα φιάλας πέντε χρυσᾶς καὶ κυμβία τέτταρα μεθ' ἑαυτοῦ κομίζων.
3. CRATES: Arsaces, an old man, and, in all truth, not undignified to look at, showed his annoyance in true barbarian fashion at having to walk, and kept calling for his horse; for his horse had been killed with him, both pierced by the same blow from a Thracian targeteer in the fight with the Cappadocians by the Araxes. Arsaces was riding, he told us, a long way ahead of the rest, when the Thracian, standing his ground and crouching beneath his shield, parried his lance, and, planting his pike beneath him, pierced both man and horse with it.
3. ΚΡΑΤΗΣ: ὁ δὲ Ἀρσάκης—γηραιὸς ἤδη καὶ νὴ Δί' οὐκ ἄσεμνος τὴν ὄψιν—εἰς τὸ βαρβαρικὸν ἤχθετο καὶ ἠγανάκτει πεζὸς βαδίζων καὶ ἠξίου τὸν ἵππον αὐτῷ προσαχθῆναι· καὶ γὰρ καὶ ὁ ἵππος αὐτῷ συνετεθνήκει, μιᾷ πληγῇ ἀμφότεροι διαπαρέντες ὑπὸ Θρᾳκός τινος πελταστοῦ ἐν τῇ ἐπὶ τῷ Ἀράξῃ πρὸς τὸν Καππαδόκην συμπλοκῇ. ὁ μὲν γὰρ Ἀρσάκης ἐπήλαυνεν, ὡς διηγεῖτο, πολὺ τῶν ἄλλων προεξορμήσας, ὑποστὰς δὲ ὁ Θρᾷξ τῇ πέλτῃ μὲν ὑποδὺς ἀποσείεται τοῦ Ἀρσάκου τὸν κοντόν, ὑποθεὶς δὲ τὴν σάρισαν αὐτόν τε διαπείρει καὶ τὸν ἵππον.
4. ANTISTHENES: How, Crates, could that be done by one blow?
4. ΑΝΤΙΣΘΕΝΗΣ: Πῶς οἷόν τε, ὦ Κράτης, μιᾷ πληγῇ τοῦτο γενέσθαι;
CRATES: Very easily, Antisthenes. He rode to the attack with his twenty cubit lance levelled, but the Thracian parried his thrust with his target, and, when the point had passed him, bent down on one knee, and, meeting the charge with his pike, wounded the chest of the horse, which impaled itself by its own fire and force, while Arsaces too was run right through from groin to buttock. You see what happened; it was done, not by the Thracian, but rather by the horse. However, Arsaces was annoyed at having no more honour than the rest, and wanted to come down on horseback.
ΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Ῥᾷστ', ὦ Ἀντισθένες· ὁ μὲν γὰρ ἐπήλαυνεν εἰκοσάπηχύν τινα κοντὸν προβεβλημένος, ὁ Θρᾷξ δ’ ἐπειδὴ τῇ πέλτῃ παρεκρούσατο τὴν προσβολὴν καὶ παρῆλθεν αὐτὸν ἡ ἀκωκή, ἐς τὸ γόνυ ὀκλάσας δέχεται τῇ σαρίσῃ τὴν ἐπέλασιν καὶ τιτρώσκει τὸν ἵππον ὑπὸ τὸ στέρνον ὑπὸ θυμοῦ καὶ σφοδρότητος ἑαυτὸν διαπείραντα· διελαύνεται δὲ καὶ ὁ Ἀρσάκης ἐκ τοῦ βουβῶνος διαμπὰξ ἄχρι ὑπὸ τὴν πυγήν. ὁρᾷς οἷόν τι ἐγένετο, οὐ τοῦ ἀνδρός, ἀλλὰ τοῦ ἵππου μᾶλλον τὸ ἔργον. ἠγανάκτει δ’ ὅμως ὁμότιμος ὢν τοῖς ἄλλοις καὶ ἠξίου ἱππεὺς κατιέναι.
5. CRATES: Oroetes had very tender feet, and couldn’t even stand on the ground, much less walk. All Medes are just like that, once they’re off their horses; like men walking on thistles, they go on tiptoe and can hardly move. So he threw himself down and lay there and defied all efforts to put him on his feet. But Hermes, excellent fellow, picked him up and carried him all the way to the ferry. How I laughed!
5. ΚΡΑΤΗΣ: ὁ δέ γε Ὀροίτης καὶ πάνυ ἁπαλὸς ἦν τὼ πόδε καὶ οὐδ’ ἑστάναι χαμαί, οὐχ ὅπως βαδίζειν ἐδύνατο· πάσχουσι δ’ αὐτὸ ἀτεχνῶς Μῆδοι πάντες, ἢν ἀποβῶσι τῶν ἵππων· ὥσπερ οἱ ἐπὶ τῶν ἀκανθῶν ἀκροποδητὶ μόλις βαδίζουσιν. ὥστε ἐπεὶ καταβαλὼν ἑαυτὸν ἔκειτο καὶ οὐδεμιᾷ μηχανῇ ἀνίστασθαι ἤθελεν, ὁ βέλτιστος Ἑρμῆς ἀράμενος αὐτὸν ἐκόμισεν ἄχρι πρὸς τὸ πορθμεῖον, ἐγὼ δὲ ἐγέλων.
6. ANTISTHENES: So did I, when I came down. I didn’t mix with the rest, but left them to their groans, and ran on ahead to the ferry, and made sure of a comfortable place for the voyage. During the crossing, they cried and were seasick, but I found it all most enjoyable.
6. ΑΝΤΙΣΘΕΝΗΣ: Κἀγὼ δὲ ὁπότε κατῄειν, οὐδ’ ἀνέμιξα ἐμαυτὸν τοῖς ἄλλοις, ἀλλ’ ἀφεὶς οἰμώζοντας αὐτοὺς προδραμὼν ἐπὶ τὸ πορθμεῖον προκατέλαβον χώραν, ὡς ἂν ἐπιτηδείως πλεύσαιμι· καὶ παρὰ τὸν πλοῦν οἱ μὲν ἐδάκρυόν τε καὶ ἐναυτίων, ἐγὼ δὲ μάλα ἐτερπόμην ἐπ' αὐτοῖς.
7. DIOGENES: So such, my friends, were your companions on the journey; for my part, I came down with Blepsias, the money-lender from the Piraeus, Lampis, the free-lance officer from Acarnania, and Damis, the rich man from Corinth. Damis had been poisoned by his son, Lampis had committed suicide out of love for Myrtium, the courtesan, while Blepsias, poor fellow, was said to have starved to death, and you could see quite clearly that he was pale in the extreme and completely wasted away. I knew how they died, but I asked just the same. Then, when Damis railed at his son, I said to him, “But your treatment at his hands was quite just, if you, who had a thousand talents in all, and lived a life of pleasure at ninety, wouldn’t allow your eighteen-year-old son any more than fourpence. And you, the gentleman from Acarnania” (for he was groaning too, and cursing Myrtium) “why do you blame Love instead of yourself as you should? Though you never showed fear in the face of the enemy, but would always court danger and fight in front of the others, yet, for all your courage, you admitted defeat to a quite ordinary wench with her artificial tears and lamentations.” As for Blepsias, he was the first to accuse himself of great folly in hoarding his money for heirs who were unrelated, thinking in his folly that he would live for ever. But they afforded me uncommon pleasure by their lamentations on that occasion.
7. ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Σὺ μέν, ὦ Κράτης καὶ Ἀντίσθενες, τοιούτων ἐτύχετε τῶν ξυνοδοιπόρων, ἐμοὶ δὲ Βλεψίας τε ὁ δανειστικὸς ὁ ἐκ Πειραιῶς καὶ Λάμπις ὁ Ἀκαρνὰν ξεναγὸς ὢν καὶ Δᾶμις ὁ πλούσιος ὁ ἐκ Κορίνθου συγκατῄεσαν, ὁ μὲν Δᾶμις ὑπὸ τοῦ παιδὸς ἐκ φαρμάκων ἀποθανών, ὁ δὲ Λάμπις δι’ ἔρωτα Μυρτίου τῆς ἑταίρας ἀποσφάξας ἑαυτόν, ὁ δὲ Βλεψίας λιμῷ ἄθλιος ἐλέγετο ἀπεσκληκέναι καὶ ἐδήλου δὲ ὠχρὸς εἰς ὑπερβολὴν καὶ λεπτὸς εἰς τὸ ἀκριβέστατον φαινόμενος. ἐγὼ δὲ καίπερ εἰδὼς ἀνέκρινον, ὃν τρόπον ἀποθάνοιεν. εἶτα τῷ μὲν Δάμιδι αἰτιωμένῳ τὸν υἱόν, Οὐκ ἄδικα μέντοι ἔπαθες, ἔφην, ὑπ' αὐτοῦ, εἰ τάλαντα ἔχων ὁμοῦ χίλια καὶ τρυφῶν αὐτὸς ἐνενηκοντούτης ὢν ὀκτωκαιδεκαέτει νεανίσκῳ τέτταρας ὀβολοὺς παρεῖχες. σὺ δέ, ὦ Ἀκαρνάν,—ἔστενε γὰρ κἀκεῖνος καὶ κατηρᾶτο τῇ Μυρτίῳ—τί αἰτιᾷ τὸν Ἔρωτα, σεαυτὸν δέον, ὃς τοὺς μὲν πολεμίους οὐδεπώποτε ἔτρεσας, ἀλλὰ φιλοκινδύνως ἠγωνίζου πρὸ τῶν ἄλλων, ἀπὸ δὲ τοῦ τυχόντος παιδισκαρίου καὶ δακρύων ἐπιπλάστων καὶ στεναγμῶν ἑάλως ὁ γενναῖος; ὁ μὲν γὰρ Βλεψίας αὐτὸς ἑαυτοῦ κατηγόρει φθάσας πολλὴν τὴν ἄνοιαν, ὡς τὰ χρήματα ἐφύλαττεν τοῖς οὐδὲν προσήκουσιν κληρονόμοις, εἰς ἀεὶ βιώσεσθαι ὁ μάταιος νομίζων. πλὴν ἔμοιγε οὐ τὴν τυχοῦσαν τερπωλὴν παρέσχον τότε στένοντες.
8. DIOGENES: But here we are at the entrance. We must look out and watch the distance for the first appearance of the newcomers. Hullo! What a crowd! What an assortment! And all crying except for those children and infants! Yes, even the oldest among them are in tears. Why such behaviour? Does Life hold them in her spell through a love-potion?
8. ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: ἀλλ’ ἤδη μὲν ἐπὶ τῷ στομίῳ ἐσμέν, ἀποβλέπειν δὲ χρὴ καὶ ἀποσκοπεῖν πόρρωθεν τοὺς ἀφικνουμένους. βαβαί, πολλοί γε καὶ ποικίλοι καὶ πάντες δακρύοντες πλὴν τῶν νεογνῶν τούτων καὶ νηπίων. ἀλλὰ καὶ οἱ πάνυ γέροντες ὀδύρονται. τί τοῦτο; ἆρα τὸ φίλτρον αὐτοὺς ἔχει τοῦ βίοῦ;
9. DIOGENES: I’d like to put a question to this hoary old fellow. Why do you weep at having died at your age? Why, good sir, are you so annoyed, though you’ve come here only in old age? Were you a king? BEGGAR: By no means.
9. ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: τοῦτον οὖν τὸν ὑπέργηρων ἐρέσθαι βούλομαι. τί δακρύεις τηλικοῦτος ἀποθανών; τί ἀγανακτεῖς, ὦ βέλτιστε, καὶ ταῦτα γέρων ἀφιγμένος; ἦ που βασιλεύς τις ἦσθα; ΠΤΩΧΟΣ: Οὐδαμῶς.
DIOGENES: A satrap? BEGGAR: Not that either.
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Ἀλλὰ σατράπης τις; ΠΤΩΧΟΣ: Οὐδὲ τοῦτο.
DIOGENES: Were you rich, then, and grieve at having left great luxury by your death? BEGGAR: Nothing of the kind. I was about ninety years old, I got a poor living by rod and line, I was utterly penniless, had no children, and besides all that, was lame and half blind.
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Ἆρα οὖν ἐπλούτεις, εἶτα ἀνιᾷ σε τὸ πολλὴν τρυφὴν ἀπολιπόντα τεθνάναι; ΠΤΩΧΟΣ: Οὐδὲν τοιοῦτο, ἀλλ’ ἔτη μὲν ἐγεγόνειν ἀμφὶ τὰ, ἐνενήκοντα, βίον δὲ ἄπορον ἀπὸ καλάμου καὶ ὁρμιᾶς εἶχον εἰς ὑπερβολὴν πτωχὸς ὢν ἄτεκνός τε καὶ προσέτι χωλὸς καὶ ἀμυδρὸν βλέπων.
DIOGENES: And in spite of your condition you still wanted to live? BEGGAR: Yes, for the light was sweet to me, and death was a frightening thing and to be avoided.
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Εἶτα τοιοῦτος ὢν ζῆν ἤθελες; ΠΤΩΧΟΣ: Ναί· ἡδὺ γὰρ ἦν τὸ φῶς καὶ τὸ τεθνάναι δεινὸν καὶ φευκτέον.
DIOGENES: You’re out of your mind, old fellow, and acting just like a boy, with such timidity in the face of the inevitable, though you’re as old as our ferryman. Why should we talk any more about the young, when men as old as you are such lovers of life, men who ought to be eager for death as a cure for the evils of old age? But let’s be off now, or we may be suspected of plotting our escape, if we’re seen crowding round the entrance.
ΔΙΟΓΕΝΗΣ: Παραπαίεις, ὦ γέρον, καὶ μειρακιεύῃ πρὸς τὸ χρεών, καὶ ταῦτα ἡλικιώτης ὢν τοῦ πορθμέως. τί οὖν ἄν τις ἔτι λέγοι περὶ τῶν νέων, ὁπότε οἱ τηλικοῦτοι φιλόζωοί εἰσιν, οὓς ἐχρῆν διώκειν τὸν θάνατον ὡς τῶν ἐν τῷ γήρᾳ κακῶν φάρμακον. ἀλλ’ ἀπίωμεν ἤδη, μὴ καί τις ἡμᾶς ὑπίδηται ὡς ἀπόδρασιν βουλεύοντας, ὁρῶν περὶ τὸ στόμιον εἰλουμένους.