---
title: "The Mistaken Critic · Ψευδολογιστής"
author: "Lucian"
translator: "Austin Morris Harmon"
languages: [grc, en]
shelf: "Classical Greek"
section: 1 of 1
url: https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-the-mistaken-critic/1/
cite: "Lucian, tr. Austin Morris Harmon, The Mistaken Critic · Ψευδολογιστής, section 1. Scriptura (scriptura.si), https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-the-mistaken-critic/1/"
---

# The Mistaken Critic · Ψευδολογιστής

*Lucian, tr. Austin Morris Harmon*

Lucian answers a man who mocked his use of a word.

> Greek: ed. Austin Morris Harmon, from the Perseus Digital Library (canonical-greekLit, tlg0062.tlg049, CC BY-SA 4.0).

> English: Austin Morris Harmon, from the Perseus Digital Library (tlg0062.tlg049.perseus-eng2). Notes are not included.

> Rows follow the references the two texts share (chapters and sections), cut where both reach the end of a sentence.

## 1. Sections 1–32

Source: https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-the-mistaken-critic/1/ · cite a paragraph as https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-the-mistaken-critic/1/#p-N

[¶0] 1. That you did not know the word nefandous is surely clear to everyone. When I had said of you that you were like a nefandous day—for I well remember comparing your character to a day of that kind — how could you, with reference to that word, have made the stricture that I was barbarous in my speech, unless you were wholly unacquainted withit? I shall teach you presently what nefandous means; but I say to you now what Archilochus once said: “You have caught a cicada by the wing.” Have you ever heard of a writer of iambic verses named Archilochus, a Parian by birth, a man absolutely independent and given to frankness, who did not hesitate at all to use insulting language, no matter how much pain he was going to inflict upon those who would be exposed to the gall of his iambics? Well, when he was abused by someone of that type, he said that the man had caught a cicada by the wing, likening himself, Archilochus, to the cicada, which by nature is vociferous, even without any compulsion, but when it is caught by the wing, cries out still more lustily. “Unlucky man,” said he, “what is your idea in provoking against yourself a vociferous poet, in search of motives and themes for his iambics?”

> Greek: 1. ἀλλʼ ὅτι μὲν ἠγνόεις τοὔνομα τὴν ἀποφράδα παντί που δῆλον. πῶς γὰρ ἂν ᾐτιῶ βάρβαρον εἶναί με τὴν φωνὴν ἐπʼ αὐτῷ, εἰπόντα ὑπὲρ σοῦ ὡς ἀποφράδι ὅμοιος εἴης (τὸν γὰρ τρόπον σου νὴ Δία μέμνημαι εἰκάσας τῇ τοιαύτῃ ἡμέρᾳ), εἰ μὴ καὶ παντάπασιν ἀνήκοος ἦσθα τοῦ ὀνόματος; ἐγὼ δὲ τὴν μὲν ἀποφράδα ὅ τι καὶ βούλεται εἶναι διδάξω σε μικρὸν ὕστερον· τὸ δὲ τοῦ Ἀρχιλόχου ἐκεῖνο ἤδη σοι λέγω, ὅτι τέττιγα τοῦ πτεροῦ συνείληφας, εἴπερ τινὰ ποιητὴν ἰάμβων ἀκούεις Ἀρχίλοχον, Πάριον τὸ γένος, ἄνδρα κομιδῇ ἐλεύθερον καὶ παρρησίᾳ συνόντα, μηδὲν ὀκνοῦντα ὀνειδίζειν, εἰ καὶ ὅτι μάλιστα λυπήσειν ἔμελλε τοὺς περιπετεῖς ἐσομένους τῇ χολῇ τῶν ἰάμβων αὐτοῦ. ἐκεῖνος τοίνυν πρός τινος τῶν τοιούτων ἀκούσας κακῶς τέττιγα ἔφη τὸν ἄνδρα εἰληφέναι τοῦ πτεροῦ, εἰκάζων ἑαυτὸν τῷ τέττιγι ὁ Ἀρχίλοχος φύσει μὲν λάλῳ ὄντι καὶ ἄνευ τινὸς ἀνάγκης, ὁπόταν δὲ καὶ τοῦ πτεροῦ ληφθῇ, γεγωνότερον βοῶντι. καὶ σὺ δή, ἔφη, ὦ κακόδαιμον ἄνθρωπε, τί βουλόμενος ποιητὴν λάλον παροξύνεις ἐπὶ σεαυτὸν αἰτίας ζητοῦντα καὶ ὑποθέσεις τοῖς ἰάμβοις;

[¶1] 2. In these same terms I threaten you, not likening myself to Archilochus (how could I? I am far indeed from that!), but aware that you have done in your life hundreds of things which deserve iambics. Even Archilochus himself, I think, would not have been able to cope with them, though he invited both Simonides and Hipponax to take a hand with him in treating just one of your bad traits, so childish in every sort of iniquity have you made Orodocides and Lycambes and Bupalus, their butts, appear. Probably it was one of the gods who brought the smile to your lips on that occasion at my use of the word nefandous, in order that you might become more notorious than a Scythian for being absolutely uneducated and ignorant of these obvious matters of common knowledge, and that you might afford a reasonable excuse for attacking you to an independent man who knows you thoroughly from home and will not refrain from telling—I should say, heralding abroad—all that you do by night and by day even now, in addition to those many incidents of your past.

> Greek: 2. ταῦτά σοι καὶ αὐτὸς ἀπειλῶ, οὐ μὰ τὸν Δία τῷ Ἀρχιλόχῳ εἰκάζων ἐμαυτόν — πόθεν; πολλοῦ γε καὶ δέω — σοὶ δὲ μυρία συνειδὼς ἰάμβων ἄξια βεβιωμένα, πρὸς ἅ μοι δοκεῖ οὐδʼ ἂν ὁ Ἀρχίλοχος αὐτὸς διαρκέσαι, προσπαρακαλέσας καὶ τὸν Σιμωνίδην καὶ τὸν Ἱππώνακτα συμποιεῖν μετʼ αὐτοῦ κἂν ἕν τι τῶν προσόντων σοι κακῶν, οὕτω σύ γε παῖδας ἀπέφηνας ἐν πάσῃ βδελυρίᾳ τὸν Ὀροδοκίδην καὶ τὸν Λυκάμβην καὶ τὸν Βούπαλον, τοὺς ἐκείνων ἰάμβους. καὶ ἔοικε θεῶν τις ἐπὶ χεῖλος ἀγαγεῖν σοι τότε τὸν γέλων ἐπὶ τῇ ἀποφράδι λεχθείσῃ, ὡς αὐτὸς μὲν Σκυθῶν καταφανέστερος γένοιο κομιδῇ ἀπαίδευτος ὢν καὶ τὰ κοινὰ ταῦτα καὶ τὰ ἐν ποσὶν ἀγνοῶν, ἀρχὴν δὲ εὔλογον παράσχοις τῶν κατὰ σοῦ λόγων ἀνδρὶ ἐλευθέρῳ καὶ οἴκοθέν σε ἀκριβῶς εἰδότι καὶ μηδὲν ὑποστελουμένῳ τὸ μὴ οὐχὶ πάντα ἐξειπεῖν, μᾶλλον δὲ κηρῦξαι, ἃ πράττεις νύκτωρ καὶ μεθʼ ἡμέραν ἔτι καὶ νῦν ἐπὶ πολλοῖς τοῖς πρὶν ἐκείνοις.

[¶2] 3. And yet it is idle, no doubt, and superfluous to deal frankly with you by way of education; for in the first place you yourself could never improve in response to my censure, any more than a tumble-bug could be persuaded not to roll those balls of his any longer, when once he has become used to them. In the second place, I do not believe that anyone exists who still is ignorant of your brazen performances and of the sins that you, an old man, have committed against yourself. You are not to that extent secure or unobserved in your iniquity. There is no need of anyone to strip away your lion’s skin that you may be revealed a donkey, unless perhaps someone has just come to us from the Hyperboreans, or is sufficiently Cymaean not to know, as soon as he sees you, that you are the most unbridled of all asses, without waiting to hear you bray. Your doings have been noised abroad so long a time, so far ahead of me, so universally and so repeatedly; and you have no slight reputation for them, surpassing Ariphrades, surpassing the Sybarite Hemitheon, surpassing the notorious Chian, Bastas, that adept in similar matters. Nevertheless, I must speak of them, even if I shall seem to be telling stale news, in order that I may not bear the blame of being the only one who does not know about them. But no!

> Greek: 3. καίτοι μάταιον ἴσως καὶ περιττὸν ἐν παιδείας νόμῳ παρρησιάζεσθαι πρὸς σέ. οὔτε γὰρ ἂν αὐτός ποτε βελτίων γένοιο πρὸς τὴν ἐπιτίμησιν, οὐ μᾶλλον ἢ κάνθαρος μεταπεισθείη ἂν μηκέτι τοιαῦτα κυλινδεῖν, ἅπαξ αὐτοῖς συνήθης γενόμενος, οὔτʼ εἶναι τινα νομίζω τὸν ἀγνοοῦντα ἔτι τὰ ὑπὸ σοῦ τολμώμενα καὶ ἃ γέρων ἄνθρωπος ἐς ἑαυτὸν παρανομεῖς. οὐχ οὕτως ἀσφαλὴς οὐδὲ ἀφανὴς βδελυρὸς εἶ· οὐδὲ δεῖ τινος τοῦ ἀποδύσοντος τὴν λεοντῆν, ὡς φανερὸς γένοιο κανθήλιος ὤν, εἰ μή τις ἄρα ἐξ Ὑπερβορέων ἄρτι ἐς ἡμᾶς ἥκοι ἢ ἐς τοσοῦτο Κυμαῖος εἴη ὡς μὴ ἰδὼν εὐθὺς εἰδέναι ὄνων ἁπάντων ὑβριστότατόν σε ὄντα, μὴ περιμείνας ὀγκωμένου προσέτι ἀκούειν. οὕτω πάλαι καὶ πρὸ ἐμοῦ καὶ παρὰ πᾶσι καὶ πολλάκις κεκήρυκται τὰ σά, καὶ δόξαν οὐ μικρὰν ἔχεις ἐπʼ αὐτοῖς, ὑπὲρ τὸν Ἀριφράδην, ὑπὲρ τὸν Συβαρίτην Ἡμιθέωνα, ὑπὲρ τὸν Χῖον ἐκεῖνον Βάσταν, τὸν ἐπὶ τοῖς ὁμοίοις σοφόν. ῥητέον δὲ ὅμως, εἰ καὶ ἕωλα δόξω λέγειν, ὡς μὴ αἰτίαν ἔχοιμι μόνος αὐτὰ ἀγνοεῖν.

[¶3] 4. We must callin one of Menander’s Prologues, Exposure, a god devoted to Truth and Frankness, by no means the least notable of the characters that appear on the stage, disliked only by you and your sort, who fear his tongue because he knows everything and tells in plain language all that he knows about you. It would indeed be delightful if he should prove willing to oblige us by coming forward and telling the spectators the entire argument of the play. Come then, Exposure, best of prologues and divinities, take care to inform the audience plainly that we have not resorted to this public utterance gratuitously, or in a quarrelsome spirit, or, as the proverb has it, with unwashen feet, but to vindicate a grievance of our own as well as those of the public, hating the man for his depravity. Say only this, and present a clear exposition, and then, giving us your blessing, take yourself off, and leave the rest to us, for we shall copy you and expose the greater part of his career so thoroughly that in point of truth and frankness you can find no fault with us. But do not sing my praises to them, Exposure dear, and do not prematurely pour out the bald truth about these traits of his; for it is not fitting, as you are a god, that the words which describe matters so abominable should come upon your lips.

> Greek: 4. μᾶλλον δὲ παρακλητέος ἡμῖν τῶν Μενάνδρου προλόγων εἷς, ὁ Ἔλεγχος, φίλος Ἀληθείᾳ καὶ Παρρησίᾳ θεός, οὐχ ὁ ἀσημότατος τῶν ἐπὶ τὴν σκηνὴν ἀναβαινόντων, μόνοις ὑμῖν ἐχθρὸς τοῖς δεδιόσι τὴν γλῶτταν αὐτοῦ, πάντα καὶ εἰδότος καὶ σαφῶς διεξιόντος ὁπόσα ὑμῖν σύνοιδεν. χάριεν γοῦν τοῦτο γένοιτʼ ἄν, εἰ ἐθελήσειεν ἡμῖν προεισελθὼν οὗτος διηγήσασθαι τοῖς θεαταῖς σύμπαντα τοῦ δράματος τὸν λόγον. ἄγε τοίνυν, ὦ προλόγων καὶ δαιμόνων ἄριστε Ἔλεγχε, ὅρα ὅπως σαφῶς προδιδάξῃς τοὺς ἀκούοντας ὡς οὐ μάτην οὐδὲ φιλαπεχθημόνως οὐδʼ ἀνίπτοις ποσὶ κατὰ τὴν παροιμίαν ἐπὶ τόνδε τὸν λόγον ἀπηντήκαμεν, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἴδιόν τι ἀμυνόμενοι καὶ τὰ κοινά, μισοῦντες τὸν ἄνθρωπον ἐπὶ τῇ βδελυρίᾳ. ταῦτα μόνα εἰπὼν καὶ σαφῶς προδιηγησάμενος ἵλεως ἄπιθι ἐκποδών, τὰ δὲ ἄλλα ἡμῖν κατάλιπε· μιμησόμεθα γάρ σε καὶ διελέγξομεν τὰ πολλά, ὡς παρρησίας γε καὶ ἀληθείας ἕνεκα μηδὲν ἂν αἰτιάσασθαί σε. μήτε δὲ ἐμὲ πρὸς αὐτοὺς ἐπαινέσῃς, ὦ φίλτατε Ἔλεγχε, μήτε τὰ ἐκείνῳ προσόντα προεκχέῃς αὔτως· οὐ γὰρ ἄξιον θεῷ ὄντι ἐπὶ στόμα σοι ἐλθεῖν τοὺς περὶ τῶν οὕτω καταπτύστων λόγους.

[¶4] 5. “This self-styled sophist” (Prologue is now speaking) “once came to Olympia, purposing to deliver to those who should attend the festival a speech which he had written long before. The subject of his composition was the exclusion of Pythagoras (by one of the Athenians, I suppose) from participation in the Eleusinian mysteries as a barbarian, because Pythagoras himself was in the habit of saying that before being Pythagoras he had once been Euphorbus. In truth, his speech was after the pattern of Aesop’s jackdaw, cobbled up out of motley feathers from others. Wanting, of course, to have it thought that he was not repeating a stale composition but making up offhand what really came from his book, he requested one of his familiars (it was the one from Patras, who has so much business in the courts) to select Pythagoras for him when he asked for subjects to talk about. The man did so, and prevailed upon the audience to hear that speech about Pythagoras.

> Greek: 5. ὁ γὰρ σοφιστὴς οὗτος εἶναι λέγων (ὁ πρόλογος ἤδη φησὶν ταῦτα) ἐς Ὀλυμπίαν ποτὲ ἧκε λόγον τινὰ πρὸ πολλοῦ συγγεγραμμένον ἐπιδειξόμενος τοῖς πανηγυρισταῖς. ἦν δὲ ὑπόθεσις τῷ συγγράμματι ὁ Πυθαγόρας κωλυόμενος ὑπό τινος Ἀθηναίων, οἶμαι, μετέχειν τῆς Ἐλευσῖνι τελετῆς ὡς βάρβαρος, ὅτι ἔλεγεν αὐτὸς ὁ Πυθαγόρας πρὸ τούτου ποτὲ καὶ Εὔφορβος γεγονέναι. ἐτύγχανεν δὲ ὁ λόγος αὐτῷ κατὰ τὸν Αἰσώπου κολοιὸν συμφορητὸς ὢν ἐκ ποικίλων ἀλλοτρίων πτερῶν. βουλόμενος δὴ μὴ ἕωλα δόξαι λέγειν ἀλλʼ αὐτοσχεδιάζειν τὰ ἐκ τοῦ βιβλίου, δεῖται τῶν συνήθων τινός (ἦν δὲ ἐκ Πατρῶν ἐκεῖνος, ἀμφὶ δίκας ἔχων τὰ πολλὰ) ἐπειδὰν αἰτήσῃ τινὰς ὑποθέσεις τοῖς λόγοις, τὸν Πυθαγόραν αὐτῷ προελέσθαι. καὶ οὕτως ἁνὴρ ἐποίησε, καὶ συνέπεισε τὸ θέατρον ἀκούειν τὸν ὑπὲρ τοῦ Πυθαγόρου ἐκεῖνον λόγον.

[¶5] 6. In the sequel, he was very unconvincing in his delivery, glibly reciting (as was natural) what he had thought out long before and learned by heart, no matter how much his shamelessness, standing by him, defended him, lent him ahelping hand, and aided him in the struggle. There was a great deal of laughter from his hearers, some of whom, by looking from time to time at that man from Patras, indicated that they had not failed to detect his part in the improvisation, while others, recognising the expressions themselves, throughout the performance continued to have that as their sole occupation, testing each other to find out how good their memories were at distinguishing which one of those sophists who achieved fame a little before our time for their so-called “exercises” was the author of each expression.

> Greek: 6. ἦν δὲ τὸ ἐπὶ τούτῳ ὁ μὲν πάνυ ἀπίθανος ἐν τῇ ὑποκρίσει, συνείρων οἷον εἰκὸς ἐκ πολλοῦ ἐσκεμμένα καὶ μεμελετημένα, εἰ καὶ ὅτι μάλιστα ἡ ἀναισχυντία … οὖσα ἐπήμυνε καὶ χεῖρα ὤρεγε καὶ συνηγωνίζετο αὐτῷ. γέλως δὲ πολὺς παρὰ τῶν ἀκουόντων· καὶ οἱ μὲν ἐς τὸν Πατρέα ἐκεῖνον μεταξὺ ἀποβλέποντες ὑπεδήλουν ὡς οὐ λέληθε συμπράξας αὐτῷ τὴν ῥᾳδιουργίαν, οἱ δὲ καὶ αὐτὰ γνωρίζοντες τὰ λεγόμενα παρʼ ὅλην τὴν ἀκρόασιν διετέλεσαν ἓν τοῦτο μόνον ἔργον ἔχοντες, ἀλλήλων πειρώμενοι ὅπως μνήμης ἔχουσι πρὸς τὸ διαγιγνώσκειν ὅτου ἕκαστον ἦν τῶν ὀλίγον πρὸ ἡμῶν εὐδοκιμησάντων ἐπὶ ταῖς καλουμέναις μελέταις σοφιστῶν.

[¶6] 7. “Among all these, among those who laughed, was the writer of these words. And why should not he laugh at a piece of cheek so manifest and unconvincing and shameless? So, somehow or other, being one who cannot control his laughter, when the speaker had attuned his voice to song, as he thought, and was intoning a regular dirge over Pythagoras, our author, seeing an ass trying to play the lyre, as the saying goes, burst into a very melodious cachinnation, and the other turned and saw him. That created a state of war between them, and the recent affair sprang from it.

> Greek: 7. ἐν δὲ τούτοις ἅπασι καὶ ὁ τὸν λόγον τόνδε συγγράψας ἦν ἐν τοῖς γελῶσι καὶ αὐτός. τί δʼ οὐκ ἔμελλεν γελᾶν ἐφʼ οὕτω περιφανεῖ καὶ ἀπιθάνῳ καὶ ἀναισχύντῳ τολμήματι; καί πως (ἔστιν δὲ ἀκρατὴς γέλωτος) ὁ μὲν τὴν φωνὴν ἐντρέψας ἐς μέλος, ὡς ᾤετο, θρῆνόν τινα ἐπηύλει τῷ Πυθαγόρᾳ, ὁ δέ, τοῦτο δὴ τὸ τοῦ λόγου, ὄνον κιθαρίζειν πειρώμενον ὁρῶν ἀνεκάγχασε μάλα ἡδύ, ὁ ποιητὴς οὗτος ὁ ἐμός· ὁ δὲ εἶδεν ἐπιστραφείς. τοῦτο ἐξεπολέμωσεν αὐτούς, τό τε ἔναγχος ἐνθένδε.

[¶7] 8. It was the beginning of the year, or rather, the second day after the New Year, the day on which the Romans, by an ancient custom, make prayers in person for the entire yearand holdsacrifices, following ceremonies which King Numaestablished for them; they are convinced that on that day beyond all others the gods give ear to those who pray. Well, on that festival and high holiday, the man who burst out laughing then in Olympia at the suppositious Pythagoras saw this contemptible cheat approaching, this presenter of the speeches of others. It happened that he knew his character, too, and all his wantonness and unclean living, both what he was said to do, and what he had been caught doing. So he said to one of his friends: ‘We must give a wide berth to this ill-met sight, whose appearance is likely to make the most delightful of all days nefandous for us.’ “On hearing that, the sophist at once laughed at the word nefandous as if it were strange and alien to the Greeks, and paid the man back, in his own estimation, at least, for the laughter of that former time, saying to all: ‘Nefandous! What, pray, is that? A fruit, or a herb, or a utensil? Can it be something to eat ordrink? For my part I have never heard the word, and should never be able to guess what it means.’

> Greek: 8. ἦν μὲν ἡ τοῦ ἔτους ἀρχή, μᾶλλον δὲ ἡ ἀπὸ τῆς μεγάλης νουμηνίας τρίτη, ἐν ᾗ οἱ Ῥωμαῖοι κατά τι ἀρχαῖον εὔχονταί τε αὐτοὶ ὑπὲρ ἅπαντος τοῦ ἔτους εὐχάς τινας καὶ θύουσι, Νομᾶ τοῦ βασιλέως καταστησαμένου τὰς ἱερουργίας αὐτοῖς, καὶ πεπιστεύκασιν τοὺς θεοὺς ἐν ἐκείνῃ μάλιστα τῇ ἡμέρᾳ χρηματίζειν τοῖς εὐχομένοις. ἐν τοιαύτῃ τοίνυν ἑορτῇ καὶ ἱερομηνίᾳ ὁ τότε γελάσας ἐν Ὀλυμπίᾳ ἐκεῖνος ἐπὶ τῷ ὑποβολιμαίῳ Πυθαγόρᾳ ἰδὼν προσιόντα τὸν κατάπτυστον καὶ ἀλαζόνα, τὸν τῶν ἀλλοτρίων λόγων ὑποκριτήν (ἐτύγχανε δὲ καὶ τὸν τρόπον ἀκριβῶς εἰδὼς αὐτοῦ καὶ τὴν ἄλλην ἀσέλγειαν καὶ μιαρίαν τοῦ βίου καὶ ἃ ποιεῖν ἐλέγετο καὶ ἃ ποιῶν κατείληπτο) Ὥρα ἡμῖν, ἔφη πρός τινα τῶν ἑταίρων, ἐκτρέπεσθαι τὸ δυσάντητον τοῦτο θέαμα, ὃς φανεὶς ἔοικε τὴν ἡδίστην ἡμέραν ἀποφράδα ἡμῖν ποιήσειν. Τοῦτʼ ἀκούσας ὁ σοφιστὴς τὴν ἀποφράδα ὥς τι ξένον καὶ ἀλλότριον τῶν Ἑλλήνων ὄνομα ἐγέλα εὐθὺς καὶ τὸν ἄνδρα τοῦ πάλαι ἐκείνου γέλωτος ἠμύνετο, ὡς γοῦν ᾤετο, καὶ πρὸς ἅπαντας ἔλεγεν, ἀποφράς, τί δὲ τοῦτό ἐστι; καρπός τις ἢ βοτάνη τις ἢ σκεῦος; ἆρα τῶν ἐσθιομένων ἢ πινομένων τί ἐστιν ἀποφράς; ἐγὼ μὲν οὔτε ἤκουσα πώποτε οὔτʼ ἂν συνείην ποτὲ ὅ τι καὶ λέγει.

[¶8] 9. He thought he was directing these remarks at our friend, and he subjected ‘nefandous’ to a great deal of laughter; but he had unwittingly brought against himself the uttermost proof of his want of education. Under these circumstances he who sent me in to you in advance has written this composition to demonstrate that the renowned sophist does not know expressions common to all the Greeks, which even men in the workshops and the bazaars would know.”

> Greek: 9. ταῦθʼ ὁ μὲν ᾤετο κατὰ τούτου διεξιέναι καὶ πολὺν ἐπῆγε τῇ ἀποφράδι τὸν γέλων· ἐλελήθει δὲ κατʼ αὐτοῦ τὸ ὕστατον τεκμήριον ἀπαιδευσίας ἐκφέρων. ἐπὶ τούτῳ τὸν λόγον τόνδε συνέγραψεν ὁ ἐμὲ προεισπέμψας ὑμῖν, ὡς δείξειε τὸν ἀοίδιμον σοφιστὴν τὰ κοινὰ τῶν Ἑλλήνων ἀγνοοῦντα καὶ ὁπόσα κἂν οἱ ἐπὶ τῶν ἐργαστηρίων καὶ τῶν καπηλείων εἰδεῖεν.

[¶9] 10. Thus far Exposure. In my own turn (for I myself have now taken over the rest of the show), I might fittingly play the part of the Delphic tripod and tell what you did in your own country, what in Palestine, what in Egypt, what in Phoenicia and Syria; then, in due order, in Greece and Italy, and on top of it all, what you are now doing at Ephesus, which is the extremity of your recklessness and the culminating point and crowning glory of your character. Now that, in the words of the proverb, you who live in Troy have paid to see tragedians, it is a fitting occasion for you to hear your own misadventures.

> Greek: 10. ταῦτα μὲν ὁ Ἔλεγχος, ἐγὼ δέ — ἤδη γὰρ αὐτὸς παρείληφα τοῦ δράματος τὰ λοιπά — δίκαιος ἂν εἴην τὰ ἐκ τοῦ Δελφικοῦ τρίποδος ἤδη λέγειν, οἷα μέν σου τὰ ἐν τῇ πατρίδι, οἷα δὲ τὰ ἐν τῇ Παλαιστίνῃ, οἷα δὲ τὰ ἐν Αἰγύπτῳ, οἷα δὲ τὰ ἐν Φοινίκῃ καὶ Συρίᾳ, εἶτα ἑξῆς τὰ ἐν Ἑλλάδι καὶ Ἰταλίᾳ, καὶ ἐπὶ πᾶσι τὰ ἐν Ἐφέσῳ νῦν, ἅπερ κεφαλαιωδέστατα τῆς ἀπονοίας τῆς σῆς καὶ κορυφὴ καὶ κορωνὶς τοῦ τρόπου. ἐπεὶ γὰρ κατὰ τὴν παροιμίαν Ἰλιεὺς ὢν τραγῳδοὺς ἐμισθώσω, καιρὸς ἤδη σοι ἀκούειν τὰ σαυτοῦ κακά.

[¶10] 11. But no! not yet. First about that ‘nefandous.’ Tell me, in the name of Aphrodite Pandemus and the Genetyllides and Cybebe, in what respect did you think the word nefandous objectionable and fit to be laughed at? Oh, because it did not belong to the Greeks, but had somehow thrust its way in among them from their intercourse with Celts or Thracians or Scyths; wherefore you—for you know everything that pertains to the Athenians—excluded it at once and banished it from the Greek world, and your laughter was because I committed a barbarism and used a foreign idiom and went beyond the Attic bounds! “Come now, what else is as well established on Athenian soil as that word?” people would say who are better informed than you about such matters. It would be easier for you to prove Erechtheus and Cecrops foreigners and invaders of Attica, than to show that ‘nefandous ’ is not at home and indigenous in Attica. There are many things which they designate in the same way as everybody else, but they, and they alone, designate as nefandous a day which is vile, abominable, inauspicious, useless, and like you.

> Greek: 11. μᾶλλον δέ, ταῦτα μὲν μηδέπω, περὶ δὲ τῆς ἀποφράδος πρότερον. εἰπὲ γάρ μοι, πρὸς πανδήμου καὶ Γενετυλλίδων καὶ Κυβήβης, πῇ σοι μεμπτὸν καὶ γέλωτος ἄξιον τοὔνομα εἶναι ἔδοξεν ἡ ἀποφράς; νὴ Δίʼ, οὐ γὰρ ἦν τῶν Ἑλλήνων ἴδιον, ἀλλά ποθεν ἐπεισκωμάσαν αὐτοῖς ἀπὸ τῆς πρὸς Κελτοὺς ἢ Θρᾷκας ἢ Σκύθας ἐπιμιξίας, σὺ δὲ — ἅπαντα γὰρ οἶσθα τὰ τῶν Ἀθηναίων — ἐξέκλεισας τοῦτο εὐθὺς καὶ ἐξεκήρυξας τοῦ Ἑλληνικοῦ, καὶ ὁ γέλως ἐπὶ τούτῳ, ὅτι βαρβαρίζω καὶ ξενίζω καὶ ὑπερβαίνω τοὺς ὅρους τοὺς Ἀττικούς. καὶ μὴν τί ἄλλο οὕτως Ἀθηναίοις ἐπιχώριον ὡς τουτὶ τοὔνομα, φαῖεν ἂν οἵ γε σοῦ μᾶλλον τὰ τοιαῦτα εἰδότες· ὥστε θᾶττον ἂν Ἐρεχθέα καὶ τὸν Κέκροπα ξένους ἀποφήναις καὶ ἐπήλυδας τῶν Ἀθηνῶν ἢ τὴν ἀποφράδα δείξειας οὐκ οἰκείαν καὶ αὐτόχθονα τῆς Ἀττικῆς.

[¶11] 12. There now! I have already taught you in passing what they mean by nefandous! When official business is not transacted, introduction of lawsuits is not permissible, sacrifice of victims is not performed, and, in general, nothing is done that requires good omens, that day is nefandous.

> Greek: 12. πολλὰ μὲν γάρ ἐστιν ἃ καὶ αὐτοὶ κατὰ ταὐτὰ τοῖς πᾶσιν ἀνθρώποις ὀνομάζουσιν, ἀποφράδα δὲ μόνοι ἐκεῖνοι τὴν μιαρὰν καὶ ἀπευκτὴν καὶ ἀπαίσιον καὶ ἄπρακτον καὶ σοὶ ὁμοίαν ἡμέραν. ἰδού, καὶ μεμάθηκας ἤδη ὁδοῦ πάρεργον τί βούλεται αὐτοῖς ἡ ἀποφρὰς ἡμέρα. Ὅταν μήτε αἱ ἀρχαὶ χρηματίζωσι μήτε εἰσαγώγιμοι αἱ δίκαι ὦσι μήτε τὰ ἱερὰ ἱερουργῆται μήθʼ ὅλως τι τῶν αἰσίων τελῆται, αὕτη ἀποφρὰς ἡμέρα.

[¶12] 13. The custom was introduced among different peoples in different ways; either they were defeated in great battles and subsequently established that those days on which they had undergone such misfortunes should be useless and invalid for their customary transactions, or, indeed—but it is inopportune, perhaps, and by now unseasonable to try to alter an old man’s education and reinstruct him in such matters when he does not know even what precedes them. It can hardly be that this is all that remains, and that if you learn it, we shall have you fully informed! Nonsense, man! Not to know those other expressions which are off the beaten path and obscure to ordinary folk is pardonable; but even if you wished, you could not say nefandous in any other way, for that is everyone’s sole and only word for it.

> Greek: 13. ἐνομίσθη δὲ τοῦτο ἄλλοις ἐπʼ ἄλλαις αἰτίαις· ἢ γὰρ ἡττηθέντες μάχαις μεγάλαις ἔπειτα ἔταξαν ἐκείνας τὰς ἡμέρας ἐν αἷς τὰ τοιαῦτα ἐπεπόνθεισαν ἀπράκτους καὶ ἀκύρους τῶν ἐννόμων πράξεων εἶναι, ἢ καὶ νὴ Δία — καίτοι ἄκαιρον ἴσως καὶ ἔξωρόν γε ἤδη, γέροντα ἄνδρα μεταπαιδεύειν καὶ ἀναδιδάσκειν τὰ τοιαῦτα, μηδὲ τὰ πρὸ τούτων εἰδότα. πάνυ γοῦν τοῦτʼ ἔστι τὸ λοιπόν, κἂν ἐκμάθῃς αὐτό, πᾶν ἡμῖν εἰδὼς ἔσῃ. πόθεν, ὦ οὗτος; τὰ μὲν γὰρ ἄλλα καὶ ἀγνοῆσαι συγγνώμη ὁπόσα ἔξω τοῦ πολλοῦ πάτου καὶ ἄδηλα τοῖς ἰδιώταις, τὴν ἀποφράδα δὲ οὐδὲ βουληθεὶς ἂν ἄλλως εἴποις· ἓν γὰρ τοῦτο καὶ μόνον ἁπάντων τοὔνομα.

[¶13] 14. “Well and good,” someone will say, “but even in the case of time-honoured words, only some of them are to be employed, and not others, which are unfamiliar to the public, that we may not disturb the wits and wound the ears of our hearers.” My dear sir, perhaps as far as you are concerned I was wrong to say that to you about yourself; yes, yes, I should have followed the folk-ways of the Paphlagonians or the Cappadocians or the Bactrians in conversing with you, that you might fully understand what was being said and it might be pleasing to your ears. But Greeks, I take it, should be addressed in the Greek tongue. Moreover, although even the Athenians in course of time have made many changes in their speech, this word especially has continued to be used in this way always and by all of them.

> Greek: 14. ἔστω, φησί τις, ἀλλὰ καὶ τῶν παλαιῶν ὀνομάτων τὰ μὲν λεκτέα, τὰ δʼ οὔ, ὁπόσα αὐτῶν μὴ συνήθη τοῖς πολλοῖς, ὡς μὴ ταράττοιμεν τὰς ἀκοὰς καὶ τιτρώσκοιμεν τῶν συνόντων τὰ ὦτα. ἐγὼ δέ, ὦ βέλτιστε, πρὸς μὲν σὲ ἴσως ταῦτα περὶ σοῦ εἰπὼν ἥμαρτον· ἐχρῆν γὰρ ἐχρῆν ἢ κατὰ Παφλαγόνων ἢ Καππαδοκῶν ἢ Βακτρίων πάτρια διαλέγεσθαί σοι, ὡς ἐκμάθῃς τὰ λεγόμενα καὶ σοὶ ἀκούειν ᾖ ἡδέα. τοῖς δʼ ἄλλοις Ἕλλησιν οἶμαι καθʼ Ἑλλάδα γλῶτταν συνεῖναι χρή. εἶτα καὶ τῶν Ἀττικῶν κατὰ χρόνους τινὰς πολλὰ ἐντρεψάντων τῆς αὑτῶν φωνῆς, τοῦτο ἐν τοῖς μάλιστα τὸ ὄνομα διετέλεσεν οὕτως ἀεὶ καὶ πρὸς ἁπάντων αὐτῶν λεγόμενον.

[¶14] 15. I should have named those who have employed the word before our time, were I not certain to disturb you in this way also, by reciting names of poets and rhetoricians and historians that would be foreign to you, and beyond your ken. No, I shall not name those who have used it, for they are known to all; but do you point me out one of the ancients who has not employed the word and your statue shall be set up, as the saying goes, in gold at Olympia. Indeed, any old man, full of years, who is unacquainted with such expressions is not, I think, even aware that the city of Athens is in Attica, Corinth at the Isthmus, and Sparta in the Peloponnese.

> Greek: 15. εἶπον ἂν καὶ τοὺς πρὸ ἡμῶν κεχρημένους τῷ ὀνόματι, εἰ μὴ καὶ ταύτῃ σε διαταράξειν ἔμελλον, ξένα σοι καὶ ἄγνωστα ποιητῶν καὶ ῥητόρων καὶ συγγραφέων ὀνόματα διεξιών. μᾶλλον δὲ οὐδʼ ἐγώ σοι τοὺς εἰπόντας ἐρῶ, πάντες γὰρ ἴσασιν, ἀλλὰ σύ μοι ἕνα τῶν πάλαι δείξας οὐ κεχρημένον τῷ ὀνόματι, χρυσοῦς, φασίν, ἐν Ὀλυμπίᾳ στάθητι. καίτοι ὅστις γέρων ὢν καὶ ἀφῆλιξ τὰ τοιαῦτα ἀγνοεῖ, δοκεῖ μοι καὶ ὅτι Ἀθῆναι πόλις ἐστὶν ἐν τῇ Ἀττικῇ καὶ Κόρινθος ἐπὶ τῷ Ἰσθμῷ καὶ Σπάρτη ἐν Πελοποννήσῳ μὴ εἰδέναι.

[¶15] 16. It remains, perhaps, for you to say that you knew the word, but criticised the inappropriate use of it. Come now, on this point too I shall respond to you fittingly, and you must pay attention, unless not knowing matters very little to you. The ancients were before me in hurling many such taunts at the like of you, each at the men of their day; for in that time too there were, of course, dirty fellows, disgusting traits, and ungentle dispositions. One man called a certain person “Buskin,” comparing his principles, which were adaptable, to that kind of footwear; another called a man “Rampage” because he was a turbulent orator and disturbed the assembly, and another someone else “Seventh Day” because he acted in the assemblies as children do on the seventh day of the month, joking and making fun and turning the earnestness of the people into jest. Will you not, then, in the name of Adonis, permit me to compare an utterly vile fellow, familiar with every form of iniquity, to a disreputable and inauspicious day?

> Greek: 16. λοιπὸν ἴσως ἐκεῖνό σοι λέγειν, ὡς τὸ μὲν ὄνομα ᾔδεις, τὴν δὲ χρῆσιν αὐτοῦ ἄκαιρον ᾐτιάσω. φέρε δὴ καὶ ὑπὲρ τούτου πρὸς σὲ ἀπολογήσομαι τὰ εἰκότα, σὺ δὲ προσέχειν τὸν νοῦν, εἰ μὴ πάνυ ὀλίγον σοι μέλει τοῦ μηδὲν εἰδέναι. οἱ πάλαι πολλὰ τοιαῦτα πρὸ ἡμῶν ἀπέρριψαν ἐς τοὺς σοὶ ὁμοίους ἕκαστοι τοὺς τότε — ἦσαν γὰρ καὶ τότε, ὡς τὸ εἰκός, βδελυροί τινες ἐς τὰ ἤθη καὶ μιαροὶ καὶ κακοήθεις τὸν τρόπον — καὶ ὁ μὲν κόθορνόν τινα εἶπεν, εἰκάσας αὐτοῦ τὸν βίον ἀμφίβολον ὄντα τοῖς τοιούτοις ὑποδήμασιν, ὁ δὲ λύμην, ὅτι τὰς ἐκκλησίας θορυβώδης ῥήτωρ ὢν ἐπετάραττεν, ὁ δὲ ἑβδόμην, ὅτι ὥσπερ οἱ παῖδες ἐν ταῖς ἑβδόμαις κἀκεῖνος ἐν ταῖς ἐκκλησίαις ἔπαιζεν καὶ διεγέλα καὶ παιδιὰν ἐποιεῖτο τὴν σπουδὴν τοῦ δήμου. μὴ δῷς οὖν κἀμοί, πρὸς Ἀδώνιδος, εἰκάσαι παμπόνηρον ἄνθρωπον, ἁπάσῃ κακίᾳ σύντροφον, ἡμέρᾳ δυσφήμῳ καὶ ἀπαισίῳ;

[¶16] 17. We avoid those who are lame in the right foot, especially if we should see them early in the morning; and if anyone should see a cut priest or a eunuch or a monkey immediately upon leaving the house, he returns upon his tracks and goes back, auguring that his daily business for that day will not be successful, thanks to the bad and inauspicious omen at the start. But in the beginning of the whole year, at its door, on its first going forth, in its early morning, if one should see a profligate who commits and submits to unspeakable practices, notorious for it, broken in health, and all but called by the name of his actions themselves, a cheat, a swindler, a perjurer, a pestilence, a pillory, a pit, will not one shun him, will not one compare him to a nefandous day?

> Greek: 17. ἡμεῖς δὲ καὶ τοὺς χωλοὺς τῷ δεξιῷ ἐκτρεπόμεθα, καὶ μάλιστα εἰ ἕωθεν ἴδοιμεν αὐτούς· κἂν εἴ τις βάκηλον ἢ εὐνοῦχον ἴδοι ἢ πίθηκον εὐθὺς ἐξιὼν τῆς οἰκίας, ἐπὶ πόδα ἀναστρέφει καὶ ἐπανέρχεται, οὐκ ἀγαθὰς μαντευόμενος τὰς ἐφημέρους ἐκείνας πράξεις ἔσεσθαι αὑτῷ ὑπὸ πονηρῷ τῷ πρώτῳ καὶ δυσφήμῳ κληδονίσματι. ἐν ἀρχῇ δὲ καὶ ἐν θύραις καὶ ἐπὶ τῇ πρώτῃ ἐξόδῳ καὶ ἕωθεν τοῦ ἅπαντος ἔτους εἴ τις ἴδοι κίναιδον καὶ ἀπόρρητα ποιοῦντα καὶ πάσχοντα, ἐπίσημον ἐπὶ τούτῳ καὶ ἀπερρωγότα καὶ μονονουχὶ τοὔνομα τῶν ἔργων αὐτῶν ὀνομαζόμενον, ἀπατεῶνα, γόητα, ἐπίορκον, ὄλεθρον, κύφωνα, βάραθρον, μὴ φύγῃ μηδʼ εἰκάσῃ τοῦτον ἀποφράδι ἡμέρᾳ;

[¶17] 18. Well, are you not such a person? You will not deny it, if I know your boldness; indeed, it seems to me that you are actually vain over the fact that you have not lost the glory of your exploits, but are conspicuous to all and have made a great noise. If, however, you should offer opposition and should deny that you are such a person, who will believe what you say? The people of your native city (for it is fitting to begin there)? No, they knew about your first source of livelihood, and how you gave yourself over to that pestilential soldier and shared his depravity, serving him in every way until, after reducing you to a torn rag, as the saying goes, he thrust you out.

> Greek: 18. ἀλλʼ οὐχὶ σὺ τοιοῦτος; οὐκ ἂν ἔξαρνος γένοιο, εἰ ἐγὼ τὴν ἀνδρείαν οἶδα τὴν σήν, ὅς γε καὶ μέγα φρονεῖν ἐπὶ τούτῳ μοι δοκεῖς, ὅτι μὴ ἀπόλλυταί σοι ἡ δόξα τῶν ἔργων, ἀλλὰ πᾶσι δῆλος εἶ καὶ περιβόητος. εἰ δὲ καὶ ὁμόσε χωρήσειας καὶ ἀρνήσαιο μὴ τοιοῦτος εἶναι, τίσι πιστὰ ἐρεῖς; τοῖς πολίταις τοῖς σοῖς (ἐκεῖθεν γὰρ ἄρχεσθαι δίκαιον); ἀλλὰ ἴσασιν ἐκεῖνοι τὰς πρώτας σου τροφάς, καὶ ὡς παραδοὺς σεαυτὸν τῷ ὀλέθρῳ ἐκείνῳ στρατιώτῃ συμπεριεφθείρου πάντα ὑπηρετῶν, ἄχρι δή σε, τὸ τοῦ λόγου τοῦτο, ῥάκος πολυσχιδὲς ἐργασάμενος ἐξέωσεν.

[¶18] 19. And of course they remember also the effrontery that you displayed in the theatre, when you acted secondary parts for the dancers and thought you were leader of the company. Nobody might enter the theatre before you, or indicate the name of the play; you were sent in first, very properly arrayed, wearing golden sandals and the robe of a tyrant, to beg for favour from the audience, winning wreaths and making your exit amid applause, for already you were held in esteem by them. But now you are a public speaker and a lecturer! So those people, if ever they hear such a thing as that about you, believe they see two suns, as in the tragedy, and twin cities of Thebes, and everyone is quick to say, “That man who then—, and after that—?” Therefore you do well in not going there at all or living in their neighbourhood, but of your own accord remaining in exile from your native city, thoughit is neither “bad in winter” not “oppressive in summer,” but the fairest and largest of all the cities in Phoenicia. To be put to the proof, to associate with those who know and remember your doings of old, is truly as bad as a halter in your sight. And yet, why do I make that silly statement? What would you consider shameful, of all that goes beyond the limit? I am told that you have a great estate there—that ill-conditioned tower, to which the jar of the man of Sinope would be the great hall of Zeus! In view of all this, you can never by any means persuade your fellow-citizens not to think you the most odious man in the world, a common disgrace to the whole city.

> Greek: 19. κἀκεῖνα μέμνηνται, ὡς τὸ εἰκός, ἃ πρὸς τὸ θέατρον ἐνεανιεύου, τοῖς ὀρχησταῖς ὑποκρινόμενος καὶ συνταγματάρχης ἀξιῶν εἶναι. οὐδεὶς γοῦν πρὸ σοῦ ἂν εἰσῆλθεν εἰς τὸ θέατρον οὐδʼ ἂν ἐμήνυσεν ὅ τι τοὔνομα τῷ δράματι, ἀλλὰ σὺ κοσμίως πάνυ, χρυσᾶς ἐμβάδας ἔχων καὶ ἐσθῆτα τυραννικήν, προεισεπέμπου εὐμένειαν αἰτήσων παρὰ τοῦ θεάτρου, στεφάνους κομίζων καὶ κρότῳ ἀπιών, ἤδη τιμώμενος πρὸς αὐτῶν. ἀλλὰ νῦν ῥήτωρ καὶ σοφιστής· καὶ διὰ τοῦτο ἢν πύθωνταί ποτε τὰ τοιαῦτα ὑπὲρ σοῦ ἐκεῖνοι, τοῦτο δὴ τὸ ἐκ τῆς τραγῳδίας, δύο μὲν ἡλίους ὁρᾶν δοκοῦσι, δισσὰς δὲ Θήβας καὶ πρόχειρον ἅπασιν εὐθὺς τὸ ἐκεῖνος ὁ τότε, καὶ μετʼ ἐκεῖνα; τοιγάρτοι καὶ αὐτὸς εὖ ποιῶν οὐκ ἐπιβαίνεις τὸ παράπαν οὐδʼ ἐπιχωριάζεις αὐτοῖς, ἀλλὰ φεύγεις ἑκὼν πατρίδα οὔτε χεῖμα κακὴν οὔτε θέρει ἀργαλέαν, ἀλλὰ καλλίστην καὶ μεγίστην τῶν ἐν Φοινίκῃ ἁπασῶν· τὸ γὰρ ἐλέγχεσθαι καὶ τοῖς εἰδόσι καὶ μεμνημένοις τῶν πάλαι ἐκείνων συνεῖναι βρόχος ὡς ἀληθῶς ἔστι σοι. καίτοι τί ταῦτα ληρῶ; τίνα γὰρ ἂν αἰδεσθείης σύ; τί δʼ ἂν αἰσχρὸν ἡγήσαιο τῶν ὑστάτων; πυνθάνομαι δὲ καὶ κτήματα εἶναί σοι μεγάλα παρʼ αὐτοῖς, τὸ δύστηνον ἐκεῖνο πυργίον, ὡς τὸν τοῦ Σινωπέως πίθον τὴν Διὸς αὐλὴν εἶναι πρὸς αὐτό. τοὺς μὲν δὴ πολίτας οὐδαμῆ οὐδαμῶς ἂν μεταπείσειας μὴ οὐχὶ τῶν ἁπάντων βδελυρώτατόν σε ἡγεῖσθαι, ὄνειδος κοινὸν ἁπάσῃ τῇ πόλει·

[¶19] 20. Could you, though, perhaps win over the other inhabitants of Syria to vote for you if you said that you had done nothing bad or culpable in your life? Heracles! Antioch was an eye-witness of your misconduct with that youth from Tarsus whom you took aside—but to unveil these matters is no doubt shameful for me. However, it is known about and remembered by those who surprised the pair of you then and saw him doing—you know what, unless you are absolutely destitute of memory.

> Greek: 20. τάχα δʼ ἂν τοὺς ἄλλους τοὺς ἐν τῇ Συρίᾳ προσλάβοις ὁμοψήφους, εἰ λέγοις μηδὲν πονηρὸν μηδὲ ἐπαίτιον βεβιῶσθαί σοι. Ἡράκλεις, ἡ μὲν Ἀντιόχεια καὶ τοὖργον αὐτὸ εἶδεν, ὅτε τὸν Ταρσόθεν ἥκοντα ἐκεῖνον νεανίσκον ἀπαγαγών — ἀλλὰ καὶ ἀναδέρειν αὐτὰ αἰσχρὸν ἴσως ἐμοί. πλὴν ἀλλὰ ἴσασίν γε καὶ μέμνηνται οἱ τότε ὑμῖν ἐπιστάντες καὶ σὲ μὲν ἐς γόνυ συγκαθήμενον ἰδόντες, ἐκεῖνον δὲ οἶσθα ὅ τι καὶ ποιοῦντα, εἰ μὴ παντάπασιν ἐπιλήσμων τις εἶ.

[¶20] 21. Well, perhaps people in Egypt do not know you, who received you when, after those marvellous performances of yours in Syria, you went into exile for the reasons which I have mentioned, pursued by the clothiers, from whom you had bought costly garments and in that way obtained your expense-money for the journey. But Alexandria knows you to be guilty of offences just as bad, and should not have been ranked second to Antioch. No, your wantonness there was more open and your licentiousness more insane, your reputation for these things was greater, and your head was uncloaked under all circumstances. There is only one person who would have believed you if you denied having done anything of the sort, and would have come to your assistance—your latest employer, one of the first gentlemen of Rome. The name itself you will allow me to withhold, especially in addressing people who all know whom I mean. As to all the liberties taken by you while you were with him that he tolerated, why should I speak of them? But when he found you in the company of his young cup-bearer Oenopion,—what do you think? Would he have believed you? Not unless he was completely blind. No, he made his opinion evident by driving you out of his house at once, and indeed conducting a lustration, they say, after your departure.

> Greek: 21. ἀλλʼ οἱ ἐν Αἰγύπτῳ ἴσως ἀγνοοῦσί σε, οἱ μετὰ τοὺς ἐν Συρίᾳ θαυμαστοὺς ἄθλους ἐκείνους ὑποδεξάμενοι φεύγοντα ἐφʼ οἷς εἶπον, ὑπὸ τῶν ἱματιοκαπήλων διωκόμενον, παρʼ ὧν ἐσθῆτας πολυτελεῖς πριάμενος ἐφόδια εἶχες. ἀλλʼ οὐκ ἐλάττω σοι ἡ Ἀλεξάνδρεια σύνοιδεν, οὐδὲ μὰ Δίʼ ἐχρῆν δευτέραν τῆς Ἀντιοχείας κεκρίσθαι αὐτήν, ἀλλʼ ἥ τε ἀκολασία γυμνοτέρα καὶ ἡ αἰσχρουργία σοι ἐκεῖ ἐπιμανεστέρα καὶ τοὔνομα ἐπὶ τούτοις μεῖζον καὶ ἐπὶ πᾶσιν ἀκάλυπτος ἡ κεφαλή. εἷς μόνος ἂν ἐπίστευσέ σοι ἐξάρνῳ γινομένῳ μηδὲν τοιοῦτο εἰργάσθαι καὶ βοηθὸς ἂν κατέστη, ὁ τελευταῖος μισθοδότης, ἀνὴρ ἐν τοῖς ἀρίστοις Ῥωμαίων. τοὔνομα δὲ αὐτὸ δώσεις ἀποσιωπῆσαί μοι, καὶ ταῦτα πρὸς πάντας εἰδότας ὃν λέγω. ἐκεῖνος τοίνυν τὰ μὲν ἄλλα ὁπόσα ἔτλη ἐν τῇ συνουσίᾳ τολμηθέντα ὑπὸ σοῦ, τί χρὴ λέγειν; ἀλλʼ ἡνίκα σε κατέλαβε τοῦ μειρακίου τοῦ οἰνοχόου τοῦ Οἰνοπίωνος ἐν γόνασι κείμενον, τί οἴει; ἐπίστευσεν ἄν σοι μὴ εἶναι τοιοῦτον, αὐτὸ ὁρῶν τὸ ἔργον; οὔκ, εἴ γε μὴ παντάπασιν τυφλὸς ἦν. ἀλλὰ ἐδήλωσεν τὴν γνώμην αὐτίκα ἐξελάσας τῆς οἰκίας καὶ καθάρσιόν γε, ὥς φασι, περιενεγκὼν ἐπὶ τῇ σῇ ἐξόδῳ.

[¶21] 22. And certainly Greece as well as Italy is completely filled with-your doings, and your reputation for them, and I wish you joy of your fame!. Consequently, to those who marvel at what you are now doing in Ephesus, I say (and it is true as can be) that they would not wonder if they knew your early performances. Yet you have learned something new here having to do with women.

> Greek: 22. Ἀχαΐα μὲν γὰρ καὶ Ἰταλία πᾶσα ἐμπέπλησται τῶν σῶν ἔργων καὶ τῆς ἐπʼ αὐτοῖς δόξης· καὶ ὄναιό γε τῆς εὐκλείας. ὥστε πρὸς τοὺς θαυμάζοντας ἔγωγε τὰ ἐν Ἐφέσῳ νῦν πραττόμενα ὑπὸ σοῦ ἐκεῖνο λέγω, ὅπερ ἀληθέστατον, ὡς οὐκ ἂν ἐθαύμαζον εἰ τὰ πρῶτά σου ᾔδεισαν. καίτοι καινὸν ἐνταῦθα καὶ τὸ πρὸς τὰς γυναῖκας προσέμαθες.

[¶22] 23. Does it not, then, fit such a man to a hair to call him nefandous? But why in the name of Zeus should you take it upon yourselfto kiss us after such performances? In so doing you behave very offensively, especially to those who ought least of all to be so treated, your pupils, for whom it would have been enough to get only those other horrid boons from your lips—barbarity of language, harshness of voice, indistinctness, confusedness, complete tunelessness, and the like, but to kiss you—forfend it, Averter of Ill! Better kiss an asp or a viper; then the risk is a bite and a pain which the doctor cures when you call him. But from the venom of your kiss, who could approach victims or altars? What god would listen to one’s prayer? How many bowls of holy water, how many rivers are required?

> Greek: 23. οὐ περὶ πόδα οὖν τῷ τοιούτῳ, εἰπέ μοι, ἀποφράδα ὀνομάζεσθαι; ἀλλὰ τί, πρὸς Διός, καὶ φιλῆσαι τῷ στόματι προσέτι ἀξιώσεις ἡμᾶς ἐπʼ ἐκείνοις τοῖς ἔργοις; τοῦτο γοῦν τὸ ὑβριστότατον ποιεῖς, καὶ μάλιστα πρὸς οὓς ἥκιστα ἐχρῆν, καὶ τοὺς ὁμιλητάς, οἷς ἱκανὰ ἦν ἐκεῖνα μόνα τὰ κακὰ τοῦ σοῦ στόματος ἀπολαύειν, τὸ βάρβαρον τῶν ὀνομάτων, τὸ τραχὺ τῆς φωνῆς, τὸ ἄκριτον, τὸ ἄτακτον, τὸ πάντῃ ἄμουσον, καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα· φιλῆσαι δέ σε ἐπὶ τούτοις μὴ γένοιτο, ὦ ἀλεξίκακε. ἀσπίδα μᾶλλον ἢ ἔχιδναν φιλῆσαι ἄμεινον. δῆγμα ἐκεῖ τὸ κινδύνευμα, καὶ ἄλγημα, καὶ ὁ ἰατρὸς εἰσκληθεὶς ἐπήμυνεν· ἀπὸ δὲ τοῦ σοῦ φιλήματος καὶ τοῦ ἰοῦ ἐκείνου τίς ἂν ἢ ἱεροῖς ἢ βωμοῖς προσέλθοι; τίς δʼ ἂν θεὸς ἐπακούσειεν ἔτι εὐχομένου; πόσων περιρραντηρίων, πόσων ποταμῶν δεῖ;

[¶23] 24. And you, who are of that sort, laughed at others in the matter of words and phrases, when you were doing such terrible deeds! For my part, had I not known the word nefandous, I should have been ashamed, so far am I from denying that I used it. In your own case, none of us criticised you for saying “bromologous” and “tropomasthletes” and “to rhesimeter,” and “Athenio,” and “anthocracy” and “sphendicise” and “‘cheiroblime.” May Hermes, Lord of Language, blot you out miserably, language and all, for the miserable wretch that you are! Where in literature do you find these treasures? Perhaps buried somewhere in the closet of some composer of dirges, full of mildew and spiders’ webs, or from the Tablets of Philaenis, which you keep in hand. For you, however, and for your lips they are quite good enough.

> Greek: 24. καὶ τοιοῦτος αὐτὸς ὢν κατεγέλας τῶν ἄλλων ἐπʼ ὀνόμασι καὶ ῥήμασιν, ἔργα τοιαῦτα καὶ τηλικαῦτα ἐργαζόμενος. καίτοι ἐγὼ μὲν ἀποφράδα μὴ εἰδὼς ᾐσχυνόμην ἂν μᾶλλον, οὐχ ὅπως εἰπὼν ἀρνηθείην ἄν· σὲ δὲ οὐδεὶς ᾐτιάσατο ἡμῶν βρωμολόγους λέγοντα καὶ τροπομάσθλητας καὶ ῥησιμετρεῖν καὶ ἀθηνιῶ καὶ ἀνθοκρατεῖν καὶ σφενδικίζειν καὶ χειροβλιμᾶσθαι. κακὸν κακῶς σε ὁ λόγιος Ἑρμῆς ἐπιτρίψειεν αὐτοῖς λόγοις. ποῦ γὰρ ταῦτα τῶν βιβλίων εὑρίσκεις; ἐν γωνίᾳ που τάχα τῶν ἰαλέμων τινὸς ποιητῶν κατορωρυγμένα, εὐρῶτος καὶ ἀραχνίων μεστά, ἤ που ἐκ τῶν Φιλαινίδος Δέλτων, ἃς διὰ χειρὸς ἔχεις. σοῦ μέντοι καὶ τοῦ σοῦ στόματος ἄξια.

[¶24] 25. Now that I have mentioned lips, what would you say if your tongue, summoning you to court, let us suppose, should prosecute you on a charge of injury and at the mildest, assault, saying: “Ingrate, I took you under my protection when you were poor and hard up and destitute of support, and first of all I made you successful in the theatre, making you now Ninus, now Metiochus, and then presently Achilles After that, when you taught boys to spell, I kept you for a long time; and wien at length you took to delivering these speeches of yours, composed by other people, I caused you to be considered a sophist, attaching to you a reputation which had nothing at all to do with you. What charge, then, have you to bring against me, so great that you treat me in this way, imposing disgraceful tasks and abominable services? Are not my daily tasks enough, lying, committing perjury, ladling out such an amount of silliness and twaddle, or (I should say) spewing out the nastiness of those speeches? Even at night you do not allow me, unlucky that I am, to take my rest, but unaided I do everything for you, am abused, defiled, treated deliberately like a hand rather than a tongue, insulted as if I were nothing to you, overwhelmed with so many injuries. My only function is to talk; other parts have been commissioned to do such things as those. Oh if only someone had cut me out, like the tongue of Philomela. More blessed in my sight are the tongues of parents who have eaten their children!”

> Greek: 25. ἐπεὶ δὲ τοῦ στόματος ἐμνήσθην, τί φαίης ἄν, εἴ σε ἡ γλῶττα ἐς δικαστήριον προσκαλεσαμένη — θῶμεν γὰρ οὕτως — ἀδικήματος καὶ τὸ μετριώτατον ὕβρεως διώκοι, λέγουσα ἐγώ σε, ὦ ἀχάριστε, πένητα καὶ ἄπορον παραλαβοῦσα καὶ βίου δεόμενον, τὰ μὲν πρῶτα ἐν τοῖς θεάτροις εὐδοκιμεῖν ἐποίησα, νῦν μὲν Νίνον, νῦν δὲ Μητίοχον, εἶτα μετὰ μικρὸν Ἀχιλλέα τιθεῖσα· μετὰ ταῦτα δὲ παῖδας συλλαβίζειν διδάσκοντα μακρῷ χρόνῳ ἔβοσκον· ἤδη δὲ καὶ τοὺς ἀλλοτρίους τούτους λόγους ὑποκρινόμενον σοφιστὴν εἶναι δοκεῖν ἐποίησα καὶ τὴν μηδὲν προσήκουσαν δόξαν περιῆψα. τί τοίνυν τηλικοῦτο ἔχων ἐγκαλεῖν τοιαῦτά με διατίθης καὶ ἐπιτάττεις ἐπιτάγματα αἴσχιστα καὶ ὑπουργίας καταπτύστους; οὐχ ἱκανά μοι τὰ ἐπὶ τῆς ἡμέρας ἔργα, ψεύδεσθαι καὶ ἐπιορκεῖν καὶ τοὺς τοσούτους ὕθλους καὶ λήρους διαντλεῖν, μᾶλλον δὲ τὸν βόρβορον τῶν λόγων ἐκείνων ἐμεῖν, ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ νυκτὸς τὴν κακοδαίμονα σχολὴν ἄγειν ἐᾷς, ἀλλὰ μόνη σοι πάντα ποιῶ καὶ πατοῦμαι καὶ μιαίνομαι, καὶ ἀντὶ γλώττης ὅσα καὶ χειρὶ χρῆσθαι διέγνωκας καὶ ὥσπερ ἀλλοτρίαν ὑβρίζεις καὶ ἐπικλύζεις τοσούτοις κακοῖς. λαλεῖν μοι ἔργον ἐστὶ μόνον, τὰ δὲ τοιαῦτα ποιεῖν καὶ πάσχειν ἄλλοις μέρεσι προστέτακται. ὡς ὤφελε κἀμέ τις ὥσπερ τὴν τῆς Φιλομήλας ἐκτεμεῖν. μακαριώτεραι γοῦν μοι αἱ γλῶτται τῶν τὰ τέκνα κατεδηδοκότων.

[¶25] 26. In Heaven’s name, if your tongue should say that, acquiring a voice of its own, and getting your beard to join in the accusation, what response would you make? The reply, manifestly, which you made recently to Glaucus when he rebuked you just after a performance, that by this means you had speedily become famous and known to everyone, and how could you have become so notorious by making speeches? It was highly desirable, you said, to be renowned and celebrated in any way whatsoever. And then you might tell it your many nicknames, acquired in different nations. In that connection I marvel at it that you were distressed when you heard ‘nefandous ’ but were not angry over those names.

> Greek: 26. πρὸς θεῶν, ἢν λέγῃ ταῦτα ἡ γλῶττα, ἰδίαν αὐτὴ φωνὴν λαβοῦσα καὶ τὸν πώγωνα συνήγορον ἐπικαλεσαμένη, τί ἂν ἀποκρίναιο αὐτῇ; ἐκεῖνα δῆλον ὅτι ἃ καὶ πρὸς τὸν Γλαῦκον ἔναγχος εἴρηταί σοι ἐπὶ πεπραγμένῳ ἤδη τῷ ἔργῳ αἰτιώμενον, ὡς ἐπὶ τούτῳ ἔνδοξος ἐν βραχεῖ καὶ γνώριμος ἅπασι γεγένησαι, πόθεν ἂν οὕτω περιβόητος ἐπὶ τοῖς λόγοις γενόμενος; ἀγαπητὸν δὲ ὁπωσοῦν κλεινὸν καὶ ὀνομαστὸν εἶναι. εἶτα καταριθμήσεις αὐτῇ τὰς πολλάς σου προσηγορίας, ὁπόσας κατὰ ἔθνη προσείληφας. ὃ καὶ θαυμάζω, ὅτι τὴν μὲν ἀποφράδα ἐδυσχέρανας ἀκούσας, ἐπʼ ἐκείνοις δὲ τοῖς ὀνόμασιν οὐκ ἠγανάκτεις, ἐν Συρίᾳ μὲν Ῥοδοδάφνη κληθείς, ἐφʼ ᾧ δέ, νὴ τὴν Ἀθηνᾶν, αἰσχύνομαι διηγεῖσθαι, ὥστε τό γε ἐπʼ ἐμοὶ ἀσαφὲς ἔτι ἔστω·

[¶26] 27. In Syria you were called Rhododaphne; the reason, by Athena, I am ashamed to tell. So as far as lies in me, it will still remain a mystery. In Palestine, you were Thorn-hedge, with reference, no doubt, to the prickling of your stubbly beard; for you still kept it shaved. In Egypt you were called Quinsy, which is clear. In fact, they say you were nearly throttled when you ran afoul of a lusty sailor who closed with you and stopped your mouth. The Athenians, excellent fellows that they are, gave you no enigmatic name but called you Atimarchus, honouring you with the addition of a single letter because you had to have something that went even beyond Timarchus.. And in Italy—my word! you got that epic nickname of Cyclops, because once, over and above your old bag of tricks, you took a notion to do an obscene parody on Homer’s poetry itself, and while you lay there, drunk already, with a bowl of ivy-wood in your hand, a lecherous Polyphemus, a young man whom you had hired came at you as Odysseus, presenting his bar, thoroughly made ready, to put out your eye;
And that he missed; his shaft was turned aside.
Its point drove through beside the jawbone’s root.
(Of course it is not at all out of the way, in discussing you, to be silly.) Well, you as the Cyclops, opening your mouth and setting it agape as widely as you could, submitted to having your jaw put out by him, or rather, like Charybdis, you strove to engulf your Noman whole, along with his crew, his rudder, and his sails. That was seen by other people present. Then the next day your only defence was drunkenness, and you sought sanctuary in the unwatered wine.

> Greek: 27. ἐν Παλαιστίνῃ δὲ Φραγμός, ἐς τὰς ἀκάνθας τοῦ πώγωνος, οἶμαι, ὅτι ἔνυττε μεταξύ· ἔτι γὰρ ἔξυρες αὐτόν· ἐν Αἰγύπτῳ δὲ Συνάγχη, πρόδηλον τοῦτο· μικροῦ γοῦν φασιν ἀποπνιγῆναί σε ναύτῃ τινὶ τῶν τριαρμένων ἐντυχόντα, ὃς ἐμπεσὼν ἀπέφραξέ σοι τὸ στόμα. Ἀθηναῖοι μὲν γὰρ βέλτιστοι αἰνιγματῶδες οὐδέν, ἀλλὰ γράμματος ἑνὸς προσθήκῃ τιμήσαντές σε Ἀτίμαρχον ὠνόμαζον· ἔδει γὰρ κἀκείνου τι περιττότερον προσεῖναί σοι. ἐν Ἰταλίᾳ δέ, βαβαί, ἡρωϊκὸν ἐκεῖνο ἐπεκλήθης, ὁ Κύκλωψ, ἐπειδή ποτε καὶ πρὸς ἀρχαίαν διασκευὴν παρʼ αὐτὰ τὰ τοῦ Ὁμήρου ῥαψῳδῆσαι καὶ σὺ τὴν αἰσχρουργίαν ἐπεθύμησας. καὶ αὐτὸς μὲν ἔκεισο μεθύων ἤδη, κισσύβιον ἔχων ἐν τῇ χειρί, βινητιῶν Πολύφημος, νεανίας δὲ ὑπόμισθος ὀρθὸν ἔχων τὸν μοχλὸν εὖ μάλα ἠκονημένον ἐπὶ σὲ Ὀδυσσεύς τις ἐπῄει ὡς ἐκκόψων τὸν ὀφθαλμόν·
κἀκείνου μὲν ἅμαρτε, παραὶ δέ οἱ ἐτράπετʼ ἔγχος,
αἰχμὴ δʼ ἐξεσύθη παρὰ νείατον ἀνθερεῶνα.
(καὶ γὰρ οὐδὲν ἄτοπον ὑπὲρ σοῦ λέγοντα ψυχρολογεῖν.) σὺ δὲ ὁ Κύκλωψ, ἀναπετάσας τὸ στόμα καὶ ὡς ἔνι πλατύτατον κεχηνώς, ἠνείχου τυφλούμενος ὑπʼ αὐτοῦ τὴν γνάθον, μᾶλλον δὲ ὥσπερ ἡ Χάρυβδις αὐτοῖς ναύταις καὶ πηδαλίοις καὶ ἱστίοις ὅλον ζητῶν καταπιεῖν τὸν Οὖτιν. καὶ ταῦτα ἑώρων καὶ ἄλλοι παρόντες. εἶτά σοι ἐς τὴν ὑστεραίαν μία ἦν ἀπολογία ἡ μέθη καὶ ἐς τὸν ἄκρατον ἀνέφευγες.

[¶27] 28. Rich as you are in these choice and numerous appellations, are you ashamed of ‘nefandous’? In the name of the gods, tell me how you feel when the rabble call you names derived from Lesbos and Phoenicia?, Are you as unacquainted with these as with ‘nefandous,’ and do you perhaps think they are praising you? Or do you know these through old acquaintance, and is it only ‘nefandous’ that you scorn as unknown and exclude from your list of names? Consequently, you are paying us a penalty which cannot be considered inadequate; no, your notoriety extends even to the women’s quarters. Recently, for instance, when you had the hardihood to seek a match in Cyzicus, that excellent woman, who had very thoroughly informed herself in every particular said: ‘I do not care to have a man who needs one.”

> Greek: 28. τοιούτοις δὴ καὶ τοσούτοις ὀνόμασι πλουτῶν αἰσχύνῃ τὴν ἀποφράδα; πρὸς θεῶν εἰπέ μοι, τί πάσχεις ἐπειδὰν κἀκεῖνα λέγωσιν οἱ πολλοί, λεσβιάζειν σε καὶ φοινικίζειν; ἆρα καὶ ταῦτα ὥσπερ τὴν ἀποφράδα ἀγνοεῖς καὶ οἴει τάχα που ἐπαινεῖσθαι πρὸς αὐτῶν; ἢ ταῦτα μὲν διὰ τὸ σύντροφον οἶσθα, τὴν ἀποφράδα δὲ ὡς ἀγνῶτα μόνην ἀτιμάζεις καὶ ἀποκλείεις τοῦ καταλόγου τῶν ὀνομάτων; τοιγαροῦν οὐ μεμπτὰς ἡμῖν τίνεις τὰς δίκας, ἀλλὰ μέχρι καὶ τῆς γυναικωνίτιδος περιβόητος εἶ. πρῴην γοῦν ἐπειδή τινα γάμον ἐν Κυζίκῳ μνᾶσθαι ἐτόλμησας, εὖ μάλα ἐκπεπυσμένη πάντα ἡ βελτίστη ἐκείνη γυνή, οὐκ ἂν προσείμην, ἔφη, ἄνδρα καὶ αὐτὸν ἀνδρὸς δεόμενον.

[¶28] 29. Then, being in such case, you bother about words, do you, and laugh, and insult other people? Not without reason, for we could not all use expressions like yours. How ever could we? Who is so greatly daring in language as to ask for a trident instead of a sword to use on three adulterers, as you did? Or to say of Theopompus, in passing judgement on his Tricaranus, that he had razed the outstanding cities single-handed with a three-pronged book? And again, that he had plied a ruinous trident upon Hellas, and that he was a literary Cerberus. Why, the other day you even lighted a lantern and went peering about, for some “brother,” I suppose, that had got astray. And there are other examples beyond counting, which it is not worth while to mention, except for one that was heard and reported. A rich man, I gather, and two poor men were on bad terms. Then, in the middle of the story, speaking of the rich man, you said: “He killed θάτερον (meaning one of the two, instead of saying τὸν ἕτερον); and when those present laughed, as was natural, by way of correcting and undoing your slip you said: “No, not that; he killed ἅτερον Your old-time slips I pass over, your use of the dual in speaking of three months, of ἀνηνεμία (for νηνεμία, windlessness), of πέταμαι (for πέτομαι, I fly), of ἐκχύνειν (for ἐκχεῖν, to pour out), and all the other fine flowers that adorn your compositions.

> Greek: 29. εἶτα ἐν τοιούτοις ὄντι σοι ὀνομάτων μέλει καὶ γελᾷς καὶ τῶν ἄλλων καταπτύεις, εἰκότως· οὐ γὰρ ἂν ἅπαντες ὅμοιά σοι λέγειν δυναίμεθα. πόθεν; τίς οὕτως ἐν λόγοις μεγαλότολμος, ὡς ἐπὶ μὲν τοὺς τρεῖς μοιχοὺς ἀντὶ ξίφους τρίαιναν αἰτεῖν; τὸν δὲ Θεόπομπον ἐπὶ τῷ Τρικαράνῳ κρίνοντα φάναι τριγλώχινι λόγῳ καθῃρηκέναι αὐτὸν τὰς προὐχούσας πόλεις; καὶ πάλιν, ἐκτριαινῶσαι αὐτὸν τὴν Ἑλλάδα καὶ εἶναι Κέρβερον ἐν τοῖς λόγοις; πρῴην γὰρ καὶ λύχνον ἅψας ἐζήτεις ἀδελφόν τινα, οἶμαι, ἀπολωλότα· καὶ ἄλλα μυρία, ὧν οὐδὲ μεμνῆσθαι ἄξιον, ἢ μόνου ἐκείνου, ὅπερ οἱ ἀκούσαντες ἀπεμνημόνευον. πλούσιός τις, οἶμαι, καὶ δύο πένητες ἦσαν ἐχθροί· εἶτα μεταξὺ περὶ τοῦ πλουσίου λέγων, ἀπέκτεινεν, ἔφης, θάτερον τῶν πενήτων. γελασάντων δέ, ὡς τὸ εἰκός, τῶν παρόντων, ἐπανορθούμενος δὴ σὺ καὶ ἀνατιθέμενος τὸ διημαρτημένον, οὐ μὲν οὖν, ἔφης, ἀλλὰ ἅτερον αὐτῶν ἀπέκτεινεν. ἐῶ τὰ ἀρχαῖα, τὸ τριῶν μηνοῖν καὶ τὸ ἀνηνεμία καὶ τὸ πέταμαι καὶ ἐκχύνειν καὶ ὅσα ἄλλα καλὰ τοῖς σοῖς λόγοις ἐπανθεῖ.

[¶29] 30. As to what you do under the impulsion of poverty —by our Lady of Necessity! I cannot censure a single act. It can be overlooked, for example, if a man in the pinch of hunger who has received moneys entrusted to him by a man of his own city subsequently takes a false oath that he received nothing; or if a man shamelessly asks for gifts—begs, in fact— and steals and plies the trade of publican. That is not what I am talking about; for there is nothing invidious in fending off destitution by every means. But it goes beyond what is endurable when you, a poor man, pour the proceeds of your shamelessness into such indulgences only. However, you will permit me to praise one thing, anyhow, that very pretty performance of yours when you yourself—and you know it—composed the “Tisias’ Handbook,” that work of an ill-omened crow, thus robbing that stupid old man of thirty gold pieces; for because of Tisias’ name he paid seven hundred and fifty drachmas for the book, gulled into it by you.

> Greek: 30. ἃ μὲν γὰρ ὑπὸ τῆς πενίας ἐλαυνόμενος ποιεῖς, Ἀδράστεια φίλη, οὐκ ἄν τινι ὀνειδίσαιμι. συγγνωστὰ γοῦν εἴ τις λιμῷ πιεζόμενος παρακαταθήκας παρʼ ἀνδρὸς πολίτου λαβὼν εἶτα ἐπιώρκησεν ἦ μὴν μὴ παρειληφέναι, ἢ εἴ τις ἀναισχύντως αἰτεῖ, μᾶλλον δὲ προσαιτεῖ καὶ λωποδυτεῖ καὶ τελωνεῖ. οὐ δὴ λέγω ταῦτα· φθόνος γὰρ οὐδεὶς ἐξ ἅπαντος ἀμύνεσθαι τὴν ἀπορίαν. ἐκεῖνο δὲ οὐκέτι φορητόν, πένητά σε ὄντα ἐς μόνας τὰς τοιαύτας ἡδονὰς ἐκχεῖν τὰ ἐκ τῆς ἀναισχυντίας περιγιγνόμενα. πλὴν ἕν γέ τι καὶ ἐπαινέσαι μοι δώσεις, πάνυ ἀστείως ὑπὸ σοῦ πεπραγμένον, ὁπότε τοῦ Τισίου τὴν τέχνην οἶσθα ὡς τὸ δυσκόρακος ἔργον αὐτὸς ἐποίησας, ἐξαρπάσας τοῦ ἀνοήτου ἐκείνου πρεσβύτου χρυσοῦς τριάκοντα, ὁ δὲ διὰ τὸν Τισίαν ἀντὶ τοῦ βιβλίου πεντήκοντα καὶ ἑπτακοσίας ἐξέτισε κατασοφισθείς.

[¶30] 31. I have still a great deal that I might say; but I willingly forego the rest for you, adding only this: do as you like in everything else and do not cease to indulge in such maudlin behaviour at your own expense, but not that one thing—no, no! It is not decent to ask people who so act to the same table, to share a cup with them, and to partake of the same food. And let there be none of this kissing after lectures, either, especially with those who have made ‘nefandous’ apply to you not long before. And inasmuch as I have already begun to give friendly advice, have done, if you please, with perfuming your grey hair, and depilating only certain parts; for if some ailment is besetting you, your whole body should be attended to, but if nothing of that sort ails you, what is the point of your making parts hairless, smooth, and sleek which should not even be seen? One thing only is prudent in you, your grey hairs, and that you no longer dye them, so that you can have them to cloak your iniquity. Spare them, in Heaven’s name in this point also, and particularly your beard, too; do not defile or mistreat it any longer. If you must, let it be at night and in darkness; but by day—no, no!—that is absolutely uncivilised and beastly.

> Greek: 31. πολλὰ ἔτι ἔχων εἰπεῖν, τὰ μὲν ἄλλα ἑκὼν ἀφίημί σοι, ἐκεῖνο δὲ μόνον προσλέγω, πρᾶττε μὲν ταῦτα ὅπως σοι φίλον καὶ μὴ παύσαιο τὰ τοιαῦτα ἐς ἑαυτὸν παροινῶν, ἐκεῖνο δὲ μηκέτι, ἄπαγε· οὐ γὰρ ὅσιον ἐπὶ τὴν αὐτὴν ἑστίαν τοὺς ταῦτα διατιθέντας καλεῖν καὶ φιλοτησίας προπίνειν καὶ ὄψων τῶν αὐτῶν ἅπτεσθαι. ἀλλὰ μηδὲ ἐκεῖνο ἔστω τὸ ἐπὶ τοῖς λόγοις, φιλήματα, καὶ ταῦτα πρὸς τοὺς οὐ πρὸ πολλοῦ ἀποφράδα σοι ἐργασαμένους τὸ στόμα. κἀπειδήπερ ἅπαξ φιλικῆς παραινέσεως ἠρξάμην, κἀκεῖνα, εἰ δοκεῖ, ἄφελε, τὸ μύρῳ χρίεσθαι τὰς πολιὰς καὶ τὸ πιττοῦσθαι μόνα ἐκεῖνα. εἰ μὲν γὰρ νόσος τις ἐπείγει, ἅπαν τὸ σῶμα θεραπευτέον, εἰ δὲ μηδὲν νοσεῖς τοιοῦτο, τί σοι βούλεται καθαρὰ καὶ λεῖα καὶ ὀλισθηρὰ ἐργάζεσθαι ἃ μηδὲ ὁρᾶσθαι θέμις; ἐκεῖνό σοι μόνον σοφόν, αἱ πολιαὶ καὶ τὸ μηκέτι μελαίνεσθαι, ὡς προκάλυμμα εἶεν τῆς βδελυρίας. φείδου δὴ αὐτῶν πρὸς Διὸς κἀν τούτῳ, καὶ μάλιστα τοῦ πώγωνος αὐτοῦ, μηδὲ μιάνῃς ἔτι μηδὲ ὑβρίσῃς· εἰ δὲ μή, ἐν νυκτί γε καὶ σὺν σκότῳ, τὸ δὲ μεθʼ ἡμέραν, ἄπαγε, κομιδῇ ἄγριον καὶ θηριῶδες.

[¶31] 32. Do not you see that it would have been better for you to “leave Camarina undisturbed,” and not to laugh at the word nefandous, which is going to make your whole life nefandous? Or is something more still required? As far as in me lies, it shall not remain wanting. To be sure, you are not yet aware that you have brought down the whole cartload on top of you, though you ought to grovel, you glozing varlet, if a man with hair on him, a swart-breech (to use the good old phrase) were simply to look at you sourly. Perhaps you will even laugh at that, too—that “glozing varlet”—as if you had heard something enigmatic and riddling; for you do not know the words for your actions. So you now have an opportunity to libel these expressions also, in case “nefandous” has not paid you out, three or four times over. Anyhow, blame yourself for everything. As that pretty wit Euripides used to say, of curbless mouths and folly and lawlessness the end is mischance.

> Greek: 32. ὁρᾷς, ὡς ἄμεινον ἦν σοι ἀκίνητον τὴν Καμάριναν ἐᾶν, μηδὲ καταγελᾶν τῆς ἀποφράδος, ἥ σοι ἀποφράδα τὸν βίον ὅλον ἐργάσεται; ἢ ἔτι προσδεῖ τινος; ὡς τό γε ἐμὸν οὔ ποτε ἐλλείψει. οὐδέπω γοῦν οἶσθα ὡς ὅλην τὴν ἅμαξαν ἐπεσπάσω, δέον, ὦ παιπάλημα καὶ κίναδος, ὑποπτήσσειν εἴ τις ἀνὴρ δασὺς καὶ τοῦτο δὴ τὸ ἀρχαῖον, μελάμπυγος δριμὺ μόνον εἰς σὲ ἀποβλέψειεν. ἴσως ἤδη καὶ ταῦτα γελάσῃ, τὸ παιπάλημα καὶ τὸ κίναδος, ὥσπερ τινὰ αἰνίγματα καὶ γρίφους ἀκούσας· ἄγνωστα γάρ σοι τῶν σῶν ἔργων τὰ ὀνόματα. ὥστε ὥρα ἤδη καὶ ταῦτα συκοφαντεῖν, εἰ μὴ τριπλῇ καὶ τετραπλῇ σοι ἡ ἀποφρὰς ἐκτέτικεν. αἰτιῶ δʼ οὖν σεαυτὸν ἐπὶ πᾶσιν· ὡς γὰρ ὁ καλὸς Εὐριπίδης λέγειν εἴωθεν, ἀχαλίνων στομάτων καὶ ἀφροσύνης καὶ ἀνομίας τὸ τέλος δυστυχία γίγνεται.