1. ZEUS No more murmuring, Gods, or gathering in corners and whispering in each other’s ears because you take it hard that many share our table who are not worthy. Now that a public meeting upon this question has been authorised, let each declare his opinion openly and bring his charges. Hermes, make the proclamation required by law. HERMES Hear ye! Silence! Among the gods of full standing, entitled to speak, who desires to do so? The question concerns resident aliens and foreigners. MOMUS I, Momus here, Zeus, if you would let me speak. ZEUS The proclamation itself gives permission, so that you will have no need of mine, MOMUS Well then, I say that some of us behave shockingly; it is not enough for them that they themselves have become gods instead of men, but unless they can make their very attendants and servants as good as we are, they do not think they have done anything important or enterprising.
1. Ζεύς: μηκέτι τονθορύζετε, ὦ θεοί, μηδὲ κατὰ γωνίας συστρεφόμενοι πρὸς οὖς ἀλλήλοις κοινολογεῖσθε, ἀγανακτοῦντες εἰ πολλοὶ ἀνάξιοι μετέχουσιν ἡμῖν τοῦ συμποσίου, ἀλλʼ ἐπείπερ ἀποδέδοται περὶ τούτων ἐκκλησία, λεγέτω ἕκαστος ἐς τὸ φανερὸν τὰ δοκοῦντά οἱ καὶ κατηγορείτω. σὺ δὲ κήρυττε, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, τὸ κήρυγμα τὸ ἐκ τοῦ νόμου. Ἑρμῆς: ἄκουε, σίγα. τίς ἀγορεύειν βούλεται τῶν τελείων θεῶν οἷς ἔξεστιν; ἡ δὲ σκέψις περὶ τῶν μετοίκων καὶ ξένων. Μῶμος: ἐγὼ ὁ Μῶμος, ὦ Ζεῦ, εἴ μοι ἐπιτρέψειας εἰπεῖν. Ζεύς: τὸ κήρυγμα ἤδη ἐφίησιν· ὥστε οὐδὲν ἐμοῦ δεήσει.
2. And I beg you, Zeus, to let me speak frankly, for I could not do otherwise. Everybody knows how free of speech I am, and disinclined to hush up anything at all that is ill done. I criticize everybody and express my views openly, without either fearing anyone or concealing my opinion out of respect, so that most people think me vexatious and meddling by nature; they call me a regular public prosecutor. However, inasmuch as it is according to law, and the proclamation has been made, and you, Zeus, allow me to speak with complete liberty, I shall do so, without anyreservations.
2. Μῶμος: φημὶ τοίνυν δεινὰ ποιεῖν ἐνίους ἡμῶν, οἷς οὐκ ἀπόχρη θεοὺς ἐξ ἀνθρώπων αὐτοῖς γεγενῆσθαι, ἀλλʼ, εἰ μὴ καὶ τοὺς ἀκολούθους καὶ θεράποντας αὐτῶν ἰσοτίμους ἡμῖν ἀποφανοῦσιν, οὐδὲν μέγα οὐδὲ νεανικὸν οἴονται εἰργάσθαι. ἀξιῶ δέ, ὦ Ζεῦ, μετὰ παρρησίας μοι δοῦναι εἰπεῖν· οὐδὲ γὰρ ἂν ἄλλως δυναίμην, ἀλλὰ πάντες με ἴσασιν ὡς ἐλεύθερός εἰμι τὴν γλῶτταν καὶ οὐδὲν ἂν κατασιωπήσαιμι τῶν οὐ καλῶς γιγνομένων· διελέγχω γὰρ ἅπαντα καὶ λέγω τὰ δοκοῦντά μοι ἐς τὸ φανερὸν οὔτε δεδιώς τινα οὔτε ὑπʼ αἰδοῦς ἐπικαλύπτων τὴν γνώμην· ὥστε καὶ ἐπαχθὴς δοκῶ τοῖς πολλοῖς καὶ συκοφαντικὸς τὴν φύσιν, δημόσιός τις κατήγορος ὑπʼ αὐτῶν ἐπονομαζόμενος. πλὴν ἀλλʼ ἐπείπερ ἔξεστιν καὶ κεκήρυκται καὶ σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, δίδως μετʼ ἐξουσίας εἰπεῖν·, οὐδὲν ὑποστειλάμενος ἐρῶ.
3. Many, I say, not content that they themselves take part in the same assemblies as we and feast with us on equal terms, and that too when they are half mortal, havelugged up into heaven their own servants and boon-companions and have fraudulently registered them, so that now they receive largesses and share in sacrifices on an equal footing without even having paid us the tax of resident aliens. ZEUS Let us have no riddles, Momus; speak in plain and explicit language, and supply the name, too. Asit is, you have flung your statement into the midst of us all, so that many are making guesses and applying your remarks now to one and now to another. Being an exponent of frankness, you must not stick at saying anything.
3. Μῶμος: πολλοὶ γάρ, φημί, οὐκ ἀγαπῶντες ὅτι αὐτοὶ μετέχουσι τῶν αὐτῶν ἡμῖν ξυνεδρίων καὶ εὐωχοῦνται ἐπʼ ἴσης, καὶ ταῦτα θνητοὶ ἐξ ἡμισείας ὄντες, ἔτι καὶ τοὺς ὑπηρέτας καὶ θιασώτας τοὺς αὐτῶν ἀνήγαγον ἐς τὸν οὐρανὸν καὶ παρενέγραψαν, καὶ νῦν ἐπʼ ἴσης διανομάς τε νέμονται καὶ θυσιῶν μετέχουσιν, οὐδὲ καταβαλόντες ἡμῖν τὸ μετοίκιον. Ζεύς: μηδὲν αἰνιγματῶδες, ὦ Μῶμε, ἀλλὰ σαφῶς καὶ διαρρήδην λέγε, προστιθεὶς καὶ τοὔνομα, νῦν γὰρ ἐς τὸ μέσον ἀπέρριπταί σοι ὁ λόγος, ὡς πολλοὺς εἰκάζειν καὶ ἐφαρμόζειν ἄλλοτε ἄλλον τοῖς λεγομένοις. χρὴ δὲ παρρησιαστὴν ὄντα μηδὲν ὀκνεῖν λέγειν.
4. MOMUS It is splendid, Zeus, that you actually urge me to frankness; that is a truly royal, high-souled action. Therefore I shall give the name. It is this peerless Dionysus, who is half human; in fact, on his mother’s side he is not even Greek, but the grandson of a Syrophoenician trader named Cadmus. Inasmuch as he has been honoured with immortality, I say nothing of the man himself—either of his hood or of his drunkenness or of his gait; for you all, I think, see that he is womanish and unmanly in his character, half crazy, with strong drink on his breath from the beginning of the day. But he has foisted upon us a whole clan; he presents himself at the head of his rout, and has made gods out of Pan and Silenus and the Satyrs, regular farm-hands and goat-herds, most of them—capering fellows with queer shapes. One of them has horns and looks like a goat from the waist down, and wears a long beard, so that he is not much different from a goat. Another is a baldpated gaffer with a flat nose who usually rides on a donkey. He is a Lydian. The Satyrs are prickeared, and they too are bald, with horns like those that bud on new-born kids; they are Phrygians, and they all have tails. D’ye see what sort of gods he is making for us, the bounder?
4. Μῶμος: εὖ γε, ὦ Ζεῦ, ὅτι καὶ παροτρύνεις με πρὸς τὴν παρρησίαν· ποιεῖς γὰρ τοῦτο βασιλικὸν ὡς ἀληθῶς καὶ μεγαλόφρον, ὥστε ἐρῶ καὶ τοὔνομα. ὁ γάρ τοι γενναιότατος οὗτος Διόνυσος ἡμιάνθρωπος ὤν, οὐδὲ Ἕλλην μητρόθεν ἀλλὰ Συροφοίνικός τινος ἐμπόρου τοῦ Κάδμου θυγατριδοῦς, ἐπείπερ ἠξιώθη τῆς ἀθανασίας, οἷος μὲν αὐτός ἐστιν οὐ λέγω, οὔτε τὴν μίτραν οὔτε τὴν μέθην οὔτε τὸ βάδισμα· πάντες γάρ, οἶμαι, ὁρᾶτε ὡς θῆλυς καὶ γυναικεῖος τὴν φύσιν, ἡμιμανής, ἀκράτου ἕωθεν ἀποπνέων· ὁ δὲ καὶ ὅλην φατρίαν ἐσεποίησεν ἡμῖν καὶ τὸν χορὸν ἐπαγόμενος πάρεστι καὶ θεοὺς ἀπέφηνε τὸν Πᾶνα καὶ τὸν Σιληνὸν καὶ Σατύρους, ἀγροίκους τινὰς καὶ αἰπόλους τοὺς πολλούς, σκιρτητικοὺς ἀνθρώπους καὶ τὰς μορφὰς ἀλλοκότους· ὧν ὁ μὲν κέρατα ἔχων καὶ ὅσον ἐξ ἡμισείας ἐς τὸ κάτω αἰγὶ ἐοικὼς καὶ γένειον βαθὺ καθειμένος ὀλίγον τράγου διαφέρων ἐστίν, ὁ δὲ φαλακρὸς γέρων, σιμὸς τὴν ῥῖνα, ἐπὶ ὄνου τὰ πολλὰ ὀχούμενος, Λυδὸς οὗτος, οἱ δὲ Σάτυροι ὀξεῖς τὰ ὦτα, καὶ αὐτοὶ φαλακροί, κεράσται, οἷα τοῖς ἄρτι γεννηθεῖσιν ἐρίφοις τὰ κέρατα ὑποφύεται, Φρύγες τινὲς ὄντες· ἔχουσι δὲ καὶ οὐρὰς ἅπαντες. ὁρᾶτε οἵους ἡμῖν θεοὺς ποιεῖ ὁ γεννάδας;
5. And then we wonder that men despise us when they see such laughable and portentous deities! I omit to mention that he has also brought up two women, one his sweetheart Ariadne, whose very head-band he has admitted into the starry choir, and the other the daughter of Icarius the farmer! And what is most ridiculous of all, Gods, even Erigone’s dog—that too he has brought up, so that the little maid shall not be distressed if she cannot have in heaven her pet, darling doggie! Does not all this look to you like insolence, impudence, and mockery? But let me tell you about others.
5. Μῶμος: εἶτα θαυμάζομεν εἰ καταφρονοῦσιν ἡμῶν οἱ ἄνθρωποι ὁρῶντες οὕτω γελοίους θεοὺς καὶ τεραστίους; ἐῶ γὰρ λέγειν ὅτι καὶ δύο γυναῖκας ἀνήγαγεν, τὴν μὲν ἐρωμένην οὖσαν αὐτοῦ, τὴν Ἀριάδνην, ἧς καὶ τὸν στέφανον ἐγκατέλεξε τῷ τῶν ἄστρων χορῷ, τὴν δὲ Ἰκαρίου τοῦ γεωργοῦ θυγατέρα. καὶ ὃ πάντων γελοιότατον, ὦ θεοί, καὶ τὸν κύνα τῆς Ἠριγόνης, καὶ τοῦτον ἀνήγαγεν, ὡς μὴ ἀνιῷτο ἡ παῖς εἰ μὴ ἕξει ἐν τῷ οὐρανῷ τὸ ξύνηθες ἐκεῖνο καὶ ὅπερ ἠγάπα κυνίδιον. ταῦτα οὐχ ὕβρις ὑμῖν δοκεῖ καὶ παροινία καὶ γέλως; ἀκούσατε δʼ οὖν καὶ ἄλλους.
6. ZEUS Say nothing, Momus, about either Asclepius or Heracles, for I see where you are heading in your speech. As far as they are concerned, one of them is a doctor who cures people of their illnesses and is “as good as a host in himself,” whilst Heracles, though my own son, purchased his immortality at the cost of many labours; so do not denounce them. MOMUS I shall hold my tongue, Zeus, for your sake, although I have plenty to say. Indeed, if there were nothing else, they still carry the marks of fire! And if it were permissible to employ free speech about yourself, I should have plenty to say.ZEUS I assure you, about me it is quite permissible. But you are not prosecuting me as an alien, are you? MOMUS Well, in Crete not only that may be heard, but they tell another story about you and show people atomb. However, I put no faith either in them or in the Achaeans of Aegium, who assert that you are a changeling.
6. Ζεύς: μηδέν, ὦ Μῶμε, εἴπῃς μήτε περὶ Ἀσκληπιοῦ μήτε περὶ Ἡρακλέους· ὁρῶ γὰρ οἷ φέρῃ τῷ λόγῳ. οὗτοι γάρ, ὁ μὲν αὐτῶν ἰᾶται καὶ ἀνίστησιν ἐκ τῶν νόσων καὶ ἔστιν πολλῶν ἀντάξιος ἄλλων, ὁ δὲ Ἡρακλῆς υἱὸς ὢν ἐμὸς οὐκ ὀλίγων πόνων ἐπρίατο τὴν ἀθανασίαν· ὥστε μὴ κατηγόρει αὐτῶν. Μῶμος: σιωπήσομαι, ὦ Ζεῦ, διὰ σέ, πολλὰ εἰπεῖν ἔχων. καίτοι εἰ μηδὲν ἄλλο, ἔτι τὰ σημεῖα ἔχουσι τοῦ πυρός. εἰ δὲ ἐξῆν καὶ πρὸς αὐτὸν σὲ τῇ παρρησίᾳ χρῆσθαι, πολλὰ ἂν εἶχον εἰπεῖν. Ζεύς: καὶ μὴν πρὸς ἐμὲ ἔξεστιν μάλιστα. μῶν δʼ οὖν κἀμὲ ξενίας διώκεις; Μῶμος: ἐν Κρήτῃ μὲν οὐ μόνον τοῦτο ἀκοῦσαι ἔστιν, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἄλλο τι περὶ σοῦ λέγουσιν καὶ τάφον ἐπιδεικνύουσιν· ἐγὼ δὲ οὔτε ἐκείνοις πείθομαι οὔτε Ἀχαιῶν Αἰγιεῦσιν ὑποβολιμαῖόν σε εἶναι φάσκουσιν.
7. But I do intend to speak of one thing that in my opinion ought by all means to be censured. It was you, Zeus, who began these illegalities and caused the corruption of our body politic by cohabiting with mortal women and going down to visit them, now in one form, now in another. It has gone so far that we are afraid that someone may make a victim of you if he catches you when you are a bull, or that some goldsmith may work you up when you are gold, and instead of Zeus we may have you turning up as a necklace or a bracelet or an earring. However that may be, you have filled heaven with these—demigods! I do not care to put it otherwise. And it is a very ridiculous state of things when one suddenly hears that Heracles has been appointed a god, but Eurystheus, who used to order him about, is dead; and that the temple of Heracles, who was a slave, and the tomb of Eurystheus, his master, stand side by side; and again, that in Thebes Dionysus is a god, but his cousins Pentheus, Actaeon, and Learchus were of all mankind the most ill-fated.
7. Μῶμος: ἃ δὲ μάλιστα ἐλεγχθῆναι δεῖν ἡγοῦμαι, ταῦτα ἐρῶ. τὴν γάρ τοι ἀρχὴν τῶν τοιούτων παρανομημάτων καὶ τὴν αἰτίαν τοῦ νοθευθῆναι ἡμῶν τὸ ξυνέδριον σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, παρέσχες θνηταῖς ἐπιμιγνύμενος καὶ κατιὼν παρʼ αὐτὰς ἐν ἄλλοτε ἄλλῳ σχήματι, ὥστε ἡμᾶς δεδιέναι μή σε καταθύσῃ τις ξυλλαβών, ὁπόταν ταῦρος ᾖς, ἢ τῶν χρυσοχόων τις κατεργάσηται χρυσὸν ὄντα, καὶ ἀντὶ Διὸς ἢ ὅρμος ἢ ψέλιον ἢ ἐλλόβιον ἡμῖν γένῃ. πλὴν ἀλλὰ ἐμπέπληκάς γε τὸν οὐρανὸν τῶν ἡμιθέων τούτων· οὐ γὰρ ἂν ἄλλως εἴποιμι. καὶ τὸ πρᾶγμα γελοιότατόν ἐστιν, ὁπόταν τις ἄφνω ἀκούσῃ ὅτι ὁ Ἡρακλῆς μὲν θεὸς ἀπεδείχθη, ὁ δὲ Εὐρυσθεύς, ὃς ἐπέταττεν αὐτῷ, τέθνηκεν, καὶ πλησίον Ἡρακλέους νεὼς οἰκέτου ὄντος καὶ Εὐρυσθέως τάφος τοῦ δεσπότου αὐτοῦ, καὶ πάλιν ἐν Θήβαις Διόνυσος μὲν θεός, οἱ δʼ ἀνεψιοὶ αὐτοῦ ὁ Πενθεὺς καὶ ὁ Ἀκταίων καὶ ὁ Λέαρχος ἀνθρώπων ἁπάντων κακοδαιμονέστατοι.
8. From the moment that you, Zeus, once opened our doors to such as they and turned your attention to mortal women, everyone else has copied you, and not the male sex alone but—what is most unseemly—even the goddesses. Who does not know about Anchises, Tithonus, Endymion, Iasion, and the rest of them? So I think I shall omit those incidents, for it would take too long if I were to pass censure on them. ZEUS Say nothing about Ganymede, Momus, for I shall be angry if you vex the little lad by disparaging his birth. MOMUS Then am I not to speak of the eagle, either, and say that he too is in heaven, where he sits upon your royal sceptre and all but nests on your head, passing for a god?
8. Μῶμος: ἀφʼ οὗ δὲ ἅπαξ σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, ἀνέῳξας τοῖς τοιούτοις τὰς θύρας καὶ ἐπὶ τὰς θνητὰς ἐτράπου, ἅπαντες μεμίμηνταί σε, καὶ οὐχ οἱ ἄρρενες μόνον, ἀλλʼ, ὅπερ αἴσχιστον, καὶ αἱ θήλειαι θεοί. τίς γὰρ οὐκ οἶδεν τὸν Ἀγχίσην καὶ τὸν Τιθωνὸν καὶ τὸν Ἐνδυμίωνα καὶ τὸν Ἰασίωνα καὶ τοὺς ἄλλους; ὥστε ταῦτα μὲν ἐάσειν μοι δοκῶ· μακρὸν γὰρ ἂν τὸ διελέγχειν γένοιτο. Ζεύς: μηδὲν περὶ τοῦ Γανυμήδους, ὦ Μῶμε, εἴπῃς· χαλεπανῶ γὰρ εἰ λυπήσεις τὸ μειράκιον ὀνειδίσας ἐς τὸ γένος. Μῶμος: οὐκοῦν μηδὲ περὶ τοῦ ἀετοῦ εἴπω, ὅτι καὶ οὗτος ἐν τῷ οὐρανῷ ἐστιν, ἐπὶ τοῦ βασιλείου σκήπτρου καθεζόμενος καὶ μονονουχὶ ἐπὶ κεφαλήν σοι νεοττεύων, θεὸς εἶναι δοκῶν;
9. Or must I omit him also, for the sake of Ganymede? But Attis at all events, Zeus, and Corybas and Sabazius —how did they get trundled in upon us? Or Mithras yonder, the Mede, with his caftan and his cap, who does not even speak Greek, so that he cannot even understand if one drinks his health? The result is that the Scythians—the Getae among them—seeing all this have told us to go hang, and now confer immortality on their own account and elect as gods whomsoever they will, in the selfsame way that Zamolxis, a slave, obtained fraudulent admission to the roster, getting by with it somehow or other.
9. Μῶμος: ἢ καὶ τοῦτον τοῦ Γανυμήδους ἕνεκα ἐάσομεν; ἀλλʼ ὁ Ἄττης γε, ὦ Ζεῦ, καὶ ὁ Κορύβας καὶ ὁ Σαβάζιος, πόθεν ἡμῖν ἐπεισεκυκλήθησαν οὗτοι, ἢ ὁ Μίθρης ἐκεῖνος, ὁ Μῆδος, ὁ τὸν κάνδυν καὶ τὴν τιάραν, οὐδὲ ἑλληνίζων τῇ φωνῇ, ὥστε οὐδʼ ἢν προπίῃ τις ξυνίησι; τοιγαροῦν οἱ Σκύθαι ταῦτα ὁρῶντες, οἱ Γέται αὐτῶν, μακρὰ ἡμῖν χαίρειν εἰπόντες αὐτοὶ ἀπαθανατίζουσι καὶ θεοὺς χειροτονοῦσιν οὓς ἂν ἐθελήσωσι, τὸν αὐτὸν τρόπον ὅνπερ καὶ Ζάμολξις δοῦλος ὢν παρενεγράφη οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως διαλαθών.
10. All that, however, is as nothing, Gods.—You there, you dog-faced, linen-vested Egyptian, who are you, my fine fellow, and how do you make out that you are a god, with that bark of yours? And with what idea does this spotted bull of Memphis receive homage and give oracles and have prophets? I take shame to mention ibises and monkeys and billy-goats and other creatures far more ludicrous that somehow or other have been smuggled out of Egypt into heaven. How can you endure it, Gods, to see them worshipped as much as you, or even more? And you, Zeus, how can you put up with it when they grow ram’s horns upon you?
10. Μῶμος: καίτοι πάντα ταῦτα, ὦ θεοί, μέτρια. σὺ δέ, ὦ κυνοπρόσωπε καὶ σινδόσιν ἐσταλμένε Αἰγύπτιε, τίς εἶ, ὦ βέλτιστε, ἢ πῶς ἀξιοῖς θεὸς εἶναι ὑλακτῶν; τί δὲ βουλόμενος καὶ ὁ ποικίλος οὗτος ταῦρος ὁ Μεμφίτης προσκυνεῖται καὶ χρᾷ καὶ προφήτας ἔχει; αἰσχύνομαι γὰρ ἴβιδας καὶ πιθήκους εἰπεῖν καὶ τράγους καὶ ἄλλα πολλῷ γελοιότερα οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως ἐξ Αἰγύπτου παραβυσθέντα ἐς τὸν οὐρανόν, ἃ ὑμεῖς, ὦ θεοί, πῶς ἀνέχεσθε ὁρῶντες ἐπʼ ἴσης ἢ καὶ μᾶλλον ὑμῶν προσκυνούμενα; ἢ σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, πῶς φέρεις ἐπειδὰν κριοῦ κέρατα φύσωσί σοι;
11. ZEUS All these points that you mention about the Egyptians are in truth unseemly. Nevertheless, Momus, most of them are matters of symbolism and one who is not an adept in the mysteries really must not laugh at them. MOMUS A lot we need mysteries, Zeus, to know that gods are gods, and dogheads are dogheads! ZEUS Never mind, I say, about the Egyptians. Some other time we shall discuss their case at leisure. Go on and name the others.
11. Ζεύς: αἰσχρὰ ὡς ἀληθῶς ταῦτα φὴς τὰ περὶ τῶν Αἰγυπτίων· ὅμως δʼ οὖν, ὦ Μῶμε, τὰ πολλὰ αὐτῶν αἰνίγματά ἐστιν, καὶ οὐ πάνυ χρὴ καταγελᾶν ἀμύητον ὄντα. Μῶμος: πάνυ γοῦν μυστηρίων, ὦ Ζεῦ, δεῖ ἡμῖν, ὡς εἰδέναι θεοὺς μὲν τοὺς θεούς, κυνοκεφάλους δὲ τοὺς κυνοκεφάλους. Ζεύς: ἔα, φημί, τὰ περὶ Αἰγυπτίων· ἄλλοτε γὰρ περὶ τούτων ἐπισκεψόμεθα ἐπὶ σχολῆς. σὺ δὲ τοὺς ἄλλους λέγε.
12. MOMUS Trophonius, Zeus, and (what sticks in my gorge beyond everything) Amphilochus, who, though the son of an outcast and matricide, gives prophecies, the miscreant, in Cilicia, telling lies most of the time and playing charlatan for the sake of his two obols. That is why you, Apollo, are no longer in favour; at present, oracles are delivered by every stone and every altar that is drenched with oil and has garlands and can provide itself with a charlatan—of whom there are plenty. Already the statue of Polydamas the athlete heals those who have fevers in Olympia, and the statue of Theagenes does likewise in Thasos; they sacrifice to Hector in Troy and to Protesilaus on the opposite shore, in the Chersonese. So, ever since we became so numerous, perjury and sacrilege have been increasing, and in general they have despised us—quite rightly.
12. Μῶμος: τὸν Τροφώνιον, ὦ Ζεῦ, καὶ ὃ μάλιστά με ἀποπνίγει, τὸν Ἀμφίλοχον, ὃς ἐναγοῦς ἀνθρώπου καὶ μητρολῴου υἱὸς ὢν μαντεύεται ὁ γενναῖος ἐν Κιλικίᾳ, ψευδόμενος τὰ πολλὰ καὶ γοητεύων τοῖν δυοῖν ὀβολοῖν ἕνεκα. τοιγαροῦν οὐκέτι σύ, ὦ Ἄπολλον, εὐδοκιμεῖς, ἀλλὰ ἤδη πᾶς λίθος καὶ πᾶς βωμὸς χρησμῳδεῖ, ὃς ἂν ἐλαίῳ περιχυθῇ καὶ στεφάνους ἔχῃ καὶ γόητος ἀνδρὸς εὐπορήσῃ, οἷοι πολλοί εἰσιν. ἤδη καὶ ὁ Πολυδάμαντος τοῦ ἀθλητοῦ ἀνδριὰς ἰᾶται τοὺς πυρέττοντας ἐν Ὀλυμπίᾳ καὶ ὁ Θεαγένους ἐν Θάσῳ, καὶ Ἕκτορι θύουσιν ἐν Ἰλίῳ καὶ Πρωτεσιλάῳ καταντικρὺ ἐν Χερρονήσῳ. ἀφʼ οὗ δʼ οὖν τοσοῦτοι γεγόναμεν, ἐπιδέδωκε μᾶλλον ἡ ἐπιορκία καὶ ἱεροσυλία, καὶ ὅλως καταπεφρονήκασιν ἡμῶν — εὖ ποιοῦντες.
13. Let this suffice on the subject of those who are base-born and fraudulently registered. But there are many outlandish names that have come to my ears, of beings not to be found among us and unable to exist at all as realities; and over these too, Zeus, I make very merry. Where is that famous Virtue, and Nature, and Destiny, and Chance? They are unsubstantial, empty appellations, excogitated by those dolts, the philosophers. All the same, artificial as they are, they have so imposed upon the witless that nobody is willing to do as much as sacrifice to us, knowing that though he offer ten thousand hecatombs, nevertheless “Chance” will effect what is “fated” and what has been “spun” for every man from the beginning. So I should like to ask you, Zeus, if you have anywhere seen either Virtue or Nature or Destiny. I know that you too are always hearing of them in the discussions of the philosophers, unless you are deaf, so as not to be able to hear them screaming. I still have plenty to say, but I will bring my speech to an end, for I notice that many are annoyed with me for my remarks, and are hissing, particularly those who have been touched to the quick by my frankness.
13. Μῶμος: καὶ ταῦτα μὲν περὶ τῶν νόθων καὶ παρεγγράπτων. ἐγὼ δὲ καὶ ξένα ὀνόματα πολλὰ ἤδη ἀκούων οὔτε ὄντων τινῶν παρʼ ἡμῖν οὔτε συστῆναι ὅλως δυναμένων, πάνυ, ὦ Ζεῦ, καὶ ἐπὶ τούτοις γελῶ. ἢ ποῦ γάρ ἐστιν ἡ πολυθρύλητος ἀρετὴ καὶ φύσις καὶ εἱμαρμένη καὶ τύχη, ἀνυπόστατα καὶ κενὰ πραγμάτων ὀνόματα ὑπὸ βλακῶν ἀνθρώπων τῶν φιλοσόφων ἐπινοηθέντα; καὶ ὅμως αὐτοσχέδια ὄντα οὕτω τοὺς ἀνοήτους πέπεικεν, ὥστε οὐδεὶς ἡμῖν οὐδὲ θύειν βούλεται, εἰδὼς ὅτι, κἂν μυρίας ἑκατόμβας παραστήσῃ, ὅμως τὴν τύχην πράξουσαν τὰ μεμοιραμένα καὶ ἃ ἐξ ἀρχῆς ἑκάστῳ ἐπεκλώσθη. ἡδέως ἂν οὖν ἐροίμην σε, ὦ Ζεῦ, εἴ που εἶδες ἢ ἀρετὴν ἢ φύσιν ἢ εἱμαρμένην; ὅτι μὲν γὰρ ἀεὶ καὶ σὺ ἀκούεις ἐν ταῖς τῶν φιλοσόφων διατριβαῖς, οἶδα, εἰ μὴ καὶ κωφός τις εἶ, ὡς βοώντων αὐτῶν μὴ ἐπαΐειν. πολλὰ ἔτι ἔχων εἰπεῖν καταπαύσω τὸν λόγον· ὁρῶ γοῦν πολλοὺς ἀχθομένους μοι λέγοντι καὶ συρίττοντας, ἐκείνους μάλιστα ὧν καθήψατο ἡ παρρησία τῶν λόγων.
14. To conclude, then, with your consent, Zeus, I shall read a motion on this subject which has already been committed to writing. ZEUS Read it, for not all your criticisms were unreasonable, and we must put a stop to most of this, so that it may not increase. Momus (reads) “With the blessing of Heaven! In a regular session of the assembly, held on the seventh of the month, Zeus presiding, Poseidon first vice-president, Apollo second vice-president, Momus, son of Night, recorder, the following resolution was proposed by Sleep: “WHEREAS many aliens, not only Greeks but barbarians, in nowise worthy of admission to our body politic, by obtaining fraudulent registration in one way or another and coming to be accounted gods have so filled heaven that our festal board is packed with a noisy rabble of polyglot flotsam; and WHEREas the ambrosia and the nectar have run low, so that a cup now costs a mina, on account of the vast number of drinkers; and wHereas in their boorishness they have thrust aside the ancient and genuine gods, have claimed precedence for themselves, contrary to all the institutions of our fathers, and want to be pre-eminently honoured on earth: therefore
14. Μῶμος: πέρας γοῦν, εἰ ἐθέλεις, ὦ Ζεῦ, ψήφισμά τι περὶ τούτων ἀναγνώσομαι ἤδη ξυγγεγραμμένον. Ζεύς: ἀνάγνωθι· οὐ πάντα γὰρ ἀλόγως ᾐτιάσω. καὶ δεῖ τὰ πολλὰ αὐτῶν ἐπισχεῖν, ὡς μὴ ἐπὶ πλεῖον ἂν γίγνηται. Μῶμος: ἀγαθῇ τύχῃ. ἐκκλησίας ἐννόμου ἀγομένης ἑβδόμῃ ἱσταμένου ὁ Ζεὺς ἐπρυτάνευε καὶ προήδρευε Ποσειδῶν, ἐπεστάτει Ἀπόλλων, ἐγραμμάτευε Μῶμος Νυκτὸς καὶ ὁ Ὕπνος τὴν γνώμην εἶπεν. Ἐπειδὴ πολλοὶ τῶν ξένων, οὐ μόνον Ἕλληνες ἀλλὰ καὶ βάρβαροι, οὐδαμῶς ἄξιοι ὄντες κοινωνεῖν ἡμῖν τῆς πολιτείας, παρεγγραφέντες οὐκ οἶδα ὅπως καὶ θεοὶ δόξαντες ἐμπεπλήκασι μὲν τὸν οὐρανὸν ὡς μεστὸν εἶναι τὸ συμπόσιον ὄχλου ταραχώδους πολυγλώσσων τινῶν καὶ ξυγκλύδων ἀνθρώπων, ἐπιλέλοιπε δὲ ἡ ἀμβροσία καὶ τὸ νέκταρ, ὥστε μνᾶς ἤδη τὴν κοτύλην εἶναι διὰ τὸ πλῆθος τῶν πινόντων· οἱ δὲ ὑπὸ αὐθαδείας παρωσάμενοι τοὺς παλαιούς τε καὶ ἀληθεῖς θεοὺς προεδρίας ἠξιώκασιν αὑτοὺς παρὰ πάντα τὰ πάτρια καὶ ἐν τῇ γῇ προτιμᾶσθαι θέλουσι·
15. “BE IT RESOLVED by the senate and the commons that a meeting of the assembly be convoked on Olympus at the time of the winter solstice; that seven gods of full standing be chosen as deputies, three to be from the old senate of the time of Cronus, and four from the Twelve, including Zeus; that these deputies before convening take the regular oath, invoking the Styx; that Hermes by proclamation assemble all who claim to belong to our body; that these present themselves with witnesses prepared to take oath, and with birth-certificates; that they then appear individually, and the deputies after investigation of each case either declare them to be gods or send them down to their sepulchres and the graves of their ancestors; and that if any one of those who shall fail of approval and shall have been expelled once for all by the deputies be caught setting foot in heaven, he be thrown into Tartarus;
15. Μῶμος: δεδόχθαι τῇ βουλῇ καὶ τῷ δήμῳ ξυλλεγῆναι μὲν ἐκκλησίαν ἐν τῷ Ὀλύμπῳ περὶ τροπὰς χειμερινάς, ἑλέσθαι δὲ ἐπιγνώμονας τελείους θεοὺς ἑπτά, τρεῖς μὲν ἐκ τῆς παλαιᾶς βουλῆς τῆς ἐπὶ Κρόνου, τέτταρας δὲ ἐκ τῶν δώδεκα, καὶ ἐν αὐτοῖς τὸν Δία· τούτους δὲ τοὺς ἐπιγνώμονας αὐτοὺς μὲν καθέζεσθαι ὀμόσαντας τὸν νόμιμον ὅρκον τὴν Στύγα, τὸν Ἑρμῆν δὲ κηρύξαντα ξυναγαγεῖν ἅπαντας ὅσοι ἀξιοῦσι ξυντελεῖν ἐς τὸ ξυνέδριον, τοὺς δὲ ἥκειν μάρτυρας ἐπαγομένους ἐνωμότους καὶ ἀποδείξεις τοῦ γένους. τοὐντεῦθεν δὲ οἱ μὲν παρίτωσαν καθʼ ἕνα, οἱ δὲ ἐπιγνώμονες ἐξετάζοντες ἢ θεοὺς εἶναι ἀποφανοῦνται ἢ καταπέμψουσιν ἐπὶ τὰ σφέτερα ἠρία καὶ τὰς θήκας τὰς προγονικάς. ἢν δέ τις ἁλῷ τῶν ἀδοκίμων καὶ ἅπαξ ὑπὸ τῶν ἐπιγνωμόνων ἐκκριθέντων ἐπιβαίνων τοῦ οὐρανοῦ, ἐς τὸν Τάρταρον ἐμπεσεῖν τοῦτον.
16. “AND BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that each ply his own trade; that Athena shall not heal the sick or Asclepius give oracles or Apollo combine in himself so many activities; he shall select one and be either seer or singer or physician;
16. Μῶμος: ἐργάζεσθαι δὲ τὰ αὐτοῦ ἕκαστον, καὶ μήτε τὴν Ἀθηνᾶν ἰᾶσθαι μήτε τὸν Ἀσκληπιὸν χρησμῳδεῖν μήτε τὸν Ἀπόλλω τοσαῦτα μόνον ποιεῖν, ἀλλὰ ἕν τι ἐπιλεξάμενον μάντιν ἢ κιθαρῳδὸν ἢ ἰατρὸν εἶναι.
17. that the philosophers be warned not to make up empty names or talk nonsense about matters of which they know nothing;
17. Μῶμος: τοῖς δὲ φιλοσόφοις προειπεῖν μὴ ἀναπλάττειν κενὰ ὀνόματα μηδὲ ληρεῖν περὶ ὧν οὐκ ἴσασιν.
18. that in the case of those who already have been vouchsafed temples or sacrifices, their images be pulled down and those of Zeus or Hera or Apollo or one of the others be substituted; but the city shall raise a funeral-mound for them and set a gravestone upon it instead of an altar; that if anyone shall fail to comply with this proclamation and shall be unwilling to appear before the deputies, judgement by default shall be rendered against him.” There you have the resolution.
18. Μῶμος: ὁπόσοι δὲ ἤδη ναῶν ἢ θυσιῶν ἠξιώθησαν, ἐκείνων μὲν καθαιρεθῆναι τὰ ἀγάλματα, ἐντεθῆναι δὲ ἢ Διὸς ἢ Ἥρας ἢ Ἀπόλλωνος ἢ τῶν ἄλλων τινός, ἐκείνοις δὲ τάφον χῶσαι τὴν πόλιν καὶ στήλην ἐπιστῆσαι ἀντὶ βωμοῦ. ἢν δέ τις παρακούσῃ τοῦ κηρύγματος καὶ μὴ ἐθελήσῃ ἐπὶ τοὺς ἐπιγνώμονας ἐλθεῖν, ἐρήμην αὐτοῦ καταδιαιτησάτωσαν. τοῦτο μὲν ὑμῖν τὸ ψήφισμα.
19. ZEUS It is most equitable, Momus; so let everyone who is in favour of the resolution hold up his hand—but no! I declare it carried, as those who will not vote for it will be the majority, I know. Well, you may go now; but when Hermes makes the proclamation, present yourselves, and let each of you bring unmistakable means of identification and clear proofs— his father’s name and his mother’s, why and how he became a god, and his tribe and clan. For if anyone shall fail to put all this in evidence, it will make no difference to the deputies that he has a huge temple on earth and that men believe him to be a god.
19. Ζεύς: δικαιότατον, ὦ Μῶμε· καὶ ὅτῳ δοκεῖ, ἀνατεινάτω τὴν χεῖρα· μᾶλλον δέ, οὕτω γιγνέσθω, πλείους γὰρ οἶδʼ ὅτι ἔσονται οἱ μὴ χειροτονήσοντες. ἀλλὰ νῦν μὲν ἄπιτε· ὁπόταν δὲ κηρύξῃ ὁ Ἑρμῆς, ἥκετε κομίζοντες ἕκαστος ἐναργῆ τὰ γνωρίσματα καὶ σαφεῖς τὰς ἀποδείξεις, πατρὸς ὄνομα καὶ μητρός, καὶ ὅθεν καὶ ὅπως θεὸς ἐγένετο, καὶ φυλὴν καὶ φράτορας. ὡς ὅστις ἂν μὴ ταῦτα παράσχηται, οὐδὲν μελήσει τοῖς ἐπιγνώμοσιν εἰ νεών τις μέγαν ἐν τῇ γῇ ἔχει καὶ οἱ ἄνθρωποι θεὸν αὐτὸν εἶναι νομίζουσιν.