1. Menippus: Let me see, now. First stage, Earth to Moon, 350 miles. Second stage, up to the Sun, 500 leagues. Then the third, to the actual Heaven and Zeus’s citadel, might be put at a day’s journey for an eagle in light marching order.
1. Μένιππος: οὐκοῦν τρισχίλιοι μὲν ἦσαν ἀπὸ γῆς στάδιοι μέχρι πρὸς τὴν σελήνην, ὁ πρῶτος ἡμῖν σταθμός· τοὐντεῦθεν δὲ ἐπὶ τὸν ἥλιον ἄνω παρασάγγαι που πεντακόσιοι· τὸ δὲ ἀπὸ τούτου ἐς αὐτὸν ἤδη τὸν οὐρανὸν καὶ τὴν ἀκρόπολιν τὴν τοῦ Διὸς ἄνοδος καὶ ταῦτα γένοιτʼ ἂν εὐζώνῳ ἀετῷ μιᾶς ἡμέρας.
Friend: In the name of goodness, Menippus, what are these astronomical sums you are doing under your breath? I have been dogging you for some time, listening to your suns and moons, queerly mixed up with common earthly stages and leagues.
Ἕταιρος: τί ταῦτα πρὸς Χαρίτων, ὦ Μένιππε, ἀστρονομεῖς καὶ ἡσυχῇ πως ἀναμετρεῖς; πάλαι γὰρ ἐπακροῶμαί σου παρακολουθῶν ἡλίους καὶ σελήνας, ἔτι δὲ τὰ φορτικὰ ταῦτα σταθμούς τινας καὶ παρασάγγας ὑποξενίζοντος.
Menippus: Ah, you must not be surprised if my talk is rather exalted and ethereal; I was making out the mileage of my journey.
Μένιππος: μὴ θαυμάσῃς, ὦ ἑταῖρε, εἰ μετέωρα καὶ διαέρια δοκῶ σοι λαλεῖν· τὸ κεφάλαιον γὰρ δὴ πρὸς ἐμαυτὸν ἀναλογίζομαι τῆς ἔναγχος ἀποδημίας.
Friend: Oh, I see; using stars to steer by, like the Phoenicians?
Ἕταιρος: εἶτα, ὦγαθε, καθάπερ οἱ Φοίνικες ἄστροις ἐτεκμαίρου τὴν ὁδόν;
Menippus: Oh no, travelling among them.
Μένιππος: οὐ μὰ Δία, ἀλλʼ ἐν αὐτοῖς τοῖς ἄστροις ἐποιούμην τὴν ἀποδημίαν.
Friend: Well, to be sure, it must have been a longish dream, if you lost yourself in it for whole leagues.
Ἕταιρος: Ἡράκλεις, μακρόν τινα τὸν ὄνειρον λέγεις, εἴ γε σαυτὸν ἔλαθες κατακοιμηθεὶς παρασάγγας ὅλους.
2. Menippus: Dream, my good man? I am just come straight from Zeus. Dream, indeed!
2. Μένιππος: ὄνειρον γάρ, ὦ τάν, δοκῶ σοι λέγειν ὃς ἀρτίως ἀφῖγμαι παρὰ τοῦ Διός;
Friend: How? What? Our Menippus a literal godsend from Heaven?
Ἕταιρος: πῶς ἔφησθα; Μένιππος ἡμῖν διοπετὴς πάρεστιν ἐξ οὐρανοῦ;
Menippus: Tis even so; from very Zeus I come this day, eyes and ears yet full of wonders. Oh, doubt, if you will. That my fortune should pass belief makes it only the more gratifying.
Μένιππος: καὶ μὴν ἐγώ σοι παρʼ αὐτοῦ ἐκείνου τοῦ πάνυ Διὸς ἥκω τήμερον θαυμάσια καὶ ἀκούσας καὶ ἰδών· εἰ δὲ ἀπιστεῖς, καὶ αὐτὸ τοῦτο ὑπερευφραίνομαι τὸ πέρα πίστεως εὐτυχεῖν.
Friend: Nay, my worshipful Olympian, how should I, ‘a man begotten, treading this poor earth,’ doubt him who transcends the clouds, a ‘denizen of Heaven,’ as Homer says? But vouchsafe to tell me how you were uplifted, and where you got your mighty tall ladder. There is hardly enough of Ganymede in your looks to suggest that you were carried off by the eagle for a cupbearer.
Ἕταιρος: καὶ πῶς ἂν ἔγωγε, ὦ θεσπέσιε καὶ Ὀλύμπιε Μένιππε, γεννητὸς αὐτὸς καὶ ἐπίγειος ὢν ἀπιστεῖν δυναίμην ὑπερνεφέλῳ ἀνδρὶ καὶ ἵνα καθʼ Ὅμηρον εἴπω τῶν Οὐρανιώνων ἑνί; ἀλλʼ ἐκεῖνά μοι φράσον, εἰ δοκεῖ, τίνα τρόπον ἤρθης ἄνω καὶ ὁπόθεν ἐπορίσω κλίμακα τηλικαύτην τὸ μέγεθος; τὰ μὲν γὰρ ἀμφὶ τὴν ὄψιν οὐ πάνυ ἔοικας ἐκείνῳ τῷ Φρυγί, ὥστε ἡμᾶς εἰκάζειν καὶ σὲ οἰνοχοήσοντά που ἀνάρπαστον γεγονέναι πρὸς τοῦ ἀετοῦ.
Menippus: I see you are bent on making a jest of it. Well, it is extraordinary; you could not be expected to see that it is not aromance. The fact is, I needed neither ladder nor amorous eagle; I had wings of my own.
Μένιππος: σὺ μὲν πάλαι σκώπτων δῆλος εἶ, καὶ θαυμαστὸν οὐδὲν εἴ σοι τὸ παράδοξον τοῦ λόγου μύθῳ δοκεῖ προσφερές. ἀτὰρ οὐδὲν ἐδέησέ μοι πρὸς τὴν ἄνοδον οὔτε τῆς κλίμακος οὔτε παιδικὰ γενέσθαι τοῦ ἀετοῦ· οἰκεῖα γὰρ ἦν μοι τὰ πτερά.
Friend: Stranger and stranger! this beats Daedalus. What, you turned into a hawk or a crow on the sly?
Ἕταιρος: τοῦτο μὲν ἤδη καὶ ὑπὲρ τὸν Δαίδαλον ἔφησθα, εἴ γε πρὸς τοῖς ἄλλοις ἐλελήθεις ἡμᾶς ἱέραξ τις ἢ κολοιὸς ἐξ ἀνθρώπου γενόμενος.
Menippus: Now that is not a bad shot; it was Daedalus’s wing trick that I tried.
Μένιππος: ὀρθῶς, ὦ ἑταῖρε, καὶ οὐκ ἀπὸ σκοποῦ εἴκασας· τὸ Δαιδάλειον γὰρ ἐκεῖνο σόφισμα τῶν πτερῶν καὶ αὐτὸς ἐμηχανησάμην.
3. Friend: Well, talk of foolhardiness! did you like the idea of falling into the sea, and giving us a Mare Menippeum after the irae of the Icarium? No fear. Icarus’s feathers were fastened with wax, and Pe course, directly the sun warmed this, he moulted and fell. No wax for me, thank you.
3. Ἕταιρος: εἶτα, ὦ τολμηρότατε πάντων, οὐκ ἐδεδοίκεις μὴ καὶ σύ που τῆς θαλάττης καταπεσὼν Μενίππειόν τι πέλαγος ἡμῖν ὥσπερ τὸ Ἰκάριον ἀποδείξῃς ἐπὶ τῷ σεαυτοῦ ὀνόματι;Μένιππος: οὐδαμῶς· ὁ μὲν γὰρ Ἴκαρος ἅτε κηρῷ τὴν πτέρωσιν ἡρμοσμένος, ἐπειδὴ τάχιστα πρὸς τὸν ἥλιον ἐκεῖνος ἐτάκη, πτερορρυήσας εἰκότως κατέπεσεν· ἡμῖν δὲ ἀκήρωτα ἦν τὰ ὠκύπτερα.
Friend: How did you manage, then? I declare I shall be believing you soon, if you go on like this.
Ἕταιρος: πῶς λέγεις; ἤδη γὰρ οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως ἠρέμα με προσάγεις πρὸς τὴν ἀλήθειαν τῆς διηγήσεως.
Menippus: Well, I caught a fine eagle, and also a particularly powerful vulture, and cut off their wings above the shoulder-joint. But no; if you are not in a hurry, I may as well give you dhe enterprise from the beginning.
Μένιππος: Ὧδέ πως· ἀετὸν εὐμεγέθη συλλαβών, ἔτι δὲ γῦπα τῶν καρτερῶν, ἀποτεμὼν αὐταῖς ὠλέναις τὰ πτερὰ — μᾶλλον δὲ καὶ πᾶσαν ἐξ ἀρχῆς τὴν ἐπίνοιαν, εἴ σοι σχολή, δίειμι.
Friend: Do, do; I am rapt aloft by your words already, my. mouth open for your bonne bouche; as you love me, leave me not in those upper regions hung up by the ears!
Ἕταιρος: πάνυ μὲν οὖν· ὡς ἐγώ σοι μετέωρός εἰμι ὑπὸ τῶν λόγων καὶ πρὸς τὸ τέλος ἤδη κέχηνα τῆς ἀκροάσεως· μηδὲ πρὸς Φιλίου με περιίδῃς ἄνω που τῆς διηγήσεως ἐκ τῶν ὤτων ἀπηρτημένον.
4. Menippus: Listen, then; it would be a sorry sight, a friend deserted, with his mouth open, and sus. per aures.—Well, a very short survey of life had convinced me of the absurdity and meanness and insecurity that pervade all human objects, such as wealth, office, power. I was filled with contempt for them, realized that to care for them was to lose all chance of what deserved care, and determined to grovel no more, but fix my gaze upon the great All. Here I found my first problem in what wise men call the universal order; I could not tell how it came into being, who made it, what was its beginning, or what its end. But my next step, which was the examination of details, landed me in yet worse perplexity. I found the stars dotted quite casually about the sky, and I wanted to know what the sun was. Especially the phenomena of the moon struck me as extraordinary, and quite passed my comprehension; there must be some mystery to account for those many phases, I conjectured. Nor could I feel any greater certainty about such things as the passage of lightning, the roll of thunder, the descent of rain and snow and hail.
4. Μένιππος: ἄκουε τοίνυν· οὐ γὰρ ἀστεῖόν γε τὸ θέαμα κεχηνότα φίλον ἐγκαταλιπεῖν, καὶ ταῦτα ὡς σὺ φὴς ἐκ τῶν ὤτων ἀπηρτημένον. ἐγὼ γὰρ ἐπειδὴ τάχιστα ἐξετάζων τὰ κατὰ τὸν βίον γελοῖα καὶ ταπεινὰ καὶ ἀβέβαια τὰ ἀνθρώπινα πάντα εὕρισκον, πλούτους λέγω καὶ ἀρχὰς καὶ δυναστείας, καταφρονήσας αὐτῶν καὶ τὴν περὶ ταῦτα σπουδὴν ἀσχολίαν τῶν ἀληθῶς σπουδαίων ὑπολαβὼν ἀνακύπτειν τε καὶ πρὸς τὸ πᾶν ἀποβλέπειν ἐπειρώμην· καί μοι ἐνταῦθα πολλήν τινα παρεῖχε τὴν ἀπορίαν πρῶτον μὲν αὐτὸς οὗτος ὁ ὑπὸ τῶν σοφῶν καλούμενος κόσμος· οὐ γὰρ εἶχον εὑρεῖν οὔθʼ ὅπως ἐγένετο οὔτε τὸν δημιουργὸν οὔτε ἀρχὴν οὔθʼ ὅ τι τὸ τέλος ἐστὶν αὐτοῦ. ἔπειτα δὲ κατὰ μέρος ἐπισκοπῶν πολὺ μᾶλλον ἀπορεῖν ἠναγκαζόμην· τούς τε γὰρ ἀστέρας ἑώρων ὡς ἔτυχε τοῦ οὐρανοῦ διερριμμένους καὶ τὸν ἥλιον αὐτὸν τί ποτε ἦν ἄρα ἐπόθουν εἰδέναι· μάλιστα δὲ τὰ κατὰ τὴν σελήνην ἄτοπά μοι καὶ παντελῶς παράδοξα κατεφαίνετο, καὶ τὸ πολυειδὲς αὐτῆς τῶν σχημάτων ἀπόρρητόν τινα τὴν αἰτίαν ἔχειν ἐδοκίμαζον. οὐ μὴν ἀλλὰ καὶ ἀστραπὴ διαΐξασα καὶ βροντὴ καταρραγεῖσα καὶ ὑετὸς ἢ χιὼν ἢ χάλαζα κατενεχθεῖσα καὶ ταῦτα δυσείκαστα πάντα καὶ ἀτέκμαρτα ἦν.
5. Menippus: In this state of mind, the best I could think of was to get at the truth of it all from the people called philosophers; they of course would be able to give it me. So I selected the best of them, if solemnity of visage, pallor of complexion and length of beard are any criterion—for there could not be a moment’s doubt of their soaring words and heaven-high thoughts—and in their hands I placed myself. For a considerable sum down, and more to be paid when they should have perfected me in wisdom, I was to be made an airy metaphysician and instructed in the order of the universe. Unfortunately, so far from dispelling my previous ignorance, they perplexed me more and more, with their daily drenches of beginnings and ends, atoms and voids, matters and forms. My greatest difficulty was that, though they differed among themselves, and all they said was full of inconsistency and contradiction, they expected me to believe them, each pulling me in his own direction.
5. Μένιππος: οὐκοῦν ἐπειδήπερ οὕτω διεκείμην, ἄριστον εἶναι ὑπελάμβανον παρὰ τῶν φιλοσόφων τούτων ταῦτα ἕκαστα ἐκμαθεῖν· ᾤμην γὰρ ἐκείνους γε πᾶσαν ἔχειν ἂν εἰπεῖν τὴν ἀλήθειαν. οὕτω δὲ τοὺς ἀρίστους ἐπιλεξάμενος αὐτῶν, ὡς ἐνῆν τεκμήρασθαι προσώπου τε σκυθρωπότητι καὶ χρόας ὠχρότητι καὶ γενείου βαθύτητι — μάλα γὰρ ὑψαγόραι τινὲς καὶ οὐρανογνώμονες οἱ ἄνδρες αὐτίκα μοι κατεφάνησαν—τούτοις ἐγχειρίσας ἐμαυτὸν καὶ συχνὸν ἀργύριον τὸ μὲν αὐτόθεν ἤδη καταβαλών, τὸ δὲ εἰσαῦθις ἀποδώσειν ἐπὶ κεφαλαίῳ τῆς σοφίας διομολογησάμενος, ἠξίουν μετεωρολέσχης τε διδάσκεσθαι καὶ τὴν τῶν ὅλων διακόσμησιν καταμαθεῖν. οἱ δὲ τοσοῦτον ἄρα ἐδέησάν με τῆς παλαιᾶς ἐκείνης ἀγνοίας ἀπαλλάξαι, ὥστε καὶ εἰς μείζους ἀπορίας φέροντες ἐνέβαλον, ἀρχάς τινας καὶ τέλη καὶ ἀτόμους καὶ κενὰ καὶ ὕλας καὶ ἰδέας καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα ὁσημέραι μου καταχέοντες. ὃ δὲ πάντων ἐμοὶ γοῦν ἐδόκει χαλεπώτατον, ὅτι μηδὲν ἅτερος θατέρῳ λέγοντες ἀκόλουθον ἀλλὰ μαχόμενα πάντα καὶ ὑπεναντία, ὅμως πείθεσθαί τέ με ἠξίουν καὶ πρὸς τὸν αὑτοῦ λόγον ἕκαστος ὑπάγειν ἐπειρῶντο.
Friend: How absurd that wise men should quarrel about facts, and hold different opinions on the same things!
Ἕταιρος: ἄτοπον λέγεις, εἰ σοφοὶ ὄντες οἱ ἄνδρες ἐστασίαζον πρὸς αὑτοὺς περὶ τῶν λόγων καὶ οὐ τὰ αὐτὰ περὶ τῶν αὐτῶν ἐδόξαζον.
6. Menippus: Ah, but keep your laughter till you have heard something ” of their pretentious mystifications. To begin with, their feet are on the ground; they are no taller than the rest of us ‘men that walk the earth’; they are no sharper-sighted than their neighbours, some of them purblind, indeed, with age or indolence; and yet they say they can distinguish the limits of the sky, they measure the sun’s circumference, take their walks in the supra-lunar regions, and specify the sizes and shapes of the stars as though they had fallen from them; often one of them could not tell you correctly the number of miles from Megara to Athens, but has no hesitation about the distance in feet from the sun to the moon. How high the atmosphere is, how deep the sea, how far it is round the earth—they have the figures for all that; and moreover, they have only to draw some circles, arrange a few triangles and squares, add certain complicated spheres, and lo, they have the cubic contents of Heaven.
6. Μένιππος: καὶ μήν, ὦ ἑταῖρε, γελάσῃ ἀκούσας τήν τε ἀλαζονείαν αὐτῶν καὶ τὴν ἐν τοῖς λόγοις τερατουργίαν, οἵ γε πρῶτα μὲν ἐπὶ γῆς βεβηκότες καὶ μηδὲν τῶν χαμαὶ ἐρχομένων ἡμῶν ὑπερέχοντες, ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ ὀξύτερον τοῦ πλησίον δεδορκότες, ἔνιοι δὲ καὶ ὑπὸ γήρως ἢ ἀργίας ἀμβλυώττοντες, ὅμως οὐρανοῦ τε πέρατα διορᾶν ἔφασκον καὶ τὸν ἥλιον περιεμέτρουν καὶ τοῖς ὑπὲρ τὴν σελήνην ἐπεβάτευον καὶ ὥσπερ ἐκ τῶν ἀστέρων καταπεσόντες μεγέθη τε αὐτῶν διεξῄεσαν, καὶ πολλάκις, εἰ τύχοι, μηδὲ ὁπόσοι στάδιοι Μεγαρόθεν Ἀθήναζέ εἰσιν ἀκριβῶς ἐπιστάμενοι τὸ μεταξὺ τῆς σελήνης καὶ τοῦ ἡλίου χωρίον ὁπόσων εἴη πηχῶν τὸ μέγεθος ἐτόλμων λέγειν, ἀέρος τε ὕψη καὶ θαλάττης βάθη καὶ γῆς περιόδους ἀναμετροῦντες, ἔτι δὲ κύκλους καταγράφοντες καὶ τρίγωνα ἐπὶ τετραγώνοις διασχηματίζοντες καὶ σφαίρας τινὰς ποικίλας τὸν οὐρανὸν δῆθεν αὐτὸν ἐπιμετροῦντες.
7. Menippus: Then, how reasonable and modest of them, dealing with subjects so debatable, to issue their views without a hint of uncertainty; thus it must be and it shall be; contra genes they will have it so; they will tell you on oath the sun is a molten mass, the moon inhabited, and the stars water-drinkers, moisture being drawn up by the sun’s rope and bucket and equitably distributed among them.
7. Μένιππος: ἔπειτα δὲ κἀκεῖνο πῶς οὐκ ἄγνωμον αὐτῶν καὶ παντελῶς τετυφωμένον τὸ περὶ τῶν οὕτως ἀδήλων λέγοντας μηδὲν ὡς εἰκάζοντας ἀποφαίνεσθαι, ἀλλʼ ὑπερδιατείνεσθαί τε καὶ μηδεμίαν τοῖς ἄλλοις ὑπερβολὴν ἀπολιμπάνειν, μονονουχὶ διομνυμένους μύδρον μὲν εἶναι τὸν ἥλιον, κατοικεῖσθαι δὲ τὴν σελήνην, ὑδατοποτεῖν δὲ τοὺς ἀστέρας τοῦ ἡλίου καθάπερ ἱμονιᾷ τινι τὴν ἰκμάδα ἐκ τῆς θαλάττης ἀνασπῶντος καὶ ἅπασιν αὐτοῖς τὸ ποτὸν ἑξῆς διανέμοντος.
8. Menippus: How their theories conflict is soon apparent; next-door neighbours? no, they are miles apart. In the first place, their views of the world differ. Some say it had no beginning, and cannot end; others boldly talk of its creator and his procedure; what particularly entertained me was that these latter set up a contriver of the universe, but fail to mention where he came from, or what he stood on while about his elaborate task, though it is by no means obvious how there could be place or time before the universe came into being.
8. Μένιππος: τὴν μὲν γὰρ ἐναντιότητα τῶν λόγων ὁπόση ῥᾴδιον καταμαθεῖν. καὶ σκόπει πρὸς Διός, εἰ ἐν γειτόνων ἐστὶ τὰ δόγματα καὶ μὴ πάμπολυ διεστηκότα· πρῶτα μὲν γὰρ αὐτοῖς ἡ περὶ τοῦ κόσμου γνώμη διάφορος, εἴ γε τοῖς μὲν ἀγέννητός τε καὶ ἀνώλεθρος εἶναι δοκεῖ, οἱ δὲ καὶ τὸν δημιουργὸν αὐτοῦ καὶ τῆς κατασκευῆς τὸν τρόπον εἰπεῖν ἐτόλμησαν· οὓς καὶ μάλιστα ἐθαύμαζον θεὸν μέν τινα τεχνίτην τῶν ὅλων ἐφιστάντας, οὐ προστιθέντας δὲ οὔτε ὅθεν ἥκων οὔτε ὅπου ἑστὼς ἕκαστα ἐτεκταίνετο, καίτοι πρό γε τῆς τοῦ παντὸς γενέσεως ἀδύνατον καὶ χρόνον καὶ τόπον ἐπινοεῖν.
Friend: You really do make them out very audacious conjurers.
Ἕταιρος: μάλα τινάς, ὦ Μένιππε, τολμητὰς καὶ θαυματοποιοὺς ἄνδρας λέγεις.
Menippus: My dear fellow, I wish I could give you their lucubrations on ideas and incorporeals, on finite and infinite. Over that point, now, there is fierce battle; some circumscribe the All, others will have it unlimited. At the same time they declare for a plurality of worlds, and speak scornfully of others who make only one. And there is a bellicose person who maintains that war is the father of the universe 3.
Μένιππος: τί δʼ εἰ ἀκούσειας, ὦ θαυμάσιε, περί τε ἰδεῶν καὶ ἀσωμάτων ἃ διεξέρχονται ἢ τοὺς περὶ τοῦ πέρατός τε καὶ ἀπείρου λόγους; καὶ γὰρ αὖ καὶ αὕτη νεανικὴ αὐτοῖς ἡ μάχη, τοῖς μὲν τέλει τὸ πᾶν περιγράφουσι, τοῖς δὲ ἀτελὲς τοῦτο εἶναι ὑπολαμβάνουσιν· οὐ μὴν ἀλλὰ καὶ παμπόλλους τινὰς εἶναι τοὺς κόσμους ἀπεφαίνοντο καὶ τῶν ὡς περὶ ἑνὸς αὐτῶν διαλεγομένων κατεγίνωσκον. ἕτερος δέ τις οὐκ εἰρηνικὸς ἀνὴρ πόλεμον τῶν ὅλων πατέρα εἶναι ἐδόξαζε.
9. Menippus: As to Gods, I need hardly deal with that question. For some of them God is a number; some swear by dogs and geese and plane-trees?, Some again banish all other Gods, and attri- 1 Variously attributed to Heraclitus, who denies the possibility of repose, and insists that all things are in a state of flux; and to Empedocles, who makes all change and becoming depend on the interaction of the two principles, attraction and repulsion, 3 Socrates made a practice of substituting these for the names of Gods in his oaths, bute the control of the universe to a single one; I.ot rather depressed on learning how small the supply of divinity was. But I was comforted by the lavish souls who not only make many, but classify; there was a First God, and second and third classes of divinity. Yet again, some regard the divine nature as unsubstantial and without form, while others conceive it as a substance. Then they were not all disposed to recognize a Providence; some relieve the Gods of all care, as we relieve the superannuated of their cjvic duties; in fact, they treat them exactly like supernumeraries on the stage. The last step is also taken, of saying that Gods do not exist at all, and leaving the world to drift along without a master or a guiding hand.
9. Μένιππος: περὶ μὲν γὰρ τῶν θεῶν τί χρὴ καὶ λέγειν; ὅπου τοῖς μὲν ἀριθμός τις ὁ θεὸς ἦν, οἱ δὲ κατὰ χηνῶν καὶ κυνῶν καὶ πλατάνων ἐπώμνυντο. καὶ οἱ μὲν τοὺς ἄλλους ἅπαντας θεοὺς ἀπελάσαντες ἑνὶ μόνῳ τὴν τῶν ὅλων ἀρχὴν ἀπένεμον, ὥστε ἠρέμα καὶ ἄχθεσθαί με τοσαύτην ἀπορίαν θεῶν ἀκούοντα· οἱ δʼ ἔμπαλιν ἐπιδαψιλευόμενοι πολλούς τε αὐτοὺς ἀπέφαινον καὶ διελόμενοι τὸν μέν τινα πρῶτον θεὸν ἐπεκάλουν, τοῖς δὲ τὰ δεύτερα καὶ τρίτα ἔνεμον τῆς θειότητος· ἔτι δὲ οἱ μὲν ἀσώματόν τι καὶ ἄμορφον ἡγοῦντο εἶναι τὸ θεῖον, οἱ δὲ ὡς περὶ σώματος αὐτοῦ διενοοῦντο. εἶτα καὶ προνοεῖν τῶν καθʼ ἡμᾶς πραγμάτων οὐ πᾶσιν ἐδόκουν οἱ θεοί, ἀλλʼ ἦσάν τινες οἱ τῆς συμπάσης ἐπιμελείας αὐτοὺς ἀφιέντες, ὥσπερ ἡμεῖς εἰώθαμεν ἀπολύειν τῶν λειτουργιῶν τοὺς παρηβηκότας· οὐδὲν γὰρ ὅτι μὴ τοῖς κωμικοῖς δορυφορήμασιν ἐοικότας αὐτοὺς εἰσάγουσιν. ἔνιοι δὲ ταῦτα πάντα ὑπερβάντες οὐδὲ τὴν ἀρχὴν εἶναι θεούς τινας ἐπίστευον, ἀλλʼ ἀδέσποτον καὶ ἀνηγεμόνευτον φέρεσθαι τὸν κόσμον ἀπελίμπανον.
10. Menippus: Well, when I heard all this, I dared not disbelieve people whose voices and beards were equally suggestive of Zeus. But I knew not where to turn for a theory that was not open to exception, nor combated by one as soon as propounded by another, I found myself in the state Homer has described; many a time I would vigorously start believing one of these gentlemen; But then came second thoughts.’ So in my distress I began to despair of ever getting any knowledge about these things on earth; the only possible escape from perplexity would be to take to myself wings and go up to Heaven, Partly the wish was father to the thought; but it was confirmed by Aesop’s Fables, from which it appears that Heaven is accessible to eagles, beetles, and sometimes camels. It was pretty clear that I could not possibly develop feathers of my own. But if I were to wear vulture’s or eagle’s wings— the only kinds equal to a man’s weight—I might perhaps succeed. I caught the birds, and effectually amputated the eagle’s right, and the vulture’s left wing. These I fastened together, attached them to my shoulders with broad thick straps, and provided grips for my hands near the end of the quill-feathers. Then I made experiments, first jumping up and helping the jump by flapping my hands, or imitating the. way a goose raises itself without leaving the ground and combines running with flight. Finding the machine obedient, I next made a bolder venture, went up the Acropolis, and launched myself from the cliff right over the theatre.
10. Μένιππος: τοιγάρτοι ταῦτα ἀκούων ἀπιστεῖν μὲν οὐκ ἐτόλμων ὑψιβρεμέταις τε καὶ ἠϋγενείοις ἀνδράσιν· οὐ μὴν εἶχόν γε ὅπη τῶν λόγων τραπόμενος ἀνεπίληπτόν τι αὐτῶν εὕροιμι καὶ ὑπὸ θατέρου μηδαμῆ περιτρεπόμενον. ὥστε δὴ τὸ Ὁμηρικὸν ἐκεῖνο ἀτεχνῶς ἔπασχον· πολλάκις μὲν γὰρ ἂν ὥρμησα πιστεύειν τινὶ αὐτῶν, ἕτερος δέ με θυμὸς ἔρυκεν. Ἐφʼ οἷς ἅπασιν ἀμηχανῶν ἐπὶ γῆς μὲν ἀκούσεσθαί τι περὶ τούτων ἀληθὲς ἀπεγίνωσκον, μίαν δὲ τῆς συμπάσης ἀπορίας ἀπαλλαγὴν ᾤμην ἔσεσθαι, εἰ αὐτὸς πτερωθείς πως ἀνέλθοιμι εἰς τὸν οὐρανόν. τούτου δέ μοι παρεῖχε τὴν ἐλπίδα μάλιστα μὲν ἡ ἐπιθυμία … καὶ ὁ λογοποιὸς Αἴσωπος ἀετοῖς καὶ κανθάροις, ἐνίοτε καὶ καμήλοις βάσιμον ἀποφαίνων τὸν οὐρανόν. αὐτὸν μὲν οὖν πτεροφυῆσαί ποτε οὐδεμιᾷ μηχανῇ δυνατὸν εἶναί μοι κατεφαίνετο· εἰ δὲ γυπὸς ἢ ἀετοῦ περιθείμην πτερά—ταῦτα γὰρ μόνα ἂν διαρκέσαι πρὸς μέγεθος ἀνθρωπίνου σώματος — τάχα ἄν μοι τὴν πεῖραν προχωρῆσαι. καὶ δὴ συλλαβὼν τὰ ὄρνεα θατέρου μὲν τὴν δεξιὰν πτέρυγα, τοῦ γυπὸς δὲ τὴν ἑτέραν ἀπέτεμον εὖ μάλα· εἶτα διαδήσας καὶ κατὰ τοὺς ὤμους τελαμῶσι καρτεροῖς ἁρμοσάμενος καὶ πρὸς ἄκροις τοῖς ὠκυπτέροις λαβάς τινας ταῖς χερσὶ παρασκευάσας ἐπειρώμην ἐμαυτοῦ τὸ πρῶτον ἀναπηδῶν καὶ ταῖς χερσὶν ὑπηρετῶν καὶ ὥσπερ οἱ χῆνες ἔτι χαμαιπετῶς ἐπαιρόμενος καὶ ἀκροβατῶν ἅμα μετὰ τῆς πτήσεως· ἐπεὶ δὲ ὑπήκουέ μοι τὸ χρῆμα, τολμηρότερον ἤδη τῆς πείρας ἡπτόμην, καὶ ἀνελθὼν ἐπὶ τὴν ἀκρόπολιν ἀφῆκα ἐμαυτὸν κατὰ τοῦ κρημνοῦ φέρων ἐς αὐτὸ τὸ θέατρον.
11. Menippus: Getting safely to the bottom that time, my aspirations shot up aloft. I took to starting from Parnes or Hymettus, flying to. Geranea, thence to the top of the Acrocorinthus, and over Pholoé and Erymanthus to Taygetus. The training for my venture was now complete; my powers were developed, and equal to a lofty flight; no more fledgeling essays for me. I went up Olympus, provisioning myself as lightly as possible. The moment was come; I soared skywards, giddy at first with that great void below, but soon conquering this difficulty. When I approached the Moon, long after parting from the clouds, I was conscious of fatigue, especially in the left or vulture’s wing. So I alighted and sat down to rest, having a_bird’s-eye view of the Earth, like the Homeric Zeus,Surveying now the Thracian horsemen’s land,Now Mysia,and again, as the fancy took me, Greece or Persia or India, From all which I drew a manifold delight.
11. Μένιππος: ὡς δὲ ἀκινδύνως κατεπτόμην, ἤδη καὶ μετέωρα ἐφρόνουν καὶ ἄρας ἀπὸ Πάρνηθος ἢ ἀπὸ Ὑμηττοῦ μέχρι Γερανείας ἐπετόμην, εἶτʼ ἐκεῖθεν ἐπὶ τὸν Ἀκροκόρινθον ἄνω, εἶτα ὑπὲρ Φολόης καὶ Ἐρυμάνθου μέχρι πρὸς τὸ Ταΰγετον. ἤδη δʼ οὖν μοι τοῦ τολμήματος ἐκμεμελετημένου τέλειός τε καὶ ὑψιπέτης γενόμενος οὐκέτι τὰ νεοττῶν ἐφρόνουν, ἀλλʼ ἐπὶ τὸν Ὄλυμπον ἀναβὰς καὶ ὡς ἐνῆν μάλιστα κούφως ἐπισιτισάμενος τὸ λοιπὸν ἔτεινον εὐθὺ τοῦ οὐρανοῦ, τὸ μὲν πρῶτον ἰλιγγιῶν ὑπὸ τοῦ βάθους, μετὰ δὲ ἔφερον καὶ τοῦτο εὐμαρῶς. ἐπεὶ δὲ κατʼ αὐτὴν ἤδη τὴν σελήνην ἐγεγόνειν πάμπολυ τῶν νεφῶν ἀποσπάσας, ᾐσθόμην κάμνοντος ἐμαυτοῦ, καὶ μάλιστα κατὰ τὴν ἀριστερὰν πτέρυγα τὴν γυπίνην. προσελάσας οὖν καὶ καθεζόμενος ἐπʼ αὐτῆς διανεπαυόμην ἐς τὴν γῆν ἄνωθεν ἀποβλέπων καὶ ὥσπερ ὁ τοῦ Ὁμήρου Ζεὺς ἐκεῖνος ἄρτι μὲν τὴν τῶν ἱπποπόλων Θρῃκῶν καθορώμενος, ἄρτι δὲ τὴν Μυσῶν, μετʼ ὀλίγον δέ, εἰ δόξειέ μοι, τὴν Ἑλλάδα, τὴν Περσίδα καὶ τὴν Ἰνδικήν. ἐξ ὧν ἁπάντων ποικίλης τινὸς ἡδονῆς ἐνεπιμπλάμην.
Friend: Oh well, Menippus, tell me all about it. I do not want to miss a single one of your travel experiences; if you picked up any stray information, let me have that too. I promise myself a great many facts about the shape of the Earth, and how everything on it looked to you from your point of vantage.
Ἕταιρος: οὐκοῦν καὶ ταῦτα λέγοις ἄν, ὦ Μένιππε, ἵνα μηδὲ καθʼ ἓν ἀπολειπώμεθα τῆς ἀποδημίας, ἀλλʼ εἴ τί σοι καὶ ὁδοῦ πάρεργον ἱστόρηται, καὶ τοῦτο εἰδῶμεν· ὡς ἔγωγε οὐκ ὀλίγα προσδοκῶ ἀκούσεσθαι σχήματός τε πέρι γῆς καὶ τῶν ἐπʼ αὐτῆς ἁπάντων, οἷά σοι ἄνωθεν ἐπισκοποῦντι κατεφαίνετο.
Menippus: And you will not be disappointed there, friend. So do your best to get up to the Moon, with my story for travelling companion and showman of the terrestrial scene.
Μένιππος: καὶ ὀρθῶς γε, ὦ ἑταῖρε, εἰκάζεις· διόπερ ὡς οἷόν τε ἀναβὰς ἐπὶ τὴν σελήνην τῷ λόγῳ συναποδήμει τε καὶ συνεπισκόπει τὴν ὅλην τῶν ἐπὶ γῆς διάθεσιν.
12. Menippus: Imagine yourself first descrying a tiny Earth, far smaller than the Moon looks; on turning my eyes down, I could not think for some time what had become of our mighty mountains and vast sea. If I had not caught sight of the Colossus of Rhodes and the Pharus tower, I assure you I should never have made out the Earth at all. But their height and projection, with the faint shimmer of Ocean in the sun, showed me it must be the Earth I was looking at. Then, when once I had got my sight properly focused, the whole human race was clear to me, not merely in the shape of nations and cities, but the individuals, sailing, fighting, ploughing, going to law; the women, the beasts, and in short every breed ‘that feedeth on earth’s foison.’
12. Μένιππος: καὶ πρῶτόν γέ μοι πάνυ μικρὰν δόκει τινὰ τὴν γῆν ὁρᾶν, πολὺ λέγω τῆς σελήνης βραχυτέραν, ὥστε ἐγὼ ἄφνω κατακύψας ἐπὶ πολὺ ἠπόρουν ποῦ εἴη τὰ τηλικαῦτα ὄρη καὶ ἡ τοσαύτη θάλαττα· καὶ εἴ γε μὴ τὸν Ῥοδίων κολοσσὸν ἐθεασάμην καὶ τὸν ἐπὶ τῇ Φάρῳ πύργον, εὖ ἴσθι, παντελῶς ἄν με ἡ γῆ διέλαθε. νῦν δὲ ταῦτα ὑψηλὰ ὄντα καὶ ὑπερανεστηκότα καὶ ὁ Ὠκεανὸς ἠρέμα πρὸς τὸν ἥλιον ὑποστίλβων διεσήμαινέ μοι γῆν εἶναι τὸ ὁρώμενον. ἐπεὶ δὲ ἅπαξ τὴν ὄψιν ἐς τὸ ἀτενὲς ἀπηρεισάμην, ἅπας ὁ τῶν ἀνθρώπων βίος ἤδη κατεφαίνετο, οὐ κατὰ ἔθνη μόνον καὶ πόλεις, ἀλλὰ καὶ αὐτοὶ σαφῶς οἱ πλέοντες, οἱ πολεμοῦντες, οἱ γεωργοῦντες, οἱ δικαζόμενοι, τὰ γύναια, τὰ θηρία, καὶ πάνθʼ ἁπλῶς ὁπόσα τρέφει ζείδωρος ἄρουρα.
Friend: Most unconvincing and contradictory. Just now you were searching for the Earth, it was so diminished by distance, and if the Colossus had not betrayed it, you would have taken it for something else; and now you develop suddenly into a Lynceus, and distinguish everything upon it, the men, the beasts, one might almost say the gnat-swarms. Explain, please.
Ἕταιρος: παντελῶς ἀπίθανα φὴς ταῦτα καὶ αὑτοῖς ὑπεναντία· ὃς γὰρ ἀρτίως, ὦ Μένιππε, τὴν γῆν ἐζήτεις ὑπὸ τοῦ μεταξὺ διαστήματος ἐς βραχὺ συνεσταλμένην, καὶ εἴ γε μὴ ὁ κολοσσὸς ἐμήνυσέ σοι, τάχα ἂν ἄλλο τι ᾠήθης ὁρᾶν, πῶς νῦν καθάπερ Λυγκεύς τις ἄφνω γενόμενος ἅπαντα διαγινώσκεις τὰ ἐπὶ γῆς, τοὺς ἀνθρώπους, τὰ θηρία, μικροῦ δεῖν τὰς τῶν ἐμπίδων νεοττιάς;
13. Menippus: Why, tobesure! how did I come to leave out so essential a particular? I had made out the Earth, you see, but could not distinguish any details; the distance was so great, quite beyond the scope of my vision; so I was much chagrined and baffled. At this moment of depression—I was very near tears—who should come up behind me but Empedocles the physicist? His complexion was like charcoal variegated with ashes, as if he had been baked. I will not deny that I felt some tremors at the sight of him, taking him for some lunar spirit. But he said: ‘Do not be afraid, Menippus;A mortal I, no God; how vain thy dreams. I am Empedocles the physicist. When I threw myself into the crater in such a hurry, the smoke of Etna whirled me off up here; and now I live in the Moon, doing a good deal of high thinking on a diet of dew. So I have come to help you out of your difficulty; you are distressed, I take it, at not being able to see everything on the Earth.’ ‘Thank you so much, you good Empedocles,’ I said; ‘as soon as my wings have brought me back to Greece, I will remember to pour libations to you up the chimney, and salute you on the first of every month with three moonward yawns.’ ‘Endymion be my witness,’ he replied, ‘I had no thought of such a bargain; I was touched by the sight of your distress. Now, what do you think is the way to sharpen your sight?'
13. Μένιππος: εὖ γε ὑπέμνησας· ὃ γὰρ μάλιστα ἐχρῆν εἰπεῖν, τοῦτο οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως παρέλιπον. ἐπεὶ γὰρ αὐτὴν μὲν ἐγνώρισα τὴν γῆν ἰδών, τὰ δʼ ἄλλα οὐχ οἷός τε ἦν καθορᾶν ὑπὸ τοῦ βάθους ἅτε τῆς ὄψεως μηκέτι ἐφικνουμένης, πάνυ μʼ ἠνία τὸ χρῆμα καὶ πολλὴν παρεῖχε τὴν ἀπορίαν. κατηφεῖ δὲ ὄντι μοι καὶ ὀλίγου δεῖν δεδακρυμένῳ ἐφίσταται κατόπιν ὁ σοφὸς Ἐμπεδοκλῆς, ἀνθρακίας τις ἰδεῖν καὶ σποδοῦ ἀνάπλεως καὶ κατωπτημένος· κἀγὼ μὲν ὡς εἶδον, — εἰρήσεται γάρ — ὑπεταράχθην καί τινα σεληναῖον δαίμονα ᾠήθην ὁρᾶν· ὁ δέ, θάρρει, φησίν, ὦ Μένιππε, οὔτις τοι θεός εἰμι, τί μʼ ἀθανάτοισιν ἐΐσκεις; ὁ φυσικὸς οὗτός εἰμι Ἐμπεδοκλῆς· ἐπεὶ γὰρ ἐς τοὺς κρατῆρας ἐμαυτὸν φέρων ἐνέβαλον, ὁ καπνός με ἀπὸ τῆς Αἴτνης ἁρπάσας δεῦρο ἀνήγαγε, καὶ νῦν ἐν τῇ σελήνῃ κατοικῶ ἀεροβατῶν τὰ πολλὰ καὶ σιτοῦμαι δρόσον. ἥκω τοίνυν σε ἀπολύσων τῆς παρούσης ἀπορίας· ἀνιᾷ γάρ σε, οἶμαι, καὶ στρέφει τὸ μὴ σαφῶς τὰ ἐπὶ γῆς ὁρᾶν·. εὖ γε ἐποίησας, ἦν δʼ ἐγώ, βέλτιστε Ἐμπεδόκλεις, κἀπειδὰν τάχιστα κατάπτωμαι πάλιν ἐς τὴν Ἑλλάδα, μεμνήσομαι σπένδειν τέ σοι ἐπὶ τῆς καπνοδόκης κἀν ταῖς νουμηνίαις πρὸς τὴν σελήνην τρὶς ἐγχανὼν προσεύχεσθαι. ἀλλὰ μὰ τὸν Ἐνδυμίωνα, ἦ δʼ ὅς, οὐχὶ τοῦ μισθοῦ χάριν ἀφῖγμαι, πέπονθα δέ τι τὴν ψυχὴν ἰδών σε λελυπημένον. ἀτὰρ οἶσθα ὅ τι δράσας ὀξυδερκὴς γενήσῃ;
14. Menippus: ‘I have no idea, unless you were to remove the mist from my eyes for me; the sight seems quite bleared.’ ‘Oh, you can do without me; the thing that gives sharp sight you have brought with you from Earth.’ ‘Unconsciously, then; what is it??. ‘Why, you know that you have on an eagle’s right wing?? ‘Of course I do; but what have wings and eyes to do with one another?? ‘Only this,’ he said; ‘the eagle is far the strongest-eyed of all living things, the only one that can look straight at the sun; the test of the true royal eagle is, his meeting its rays without blinking.’ ‘So I have heard; I wish I had taken out my own eyes when I was starting, and substituted the eagle’s. I am an imperfect specimen now I am here, not up to the royal standard at all, but like the rejected bastards.’ ‘Well, you can very soon acquire one royal eye. If you will stand up for a minute, keep the vulture wing still, and work the other, your right eye, corresponding to that wing, will gain strength. As for the other, its dimness cannot possibly be obviated, as it belongs to the inferior member.’ 'Oh, I shall be quite content with aquiline vision for the right eye only,’ I said; ‘I have often observed that carpenters in ruling their wood find one better than two.’ So saying, I proceeded to carry out my instructions at once. Empedocles began gradually to disappear, and at last vanished in smoke.
14. Μένιππος: μὰ Δίʼ, ἦν δʼ ἐγώ, ἢν μὴ σύ μοιτὴν ἀχλύν πως ἀφέλῃς ἀπὸ τῶν ὀμμάτων· νῦν γὰρ δὴ λημᾶν οὐ μετρίως δοκῶ. καὶ μὴν οὐδέν σε, ἦ δʼ ὅς, ἐμοῦ δεήσει· τὸ γὰρ ὀξυδερκὲς αὐτὸς ἤδη γῆθεν ἥκεις ἔχων. τί οὖν τοῦτό ἐστιν; οὐ γὰρ οἶδʼ, ἔφην. οὐκ οἶσθα, ἦ δʼ ὅς, ἀετοῦτὴν πτέρυγα τὴν δεξιὰν περικείμενος; καὶ μάλα, ἦν δʼ ἐγώ· τί δʼ οὖν πτέρυγι καὶ ὀφθαλμῷ κοινόν ἐστιν; ὅτι, ἦ δʼ ὅς, παρὰ πολὺ τῶν ἄλλων ζῴων ἀετός ἐστιν ὀξυωπέστατος, ὥστε μόνος ἀντίον δέδορκε τῷ ἡλίῳ, καὶ τοῦτό ἐστιν ὁ γνήσιος καὶ βασιλεὺς ἀετός, ἢν ἀσκαρδαμυκτὶ πρὸς τὰς ἀκτῖνας βλέπῃ. φασὶ ταῦτα, ἦν δʼ ἐγώ, καί μοι ἤδη μεταμέλει ὅτι δεῦρο ἀνιὼν οὐχὶ τὼ ὀφθαλμὼ τοῦ ἀετοῦ ἐνεθέμην τοὺς ἐμοὺς ἐξελών· ὡς νῦν γε ἡμιτελὴς ἀφῖγμαι καὶ οὐ πάντα βασιλικῶς ἐνεσκευασμένος, ἀλλʼ ἔοικα τοῖς νόθοις ἐκείνοις καὶ ἀποκηρύκτοις. καὶ μὴν πάρα σοί, ἦ δʼ ὅς, αὐτίκα μάλα τὸν ἕτερον ὀφθαλμὸν ἔχειν βασιλικόν· ἢν γὰρ ἐθελήσῃς μικρὸν ἀναστὰς ἐπισχὼν τοῦ γυπὸςτὴν πτέρυγα θατέρᾳ μόνῃ πτερύξασθαι, κατὰ λόγον τῆς πτέρυγος τὸν δεξιὸν ὀφθαλμὸν ὀξυδερκὴς ἔσῃ· τὸν δὲ ἕτερον οὐδεμία μηχανὴ μὴ οὐκ ἀμβλύτερον δεδορκέναι τῆς μερίδος ὄντα τῆς χείρονος. ἃλις, ἦν δʼ ἐγώ, εἰ καὶ ὁ δεξιὸς μόνος ἀετῶδες βλέποι· οὐδὲν γὰρ ἂν ἔλαττον γένοιτο, ἐπεὶ καὶ τοὺς τέκτονας πολλάκις ἑωρακέναι μοι δοκῶ θατέρῳ τῶν ὀφθαλμῶν ἄμεινον πρὸς τοὺς κανόνας ἀπευθύνοντας τὰ ξύλα. Ταῦτα εἰπὼν ἐποίουν ἅμα τὰ ὑπὸ τοῦ Ἐμπεδοκλέους παρηγγελμένα· ὁ δὲ κατʼ ὀλίγον ὑπαπιὼν ἐς καπνὸν ἠρέμα διελύετο.
15. Menippus: I had no sooner flapped the wing than a flood of light enveloped me, and things that before I had not even been aware of became perfectly clear. I turned my eyes down earthwards, and with ease discerned cities, men, and all that was going on, not merely in the open, but in the fancied security of houses, There was Ptolemy in his sister’s arms, the son of Lysimachus plotting against his father, Seleucus’s son Antiochus making signs to his step-mother Stratonice, Alexander of Pherae being murdered by his wife, Antigonus corrupting his daughter-inlaw, the son of Attalus putting the poison in his cup; Arsaces was in the act of slaying his mistress, while the eunuch Arbaces drew his sword upon him; the guards were dragging Spatinus the Mede out from the banquet by the foot, with the lump on his brow from the golden cup. Similar sights were to be seen in the palaces of Libya and Scythia and Thrace—adulteries, murders, treasons, robberies, perjuries, suspicions, and monstrous betrayals.
15. Μένιππος: κἀπειδὴ τάχιστα ἐπτερυξάμην, αὐτίκα φῶς με πάμπολυ περιέλαμψε καὶ τὰ τέως λανθάνοντα πάντα διεφαίνετο· κατακύψας γοῦν ἐς τὴν γῆν ἑώρων σαφῶς τὰς πόλεις, τοὺς ἀνθρώπους, τὰ γιγνόμενα, καὶ οὐ τὰ ἐν ὑπαίθρῳ μόνον, ἀλλὰ καὶ ὁπόσα οἴκοι ἔπραττον οἰόμενοι λανθάνειν, Πτολεμαῖον μὲν συνόντα τῇ ἀδελφῇ, Λυσιμάχῳ δὲ τὸν υἱὸν ἐπιβουλεύοντα, τὸν Σελεύκου δὲ Ἀντίοχον Στρατονίκῃ διανεύοντα λάθρα τῇ μητρυιᾷ, τὸν δὲ Θετταλὸν Ἀλέξανδρον ὑπὸ τῆς γυναικὸς ἀναιρούμενον καὶ Ἀντίγονον μοιχεύοντα τοῦ υἱοῦ τὴν γυναῖκα καὶ Ἀττάλῳ τὸν υἱὸν ἐγχέοντα τὸ φάρμακον, ἑτέρωθι δʼ αὖ Ἀρσάκην φονεύοντα τὸ γύναιον καὶ τὸν εὐνοῦχον Ἀρβάκην ἕλκοντα τὸ ξίφος ἐπὶ τὸν Ἀρσάκην, Σπατῖνος δὲ ὁ Μῆδος ἐκ τοῦ συμποσίου πρὸς τῶν δορυφορούντων εἵλκετο ἔξω τοῦ ποδὸς σκύφῳ χρυσῷ τὴν ὀφρὺν κατηλοημένος. ὅμοια δὲ τούτοις ἔν τε Λιβύῃ καὶ παρὰ Σκύθαις καὶ Θρᾳξὶ γινόμενα ἐν τοῖς βασιλείοις ἦν ὁρᾶν, μοιχεύοντας, φονεύοντας, ἐπιβουλεύοντας, ἁρπάζοντας, ἐπιορκοῦντας, δεδιότας, ὑπὸ τῶν οἰκειοτάτων προδιδομένους.
16. Menippus: Such was the entertainment afforded me by royalty; private life was much more amusing; for I could make that out too. I saw Hermodorus the Epicurean perjuring himself for £40, Agathocles the Stoic suing a pupil for his fees, lawyer Clinias stealing a bowl from the temple of Asclepius, and Herophilus the cynic sleeping in a brothel. Not to mention the multitude of burglars, litigants, usurers, duns; oh, it was a fine representative show!
16. Μένιππος: καὶ τὰ μὲν τῶν βασιλέων τοιαύτην παρέσχε μοι τὴν διατριβήν, τὰ δὲ τῶν ἰδιωτῶν πολὺ γελοιότερα· καὶ γὰρ αὖ κἀκείνους ἑώρων, Ἑρμόδωρον μὲν τὸν Ἐπικούρειον χιλίων ἕνεκα δραχμῶν ἐπιορκοῦντα, τὸν Στωϊκὸν δὲ Ἀγαθοκλέα περὶ μισθοῦ τῷ μαθητῇ δικαζόμενον, Κλεινίαν δὲ τὸν ῥήτορα ἐκ τοῦ Ἀσκληπιείου φιάλην ὑφαιρούμενον, τὸν δὲ Κυνικὸν Ἡρόφιλον ἐν τῷ χαμαιτυπείῳ καθεύδοντα. τί γὰρ ἂν τοὺς ἄλλους λέγοιμι, τοὺς τοιχωρυχοῦντας, τοὺς δεκαζομένους, τοὺς δανείζοντας, τοὺς ἐπαιτοῦντας; ὅλως γὰρ ποικίλη καὶ παντοδαπή τις ἦν ἡ θέα.
Friend: I must say, Menippus, I should have liked the details here too; it all seems to have been very much to your taste.
Ἕταιρος: καὶ μὴν καὶ ταῦτα, ὦ Μένιππε, καλῶς εἶχε λέγειν· ἔοικε γὰρ οὐ τὴν τυχοῦσαν τερπωλήν σοι παρεσχῆσθαι.
Menippus: I could not go through the whole of it, even to please you; to take it in with the eyes kept one busy. But the main divisions were very much what Homer gives from the shield of Achilles: here junketings and marriages, there courts and councils, in another compartment a sacrifice, and hard by a mourning. If I glanced at Getica, I would see the Getae at war; at Scythia, there were the Scythians wandering about on their waggons; half a turn in another direction gave me Egyptians at the plough, or Phoenicians chaffering, Cilician pirates, Spartan flagellants, Athenians at law.
Μένιππος: πάντα μὲν ἑξῆς διελθεῖν, ὦ φιλότης, ἀδύνατον, ὅπου γε καὶ ὁρᾶν αὐτὰ ἔργον ἦν· τὰ μέντοι κεφάλαια τῶν πραγμάτων τοιαῦτα ἐφαίνετο οἷά φησιν Ὅμηρος τὰ ἐπὶ τῆς ἀσπίδος· οὗ μὲν γὰρ ἦσαν εἰλαπίναι καὶ γάμοι, ἑτέρωθι δὲ δικαστήρια καὶ ἐκκλησίαι, καθʼ ἕτερον δὲ μέρος ἔθυέ τις, ἐν γειτόνων δὲ πενθῶν ἄλλος ἐφαίνετο· καὶ ὅτε μὲν ἐς τὴν Γετικὴν ἀποβλέψαιμι, πολεμοῦντας ἂν ἑώρων τοὺς Γέτας· ὅτε δὲ μεταβαίην ἐπὶ τοὺς Σκύθας, πλανωμένους ἐπὶ τῶν ἁμαξῶν ἦν ἰδεῖν· μικρὸν δὲ ἐγκλίνας τὸν ὀφθαλμὸν ἐπὶ θάτερα τοὺς Αἰγυπτίους γεωργοῦντας ἐπέβλεπον, καὶ ὁ Φοῖνιξ ἐνεπορεύετο καὶ ὁ Κίλιξ ἐλῄστευεν καὶ ὁ Λάκων ἐμαστιγοῦτο καὶ ὁ Ἀθηναῖος ἐδικάζετο.