1. LYCINUS Lexiphanes, the glass of fashion, with a book? LEXIPHANES Yes, Lycinus;’tis one of my own productions of this very season, quite recent. LYCINUS Why, are you now writing us something indecent?LEXIPHANES No, forsooth, and I did not say indecent. Come, it is full time you learned to apply that word of mine to things newly indited. It would seem that your ears are stopped with wax. LYCINUS Excuse me, my friend. Between indecent and recent there is a great dealin common. But tell me, what is the theme of your work? LEXIPHANES I am counter-banqueting the son of Aristo in it.LYCINUS There are many “Aristos,” but to judge from your “banquet’ I suppose you mean Plato. LEXIPHANES You rede me right, but what I said would have been caviare to the general. LYCINUS Well then, you must read me a few passages from the book, so that I shan’t miss the feast entirely, I dare say you will properly “wine us with nectar” out of it.LEXIPHANES Suppress Master Irony, then, and make your ears permeable before you give them to me. Avaunt with the obturations of Dame Cypselis!LYCINUS Say your say confidently, for no Cypselus nor any Periander has taken up lodgings in my ears. LEXIPHANES Consider withal how I carry myself in the book —whether it has a good entrance, a rich display of good discourse and composure, and good store of egregious words.LYCINUS It is sure to have that, being yours. But do begin now.
1. Λυκῖνος: Λεξιφάνης ὁ καλὸς μετὰ βιβλίου; Λεξιφάνης: νὴ Δίʼ, ὦ Λυκῖνε, γράμμα ἐστὶν τητινόν τι τῶν ἐμῶν κομιδῇ νεοχμόν. Λυκῖνος: ἤδη γάρ τι καὶ περὶ αὐχμῶν ἡμῖν γράφεις; Λεξιφάνης: οὐ δῆτα, οὐδὲ αὐχμὸν εἶπον, ἀλλὰ ὥρα σοι τὸ ἀρτιγραφὲς οὕτω καλεῖν. σὺ δὲ κυψελόβυστα ἔοικας ἔχειν τὰ ὦτα. Λυκῖνος: σύγγνωθι, ὦ ἑταῖρε· πολὺ γὰρ τοῦ αὐχμοῦ τὸ νεοχμὸν μετέχει. ἀλλʼ εἰπέ μοι, τίς ὁ νοῦς τῷ συγγράμματι; Λεξιφάνης: ἀντισυμποσιάζω τῷ Ἀρίστωνος ἐν αὐτῷ. Λυκῖνος: πολλοὶ μὲν οἱ Ἀρίστωνες· σὺ δὲ ὅσον ἀπὸ τοῦ συμποσίου τὸν Πλάτωνά μοι ἔδοξας λέγειν. Λεξιφάνης: ὀρθῶς ἀνέγνως. τὸ δὲ λεγόμενον ὡς ἄλλῳ παντὶ ἀνόητον ἂν ἦν. Λυκῖνος: οὐκοῦν ὀλίγα μοι αὐτοῦ ἀνάγνωθι τοῦ βιβλίου, ὅπως μὴ παντάπασιν ἀπολειποίμην τῆς ἑστιάσεως· νέκταρος γάρ τινος ἔοικας οἰνοχοήσειν ἡμῖν ἀπʼ αὐτοῦ. Λεξιφάνης: τὸν μὲν εἴρωνα πεδοῖ κατάβαλε· σὺ δὲ εὔπορα ποιήσας τὰ ὦτα ἤδη ἄκουε. ἀπέστω δὲ ἡ ἐπιβύστρα ἡ Κυψελίς. Λυκῖνος: λέγε θαρρῶν, ὡς ἔμοιγε οὔτε Κύψελός τις οὔτε Περίανδρος ἐν τοῖς ὠσὶν κάθηται. Λεξιφάνης: σκόπει δὴ μεταξύ, ὅπως διαπεραίνομαι, ὦ Λυκῖνε, τὸν λόγον, εἰ εὔαρχός τέ ἐστι καὶ πολλὴν τὴν εὐλογίαν ἐπιδεικνύμενος καὶ εὔλεξις, ἔτι δὲ εὐώνυμος. Λυκῖνος: ἔοικε τοιοῦτος εἶναι σός γε ὤν. ἀλλʼ ἄρξαι ποτέ.
2. LEXIPHANES (reads) “Then we shall dine,” quoth Callicles, “and then, at eventide, fetch a turn in the Lyceum; but now it is high season to endue ourselves with sunburn and tepify ourselves in the calid ambient, and after laving, to break bread. We must away forthwith. My lad, convoy me my strigil, scrip, diapers, and purgaments to the bath-house, and fetch the wherewithal.’Tis on the floor, mark you, alongside the coffer, a brace of obols. And you, Lexiphanes, whatever shall you do? Shall you come, or tarry yet a while hereabouts?” “I too,” said I, “am yearning to ablute these ages past, for I am ill-conditioned, susceptible behind from riding pillion on a mule. The muleteer kept me going, though he himself was jigging it hot-foot. But even in the country I was not unassiduous, for I found the yokels caroling the harvest-home; some of them, too, were preparing a grave for my father. After I had assisted them in the engraving and for a brief space shared the handiwork of the dikers, I dispersed them on account of the cold and because they were getting burned (in severe cold, you know, burning ensues). For myself, I got about the simples, found prickmadam growing among them, exhumed sundry radishes, garnered chervils and potherbs, and bought groats. But the meads were not yet redolent enough for travelling by shank’s mare; so I mounted the pillion and had my rump excoriated. Now I walk excruciatingly, I perspire amain, my flesh is very weak, and I want to play about in the water no end. I delight in the prospect of dissolution after toil.
2. Λεξιφάνης: εἶτα δειπνήσομεν, ἦ δ’ ὃς ὁ Καλλικλῆς, εἶτα τὸ δειλινὸν περιδινησόμεθα ἐν Λυκείῳ, νῦν δὲ ἤδη καιρός ἐστιν χρίεσθαι τὸ ἡλιοκαὲς καὶ πρὸς τὴν εἵλην θέρεσθαι καὶ λουσαμένους ἀρτοσιτεῖν· καὶ ἤδη γε ἀπιτητέα. σὺ δέ, ὦ παῖ, στλεγγίδα μοι καὶ βύρσαν καὶ φωσώνια καὶ ῥύμματα ναυστολεῖν ἐς τὸ βαλανεῖον καὶ τοὐπίλουτρον κομίζειν· ἔχεις δὲ χαμᾶζε παρὰ τὴν ἐγγυοθήκην δύʼ ὀβολώ. σὺ δὲ τί καὶ πράξεις, ὦ Λεξίφανες, ἥξεις ἢ ἐλινύσεις ἔτι αὐτόθι; κἀγώ, ἦν δὲ ἐγώ, τρίπαλαι λουτιῶ· οὐκ εὐπόρως τε γὰρ ἔχω καὶ τὰ ἀμφὶ τὴν τράμιν μαλακίζομαι ἐπʼ ἀστράβης ὀχηθείς. ὁ γὰρ ἀστραβηλάτης ἐπέσπερχεν καίτοι ἀσκωλιάζων αὐτός. ἀλλὰ καὶ ἐν αὐτῷ οὐκ ἀκμὴς ἦν τῷ ἀγρῷ· κατέλαβον γὰρ τοὺς ἐργάτας λιγυρίζοντας τὴν θερινὴν ᾠδήν, τοὺς δὲ τάφον τῷ ἐμῷ πατρὶ κατασκευάζοντας. συντυμβωρυχήσας οὖν αὐτοῖς καὶ τοῖς ἀναχοῦσιν τὰ ἄνδηρα καὶ αὐτὸς ὀλίγα συγχειροπονήσας ἐκείνους μὲν διαφῆκα τοῦ τε κρύους ἕνεκα καὶ ὅτι καύματα ἦν· οἶσθα δὲ ὡς ἐν κρύει σφοδρῷ γίνεται τὰ καύματα. ἐγὼ δὲ περιελθὼν τὰ ἀρώματα σκόροδά τε εὗρον ἐν αὐτοῖς πεφυκότα καὶ γηπαττάλους τινὰς ἀνορύξας καὶ τῶν σκανδίκων καὶ βρακάνων λαχανευσάμενος, ἔτι δὲ κάχρυς πριάμενος — οὔπω δὲ οἱ λειμῶνες ἀνθοσμίαι ἦσαν, ὡς αὐτοποδητὶ βαδίζειν — ἀνατεθεὶς ἐπὶ τὴν ἀστράβην ἐδάρην τὸν ὄρρον· καὶ νῦν βαδίζω τε ὀδυνηρῶς καὶ ἰδίω θαμὰ καὶ μαλακιῶ τὸ σῶμα καὶ δέομαι διανεῦσαι ἐν τῷ ὕδατι ἐπὶ πλεῖστον· χαίρω δὲ μετὰ κάματον ἀπολούμενος.
3. Therefore I shall betake myself incontinently to my urchin, who belike attends me at the pease-porridge woman’s or the frippery, although he was forewarned to turn up at the comfit-shop. “In the nick of time, however, here he is himself, and I see he has chaffered beestings-pudden, ashcake, chibbals, hakot, nape of beef—mark you!— dewlap, manyplies, and lamb’s fries. Good, Atticion! You have made most of my journey invious.” “For my part,” quoth he, “I have got squinny, master, keeping an eye out for you. Where were you dining yesterday? With Onomacritus, prithee?” “Nay, gadzooks,” quoth I: “I made off to the countryside, helter-skelter. You know how I adore rusticating. The rest of you no doubt supposed that I was playing toss-pot. But go you in and relish all of this; also cleanse the kneading-trough, that you may work us up some lettuce-loaf.
3. Λεξιφάνης: ἀποθρέξομαι οὖν καὶ αὐτὸς ὡς τὸν παῖδα, ὃν εἰκὸς ἢ παρὰ τῇ λεκιθοπώλιδι ἢ παρὰ τῷ γρυμαιοπώλῃ με περιμένειν· καίτοι προηγόρευτο αὐτῷ ἐπὶ τὰ γέλγη ἀπαντᾶν. ἀλλʼ εἰς καιρὸν οὑτοσὶ αὐτὸς ἐμπολήσας γε, ὡς ὁρῶ, πυριάτην τέ τινα καὶ ἐγκρυφίας καὶ γήτεια καὶ φύκας καὶ οἶβον τουτονὶ καὶ λωγάνιον καὶ τοῦ βοὸς τὸ πολύπτυχον ἔγκατον καὶ φώκτας. εὖ γε, ὦ Ἀττικίων, ὅτι μοι ἄβατον ἐποίησας τὸ πολὺ τῆς ὁδοῦ. ἐγὼ δέ, ἦ δʼ ὅς, σίλλος, ὦ δέσποτα, γεγένημαι σὲ περιορῶν. σὺ δὲ ποῦ χθὲς ἐδείπνεις; μῶν παρὰ Ὀνομακρίτῳ; οὔ, μὰ Δίʼ. ἦν δʼ ἐγώ, ἀλλʼ ἀγρόνδε ᾠχόμην ψύττα κατατείνας· οἶσθα δὲ ὡς φίλαγρός εἰμι. ὑμεῖς δὲ ἴσως ᾤεσθέ με λαταγεῖν κοττάβους. ἀλλʼ εἰσιὼν ταῦτά τε καὶ τὰ ἄλλα ἡδύνειν καὶ τὴν κάρδοπον σμῆν, ὡς θριδακίνας μάττοιτε ἡμῖν.
4. I myself shall be off and bestow upon myself an inunction sans immersion.” “We,” quoth Philinos, “I and Onomarchus and Hellanicus here, shall have after you, for the style shadows the middle of the bowl, and it is to be feared that we may lave in the leavings of the bargashes, along with the scum, in a jostle.”” Then said Hellanicus: “I look askew, for my dollies are obfuscate, I nictitate full oft, and I am lachrymose; mine eyes want drugging, I require some scion of Aesculapius, sage in ophthalmotherapy, who will compound and decant a specific for me, and so effect that my ruddy optics may be decoloured and no longer be rheumatic or have a humorous cast.”
4. Λεξιφάνης: ἐγὼ δὲ ξηραλοιφήσω ἀπελθών. καὶ ἡμεῖς, ἦ δʼ ὃς ὁ Φιλῖνος, ἐγώ τε καὶ Ὀνόμαρχος καὶ Ἑλλάνικος οὑτοσὶ ἑψόμεθα· καὶ γὰρ ὁ γνώμων σκιάζει μέσην τὴν πόλον, καὶ δέος μὴ ἐν λουτρίῳ ἀπολουσώμεθα κατόπιν τῶν Καριμάντων μετὰ τοῦ σύρφακος βύζην ὠστιζόμενοι. καὶ ὁ Ἑλλάνικος ἔφη, ἐγὼ δὲ καὶ δυσωπῶ· καὶ γὰρ τὰ κόρα μοι ἐπιτεθόλωσθον καὶ σκαρδαμύττω θαμὰ καὶ ἀρτίδακρύς εἰμι καὶ τὰ ὄμματά μοι φαρμακᾷ καὶ δέομαι Ἀσκληπιάδου τινὸς ὀφθαλμοσόφου, ὃς ταράξας καὶ ἐγχέας μοι φάρμακον ἀπερυθριᾶσαί τε ποιήσει τοὺς ὀφθαλμοὺς καὶ μηκέτι τι λημαλέους εἶναι μηδὲ διερὸν βλέπειν.
5. Discoursing in this wise, all those of us present were gone. When we came to the gymnasium, we despoiled ourselves. One exercised himself at wrestling with shoulder-holds, another with neckholds, standing; one sleeked himself with unguent and essayed eluding grasps; one countered the wind-bag, one, grasping leaden sows, whipped his arms about. Then, once we were dressed down and had backed each other, and used the gymnasium for our sport, Philinus and I imbathed ourselves in the hot pool and emerged, while the rest, beducking their sconces in the cold plunge, swam about subaquaneous in wondrous guise. Upon reversion, we imbusied ourselves with this, that or t’other. I myself indued my boots, dressed my scalp with a tined card, for I had got shorn with the “bowl” cut, not the “bush”; for not long ago my chaps and crown had been displumed. Someone else was gobbling lupines, another was evomiting his jejunity, another was. diminishing radishes and sopping up a mess of fishy pottage, another was eating flummery, and yet another engorging barley brose.
5. Λεξιφάνης: τοιαῦτα ἄττα διεξιόντες ἅπαντες οἱ παρόντες ἀπῄειμεν· κἀπειδήπερ ἥκομεν εἰς τὸ γυμνάσιον ἀπησθημένοι ἤδη, ὁ μέν τις ἀκροχειριασμῷ, ὁ δὲ τραχηλισμῷ καὶ ὀρθοπάλῃ ἐχρῆτο, ὁ δὲ λίπα χρισάμενος ἐλυγίζετο, ὁ δὲ ἀντέβαλλε τῷ κωρύκῳ, ὁ δὲ μολυβδαίνας χερμαδίους δράγδην ἔχων ἐχειροβόλει. εἶτα συντριβέντες καὶ ἀλλήλους κατανωτισάμενοι καὶ ἐμπαίξαντες τῷ γυμνασίῳ ἐγὼ μὲν καὶ Φιλῖνος ἐν τῇ θερμῇ πυέλῳ καταιονηθέντες ἐξῄειμεν· οἱ λοιποὶ δὲ τὸ ψυχροβαφὲς κάρα δελφινίσαντες παρένεον ὑποβρύχιοι θαυμασίως. ἀναστρέψαντες δὲ αὖθις ἄλλος ἄλλοσε ἄλλα ἐδρῶμεν. ἐγὼ μὲν ὑποδησάμενος ἐξυόμην τὴν κεφαλὴν τῇ ὀδοντωτῇ ξύστρᾳ· καὶ γὰρ οὐ κηπίον, ἀλλὰ σκάφιον ἐκεκάρμην, ὡς ἂν οὐ πρὸ πολλοῦ τὸν κόννον καὶ τὴν κορυφαίαν ἀποκεκομηκώς· ἄλλος ἐθερμοτράγει, ὁ δὲ ἤμει τὸν νῆστιν, ὁ δὲ ἀραιὰς ποιῶν τὰς ῥαφανῖδας ἐμυστιλᾶτο τοῦ ἰχθυηροῦ ζωμοῦ, ἄλλος ἤσθιεν φαυλίας, ὁ δὲ ἐρρόφει τῶν κριθῶν.
6. When the time was ripe, we dined on our elbows. Both faldstools and truckles were at hand. The dinner was picked up; many different viands had been made ready, pig’s trotters, spareribs, tripe, the caul of a sow that had littered, panned pluck, spoonmeat of cheese and honey, shallot-pickle and other such condiments, crumpets, stuffed fig-leaves, sweets. Of submarine victuals, too, there were many sorts of selacian, all the ostraceans, cuts of Pontic tunny in hanapers, Copaic lassies, vernacular fowl, muted chanticleers, and an odd fish—the parasite. Yes, and we had a whole sheep barbecued, and the hind-quarter of an edentulous ox. Besides, there was bread from Siphae, not bad, and novilunar buns, too late for the fair, as well as vegetables, both underground and over grown. And there was wine, not vetust, but out of a leathern bottle, dry by now but still crude.
6. Λεξιφάνης: κἀπειδὴ καιρὸς ἦν, ἐπʼ ἀγκῶνος ἐδειπνοῦμεν· ἔκειντο δὲ καὶ ὀκλαδίαι καὶ ἀσκάνται. τὸ μὲν δὴ δεῖπνον ἦν ἀπὸ συμφορῶν. παρεσκεύαστο δὲ πολλὰ καὶ ποικίλα, δίχηλα ὕεια καὶ σχελίδες καὶ ἠτριαία καὶ τοκάδος ὑὸς τὸ ἐμβρυοδόχον ἔντερον καὶ λοβὸς ἐκ ταγήνου καὶ μυττωτὸς καὶ ἀβυρτάκη καὶ τοιαῦταί τινες καρυκεῖαι καὶ θρυμματίδες καὶ θρῖα καὶ μελιτοῦτται· τῶν δὲ ὑποβρυχίων τὰ σελάχια πολλὰ καὶ ὅσα ὀστράκινα τὸ δέρμα καὶ τεμάχη Ποντικὰ τῶν ἐκ σαργάνης καὶ κωπαΐδες καὶ ὄρνις σύντροφος καὶ ἀλεκτρυὼν ἤδη ἀπῳδὸς καὶ ἰχθὺς ἦν παράσιτος· καὶ οἶν δὲ ὅλον ἰπνοκαῆ εἴχομεν καὶ βοὸς λειπογνώμονος κωλῆν. ἄρτοι μέντοι ἦσαν σιφαῖοι, οὐ φαῦλοι, καὶ ἄλλοι νουμήνιοι, ὑπερήμεροι τῆς ἑορτῆς, καὶ λάχανα τά τε ὑπόγεια καὶ τὰ ὑπερφυῆ· οἶνος δὲ ἦν οὐ γέρων, ἀλλὰ τῶν ἀπὸ βύρσης, ἤδη μὲν ἀγλευκής, ἄπεπτος δὲ ἔτι.
7. Drinking-cups of all kinds stood on the dresser, your brow-hider, your Mentor-made dipper with a convenient tail-piece, your gurgler, your longnecker, many “earth-borns” like what Thericles used to bake, vessels both ventricose and patulous, some from Phocaeawards, other some from Cnidos way, all airy trifles, hymen-thin. There were also boats, chalices, and lettered mugs, so that the cupboard was full.
7. Λεξιφάνης: ποτήρια δὲ ἔκειτο παντοῖα ἐπὶ τῆς δελφίδος τραπέζης, ὁ κρυψιμέτωπος καὶ τρυήλης Μεντορουργὴς εὐλαβῆ ἔχων τὴν κέρκον καὶ βομβυλιὸς καὶ δειροκύπελλον καὶ γηγενῆ πολλὰ οἷα Θηρικλῆς ὤπτα, εὐρυχαδῆ τε καὶ ἄλλα εὔστομα, τὰ μὲν Φωκαῆθεν, τὰ δὲ Κνιδόθεν, πάντα μέντοι ἀνεμοφόρητα καὶ ὑμενόστρακα. κυμβία δὲ ἦν καὶ φιαλίδες καὶ ποτήρια γραμματικά, ὥστε μεστὸν ἦν τὸ κυλικεῖον.
8. The calefactor, however, slopped over on our heads and delivered us a consignment of coals. But we drank bottoms up and soon were well fortified. Then we endued ourselves with baccharis, and someone trundled in the girl that treads the mazy and juggles balls; after which, one of us, scrambling up to the coekloft, went looking for something to top off with, whilst another fell to thrumming and another laughingly wriggled his hips.
8. Λεξιφάνης: ὁ μέντοι ἰπνολέβης ὑπερπαφλάζων ἐς κεφαλὴν ἡμῖν ἐπέτρεπε τοὺς ἄνθρακας. ἐπίνομεν δὲ ἀμυστὶ καὶ ἤδη ἀκροθώρακες ἦμεν· εἶτʼ ἐχριόμεθα βακχάριδι καὶ εἰσεκύκλησέ τις ἡμῖν τὴν ποδοκτύπην καὶ τριγωνίστριαν· μετὰ δὲ ὁ μέν τις ἐπὶ τὴν κατήλιφα ἀναρριχησάμενος … ἐπιφόρημα ἐζήτει, ὁ δὲ ληκίνδα ἔπαιζεν, ἄλλος ἐρρικνοῦτο σὺν γέλωτι τὴν ὀσφῦν.
9. Meantime, after lavation, came rollicking in to us, self-invited, Megalonymus the pettifogger, Chaereas the goldworker, he with the back of many colours, and Eudemus the broken-ear.” I asked them what possessed them to come late. Quoth Chaereas: “I was forging trumpery for my daughter, balls and chains, and that is why I have come in on top of your dinner.” “For my part,” quoth Megalonymus, “I was about other matters. The day was incapable of justice, as ye wit, and incompetent for pleading; wherefore, as there was a truce of the tongue, I was unable either to palaver or, as is my diurnal habit, to solicit., Learning that the magistrate was being grilled in public, I took an unvalued cloak, of sheer tissue, and priceless boots, and emitted myself.
9. Λεξιφάνης: καὶ ἐν ταὐτῷ λελουμένοι εἰσεκώμασαν ἡμῖν αὐτεπάγγελτοι Μεγαλώνυμός τε ὁ δικοδίφης καὶ Χαιρέας ὁ χρυσοτέκτων ὁ κατὰ νώτου ποικίλος καὶ ὁ ὠτοκάταξις Εὔδημος. κἀγὼ ἠρόμην αὐτούς, τί παθόντες ὀψὲ ἥκοιεν. ὁ μὲν οὖν Χαιρέας, ἐγώ, ἦ δʼ ὅς, λῆρόν τινα ἐκρότουν καὶ ἐλλόβια καὶ πέδας τῇ θυγατρὶ τῇ ἐμῇ καὶ διὰ τοῦτο ὑμῖν ἐπιδείπνιος ἀφῖγμαι, ἐγὼ δέ, ἦ δʼ ὃς ὁ Μεγαλώνυμος, περὶ ἄλλα εἶχον· ἦν μὲν γὰρ ἄδικος ἡ ἡμέρα, ὡς ἴστε, καὶ ἄλογος· ὡς ἂν οὖν ἐχεγλωττίας οὔσης οὔτε ῥησιμετρεῖν εἶχον οὔτε ἡμερολεγδὸν προσυδρονομεῖσθαι· πυθόμενος δὲ ὅτι ὁ στρατηγὸς ὀπτός ἐστιν, λαβὼν ἄχρηστα ἱμάτια εὐήτρια καὶ ἀφόρητα ὑποδήματα ἐξέφρησα ἐμαυτόν.
10. Forthwith I hit upon the Torch-bearer and the Hierophant, with the other participants in unutterable rites, haling Deinias neck and crop to the office, bringing the charge that he had named them, albeit he knew right well that from the time when they were hallowed they were nameless and thenceforth ineffable, as being now all Hieronymuses.” “I do not know,” said I, “the Deinias that you mention, but the name intrigues me.” “A clove- engulfing haunter of gaming-houses,” quoth he; “one of those bezonians, those joculators, a curlilocks, wearing lace boots or pantoffles, with manches to his shirt.” “Well,’ said I, ‘did he in some wise pay the piper; or did he take himself off after setting his heel upon them?” “Verily,” said he, “that fellow, the whilom swaggerer, is now ensconced; for, notwithstanding his reluctation, the magistrate decked him out with wristlets and a necklace and lodged him in the bilboes and the stocks. Wherefore, being impounded, the sorry wretch fusted for fear, and trumped, and was fain to give weregelt.”
10. Λεξιφάνης: εἶτʼ εὐθὺς ἐντυγχάνω δᾳδούχῳ τε καὶ ἱεροφάντῃ καὶ τοῖς ἄλλοις ἀρρητοποιοῖς Δεινίαν σύρουσιν ἄγδην ἐπὶ τὴν ἀρχήν, ἔγκλημα ἐπάγοντας ὅτι ὠνόμαζεν αὐτούς, καὶ ταῦτα εὖ εἰδὼς ὅτι ἐξ οὗπερ ὡσιώθησαν, ἀνώνυμοί τέ εἰσι καὶ οὐκέτι ὀνομαστοὶ ὡς ἂν ἱερώνυμοι ἤδη γεγενημένοι. οὐκ οἶδα, ἦν δʼ ἐγώ, ὃν λέγεις τὸν Δεινίαν· αἰκάλλει δʼ οὖν με τοὔνομα. ἔστιν, ἦ δʼ ὅς, ἐν τοῖς σκιραφείοις ἐγκαψικήδαλος ἄνθρωπος τῶν αὐτοληκύθων καὶ τῶν αὐτοκαβδάλων, ἀεὶ κουριῶν, ἐνδρομίδας ὑποδούμενος ἢ βαυκίδας, ἀμφιμάσχαλον ἔχων. τί οὖν, ἦν δʼ ἐγώ, ἔδωκεν ἀμηγέπη δίκην ἢ λὰξ πατήσας ᾤχετο; καὶ μὴν ἐκεῖνός γε, ἦ δʼ ὅς, ὁ τέως σαυλούμενος, ἤδη ἔμπεδός ἐστιν· ὁ γὰρ στρατηγὸς καίτοι ἀτιμαγελοῦντι καρπόδεσμά τε αὐτῷ περιθεὶς καὶ περιδέραιον ἐν ποδοκάκαις καὶ ποδοστράβαις ἐποίησεν εἶναι. ὥστε ἔνδεσμος ὢν ὑπέβδυλλέν τε ὁ κακοδαίμων ὑπὸ τοῦ δέους καὶ πορδαλέος ἦν καὶ χρήματα ἀντίψυχα διδόναι ἤθελεν.
11. “I,” quoth Eudemus, “was summoned as it grew crepuscular by Damasias the quondam athlete and champion, now out of the lists for eld—the brazen image, you know, in the square. He was hard at it a-plucking and a-singeing, for he intended to marry off his daughter to-day and was busking her. Then a Termerian misadventure befell that cut short the gala day. Distraught over I know not what, or more likely overtaken by divine detestation, his son Dion hung himself, and, depend upon it, he would have been undone if I had not been there to slip the noose and relieve him of his coil. Squatting on my hunkers beside him for a long time, I jobbed him, titillating and sounding him lest perchance his windpipe still hang together. But what helped most was that I confined his extremes with both hands and applied pressure.”
11. Λεξιφάνης: ἐμὲ δέ, ἦ δʼ ὃς ὁ Εὔδημος, ὑπὸ τὸ ἀκροκνεφὲς μετεστείλατο Δαμασίας ὁ πάλαι μὲν ἀθλητὴς καὶ πολυνίκης, νῦν δὲ ἤδη ὑπὸ γήρως ἔξαθλος ὤν· οἶσθα τὸν χαλκοῦν τὸν ἑστῶτα ἐν τῇ ἀγορᾷ. καὶ τὰ μὲν πιττῶν τὰ δὲ εὕων διετέλεσεν, ἐξοικιεῖν γὰρ ἔμελλε τήμερον εἰς ἀνδρὸς τὴν θυγατέρα καὶ ἤδη ἐκάλλυνεν αὐτήν. εἶτα Τερμέριόν τι κακὸν ἐμπεσὸν διέκοψε τὴν ἑορτήν· ὁ γὰρ υἱὸς αὐτοῦ ὁ Δίων, οὐκ οἶδʼ ἐφʼ ὅτῳ λυπηθείς, μᾶλλον δὲ θεοσεχθρίᾳ σχεθείς, ἀπῆγξεν ἑαυτόν, καὶ εὖ ἴστε, ἀπωλώλει ἄν, εἰ μὴ ἐγὼ ἐπιστὰς ἀπηγχόνισά τε αὐτὸν καὶ παρέλυσα τῆς ἐμβροχῆς, ἐπὶ πολύ τε ὀκλὰξ παρακαθήμενος ἐπένυσσον τὸν ἄνθρωπον, βαυκαλῶν καὶ διακωδωνίζων, μή πῃ ἔτι συνεχὴς εἴη τὴν φάρυγγα. τὸ δὲ μάλιστα ὀνῆσαν ἐκεῖνο ἦν, ὅτι ἀμφοτέραις κατασχὼν αὐτοῦ τὰ ἄκρα διεπίεσα.
12. “Prithee,” quoth I, “dost mean that notable Dion, the slack-pursed libertine, the toothpickchewing aesthete, who strouts and gropes if ever he sees anyone that is well hung? He is a scapegrace and arutter.” “Well,” said Eudemus, “Damasias in amaze invoked the goddess—they have an Artemis in the middle of the hall, a Scopadean masterpiece —and he and his wife, who is now elderly and quite lyart-polled, flung themselves upon her and besought her to pity them. She at once inclined her head, and he was well; so that now they have a Theodore or rather, manifestly an Artemidore in the young man. So they have made offerings of all sorts to her, including bows and arrows, since she takes pleasure in these; for Artemis is a good bowyer, she is a Far-darter, a very Telemachus.”
12. Λεξιφάνης: μῶν ἐκεῖνον, ἦν δʼ ἐγώ, φὴς Δίωνα τὸν καταπύγονα καὶ λακκοσχέαν, τὸν μύρτωνα καὶ σχινοτρώκταν νεανίσκον, ἀναφλῶντα καὶ βλιμάζοντα, ἤν τινα πεώδη καὶ πόσθωνα αἴσθηται; μίνθων ἐκεῖνός γε καὶ λαικαλέος. ἀλλὰ τοί γε τὴν θεόν, ἦ δʼ ὃς ὁ Εὔδημος, θαυμάσας — Ἄρτεμις γάρ ἐστιν αὐτοῖς ἐν μέσῃ τῇ αὐλῇ, Σκοπάδειον ἔργον — ταύτῃ προσπεσόντες ὅ τε Δαμασίας καὶ ἡ γυνὴ αὐτοῦ, πρεσβῦτις ἤδη καὶ τὴν κεφαλὴν πολιὰς ἀκριβῶς, ἱκέτευον ἐλεῆσαι σφᾶς· ἡ δὲ αὐτίκα ἐπένευσεν, καὶ σῶς ἦν, καὶ νῦν Θεόδωρον, μᾶλλον δὲ περιφανῶς Ἀρτεμίδωρον ἔχουσι τὸν νεανίσκον. ἀνέθεσαν οὖν αὐτῇ τά τε ἄλλα καὶ βέλη καὶ τόξα, ὅτι χαίρει τούτοις· τοξότις γὰρ καὶ ἑκηβόλος καὶ τηλέμαχος ἡ Ἄρτεμις.
13. “Let us be drinking, then,” quoth Megalonymus, “for I am come bringing you this senile flagon, green cheese, windfallen olives—I keep them under wormscriven seals —and other olives, soused, and these earthen cups of cockle-shell, stanchly bottomed, for us to drink out of, and a cake of chitterlings braided like a topknot. My lad, pour in more of the water for me, that I may not begin to have a head, and then call your keeper to come for you. You know that I have my pains and keep my head invested.
13. Λεξιφάνης: πίνωμεν οὖν, ἦ δʼ ὃς ὁ Μεγαλώνυμος, καὶ γὰρ καὶ λάγυνον τουτονὶ παρηβηκότος ἥκω ὑμῖν κομίζων καὶ τυροῦ τροφαλίδας καὶ ἐλαίας χαμαιπετεῖς — φυλάττω δʼ αὐτὰς ὑπὸ σφραγῖσιν θριπηδέστοις — καὶ ἄλλας ἐλαίας νευστὰς καὶ πήλινα ταυτὶ ποτήρια, ὀξυόστρακα, εὐπυνδάκωτα, ὡς ἐξ αὐτῶν πίνοιμεν, καὶ πλακοῦντα ἐξ ἐντέρων κρωβυλώδη τὴν πλοκήν. σὺ δʼ, ὦ παῖ, πλέον μοι τοῦ ὕδατος ἔγχει, ὡς μὴ καραιβαρεῖν ἀρξαίμην κᾆτά σοι τὸν παιδοβοσκὸν καλῶ ἐπὶ σέ· ἴστε γὰρ ὡς ὀδυνῶμαι καὶ διέμπιλον ἔχω τὴν κεφαλήν.
14. And now that we have drunk, we shall gossip according to our wont, for in good sooth it is not inopportune to prate when we are in our cups.” “T approve this,” said I, “and why not, for we are the sheer quintessence of Atticism.” ‘Very true,” quoth Callicles, “for quizzing each other incessantly is a whet to loquacity.” “As to me,” said Eudemus, “since it is brumal I had liefer fence myself with stiffer drink. I am starved with cold, and when I am warmed I would fain hear these handiwise folk, the flute-player and the harper.”
14. Λεξιφάνης: μετὰ δὲ τὸν ποτὸν συνυθλήσομεν οἷα καὶ ἅττʼ ἐώθαμεν· οὐ γὰρ ἄκαιρον δήπουθεν ἐν οἴνῳ φλύειν. ἐπαινῶ τοῦτο, ἦν δʼ ἐγώ, καὶ γὰρ ὅτιπερ ὄφελός ἐσμεν τῆς ἀττικίσεως ἄκρον. εὖ λέγεις, ἦ δʼ ὃς ὁ Καλλικλῆς· τὸ γὰρ ἐρεσχηλεῖν ἀλλήλους συχνάκις λάλης θηγάνη γίγνεται. ἐγὼ δέ, ἦ δʼ ὃς ὁ Εὔδημος — κρύος γάρ ἐστιν — ἥδιον ἂν εὐζωροτέρῳ ὑποπυκνάζοιμι· καὶ γὰρ χειμοθνής εἰμι, καὶ χλιανθεὶς ἥδιον ἂν ἀκούοιμι τῶν χειρεσόφων τούτων, τοῦ τε αὐλητοῦ καὶ τῆς βαρβιτῳδοῦ.
15. “What was that you said, Eudemus?” said I. “Do you enjoin alogy upon us as if we were inarticulate and elinguid? My tongue is already pregnant with utterance, and in sooth I set sail in the intent to archaise with you and wash you up with my tongue, one and all. But you have treated me as if a three-masted vessel were sailing before the wind with full kites, running easy and spooming over the billows, and then someone, letting go double-tongued refrainers, pigs of iron, and bowers, were to curb the impetuosity of her course, begrudging her the fair wind.” “Well, then,” quoth he, “you, if you like, may sail and swim and course over the main, but I from off the land, with a drink at my elbow, like Homer’s Zeus, shall look upon you either from a bald cop or the pitch of heaven as you drive and the wind gives your vessel a saucy fairing from astern.”
15. Λεξιφάνης: τί ταῦτα ἔφησθα, ὦ Εὔδημε; ἦν δʼ ἐγώ· ἀλογίαν ἡμῖν ἐπιτάττεις ὡς ἀστόμοις οὖσι καὶ ἀπεγλωττισμένοις; ἐμοὶ δὲ ἡ γλῶττά τε ἤδη λογᾷ καὶ δὴ ἀνηγόμην γε ὡς ἀρχαιολογήσων ὑμῖν καὶ κατανίψων ἀπὸ γλώττης ἅπαντας. ἀλλὰ σὺ τὸ ὅμοιον εἰργάσω με ὥσπερ εἴ τις ὁλκάδα τριάρμενον ἐν οὐρίῳ πλέουσαν, ἐμπεπνευματωμένου τοῦ ἀκατίου, εὐφοροῦσάν τε καὶ ἀκροκυματοῦσαν, ἕκτοράς τινας ἀμφιστόμους καὶ ἰσχάδας σιδηρᾶς ἀφεὶς καὶ ναυσιπέδας ἀναχαιτίζοι τοῦ δρόμου τὸ ῥόθιον, φθόνῳ τῆς εὐηνεμίας. Οὐκοῦν, ἦ δʼ ὅς, σὺ μέν, εἰ βούλει, πλεῖ καὶ νεῖ καὶ θεῖ κατὰ τοῦ κλύδωνος, ἐγὼ δὲ ἀπόγειος πίνων ἅμα ὥσπερ ὁ τοῦ Ὁμήρου Ζεὺς ἢ ἀπὸ φαλάκρων ἢ ἀπὸ τῆς ἀκρουρανίας ὄψομαι διαφερόμενόν σέ τε καὶ τὴν ναῦν πρύμνηθεν ὑπὸ τοῦ ἀνέμου κατουρουμένην.
16. LYCINUS Enough, Lexiphanes, both of the drinking-party and of the reading. I am already half-seas-over and squeamish, and if I do not very soon jettison all this gallimaufry of yours, depend upon it, I expect to go raving crazy with the roaring in my ears from the words with which you have showered me. At first I was inclined to laugh at it all, but when it turned out to be such a quantity and all of a sort, I pitied you for your hard luck, seeing that you had fallen into a labyrinthine maze from which there was no escaping and were afflicted with the most serious of all illnesses—I mean, were as mad as a hatter.
16. Λυκῖνος: ἅλις, ὦ Λεξίφανες, καὶ ποτοῦ καὶ ἀναγνώσεως. ἐγὼ γοῦν ἤδη μεθύω σοι καὶ ναυτιῶ καὶ ἢν μὴ τάχιστα ἐξεμέσω πάντα ταῦτα ὁπόσα διεξελήλυθας, εὖ ἴσθι, κορυβαντιάσειν μοι δοκῶ περιβομβούμενος ὑφʼ ὧν κατεσκέδασάς μου ὀνομάτων. καίτοι τὸ μὲν πρῶτον γελᾶν ἐπῄει μοι ἐπʼ αὐτοῖς, ἐπειδὴ δὲ πολλὰ καὶ πάντα ὅμοια ἦν, ἠλέουν σε τῆς κακοδαιμονίας ὁρῶν εἰς λαβύρινθον ἄφυκτον ἐμπεπτωκότα καὶ νοσοῦντα νόσον τὴν μεγίστην, μᾶλλον δὲ μελαγχολῶντα.
17. I have been quietly wondering from what source you have culled so much pestilential stuff, and how long it took you, and where you locked up and kept such a swarm of outlandish distorted expressions, of which you made some yourself and resurrected others from the graves in which they lay buried somewhere. As the verse puts it,Plague take you, that you garner mortal woes,such a mess of filthy bilge water did you get together and fling over me, when I had done you no harm at all. Youseem to me not only to be destitute of friends and relatives and well-wishers but never to have fallen in with an independent man practising frank- ness, who by telling you the truth might have relieved you, dropsical as you are and in danger of bursting with the disease, although to yourself you appear to be in good point and you consider your calami the pink of condition. You are praised by the fools, to be sure, who do not know what ails you; but the intelligent fittingly pity you.
17. Λυκῖνος: ζητῶ οὖν πρὸς ἐμαυτὸν ὁπόθεν τὰ τοσαῦτα κακὰ συνελέξω καὶ ἐν ὁπόσῳ χρόνῳ καὶ ὅπου κατακλείσας εἶχες τοσοῦτον ἐσμὸν ἀτόπων καὶ διαστρόφων ὀνομάτων, ὧν τὰ μὲν αὐτὸς ἐποίησας, τὰ δὲ κατορωρυγμένα ποθὲν ἀνασπῶν κατὰ τὸ ἰαμβεῖον ὄλοιο θνητῶν ἐκλέγων τὰς συμφοράς· τοσοῦτον βόρβορον συνερανίσας κατήντλησάς μου μηδέν σε δεινὸν εἰργασμένου. δοκεῖς δέ μοι μήτε φίλον τινὰ ἢ οἰκεῖον ἢ εὔνουν ἔχειν μήτε ἀνδρὶ ἐλευθέρῳ πώποτε καὶ παρρησίαν ἄγοντι ἐντετυχηκέναι, ὃς τἀληθὲς εἰπὼν ἔπαυσεν ἄν σε ὑδέρῳ μὲν ἐχόμενον καὶ ὑπὸ τοῦ πάθους διαρραγῆναι κινδυνεύοντα, σαυτῷ δὲ εὔσαρκον εἶναι δοκοῦντα καὶ εὐρωστίαν οἰόμενον τὴν συμφορὰν καὶ ὑπὸ μὲν τῶν ἀνοήτων ἐπαινούμενον ἀγνοούντων ἃ πάσχεις, ὑπὸ δὲ τῶν πεπαιδευμένων εἰκότως ἐλεούμενον.
18. But what luck! here I see Sopolis the physician drawing near. Come now, suppose we put you in his hands, have a consultation with him about your complaint, and find some cure for you. The man is clever, and often before now, taking charge of people like yourself, half crazed and full of drivel, he has relieved them with his doses of medicine. —Good-day to you, Sopolis. Do take charge of Lexiphanes here, who is my friend, as you know, and at present has on him a nonsensical, outlandish distemper affecting his speech which is likely to be the death of him outright. Do save him in one way or another.
18. Λυκῖνος: ἀλλʼ εἰς καλὸν γὰρ τουτονὶ Σώπολιν ὁρῶ τὸν ἰατρὸν προσιόντα, φέρε τούτῳ ἐγχειρίσαντές σε καὶ διαλεχθέντες ὑπὲρ τῆς νόσου ἴασίν τινά σοι εὑρώμεθα· συνετὸς γὰρ ἁνὴρ καὶ πολλοὺς ἤδη παραλαβὼν ὥσπερ σὲ ἡμιμανεῖς καὶ κορυζῶντας ἀπήλλαξεν ἐγχέας φάρμακον. χαῖρε, Σώπολι, καὶ τουτονὶ Λεξιφάνην παραλαβὼν ἑταῖρον, ὡς οἶσθα, ἡμῖν ὄντα, λήρῳ δὲ νῦν καὶ ξένῃ περὶ τὴν φωνὴν νόσῳ ξυνόντα καὶ κινδυνεύοντα ἤδη τελέως ἀπολωλέναι σῶσον ἑνί γέ τῳ τρόπῳ.
19. LEXIPHANES Not me, Sopolis, but this man Lycinus, who is patently maggoty and thinks that well-furnished heads want wits, and imposes silence and a truce of the tongue upon us in the style of the son of Mnesarchus, the Samian. _ But I protest, by bashless Athena and by mighty Heracles, slayer of ferines, I shan’t bother even a flock or a doit about him! In fact I abominate meeting him at all, and I am fit to snort when I hear him pass such censure. Any- how, I am this moment going off to my comrade Cleinias’s because I am informed that for some time now his wife is irregular and out of sorts by reason of wanting issue, so that he no longer even knows her; she is unapproachable and uncultivated.
19. Λεξιφάνης: μὴ ἐμέ, Σώπολι, ἀλλὰ τουτονὶ Λυκῖνον, ὃς περιφανῶς μακκοᾷ καὶ ἄνδρας πεφρενωμένους ὀλισθογνωμονεῖν οἴεται καὶ κατὰ τὸν Μνησάρχου τὸν Σάμιον σιωπὴν καὶ γλωτταργίαν ἡμῖν ἐπιβάλλει. ἀλλὰ μὰ τὴν ἀναίσχυντον Ἀθηνᾶν καὶ τὸν μέγαν θηριομάχον Ἡρακλέα οὐδʼ ὅσον τοῦ γρῦ καὶ τοῦ φνεῖ φροντιοῦμεν αὐτοῦ· ὀττεύομαι γοῦν μηδὲ ὅλως ἐντυγχάνειν αὐτῷ. ἔοικα δὲ καὶ ῥιναυλήσειν τοιαῦτα ἐπιτιμῶντος ἀκούων. καὶ ἤδη γε ἄπειμι παρὰ τὸν ἑταῖρον Κλεινίαν, ὅτι πυνθάνομαι χρόνου ἤδη ἀκάθαρτον εἶναι αὐτῷ τὴν γυναῖκα καὶ ταύτην νοσεῖν, ὅτι μὴ ῥεῖ. ὥστε οὐκέτι οὐδʼ ἀναβαίνει αὐτήν, ἀλλʼ ἄβατος καὶ ἀνήροτός ἐστιν.
20. SOPOLIS What ails him, Lycinus? LYCINUS Just that, Sopolis! Can’t you hear how he talks? Abandoning us, who converse with him now, he talks to us from a thousand years ago, distorting his language, making these preposterous combinations, and taking himself very seriously in the matter, as if it were a great thing for him to use an alien idiom and debase the established currency of speech. SOPOLIS By Zeus, it is no trivial disorder you tell of, Lycinus. The man must be helped by all means. As good luck would have it, I came away with this medicine, made up for an insane person, so that by taking it he might throw off his bile. Come, you be the first to take it, Lexiphanes, that we may have you cured and cleansed, once you have rid yourself of such impossible language. Do obey me and take it, and you will feel better. LEXIPHANES I don’t know what you and Lycinus mean to do to me, Sopolis, plying me with this drench. Indeed, I fear your draught may chill my vocabulary.LYCINUS Drink without delay, that at last you may be human in thought and speech. LEXIPHANES There, I obey and drink. Oh me, what is this? The bombilation is vast! I would seem to have swallowed a familiar spirit.
20. Σώπολις: τί δὲ νοσεῖ, ὦ Λυκῖνε, Λεξιφάνης; Λυκῖνος: αὐτὰ ταῦτα, ὦ Σώπολι. οὐκ ἀκούεις οἷα φθέγγεται; καὶ ἡμᾶς τοὺς νῦν προσομιλοῦντας καταλιπὼν πρὸ χιλίων ἐτῶν ἡμῖν διαλέγεται διαστρέφων τὴν γλῶτταν καὶ ταυτὶ τὰ ἀλλόκοτα συντιθεὶς καὶ σπουδὴν ποιούμενος ἐπʼ αὐτοῖς, ὡς δή τι μέγα ὄν, εἴ τι ξενίζοι καὶ τὸ καθεστηκὸς νόμισμα τῆς φωνῆς παρακόπτοι. Σώπολις: μὰ Δίʼ οὐ μικράν τινα λέγεις τὴν νόσον, ὦ Λυκῖνε. βοηθητέα γοῦν τῷ ἀνδρὶ πάσῃ μηχανῇ καὶ — κατὰ θεὸν γὰρ τῶν χολώντων τινι φάρμακον τουτὶ κερασάμενος ἀπῄειν, ὡς πιὼν ἐμέσειε — φέρε πρῶτος αὐτὸς πῖθι, ὦ Λεξίφανες, ὡς ὑγιὴς ἡμῖν καὶ καθαρὸς γένοιο, τῆς τοιαύτης τῶν λόγων ἀτοπίας κενωθείς. ἀλλὰ πείσθητί μοι καὶ πῖθι καὶ ῥᾴων ἔσῃ. Λεξιφάνης: οὐκ οἶδʼ ὃ καὶ δράσετέ με, ὦ Σώπολι, σύ τε καὶ Λυκῖνος, πιπίσκοντες τουτουὶ τοῦ φαρμάκου. δέδοικα γοῦν μὴ πῶμα γένοιτό μοι τοῦτο τῶν λόγων τὸ πόμα. Λυκῖνος: πῖθι καὶ μὴ μέλλε, ὡς ἀνθρώπινα ἤδη φρονοίης καὶ λέγοις. Λεξιφάνης: ἰδοὺ πείθομαι καὶ πίομαι. φεῦ, τί τοῦτο; πολὺς ὁ βορβορυγμός. ἐγγαστρίμυθόν τινα ἔοικα πεπωκέναι.
21. SOPOLIS Begin now to lighten yourself. Aha! First, this “prithee,” then after it “eftsoons” has come up; then on their heels his “quoth he” and “in some wise,’ and “fair sir,” and “in sooth,’ and his incessant “sundry.” Make an effort, however; put your fingers down your throat. You have not yet given up “instanter” or “pandiculation” or “divagation” or “spoliation.” Many things still lurk in hiding and your inwards are full of them. It would be better if some should take the opposite course, Anyhow, “vilipendency” will make a great racket when it comes tumbling out on the wings of the wind. Well, this man is now purged, unless something has remained behind in his lower intestines. It is for you next, Lycinus, to take him on, mending his education and teaching him what to say.
21. Σώπολις: ἄρξαι δὴ ἐμεῖν. βαβαί. πρῶτον τουτὶ τὸ μῶν, εἶτα μετʼ αὐτὸ ἐξελήλυθεν τὸ κᾆτα, εἶτα ἐπʼ αὐτοῖς τὸ ἦ δʼ ὅς καὶ ἀμηγέπη καὶ λῷστε καὶ δήπουθεν καὶ συνεχὲς τὸ ἄττα. βίασαι δʼ ὅμως, καὶ κάθες εἰς τὴν φάρυγγα τοὺς δακτύλους. οὐδέπω τὸ ἴκταρ ἐμήμεκας οὐδὲ τὸ σκορδινᾶσθαι οὐδὲ τὸ τευτάζεσθαι οὐδὲ τὸ σκύλλεσθαι. πολλὰ ἔτι ὑποδέδυκε καὶ μεστή σοι αὐτῶν ἡ γαστήρ. ἄμεινον δέ, εἰ καὶ κάτω διαχωρήσειεν ἂν ἔνια· ἡ γοῦν σιληπορδία μέγαν τὸν ψόφον ἐργάσεται συνεκπεσοῦσα μετὰ τοῦ πνεύματος. ἀλλʼ ἤδη μὲν καθαρὸς οὑτοσὶ πλὴν εἴ τι μεμένηκεν ὑπόλοιπον ἐν τοῖς κάτω ἐντέροις. σὺ δὲ τὸ μετὰ τοῦτο παραλαβὼν αὐτόν, ὦ Λυκῖνε, μεταπαίδευε καὶ δίδασκε ἃ χρὴ λέγειν.
22. LYCINUS That I will, Sopolis, since you have cleared the way for me, and the advice which will follow is to your address, Lexiphanes. If you really desire to be genuinely praised for style and to have a great name among the public, avoid and shun all this sort of thing. After beginning with the best poets and reading them under tutors, pass to the orators, and when you have become familiar with their diction, go over in due time to Thucydides and Plato—but only after you have first disciplined yourself thoroughly in attractive comedy and sober tragedy. When you have garnered all that is fairest from these sources, you will be a personality in letters. Before, you had unconsciously become like the images shaped for the market by the modellers of figurines, coloured with red and blue on the surface, but clay on the inside, and very fragile.
22. Λυκῖνος: οὕτω ποιήσομεν, ὦ Σώπολι, ἐπειδήπερ ἡμῖν προωδοποίηται τὰ παρὰ σοῦ· καὶ πρὸς σὲ τὸ λοιπόν, ὦ Λεξίφανες, ἡ συμβουλή. εἴπερ ἄρʼ ἐθέλεις ὡς ἀληθῶς ἐπαινεῖσθαι ἐπὶ λόγοις κἀν τοῖς πλήθεσιν εὐδοκιμεῖν, τὰ μὲν τοιαῦτα πάντα φεῦγε καὶ ἀποτρέπου, ἀρξάμενος δὲ ἀπὸ τῶν ἀρίστων ποιητῶν καὶ ὑπὸ διδασκάλοις αὐτοὺς ἀναγνοὺς μέτιθι ἐπὶ τοὺς ῥήτορας, καὶ τῇ ἐκείνων φωνῇ συντραφεὶς ἐπὶ τὰ Θουκυδίδου καὶ Πλάτωνος ἐν καιρῷ μέτιθι, πολλὰ καὶ τῇ καλῇ κωμῳδίᾳ καὶ τῇ σεμνῇ τραγῳδίᾳ ἐγγεγυμνασμένος· παρὰ γὰρ τούτων ἅπαντα τὰ κάλλιστα ἀπανθισάμενος ἔσῃ τις ἐν λόγοις· ὡς νῦν γε ἐλελήθεις σαυτὸν τοῖς ὑπὸ τῶν κοροπλάθων εἰς τὴν ἀγορὰν πλαττομένοις ἐοικώς, κεχρωσμένος μὲν τῇ μίλτῳ καὶ τῷ κυανῷ, τὸ δʼ ἔνδοθεν πήλινός τε καὶ εὔθρυπτος ὤν.
23. If you do this, abiding for a time the reproach of illiteracy and feeling no shame to mend your knowledge, you will address the public confidently and will not be laughed at as you are now, or talked about in an uncomplimentary manner by our best people, who dub you “the Greek” and “the Athenian” when you do not deserve to be numbered even among the most intelligible of barbarians. Before all else, however, please remember not to imitate the most worthless productions of the Sophists who lived only a little before our own time, or to go nibbling at that stuff as you do now —tread that sort of thing underfoot and copy the ancient models only. And do not let yourself be enticed by the wind-flowers of speech, but follow the custom of the athletes and habituate yourself to solid nourishment. Above all, sacrifice to the Graces and to Clearness; you are very remote from them at present!
23. Λυκῖνος: ἐὰν ταῦτα ποιῇς, πρὸς ὀλίγον τὸν ἐπὶ τῇ ἀπαιδευσίᾳ ἔλεγχον ὑπομείνας καὶ μὴ αἰδεσθεὶς μεταμανθάνων, θαρρῶν ὁμιλήσεις τοῖς πλήθεσι καὶ οὐ καταγελασθήσῃ ὥσπερ νῦν οὐδὲ διὰ στόματος ἐπὶ τῷ χείρονι τοῖς ἀρίστοις ἔσῃ, Ἕλληνα καὶ Ἀττικὸν ἀποκαλούντων σε τὸν μηδὲ βαρβάρων ἐν τοῖς σαφεστάτοις ἀριθμεῖσθαι ἄξιον. πρὸ πάντων δὲ ἐκεῖνο μέμνησό μοι, μὴ μιμεῖσθαι τῶν ὀλίγον πρὸ ἡμῶν γενομένων σοφιστῶν τὰ φαυλότατα μηδὲ περιεσθίειν ἐκεῖνα ὥσπερ νῦν, ἀλλὰ τὰ μὲν τοιαῦτα καταπατεῖν, ζηλοῦν δὲ τὰ ἀρχαῖα τῶν παραδειγμάτων. μηδέ σε θελγέτωσαν αἱ ἀνεμῶναι τῶν λόγων, ἀλλὰ κατὰ τὸν τῶν ἀθλητῶν νόμον ἡ στερρά σοι τροφὴ συνήθης ἔστω, μάλιστα δὲ Χάρισι καὶ Σαφηνείᾳ θῦε, ὧν πάμπολυ λίαν νῦν ἀπελέλειψο.
24. As for vanity, boastfulness and malice, blustering and bawling, away with them, and with girding at the works of all others and thinking that you yourself will be first if you carp at the achievements of everyone else. Yes, and there is also this fault which you have, not a slight one, but rather the greatest possible: you do not prepare your thoughts in advance of your words and subsequently dress them out in the parts of speech, but if you find anywhere an outlandish expression or make one up yourself and think it pretty, you endeavour to fit the thought to it and think yourself damaged if you cannot stuff it in somewhere, even if it is not essential to what you are saying. For example, the other day, without even knowing what “‘scintilla” meant, you tossed it off when it had no relation at all to the subject, and the vulgar to a man were dazed when its unfamiliarity struck their ears, but the well-informed laughed, not only at you but at your admirers.
24. Λυκῖνος: καὶ ὁ τῦφος δὲ καὶ ἡ μεγαλαυχία καὶ ἡ κακοήθεια καὶ τὸ βρενθύεσθαι καὶ λαρυγγίζειν ἀπέστω, καὶ τὸ διασιλλαίνειν τὰ τῶν ἄλλων καὶ οἴεσθαι ὅτι πρῶτος ἔσῃ αὐτός, ἢν τὰ πάντων συκοφαντῇς. καὶ μὴν κἀκεῖνο οὐ μικρόν, μᾶλλον δὲ τὸ μέγιστον ἁμαρτάνεις, ὅτι οὐ πρότερον τὰς διανοίας τῶν λέξεων προπαρεσκευασμένος ἔπειτα κατακοσμεῖς τοῖς ῥήμασιν καὶ τοῖς ὀνόμασιν, ἀλλὰ ἤν που ῥῆμα ἔκφυλον εὕρῃς ἢ αὐτὸς πλασάμενος οἰηθῇς εἶναι καλόν, τούτῳ ζητεῖς διάνοιαν ἐφαρμόσαι καὶ ζημίαν ἡγῇ, ἂν μὴ παραβύσῃς αὐτό που, κἂν τῷ λεγομένῳ μηδʼ ἀναγκαῖον ᾖ, οἷον πρῴην τὸν θυμάλωπα οὐδὲ εἰδὼς ὅ τι σημαίνει, ἀπέρριψας οὐδὲν ἐοικότα τῷ ὑποκειμένῳ. καὶ οἱ μὲν ἰδιῶται πάντες ἐτεθήπεσαν ὑπὸ τοῦ ξένου πληγέντες τὰ ὦτα, οἱ πεπαιδευμένοι δὲ ἐπʼ ἀμφοτέροις, καὶ σοὶ καὶ τοῖς ἐπαινοῦσιν, ἐγέλων.
25. What is most ridiculous of all is that although you want to be more than Attic and have meticulously shaped your diction after the most antiquated pattern, some (or rather, most) of the expressions which you intermingle with what you say are such that even a boy just beginning school would not fail to know them. For instance, you can’t think how I prayed for the earth to swallow me as I listened to the exhibition you made of yourself when you thought that “shift’? meant a man’s garment also, and used “slatterns” of male servants when who does not know that a shift is a female garment and that only women are called slatterns? And there were other things far more obvious than these, like “‘flopped” and “meeting up” and “setting,” which are not even naturalised in the Attic tongue. We do not praise even poets who compose poems that are all full of rare words, but your compositions, if I might compare prose to verse, would be like the “Altar” of Dosiadas, the “Alexandra” of Lycophron, and whatever else is still more infelicitous in diction than those works. If you imitate the men of whom I have spoken and if you repair your education, you will have planned the best possible course for yourself, but if you unwittingly slip back into your preciosity, I at least have done my part in advising you and you may blame yourself, if indeed you are conscious of deterioration.
25. Λυκῖνος: τὸ δὲ πάντων καταγελαστότατον ἐκεῖνό ἐστιν, ὅτι ὑπεράττικος εἶναι ἀξιῶν καὶ τὴν φωνὴν εἰς τὸ ἀρχαιότατον ἀπηκριβωμένος τοιαῦτα ἔνια, μᾶλλον δὲ τὰ πλεῖστα, ἐγκαταμιγνύεις τοῖς λόγοις ἃ μηδὲ παῖς ἄρτι μανθάνων ἀγνοήσειεν ἄν· οἷον ἐκεῖνα πῶς οἴει κατὰ γῆς δῦναι ηὐχόμην ἀκούων σου ἐπιδεικνυμένου, ὅτε χιτώνιον μὲν καὶ τὸ ἀνδρεῖον ᾤου λέγεσθαι, δουλάρια δὲ καὶ τοὺς ἄρρενας τῶν ἀκολούθων ἀπεκάλεις, ἃ τίς οὐκ οἶδεν ὅτι χιτώνιον μὲν γυναικὸς ἐσθής, δουλάρια δὲ τὰ θήλεα καλοῦσιν; καὶ ἄλλα πολὺ τούτων προφανέστερα, οἷον τὸ ἵπτατο καὶ τὸ ἀπαντώμενος καὶ τὸ καθεσθείς, οὐδὲ μετοικικὰ τῆς Ἀθηναίων φωνῆς. ἡμεῖς οὐδὲ ποιητὰς ἐπαινοῦμεν τοὺς κατάγλωττα γράφοντας ποιήματα. τὰ δὲ σά, ὡς πεζὰ μέτροις παραβάλλειν, καθάπερ ὁ Δωσιάδα Βωμὸς ἂν εἴη καὶ ἡ τοῦ Λυκόφρονος Ἀλεξάνδρα, καὶ εἴ τις ἔτι τούτων τὴν φωνὴν κακοδαιμονέστερος. ἂν ταῦτα ζηλώσῃς καὶ μεταμάθῃς, ἄριστα βεβουλευμένος ὑπὲρ σεαυτοῦ ἔσῃ· ἢν δὲ λάθῃς αὖθις εἰς τὴν λιχνείαν κατολισθών, ἐμοὶ μὲν ἀποπεπλήρωται ἡ παραίνεσις, σὺ δὲ σεαυτὸν αἰτιάσῃ, ἄν γε καὶ ξυνῇς χείρων γενόμενος.