2.37. One day, observing a child drinking out of his hands, he cast away the cup from his wallet with the words, “A child has beaten me in plainness of living.” He also threw away his bowl when in like manner he saw a child who had broken his plate taking up his lentils with the hollow part of a morsel of bread. He used also to reason thus: “All things belong to the gods. The wise are friends of the gods, and friends hold things in common. Therefore all things belong to the wise.” One day he saw a woman kneeling before the gods in an ungraceful attitude, and wishing to free her of superstition, according to Zoïlus of Perga, he came forward and said, “Are you not afraid, my good woman, that a god may be standing behind you?—for all things are full of his presence—and you may be put to shame?”
2.37. Θεασάμενός ποτε παιδίον ταῖς χερσὶ πῖνον ἐξέρριψε τῆς πήρας τὴν κοτύλην, εἰπών, παιδίον με νενίκηκεν εὐτελείᾳ. ἐξέβαλε δὲ καὶ τὸ τρυβλίον, ὁμοίως παιδίον θεασάμενος, ἐπειδὴ κατέαξε τὸ σκεῦος, τῷ κοίλῳ τοῦ ψωμίου τὴν φακῆν ὑποδεχόμενον. συνελογίζετο δὲ καὶ οὕτως· τῶν θεῶν ἐστι πάντα· φίλοι δὲ οἱ σοφοὶ τοῖς θεοῖς· κοινὰ δὲ τὰ τῶν φίλων. πάντʼ ἄρα ἐστὶ τῶν σοφῶν. θεασάμενός ποτε γυναῖκα ἀσχημονέστερον τοῖς θεοῖς προσπίπτουσαν, βουλόμενος αὐτῆς περιελεῖν τὴν δεισιδαιμονίαν, καθά φησι Ζωίλος ὁ Περγαῖος, προσελθὼν εἶπεν, οὐκ εὐλαβῇ, ὦ γύναι, μή ποτε θεοῦ ὄπισθεν ἑστῶτοσ—πάντα γάρ ἐστιν αὐτοῦ πλήρη—ἀσχημονήσῃς;
2.38. He dedicated to Asclepius a bruiser who, whenever people fell on their faces, used to run up to them and bruise them. All the curses of tragedy, he used to say, had lighted upon him. At all events he wasA homeless exile, to his country dead.A wanderer who begs his daily bread.But he claimed that to fortune he could oppose courage, to convention nature, to passion reason. When he was sunning himself in the Craneum, Alexander came and stood over him and said, “Ask of me any boon you like.” To which he replied, “Stand out of my light.” Some one had been reading aloud for a very long time, and when he was near the end of the roll pointed to a space with no writing on it. “Cheer up, my men,” cried Diogenes; “there’s land in sight.” To one who by argument had proved conclusively that he had horns, he said, touching his forehead, “Well, I for my part don’t see any.”
2.38. τῷ Ἀσκληπιῷ ἀνέθηκε πλήκτην, ὃς τοὺς ἐπὶ στόμα πίπτοντας ἐπιτρέχων συνέτριβεν. Εἰώθει δὲ λέγειν τὰς τραγικὰς ἀρὰς αὐτῷ συνηντηκέναι· εἶναι γοῦνἄπολις, ἄοικος, πατρίδος ἐστερημένος,πτωχός, πλανήτης, βίον ἔχων τοὐφʼ ἡμέραν.ἔφασκε δʼ ἀντιτιθέναι τύχῃ μὲν θάρσος, νόμῳ δὲ φύσιν, πάθει δὲ λόγον. ἐν τῷ Κρανείῳ ἡλιουμένῳ αὐτῷ Ἀλέξανδρος ἐπιστάς φησιν, αἴτησόν με ὃ θέλεις. καὶ ὅς, ἀποσκότησόν μου, φησί. μακρά τινος ἀναγινώσκοντος καὶ πρὸς τῷ τέλει τοῦ βιβλίου ἄγραφόν τι παραδείξαντος θαρρεῖτε, ἔφη, ἄνδρες· γῆν ὁρῶ. πρὸς τὸν συλλογισάμενον ὅτι κέρατα ἔχει, ἁψάμενος τοῦ μετώπου, ἐγὼ μέν, ἔφη, οὐχ ὁρῶ.
2.39. In like manner, when somebody declared that there is no such thing as motion, he got up and walked about. When some one was discoursing on celestial phenomena, “How many days,” asked Diogenes, “were you in coming from the sky?” A eunuch of bad character had inscribed on his door the words, “Let nothing evil enter.” “How then,” he asked, “is the master of the house to get in?” When he had anointed his feet with unguent, he declared that from his head the unguent passed into the air, but from his feet into his nostrils. The Athenians urged him to become initiated, and told him that in the other world those who have been initiated enjoy a special privilege. “It would be ludicrous,” quoth he, “if Agesilaus and Epaminondas are to dwell in the mire, while certain folk of no account will live in the Isles of the Blest because they have been initiated.”
2.39. ὁμοίως καὶ πρὸς τὸν εἰπόντα ὅτι κίνησις οὐκ ἔστιν, ἀναστὰς περιεπάτει. πρὸς τὸν λέγοντα περὶ τῶν μετεώρων, ποσταῖος, ἔφη, πάρει ἀπὸ τοῦ οὐρανοῦ; εὐνούχου μοχθηροῦ ἐπιγράψαντος ἐπὶ τὴν οἰκίαν, μηδὲν εἰσίτω κακόν, ὁ οὖν κύριος, ἔφη, τῆς οἰκίας ποῦ εἰσέλθῃ; τῷ μύρῳ τοὺς πόδας ἀλειψάμενος ἔφη ἀπὸ μὲν τῆς κεφαλῆς εἰς τὸν ἀέρα ἀπιέναι τὸ μύρον, ἀπὸ δὲ τῶν ποδῶν εἰς τὴν ὄσφρησιν. ἀξιούντων Ἀθηναίων μυηθῆναι αὐτὸν καὶ λεγόντων ὡς ἐν ᾅδου προεδρίας οἱ μεμυημένοι τυγχάνουσι, γελοῖον, ἔφη, εἰ Ἀγησίλαος μὲν καὶ Ἐπαμεινώνδας ἐν τῷ βορβόρῳ διάξουσιν, εὐτελεῖς δέ τινες μεμυημένοι ἐν ταῖς μακάρων νήσοις ἔσονται.
2.40. When mice crept on to the table he addressed them thus, “See now even Diogenes keeps parasites.” When Plato styled him a dog, “Quite true,” he said, “for I come back again and again to those who have sold me.” As he was leaving the public baths, somebody inquired if many men were bathing. He said, No. But to another who asked if there was a great crowd of bathers, he said, Yes. Plato had defined Man as an animal, biped and featherless, and was applauded. Diogenes plucked a fowl and brought it into the lecture-room with the words, “Here is Plato’s man.” In consequence of which there was added to the definition, “having broad nails.” To one who asked what was the proper time for lunch, he said, “If a rich man, when you will; if a poor man, when you can.”
2.40. Πρὸς τοὺς ἑρπύσαντας ἐπὶ τὴν τράπεζαν μῦς, ἰδού, φησί, καὶ Διογένης παρασίτους τρέφει. Πλάτωνος εἰπόντος αὐτὸν κύνα, ναί, ἔφη· ἐγὼ γὰρ ἐπανῆλθον ἐπὶ τοὺς πεπρακότας. ἐκ τοῦ βαλανείου ἐξιὼν τῷ μὲν πυθομένῳ εἰ πολλοὶ ἄνθρωποι λοῦνται, ἠρνήσατο· τῷ δʼ, εἰ πολὺς ὄχλος, ὡμολόγησε. Πλάτωνος ὁρισαμένου, Ἄνθρωπός ἐστι ζῷον δίπουν ἄπτερον, καὶ εὐδοκιμοῦντος, τίλας ἀλεκτρυόνα εἰσήνεγκεν αὐτὸν εἰς τὴν σχολὴν καί φησιν, οὗτός ἐστιν ὁ Πλάτωνος ἄνθρωπος. ὅθεν τῷ ὅρῳ προσετέθη τὸ πλατυώνυχον. πρὸς τὸν πυθόμενον ποίᾳ ὥρᾳ δεῖ ἀριστᾶν, εἰ μὲν πλούσιος, ἔφη, ὅταν θέλῃ· εἰ δὲ πένης, ὅταν ἔχῃ.
2.41. At Megara he saw the sheep protected by leather jackets, while the children went bare. “It’s better,” said he, “to be a Megarian’s ram than his son.” To one who had brandished a beam at him and then cried, “Look out,” he replied, “What, are you intending to strike me again?” He used to call the demagogues the lackeys of the people and the crowns awarded to them the efflorescence of fame. He lit a lamp in broad daylight and said, as he went about, “I am looking for a man.” One day he got a thorough drenching where he stood, and, when the bystanders pitied him, Plato said, if they really pitied him, they should move away, alluding to his vanity. When some one hit him a blow with his fist, “Heracles,” said he, “how came I to forget to put on a helmet when I walked out?”
2.41. Ἐν Μεγάροις ἰδὼν τὰ μὲν πρόβατα τοῖς δέρμασιν ἐσκεπασμένα, τοὺς δὲ παῖδας αὐτῶν γυμνούς, ἔφη, λυσιτελέστερόν ἐστι Μεγαρέως κριὸν εἶναι ἢ υἱόν. πρὸς τὸν ἐντινάξαντα αὐτῷ δοκόν, εἶτα εἰπόντα, φύλαξαι, πάλιν γάρ με, ἔφη, παίειν μέλλεις; ἔλεγε τοὺς μὲν δημαγωγοὺς ὄχλου διακόνους, τοὺς δὲ στεφάνους δόξης ἐξανθήματα. λύχνον μεθʼ ἡμέραν ἅψας περιῄει λέγων ἄνθρωπον ζητῶ. εἱστήκει ποτε κατακρουνιζόμενος· τῶν δὲ περιεστώτων ἐλεούντων, παρὼν Πλάτων ἔφη, εἰ βούλεσθʼ αὐτὸν ἐλεῆσαι, ἀπόστητε, ἐνδεικνύμενος φιλοδοξίαν αὐτοῦ. ἐντρίψαντος αὐτῷ κόνδυλόν τινος, Ἡράκλεις, ἔφη, οἷόν με χρῆμʼ ἐλάνθανε τὸ μετὰ περικεφαλαίας περιπατεῖν.
2.42. Further, when Meidias assaulted him and went on to say, “There are 3000 drachmas to your credit,” the next day he took a pair of boxing-gauntlets, gave him a thrashing and said, “There are 3000 blows to your credit.” When Lysias the druggist asked him if he believed in the gods, “How can I help believing in them,” said he, “when I see a god-forsaken wretch like you?” Others give this retort to Theodorus. Seeing some one perform religious purification, he said, “Unhappy man, don’t you know that you can no more get rid of errors of conduct by sprinklings than you can of mistakes in grammar?” He would rebuke men in general with regard to their prayers, declaring that they asked for those things which seemed to them to be good, not for such as are truly good.
2.42. ἀλλὰ καὶ Μειδίου κονδυλίσαντος αὐτὸν καὶ εἰπόντος, τρισχίλιαί σοι κεῖνται ἐπὶ τῇ τραπέζῃ, τῇ ἑξῆς πυκτικοὺς λαβὼν ἱμάντας καὶ καταλοήσας αὐτὸν ἔφη, τρισχίλιαί σοι κεῖνται ἐπὶ τῇ τραπέζῃ. Λυσίου τοῦ φαρμακοπώλου πυθομένου εἰ θεοὺς νομίζει, πῶς δέ, εἶπεν, οὐ νομίζω, ὅπου καὶ σὲ θεοῖς ἐχθρὸν ὑπολαμβάνω; οἱ δὲ Θεόδωρον εἰπεῖν τοῦτο. ἰδών τινα περιρραινόμενον ἐπεῖπεν, ὦ κακόδαιμον, οὐκ ἐπίστασαι ὅτι ὥσπερ τῶν ἐν γραμματικῇ ἁμαρτημάτων περιρραινόμενος οὐκ ἂν ἀπαλλαγείης, οὕτως οὐδὲ τῶν ἐν τῷ βίῳ; ἐνεκάλει τοῖς ἀνθρώποις περὶ τῆς εὐχῆς, αἰτεῖσθαι λέγων αὐτοὺς ἀγαθὰ τὰ αὐτοῖς δοκοῦντα καὶ οὐ τὰ κατʼ ἀλήθειαν.
2.43. As for those who were excited over their dreams he would say that they cared nothing for what they did in their waking hours, but kept their curiosity for the visions called up in their sleep. At Olympia, when the herald proclaimed Dioxippus to be victor over the men, Diogenes protested, “Nay, he is victorious over slaves, I over men.” Still he was loved by the Athenians. At all events, when a youngster broke up his tub, they gave the boy a flogging and presented Diogenes with another. Dionysius the Stoic says that after Chaeronea he was seized and dragged off to Philip, and being asked who he was, replied, “A spy upon your insatiable greed.” For this he was admired and set free.
2.43. πρὸς δὲ τοὺς περὶ τὰ ὀνείρατα ἐπτοημένους ἔλεγεν ὡς ὑπὲρ ὧν μὲν πράττουσιν ὕπαρ, οὐκ ἐπιστρέφονται, ὑπὲρ ὧν δὲ καθεύδοντες φαντασιοῦνται, πολυπραγμονοῦσιν. Ὀλυμπίασι τοῦ κήρυκος ἀνειπόντος, νικᾷ Διώξιππος ἄνδρας, οὗτος μὲν δὴ ἀνδράποδα, ἄνδρας δʼ ἐγώ. Ἠγαπᾶτο δὲ καὶ πρὸς Ἀθηναίων· μειρακίου γοῦν τὸν πίθον αὐτοῦ συντρίψαντος, τῷ μὲν πληγὰς ἔδοσαν, ἐκείνῳ δὲ ἄλλον παρέσχον. φησὶ δὲ Διονύσιος ὁ στωικὸς ὡς μετὰ Χαιρώνειαν συλληφθεὶς ἀπήχθη πρὸς Φίλιππον· καὶ ἐρωτηθεὶς ὅστις εἴη, ἀπεκρίνατο, κατάσκοπος τῆς σῆς ἀπληστίας· ὅθεν θαυμασθεὶς ἀφείθη.
2.44. Alexander having on one occasion sent a letter to Antipater at Athens by a certain Athlios, Diogenes, who was present, said: “Graceless son of graceless sire to graceless wight by graceless squire.” Perdiccas having threatened to put him to death unless he came to him, “That’s nothing wonderful,” quoth he, “for a beetle or a tarantula would do the same.” Instead of that he would have expected the threat to be that Perdiccas would be quite happy to do without his company. He would often insist loudly that the gods had given to men the means of living easily, but this had been put out of sight, because we require honeyed cakes, unguents and the like. Hence to a man whose shoes were being put on by his servant, he said, “You have not attained to full felicity, unless he wipes your nose as well; and that will come, when you have lost the use of your hands.”
2.44. Ἀλεξάνδρου ποτὲ πέμψαντος ἐπιστολὴν πρὸς Ἀντίπατρον εἰς Ἀθήνας διά τινος Ἀθλίου, παρὼν ἔφη· ἄθλιος παρʼ ἀθλίου διʼ ἀθλίου πρὸς ἄθλιον. Περδίκκου ἀπειλήσαντος, εἰ μὴ ἔλθοι πρὸς αὐτόν, ἀποκτενεῖν, ἔφη, οὐδὲν μέγα· καὶ γὰρ κάνθαρος καὶ φαλάγγιον τοῦτʼ ἂν πράξειεν· ἐκεῖνο δὲ μᾶλλον ἀπειλεῖν ἠξίου ὡς εἰ καὶ χωρὶς ἐμοῦ ζήσαι, εὐδαιμόνως ζήσοιτο. ἐβόα πολλάκις λέγων τὸν τῶν ἀνθρώπων βίον ῥᾴδιον ὑπὸ τῶν θεῶν δεδόσθαι, ἀποκεκρύφθαι δʼ αὐτῶν ζητούντων μελίπηκτα καὶ μύρα καὶ τὰ παραπλήσια. ὅθεν πρὸς τὸν ὑπὸ τοῦ οἰκέτου ὑποδούμενον, οὔπω, εἶπε, μακάριος εἶ, ἂν μή σε καὶ ἀπομύξῃ· τοῦτο δʼ ἔσται πηρωθέντι σοι τὰς χεῖρας.
2.45. Once he saw the officials of a temple leading away some one who had stolen a bowl belonging to the treasurers, and said, “The great thieves are leading away the little thief.” Noticing a lad one day throwing stones at a cross (gibbet), “Well done,” he said, “you will hit your mark.” When some boys clustered round him and said, “Take care he doesn’t bite us,” he answered, “Never fear, boys, a dog does not eat beetroot.” To one who was proud of wearing a lion’s skin his words were, “Leave off dishonouring the habiliments of courage.” When some one was extolling the good fortune of Callisthenes and saying what splendour he shared in the suite of Alexander, “Not so,” said Diogenes, “but rather ill fortune; for he breakfasts and dines when Alexander thinks fit.”
2.45. Θεασάμενός ποτε τοὺς ἱερομνήμονας τῶν ταμιῶν τινα φιάλην ὑφῃρημένον ἀπάγοντας ἔφη, οἱ μεγάλοι κλέπται τὸν μικρὸν ἀπάγουσι. θεασάμενός ποτε μειράκιον λίθους βάλλον ἐπὶ σταυρόν, εὖγε, εἶπε, τεύξῃ γὰρ τοῦ σκοποῦ. πρὸς τὰ περιστάντα μειράκια καὶ εἰπόντα, βλέπωμεν μὴ δάκῃ ἡμᾶς, θαρρεῖτε, ἔφη, παιδία· κύων τευτλία οὐκ ἐσθίει. πρὸς τὸν ἐπὶ τῇ λεοντῇ θρυπτόμενον, παῦσαι, ἔφη, τὰ τῆς ἀρετῆς στρώματα καταισχύνων. πρὸς τὸν μακαρίζοντα Καλλισθένην καὶ λέγοντα ὡς πολυτελῶν παρʼ Ἀλεξάνδρῳ μετέχει, κακοδαίμων μὲν οὖν ἐστιν, εἶπεν, ὃς καὶ ἀριστᾷ καὶ δειπνεῖ ὅταν Ἀλεξάνδρῳ δόξῃ.
2.46. Being short of money, he told his friends that he applied to them not for alms, but for repayment of his due. When behaving indecently in the marketplace, he wished it were as easy to relieve hunger by rubbing an empty stomach. Seeing a youth starting off to dine with satraps, he dragged him off, took him to his friends and bade them keep strict watch over him. When a youth effeminately attired put a question to him, he declined to answer unless he pulled up his robe and showed whether he was man or woman. A youth was playing cottabos in the baths. Diogenes said to him, “The better you play, the worse it is for you.” At a feast certain people kept throwing all the bones to him as they would have done to a dog. Thereupon he played a dog’s trick and drenched them.
2.46. Χρημάτων δεόμενος ἀπαιτεῖν ἔλεγε τοὺς φίλους, οὐκ αἰτεῖν. ἐπʼ ἀγορᾶς ποτε χειρουργῶν, εἴθε, ἔφη, καὶ τὴν κοιλίαν ἦν παρατρίψαντα μὴ πεινῆν. μειράκιον θεασάμενος μετὰ σατραπῶν ἐπὶ δεῖπνον ἀπιόν, ἀποσπάσας πρὸς τοὺς οἰκείους ἀπήγαγε καὶ ἐκέλευσε τηρεῖν. πρὸς τὸ κεκοσμημένον μειράκιον πυθόμενόν τι ἔφη οὐ πρότερον λέξειν αὐτῷ, εἰ μὴ ἀνασυράμενος δείξειε πότερον γυνή ἐστιν ἢ ἀνήρ. πρὸς τὸ κοτταβίζον ἐν τῷ βαλανείῳ μειράκιόν φησιν, ὅσῳ βέλτιον, τοσούτῳ χεῖρον. ἐν δείπνῳ προσερρίπτουν αὐτῷ τινες ὀστάρια ὡς κυνί· καὶ ὃς ἀπαλλαττόμενος προσεούρησεν αὐτοῖς ὡς κύων.
2.47. Rhetoricians and all who talked for reputation he used to call “thrice human,” meaning thereby “thrice wretched.” An ignorant rich man he used to call “the sheep with the golden fleece.” Seeing a notice on the house of a profligate, “To be sold,” he said, “I knew well that after such surfeiting you would throw up the owner.” To a young man who complained of the number of people who annoyed him by their attentions he said, “Cease to hang out a sign of invitation.” Of a public bath which was dirty he said, “When people have bathed here, where are they to go to get clean?” There was a stout musician whom everybody depreciated and Diogenes alone praised. When asked why, he said, “Because being so big, he yet sings to his lute and does not turn brigand.”
2.47. Τοὺς ῥήτορας καὶ πάντας τοὺς ἐνδοξολογοῦντας τρισανθρώπους ἀπεκάλει ἀντὶ τοῦ τρισαθλίους. τὸν ἀμαθῆ πλούσιον πρόβατον εἶπε χρυσόμαλλον. θεασάμενος ἐπὶ ἀσώτου οἰκίᾳ ἐπιγεγραμμένον, πράσιμος, ᾔδειν, εἶπεν, ὅτι οὕτω κραιπαλῶσα ῥᾳδίως ἐξεμέσοις τὸν κεκτημένον. πρὸς τὸ καταιτιώμενον μειράκιον τὸ πλῆθος τῶν ἐνοχλούντων, παῦσαι γάρ, ἔφη, καὶ σὺ τὰ δείγματα τοῦ πασχητιῶντος περιφέρων. πρὸς τὸ ῥυπαρὸν βαλανεῖον, οἱ ἐνθάδε, ἔφη, λουσάμενοι ποῦ λοῦνται; παχέος κιθαρῳδοῦ πρὸς πάντων μεμφομένου αὐτὸς μόνος ἐπῄνει· ἐρωτηθεὶς δὲ διὰ τί, ἔφη, ὅτι τηλικοῦτος ὢν κιθαρῳδεῖ καὶ οὐ λῃστεύει.
2.48. The musician who was always deserted by his audience he greeted with a “Hail chanticleer,” and when asked why he so addressed him, replied, “Because your song makes every one get up.” A young man was delivering a set speech, when Diogenes, having filled the front fold of his dress with lupins, began to eat them, standing right opposite to him. Having thus drawn off the attention of the assemblage, he said he was greatly surprised that they should desert the orator to look at himself. A very superstitious person addressed him thus, “With one blow I will break your head.” “And I,” said Diogenes, “by a sneeze from the left will make you tremble.” Hegesias having asked him to lend him one of his writings, he said, “You are a simpleton, Hegesias; you do not choose painted figs, but real ones; and yet you pass over the true training and would apply yourself to written rules.”
2.48. Τὸν κιθαρῳδὸν ἀεὶ καταλειπόμενον ὑπὸ τῶν ἀκροατῶν ἠσπάσατο, χαῖρε ἀλέκτορ· τοῦ δὲ εἰπόντος, διὰ τί; ὅτι, ἔφη, ᾅδων πάντας ἐγείρεις. μειρακίου ἐπιδεικνυμένου πληρώσας τὸ προκόλπιον θέρμων ἀντικρὺ ἔκαπτε· τοῦ δὲ πλήθους εἰς αὐτὸν ἀφορῶντος θαυμάζειν ἔφη πῶς ἐκεῖνον ἀφέντες εἰς αὐτὸν ὁρῶσι. λέγοντος δʼ αὐτῷ τινος ἰσχυρῶς δεισιδαίμονος, μιᾷ πληγῇ τὴν κεφαλήν σου διαρρήξω, ἐγὼ δέ γε, εἶπε, πταρὼν ἐξ ἀριστερῶν τρέμειν σε ποιήσω. Ἡγησίου παρακαλοῦντος χρῆσαί τι αὐτῷ τῶν συγγραμμάτων, μάταιος, ἔφη, τυγχάνεις, ὦ Ἡγησία, ὃς ἰσχάδας μὲν γραπτὰς οὐχ αἱρῇ, ἀλλὰ τὰς ἀληθινάς· ἄσκησιν δὲ παριδὼν τὴν ἀληθινὴν ἐπὶ τὴν γεγραμμένην ὁρμᾷς.
2.49. When some one reproached him with his exile, his reply was, “Nay, it was through that, you miserable fellow, that I came to be a philosopher.” Again, when some one reminded him that the people of Sinope had sentenced him to exile, “And I them,” said he, “to home-staying.” Once he saw an Olympic victor tending sheep and thus accosted him: “Too quickly, my good friend, have you left Olympia for Nemea.” Being asked why athletes are so stupid, his answer was, “Because they are built up of pork and beef.” He once begged alms of a statue, and, when asked why he did so, replied, “To get practice in being refused.” In asking alms —as he did at first by reason of his poverty— he used this form: “If you have already given to anyone else, give to me also; if not, begin with me.”
2.49. Πρός τε τὸν ὀνειδίσαντα αὐτῷ τὴν φυγήν, ἀλλὰ τούτου γʼ ἕνεκεν, εἶπεν, ὦ κακόδαιμον, ἐφιλοσόφησα. καὶ πάλιν εἰπόντος τινός, Σινωπεῖς σου φυγὴν κατέγνωσαν, ἐγὼ δέ γε, εἶπεν, ἐκείνων μονήν. ἰδών ποτʼ Ὀλυμπιονίκην πρόβατα νέμοντα, ταχέως, εἶπεν, ὦ βέλτιστε, μετέβης ἀπὸ τῶν Ὀλυμπίων ἐπὶ τὰ Νέμεα. ἐρωτηθεὶς διὰ τί οἱ ἀθληταὶ ἀναίσθητοί εἰσιν, ἔφη, ὅτι κρέασιν ὑείοις καὶ βοείοις ἀνῳκοδόμηνται. ᾔτει ποτὲ ἀνδριάντα· ἐρωτηθεὶς δὲ διὰ τί τοῦτο ποιεῖ, μελετῶ, εἶπεν, ἀποτυγχάνειν. αἰτῶν τινα—καὶ γὰρ τοῦτο πρῶτον ἐποίει διὰ τὴν ἀπορίαν —ἔφη, εἰ μὲν καὶ ἄλλῳ δέδωκας, δὸς κἀμοί· εἰ δὲ μή, ἀπʼ ἐμοῦ ἄρξαι.
2.50. On being asked by a tyrant what bronze is best for a statue, he replied, “That of which Harmodius and Aristogiton were moulded.” Asked how Dionysius treated his friends, “Like purses,” he replied; “so long as they are full, he hangs them up, and, when they are empty, he throws them away.” Some one lately wed had set up on his door the notice:The son of Zeus, victorious Heracles,Dwells here; let nothing evil enter in.To which Diogenes added “After war, alliance.” The love of money he declared to be mother-city of all evils. Seeing a spendthrift eating olives in a tavern, he said, “If you had breakfasted in this fashion, you would not so be dining.”
2.50. Ἐρωτηθείς ποτε ὑπὸ τυράννου ποῖος εἴη ἀμείνων χαλκὸς εἰς ἀνδριάντα, ἔφη, ἀφʼ οὗ Ἁρμόδιος καὶ Ἀριστογείτων ἐχαλκεύθησαν. ἐρωτηθεὶς πῶς χρῆται Διονύσιος τοῖς φίλοις, ἔφη, ὡς θυλάκοις, τοὺς μὲν πλήρεις κρημνῶν, τοὺς δὲ κενοὺς ῥίπτων. νεογάμου ἐπιγράψαντος ἐπὶ τὴν οἰκίαν,ὁ τοῦ Διὸς παῖς καλλίνικος Ἡρακλῆςἐνθάδε κατοικεῖ. μηδὲν εἰσίτω κακόν·ἐπέγραψε· μετὰ τὸν πόλεμον ἡ συμμαχία. τὴν φιλαργυρίαν εἶπε μητρόπολιν πάντων τῶν κακῶν. ἄσωτον θεασάμενος ἐν πανδοκείῳ ἐλάας ἐσθίοντʼ ἔφη, εἰ οὕτως ἠρίστας, οὐκ ἂν οὕτως ἐδείπνεις.
2.51. Good men he called images of the gods, and love the business of the idle. To the question what is wretched in life he replied, “An old man destitute.” Being asked what creature’s bite is the worst, he said, “Of those that are wild a sycophant’s; of those that are tame a flatterer’s.” Upon seeing two centaurs very badly painted, he asked, “Which of these is Chiron?” (worse man). Ingratiating speech he compared to honey used to choke you. The stomach he called livelihood’s Charybdis. Hearing a report that Didymon the flute-player had been caught in adultery, his comment was, “His name alone is sufficient to hang him.” To the question why gold is pale, his reply was, “Because it has so many thieves plotting against it.” On seeing a woman carried in a litter, he remarked that the cage was not in keeping with the quarry.
2.51. Τοὺς ἀγαθοὺς ἄνδρας θεῶν εἰκόνας εἶναι· τὸν ἔρωτα σχολαζόντων ἀσχολίαν. ἐρωτηθεὶς τί ἄθλιον ἐν βίῳ, ἔφη, γέρων ἄπορος. ἐρωτηθεὶς τί τῶν θηρίων κάκιστα δάκνει, ἔφη, τῶν μὲν ἀγρίων συκοφάντης, τῶν δὲ ἡμέρων κόλαξ. ἰδών ποτε δύο κενταύρους κάκιστα ἐζωγραφημένους ἔφη· πότερος τούτων Χείρων ἐστί; τὸν πρὸς χάριν λόγον ἔφη μελιτίνην ἀγχόνην εἶναι. τὴν γαστέρα Χάρυβδιν ἔλεγε τοῦ βίου. ἀκούσας ποτὲ ὅτι Διδύμων ὁ αὐλητὴς μοιχὸς ἑάλω, ἄξιος, ἔφη, ἐκ τοῦ ὀνόματος κρέμασθαι. ἐρωτηθεὶς διὰ τί τὸ χρυσίον χλωρόν ἐστιν, ἔφη, ὅτι πολλοὺς ἔχει τοὺς ἐπιβουλεύοντας. ἰδὼν γυναῖκα ἐν φορείῳ, οὐ κατὰ τὸ θηρίον, ἔφη, ἡ γαλεάγρα.
2.52. One day seeing a runaway slave sitting on the brink of a well, he said, “Take care, my lad, you don’t fall in.” Seeing a boy taking clothes at the baths, he asked, “Is it for a little unguent (ἀλειμμάτιον) or is it for a new cloak (ἄλλ’ ἱμάτιον)?” Seeing some women hanged from an olive-tree, he said, “Would that every tree bore similar fruit.” On seeing a footpad he accosted him thus:What mak’st thou here, my gallant?Com’st thou perchance for plunder of the dead?Being asked whether he had any maid or boy to wait on him, he said “No.” “If you should die, then, who will carry you out to burial?” “Whoever wants the house,” he replied.
2.52. Ἰδών ποτε δραπέτην ἐπὶ φρέατι καθήμενον ἔφη, μειράκιον, βλέπε μὴ ἐμπέσῃς. ἰδὼν [μειρακύλλιον] ἱματιοκλέπτην ἐν τῷ βαλανείῳ ἔφη, ἐπʼ ἀλειμμάτιον ἢ ἐπʼ ἄλλʼ ἱμάτιον; ἰδών ποτε γυναῖκας ἀπʼ ἐλαίας ἀπηγχονισμένας, εἴθε γάρ, ἔφη, πάντα τὰ δένδρα τοιοῦτον καρπὸν ἤνεγκεν. ἰδὼν λωποδύτην ἔφη,τἰπτε σὺ ὧδε, φέριστε;ἦ τινα συλήσων νεκύων κατατεθνηώτων;ἐρωτηθεὶς εἰ παιδισκάριον ἢ παιδάριον ἔχοι, ἔφη, οὔ· τοῦ δὲ εἰπόντος, ἐὰν οὖν ἀποθάνῃς, τίς σε ἐξοίσει; ἔφη, ὁ χρῄζων τῆς οἰκίας.
2.53. Noticing a good-looking youth lying in an exposed position, he nudged him and cried, “Up, man, up, lest some foe thrust a dart into thy back!” To one who was feasting lavishly he said: “Short-liv’d thou’lt be, my son, by what thou—buy’st.” As Plato was conversing about Ideas and using the nouns “tablehood” and “cuphood,” he said, “Table and cup I see; but your tablehood and cuphood, Plato, I can nowise see.” “That’s readily accounted for,” said Plato, “for you have the eyes to see the visible table and cup; but not the understanding by which ideal tablehood and cuphood are discerned.”
2.53. Μειράκιον εὔμορφον ἀφυλάκτως ἰδὼν κοιμώμενον, νύξας, ἐπέγειραι, ἔφη, μή τίς τοι εὕδοντι μεταφρένῳ ἐν δόρυ πήξῃ. πρὸς τὸν πολυτελῶς ὀψωνοῦντα, ὠκύμορος δή μοι, τέκος, ἔσσεαι, οἷʼ ἀγοράζεις; Πλάτωνος περὶ ἰδεῶν διαλεγομένου καὶ ὀνομάζοντος τραπεζότητα καὶ κυαθότητα, ἐγώ, εἶπεν, ὦ Πλάτων, τράπεζαν μὲν καὶ κύαθον ὁρῶ· τραπεζότητα δὲ καὶ κυαθότητα οὐδαμῶς· καὶ ὅς, κατὰ λόγον, ἔφη· οἷς μὲν γὰρ κύαθος καὶ τράπεζα θεωρεῖται, ὀφθαλμοὺς ἔχεις· ᾧ δὲ τραπεζότης καὶ κυαθότης βλέπεται, νοῦν οὐκ ἔχεις.
2.54. On being asked by somebody, “What sort of a man do you consider Diogenes to be?” “A Socrates gone mad,” said he. Being asked what was the right time to marry, Diogenes replied, “For a young man not yet: for an old man never at all.” Being asked what he would take to be soundly cuffed, he replied, “A helmet.” Seeing a youth dressing with elaborate care, he said, “If it’s for men, you’re a fool; if for women, a knave.” One day he detected a youth blushing. “Courage,” quoth he, “that is the hue of virtue.” One day after listening to a couple of lawyers disputing, he condemned them both, saying that the one had no doubt stolen, but the other had not lost anything. To the question what wine he found pleasant to drink, he replied, “That for which other people pay.” When he was told that many people laughed at him, he made answer, “But I am not laughed down.”
2.54. Ἐρωτηθεὶς ὑπό τινος, ποῖός τίς σοι Διογένης δοκεῖ; Σωκράτης, εἶπε, μαινόμενος. ἐρωτηθεὶς ποίῳ καιρῷ δεῖ γαμεῖν, ἔφη, τοὺς μὲν νέους μηδέπω, τοὺς δὲ πρεσβυτέρους μηδεπώποτε. ἐρωτηθεὶς τί θέλοι κονδύλου λαβεῖν, περικεφαλαίαν, ἔφη. μειράκιον ἰδὼν καλλωπιζόμενον ἔφη, εἰ μὲν πρὸς ἄνδρας, ἀτυχεῖς· εἰ δὲ πρὸς γυναῖκας, ἀδικεῖς. ἰδών ποτε μειράκιον ἐρυθριῶν, θάρρει, ἔφη· τοιοῦτόν ἐστι τῆς ἀρετῆς τὸ χρῶμα. δυοῖν ποτε νομικοῖν ἀκούσας τοὺς δύο κατέκρινεν, εἰπὼν τὸν μὲν κεκλοφέναι, τὸν δὲ μὴ ἀπολωλεκέναι. ἐρωτηθεὶς ποῖον οἶνον ἡδέως πίνει, ἔφη, τὸν ἀλλότριον. πρὸς τὸν εἰπόντα, πολλοί σου καταγελῶσιν, ἀλλʼ ἐγώ, ἔφη, οὐ καταγελῶμαι.
2.55. When some one declared that life is an evil, he corrected him: “Not life itself, but living ill.” When he was advised to go in pursuit of his runaway slave, he replied, “It would be absurd, if Manes can live without Diogenes, but Diogenes cannot get on without Manes.” When breakfasting on olives amongst which a cake had been inserted, he flung it away and addressed it thus: “Stranger, betake thee from the princes’ path.” And on another occasion thus: “He lashed an olive.” Being asked what kind of hound he was, he replied, “When hungry, a Maltese; when full, a Molossian —two breeds which most people praise, though for fear of fatigue they do not venture out hunting with them. So neither can you live with me, because you are afraid of the discomforts.”
2.55. Πρὸς τὸν εἰπόντα κακὸν εἶναι τὸ ζῆν, οὐ τὸ ζῆν, εἶπεν, ἀλλὰ τὸ κακῶς ζῆν. πρὸς τοὺς συμβουλεύοντας τὸν ἀποδράντα αὐτοῦ δοῦλον ζητεῖν, γελοῖον, ἔφη, εἰ Μάνης μὲν χωρὶς Διογένους ζῇ, Διογένης δὲ χωρὶς Μάνου οὐ δυνήσεται. ἀριστῶν ἐλάας, πλακοῦντος ἐπεισενεχθέντος, ῥίψας φησίν, ὦ ξένε, τυράννοις ἐκποδὼν μεθίστασο· καὶ ἄλλοτε, μάστιξεν δʼ ἐλάαν. ἐρωτηθεὶς ποταπὸς εἴη κύων; ἔφη πεινῶν μὲν Μελιταῖος, χορτασθεὶς δὲ Μολοττικός, τούτων οὓς ἐπαινοῦντες οἱ πολλοὶ οὐ τολμῶσι διὰ τὸν πόνον συνεξιέναι αὐτοῖς ἐπὶ τὴν θήραν· οὕτως οὐδʼ ἐμοὶ δύνασθε συμβιοῦν διὰ τὸν φόβον τῶν ἀλγηδόνων.
2.56. Being asked if the wise eat cakes, “Yes,” he said, “cakes of all kinds, just like other men.” Being asked why people give to beggars but not to philosophers, he said, “Because they think they may one day be lame or blind, but never expect that they will turn to philosophy.” He was begging of a miserly man who was slow to respond; so he said, “My friend, it’s for food that I’m asking, not for funeral expenses.” Being reproached one day for having falsified the currency, he said, “That was the time when I was such as you are now; but such as I am now, you will never be.” To another who reproached him for the same offence he made a more scurrilous repartee.
2.56. Ἐρωτηθεὶς εἰ οἱ σοφοὶ πλακοῦντα ἐσθίουσι, πάντα, εἶπεν, ὡς καὶ οἱ λοιποὶ ἄνθρωποι. ἐρωτηθεὶς διὰ τί προσαίταις μὲν ἐπιδιδόασι, φιλοσόφοις δὲ οὔ, ἔφη, ὅτι χωλοὶ μὲν καὶ τυφλοὶ γενέσθαι ἐλπίζουσι, φιλοσοφῆσαι δʼ οὐδέποτε. φιλάργυρον ᾔτει· τοῦ δὲ βραδύνοντος, ἄνθρωπε, εἶπεν, εἰς τροφήν σε αἰτῶ, οὐκ εἰς ταφήν. ὀνειδιζόμενός ποτε ἐπὶ τῷ παραχαράξαι τὸ νόμισμα ἔφη, ἦν ποτε χρόνος ἐκεῖνος ὅτʼ ἤμην ἐγὼ τοιοῦτος ὁποῖος σὺ νῦν· ὁποῖος δʼ ἐγὼ νῦν, σὺ οὐδέποτε. καὶ πρὸς ἄλλον ἐπὶ τῷ αὐτῷ ὀνειδίσαντα, καὶ γὰρ ἐνεούρουν θᾶττον, ἀλλὰ νῦν οὔ.
2.57. On coming to Myndus and finding the gates large, though the city itself was very small, he cried, “Men of Myndus, bar your gates, lest the city should run away.” Seeing a man who had been caught stealing purple, he said: “Fast gripped by purple death and forceful fate.” When Craterus wanted him to come and visit him, “No,” he replied, “I would rather live on a few grains of salt at Athens than enjoy sumptuous fare at Craterus’s table.” He went up to Anaximenes the rhetorician, who was fat, and said, “Let us beggars have something of your paunch; it will be a relief to you, and we shall get advantage.” And when the same man was discoursing, Diogenes distracted his audience by producing some salt fish. This annoyed the lecturer, and Diogenes said, “An obol’s worth of salt fish has broken up Anaximenes’ lecture-class.”
2.57. Εἰς Μύνδον ἐλθὼν καὶ θεασάμενος μεγάλας τὰς πύλας, μικρὰν δὲ τὴν πόλιν, ἄνδρες Μύνδιοι, ἔφη, κλείσατε τὰς πύλας, μὴ ἡ πόλις ὑμῶν ἐξέλθῃ. θεασάμενός ποτε πορφυροκλέπτην πεφωραμένον ἔφη, ἔλλαβε πορφύρεος θάνατος καὶ Μοῖρα κραταιή. Κρατέρου ἀξιοῦντος πρὸς αὐτὸν ἀπιέναι, ἀλλὰ βούλομαι, ἔφη, ἐν Ἀθήναις ἅλα λείχειν ἢ παρὰ Κρατέρῳ τῆς πολυτελοῦς τραπέζης ἀπολαύειν. Ἀναξιμένει τῷ ῥήτορι παχεῖ ὄντι προσελθών, ἐπίδος καὶ ἡμῖν, ἔφη, τοῖς πτωχοῖς τῆς γαστρός· καὶ γὰρ αὐτὸς κουφισθήσῃ καὶ ἡμᾶς ὠφελήσεις. διαλεγομένου ποτὲ τοῦ αὐτοῦ τάριχος προτείνας περιέσπασε τοὺς ἀκροατάς· ἀγανακτοῦντος δέ, τὴν Ἀναξιμένους, ἔφη, διάλεξιν ὀβολοῦ τάριχος διαλέλυκεν.
2.58. Being reproached for eating in the market-place, “Well, it was in the market-place,” he said, “that I felt hungry.” Some authors affirm that the following also belongs to him: that Plato saw him washing lettuces, came up to him and quietly said to him, “Had you paid court to Dionysius, you wouldn’t now be washing lettuces,” and that he with equal calmness made answer, “If you had washed lettuces, you wouldn’t have paid court to Dionysius.” When some one said, “Most people laugh at you,” his reply was, “And so very likely do the asses at them; but as they don’t care for the asses, so neither do I care for them.” One day observing a youth studying philosophy, he said, “Well done, Philosophy, that thou divertest admirers of bodily charms to the real beauty of the soul.”
2.58. Ὀνειδιζόμενός ποτε ὅτι ἐν ἀγορᾷ ἔφαγεν, ἐν ἀγορᾷ γάρ, ἔφη, καὶ ἐπείνησα. ἔνιοι δὲ τούτου φασὶν εἶναι κἀκεῖνο, ὅτι Πλάτων θεασάμενος αὐτὸν λάχανα πλύνοντα, προσελθὼν ἡσυχῆ εἴποι αὐτῷ· εἰ Διονύσιον ἐθεράπευες, οὐκ ἂν λάχανα ἔπλυνες· τὸν δʼ ἀποκρίνασθαι ὁμοίως ἡσυχῆ, καὶ σὺ εἰ λάχανα ἔπλυνες, οὐκ ἂν Διονύσιον ἐθεράπευες. πρὸς τὸν εἰπόντα, οἱ πλείους σου καταγελῶσι, κἀκείνων τυχόν, εἶπεν, οἱ ὄνοι· ἀλλʼ οὔτʼ ἐκεῖνοι τῶν ὄνων ἐπιστρέφονται, οὔτʼ ἐγὼ ἐκείνων. θεασάμενός ποτε μειράκιον φιλοσοφοῦν, εὖγε, εἶπεν, ὅτι τοὺς τοῦ σώματος ἐραστὰς ἐπὶ τὸ τῆς ψυχῆς κάλλος μετάγεις.
2.59. When some one expressed astonishment at the votive offerings in Samothrace, his comment was, “There would have been far more, if those who were not saved had set up offerings.” But others attribute this remark to Diagoras of Melos. To a handsome youth, who was going out to dinner, he said, “You will come back a worse man.” When he came back and said next day, “I went and am none the worse for it,” Diogenes said, “Not Worse-man (Chiron), but Lax-man (Eurytion).” He was asking alms of a bad-tempered man, who said, “Yes, if you can persuade me.” “If I could have persuaded you,” said Diogenes, “I would have persuaded you to hang yourself.” He was returning from Lacedaemon to Athens; and on some one asking, “Whither and whence?” he replied, “From the men’s apartments to the women’s.”
2.59. Θαυμάζοντός τινος τὰ ἐν Σαμοθράκῃ ἀναθήματα, ἔφη, πολλῷ ἂν ἦν πλείω εἰ καὶ οἱ μὴ σωθέντες ἀνετίθεσαν· οἱ δὲ τοῦτο Διαγόρου φασὶ τοῦ Μηλίου. εὐμόρφῳ μειρακίῳ ἀπιόντι εἰς συμπόσιον ἔφη, χείρων ἐπανήξεις· τοῦ δʼ ἐπανελθόντος καὶ τῇ ἑξῆς εἰπόντος, καὶ ἀπῆλθον καὶ χείρων οὐκ ἐγενόμην, ἔφη, Χείρων μὲν οὔ, Εὐρυτίων δέ. δύσκολον ᾔτει· τοῦ δʼ εἰπόντος, ἐάν με πείσῃς· ἔφη, εἴ σε ἐδυνάμην πεῖσαι, ἔπεισα ἄν σε ἀπάγξασθαι. ἐπανήρχετο ἐκ Λακεδαίμονος εἰς Ἀθήνας· πρὸς οὖν τὸν πυθόμενον, ποῖ καὶ πόθεν; ἐκ τῆς ἀνδρωνίτιδος, εἶπεν, εἰς τὴν γυναικωνῖτιν.
2.60. He was returning from Olympia, and when somebody inquired whether there was a great crowd, “Yes,” he said, “a great crowd, but few who could be called men.” Libertines he compared to figtrees growing upon a cliff: whose fruit is not enjoyed by any man, but is eaten by ravens and vultures. When Phryne set up a golden statue of Aphrodite in Delphi, Diogenes is said to have written upon it: “From the licentiousness of Greece.” Alexander once came and stood opposite him and said, “I am Alexander the great king.” “And I,” said he, “am Diogenes the Cynic.” Being asked what he had done to be called a hound, he said, “I fawn on those who give me anything, I yelp at those who refuse, and I set my teeth in rascals.”
2.60. Ἐπανῄει ἀπʼ Ὀλυμπίων· πρὸς οὖν τὸν πυθόμενον εἰ ὄχλος εἴη πολύς, πολὺς μέν, εἶπεν, ὁ ὄχλος, ὀλίγοι δʼ οἱ ἄνθρωποι. τοὺς ἀσώτους εἶπε παραπλησίους εἶναι συκαῖς ἐπὶ κρημνῷ πεφυκυίαις, ὧν τοῦ καρποῦ ἄνθρωπος μὲν οὐκ ἀπογεύεται, κόρακες δὲ καὶ γῦπες ἐσθίουσι. Φρύνης Ἀφροδίτην χρυσῆν ἀναθείσης ἐν Δελφοῖς φασὶ τοῦτον ἐπιγράψαι, ἀπὸ τῆς τῶν Ἑλλήνων ἀκρασίας. Ἀλεξάνδρου ποτὲ ἐπιστάντος αὐτῷ καὶ εἰπόντος, ἐγώ εἰμι Ἀλέξανδρος ὁ μέγας βασιλεύς, κἀγώ, φησί, Διογένης ὁ κύων. ἐρωτηθεὶς τί ποιῶν κύων καλεῖται, ἔφη, τοὺς μὲν διδόντας σαίνων, τοὺς δὲ μὴ διδόντας ὑλακτῶν, τοὺς δὲ πονηροὺς δάκνων.
2.61. He was gathering figs, and was told by the keeper that not long before a man had hanged himself on that very fig-tree. “Then,” said he, “I will now purge it.” Seeing an Olympian victor casting repeated glances at a courtesan, “See,” he said, “yonder ram frenzied for battle, how he is held fast by the neck fascinated by a common minx.” Handsome courtesans he would compare to a deadly honeyed potion. He was breakfasting in the marketplace, and the bystanders gathered round him with cries of “dog.” “It is you who are dogs,” cried he, “when you stand round and watch me at my breakfast.” When two cowards hid away from him, he called out, “Don’t be afraid, a hound is not fond of beetroot.”
2.61. Ἀπὸ συκῆς ὠπώριζε· τοῦ δὲ φυλάττοντος εἰπόντος, αὐτόθεν πρῴην ἄνθρωπος ἀπήγξατο, ἐγὼ οὖν, φησίν, αὐτὴν καθαρῶ. ἰδὼν Ὀλυμπιονίκην εἰς ἑταίραν πυκνότερον ἀτενίζοντα, ἴδε, ἔφη, κριὸν Ἀρειμάνιον ὡς ὑπὸ τοῦ τυχόντος κορασίου τραχηλίζεται. τὰς εὐπρεπεῖς ἑταίρας ἔλεγε θανασίμῳ μελικράτῳ παραπλησίας εἶναι. ἀριστῶντι αὐτῷ ἐν ἀγορᾷ οἱ περιεστῶτες συνεχὲς ἔλεγον, κύον· ὁ δέ, ὑμεῖς, εἶπεν, ἐστὲ κύνες, οἵ με ἀριστῶντα περιεστήκατε. δύο μαλακῶν περικρυπτομένων αὐτὸν ἔφη, μὴ εὐλαβεῖσθε· κύων τευτλία οὐ τρώγει. περὶ παιδὸς πεπορνευκότος ἐρωτηθεὶς πόθεν εἴη, Τεγεάτης, ἔφη.
2.62. After seeing a stupid wrestler practising as a doctor he inquired of him, “What does this mean? Is it that you may now have your revenge on the rivals who formerly beat you?” Seeing the child of a courtesan throw stones at a crowd, he cried out, “Take care you don’t hit your father.” A boy having shown him a dagger that he had received from an admirer, Diogenes remarked, “A pretty blade with an ugly handle.” When some people commended a person who had given him a gratuity, he broke in with “You have no praise for me who was worthy to receive it.” When some one asked that he might have back his cloak, “If it was a gift,” replied Diogenes, “I possess it; while, if it was a loan, I am using it.” A supposititious son having told him that he had gold in the pocket of his dress, “True,” said he, “and therefore you sleep with it under your pillow.”
2.62. ἀφυῆ παλαιστὴν θεασάμενος ἰατρεύοντα ἔφη, τί τοῦτο; ἢ ἵνα τούς ποτέ σε νικήσαντας νῦν καταβάλῃς; θεασάμενος υἱὸν ἑταίρας λίθον εἰς ὄχλον βάλλοντα, πρόσεχε, ἔφη, μὴ τὸν πατέρα πλήξῃς. Δείξαντος αὐτῷ παιδαρίου μάχαιραν ἣν εἰλήφει παρʼ ἐραστοῦ, ἡ μὲν μάχαιρα, ἔφη, καλή, ἡ δὲ λαβὴ αἰσχρά· ἐπαινούντων τινῶν τὸν ἐπιδόντα αὐτῷ ἔφη, ἐμὲ δʼ οὐκ ἐπαινεῖτε τὸν ἄξιον λαβεῖν. ἀπαιτούμενος ὑπό τινος τρίβωνα ἔφη, εἰ μὲν ἐχαρίσω, ἔχω· εἰ δʼ ἔχρησας, χρῶμαι. ὑποβολιμαίου τινὸς εἰπόντος αὐτῷ ὅτι χρυσὸν ἔχοι ἐν τῷ ἱματίῳ, ναί, ἔφη, διὰ τοῦτο αὐτὸ ὑποβεβλημένος κοιμᾷ.
2.63. On being asked what he had gained from philosophy, he replied, “This at least, if nothing else—to be prepared for every fortune.” Asked where he came from, he said, “I am a citizen of the world.” Certain parents were sacrificing to the gods, that a son might be born to them. “But,” said he, “do you not sacrifice to ensure what manner of man he shall turn out to be?” When asked for a subscription towards a club, he said to the president: “Despoil the rest; off Hector keep thy hands.” The mistresses of kings he designated queens; for, said he, they make the kings do their bidding. When the Athenians gave Alexander the title of Dionysus, he said, “Me too you might make Sarapis.” Some one having reproached him for going into dirty places, his reply was that the sun too visits cesspools without being defiled.
2.63. ἐρωτηθεὶς τί αὐτῷ περιγέγονεν ἐκ φιλοσοφίας, ἔφη, εἰ καὶ μηδὲν ἄλλο, τὸ γοῦν πρὸς πᾶσαν τύχην παρεσκευάσθαι. ἐρωτηθεὶς πόθεν εἴη, κοσμοπολίτης, ἔφη. θυόντων τινῶν τοῖς θεοῖς ἐπὶ τῷ υἱὸν γενέσθαι, ἔφη, περὶ δὲ τοῦ ποδαπὸς ἐκβῇ οὐ θύετε; ἔρανόν ποτʼ ἀπαιτούμενος πρὸς τὸν ἐρανάρχην ἔφη, τοὺς ἄλλους ἐράνιζʼ, ἀπὸ δʼ Ἕκτορος ἴσχεο χεῖρας. Τὰς ἑταίρας ἔφη βασιλέων εἶναι βασιλίσσας· πράττειν γὰρ ὅ τι ἂν δόξῃ αὐταῖς. ψηφισαμένων Ἀθηναίων Ἀλέξανδρον Διόνυσον, κἀμέ, ἔφη, Σάραπιν ποιήσατε. πρὸς τὸν ὀνειδίζοντα ὅτι εἰς τόπους ἀκαθάρτους εἰσίοι, καὶ γὰρ ὁ ἥλιος, ἔφη, εἰς τοὺς ἀποπάτους, ἀλλʼ οὐ μιαίνεται.
2.64. When he was dining in a temple, and in the course of the meal loaves not free from dirt were put on the table, he took them up and threw them away, declaring that nothing unclean ought to enter a temple. To the man who said to him, “You don’t know anything, although you are a philosopher,” he replied, “Even if I am but a pretender to wisdom, that in itself is philosophy.” When some one brought a child to him and declared him to be highly gifted and of excellent character, “What need then,” said he, “has he of me?” Those who say admirable things, but fail to do them, he compared to a harp; for the harp, like them, he said, has neither hearing nor perception. He was going into a theatre, meeting face to face those who were coming out, and being asked why, “This,” he said, “is what I practise doing all my life.”
2.64. Ἐν ἱερῷ δειπνῶν, μεταξὺ ῥυπαρῶν ἄρτων παρατεθέντων, ἄρας αὐτοὺς ἔρριψεν, εἰπὼν εἰς ἱερὸν μηδὲν δεῖν ῥυπαρὸν εἰσιέναι. πρὸς τὸν εἰπόντα, οὐδὲν εἰδὼς φιλοσοφεῖς, ἔφη, εἰ καὶ προσποιοῦμαι σοφίαν, καὶ τοῦτο φιλοσοφεῖν ἐστι. πρὸς τὸν συνιστάντα τὸν παῖδα καὶ λέγοντα ὡς εὐφυέστατός ἐστι καὶ τὰ ἤθη κράτιστος, τί οὖν, εἶπεν, ἐμοῦ χρῄζει; τοὺς λέγοντας μὲν τὰ σπουδαῖα, μὴ ποιοῦντας δέ, ἔλεγε μηδὲν διαφέρειν κιθάρας· καὶ γὰρ ταύτην μήτʼ ἀκούειν μήτʼ αἰσθάνεσθαι. εἰς θέατρον εἰσῄει ἐναντίος τοῖς ἐξιοῦσιν· ἐρωτηθεὶς δὲ διὰ τί, τοῦτο, ἔφη, ἐν παντὶ τῷ βίῳ ἐπιτηδεύω ποιεῖν.
2.65. Seeing a young man behaving effeminately, “Are you not ashamed,” he said, “that your own intention about yourself should be worse than nature’s: for nature made you a man, but you are forcing yourself to play the woman.” Observing a fool tuning a psaltery, “Are you not ashamed,” said he, “to give this wood concordant sounds, while you fail to harmonize your soul with life?” To one who protested that he was ill adapted for the study of philosophy, he said, “Why then do you live, if you do not care to live well?” To one who despised his father, “Are you not ashamed,” he said, “to despise him to whom you owe it that you can so pride yourself?” Noticing a handsome youth chattering in unseemly fashion, “Are you not ashamed,” he said, “to draw a dagger of lead from an ivory scabbard?”
2.65. Ἰδών ποτε νεανίσκον θηλυνόμενον, οὐκ αἰσχύνῃ, ἔφη, χείρονα τῆς φύσεως περὶ σεαυτοῦ βουλευόμενος; ἡ μὲν γάρ σε ἄνδρα ἐποίησε, σὺ δὲ σεαυτὸν βιάζῃ γυναῖκα εἶναι. ἰδὼν ἄφρονα ψαλτήριον ἁρμοζόμενον οὐκ αἰσχύνῃ, ἔφη, τοὺς μὲν φθόγγους τῷ ξύλῳ προσαρμόττων, τὴν δὲ ψυχὴν εἰς τὸν βίον μὴ ἁρμόττων; πρὸς τὸν εἰπόντα, ἀνεπιτήδειός εἰμι πρὸς φιλοσοφίαν, τί οὖν, ἔφη, ζῇς, εἰ τοῦ καλῶς ζῆν μὴ μέλει σοι; πρὸς τὸν καταφρονοῦντα τοῦ πατρός, οὐκ αἰσχύνῃ, ἔφη, καταφρονῶν τούτου διʼ ὃν μέγα φρονεῖς; ἰδὼν εὐπρεπῆ νεανίσκον ἀπρεπῶς λαλοῦντα, οὐκ αἰσχύνῃ, ἔφη, ἐξ ἐλεφαντίνου κολεοῦ μολυβδίνην ἕλκων μάχαιραν;
2.66. Being reproached with drinking in a tavern, “Well,” said he, “I also get my hair cut in a barber’s shop.” Being reproached with accepting a cloak from Antipater, he replied: “The gods’ choice gifts are nowise to be spurned.” When some one first shook a beam at him and then shouted “Look out,” Diogenes struck the man with his staff and added “Look out.” To a man who was urgently pressing his suit to a courtesan he said, “Why, hapless man, are you at such pains to gain your suit, when it would be better for you to lose it?” To one with perfumed hair he said, “Beware lest the sweet scent on your head cause an ill odour in your life.” He said that bad men obey their lusts as servants obey their masters.
2.66. Ὀνειδιζόμενος ὅτι ἐν καπηλείῳ πίνει, καὶ γὰρ ἐν κουρείῳ, φησί, κείρομαι. ὀνειδιζόμενος ὅτι παρʼ Ἀντιπάτρου τριβώνιον ἔλαβεν, ἔφη, οὔτοι ἀπόβλητʼ ἐστὶ θεῶν ἐρικυδέα δῶρα. Πρὸς τὸν ἐνσείσαντα αὐτῷ δοκόν, εἶτα εἰπόντα, φύλαξαι, πλήξας αὐτὸν τῇ βακτηρίᾳ εἶπε, φύλαξαι. πρὸς τὸν λιπαροῦντα τὴν ἑταίραν, τί θέλεις, ἔφη, τυχεῖν, ὦ ταλαίπωρε, οὗ τὸ ἀποτυχεῖν ἄμεινόν ἐστι; πρὸς τὸν μυριζόμενον, βλέπε, εἶπε, μὴ ἡ τῆς κεφαλῆς σου εὐωδία δυσωδίαν σου τῷ βίῳ παράσχῃ. τοὺς μὲν οἰκέτας ἔφη τοῖς δεσπόταις, τοὺς δὲ φαύλους ταῖς ἐπιθυμίαις δουλεύειν.
2.67. The question being asked why footmen are so called, he replied, “Because they have the feet of men, but souls such as you, my questioner, have.” He asked a spendthrift for a mina. The man inquired why it was that he asked others for an obol but him for a mina. “Because,” said Diogenes, “I expect to receive from others again, but whether I shall ever get anything from you again lies on the knees of the gods.” Being reproached with begging when Plato did not beg, “Oh yes,” says he, “he does, but when he does so—” ““He holds his head down close, that none may hear.” ” Seeing a bad archer, he sat down beside the target with the words “in order not to get hit.”
2.67. Ἐρωτηθεὶς διὰ τί ἀνδράποδα ἐκλήθη, ὅτι, φησί, τοὺς πόδας ἀνδρῶν εἶχον, τὴν δὲ ψυχὴν ὁποίαν σὺ νῦν ὁ ἐξετάζων. ἄσωτον ᾔτει μνᾶν· πυθομένου δὲ διὰ τί τοὺς μὲν ἄλλους ὀβολὸν αἰτεῖ, αὐτὸν δὲ μνᾶν, ὅτι, εἶπε, παρὰ μὲν τῶν ἄλλων πάλιν ἐλπίζω λαβεῖν, παρὰ δὲ σοῦ θεῶν ἐν γούνασι κεῖται εἰ πάλιν λήψομαι. ὀνειδιζόμενος ὅτι αὐτὸς αἰτεῖ, Πλάτωνος μὴ αἰτοῦντος, κἀκεῖνος, εἶπεν, αἰτεῖ, ἀλλʼ ἄγχι σχὼν κεφαλήν, ἵνα μὴ πευθοίαθʼ οἱ ἄλλοι. ἰδὼν τοξότην ἀφυῆ παρὰ τὸν σκοπὸν ἐκάθισεν, εἰπών, ἵνα μὴ πληγῶ τοὺς ἐρῶντας ἔφη πρὸς ἡδονὴν ἀτυχεῖν.
2.68. Lovers, he declared, derive their pleasures from their misfortune. Being asked whether death was an evil thing, he replied, “How can it be evil, when in its presence we are not aware of it?” When Alexander stood opposite him and asked, “Are you not afraid of me?” “Why, what are you?” said he, “a good thing or a bad?” Upon Alexander replying “A good thing,” “Who then,” said Diogenes, “is afraid of the good?” Education, according to him, is a controlling grace to the young, consolation to the old, wealth to the poor, and ornament to the rich. When Didymon, who was a rake, was once treating a girl’s eye, “Beware,” says Diogenes, “lest the oculist instead of curing the eye should ruin the pupil.” On somebody declaring that his own friends were plotting against him, Diogenes exclaimed, “What is to be done then, if you have to treat friends and enemies alike?”
2.68. Ἐρωτηθεὶς εἰ κακὸν ὁ θάνατος, πῶς, εἶπε, κακός, οὗ παρόντος οὐκ αἰσθανόμεθα; πρὸς Ἀλέξανδρον ἐπιστάντα καὶ εἰπόντα, οὐ φοβῇ με; τί γάρ, εἶπεν, εἶ; ἀγαθὸν ἢ κακόν; τοῦ δὲ εἰπόντος, ἀγαθόν, τίς οὖν, εἶπε, τὸ ἀγαθὸν φοβεῖται; τὴν παιδείαν εἶπε τοῖς μὲν νέοις σωφροσύνην, τοῖς δὲ πρεσβυτέροις παραμυθίαν, τοῖς δὲ πένησι πλοῦτον, τοῖς δὲ πλουσίοις κόσμον εἶναι. πρὸς Διδύμωνα τὸν μοιχὸν ἰατρεύοντά ποτε κόρης ὀφθαλμόν, ὅρα, φησί, μὴ τὸν ὀφθαλμὸν τῆς παρθένου θεραπεύων τὴν κόρην φθείρῃς. εἰπόντος τινὸς ὅτι ὑπὸ τῶν φίλων ἐπιβουλεύεται, καὶ τί δεῖ πράττειν, ἔφη, εἰ δεήσει τοῖς φίλοις καὶ τοῖς ἐχθροῖς ὁμοίως χρῆσθαι;
2.69. Being asked what was the most beautiful thing in the world, he replied, “Freedom of speech.” On entering a boys’ school, he found there many statues of the Muses, but few pupils. “By the help of the gods,” said he, “schoolmaster, you have plenty of pupils.” It was his habit to do everything in public, the works of Demeter and of Aphrodite alike. He used to draw out the following arguments. “If to breakfast be not absurd, neither is it absurd in the market-place; but to breakfast is not absurd, therefore it is not absurd to breakfast in the marketplace.” Behaving indecently in public, he wished “it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly.” Many other sayings are attributed to him, which it would take long to enumerate.
2.69. Ἐρωτηθεὶς τί κάλλιστον ἐν ἀνθρώποις, ἔφη, παρρησία. εἰσελθὼν εἰς διδασκάλου καὶ Μούσας μὲν ἰδὼν πολλάς, μαθητὰς δὲ ὀλίγους, σὺν θεοῖς, ἔφη, διδάσκαλε, πολλοὺς μαθητὰς ἔχεις. εἰώθει δὲ πάντα ποιεῖν ἐν τῷ μέσῳ, καὶ τὰ Δήμητρος καὶ τὰ Ἀφροδίτης. καὶ τοιούτους τινὰς ἠρώτα λόγους· εἰ τὸ ἀριστᾶν μηδέν ἐστιν ἄτοπον, οὐδʼ ἐν ἀγορᾷ ἐστιν ἄτοπον· οὐκ ἔστι δʼ ἄτοπον τὸ ἀριστᾶν· οὐδʼ ἐν ἀγορᾷ ἄρα ἐστὶν ἄτοπον. χειρουργῶν τʼ ἐν τῷ μέσῳ συνεχές, εἴθε ἦν, ἔλεγε, καὶ τὴν κοιλίαν παρατριψάμενον τοῦ λιμοῦ παύσασθαι· ἀναφέρεται δὲ καὶ ἄλλα εἰς αὐτόν, ἃ μακρὸν ἂν εἴη καταλέγειν πολλὰ ὄντα.
2.70. He used to affirm that training was of two kinds, mental and bodily: the latter being that whereby, with constant exercise, perceptions are formed such as secure freedom of movement for virtuous deeds; and the one half of this training is incomplete without the other, good health and strength being just as much included among the essential things, whether for body or soul. And he would adduce indisputable evidence to show how easily from gymnastic training we arrive at virtue. For in the manual crafts and other arts it can be seen that the craftsmen develop extraordinary manual skill through practice. Again, take the case of flute-players and of athletes: what surpassing skill they acquire by their own incessant toil; and, if they had transferred their efforts to the training of the mind, how certainly their labours would not have been unprofitable or ineffective.
2.70. Διττὴν δʼ ἔλεγεν εἶναι τὴν ἄσκησιν, τὴν μὲν ψυχικήν, τὴν δὲ σωματικήν· ταύτην καθʼ ἣν ἐν γυμνασίᾳ συνεχεῖ γινόμεναι φαντασίαι εὐλυσίαν πρὸς τὰ τῆς ἀρετῆς ἔργα παρέχονται. εἶναι δʼ ἀτελῆ τὴν ἑτέραν χωρὶς τῆς ἑτέρας, οὐδὲν ἧττον εὐεξίας καὶ ἰσχύος ἐν τοῖς προσήκουσι γενομένης, ὡς περὶ τὴν ψυχὴν καὶ περὶ τὸ σῶμα. παρετίθετο δὲ τεκμήρια τοῦ ῥᾳδίως ἀπὸ τῆς γυμνασίας ἐν τῇ ἀρετῇ καταγίνεσθαι· ὁρᾶν τε γὰρ ἔν τε ταῖς τέχναις ταῖς βαναύσοις καὶ ταῖς ἄλλαις οὐ τὴν τυχοῦσαν ὀξυχειρίαν τοὺς τεχνίτας ἀπὸ τῆς μελέτης περιπεποιημένους τούς τʼ αὐλητὰς καὶ τοὺς ἀθλητὰς ὅσον ὑπερφέρουσιν ἑκάτεροι τῇ ἰδίᾳ πονήσει τῇ συνεχεῖ, καὶ ὡς οὗτοι εἰ μετήνεγκαν τὴν ἄσκησιν καὶ ἐπὶ τὴν ψυχήν, οὐκ ἂν ἀνωφελῶς καὶ ἀτελῶς ἐμόχθουν.
2.71. Nothing in life, however, he maintained, has any chance of succeeding without strenuous practice; and this is capable of overcoming anything. Accordingly, instead of useless toils men should choose such as nature recommends, whereby they might have lived happily. Yet such is their madness that they choose to be miserable. For even the despising of pleasure is itself most pleasurable, when we are habituated to it; and just as those accustomed to a life of pleasure feel disgust when they pass over to the opposite experience, so those whose training has been of the opposite kind derive more pleasure from despising pleasure than from the pleasures themselves. This was the gist of his conversation; and it was plain that he acted accordingly, adulterating currency in very truth, allowing convention no such authority as he allowed to natural right, and asserting that the manner of life he lived was the same as that of Heracles when he preferred liberty to everything.
2.71. Οὐδέν γε μὴν ἔλεγε τὸ παράπαν ἐν τῷ βίῳ χωρὶς ἀσκήσεως κατορθοῦσθαι, δυνατὴν δὲ ταύτην πᾶν ἐκνικῆσαι. δέον οὖν ἀντὶ τῶν ἀχρήστων πόνων τοὺς κατὰ φύσιν ἑλομένους ζῆν εὐδαιμόνως, παρὰ τὴν ἄνοιαν κακοδαιμονοῦσι. καὶ γὰρ αὐτὴ τῆς ἡδονῆς ἡ καταφρόνησις ἡδυτάτη προμελετηθεῖσα, καὶ ὥσπερ οἱ συνεθισθέντες ἡδέως ζῆν, ἀηδῶς ἐπὶ τοὐναντίον μετίασιν, οὕτως οἱ τοὐναντίον ἀσκηθέντες ἥδιον αὐτῶν τῶν ἡδονῶν καταφρονοῦσι. τοιαῦτα διελέγετο καὶ ποιῶν ἐφαίνετο, ὄντως νόμισμα παραχαράττων, μηδὲν οὕτω τοῖς κατὰ νόμον ὡς τοῖς κατὰ φύσιν διδούς· τὸν αὐτὸν χαρακτῆρα τοῦ βίου λέγων διεξάγειν ὅνπερ καὶ Ἡρακλῆς, μηδὲν ἐλευθερίας προκρίνων.