---
title: "Zeus Rants · Ζεὺς Τραγῳδός"
author: "Lucian"
translator: "Austin Morris Harmon"
languages: [grc, en]
shelf: "Classical Greek"
url: https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-zeus-rants/
cite: "Lucian, tr. Austin Morris Harmon, Zeus Rants · Ζεὺς Τραγῳδός. Scriptura (scriptura.si), https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-zeus-rants/"
---

# Zeus Rants · Ζεὺς Τραγῳδός

*Lucian, tr. Austin Morris Harmon*

The gods watch nervously as a Stoic and an Epicurean debate on earth whether the gods exist.

> Greek: ed. Austin Morris Harmon, from the Perseus Digital Library (canonical-greekLit, tlg0062.tlg018, CC BY-SA 4.0).

> English: Austin Morris Harmon, from the Perseus Digital Library (tlg0062.tlg018.perseus-eng2). Notes are not included.

> Rows follow the references the two texts share (chapters and sections), cut where both reach the end of a sentence.

## Contents

1. [Sections 1–26](https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-zeus-rants/1.md)
2. [Sections 26–53](https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-zeus-rants/2.md)

## 1. Sections 1–26

Source: https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-zeus-rants/1/ · cite a paragraph as https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-zeus-rants/1/#p-N

[¶0] 1. HERMES:
What ails you, Zeus, in lone soliloquy
To pace about all pale and scholar-like?
Confide in me, take me to ease your toils:
Scorn not the nonsense of a serving-man. ATHENA:
Yea, thou sire of us all, son of Cronus, supreme among rulers,
Here at thy knees I beseech it, the grey-eyed Tritogeneia:
Speak thy thought, let it not lie hid in thy mind, let us know it.
What is the care that consumeth thy heart and thy soul with its gnawing?
Wherefore thy deep, deep groans, and the pallor that preys on thy features?

> Greek: 1. Ἑρμῆς:
Ὦ Ζεῦ, τί σύννους κατὰ μόνας σαυτῷ λαλεῖς,
ὠχρὸς περιπατῶν, φιλοσόφου τὸ χρῶμʼ ἔχων;
ἐμοὶ προσανάθου, λαβέ με σύμβουλον πόνων,
μὴ καταφρονήσῃς οἰκέτου φλυαρίας. Ἀθήνη:
ναὶ πάτερ ἡμέτερε, Κρονίδη, ὕπατε κρειόντων,
γουνοῦμαί σε θεὰ γλαυκῶπις, τριτογένεια,
ἐξαύδα, μὴ κεῦθε νόῳ, ἵνα εἴδομεν ἤδη,
τίς μῆτις δάκνει σε κατὰ φρένα καὶ κατὰ θυμόν,
ἢ τί βαρὺ στενάχεις ὦχρός τέ σε εἷλε παρειάς;

[¶1] ZEUS:
There’s nothing dreadful to express in speech,
No cruel hap, no stage catastrophe
That I do not surpass a dozen lines! ATHENA:
Apollo! what a prelude to your speech!

> Greek: Ζεύς: οὐκ ἔστιν οὐδὲν δεινὸν ὧδʼ εἰπεῖν ἔπος,
οὐδὲ πάθος οὐδὲ συμφορὰ τραγῳδική,
ἣν οὐκ ἰαμβείοις ὑπερπαίω δέκα. Ἀθήνη: Ἄπολλον, οἵοις φροιμίοις ἄρχῃ λόγου;

[¶2] ZEUS:
O utter vile hell-spawn of mother earth,
And thou, Prometheus—thou hast hurt me sore! ATHENA:
What isit? None will hear thee but thy kin.

> Greek: Ζεύς:
ὦ παγκάκιστα χθόνια γῆς παιδεύματα,
σύ τʼ, ὦ Προμηθεῦ, οἷά μʼ εἴργασαι κακά. Ἀθήνη: τί δʼ ἐστί; πρὸς χορὸν γὰρ οἰκείων ἐρεῖς.

[¶3] ZEUS:
Thundering stroke of my whizzing bolt, what a deed shalt thou do me!

> Greek: Ζεύς: ὦ μεγαλοσμαράγου στεροπᾶς ῥοίζημα, τί ῥέξεις;

[¶4] HERA: Lull your anger to sleep, Zeus, seeing that I’m no hand either at comedy or at epic like these two, nor have I swallowed Euripides whole so as to be able to play up to you in your tragedy réle.

> Greek: Ἥρα: Κοίμισον ὀργάν, εἰ μὴ κωμῳδίαν, ὦ Ζεῦ, δυνάμεθα ὑποκρίνεσθαι μηδὲ ῥαψῳδεῖν ὥσπερ οὗτοι μηδὲ τὸν Εὐριπίδην ὅλον καταπεπώκαμεν, ὥστε σοι ὑποτραγῳδεῖν.

[¶5] 2. HERA: Do you suppose we don’t know the reason of your. anguish?

> Greek: 2. Ἥρα: ἀγνοεῖν ἡμᾶς νομίζεις τὴν αἰτίαν τῆς λύπης ἥτις ἐστί σοι;

[¶6] ZEUS:
You know not: otherwise you ‘Id shriek and
scream.

> Greek: Ζεύς: οὐκ οἶσθʼ, ἐπεί τοι κἂν ἐκώκυες μέγα.

[¶7] HERA: I know that the sum and substance of your troubles is a love-affair; I don’t shriek and scream, though, because I am used to it, as you have already affronted me many a time in this way. It is likely that you have found another Danae or Semele or Europa and are plagued by love, and that you are thinking of turning into a bull or a satyr or a shower of gold, to fall down through the roof into the lap of your sweetheart, for these symptoms—groans and_tears and paleness—belong to nothing but love.

> Greek: Ἥρα: οἶδα τὸ κεφάλαιον αὐτὸ ὧν πάσχεις ὅτι ἐρωτικόν ἐστιν· οὐ μὴν κωκύω γε ὑπὸ ἔθους, ἤδη πολλάκις ὑβρισθεῖσα ὑπὸ σοῦ τὰ τοιαῦτα. εἰκὸς γοῦν ἤτοι Δανάην τινὰ ἢ Σεμέλην ἢ Εὐρώπην αὖθις εὑρόντα σε ἀνιᾶσθαι ὑπὸ τοῦ ἔρωτος, εἶτα βουλεύεσθαι ταῦρον ἢ σάτυρον ἢ χρυσὸν γενόμενον ῥυῆναι διὰ τοῦ ὀρόφου εἰς τὸν κόλπον τῆς ἀγαπωμένης· τὰ σημεῖα γὰρ ταῦτα, οἱ στεναγμοὶ καὶ τὰ δάκρυα καὶ τὸ ὠχρὸν εἶναι, οὐκ ἄλλου του ἢ ἔρωτός ἐστιν·.

[¶8] ZEUS: You simple creature, to think that our circumstances permit of love-making and such pastimes!

> Greek: Ζεύς: ὦ μακαρία, ἥτις ἐν ἔρωτι καὶ ταῖς τοιαύταις παιδιαῖς οἴει τὰ πράγματα ἡμῖν εἶναι.

[¶9] HERA: Well, if that isn’t it, what else is plaguing you? Aren’t you Zeus?

> Greek: Ἥρα: ἀλλὰ τί ἄλλο, εἰ μὴ τοῦτο, ἀνιᾷ σε Δία ὄντα;

[¶10] 3. ZEUS: Why, Hera, the circumstances of the gods are as bad as they can be, and as the saying goes, it rests on the edge of a razor whether we are still to be honoured and have our due on earth or are actually to be ignored completely and count for nothing.

> Greek: 3. Ζεύς: ἐν ἐσχάτοις, ὦ Ἥρα, τὰ θεῶν πράγματα, καὶ τοῦτο δὴ τὸ τοῦ λόγου, ἐπὶ ξυροῦ ἕστηκεν εἴτε χρὴ τιμᾶσθαι ἡμᾶς ἔτι καὶ τὰ γέρα ἔχειν τἀν τῇ γῇ εἴτε καὶ ἠμελῆσθαι παντάπασι καὶ τὸ μηδὲν εἶναι δοκεῖν.

[¶11] HERA: It can’t be that the earth has once more given birth to giants, or that the Titans have burst their bonds and overpowered their guard, and are once more taking up arms against us?

> Greek: Ἥρα: μῶν ἢ γίγαντάς τινας αὖθις ἡ γῆ ἔφυσεν, ἢ οἱ Τιτᾶνες διαρρήξαντες τὰ δεσμὰ καὶ τῆς φρουρᾶς ἐπικρατήσαντες αὖθις ἡμῖν ἐναντία αἴρονται τὰ ὅπλα;

[¶12] ZEUS:
Take heart: the gods have naught to fear from Hell.

> Greek: Ζεύς: θάρσει, τὰ νέρθεν ἀσφαλῶς ἔχει θεοῖς.

[¶13] HERA: Then what else that is terrible can happen? Unless something of that sort is worrying you, I don’t see why you should behave in our presence like a Polus or an Aristodemus instead of Zeus.

> Greek: Ἥρα: τί οὖν ἄλλο δεινὸν ἂν γένοιτο; οὐχ ὁρῶ γάρ, ὅτε μὴ τὰ τοιαῦτα παραλυποῖ, ἐφʼ ὅτῳ Πῶλος ἢ Ἀριστόδημος ἀντὶ Διὸς ἡμῖν ἀναπέφηνας.

[¶14] 4. ZEUS: Why, Hera, Timocles the Stoic and Damis the Epicurean had a dispute about Providence yesterday (I don’t know how the discussion began) in the presence of a great many men of high standing, and it was that fact that annoyed me most. Damis asserted that gods did not even exist, to say nothing of overseeing or directing events, whereas Timocles, good soul that he is, tried to take our part. Then a large crowd collected and they did not finish the conversation; they broke up after agreeing to finish the discussion another day, and now everybody is in suspense to see which will get the better of it and appear to have more truth on his side of the argument. You see the danger, don’t you? We are in a tight place, for our interests are staked on a single man, and there are only two things that can happen—we must either be thrust aside in case they conclude that we are nothing but names, or else be honoured as before if Timocles gets the better of it in the argument.

> Greek: 4. Ζεύς: Τιμοκλῆς, ὦ Ἥρα, ὁ Στωϊκὸς καὶ Δᾶμις ὁ Ἐπικούρειος χθές, οὐκ οἶδα ὅθεν σφίσιν ἀρξαμένου τοῦ λόγου, προνοίας πέρι διελεγέσθην παρόντων μάλα συχνῶν καὶ δοκίμων ἀνθρώπων, ὅπερ μάλιστα ἠνίασέ με· καὶ ὁ μὲν Δᾶμις οὐδʼ εἶναι θεοὺς ἔφασκεν, οὐχ ὅπως τὰ γινόμενα ἐπισκοπεῖν ἢ διατάττειν, ὁ Τιμοκλῆς δὲ ὁ βέλτιστος ἐπειρᾶτο συναγωνίζεσθαι ἡμῖν· εἶτα ὄχλου πολλοῦ ἐπιρρυέντος οὐδὲν πέρας ἐγένετο τῆς συνουσίας· διελύθησαν γὰρ εἰσαῦθις ἐπισκέψεσθαι τὰ λοιπὰ συνθέμενοι, καὶ νῦν μετέωροι πάντες εἰσίν, ὁπότερος κρατήσει καὶ ἀληθέστερα δόξει λέγειν. ὁρᾶτε τὸν κίνδυνον, ὡς ἐν στενῷ παντάπασι τὰ ἡμέτερα, ἐν ἑνὶ ἀνδρὶ κινδυνευόμενα; καὶ δυοῖν θάτερον ἢ παρεῶσθαι ἀνάγκη, ὀνόματα μόνον εἶναι δόξαντας, ἢ τιμᾶσθαι ὥσπερ πρὸ τοῦ, ἢν ὁ Τιμοκλῆς ὑπέρσχῃ λέγων.

[¶15] 5. HERA: A dreadful situation in all conscience and it wasn’t for nothing, Zeus, that you ranted over it.

> Greek: 5. Ἥρα: δεινὰ ταῦτα ὡς ἀληθῶς, καὶ οὐ μάτην, ὦ Ζεῦ, ἐπετραγῴδεις αὐτοῖς.

[¶16] ZEUS: And you supposed I was thinking of some Danaé or Antiope in all this confusion! Come now, Hermes and Hera and Athena, what can we do? You too, you know, must do your share of the planning.

> Greek: Ζεύς: σὺ δὲ ᾤου Δανάης τινὸς ἢ Ἀντιόπης εἶναι μοι λόγον ἐν ταράχῳ τοσούτῳ. τί δʼ οὖν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ καὶ Ἥρα καὶ Ἀθηνᾶ, πράττοιμεν ἄν; συνευρίσκετε γὰρ καὶ αὐτοὶ τὸ μέρος.

[¶17] HERMES: Ihold the question should be laid before the people; let’s call a meeting.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ἐγὼ μὲν ἐπὶ τὸ κοινόν φημι δεῖν τὴν σκέψιν ἐπανενεγκεῖν ἐκκλησίαν συναγαγόντα.

[¶18] HERA: I think the same as he does. ATHENA: But I think differently, father. Let’s not stir Heaven all up and show that you are upset over the business: manage it yourself in such a way that Timocles will win in the argument and Damis will be laughed to scorn and abandon the field.

> Greek: Ἥρα: κἀμοὶ ταὐτὰ συνδοκεῖ ἅπερ καὶ τούτῳ. Ἀθήνη: ἀλλʼ ἐμοὶ τἀναντία δοκεῖ, ὦ πάτερ, μὴ συνταράττειν τὸν οὐρανὸν μηδὲ δῆλον εἶναι θορυβούμενον τῷ πράγματι, πράττειν δὲ ἰδίᾳ ταῦτα ἐξ ὧν κρατήσει μὲν ὁ Τιμοκλῆς λέγων, ὁ Δᾶμις δὲ καταγελασθεὶς ἄπεισιν ἐκ τῆς συνουσίας.

[¶19] HERMES: But people won’t fail to know of it, Zeus, as the philosophers are to have their dispute in public, and they will think you a tyrant if you don't call everyone into counsel on such important matters of common concern to all.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ἀλλʼ οὔτε ἀγνοήσεται ταῦτα, ὦ Ζεῦ, ἐν φανερῷ ἐσομένης τῆς ἔριδος τοῖς φιλοσόφοις, καὶ δόξεις τυραννικὸς εἶναι μὴ κοινούμενος περὶ τῶν οὕτω μεγάλων καὶ κοινῶν ἅπασιν.

[¶20] 6. ZEUS: Well then, make a proclamation and let everyone come; you are right in what you say.

> Greek: 6. Ζεύς: οὐκοῦν ἤδη κήρυττε καὶ παρέστωσαν ἅπαντες· ὀρθῶς γὰρ λέγεις.

[¶21] HERMES: Hear ye, gods, assemble in meeting! Don’t delay! Assemble one and all! Come! We are to meet about important matters.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ἰδοὺ δὴ εἰς ἐκκλησίαν συνέλθετε οἱ θεοί· μὴ μέλλετε, συνέλθετε πάντες, ἥκετε, περὶ μεγάλων ἐκκλησιάσομεν.

[¶22] ZEUS: Is that the sort of proclamation you make, Hermes, so bald and simple and prosaic, and that too when you are calling them together on business of the greatest importance?

> Greek: Ζεύς: οὕτω ψιλά, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, καὶ ἁπλοϊκὰ καὶ πεζὰ κηρύττεις, καὶ ταῦτα ἐπὶ τοῖς μεγίστοις συγκαλῶν;

[¶23] HERMES: Why, how do you want me to do it, Zeus?

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ἀλλὰ πῶς γάρ, ὦ Ζεῦ, ἀξιοῖς;

[¶24] ZEUS: How do I want you to do it? Ennoble your proclamation, I tell you, with metre and_highsounding, poetical words, so that they may be more eager to assemble.

> Greek: Ζεύς: ὅπως ἀξιῶ; ἀποσέμνυνε, φημί, τὸ κήρυγμα μέτροις τισὶ καὶ μεγαλοφωνίᾳ ποιητικῇ, ὡς μᾶλλον συνέλθοιεν.

[¶25] HERMES: Yes, but that, Zeus, is the business of epic poets and reciters, and I am not a bit of a poet, so that I shall ruin the proclamation by making my lines too long or too short and it will be a laughing-stock to them because of the limping verses. In fact I see that even Apollo gets laughed at for some of his oracles, although they are generally so beclouded with obscurity that those who hear them don’t have much chance to examine their metres.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ναί. ἀλλʼ ἐποποιῶν, ὦ Ζεῦ, καὶ ῥαψῳδῶν τὰ τοιαῦτα, ἐγὼ δὲ ἥκιστα ποιητικός εἰμι· ὥστε διαφθερῶ τὸ κήρυγμα ἢ ὑπέρμετρα ἢ ἐνδεᾶ συνείρων, καὶ γέλως ἔσται παρʼ αὐτοῖς ἐπὶ τῇ ἀμουσίᾳ τῶν ἐπῶν· ὁρῶ γοῦν καὶ τὸν Ἀπόλλω γελώμενον ἐπʼ ἐνίοις τῶν χρησμῶν, καίτοι ἐπικρυπτούσης τὰ πολλὰ τῆς ἀσαφείας, ὡς μὴ πάνυ σχολὴν ἄγειν τοὺς ἀκούοντας ἐξετάζειν τὰ μέτρα.

[¶26] ZEUS: Well then, Hermes, put into the proclamation a lot of the verses which Homer used in calling us together; of course you remember them.

> Greek: Ζεύς: οὐκοῦν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, τῶν Ὁμήρου ἐπῶν ἐγκαταμίγνυε τὰ πολλὰ τῷ κηρύγματι, οἷς ἐκεῖνος ἡμᾶς συνεκάλει· μεμνῆσθαι δέ σε εἰκός.

[¶27] HERMES: Not at all as distinctly and readily as I might, but I'll have a try at it anyway:
Never a man of the gods bide away nor ever a woman,
Never a stream stay at home save only the river of Ocean,
Never a Nymph; to the palace of Zeus you're to come in a body,
There to confer. I bid all, whether feasters on hecatombs famous,
Whether the class you belong to be middle or lowest, or even
Nameless you sit beside altars that yield ye no savoury odours.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: οὐ πάνυ μὲν οὕτω σαφῶς καὶ προχείρως· πειράσομαι δὲ ὅμως.
μήτε τις οὖν θήλεια θεὸς... μήτε τις ἄρσην,
μηδʼ αὖ τῶν ποταμῶν μενέτω νόσφʼ Ὠκεανοῖο
μηδέ τε νυμφάων, ἀλλʼ ἐς Διὸς ἔλθετε πάντες
εἰς ἀγορήν, ὅσσοι τε κλυτὰς δαίνυσθʼ ἑκατόμβας,
ὅσσοι τʼ αὖ μέσατοι ἢ ὕστατοι ἢ μάλα πάγχυ
νώνυμνοι βωμοῖσι παρʼ ἀκνίσοισι κάθησθε.

[¶28] 7. ZEUS: Splendid, Hermes! an excellent proclamation, that. Indeed, they are coming together already, so take them in charge and seat each of them in his proper place according to his material and workmanhip, those of gold in the front row, then next to hem those of silver, then all those of ivory, then hose of bronze or stone, and among the latter let he gods made by Phidias or Alcamenes or Myron t Euphranor or such artists have precedence and et these vulgar, inartistic fellows huddle together in silence apart from the rest and just fill out the quorum.

> Greek: 7. Ζεύς: εὖ γε, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, ἄριστα κεκήρυκταί σοι, καὶ συνίασι γὰρ ἤδη· ὥστε παραλαμβάνων κάθιζε αὐτοὺς κατὰ τὴν ἀξίαν ἕκαστον, ὡς ἂν ὕλης ἢ τέχνης ἔχῃ, ἐν προεδρίᾳ μὲν τοὺς χρυσοῦς, εἶτα ἐπὶ τούτοις τοὺς ἀργυροῦς, εἶτα ἑξῆς ὁπόσοι ἐλεφάντινοι, εἶτα τοὺς χαλκοῦς ἢ λιθίνους, καὶ ἐν αὐτοῖς τούτοις οἱ Φειδίου μὲν ἢ Ἀλκαμένους ἢ Μύρωνος ἢ Εὐφράνορος ἢ τῶν ὁμοίων τεχνιτῶν προτετιμήσθων, οἱ συρφετώδεις δὲ οὗτοι καὶ ἄτεχνοι πόρρω που συνωσθέντες σιωπῇ ἀναπληρούντων μόνον τὴν ἐκκλησίαν.

[¶29] HERMES: It shall be done, and they shall be seated properly; but I had better find out about this; if one of them is of gold and very heavy, yet not precise in workmanship but quite ordinary and misshapen, is he to sit in front of the bronzes of Myron and Polyclitus and the marbles of Phidias and Alcamenes, or is precedence to be given to the art?

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ἔσται ταῦτα καὶ καθεδοῦνται ὡς προσήκει. ἀλλʼ ἐκεῖνο οὐ χεῖρον εἰδέναι, ἤν τις αὐτῶν χρυσοῦς μὲν ᾖ καὶ πολυτάλαντος τὴν ὁλκήν, οὐκ ἀκριβὴς δὲ τὴν ἐργασίαν, ἀλλὰ κομιδῇ ἰδιωτικὸς καὶ ἀσύμμετρος, πρὸ τῶν χαλκῶν τῶν Μύρωνος καὶ Πολυκλείτου καὶ τῶν Φειδίου καὶ Ἀλκαμένους λιθίνων καθεδεῖται ἢ προτιμοτέραν χρὴ νομίζειν εἶναι τὴν τέχνην;

[¶30] ZEUS: It ought to be that way, but gold must have precedence all the same.

> Greek: Ζεύς: ἐχρῆν μὲν οὕτως, ἀλλʼ ὁ χρυσὸς ὅμως προτιμητέος.

[¶31] HERMES: I understand: you tell me to seat them in order of wealth, not in order of merit; by valuation. Come to the front seats, then, you of gold.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: μανθάνω· πλουτίνδην κελεύεις ἀλλὰ μὴ ἀριστίνδην καθίζειν, καὶ ἀπὸ τιμημάτων· ἥκετʼ οὖν εἰς τὴν προεδρίαν ὑμεῖς οἱ χρυσοῖ.

[¶32] 8. HERMES: It is likely, Zeus, that none but foreigners will occupy the front row, for as to the Greeks you yourself see what they are like, attractive, to be sure, and good looking and artistically made, but all of marble or bronze, nevertheless, or at most in the case of the very richest, of ivory with just a little gleam of gold, merely to the extent of being superficially tinged and brightened, within while even these are of wood and shelter whole droves of mice that keep court inside. But Bendis here and Anubis over there and Attis beside him and Mithras and Men are of solid gold and heavy and very valuable indeed.

> Greek: 8. Ἑρμῆς: ἐοίκασι δʼ οὖν, ὦ Ζεῦ, οἱ βαρβαρικοὶ προεδρεύσειν μόνοι· ὡς τούς γε Ἕλληνας ὁρᾷς ὁποῖοί εἰσι, χαρίεντες μὲν καὶ εὐπρόσωποι καὶ κατὰ τέχνην ἐσχηματισμένοι, λίθινοι δὲ ἢ χαλκοῖ ὅμως ἅπαντες ἢ οἵ γε πολυτελέστατοι αὐτῶν ἐλεφάντινοι ὀλίγον ὅσον τοῦ χρυσοῦ ἐπιστίλβον ἔχοντες, ὡς ἐπικεχράνθαι καὶ ἐπηυγάσθαι μόνον, τὰ δὲ ἔνδον ὑπόξυλοι καὶ οὗτοι, μυῶν ἀγέλας ὅλας ἐμπολιτευομένας σκέποντες· ἡ Βενδῖς δὲ αὕτη καὶ ὁ Ἄνουβις ἐκεινοσὶ καὶ παρʼ αὐτὸν ὁ Ἄττις καὶ ὁ Μίθρης καὶ ὁ Μὴν ὁλόχρυσοι καὶ βαρεῖς καὶ πολυτίμητοι ὡς ἀληθῶς.

[¶33] 9. POSEIDON: Now why is it right, Hermes, for this dog-faced fellow from Egypt to sit in front of me when I am Poseidon?

> Greek: 9. Ποσειδῶν: καὶ ποῦ τοῦτο, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, δίκαιον, τὸν κυνοπρόσωπον τοῦτον προκαθίζειν μου τὸν Αἰγύπτιον, καὶ ταῦτα Ποσειδῶνος ὄντος;

[¶34] HERMES: That’s all very well, but Lysippus made you of bronze and a pauper because the Corinthians had no gold at that time, while this fellow is richer than you are by mines-full. So you must put up with being thrust aside and not be angry if one who has such a snout of gold is preferred before you.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ναί, ἀλλὰ σὲ μέν, ὦ ἐννοσίγαιε, χαλκοῦν ὁ Λύσιππος καὶ πτωχὸν ἐποίησεν, οὐκ ἐχόντων τότε Κορινθίων χρυσόν· οὗτος δὲ ὅλοις μετάλλοις πλουσιώτερός ἐστιν. ἀνέχεσθαι οὖν χρὴ παρεωσμένον, καὶ μὴ ἀγανακτεῖν εἴ τις ῥῖνα τηλικαύτην χρυσῆν ἔχων προτετιμήσεταί σου.

[¶35] 10. APHRODITE: Well then, Hermes, take me and seat me in the front row somewhere, for I am golden.
HERMES: Not as far as I can see, Aphrodite: unless I am stone blind, you are of white marble, quarried on Pentelicus, no doubt, and then, the plan having approved itself to Praxiteles, turned iuto Aphrodite and put into the care of the Cnidians. APHRODITE: But I'll prove it to you by a competent witness, Homer, who says all up and down his lays that I am “golden Aphrodite.”

> Greek: 10. Ἀφροδίτη: οὐκοῦν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, κἀμὲ λαβὼν ἐν τοῖς προέδροις που κάθιζε· χρυσῆ γάρ εἰμι.
Ἑρμῆς: οὐχ ὅσα γε, ὦ Ἀφροδίτη, κἀμὲ ὁρᾶν, ἀλλʼ εἰ μὴ πάνυ λημῶ, λίθου τοῦ λευκοῦ, Πεντέληθεν, οἶμαι, λιθοτομηθεῖσα, εἶτα δόξαν οὕτω Πραξιτέλει Ἀφροδίτη γενομένη Κνιδίοις παρεδόθης. Ἀφροδίτη: καὶ μὴν ἀξιόπιστόν σοι μάρτυρα τὸν Ὅμηρον παρέξομαι ἄνω καὶ κάτω τῶν ῥαψῳδιῶν χρυσῆν με τὴν Ἀφροδίτην εἶναι λέγοντα.

[¶36] HERMES: Yes, and the same man said that Apollo was rich in gold and wealthy, but now you'll see that he too is sitting somewhere among the middle class, uncrowned by the pirates and robbed of the pegs of his lyre. So be content yourself if you are not quite classed with the common herd in the meeting.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: καὶ γὰρ τὸν Ἀπόλλω ὁ αὐτὸς πολύχρυσον εἶναι ἔφη καὶ πλούσιον· ἀλλὰ νῦν ὄψει κἀκεῖνον ἐν τοῖς ζευγίταις που καθήμενον, ἀπεστεφανωμένον τε ὑπὸ τῶν λῃστῶν καὶ τοὺς κόλλοπας τῆς κιθάρας περισεσυλημένον. ὥστε ἀγάπα καὶ σὺ μὴ πάνυ ἐν τῷ θητικῷ ἐκκλησιάζουσα.

[¶37] 11. COLOSSUS OF RHODES: But who would make bold to rival me, when I ain Helius and so great in size? If the Rhodians had not wanted to make me monstrous and enormous, they might have made sixteen gods of gold at the same expense, so in virtue of this I should be considered more valuable. And I have art and precision of workmanship, too, for all my great size.
HERMES: What’s to be done, Zeus? This is a hard question to decide, at least for me; for if I should consider the material, he is only bronze, but if I compute how many thousands it cost to cast him, he would be more than a millionaire.

> Greek: 11. Κολοσσός Ῥοδίων: ἐμοὶ δὲ τίς ἂν ἐρίσαι τολμήσειεν Ἡλίῳ τε ὄντι καὶ τηλικούτῳ τὸ μέγεθος; εἰ γοῦν μὴ ὑπερφυᾶ μηδὲ ὑπέρμετρον οἱ Ῥόδιοι κατασκευάσασθαί με ἠξίωσαν, ἀπὸ τοῦ ἴσου τελέσματος ἑκκαίδεκα χρυσοῦς θεοὺς ἐπεποίηντο ἄν· ὥστε ἀνάλογον πολυτελέστερος ἂν νομιζοίμην. καὶ πρόσεστιν ἡ τέχνη καὶ τῆς ἐργασίας τὸ ἀκριβὲς ἐν μεγέθει τοσούτῳ.
Ἑρμῆς: τί, ὦ Ζεῦ, χρὴ ποιεῖν; δύσκριτον γὰρ ἐμοὶ γοῦν τοῦτο· εἰ μὲν γὰρ ἐς τὴν ὕλην ἀποβλέποιμι, χαλκοῦς ἐστιν, εἰ δὲ λογιζοίμην ἀφʼ ὁπόσων ταλάντων κεχάλκευται, ὑπὲρ τοὺς πεντακοσιομεδίμνους ἂν εἴη.

[¶38] ZEUS: Oh, why had he to turn up to disparage the smallness of the others and to disarrange the seating? See here, most puissant of Rhodians, however much you may deserve precedence over those of gold, how can you sit in the front row unless everyone else is to be obliged to stand up so that you alone can sit down, occupying the whole Pnyx with one of your hams? Therefore you had better stand up during the meeting and stoop over the assembly.

> Greek: Ζεύς: τί γὰρ ἔδει παρεῖναι καὶ τοῦτον ἐλέγξοντα τὴν τῶν ἄλλων μικρότητα καὶ ἐνοχλήσοντα τῇ καθέδρᾳ; πλὴν ἀλλʼ, ὦ Ῥοδίων ἄριστε, εἰ καὶ ὅτι μάλιστα προτιμητέος εἶ τῶν χρυσῶν, πῶς ἂν καὶ προεδρεύοις, εἰ μὴ δεήσει ἀναστῆναι πάντας ὡς μόνος καθέζοιο, τὴν Πνύκα ὅλην θατέρᾳ τῶν πυγῶν ἐπιλαβών; ὥστε ἄμεινον ποιήσεις ὀρθοστάδην ἐκκλησιάζων, ἐπικεκυφὼς τῷ συνεδρίῳ.

[¶39] 12. HERMES: Here is still another question that is hard to solve. Both of them are of bronze and of the same artistic merit, each being by Lysippus, and what is more they are equals in point of family, for both are sons of Zeus—I mean Dionysus here and Heracles. Which of them has precedence? Vor they are quarrelling, as you gee.

> Greek: 12. Ἑρμῆς: ἰδοὺ πάλιν ἄλλο δύσλυτον καὶ τοῦτο· χαλκῶ μὲν γὰρ ἀμφοτέρω ἐστὸν καὶ τέχνης τῆς αὐτῆς, Λυσίππου ἑκάτερον τὸ ἔργον, καὶ τὸ μέγιστον, ὁμοτίμω τὰ ἐς γένος, ἅτε δὴ Διὸς παῖδε, ὁ Διόνυσος οὑτοσὶ καὶ Ἡρακλῆς. πότερος οὖν αὐτῶν προκαθίζει; φιλονεικοῦσι γάρ, ὡς ὁρᾷς.

[¶40] ZEUS: We are wasting time, Hermes, when we should have been holding our meeting long ago, so for the present let them sit promiscuously wherever each wishes; some other day we shall call a meeting about this, and I shall then decide what order of precedence should be fixed in their case.

> Greek: Ζεύς: διατρίβομεν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, πάλαι δέον ἐκκλησιάζειν· ὥστε νῦν μὲν ἀναμὶξ καθιζόντων, ἔνθʼ ἂν ἕκαστος ἐθέλῃ, εἰσαῦθις δὲ ἀποδοθήσεται περὶ τούτων ἐκκλησία, κἀγὼ εἴσομαι τότε ἥντινα χρὴ ποιήσασθαι τὴν τάξιν ἐπʼ αὐτοῖς.

[¶41] 13. HERMES: Heracles! what a row they are making with their usual daily shouts: “Give us our shares!”’ “Where is the nectar?” “The ambrosia is all gone!” "Where are the hecatombs?” “Victims in common!”’

> Greek: 13. Ἑρμῆς: ἀλλʼ, Ἡράκλεις, ὡς θορυβοῦσι τὰ κοινὰ καὶ τὰ καθʼ ἡμέραν ταῦτα βοῶντες, διανομάς· ποῦ τὸ νέκταρ; ἡ ἀμβροσία ἐπέλιπεν· ποῦ αἱ ἑκατόμβαι; κοινὰς τὰς θυσίας.

[¶42] ZEUS: Hush them up, Hermes, so that they may learn why they were called together, as soon as they have stopped this nonsense.

> Greek: Ζεύς: κατασιώπησον αὐτούς, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, ὡς μάθωσιν ὅτου ἕνεκα συνελέγησαν τοὺς λήρους τούτους ἀφέντες.

[¶43] HERMES: Not all of them understand Greek, Zeus, and I am no polyglot, to make a proclamation that Scyths and Persians and Thracians and Celts can understand. I had better sign to them with my hand, I think, and make them keep still.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: οὐχ ἅπαντες, ὦ Ζεῦ, τὴν Ἑλλήνων φωνὴν συνιᾶσιν· ἐγὼ δὲ οὐ πολύγλωττός εἰμι, ὥστε καὶ Σκύθαις καὶ Πέρσαις καὶ Θρᾳξὶν καὶ Κελτοῖς συνετὰ κηρύττειν. ἄμεινον οὖν, οἶμαι, τῇ χειρὶ σημαίνειν καὶ παρακελεύεσθαι σιωπᾶν.

[¶44] ZEUS: Do so.

> Greek: Ζεύς: οὕτω ποίει.

[¶45] 14. HERMES: Good! There you have them, quieter than the sophists. It is time to make your speech, then. Come, come, they have been gazing at you this long time, waiting to see what in the world you are going to say.

> Greek: 14. Ἑρμῆς: εὖ γε, ἀφωνότεροι γεγένηνταί σοι τῶν σοφιστῶν. ὥστε ὥρα δημηγορεῖν. ὁρᾷς; πάλαι πρὸς σὲ ἀποβλέπουσι περιμένοντες ὅ τι καὶ ἐρεῖς.

[¶46] ZEUS: Well, Hermes, I need not hesitate to tell you how I feel, since you are my son. You know how confident and loud-spoken I always was in our meetings?

> Greek: Ζεύς: ἀλλʼ ὅ γε πέπονθα, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, οὐκ ἂν ὀκνήσαιμι πρὸς σὲ εἰπεῖν υἱὸν ὄντα. οἶσθα ὅπως θαρραλέος ἀεὶ καὶ μεγαληγόρος ἐν ταῖς ἐκκλησίαις ἦν.

[¶47] HERMES: Yes, and I used to be frightened when I heard you making a speech, above all when you threatened to pull up the earth and the sea from their foundations, with the gods to boot, letting down that cord of gold.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: οἶδα καὶ ἐδεδίειν γε ἀκούων σου δημηγοροῦντος, καὶ μάλιστα ὁπότε ἠπείλεις ἀνασπάσειν ἐκ βάθρων τὴν γῆν καὶ τὴν θάλασσαν αὐτοῖς θεοῖς τὴν σειρὰν ἐκείνην τὴν χρυσῆν καθείς.

[¶48] ZEUS: But now, my boy, I don’t know whether because of the greatness of the impending disasters or because of the number of those present (for the meeting is packed with gods, as you see), I am confused in the head and trembly and my tongue seems to be tied; and what is strangest of all, I have forgotten the introduction to the whole matter, which I prepared in order that my beginning might present them “a countenance most fair.”

> Greek: Ζεύς: ἀλλὰ νῦν, ὦ τέκνον, οὐκ οἶδα εἴτε ὑπὸ τοῦ μεγέθους τῶν ἐφεστώτων δεινῶν εἴτε καὶ ὑπὸ τοῦ πλήθους τῶν παρόντων — πολυθεωτάτη γάρ, ὡς ὁρᾷς, ἡ ἐκκλησία — διατετάραγμαι τὴν γνώμην καὶ ὑπότρομός εἰμι καὶ ἡ γλῶττά μοι πεπεδημένη ἔοικε· τὸ δὲ ἀτοπώτατον ἁπάντων, ἐπιλέλησμαι τὸ προοίμιον τῶν ὅλων, ὃ παρεσκευασάμην ὡς εὐπροσωποτάτη μοι ἡ ἀρχὴ γένοιτο πρὸς αὐτούς.

[¶49] HERMES: You have spoiled everything, Zeus. They are suspicious of your silence and expect to hear about some extraordinary disaster because you are delaying.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ἀπολώλεκας, ὦ Ζεῦ, ἅπαντα· οἱ δὲ ὑποπτεύουσι τὴν σιωπὴν καί τι ὑπέρμεγα κακὸν ἀκούσεσθαι προσδοκῶσιν, ἐφʼ ὅτῳ σὺ διαμέλλεις.

[¶50] ZEUS: Then do you want me to recite them my famous Homeric introduction?

> Greek: Ζεύς: βούλει οὖν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, τὸ Ὁμηρικὸν ἐκεῖνο προοίμιον ἀναρραψῳδήσω πρὸς αὐτούς;

[¶51] HERMES: Which one?

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: τὸ ποῖον;

[¶52] ZEUS: "Hark to me, all of the gods, and all the goddesses likewise.”

> Greek: Ζεύς: κέκλυτέ μευ πάντες τε θεοὶ πᾶσαί τε θέαιναι.

[¶53] HERMES: Tut, tut! you gave ws enough of your parodies in the beginning. If you wish, however, you can stop your tiresome versification and deliver one of Demosthenes’ speeches against Philip, any one you choose, with but little modification. Indeed, that is the way most people make speeches nowadays.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ἄπαγε, ἱκανῶς καὶ πρὸς ἡμᾶς πεπαρῴδηταί σοι τὰ πρῶτα. πλὴν εἰ δοκεῖ, τὸ μὲν φορτικὸν τῶν μέτρων ἄφες, σὺ δὲ τῶν Δημοσθένους δημηγοριῶν τῶν κατὰ Φιλίππου ἥντινα ἂν ἐθέλῃς σύνειρε, ὀλίγα ἐναλλάττων· οὕτω γοῦν οἱ πολλοὶ νῦν ῥητορεύουσιν.

[¶54] ZEUS: Good! That is a short cut to speechmaking and a timely help to anyone who doesn’t know what to say.

> Greek: Ζεύς: εὖ λέγεις ἐπίτομόν τινα ῥητορείαν καὶ ῥᾳδιουργίαν ταύτην εὔκαιρον τοῖς ἀπορουμένοις.

[¶55] 15. HERMES: Do begin, then.

> Greek: 15. Ἑρμῆς: ἄρξαι δʼ οὖν ποτε.

[¶56] ZEUS: Gentlemen of Heaven, in preference to great riches you would choose, I am sure, to learn why it is that you are now assembled. This being so, it behoves you to give my words an attentive hearing. The present crisis, gods, all but breaks out in speech and says that we must grapple stoutly with the issues of the day, but we, it seems to me, are treating them with great indifference. I now Jesire—my Demosthenes is running short, you see —to tell you plainly what it was that disturbed me nd mmade me call the meeting. Yesterday, as you know, when Mnesitheus the 1ip-captain made the offering for the deliverance of 's slip, which came near being lost off Caphereus, e banqueted at Piraeus, those of us whom nesitheus asked to the sacrifice. Then, after the atioms, you all went in different directions, wherpy each of you thought fit, but I myself, as it was Every late, went up to town to take my evening stroll in the Potters’ Quarter, reflecting as I went upon the stinginess of Mnesitheus. ‘To feast sixteen gods he had sacrificed only a cock, and a wheezy old cock at that, and four cakes of frankincense that were thoroughly well mildewed, so that they went right out on the coals and didn’t even give off enough smoke to smell with the tip of your nose; and yet he had promised whole herds of cattle while the ship was drifting on the rock and was inside the ledges.

> Greek: Ζεύς: ἀντὶ πολλῶν ἄν, ὦ ἄνδρες θεοί, χρημάτων ὑμᾶς ἑλέσθαι νομίζω, εἰ φανερὸν γένοιτο ὑμῖν ὅ τι δή ποτε ἄρα τοῦτό ἐστιν ἐφʼ ὅτῳ νῦν συνελέγητε. ὅτε τοίνυν τοῦτο οὕτως ἔχει, προσήκει προθύμως ἀκροᾶσθαί μου λέγοντος. ὁ μὲν οὖν παρὼν καιρός, ὦ θεοί, μονονουχὶ λέγει φωνὴν ἀφιεὶς ὅτι τῶν παρόντων ἐρρωμένως ἀντιληπτέον ἡμῖν ἐστιν, ἡμεῖς δὲ πάνυ ὀλιγώρως ἔχειν δοκοῦμεν πρὸς αὐτά. βούλομαι δὲ ἤδη — καὶ γὰρ ἐπιλείπει ὁ Δημοσθένης — αὐτὰ ὑμῖν δηλῶσαι σαφῶς, ἐφʼ οἷς διαταραχθεὶς συνήγαγον τὴν ἐκκλησίαν. χθὲς γάρ, ὡς ἴστε, Μνησιθέου τοῦ ναυκλήρου θύσαντος τὰ σωτήρια ἐπὶ τῇ νηῒ ὀλίγου δεῖν ἀπολομένῃ περὶ τὸν Καφηρέα, εἱστιώμεθα ἐν Πειραιεῖ, ὁπόσους ἡμῶν ὁ Μνησίθεος ἐπὶ τὴν θυσίαν ἐκάλεσεν· εἶτα μετὰ τὰς σπονδὰς ὑμεῖς μὲν ἄλλος ἄλλην ἐτράπεσθε, ὡς ἑκάστῳ ἔδοξεν, ἐγὼ δὲ — οὐδέπω γὰρ πάνυ ὀψὲ ἦν — ἀνῆλθον ἐς τὸ ἄστυ ὡς περιπατήσαιμι τὸ δειλινὸν ἐν Κεραμεικῷ, ἐννοῶν ἅμα τοῦ Μνησιθέου τὴν μικρολογίαν, ὃς ἑκκαίδεκα θεοὺς ἑστιῶν ἀλεκτρυόνα μόνον κατέθυσε, γέροντα κἀκεῖνον ἤδη καὶ κορυζῶντα, καὶ λιβανωτοῦ χόνδρους τέτταρας εὖ μάλα εὐρωτιῶντας, ὡς αὐτίκα ἐπισβεσθῆναι τῷ ἄνθρακι, μηδὲ ὅσον ἄκρᾳ τῇ ῥινὶ ὀσφραίνεσθαι τοῦ καπνοῦ παρασχόντας, καὶ ταῦτα ἑκατόμβας ὅλας ὑποσχόμενος ὁπότε ἡ ναῦς ἤδη προσεφέρετο τῷ σκοπέλῳ καὶ ἐντὸς ἦν τῶν ἑρμάτων.

[¶57] 16. ZEUS: But when, thus reflecting, I had reached the Painted Porch, I saw a great number of men gathered together, some inside, in the porch itself, a number in the court, and one or two sitting on the seats bawling and straining their lungs. Guessing (as was indeed the case) that they were philosophers of the disputatious order, I decided to stop and hear what they were saying, and as I happened to be wrapped im one of my thick clouds, I dressed myself after their style and lengthened my beard with a pull, making myself very like a philosopher; then, elbowing the rabble aside, I went in without being recognized. I found the Epicurean Damis, that sly rogue, and Timocles the Stoic, the best man in the world, disputing madly: at least Timocles was sweating and had worn his voice out with shouting, while Damnis with his sardonic laughter was making him more and more excited.

> Greek: 16. Ζεύς: ἐπεὶ δὲ ταῦτα ἐννοῶν γίγνομαι κατὰ τὴν Ποικίλην, ὁρῶ πλῆθος ἀνθρώπων πάμπολυ συνεστηκός, ἐνίους μὲν ἔνδον ἐν αὐτῇ τῇ στοᾷ, πολλοὺς δὲ καὶ ἐν τῷ ὑπαίθρῳ, καί τινας βοῶντας καὶ διατεινομένους ἐπὶ τῶν θάκων καθημένους. εἰκάσας οὖν ὅπερ ἦν, φιλοσόφους εἶναι τῶν ἐριστικῶν τούτων, ἐβουλήθην ἐπιστὰς ἀκοῦσαι αὐτῶν ὅ τι καὶ λέγουσι· καὶ — ἔτυχον γὰρ νεφέλην τῶν παχειῶν περιβεβλημένος — σχηματίσας ἐμαυτὸν εἰς τὸν ἐκείνων τρόπον καὶ τὸν πώγωνα ἐπισπασάμενος εὖ μάλα ἐῴκειν φιλοσόφῳ· καὶ δὴ παραγκωνισάμενος τοὺς πολλοὺς εἰσέρχομαι ἀγνοούμενος ὅστις εἴην. εὑρίσκω τε τὸν Ἐπικούρειον Δᾶμιν, τὸν ἐπίτριπτον, καὶ Τιμοκλέα τὸν Στωϊκόν, ἀνδρῶν βέλτιστον, ἐκθύμως πάνυ ἐρίζοντας· ὁ γοῦν Τιμοκλῆς καὶ ἵδρου καὶ τὴν φωνὴν ἤδη ἐξεκέκοπτο ὑπὸ τῆς βοῆς, ὁ Δᾶμις δὲ τὸ σαρδάνιον ἐπιγελῶν ἔτι μᾶλλον παρώξυνε τὸν Τιμοκλέα.

[¶58] 17. ZEUS: Their whole discussion was about us. That confounded Damis asserted that we do not exercise any providence in behalf of men and do not oversee what goes on among them, saying nothing less than that we do not exist at all (for that isof course what his argument implied), and there were some who applauded him. The other, however, I mean Timocles, was on our side and fought for us and got angry and took our part in every way, praising our management and telling how we govern and direct everything in the appropriate order and system; and he too had some who applauded him. But finally he grew tired and began to speak badly and the crowd began to turn admiring eyes on Damis; so, seeing the danger, I ordered night to close in and break up the conference. They went away, therefore, after agreeing to carry the dispute to a conclusion the next day, and I myself, going along with the crowd, overheard them praising Damis’ views on their way home and even then far preferring his side: there were some, however, who recommended them not to condemn the other side in advance but to wait and see what Timocles would say the next day.

> Greek: 17. Ζεύς: ἦν δὲ ἄρα περὶ ἡμῶν ὁ πᾶς λόγος αὐτοῖς· ὁ μὲν γὰρ κατάρατος Δᾶμις οὔτε προνοεῖν ἡμᾶς ἔφασκε τῶν ἀνθρώπων οὔτʼ ἐπισκοπεῖν τὰ γινόμενα παρʼ αὐτοῖς, οὐδὲν ἄλλο ἢ μηδὲ ὅλως ἡμᾶς εἶναι λέγων· τοῦτο γὰρ αὐτῷ δηλαδὴ ὁ λόγος ἐδύνατο· καὶ ἦσάν τινες οἳ ἐπῄνουν αὐτόν. ὁ δʼ ἕτερος τὰ ἡμέτερα ὁ Τιμοκλῆς ἐφρόνει καὶ ὑπερεμάχει καὶ ἠγανάκτει καὶ πάντα τρόπον συνηγωνίζετο τὴν ἐπιμέλειαν ἡμῶν ἐπαινῶν καὶ διεξιὼν ὡς ἐν κόσμῳ καὶ τάξει τῇ προσηκούσῃ ἐξηγούμεθα καὶ διατάττομεν ἕκαστα· καὶ εἶχε μέν τινας καὶ αὐτὸς τοὺς ἐπαινοῦντας. πλὴν ἐκεκμήκει γὰρ ἤδη καὶ πονήρως ἐφώνει καὶ τὸ πλῆθος εἰς τὸν Δᾶμιν ἀπέβλεπε —, συνεὶς δὲ ἐγὼ τὸ κινδύνευμα τὴν νύκτα ἐκέλευσα περιχυθεῖσαν διαλῦσαι τὴν συνουσίαν. ἀπῆλθον οὖν εἰς τὴν ὑστεραίαν συνθέμενοι εἰς τέλος ἐπεξελεύσεσθαι τὸ σκέμμα, κἀγὼ παρομαρτῶν τοῖς πολλοῖς ἐπήκουον μεταξὺ ἀπιόντων οἴκαδε παρʼ αὑτοὺς ἐπαινούντων τὰ τοῦ Δάμιδος καὶ ἤδη παρὰ πολὺ αἱρουμένων τὰ ἐκείνου· ἦσαν δὲ καὶ οἱ μὴ ἀξιοῦντες προκατεγνωκέναι τῶν ἐναντίων ἀλλὰ περιμένειν εἴ τι καὶ ὁ Τιμοκλῆς αὔριον ἐρεῖ.

[¶59] 18. ZEUS: That is why I called you together, gods, and it is no trivial reason if you consider that all our honour and glory and revenue comes from men, and if they are convinced either that there are no gods at all or that if there are they have no thought of men, we shall be without sacrifices, without presents and without honours on earth and shall sit idle in Heaven in the grip of famine, choused out of our old-time feasts and celebrations and games and sacrifices and vigils and processions. Such being the issue, I say that all must try to think out something to save the situation for us, so that Timocles will win and be thought to have the truth on his side of the argument and Damis will be laughed to scorn by the audience: for I have very little confidence that Timocles will win by himself if he has not our backing. Therefore make your lawful proclamation, Hermes, so that they may arise and give counsel. HERMES: Hark! Hush! No noise! Who of the gods in full standing that have the right to speak wants to do so? What’s this? Nobody arises? Are you dumfounded by the greatness of the issues presented, that you hold your tongues?

> Greek: 18. Ζεύς: ταῦτʼ ἔστιν ἐφʼ οἷς ὑμᾶς συνεκάλεσα, οὐ μικρά, ὦ θεοί, εἰ λογιεῖσθε ὡς ἡ πᾶσα μὲν ἡμῖν τιμὴ καὶ δόξα καὶ πρόσοδος οἱ ἄνθρωποί εἰσιν· εἰ δʼ οὗτοι πεισθεῖεν ἢ μηδὲ ὅλως θεοὺς εἶναι ἢ ὄντας ἀπρονοήτους εἶναι σφῶν αὐτῶν, ἄθυτα καὶ ἀγέραστα καὶ ἀτίμητα ἡμῖν ἔσται τὰ ἐκ γῆς καὶ μάτην ἐν οὐρανῷ καθεδούμεθα λιμῷ ἐχόμενοι, ἑορτῶν ἐκείνων καὶ πανηγύρεων καὶ ἀγώνων καὶ θυσιῶν καὶ παννυχίδων καὶ πομπῶν στερούμενοι. ὡς οὖν ὑπὲρ τηλικούτων φημὶ δεῖν ἅπαντας ἐπινοεῖν τι σωτήριον τοῖς παροῦσι καὶ ἀφʼ ὅτου κρατήσει μὲν ὁ Τιμοκλῆς καὶ δόξει ἀληθέστερα λέγειν, ὁ Δᾶμις δὲ καταγελασθήσεται πρὸς τῶν ἀκουόντων· ὡς ἔγωγε οὐ πάνυ τῷ Τιμοκλεῖ πέποιθα ὡς κρατήσει καθʼ ἑαυτόν, ἢν μὴ καὶ τὰ παρʼ ἡμῶν αὐτῷ προσγένηται. κήρυττε οὖν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, τὸ κήρυγμα τὸ ἐκ τοῦ νόμου, ὡς ἀνιστάμενοι συμβουλεύοιεν.

[¶60] 19. MOMUS:
Marry, you others may all into water and earth be converted;
but as for me, if I were privileged to speak frankly, I would have a great deal to say.

> Greek: 19. Ἑρμῆς: ἄκουε, σίγα, μὴ τάραττε· τίς ἀγορεύειν βούλεται τῶν τελείων θεῶν, οἷς ἔξεστι; τί τοῦτο; οὐδεὶς ἀνίσταται, ἀλλʼ ἡσυχάζετε πρὸς τὸ μέγεθος τῶν ἠγγελμένων ἐκπεπληγμένοι;
Μῶμος: ἀλλʼ ὑμεῖς μὲν πάντες ὕδωρ καὶ γαῖα γένοισθε· ἐγὼ δέ, εἴ γέ μοι μετὰ παρρησίας λέγειν δοθείη, πολλὰ ἄν, ὦ Ζεῦ, ἔχοιμι εἰπεῖν.

[¶61] ZEUS: Speak, Momus, with full confidence, for it is clear that your frankness will be intended for our common good.

> Greek: Ζεύς: λέγε, ὦ Μῶμε, πάνυ θαρρῶν· δῆλος γὰρ εἶ ἐπὶ τῷ συμφέροντι παρρησιασόμενος.

[¶62] MOMUS: Well then, listen, gods, to what comes straight from the heart, as the saying goes. I quite expected that we should wind up in this helpless plight and that we should have a great crop of sophists like this, who get from us ourselves the justification for their temerity; and I vow by Themis that it is not right to be angry either at Epicurus or at his associates and successors in doctrine if they have formed such an idea of us. Why, what could one expect them to think when they see so much confusion in life, and see that the good men among them are neglected and waste away in poverty and illness and bondage while scoundrelly, pestilential fellows are highly honoured and have enormous wealth and lord it over their betters, and that templerobbers are not punished but escape, while men who are guiltless of all wrong-dving sometimes die by the cross or the scourge?

> Greek: Μῶμος: οὐκοῦν ἀκούετε, ὦ θεοί, τά γε ἀπὸ καρδίας, φασίν· ἐγὼ γὰρ καὶ πάνυ προσεδόκων ἐς τόδε ἀμηχανίας περιστήσεσθαι τὰ ἡμέτερα καὶ πολλοὺς τοιούτους ἀναφύσεσθαι ἡμῖν σοφιστάς, παρʼ ἡμῶν αὐτῶν τὴν αἰτίαν τῆς τόλμης λαμβάνοντας· καὶ μὰ τὴν Θέμιν οὔτε τῷ Ἐπικούρῳ ἄξιον ὀργίζεσθαι οὔτε τοῖς ὁμιληταῖς αὐτοῦ καὶ διαδόχοις τῶν λόγων, εἰ τοιαῦτα περὶ ἡμῶν ὑπειλήφασιν. ἢ τί γὰρ αὐτοὺς ἀξιώσειέ τις ἂν φρονεῖν, ὁπόταν ὁρῶσι τοσαύτην ἐν τῷ βίῳ τὴν ταραχήν, καὶ τοὺς μὲν χρηστοὺς αὐτῶν ἀμελουμένους, ἐν πενίᾳ καὶ νόσοις καὶ δουλείᾳ καταφθειρομένους, παμπονήρους δὲ καὶ μιαροὺς ἀνθρώπους προτιμωμένους καὶ ὑπερπλουτοῦντας καὶ ἐπιτάττοντας τοῖς κρείττοσι, καὶ τοὺς μὲν ἱεροσύλους οὐ κολαζομένους ἀλλὰ διαλανθάνοντας, ἀνασκολοπιζομένους δὲ καὶ τυμπανιζομένους ἐνίοτε τοὺς οὐδὲν ἀδικοῦντας;

[¶63] 20. MOMUS: It is natural, then, that on seeing this they think of us as if we were nothing at all, especially when they hear the oracles saying that on crossing the Halys somebody will destroy a great kingdom, without indicating whether he will destroy his own or that of the enemy; and again
“Glorious Salamis, death shalt thou bring to the children of women,
for surely both Persians and Greeks were the children of women! And when the reciters tell them that we fall in love and get wounded and are thrown into chains and become slaves and quarrel among ourselves and have a thousand cares, and all this in spite of our claim to be blissful and deathless, are they not justified in laughing at us and holding us in no esteem? We, however, are vexed if any humans not wholly without wits criticize all this and reject our providence, when we ought to be glad if any of them continue to sacrifice to us, offending as we do.

> Greek: 20. Μῶμος: εἰκότως τοίνυν ταῦτα ὁρῶντες οὕτω διανοοῦνται περὶ ἡμῶν ὡς οὐδὲν ὅλως ὄντων, καὶ μάλιστα ὅταν ἀκούωσι τῶν χρησμῶν λεγόντων, ὡς διαβάς τις τὸν Ἅλυν μεγάλην ἀρχὴν καταλύσει, οὐ μέντοι δηλούντων, εἴτε τὴν αὑτοῦ εἴτε τὴν τῶν πολεμίων· καὶ πάλιν ὦ θείη Σαλαμίς, ἀπολεῖς δὲ σὺ τέκνα γυναικῶν. καὶ Πέρσαι γάρ, οἶμαι, καὶ Ἕλληνες γυναικῶν τέκνα ἦσαν. ὅταν μὲν γὰρ τῶν ῥαψῳδῶν ἀκούωσιν, ὅτι καὶ ἐρῶμεν καὶ τιτρωσκόμεθα καὶ δεσμούμεθα καὶ δουλεύομεν καὶ στασιάζομεν καὶ μυρία ὅσα πράγματα ἔχομεν, καὶ ταῦτα μακάριοι καὶ ἄφθαρτοι ἀξιοῦντες εἶναι, τί ἄλλο ἢ δικαίως καταγελῶσι καὶ ἐν οὐδενὶ λόγῳ τίθενται τὰ ἡμέτερα; ἡμεῖς δὲ ἀγανακτοῦμεν, εἴ τινες ἄνθρωποι ὄντες οὐ πάνυ ἀνόητοι διελέγχουσι ταῦτα καὶ τὴν πρόνοιαν ἡμῶν παρωθοῦνται, δέον ἀγαπᾶν εἴ τινες ἡμῖν ἔτι θύουσι τοιαῦτα ἐξαμαρτάνουσιν.

[¶64] 21. MOMUS: I beg you here and now, Zeus, as we are alone and there is no man in our gathering except Heracles and Dionysus and Ganymede and Asclepius, these naturalized aliens—answer me truly, have you ever had enough regard for those on earth to find out who are the good among them and who are the bad? No, you can’t say that you have! In fact, if Theseus on his way from Troezen to Athens had not incidentally done away with themarauders, as far as you and your providence are concerned nothing would hinder Sciron and Pityocamptes and Cereyon and the rest of them from continuing to live in luxury by slaughtering wayfarers. Andif Eurystheus, an upright man, full of providence, had not out of the love he bore his fellow men looked into the conditions everywhere and sent out this servant of his, a hard-working fellow eager for tasks, you, Zeus, would have paid little heed to the Hydra and the Stymphalian birds and the Thracian mares and the insolence and wantonness of the Centaurs.

> Greek: 21. Μῶμος: καί μοι ἐνταῦθα, ὦ Ζεῦ — μόνοι γάρ ἐσμεν καὶ οὐδεὶς ἄνθρωπος πάρεστι τῷ συλλόγῳ ἔξω Ἡρακλέους καὶ Διονύσου καὶ Γανυμήδους καὶ Ἀσκληπιοῦ, τῶν παρεγγράπτων τούτων — ἀπόκριναι μετʼ ἀληθείας, εἴ ποτέ σοι ἐμέλησεν ἐς τοσοῦτον τῶν ἐν τῇ γῇ, ὡς ἐξετάσαι οἵτινες αὐτῶν οἱ φαῦλοι ἢ οἵτινες οἱ χρηστοί εἰσιν· ἀλλʼ οὐκ ἂν εἴποις. εἰ γοῦν μὴ ὁ Θησεὺς ἐκ Τροιζῆνος εἰς Ἀθήνας ἰὼν ὁδοῦ πάρεργον ἐξέκοψε τοὺς κακούργους, ὅσον ἐπὶ σοὶ καὶ τῇ σῇ προνοίᾳ οὐδὲν ἂν ἐκώλυεν ζῆν ἐντρυφῶντας ταῖς τῶν ὁδῷ βαδιζόντων σφαγαῖς τὸν Σκείρωνα καὶ Πιτυοκάμπτην καὶ Κερκυόνα καὶ τοὺς ἄλλους· ἢ εἴ γε μὴ ὁ Εὐρυσθεύς, ἀνὴρ δίκαιος καὶ προνοητικός, ὑπὸ φιλανθρωπίας ἀναπυνθανόμενος τὰ παρʼ ἑκάστοις ἐξέπεμπε τουτονὶ τὸν οἰκέτην αὑτοῦ, ἐργατικὸν ἄνθρωπον καὶ πρόθυμον εἰς τοὺς πόνους, ὦ Ζεῦ, σὺ ὀλίγον ἐφρόντισας ἂν τῆς Ὕδρας καὶ τῶν ἐν Στυμφάλῳ ὀρνέων καὶ ἵππων τῶν Θρᾳκίων καὶ τῆς Κενταύρων ὕβρεως καὶ παροινίας.

[¶65] 22. MOMUS: If you would have me speak the truth, we sit here considering just one question, whether anybody is slaying victims and burning incense at our altars; everything else drifts with the current, swept aimlessly along. Therefore we are getting and shall continue to get no more than we deserve when men gradually begin to crane their necks upward and find out that it does them no good to sacrifice to us and hold processions. Then in a little while you shall see the Epicuruses and Metrodoruses and Damises laughing at us, and our pleaders overpowered and silenced by them. So it is for the rest of you to check and remedy all this, you who carried it so far. To me, being only Momus, it does not make much difference if I ain to be unhonoured, for even in bygone days I was not one of those in honour, while you are still fortunate and enjoy your sacrifices.

> Greek: 22. Μῶμος: ἀλλʼ εἰ χρὴ τἀληθῆ λέγειν, καθήμεθα τοῦτο μόνον ἐπιτηροῦντες, εἴ τις θύει καὶ κνισᾷ τοὺς βωμούς· τὰ δʼ ἄλλα κατὰ ῥοῦν φέρεται ὡς ἂν τύχῃ ἕκαστον παρασυρόμενα. τοιγαροῦν εἰκότα νῦν πάσχομεν καὶ ἔτι πεισόμεθα, ἐπειδὰν κατʼ ὀλίγον οἱ ἄνθρωποι ἀνακύπτοντες εὑρίσκωσιν οὐδὲν ὄφελος αὐτοῖς ὄν, εἰ θύοιεν ἡμῖν καὶ τὰς πομπὰς πέμποιεν. εἶτʼ ἐν βραχεῖ ὄψει καταγελῶντας τοὺς Ἐπικούρους καὶ Μητροδώρους καὶ Δάμιδας, κρατουμένους δὲ καὶ ἀποφραττομένους ὑπʼ αὐτῶν τοὺς ἡμετέρους συνηγόρους· ὥστε ὑμέτερον ἂν εἴη παύειν καὶ ἰᾶσθαι ταῦτα, τῶν καὶ ἐς τόδε αὐτὰ προαγαγόντων. Μώμῳ δὲ οὐ μέγας ὁ κίνδυνος, εἰ ἄτιμος ἔσται· οὐδὲ γὰρ πάλαι τῶν τιμωμένων ἦν, ὑμῶν ἔτι εὐτυχούντων καὶ τὰς θυσίας καρπουμένων.

[¶66] 23. ZEUS: Let us ignore this fellow’s nonsense, gods; he is always harsh and fault-finding. As that wonderful man Demosthenes says, to reproach and criticize and find fault is easy and anyone can do it, but to advise how a situation. may be improved requires a really wise counsellor; and this is what the rest of you will do, I am very sure, even if Momus says nothing.

> Greek: 23. Ζεύς: τοῦτον μέν, ὦ θεοί, ληρεῖν ἐάσωμεν ἀεὶ τραχὺν ὄντα καὶ ἐπιτιμητικόν· ὡς γὰρ ὁ θαυμαστὸς Δημοσθένης ἔφη, τὸ μὲν ἐγκαλέσαι καὶ μέμψασθαι καὶ ἐπιτιμῆσαι ῥᾴδιον καὶ παντός, τὸ δὲ ὅπως τὰ παρόντα βελτίω γενήσεται συμβουλεῦσαι, τοῦτʼ ἔμφρονος ὡς ἀληθῶς συμβούλου· ὅπερ οἱ ἄλλοι εὖ οἶδʼ ὅτι ποιήσετε καὶ τούτου σιωπῶντος.

[¶67] 24. POSEIDON: For my part I am pretty much subaqueous, as you know, and live by myself in the depths, doing my best to rescue sailors, speed vessels on their course and calm the winds. Nevertheless I am interested in matters here too, and I say that this Damis should be put out of the way before he enters the dispute, either with a thunderbolt or by some other means, for fear that he may get the better of it in the argument; for you say, Zeus, that he is a plausible fellow. At the same time we'll show them how we punish people who say such things against us.

> Greek: 24. Ποσειδῶν: ἐγὼ δὲ τὰ μὲν ἄλλα ὑποβρύχιός εἰμι, ὡς ἴστε, καὶ ἐν βυθῷ πολιτεύομαι κατʼ ἐμαυτόν, εἰς ὅσον ἐμοὶ δυνατὸν σώζων τοὺς πλέοντας καὶ παραπέμπων τὰ πλοῖα καὶ τοὺς ἀνέμους καταμαλάττων· ὅμως δʼ οὖν — μέλει γάρ μοι καὶ τῶν ἐνταῦθα — φημὶ δεῖν τὸν Δᾶμιν τοῦτον ἐκποδὼν ποιήσασθαι, πρὶν ἐπὶ τὴν ἔριν ἥκειν, ἤτοι κεραυνῷ ἤ τινι ἄλλῃ μηχανῇ, μὴ καὶ ὑπέρσχῃ λέγων — φὴς γάρ, ὦ Ζεῦ, πιθανόν τινα εἶναι αὐτόν· ἅμα γὰρ καὶ δείξομεν αὐτοῖς ὡς μετερχόμεθα τοὺς τὰ τοιαῦτα καθʼ ἡμῶν διεξιόντας.

[¶68] 25. ZEUS: Are you joking, Poseidon, or have you completely forgotten that nothing of the sort is in our power, but the Fates decide by their spinning that one man is to die by a thunderbolt, another by the sword and another by fever or consumption? If it lay in my power, do you suppose I would have let the temple-robbers get away from Olympia the other day unscathed by my thunderbolt, when they had shorn off two of my curls weighing six pounds apiece? Or would you yourself at Geraestus have allowed the fisherman from Oreus to filch your trident? Besides, it will look as if we were getting angry because we have been injured, and as if we feared the arguments of Damis and were making away with him for that reason, without waiting for him to be put to the proof by Timocles. Shall we not seem, then, to be winning by default if we win in that way?

> Greek: 25. Ζεύς: παίζεις, ὦ Πόσειδον, ἢ τέλεον ἐπιλέλησαι ὡς οὐδὲν ἐφʼ ἡμῖν τῶν τοιούτων ἐστίν, ἀλλʼ αἱ Μοῖραι ἑκάστῳ ἐπικλώθουσι, τὸν μὲν κεραυνῷ, τὸν δὲ ξίφει, τὸν δὲ πυρετῷ ἢ φθόῃ ἀποθανεῖν; ἐπεὶ εἴ γέ μοι ἐπʼ ἐξουσίας τὸ πρᾶγμα ἦν, εἴασα ἄν, οἴει, τοὺς ἱεροσύλους πρῴην ἀπελθεῖν ἀκεραυνώτους ἐκ Πίσης δύο μου τῶν πλοκάμων ἀποκείραντας ἓξ μνᾶς ἑκάτερον ἕλκοντας; ἢ σὺ αὐτὸς περιεῖδες ἂν ἐν Γεραιστῷ τὸν ἁλιέα τὸν ἐξ Ὠρεοῦ ὑφαιρούμενόν σου τὴν τρίαιναν; ἄλλως τε καὶ δόξομεν ἀγανακτεῖν λελυπημένοι τῷ πράγματι καὶ δεδιέναι τοὺς παρὰ τοῦ Δάμιδος λόγους καὶ διʼ αὐτὸ ἀποσκευάζεσθαι τὸν ἄνδρα, οὐ περιμείναντες ἀντεξετασθῆναι αὐτὸν τῷ Τιμοκλεῖ. ὥστε τί ἄλλο ἢ ἐξ ἐρήμης κρατεῖν οὕτω δόξομεν;

[¶69] POSEIDON: Why, I supposed I had thought of a short cut to victory?

> Greek: Ποσειδῶν: καὶ μὴν ἐπίτομόν τινα ταύτην ᾤμην ἐπινενοηκέναι ἔγωγε πρὸς τὴν νίκην.

[¶70] ZEUS: Avast! a stockfish idea, Poseidon, downright stupid, to make away with your adversary in advance so that he may die undefeated, leaving the question still in dispute and unsettled!

> Greek: Ζεύς: ἄπαγε, θυννῶδες τὸ ἐνθύμημα, ὦ Πόσειδον, καὶ κομιδῇ παχύ, προαναιρήσειν τὸν ἀνταγωνιστὴν ὡς ἀποθάνοι ἀήττητος, ἀμφήριστον ἔτι καὶ ἀδιάκριτον καταλιπὼν τὸν λόγον.

[¶71] POSEIDON: Well, then, the rest of you think of something else that is better, since you relegate my ideas to the stockfish in that fashion.

> Greek: Ποσειδῶν: οὐκοῦν ἄμεινόν τι ὑμεῖς ἄλλο ἐπινοεῖτε, εἰ τἀμὰ οὕτως ὑμῖν ἀποτεθύννισται.

[¶72] 26. APOLLO: If we young fellows without beards were permitted by law to take the floor, perhaps I might have made some contribution to the debate.

> Greek: 26. Ἀπόλλων: εἰ καὶ τοῖς νέοις ἔτι καὶ ἀγενείοις ἡμῖν ἐφεῖτο ἐκ τοῦ νόμου δημηγορεῖν, ἴσως ἂν εἶπόν τι συμφέρον εἰς τὴν διάσκεψιν.

[¶73] MOMUS: In the first place, Apollo, the debate is on such great issues that the right to speak does not go by age but is open to all alike; for it would be delicious if when we were in direst danger we quibbled about our rights under the law. Secondly, according to law _ you are already fully entitled to the floor, for you came of age long ago and are registered in the list of the Twelve Gods and almost were a member of the council in the days of Cronus. So don’t play the boy with us: say what you think boldly, and don’t be sensitive about speaking without a beard when you have such a long-bearded, hairy-faced son in Asclepius. Besides, it would be in order for you to show your wisdom now or never, unless you sit on Helicon and talk philosophy with the Muses for nothing.

> Greek: Μῶμος: ἡ μὲν σκέψις, ὦ Ἄπολλον, οὕτω περὶ μεγάλων, ὥστε μὴ καθʼ ἡλικίαν, ἀλλὰ κοινὸν ἅπασι προκεῖσθαι τὸν λόγον· χάριεν γάρ, εἰ περὶ τῶν ἐσχάτων κινδυνεύοντες περὶ τῆς ἐν τοῖς νόμοις ἐξουσίας μικρολογούμεθα. σὺ δὲ καὶ πάνυ ἤδη ἔννομος εἶ δημηγόρος, πρόπαλαι μὲν ἐξ ἐφήβων γεγονώς, ἐγγεγραμμένος δὲ ἐς τὸ τῶν δώδεκα ληξιαρχικόν, καὶ ὀλίγου δεῖν τῆς ἐπὶ Κρόνου βουλῆς ὤν· ὥστε μὴ μειρακιεύου πρὸς ἡμᾶς, ἀλλὰ λέγε θαρρῶν ἤδη τὰ δοκοῦντα, μηδὲν αἰδεσθεὶς εἰ ἀγένειος ὢν δημηγορήσεις, καὶ ταῦτα βαθυπώγωνα καὶ εὐγένειον οὕτως υἱὸν ἔχων τὸν Ἀσκληπιόν. ἄλλως τε καὶ πρέπον ἂν εἴη σοι νῦν μάλιστα ἐκφαίνειν τὴν σοφίαν, εἰ μὴ μάτην ἐν τῷ Ἑλικῶνι κάθησαι ταῖς Μούσαις συμφιλοσοφῶν.

[¶74] APOLLO: But it is not for you to give such permission, Momus; it is for Zeus, and if he lets me perhaps I may say something not without sweetness and light and worthy of my study on Helicon.

> Greek: Ἀπόλλων: ἀλλʼ οὐ σέ, ὦ Μῶμε, χρὴ τὰ τοιαῦτα ἐφιέναι, τὸν Δία δέ· καὶ ἢν οὗτος κελεύσῃ, τάχʼ ἄν τι οὐκ ἄμουσον εἴποιμι ἀλλὰ τῆς ἐν τῷ Ἑλικῶνι μελέτης ἄξιον.

## 2. Sections 26–53

Source: https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-zeus-rants/2/ · cite a paragraph as https://scriptura.si/works/lucian-zeus-rants/2/#p-N

[¶0] ZEUS: Speak, my boy: I give you permission.

> Greek: Ζεύς: λέγε, ὦ τέκνον· ἐφίημι γάρ.

[¶1] 27. APOLLO: This Timocles is an upright, God-fearing man and he is thoroughly up in the Stoic doctrines, so that he gives lessons to many of the young men -and collects large fees for it, being very plausible when he disputes privately with his pupils; but he utterly lacks the courage to speak before a crowd and his language is vulgar and half-foreign, so that he gets laughed at for that reason when he appears in public, for he does not talk fluently but stammers and gets confused, especially when in spite of these faults he wants to make a show of fine language. His intellect, to be sure, is exceedingly keen and subtle, as people say who know more than I about Stoicism, but in lecturing and expounding he weakens and obscures his points by his incapacity, not making his meaning clear but presenting propositions that are like riddles and returning answers that are still more unintelligible; hence the others failing to com- prehend, laugh at him. But it is essential to speak clearly, I think, and beyond all else to take great pains to be understood by the hearers.

> Greek: 27. Ἀπόλλων: ὁ Τιμοκλῆς οὗτος ἔστι μὲν χρηστὸς ἀνὴρ καὶ φιλόθεος καὶ τοὺς λόγους πάνυ ἠκρίβωκε τοὺς Στωϊκούς· ὥστε καὶ σύνεστιν ἐπὶ σοφίᾳ πολλοῖς τῶν νέων καὶ μισθοὺς οὐκ ὀλίγους ἐπὶ τούτῳ ἐκλέγει, σφόδρα πιθανὸς ὢν ὁπότε ἰδίᾳ τοῖς μαθηταῖς διαλέγοιτο· ἐν πλήθει δὲ εἰπεῖν ἀτολμότατός ἐστι καὶ τὴν φωνὴν ἰδιώτης καὶ μιξοβάρβαρος, ὥστε γέλωτα ὀφλισκάνειν διὰ τοῦτο ἐν ταῖς συνουσίαις, οὐ συνείρων ἀλλὰ βατταρίζων καὶ ταραττόμενος, καὶ μάλιστα ὁπόταν οὕτως ἔχων καὶ καλλιρρημοσύνην ἐπιδείκνυσθαι βούληται. συνεῖναι μὲν γὰρ εἰς ὑπερβολὴν ὀξύς ἐστι καὶ λεπτογνώμων, ὥς φασιν οἱ ἄμεινον τὰ τῶν Στωϊκῶν εἰδότες, λέγων δὲ καὶ ἑρμηνεύων ὑπʼ ἀσθενείας διαφθείρει αὐτὰ καὶ συγχεῖ, οὐκ ἀποσαφῶν ὅ τι βούλεται ἀλλὰ αἰνίγμασιν ἐοικότα προτείνων καὶ πάλιν αὖ πολὺ ἀσαφέστερα πρὸς τὰς ἐρωτήσεις ἀποκρινόμενος· οἱ δὲ οὐ συνιέντες καταγελῶσιν αὐτοῦ. δεῖ δὲ οἶμαι σαφῶς λέγειν καὶ τούτου μάλιστα πολλὴν ποιεῖσθαι τὴν πρόνοιαν, ὡς συνήσουσιν οἱ ἀκούοντες.

[¶2] 28. MOMUS: You were right, Apollo, in praising people who speak clearly, even though you yourself do not do it at all, for in your oracles you are ambiguous and riddling and you unconcernedly toss most of them into the debatable ground so that your hearers need another Apollo to interpret them. But what do you advise as the next step, what remedy for Timocles’ helplessness in debate?

> Greek: 28. Μῶμος: τοῦτο μὲν ὀρθῶς ἔλεξας, ὦ Ἄπολλον, ἐπαινέσας τοὺς σαφῶς λέγοντας, εἰ καὶ μὴ πάνυ ποιεῖς αὐτὸ σὺ ἐν τοῖς χρησμοῖς λοξὸς ὢν καὶ γριφώδης καὶ ἐς τὸ μεταίχμιον ἀσφαλῶς ἀπορρίπτων τὰ πολλά, ὡς τοὺς ἀκούοντας ἄλλου δεῖσθαι Πυθίου πρὸς τὴν ἐξήγησιν αὐτῶν. ἀτὰρ τί τὸ ἐπὶ τούτῳ συμβουλεύεις; τίνα ἴασιν ποιήσασθαι τῆς Τιμοκλέους ἀδυναμίας ἐν τοῖς λόγοις;

[¶3] 29. APOLLO: To give him a spokesman if possible, Momus, one of those eloquent chaps who will say fittingly whatever Timocles thinks of and suggests.

> Greek: 29. Ἀπόλλων: συνήγορον, ὦ Μῶμε, εἴ πως δυνηθείημεν, αὐτῷ παρασχεῖν ἄλλον τῶν δεινῶν τούτων, ἐροῦντα κατʼ ἀξίαν ἅπερ ἂν ἐκεῖνος ἐνθυμηθεὶς ὑποβάλῃ.

[¶4] MOMUS: Truly a puerilesuggestion which shows that you still need a tutor, that we should bring a spokesman into a meeting of philosophers to interpret the opinions of Timocles to the company, and that Damis should speak in his own person and unaided while the other, making use of a proxy, privately whispers his ideas into his ear and the proxy does the speaking, perhaps without even understanding what he hears, Wouldn’t that be fun for the crowd! No, let’s think of some other way to manage this thing.

> Greek: Μῶμος: ἀγένειον τοῦτο ὡς ἀληθῶς εἴρηκας, ἔτι παιδαγωγοῦ τινος δεόμενον, συνήγορον ἐν συνουσίᾳ φιλοσόφων παραστήσασθαι ἑρμηνεύσοντα πρὸς τοὺς παρόντας ἅπερ ἂν δοκῇ Τιμοκλεῖ, καὶ τὸν μὲν Δᾶμιν αὐτοπρόσωπον καὶ διʼ αὑτοῦ λέγειν, τὸν δὲ ὑποκριτῇ προσχρώμενον ἰδίᾳ πρὸς τὸ οὖς ἐκείνῳ ὑποβάλλειν τὰ δοκοῦντα, τὸν ὑποκριτὴν δὲ ῥητορεύειν, οὐδʼ αὐτὸν ἴσως συνιέντα ὅ τι ἀκούσειε. ταῦτα πῶς οὐ γέλως ἂν εἴη τῷ πλήθει; ἀλλὰ τοῦτο μὲν ἄλλως ἐπινοήσωμεν.

[¶5] 30. MOMUS: But as for you, my admirable friend, since you claim to be a prophet and have collected large fees for such work, even to the extent of getting ingots of gold once upon a time, why do you not give us a timely display of your skill by foretelling which of the sophists will win in the argument? Of course you know what the outcome will be, if you are a prophet: APOLLO: How can I do that, Momus, when we have no tripod here, and no incense or prophetic spring like Castaly?

> Greek: 30. Μῶμος: σὺ δέ, ὦ θαυμάσιε — φὴς γὰρ καὶ μάντις εἶναι καὶ μισθοὺς οὐκ ὀλίγους ἐπὶ τῷ τοιούτῳ ἐξέλεξας ἄχρι τοῦ καὶ πλίνθους χρυσᾶς ποτε εἰληφέναι — τί οὐκ ἐπεδείξω ἡμῖν κατὰ καιρὸν τὴν τέχνην προειπὼν ὁπότερος τῶν σοφιστῶν κρατήσει λέγων; οἶσθα γάρ που τὸ ἀποβησόμενον μάντις ὤν.
Ἀπόλλων: πῶς, ὦ Μῶμε, δυνατὸν ποιεῖν ταῦτα μήτε τρίποδος ἡμῖν παρόντος μήτε θυμιαμάτων ἢ πηγῆς μαντικῆς οἵα ἡ Κασταλία ἐστίν;

[¶6] MOMUS: There now! you dodge the test when it comes to the pinch.

> Greek: Μῶμος: ὁρᾷς; ἀποδιδράσκεις τὸν ἔλεγχον ἐν στενῷ ἐχόμενος.

[¶7] ZEUS: Speak up, my boy, all the same, and don’t give this libeller a chance to malign and insult your profession by saying that it all depends on a tripod and water and incense, so that if you didn’t have those things you would be deprived of your skill.

> Greek: Ζεύς: ὅμως, ὦ τέκνον, εἰπὲ καὶ μὴ παράσχῃς τῷ συκοφάντῃ τούτῳ ἀφορμὰς διαβάλλειν καὶ χλευάζειν τὰ σὰ ὡς ἐπὶ τρίποδι καὶ ὕδατι καὶ λιβανωτῷ κείμενα, ὡς, εἰ μὴ ἔχοις ταῦτα, στερησόμενόν σε τῆς τέχνης.

[¶8] APOLLO: It would be better, father, to do such business at Delphi or Colophon where I have all the necessaries at hand, in the usual way. However, even thus devoid of them and unequipped, I will try to foretell whose the victory shall be: you will bear with me if my verses are lame.

> Greek: Ἀπόλλων: ἄμεινον μὲν ἦν, ὦ πάτερ, ἐν Δελφοῖς ἢ Κολοφῶνι τὰ τοιαῦτα ποιεῖν, ἁπάντων μοι τῶν χρησίμων παρόντων, ὡς ἔθος. ὅμως δὲ καὶ οὕτω γυμνὸς ἐκείνων καὶ ἄσκευος πειράσομαι προειπεῖν ὁποτέρου τὸ κράτος ἔσται· ἀνέξεσθε δέ, εἰ μὴ ἔμμετρα λέγοιμι.

[¶9] MOMUS: Do speak; but let it be clear, and not itself in need of a spokesman or an interpreter. It is not now a question of lamb and turtle cooking together in Lydia, but you know what the debate is about.

> Greek: Μῶμος: λέγε μόνον, σαφῆ δέ, ὦ Ἄπολλον, καὶ οὐ συνηγόρου καὶ αὐτὰ ἢ ἑρμηνέως δεόμενα· καὶ γὰρ οὐκ ἄρνεια κρέα καὶ χελώνη νῦν ἐν Λυδίᾳ συνέψεται· ἀλλὰ οἶσθα περὶ ὅτου ἡ σκέψις.

[¶10] ZEUS: What in the world are you going to say, my boy? These preliminaries to your oracle are terrifying in themselves; your colour is changed, your eyes are rolling, your hair stands on end, your movements are frenzied, and in a word everything about you suggests demoniacal possession and gooseflesh and mysteries.

> Greek: Ζεύς: Τί ποτε ἐρεῖς, ὦ τέκνον; ὡς τά γε πρὸ τοῦ χρησμοῦ ταῦτα ἤδη φοβερά· ἡ χρόα τετραμμένη, οἱ ὀφθαλμοὶ περιφερεῖς, κόμη ἀνασοβουμένη, κίνημα κορυβαντῶδες, καὶ ὅλως κατόχιμα πάντα καὶ φρικώδη καὶ μυστικά.

[¶11] 31. APOLLO:
Hark to the words of the prophet, oracular words of Apollo,
Touching the shivery strife in which heroes are facing each other.
Loudly they shout in the battle, and fast-flying words are their weapons;
Many a blow while the hisses of conflict are ebbing and flowing
This way and that shall be dealt on the crest of the plowtail stubborn;
Yet when the hook-taloned vulture the grasshopper grips in his clutches,
Then shall the rainbearing crows make an end of their cawing forever:
Vict’ry shall go to the mules, and the ass will rejoice in his offspring!

> Greek: 31. Ἀπόλλων:
κέκλυτε μαντιπόλου τόδε θέσφατον Ἀπόλλωνος
ἀμφʼ ἔριδος κρυερῆς, τὴν ἀνέρες ἐστήσαντο
ὀξυβόαι, μύθοισι κορυσσόμενοι πυκινοῖσι.
πολλὰ γὰρ ἔνθα καὶ ἔνθα μόθου ἑτεραλκέϊ κλωγμῷ
ταρφέος ἄκρα κόρυμβα καταπλήσσουσιν ἐχέτλης.
ἀλλʼ ὅταν αἰγυπιὸς γαμψώνυχος ἀκρίδα μάρψῃ,
δὴ τότε λοίσθιον ὀμβροφόροι κλάγξουσι κορῶναι.
νίκη δʼ ἡμιόνων, ὁ δʼ ὄνος θοὰ τέκνα κορύψει.

[¶12] ZEUS: What are you guffawing about, Momus? Surely there is nothing to laugh at in the situation we are facing. Stop, hang you! You'll choke yourself to death with your laughing.

> Greek: Ζεύς: τί τοῦτο ἀνεκάγχασας, ὦ Μῶμε; καὶ μὴν οὐ γελοῖα τὰ ἐν ποσί· παῦσαι κακόδαιμον, ἀποπνιγήσῃ ὑπὸ τοῦ γέλωτος.

[¶13] MOMUS: How can I, Zeus, when the oracle is so clear and manifest?

> Greek: Μῶμος: καὶ πῶς δυνατόν, ὦ Ζεῦ, ἐφʼ οὕτω σαφεῖ καὶ προδήλῳ τῷ χρησμῷ;

[¶14] ZEUS: Well then, suppose you tell us what in the world it means.

> Greek: Ζεύς: οὐκοῦν καὶ ἡμῖν ἤδη ἑρμηνεύοις ἂν αὐτὸν ὅ τι καὶ λέγει.

[¶15] MOMUS: It is quite manifest, so that we shan’t need a Themistocles.. The prophecy says as plainly as you please that this fellow is a humbug and that you who believe in him are pack-asses and mules, without as much sense as grasshoppers.

> Greek: Μῶμος: πάνυ πρόδηλα, ὥστε οὐδὲν ἡμῖν Θεμιστοκλέους δεήσει· φησὶ γὰρ τὸ λόγιον οὑτωσὶ διαρρήδην γόητα μὲν εἶναι τοῦτον, ὑμᾶς δὲ ὄνους κανθηλίους νὴ Δία καὶ ἡμιόνους, τοὺς πιστεύοντας αὐτῷ, οὐδʼ ὅσον αἱ ἀκρίδες τὸν νοῦν ἔχοντας.

[¶16] 32. HERACLES: As for me, father, though I am but an alien I.shall not hesitate to say what I think. When they have met and are disputing, if Timocles gets the better of it, let’s allow the discussion about us to proceed; but if it turns out at all adversely, in that case, if you approve, I myself will at once shake the porch and throw it down on Damis, so that he may not affront us, confound him!
ZEUS: In the name of Heracles! that was a loutish, horribly Boeotian thing you said, Heracles, to involve so many honest men in the destruction of a single rascal, and the porch too, with its Marathon and Miltiades and Cynegirus! If they should collapse how could the orators orate any more? They would be robbed of their principal topic for speeches. Moreover, although while you were alive you could no doubt have done something of the sort, since you have become a god you have found out, I suppose, that only the Fates can do such things; and that we have no part in them. HERACLES: So when I killed the lion or the Hydra, the Fates did it through my agency?

> Greek: 32. Ἡρακλῆς: ἐγὼ δέ, ὦ πάτερ, εἰ καὶ μέτοικός εἰμι, οὐκ ὀκνήσω ὅμως τὰ δοκοῦντά μοι εἰπεῖν· ὁπόταν γὰρ ἤδη συνελθόντες διαλέγωνται, τηνικαῦτα, ἢν μὲν ὁ Τιμοκλῆς ὑπέρσχῃ, ἐάσωμεν προχωρεῖν τὴν συνουσίαν ὑπὲρ ἡμῶν, ἢν δέ τι ἑτεροῖον ἀποβαίνῃ, τότε ἤδη τὴν στοὰν αὐτὴν ἔγωγε, εἰ δοκεῖ, διασείσας ἐμβαλῶ τῷ Δάμιδι, ὡς μὴ κατάρατος ὢν ὑβρίζῃ ἐς ἡμᾶς.
Ζεύς: Ἡράκλεις, ὦ Ἡράκλεις, ἄγροικον τοῦτο εἴρηκας καὶ δεινῶς Βοιώτιον, συναπολέσαι ἑνὶ πονηρῷ τοσούτους χρηστούς, καὶ προσέτι τὴν στοὰν αὐτῷ Μαραθῶνι καὶ Μιλτιάδῃ καὶ Κυνεγείρῳ. καὶ πῶς ἂν τούτων συνεμπεσόντων οἱ ῥήτορες ἔτι ῥητορεύοιεν, τὴν μεγίστην εἰς τοὺς λόγους ὑπόθεσιν ἀφῃρημένοι; ἄλλως τε ζῶντι μέν σοι δυνατὸν ἴσως ἦν τι πρᾶξαι τοιοῦτον, ἀφʼ οὗ δὲ θεὸς γεγένησαι, μεμάθηκας, οἶμαι, ὡς αἱ Μοῖραι μόναι τὰ τοιαῦτα δύνανται, ἡμεῖς δὲ αὐτῶν ἄμοιροί ἐσμεν. Ἡρακλῆς: οὐκοῦν καὶ ὁπότε τὸν λέοντα ἢ τὴν ὕδραν ἐφόνευον, αἱ Μοῖραι διʼ ἐμοῦ ἐκεῖνα ἔπραττον;

[¶17] ZEUS: Why, certainly! HERACLES: And now, in case anyone affronts me by robbing my temple or upsetting my image, can’t I exterminate him unless it was long ago settled that way by the Fates?

> Greek: Ζεύς: καὶ μάλα. Ἡρακλῆς: καὶ νῦν ἤν τις ὑβρίζῃ εἰς ἐμὲ ἢ περισυλῶν μου τὸν νεὼν ἢ ἀνατρέπων τὸ ἄγαλμα, ἢν μὴ ταῖς Μοίραις πάλαι δεδογμένον ᾖ, οὐκ ἐπιτρίψω αὐτόν;

[¶18] ZEUS: No, not by any means. HERACLES: Then hear me frankly, Zeus, for as the comic poet puts it,
I'm but a boor and call a spade a spade.
If that is the way things stand here with you, I shall say good-bye forever to the honours here and the odour of sacrifice and the blood of victims and go down to Hell, where with my bow uncascd I can at least frighten the ghosts of the animals I have slain.

> Greek: Ζεύς: οὐδαμῶς. Ἡρακλῆς: οὐκοῦν ἄκουσον, ὦ Ζεῦ, μετὰ παρρησίας· ἐγὼ γάρ, ὡς ὁ κωμικὸς ἔφη, ἄγροικός εἰμι τὴν σκάφην σκάφην λέγων· εἰ τοιαῦτά ἐστι τὰ ὑμέτερα, μακρὰ χαίρειν φράσας ταῖς ἐνταῦθα τιμαῖς καὶ κνίσῃ καὶ ἱερείων αἵματι κάτειμι εἰς τὸν Ἅιδην, ὅπου με γυμνὸν τὸ τόξον ἔχοντα κἂν τὰ εἴδωλα φοβήσεται τῶν ὑπʼ ἐμοῦ πεφονευμένων θηρίων.

[¶19] ZEUS: Bravo! testimony from the inside, as the saying goes. Really you would have done us a great service if you had given Damis a hint to say that.

> Greek: Ζεύς: εὖ γε, οἴκοθεν ὁ μάρτυς, φασίν· ἀπέσωσάς γʼ ἂν οὖν τῷ Δάμιδι ταῦτα εἰπεῖν ὑποβαλών.

[¶20] 33. ZEUS: But who is this coming up in hot haste, the one of bronze, with the fine tooling and the fine contours, with his hair tied up in the old-fashioned way? Oh yes, it is your brother, Hermes, the one of the public square, beside the Painted Porch. At any rate he is all covered with pitch from being cast every day by the sculptors. My lad, what brings you here at a run? Do you bring us news from earth, by any chance? HERMAGORAS: Important news, Zeus, that requires unlimited attention.

> Greek: 33. Ζεύς: ἀλλὰ τίς ὁ σπουδῇ προσιὼν οὗτός ἐστιν, ὁ χαλκοῦς, ὁ εὔγραμμος καὶ εὐπερίγραφος, ὁ ἀρχαῖος τὴν ἀνάδεσιν τῆς κόμης; μᾶλλον δὲ ὁ σός, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, ἀδελφός ἐστιν, ὁ ἀγοραῖος, ὁ παρὰ τὴν Ποικίλην· πίττης γοῦν ἀναπέπλησται ὁσημέραι ἐκματτόμενος ὑπὸ τῶν ἀνδριαντοποιῶν. τί, ὦ παῖ, δρομαῖος ἡμῖν ἀφῖξαι; ἦ πού τι ἐκ γῆς νεώτερον ἀπαγγέλλεις; Ἑρμαγόρας: ὑπέρμεγα, ὦ Ζεῦ, καὶ μυρίας τῆς σπουδῆς δεόμενον.

[¶21] ZEUS: Tell me whether we have overlooked anything else in the way of conspiracy. HERMAGORAS:
It fell just now that they who work in bronze
Had smeared me o’er with pitch on breast and back;
A funny corslet round my body hung,
Conformed by imitative cleverness
To take the full impression of the bronze.
I saw a crowd advancing with a pair
Of sallow bawlers, warriors with words,
Hight Damis, one— ZEUS: Leave off your bombast, my good Hermagoras; I know the men you mean. But tell me whether they have been in action long. HERMAGORAS: Not very; they were still skirmishing, slinging abuse at each other at long range.

> Greek: Ζεύς: λέγε ἤδη, εἴ τι καὶ ἄλλο ἡμᾶς ἐπανιστάμενον λέληθεν. Ἑρμαγόρας:
ἐτύγχανον μὲν ἄρτι χαλκουργῶν ὕπο
πιττούμενος στέρνον τε καὶ μετάφρενον·
θώραξ δέ μοι γελοῖος ἀμφὶ σώματι
πλασθεὶς παρῃώρητο μιμηλῇ τέχνῃ
σφραγῖδα χαλκοῦ πᾶσαν ἐκτυπούμενος·
ὁρῶ δʼ ὄχλον στείχοντα καί τινας δύο
ὠχροὺς κεκράκτας, πυγμάχους σοφισμάτων,
Δᾶμίν τε καὶ — Ζεύς: παῦε, ὦ Ἑρμαγόρα βέλτιστε, τραγῳδῶν· οἶδα γὰρ οὕστινας λέγεις. ἀλλʼ ἐκεῖνό μοι φράσον, εἰ πάλαι συγκροτεῖται αὐτοῖς ἡ ἔρις. Ἑρμαγόρας: οὐ πάνυ, ἀλλʼ ἐν ἀκροβολισμοῖς ἔτι ἦσαν ἀποσφενδονῶντες ἀλλήλοις πόρρωθέν ποθεν λοιδορούμενοι.

[¶22] ZEUS: Then what else remains to be done, gods, except to stoop over and listen to them? So let the Hours remove the bar now, drive the clouds away and throw open the gates of Heaven.

> Greek: Ζεύς: τί οὖν ἔτι ποιεῖν λοιπόν, ὦ θεοί, ἢ ἀκροάσασθαι ἐπικύψαντας αὐτῶν; ὥστε ἀφαιρείτωσαν αἱ Ὧραι τὸν μοχλὸν ἤδη καὶ ἀπάγουσαι τὰ νέφη ἀναπεταννύτωσαν τὰς πύλας τοῦ οὐρανοῦ.

[¶23] 34. ZEUS: Heracles! what a crowd has come together to listen! ‘Timocles himself does not please me at all, for he is trembling and confused. The fellow will spoil it all to-day; in fact, it is clear that he won’t even be able to square off at Danis. But let’s do the very utmost that we can and pray for him, Silently, each to himself, so that Damis may not be the wiser.

> Greek: 34. Ζεύς: Ἡράκλεις, ὅσον τὸ πλῆθος ἐπὶ τὴν ἀκρόασιν ἀπηντήκασιν. ὁ δὲ Τιμοκλῆς αὐτὸς οὐ πάνυ μοι ἀρέσκει ὑποτρέμων καὶ ταραττόμενος· ἀπολεῖ ἅπαντα οὗτος τήμερον· δῆλος γοῦν ἐστιν οὐδὲ ἀντάρασθαι τῷ Δάμιδι δυνησόμενος. ἀλλʼ ὅπερ ἡμῖν δυνατώτατον, εὐχώμεθα ὑπὲρ αὐτοῦ σιγῇ ἐφʼ ἡμείων, ἵνα μὴ Δᾶμίς γε πύθηται.

[¶24] 35. TIMOCLES: Damis, you sacrilegious wretch, why do you say that the gods do not exist and do not show providence in behalf of men?

> Greek: 35. Τιμοκλῆς: τί φής, ὦ ἱερόσυλε Δᾶμι, θεοὺς μὴ εἶναι μηδὲ προνοεῖν τῶν ἀνθρώπων;

[¶25] DAMIS: No, you tell me first what reason you have for believing that they do exist.

> Greek: Δάμις: οὔκ· ἀλλὰ σὺ πρότερος ἀπόκριναί μοι ᾧτινι λόγῳ ἐπείσθης εἶναι αὐτούς.

[¶26] TIMOCLES: No, you tell me, you miscreant!

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: οὐ μὲν οὖν, ἀλλὰ σύ, ὦ μιαρέ, ἀπόκριναι.

[¶27] DAMIS: No, you!

> Greek: Δάμις: οὐ μὲν οὖν, ἀλλὰ σύ.

[¶28] ZEUS: So far our man is much better and more noisy in his bullying. Good, Timocles! Pile on your abuse; that is your strong point, for in everything else he will make you as mute as a fish.

> Greek: Ζεύς: ταυτὶ μὲν παρὰ πολὺ ὁ ἡμέτερος ἄμεινον καὶ εὐφωνότερον τραχύνεται. εὖ γε, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, ἐπίχει τῶν βλασφημιῶν· ἐν γὰρ τούτῳ σοι τὸ κράτος, ὡς τά γε ἄλλα ἰχθύν σε ἀποφανεῖ ἐπιστομίζων.

[¶29] TIMOCLES: But I swear by Athena that I will not answer you first.

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: ἀλλά, μὰ τὴν Ἀθηνᾶν, οὐκ ἂν ἀποκριναίμην σοι πρότερος.

[¶30] DAMIS: Well then, put your question, Timocles, for you have won with that oath of yours. But no abuse, please.

> Greek: Δάμις: οὐκοῦν, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, ἐρώτα· ἐκράτησας γὰρ τοῦτό γε ὀμωμοκώς· ἀλλʼ ἄνευ τῶν βλασφημιῶν, εἰ δοκεῖ.

[¶31] 36. TIMOCLES: Very well. Tell me then, you scoundrel, don’t you think the gods exercise any providence?

> Greek: 36. Τιμοκλῆς: εὖ λέγεις· εἰπὲ οὖν μοι, οὐ δοκοῦσί σοι, ὦ κατάρατε, προνοεῖν οἱ θεοί;

[¶32] DAMIS: Not in the least.

> Greek: Δάμις: οὐδαμῶς.

[¶33] TIMOCLES: What’s that you say? Then is all that we see about us uncared for by any providence?

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: τί φής; ἀπρονόητα οὖν ταῦτα ἅπαντα;

[¶34] DAMIS: Yes.

> Greek: Δάμις: ναί.

[¶35] TIMOCLES: And the administration of the universe is not directed by any god?

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: οὐδʼ ὑπό τινι οὖν θεῷ τάττεται ἡ τῶν ὅλων ἐπιμέλεια;

[¶36] DAMIS: No.

> Greek: Δάμις: οὔ.

[¶37] TIMOCLES: And everything drifts at random?

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: πάντα δὲ εἰκῆ φέρεται;

[¶38] DAMIS: Yes.

> Greek: Δάμις: ναί.

[¶39] TIMOCLES: Men, do you hear that and put up with it? Aren’t you going to stone the villain?

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: εἶτʼ ἄνθρωποι ταῦτα ἀκούοντες ἀνέχεσθε καὶ οὐ καταλεύσετε τὸν ἀλιτήριον;

[¶40] DAMIS: Why do you embitter men against me, Timocles? And who are you to get angry on behalf of the gods, especially when they themselves are not angry? They have done me no harm, you see, though they have listened to me long—if indeed they have ears.

> Greek: Δάμις: τί τοὺς ἀνθρώπους ἐπʼ ἐμὲ παροξύνεις, ὦ Τιμόκλεις; ἢ τίς ὢν ἀγανακτεῖς ὑπὲρ τῶν θεῶν, καὶ ταῦτα ἐκείνων αὐτῶν οὐκ ἀγανακτούντων; οἵ γε οὐδὲν δεινὸν διατεθείκασί με πάλαι ἀκούοντες, εἴ γε ἀκούουσιν.

[¶41] TIMOCLES: Yes, they have, Damis, they have, and they will punish you some day in the hereafter.

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: ἀκούουσι γάρ, ὦ Δᾶμι, ἀκούουσι, καί σε μετίασί ποτε χρόνῳ.

[¶42] 37. DAMIS: And when can they find time for me, when they have so many cares, you say, and manage all creation, which is unlimited in its extent? That is why they have not yet paid.you back for all your false oaths and everything else—I don’t want to be forced to deal in abuse like you, contrary to our stipulations: and yet I don’t see what better manifestation of their providence they could have made than to crush your life out miserably, miserable sinner that you are! But it is clear that they are away from home, across the Ocean, no doubt, visiting the guileless Ethiopians. At any rate it is their custom to go and dine with them continually, even self-invited at times.

> Greek: 37. Δάμις: καὶ πότε ἂν ἐκεῖνοι σχολὴν ἀγάγοιεν ἐπʼ ἐμέ, τοσαῦτα, ὡς φής, πράγματα ἔχοντες καὶ τὰ ἐν τῷ κόσμῳ ἄπειρα τὸ πλῆθος ὄντα οἰκονομούμενοι; ὥστε οὐδὲ σέ πω ἠμύναντο ὧν ἐπιορκεῖς ἀεὶ καὶ τῶν ἄλλων, ἵνα μὴ βλασφημεῖν καὶ αὐτὸς ἀναγκάζωμαι παρὰ τὰ συγκείμενα. καίτοι οὐχ ὁρῶ ἥντινα ἂν ἄλλην ἐπίδειξιν τῆς ἑαυτῶν προνοίας μείζω ἐξενεγκεῖν ἐδύναντο ἢ σὲ κακὸν κακῶς ἐπιτρίψαντες. ἀλλὰ δῆλοί εἰσιν ἀποδημοῦντες, ὑπὲρ τὸν Ὠκεανὸν ἴσως μετʼ ἀμύμονας Αἰθιοπῆας· ἔθος γοῦν αὐτοῖς συνεχῶς ἰέναι παρʼ αὐτοὺς μετὰ δαῖτα καὶ αὐτεπαγγέλτοις ἐνίοτε.

[¶43] 38. TIMOCLES: What can I say in reply to all this impudence, Damis?

> Greek: 38. Τιμοκλῆς: τί πρὸς τοσαύτην ἀναισχυντίαν εἴποιμι ἄν, ὦ Δᾶμι;

[¶44] DAMIS: Tell me what I wanted you to tell me long ago, how you were induced to believe that the gods exercise providence.

> Greek: Δάμις: ἐκεῖνο, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, ὃ πάλαι ἐγὼ ἐπόθουν ἀκοῦσαί σου, ὅπως ἐπείσθης οἴεσθαι προνοεῖν τοὺς θεούς.

[¶45] TIMOCLES: In the first place the order of nature convinced me, the sun always going the same road and the moon likewise and the seasons changing and plants growing and living creatures being born, and these latter so cleverly devised that they can support life and move and think and walk and build houses and cobble shoes—and all the rest of it; these seem to me to be works of providence.

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: ἡ τάξις με πρῶτον τῶν γινομένων ἔπεισεν, ὁ ἥλιος ἀεὶ τὴν αὐτὴν ὁδὸν ἰὼν καὶ σελήνη κατὰ ταὐτὰ καὶ ὧραι τρεπόμεναι καὶ φυτὰ φυόμενα καὶ ζῷα γεννώμενα καὶ αὐτὰ ταῦτα οὕτως εὐμηχάνως κατεσκευασμένα ὡς τρέφεσθαι καὶ κινεῖσθαι καὶ ἐννοεῖν καὶ βαδίζειν καὶ τεκταίνεσθαι καὶ σκυτοτομεῖν καὶ τἆλλα· ταῦτα προνοίας ἔργα εἶναί μοι δοκεῖ.

[¶46] DAMIS: That is just the question, Timocles, and you are trying to beg it, for it is not yet proved that each of these things is accomplished by providence. While I myself would say that recurrent phenomena are as you describe them, I need not, however, at once admit a conviction that they recur by some sort of providence, for it is possible that they began at random and now take place with uniformity and regularity. But you call necessity “order” and then, forsooth, get angry if anyone does not follow you when you catalogue and extol the characteristics of these phenomena and think it a proof that each of them is ordered by providence. So, in the words of the comic poet,
That’s but a sorry answer; try again.

> Greek: Δάμις: αὐτό που τὸ ζητούμενον, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, συναρπάζεις· οὐδέπω γὰρ δῆλον εἰ προνοίᾳ τούτων ἕκαστον ἀποτελεῖται. ἀλλʼ ὅτι μὲν τοιαῦτά ἐστι τὰ γινόμενα φαίην ἂν καὶ αὐτός· οὐ μὴν αὐτίκα πεπεῖσθαι ἀνάγκη καὶ ὑπό τινος προμηθείας αὐτὰ γίγνεσθαι· ἔνι γὰρ καὶ ἄλλως ἀρξάμενα νῦν ὁμοίως καὶ κατὰ ταὐτὰ συνίστασθαι, σὺ δὲ τάξιν αὐτῶν ὀνομάζεις τὴν ἀνάγκην, εἶτα δηλαδὴ ἀγανακτήσεις εἴ τίς σοι μὴ ἀκολουθοίη τὰ γινόμενα μὲν ὁποῖά ἐστι καταριθμουμένῳ καὶ ἐπαινοῦντι, οἰομένῳ δὲ ἀπόδειξιν ταῦτα εἶναι τοῦ καὶ προνοίᾳ διατάττεσθαι αὐτῶν ἕκαστον. ὥστε κατὰ τὸν κωμικόν· τουτὶ μὲν ὑπομόχθηρον, ἄλλο μοι λέγε.

[¶47] 39. TIMOCLES: For my part I don’t think that any further proof is necessary on top of all this. Nevertheless I'll tell ou. Answer me this: do you think that Homer is the best poet?

> Greek: 39. Τιμοκλῆς: ἐγὼ μὲν οὐκ οἶμαι καὶ ἄλλης ἐπὶ τούτοις δεῖν ἀποδείξεως. ὅμως δʼ οὖν ἐρῶ· ἀπόκριναι γάρ μοι, Ὅμηρός σοι δοκεῖ ἄριστος ποιητὴς γενέσθαι;

[¶48] DAMIS: Yes, certainly, TIMOCLES: Well, it was he that convinced me with his portrayal of the providence of the gods.

> Greek: Δάμις: καὶ μάλα.
Τιμοκλῆς: οὐκοῦν ἐκείνῳ ἐπείσθην τὴν πρόνοιαν τῶν θεῶν ἐμφανίζοντι.

[¶49] DAMIS: But, my admirable friend, everybody will agree with you that Homer is a good poet, to be sure, but not that he or any other poet whatsoever is a truthful witness. They do not pay any heed to truth, I take it, but only to charming their hearers, and to this end they enchant them with metres and entrance them with fables and in a word do anything to give pleasure.

> Greek: Δάμις: ἀλλʼ, ὦ θαυμάσιε, ποιητὴν μὲν ἀγαθὸν Ὅμηρον γενέσθαι πάντες σοι συνομολογήσουσι, μάρτυρα δὲ ἀληθῆ περὶ τῶν τοιούτων οὔτʼ ἐκεῖνον οὔτε ἄλλον ποιητὴν οὐδένα· οὐ γὰρ ἀληθείας μέλει αὐτοῖς, οἶμαι, ἀλλὰ τοῦ κηλεῖν τοὺς ἀκούοντας, καὶ διὰ τοῦτο μέτροις τε κατᾴδουσι καὶ μύθοις κατηχοῦσι καὶ ὅλως ἅπαντα ὑπὲρ τοῦ τερπνοῦ μηχανῶνται.

[¶50] 40. DAMIS: However, I should like to know what it was of Homer’s that convinced you most. What he says about Zeus, how his daughter and his brother and his wife made a plot to fetter him? If Thetis had not summoned Briareus, our excellent Zeus would have been caught and put in chains. For this he returned thanks to Thetis by deceiving Agamemnon, sending a false vision to him, in order that many of the Achaeans might lose their lives. Don’t you see, it was impossible for him to hurl a thunderbolt and burn. up Agamemnon himself without making himself out a liar? Or perhaps you were most inclined to believe when you heard how Diomed wounded Aphrodite and then even Ares himself at the suggestion of Athena, and how shortly afterwards the gods themselves fell to and began duelling promiscuously, males and females; Athena defeated Ares, already overtaxed, no doubt by the wound he had received from Diomed, and "Leto fought against Hermes, the stalwart god of good fortune.” Or perhaps you thought the tale about Artemis credible, that, being a fault-finding person, she got angry when she was not invited to a feast by Oeneus and so turned loose on his land a monstrous boar of irresistible strength. Did Homer convince you by saying that sort of thing?

> Greek: 40. Δάμις: ἀτὰρ ἡδέως ἂν καὶ ἀκούσαιμι οἷστισι μάλιστα ἐπείσθης τῶν Ὁμήρου· ἆρα οἷς περὶ τοῦ Διὸς λέγει, ὡς ἐπεβούλευον συνδῆσαι αὐτὸν ἡ θυγάτηρ καὶ ὁ ἀδελφὸς καὶ ἡ γυνή; καὶ εἴ γε μὴ τὸν Βριάρεων ἡ Θέτις ἐκάλεσεν ἐπεπέδητο ἂν ἡμῖν ὁ βέλτιστος Ζεὺς συναρπασθείς. ἀνθʼ ὧν καὶ ἀπομνημονεύων τῇ Θέτιδι τὴν εὐεργεσίαν ἐξαπατᾷ τὸν Ἀγαμέμνονα ὄνειρόν τινα ψευδῆ ἐπιπέμψας, ὡς πολλοὶ τῶν Ἀχαιῶν ἀποθάνοιεν. ὁρᾷς; ἀδύνατον γὰρ ἦν αὐτῷ κεραυνὸν ἐμβαλόντι καταφλέξαι τὸν Ἀγαμέμνονα αὐτὸν ἄνευ τοῦ ἀπατεῶνα εἶναι δοκεῖν. ἢ ἐκεῖνά σε μάλιστα εἰς τὴν πίστιν ἐπεσπάσαντο, ἀκούοντα ὡς Διομήδης μὲν ἔτρωσε τὴν Ἀφροδίτην, εἶτα τὸν Ἄρη αὐτὸν Ἀθηνᾶς παρακελεύσει, μετὰ μικρὸν δὲ αὐτοὶ συμπεσόντες οἱ θεοὶ ἐμονομάχουν ἀναμὶξ ἄρρενες καὶ θήλειαι, καὶ Ἀθηνᾶ μὲν Ἄρη καταγωνίζεται ἅτε καὶ προπεπονηκότα, οἶμαι, ἐκ τοῦ τραύματος ὃ παρὰ τοῦ Διομήδους εἰλήφει, Λητοῖ δʼ ἀντέστη σῶκος ἐριούνιος Ἑρμῆς; ἢ τὰ περὶ τῆς Ἀρτέμιδός σοι πιθανὰ ἔδοξεν, ὡς ἐκείνη μεμψίμοιρος οὖσα ἠγανάκτησεν οὐ κληθεῖσα ἐφʼ ἑστίασιν ὑπὸ τοῦ Οἰνέως, καὶ διὰ τοῦτο σῦν τινα ὑπερφυᾶ καὶ ἀνυπόστατον τὴν ἀλκὴν ἐπαφῆκεν ἐπὶ τὴν χώραν αὐτοῦ; ἆρʼ οὖν τὰ τοιαῦτα λέγων σε Ὅμηρος πέπεικε;

[¶51] 41. ZEUS: I say, gods! what a shout the crowd raised, applauding Damis! Our man seems to be in a fix. In fact he is sweating and quaking; it’s clear he is going to throw up the sponge, and is already looking about for a place to slip out and run away.

> Greek: 41. Ζεύς: βαβαί· ἡλίκον, ὦ θεοί, ἀνεβόησε τὸ πλῆθος, ἐπαινοῦντες τὸν Δᾶμιν· ὁ δʼ ἡμέτερος ἀπορουμένῳ ἔοικεν· ἰδίει γοῦν καὶ ὑποτρέμει καὶ δῆλός ἐστιν ἀπορρίψων τὴν ἀσπίδα, καὶ ἤδη περιβλέπει οἷ παρεκδὺς ἀποδράσεται.

[¶52] TIMOCLES: I suppose you don’t think that Euripides is telling the truth either, when he puts the gods themselves on the stage and shows them saving the herves and destroying villains and impious fellows like yourself?

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: οὐδʼ Εὐριπίδης ἄρα σοι δοκεῖ λέγειν τι ὑγιές, ὁπόταν αὐτοὺς ἀναβιβασάμενος τοὺς θεοὺς ἐπὶ τὴν σκηνὴν δεικνύῃ σώζοντας μὲν τοὺς χρηστοὺς τῶν ἡρώων, τοὺς πονηροὺς δὲ καὶ κατὰ σὲ τὴν ἀσέβειαν ἐπιτρίβοντας;

[¶53] DAMIS: Why, Timocles, you doughtiest of philosophers, if the playwrights have convinced you by doing this, you must needs believe either that Polus and Aristodemus and Satyrus are gods for the nonce, or that the very masks representing the gods, the buskins, the trailing tunics, the cloaks, gauntlets, padded paunches and all the other things with which they make tragedy grand are divine; and that is thoroughly ridiculous. I assure you when Euripides, following his own devices, says what he thinks without being under any constraint imposed by the requirements of his plays, you will hear him speaking frankly then:
Dost see on high this boundless sweep of air
That lappeth earth about in yielding arms?
Hold this to be Zeus, and believe it God.
And again:
'Twas Zeus, whoever Zeus is, for I know Him not, except by hearsay.
and so on.

> Greek: Δάμις: ἀλλʼ, ὦ γενναιότατε φιλοσόφων Τιμόκλεις, εἰ ταῦτα ποιοῦντες οἱ τραγῳδοὶ πεπείκασί σε, ἀνάγκη δυοῖν θάτερον, ἤτοι Πῶλον καὶ Ἀριστόδημον καὶ Σάτυρον ἡγεῖσθαί σε θεοὺς εἶναι τότε ἢ τὰ πρόσωπα τῶν θεῶν αὐτὰ καὶ τοὺς ἐμβάτας καὶ τοὺς ποδήρεις χιτῶνας καὶ χλαμύδας καὶ χειρῖδας καὶ προγαστρίδια καὶ τἆλλα οἷς ἐκεῖνοι σεμνύνουσι τὴν τραγῳδίαν, ὅπερ καὶ γελοιότατον· ἐπεὶ καθʼ ἑαυτὸν ὁπόταν ὁ Εὐριπίδης, μηδὲν ἐπειγούσης τῆς χρείας τῶν δραμάτων, τὰ δοκοῦντά οἱ λέγῃ, ἀκούσῃ αὐτοῦ τότε παρρησιαζομένου,
ὁρᾷς τὸν ὑψοῦ τόνδʼ ἄπειρον αἰθέρα
καὶ γῆν πέριξ ἔχονθʼ ὑγραῖς ἐν ἀγκάλαις;
τοῦτον νόμιζε Ζῆνα, τόνδʼ ἡγοῦ θεόν.
καὶ πάλιν, Ζεύς, ὅστις ὁ Ζεύς, οὐ γὰρ οἶδα, πλὴν λόγῳ κλύων. καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα.

[¶54] 42. TIMOCLES: Well ‘then, all men and all nations have been mistaken in believing in gods and celebrating festivals?

> Greek: 42. Τιμοκλῆς: οὐκοῦν ἅπαντες ἄνθρωποι καὶ τὰ ἔθνη ἐξηπάτηνται θεοὺς νομίζοντες καὶ πανηγυρίζοντες;

[¶55] DAMIS: Thank you kindly, Timocles, for-reminding me of what the nations believe... From that you can discern partitularly well that there is nothing in the theory of gods, for the confusion is great, and some believe one thing, some another. The Scythians offer sacrifice to a scimitar, the Thracians to Zamolxis, a runaway slave who came to them from Samos, the Phrygians to Men, the Ethiopians to Day, the Cyllenians to’ Phales, the Assyrians to a dove, the Persians to fire, and the Egyptians to water. And while all the Egyptians in common have water for a god, the people of Memphis have the bull, the people of Pelusium a wild onion, others an ibis or a crocodile, others a dog-faced god or a cat or a monkey. Moreover, taking them by villages, some hold the right shoulder a god and others, who dwell opposite them, the left; others, half.a skull, and others an earthen cup or dish. Isn’t that matter for laughter, good Timocles?

> Greek: Δάμις: εὖ γε, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, ὅτι με ὑπέμνησας τῶν κατὰ ἔθνη νομιζομένων, ἀφʼ ὧν μάλιστα συνίδοι τις ἂν ὡς οὐδὲν βέβαιονὁ περὶ θεῶν λόγος ἔχει· πολλὴ γὰρ ἡ ταραχὴ καὶ ἄλλοι ἄλλα νομίζουσι, Σκύθαι μὲν ἀκινάκῃ θύοντες καὶ Θρᾷκες Ζαμόλξιδι, δραπέτῃ ἀνθρώπῳ ἐκ Σάμου ὡς αὐτοὺς ἥκοντι, Φρύγες δὲ Μήνῃ καὶ Αἰθίοπες Ἡμέρᾳ καὶ Κυλλήνιοι Φάλητι καὶ Ἀσσύριοι περιστερᾷ καὶ Πέρσαι πυρὶ καὶ Αἰγύπτιοι ὕδατι. καὶ τοῦτο μὲν ἅπασι κοινὸν τοῖς Αἰγυπτίοις τὸ ὕδωρ, ἰδίᾳ δὲ Μεμφίταις μὲν ὁ βοῦς θεός, Πηλουσιώταις δὲ κρόμμυον, καὶ ἄλλοις ἶβις ἢ κροκόδειλος καὶ ἄλλοις κυνοκέφαλος ἢ αἴλουρος ἢ πίθηκος· καὶ ἔτι κατὰ κώμας τοῖς μὲνὁ δεξιὸς ὦμος θεός, τοῖς δὲ κατʼ ἀντιπέρας οἰκοῦσιν ἅτερος· καὶ ἄλλοις κεφαλῆς ἡμίτομον, καὶ ἄλλοις ποτήριον κεραμεοῦν ἢ τρύβλιον. ταῦτα πῶς οὐ γέλως ἐστίν, ὦ καλὲ Τιμόκλεις;
Μῶμος: οὐκ ἔλεγον, ὦ θεοί, ταῦτα πάντα ἥξειν εἰς τοὐμφανὲς καὶ ἀκριβῶς ἐξετασθήσεσθαι;
Ζεύς: ἔλεγες, ὦ Μῶμε, καὶ ἐπετίμας ὀρθῶς, καὶ ἔγωγε πειράσομαι ἐπανορθώσασθαι αὐτά, ἢν τὸν ἐν ποσὶ τοῦτον κίνδυνον διαφύγωμεν.

[¶56] 43. MOMUS: Didn't I tell you, gods, that all this would come out and be thoroughly looked into?
ZEUS: You did, Momus, and your criticism was just. I shall try to set it all right if we escape this immediate danger.
TIMOCLES: But, you god-hater, how about the oracles and pre- dictions of coming events? whose work can you call them except that of the gods and their providence?

> Greek: 43. Τιμοκλῆς: ἀλλʼ, ὦ θεοῖς ἐχθρὲ σύ, τοὺς χρησμοὺς καὶ προαγορεύσεις τῶν ἐσομένων τίνος ἔργον ἂν εἴποις ἢ θεῶν καὶ τῆς προνοίας τῆς ἐκείνων;

[¶57] DAMIS: Don’t say a word about the oracles, my worthy friend, or else I'l ask you which of them you want to cite. The one that Apollo gave the Lydian, which was thoroughly double-edged and two-faced, like some of our Herms, which are double and just alike on both sides, whichever way you look at them; for what was there to show that Croesus by crossing the Halys would destroy his own kingdom rather than that of Cyrus? And yet the luckless Sardian had paid a. good many thousands for that ambidextrous verse.

> Greek: Δάμις: σιώπησον, ὦ ἄριστε, περὶ τῶν χρησμῶν, ἐπεὶ ἐρήσομαί σε τίνος αὐτῶν μάλιστα μεμνῆσθαι ἀξιοῖς; ἆρʼ ἐκείνου ὃν τῷ Λυδῷ ὁ Πύθιος ἔχρησεν, ὃς ἀκριβῶς ἀμφήκης ἦν καὶ διπρόσωπος, οἷοί εἰσι τῶν Ἑρμῶν ἔνιοι, διττοὶ καὶ ἀμφοτέρωθεν ὅμοιοι πρὸς ὁπότερον ἂν αὐτῶν μέρος ἐπιστραφῇς; ἢ τί γὰρ μᾶλλον ὁ Κροῖσος διαβὰς τὸν Ἅλυν τὴν αὑτοῦ ἀρχὴν ἢ τὴν Κύρου καταλύσει; καίτοι οὐκ ὀλίγων ταλάντων ὁ Σαρδιανὸς ἐκεῖνος ὄλεθρος τὸ ἀμφιδέξιον τοῦτο ἔπος ἐπρίατο.

[¶58] MOMUS: Gods, the man keeps saying the very things that I most feared. Where is our handsome musician now? (Zo Arotto) Go down and defend yourself to him against these charges!

> Greek: Μῶμος: αὐτά που, ὦ θεοί, ἁνὴρ διεξέρχεται λέγων ἃ ἐδεδίειν μάλιστα. ποῦ νῦν ὁ καλὸς ἡμῖν κιθαρῳδός; ἀπολόγησαι αὐτῷ κατελθὼν πρὸς ταῦτα.

[¶59] ZEUS: You are boring us to extinction, Momus, with yout untimely eriticism.

> Greek: Ζεύς: σὺ ἡμᾶς ἐπισφάττεις, ὦ Μῶμε, οὐκ ἐν καιρῷ νῦν ἐπιτιμῶν.

[¶60] 44. TIMOCLES: Take care what you are doing, Damis, you miscreant! You are all but upsetting the very temples of the gods with your arguments, and their altars too.

> Greek: 44. Τιμοκλῆς: ὅρα οἷα ποιεῖς, ὦ ἀλιτήριε Δᾶμι, μονονουχὶ τὰ ἕδη αὐτὰ τῶν θεῶν ἀνατρέπεις τῷ λόγῳ καὶ βωμοὺς αὐτῶν.

[¶61] DAMIS: Not all the altars, as far as I am concerned, Timocles; for what harm do they do if they are full of incense and sweet savour? But I should be glad to see the altars of Artemis among the’ Tauvians turned: completely upside down, those on which the maiden goddess used to enjoy such horrid feasts.

> Greek: Δάμις: οὐ πάντας ἔγωγε τοὺς βωμούς, ὦ Τιμόκλεις. τί γὰρ καὶ δεινὸν ἀπʼ αὐτῶν γίγνεται, εἰ θυμιαμάτων καὶ εὐωδίας μεστοί εἰσι; τοὺς δὲ ἐν Ταύροις τῆς Ἀρτέμιδος ἡδέως ἂν ἐπεῖδον ἐκ βάθρων ἐπὶ κεφαλὴν ἀνατρεπομένους, ἐφʼ ὧν τοιαῦτα ἡ παρθένος εὐωχουμένη ἔχαιρεν.

[¶62] ZEUS: Where did he get this insufferable stuff that he is pouring out on us? He doesn’t spare any of the gods, but speaks out like a fishwife and
Takes first one, then the other, the guiltless along with the guilty.

> Greek: Ζεύς: τουτὶ πόθεν ἡμῖν τὸ ἄμαχον κακὸν ἐπιχεῖ; ὡς δαιμόνων οὐδενὸς ἁνὴρ φείδεται, ἀλλʼ ἐξ ἁμάξης παρρησιάζεται καὶ μάρπτει ἑξείης, ὅς τʼ αἴτιος ὅς τε καὶ οὐκί.

[¶63] MOMUS: I tell you, Zeus, you'll find few that are guiltless among us, and possibly as he continues the man will soon fasten on a certain person of prominence.

> Greek: Μῶμος: καὶ μὴν ὀλίγους ἄν, ὦ Ζεῦ, τοὺς ἀναιτίους εὕροις ἐν ἡμῖν· καί που τάχα προϊὼν ὁ ἄνθρωπος ἅψεται καὶ τῶν κορυφαίων τινός.

[¶64] 45. TIMOCLES: Then can’t you even hear Zeus when he thunders, Damis, you god-fighter?

> Greek: 45. Τιμοκλῆς: οὐδὲ βροντῶντος ἄρα τοῦ Διὸς ἀκούεις, ὦ θεομάχε Δᾶμι;

[¶65] DAMIS: Why shouldn’t I hear thunder, Timocles? But whether it is Zeus that thunders or not, you no doubt know best, coming as you do from some place or other where the gods live! However, the people who come here from Crete tell us a different tale, that a grave is pointed out there with a tombstone standing upon it which proves that Zeus cannot thunder any more, as he has been dead this long time.

> Greek: Δάμις: καὶ πῶς οὐ μέλλω βροντῆς ἀκούειν, ὦ Τιμόκλεις; εἰ δʼ ὁ Ζεὺς ὁ βροντῶν ἐστι, σὺ ἄμεινον ἂν εἰδείης ἐκεῖθέν ποθεν παρὰ τῶν θεῶν ἀφιγμένος· ἐπεὶ οἵ γε ἐκ Κρήτης ἥκοντες ἄλλα ἡμῖν διηγοῦνται, τάφον τινὰ κεῖθι δείκνυσθαι καὶ στήλην ἐφεστάναι δηλοῦσαν ὡς οὐκέτι βροντήσειεν ἂν ὁ Ζεὺς πάλαι τεθνεώς.

[¶66] MOMUS: I knew far in advance that the fellow would say that. But why have you become so pale, Zeus, and why do you tremble till your teeth chatter? You should be bold and despise such mannikins.

> Greek: Μῶμος: τοῦτʼ ἐγὼ πρὸ πολλοῦ ἠπιστάμην ἐροῦντα τὸν ἄνθρωπον. τί δʼ οὖν, ὦ Ζεῦ, ὠχρίακας ἡμῖν καὶ συγκροτεῖς τοὺς ὀδόντας ὑπὸ τοῦ τρόμου; θαρρεῖν χρὴ καὶ τῶν τοιούτων ἀνθρωπίσκων καταφρονεῖν.

[¶67] ZEUS: What’s that you say, Momus? Despise them? don’t you see how many are listening, and how they have already been persuaded against us and he is leading them after him tethered by the ears?

> Greek: Ζεύς: τί λέγεις, ὦ Μῶμε; καταφρονεῖν; οὐχ ὁρᾷς ὅσοι ἀκούουσι καὶ ὡς συμπεπεισμένοι εἰσὶν ἤδη καθʼ ἡμῶν καὶ ἀπάγει αὐτοὺς ἀναδησάμενος τῶν ὤτων ὁ Δᾶμις;

[¶68] MOMUS: But whenever you like, Zeus, you can let down a cord of gold and
Sway them aloft, with the earth and the sea, too, into the bargain.

> Greek: Μῶμος: ἀλλὰ σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, ὁπόταν θελήσῃς, σειρὴν χρυσείην καθεὶς ἅπαντας αὐτοὺς αὐτῇ κεν γαίῃ ἐρύσαις αὐτῇ τε θαλάσσῃ.

[¶69] 46. TIMOCLES: Tell me, you scoundrel, have you ever made a voyage?

> Greek: 46. Τιμοκλῆς: εἰπέ μοι, ὦ κατάρατε, πέπλευκας ἤδη ποτέ;

[¶70] DAMIS: Yes, often, Timocles.

> Greek: Δάμις: καὶ πολλάκις, ὦ Τιμόκλεις.

[¶71] TIMOCLES: Well, you were kept in motion then, were you not, either by-the wind striking the canvas and filling the sails, or else by the rowers, but the steering was done by a single man in ‘command, who kept the vessel safe?

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: οὔκουν ἔφερε μὲν ὑμᾶς τότε ἢ ἄνεμος ἐμπίπτων τῇ ὀθόνῃ καὶ ἐμπιπλὰς τὰ ἀκάτια ἢ οἱ ἐρέττοντες, ἐκυβέρνα δὲ εἷς τις ἐφεστὼς καὶ ἔσωζε τὴν ναῦν;

[¶72] DAMIS: Yes, certainly.

> Greek: Δάμις: καὶ μάλα.

[¶73] TIMOCLES: Then do you suppose that while the ship would not sail if she were not steered, this universe keeps in motion unsteered and unofficered?

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: εἶτα ἡ ναῦς μὲν οὐκ ἂν ἔπλει μὴ κυβερνωμένη, τὸ δὲ ὅλον τοῦτο ἀκυβέρνητον οἴει καὶ ἀνηγεμόνευτον φέρεσθαι;

[¶74] ZEUS: Good! Timocles put that very shrewdly, with a valid illustration.

> Greek: Ζεύς: εὖ γε, συνετῶς ὁ Τιμοκλῆς ταῦτα καὶ ἰσχυρῷ τῷ παραδείγματι.

[¶75] 47. DAMIS: Why, Timocles, you superlative admirer of the gods, in the one case you would have seen the captain always planning what had better be done and making ready beforehand and giving orders to the crew, and the ship would contain nothing at all that was profitless and senseless, that was not wholly useful and necessary to them for their voyage. But in the other case your captain, the one who, you say, is in command of this great ship, manages nothing in a sensible or fitting way, and neither do the members of his crew; the forestay is carried aft, maybe, and both the sheets forward, the anchors are sometimes ‘of gold while the figurehead is of lead, and all the ship’s underbody is painted while her upper works are unsightly.

> Greek: 47. Δάμις: ἀλλʼ, ὦ θεοφιλέστατε Τιμόκλεις, τὸν μὲν κυβερνήτην ἐκεῖνον εἶδες ἂν ἀεὶ τὰ συμφέροντα ἐπινοοῦντα καὶ πρὸ τοῦ καιροῦ παρασκευαζόμενον καὶ προστάττοντα τοῖς ναύταις, ἀλυσιτελὲς δὲ οὐδὲ ἄλογον οὐδέν τι εἶχεν ἡ ναῦς ὃ μὴ χρήσιμον πάντως καὶ ἀναγκαῖον ἦν πρὸς τὴν ναυτιλίαν αὐτοῖς· ὁ δὲ σὸς οὗτος κυβερνήτης, ὃν τῇ μεγάλῃ ταύτῃ νηῒ ἐφεστάναι ἀξιοῖς, καὶ οἱ συνναῦται αὐτοῦ οὐδὲν εὐλόγως οὐδὲ κατὰ τὴν ἀξίαν διατάττουσιν, ἀλλʼ ὁ μὲν πρότονος, εἰ τύχοι, ἐς τὴν πρύμναν ἀποτέταται, οἱ πόδες δʼ ἐς τὴν πρῷραν ἀμφότεροι· καὶ χρυσαῖ μὲν αἱ ἄγκυραι ἐνίοτε, ὁ χηνίσκος δὲ μολυβδοῦς, καὶ τὰ μὲν ὕφαλα κατάγραφα, τὰ δὲ ἔξαλα τῆς νεὼς ἄμορφα.

[¶76] 48. DAMIS: Among the sailors themselves you will see that one who is lazy and lubberly and has no heart for his work has a warrant or evena commission, while another who is fearless at diving and handy in manning the yards and best acquainted with everything that needs to be done, is set to pumping ship. So too with the passengers: you'll see some gallows-bird or other sitting on the quarter deck beside the captain and receiving attentions, and another, a profligate, a parricide or a temple-robber, getting inordinate honour and taking up the whole deck of the ship, while a lot of good fellows are crowded into a corner of the hold and trampled on by men who are really their inferiors. Just think, for example, what a voyage Socrates and Aristides and Phocion had, without biscuits enough to eat and without even room to stretch their legs on the bare boards alongside the bilgewater, and on the other hand what favours Callias and Midias and Sardanapalus enjoyed, rolling in luxury and spitting on those beneath them!

> Greek: 48. Δάμις: καὶ αὐτῶν δὲ τῶν ναυτῶν ἴδοις ἂν τὸν μὲν ἀργὸν καὶ ἄτεχνον καὶ ἄτολμον πρὸς τὰ ἔργα διμοιρίτην ἢ τριμοιρίτην, τὸν δὲ κατακολυμβῆσαί τε ἄοκνον καὶ ἐπὶ τὴν κεραίαν ἀναπηδῆσαι ῥᾴδιον καὶ εἰδότα τῶν χρησίμων ἕκαστα μόνον, τοῦτον ἀντλεῖν προστεταγμένον· τὰ δὲ αὐτὰ καὶ ἐν τοῖς ἐπιβάταις, μαστιγίαν μέν τινα ἐν προεδρίᾳ παρὰ τὸν κυβερνήτην καθήμενον καὶ θεραπευόμενον, καὶ ἄλλον κίναιδον ἢ πατραλοίαν ἢ ἱερόσυλον ὑπερτιμώμενον καὶ τὰ ἄκρα τῆς νεὼς κατειληφότα, χαρίεντας δὲ πολλοὺς ἐν μυχῷ τοῦ σκάφους στενοχωρουμένους καὶ ὑπὸ τῶν πρὸς ἀλήθειαν χειρόνων πατουμένους· ἐννόησον γοῦν ὅπως μὲν Σωκράτης καὶ Ἀριστείδης ἔπλευσαν καὶ Φωκίων, οὐδὲ τὰ ἄλφιτα διαρκῆ ἔχοντες οὐδὲ ἀποτεῖναι τοὺς πόδας δυνάμενοι ἐπὶ γυμνῶν τῶν σανίδων παρὰ τὸν ἄντλον, ἐν ὅσοις δὲ ἀγαθοῖς Καλλίας καὶ Μειδίας καὶ Σαρδανάπαλλος, ὑπερτρυφῶντες καὶ τῶν ὑφʼ αὑτοῖς καταπτύοντες.

[¶77] 49. DAMIS: That is what goes on in your ship, Timocles, you greatest of sages, and that is why the disasters are countless. But if there were really a captain in command who saw and directed everything, first of all he would not have failed to know who were the good and who were the bad among the men aboard, and secondly he would have given each man his due according to his worth, giving to the better men the better quarters beside him on deck and to the worse the quarters in the hold; some of them he would have made his messmates and advisers, and as for the crew, a zealous man would have been assigned to command forward or in the waist, or at any rate somewhere or other over the heads of the rest, while a timorous, shiftless one would get clouted over the head half a dozen times a day with the rope’s end. Consequently, my interesting friend, your comparison of the ship would seem to have capsized for the want of a good captain.

> Greek: 49. Δάμις: τοιαῦτα ἐν τῇ νηΐ σου γίνεται, ὦ σοφώτατε Τιμόκλεις· διὰ τοῦτο αἱ ναυαγίαι μυρίαι. εἰ δέ τις κυβερνήτης ἐφεστὼς ἑώρα καὶ διέταττεν ἕκαστα, πρῶτον μὲν οὐκ ἂν ἠγνόησεν οἵτινες οἱ χρηστοὶ καὶ οἵτινες οἱ φαῦλοι τῶν ἐμπλεόντων, ἔπειτα ἑκάστῳ κατὰ τὴν ἀξίαν τὰ προσήκοντα ἀπένειμεν ἄν, χώραν τε τὴν ἀμείνω τοῖς ἀμείνοσι παρʼ αὑτὸν ἄνω, τὴν κάτω δὲ τοῖς χείροσι, καὶ συσσίτους ἔστιν οὓς καὶ συμβούλους ἐποιήσατʼ ἄν, καὶ τῶν ναυτῶν ὁ μὲν πρόθυμος ἢ πρῴρας ἐπιμελητὴς ἀπεδέδεικτʼ ἂν ἢ τοίχου ἄρχων ἢ πάντως πρὸ τῶν ἄλλων, ὁ δὲ ὀκνηρὸς καὶ ῥᾴθυμος ἐπαίετʼ ἂν τῷ καλωδίῳ πεντάκις τῆς ἡμέρας εἰς τὴν κεφαλήν. ὥστε σοι, ὦ θαυμάσιε, τὸ τῆς νεὼς τοῦτο παράδειγμα κινδυνεύει περιτετράφθαι κακοῦ τοῦ κυβερνήτου τετυχηκός.

[¶78] 50. MOMUS: Things are going finely for Damis now, and he is driving under full sail to victory.

> Greek: 50. Μῶμος: ταυτὶ μὲν ἤδη κατὰ ῥοῦν προχωρεῖ τῷ Δάμιδι καὶ πλησίστιος ἐπὶ τὴν νίκην φέρεται.

[¶79] ZEUS: Your figure is apt, Momus. Yet Timocles can’t think of anything valid, but launches at him these commonplace, every-day arguments one after another, all of them easy to capsize.

> Greek: Ζεύς: ὀρθῶς, ὦ Μῶμε, εἰκάζεις. ὁ δʼ οὐδὲν ἰσχυρὸν ὁ Τιμοκλῆς ἐπινοεῖ, ἀλλὰ τὰ κοινὰ ταῦτα καὶ καθʼ ἡμέραν ἄλλα ἐπʼ ἄλλοις εὐπερίτρεπτα πάντα ἐπαντλεῖ.

[¶80] 51. TIMOCLES: Well then, as my comparison of the ship did not seem to you very valid, attend now to my sheetanchor, as they call it, which you can’t by any possibility cut away.

> Greek: 51. Τιμοκλῆς: οὐκοῦν ἐπεὶ τῆς νεὼς τὸ παράδειγμα οὐ πάνυ σοι ἰσχυρὸν ἔδοξεν εἶναι, ἄκουσον ἤδη τὴν ἱεράν, φασίν, ἄγκυραν καὶ ἣν οὐδεμιᾷ μηχανῇ ἀπορρήξεις.

[¶81] ZEUS: What in the world is he going to say?

> Greek: Ζεύς: τί ποτε ἄρα καὶ ἐρεῖ;

[¶82] TIMOCLES: See whether I frame this syllogism logically, and whether you can capsize it in any way. If there are altars, there are also gods; but there are altars, ergo there are also gods. What have you to say to that?

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: ἴδοις γὰρ εἰ ἀκόλουθα ταῦτα συλλογίζομαι, καὶ εἴ πῃ αὐτὰ δυνατόν σοι περιτρέψαι. εἰ γὰρ εἰσὶ βωμοί, εἰσὶ καὶ θεοί· ἀλλὰ μὴν εἰσὶ βωμοί, εἰσὶν ἄρα καὶ θεοί. τί πρὸς ταῦτα φής;

[¶83] DAMIS: After I have laughed to my heart’s content I'll tell you.

> Greek: Δάμις: ἢν πρότερον γελάσω ἐς κόρον, ἀποκρινοῦμαί σοι.

[¶84] TIMOCLES: Well, it looks as if you would never stop laughing; tell me, though, how you thought what I said was funny.

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: ἀλλὰ ἔοικας οὐδὲ παύσεσθαι γελῶν· εἰπὲ δὲ ὅμως ὅπη σοι γελοῖον ἔδοξε τὸ εἰρημένον εἶναι.

[¶85] DAMIS: Because you do not see that your anchor is attached to a slender string—and it’s your sheetanchor at that! Having hitched the existence of gods to the existence of altars, you think you have made yourself a safe mooring. So, as you say you have no better sheet-anchor than this, let's be going.

> Greek: Δάμις: ὅτι οὐκ αἰσθάνῃ ἀπὸ λεπτῆς κρόκης ἐξαψάμενός σου τὴν ἄγκυραν, καὶ ταῦτα ἱερὰν οὖσαν· τὸ γὰρ εἶναι θεοὺς τῷ βωμοὺς εἶναι συνδήσας ἰσχυρὸν οἴει ποιήσασθαι ἀπʼ αὐτῶν τὸν ὅρμον. ὥστε ἐπεὶ μηδὲν ἄλλο τούτου φὴς ἔχειν εἰπεῖν ἱερώτερον, ἀπίωμεν ἤδη.

[¶86] 52. TIMOCLES: You admit your defeat, then, by going away first?

> Greek: 52. Τιμοκλῆς: ὁμολογεῖς τοίνυν ἡττῆσθαι προαπιών;

[¶87] DAMIS: Yes, Timocles, for like men threatened with violence from some quarter or other, you have taken refuge at the altars. Therefore I vow by the sheetanchor, I want to make an agreement with you now, right at the altars, not to dispute any more on this topic.

> Greek: Δάμις: ναί, ὦ Τιμόκλεις. σὺ γὰρ ὥσπερ οἱ ὑπό τινων βιαζόμενοι ἐπὶ τοὺς βωμοὺς ἡμῖν καταπέφευγας. ὥστε, νὴ τὴν ἄγκυραν τὴν ἱεράν, ἐθέλω σπείσασθαι ἤδη πρὸς σὲ ἐπʼ αὐτῶν γε τῶν βωμῶν, ὡς μηκέτι περὶ τούτων ἐρίζοιμεν.

[¶88] TIMOCLES: Are you mocking me, you ghoul, you miscreant, you abomination, you gallows-bird, you scum of the earth? Don’t we know who your father was, and how your mother was a courtesan, and that you strangled your brother and you run after women and corrupt the young, you height of all that’s lewd and shameless? Don’t run away! Take a thrashing from me before you go! Ill brain you right now with this brickbat, dirty miscreant that you are!

> Greek: Τιμοκλῆς: εἰρωνεύῃ ταῦτα πρὸς ἐμέ, τυμβωρύχε καὶ μιαρὲ καὶ κατάπτυστε καὶ μαστιγία καὶ κάθαρμα; οὐ γὰρ ἴσμεν οὗτινος μὲν πατρὸς εἶ, πῶς δὲ ἡ μήτηρ σου ἐπορνεύετο, καὶ ὡς τὸν ἀδελφὸν ἀπέπνιξας καὶ μοιχεύεις καὶ τὰ μειράκια διαφθείρεις, λιχνότατε καὶ ἀναισχυντότατε; μὴ φεῦγε δʼ οὖν, ἕως καὶ πληγὰς παρʼ ἐμοῦ λαβὼν ἀπέλθῃς· ἤδη γάρ σε τουτῳὶ τῷ ὀστράκῳ ἀποσφάξω παμμίαρον ὄντα.

[¶89] 53. ZEUS: One is going away laughing, gods, and the other is following him up with abuse, because he can’t stand the mockery of Damis; it looks as if he would hithim on the head with the brickbat. But what ofus? What are we to do now?

> Greek: 53. Ζεύς: ὁ μὲν γελῶν, ὦ θεοί, ἄπεισιν, ὁ δʼ ἀκολουθεῖ λοιδορούμενος οὐ φέρων κατατρυφῶντα τὸν Δᾶμιν, καὶ ἔοικε πατάξειν αὐτὸν τῷ κεράμῳ ἐς τὴν κεφαλήν. ἡμεῖς δὲ τί ποιῶμεν ἐπὶ τούτοις;

[¶90] HERMES: It seems to me that the comic poet hit it right when he said:
No harm’s been done you if you none admit.
What very great harm is it if a few men go away convinced of all this? The people who think diferently are in large majority, not only the rank and file of the Greeks, but the barbarians to a man.

> Greek: Ἑρμῆς: ὀρθῶς ἐκεῖνό μοι ὁ κωμικὸς εἰρηκέναι δοκεῖ, οὐδὲν πέπονθας δεινόν, ἂν μὴ προσποιῇ. τί γὰρ καὶ ὑπέρμεγα κακόν, εἰ ὀλίγοι ἄνθρωποι πεπεισμένοι ταῦτα ἀπίασι; πολλῷ γὰρ οἱ τἀναντία γιγνώσκοντες πλείους, Ἑλλήνων ὁ πολὺς λεὼς βάρβαροί τε ἅπαντες.

[¶91] ZEUS: Yes, Hermes, but what Darius said about Zopyrus is very much in point too. I myself had rather have this man Damis alone on my side than possess a thousand Babylons.

> Greek: Ζεύς: ἀλλά, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, τὸ τοῦ Δαρείου πάνυ καλῶς ἔχον ἐστίν, ὃ εἶπεν ἐπὶ τοῦ Ζωπύρου· ὥστε καὶ αὐτὸς ἐβουλόμην ἂν ἕνα τοῦτον ἔχειν τὸν Δᾶμιν σύμμαχον ἢ μυρίας μοι Βαβυλῶνας ὑπάρχειν.