THERE are some persons to whom I seem too severe in [the writing of] satire, and to carry it beyond proper bounds: another set are of opinion, that all I have written is nerveless, and that a thousand verses like mine may be spun out in a day. Trebatius, give me your advice, what I shall do. Be quiet. I should not make, you say, verses at all. I do say so. May I be hanged, if that would not be best: but I can not sleep. Let those, who want sound sleep, anointed swim thrice across the Tiber: and have their clay well moistened with wine over-night. Or, if such a great love of scribbling hurries you on, venture to celebrate the achievements of the invincible Caesar, certain of bearing off ample rewards for your pains.
‘Sunt quibus in satura videar nimis acer et ultralegem tendere opus; sine nervis altera quidquidconposui pars esse putat similisque meorummille die versus deduci posse. Trebati,quid faciam? praescribe.’ ‘quiescas.’ ‘ne faciam, inquis,omnino versus?’ ‘aio.’ ‘peream male, si nonoptimum erat; verum nequeo dormire.’ ‘ter unctitransnanto Tiberim, somno quibus est opus alto,inriguumque mero sub noctem corpus habento.aut si tantus amor scribendi te rapit, audeCaesaris invicti res dicere, multa laborumpraemia laturus.’
Desirous I am, my good father, [to do this,] but my strength fails me, nor can any one describe the troops bristled with spears, nor the Gauls dying on their shivered darts, nor the wounded Parthian falling from his horse. Nevertheless you may describe him just and brave, as the wise Lucilius did Scipio. I will not be wanting to myself, when an opportunity presents itself: no verses of Horace's, unless well-timed, will gain the attention of Caesar; whom, [like a generous steed,] if you stroke awkwardly, he will kick back upon you, being at all quarters on his guard. How much better would this be, than to wound with severe satire Pantolabus the buffoon, and the rake Nomentanus! when every body is afraid for himself, [lest he should be the next,] and hates you, though he is not meddled with. What shall I do? Milonius falls a dancing the moment he becomes light-headed and warm, and the candles appear multiplied. Castor delights in horsemanship: and he, who sprang from the same egg, in boxing. As many thousands of people [as there are in the world], so many different inclinations are there. It delights me to combine words in meter, after the manner of Lucilius, a better man than both of us. He long ago communicated his secrets to his books, as to faithful friends: never having recourse elsewhere, whether things went well or ill with him: whence it happens, that the whole life of this old [poet] is as open to the view, as if it had been painted on a votive tablet. His example I follow, though in doubt whether I am a Lucanian or an Apulian; for the Venusinian farmers plow upon the boundaries of both countries, who (as the ancient tradition has it) were sent, on the expulsion of the Samnites, for this purpose, that the enemy might not make incursions on the Romans, through a vacant [unguarded frontier]: or lest the Apulian nation, or the fierce Lucanian, should make an invasion. But this pen of mine shall not willfully attack any man breathing, and shall defend me like a sword that is sheathed in the scabbard: which why should I attempt to draw, [while I am] safe from hostile villains? 0 Jupiter, father and sovereign, may my weapon laid aside wear away with rust, and may no one injure me, who am desirous of peace? But that man who shall provoke me (I give notice, that it is better not to touch me) shall weep [his folly], and as a notorious character shall be sung through all the streets of Rome.
‘cupidum, pater optime, viresdeficiunt; neque enim quivis horrentia pilisagmina nec fracta pereuntis cuspide Gallosaut labentis equo describit volnera Parthi.’‘attamen et iustum poteras et scribere fortem,Scipiadam ut sapiens Lucilius.’ ‘haud mihi dero,cum res ipsa feret: nisi dextro tempore, Flacci,verba per attentam non ibunt Caesaris aurem:cui male si palpere, recalcitrat undique tutus.’‘quanto rectius hoc quam tristi laedere versuPantolabum scurram Nomentanumque nepotem,cum sibi quisque timet, quamquam est intactus, et odit.’‘quid faciam? saltat Milonius, ut semel ictoaccessit fervor capiti numerusque lucernis;Castor gaudet equis, ovo prognatus eodempugnis; quot capitum vivunt, totidem studiorummilia: me pedibus delectat claudere verbaLucili ritu, nostrum melioris utroque.ille velut fidis arcana sodalibus olimcredebat libris neque, si male cesserat, usquamdecurrens alio neque, si bene; quo fit ut omnisvotiva pateat veluti descripta tabellavita senis. sequor hunc, Lucanus an Appulus anceps;nam Venusinus arat finem sub utrumque colonus,missus ad hoc pulsis, vetus est ut fama, Sabellis,quo ne per vacuum Romano incurreret hostis,sive quod Appula gens seu quod Lucania bellumincuteret violenta. sed hic stilus haud petet ultroquemquam animantem et me veluti custodiet ensisvagina tectus: quem cur destringere conertutus ab infestis latronibus? o pater et rexIuppiter, ut pereat positum robigine telumnec quisquam noceat cupido mihi pacis! at ille,qui me conmorit — melius non tangere, clamo —,flebit et insignis tota cantabitur Urbe.
Cervius, when he is offended, threatens one with the laws and the [judiciary] urn; Canidia, Albutius' poison to those with whom she is at enmity; Turius [threatens] great damages, if you contest any thing while he is judge. How every animal terrifies those whom he suspects, with that in which he is most powerful, and how strong natural instinct commands this, thus infer with me.—The wolf attacks with his teeth, the bull with his horns. From what principle is this, if not a suggestion from within? Intrust that debauchee Scaeva with the custody of his ancient mother; his pious hand will commit no outrage. A wonder indeed! just as the wolf does not attack any one with his hoof, nor the bull with his teeth; but the deadly hemlock in the poisoned honey will take off the old dame.
Cervius iratus leges minitatur et urnam,Canidia Albuci, quibus est inimica, venenum,grande malum Turius, siquid se iudice certes.ut quo quisque valet suspectos terreat utqueimperet hoc natura potens, sic collige mecum:dente lupus, cornu taurus petit: unde nisi intusmonstratum? Scaevae vivacem crede nepotimatrem: nil faciet sceleris pia dextera — mirum,ut neque calce lupus quemquam neque dente petit bos —,sed mala tollet anum vitiato melle cicuta.
That I may not be tedious, whether a placid old age awaits me, or whether death now hovers about me with his sable wings; rich or poor, at Rome or (if fortune should so order it) an exile abroad; whatever be the complexion of my life, I will write. O my child, I fear you can not be long-lived; and that some creature of the great ones will strike you with the cold of death. What? when Lucilius had the courage to be the first in composing verses after this manner, and to pull off that mask, by means of which each man strutted in public view with a fair outside, though foul within; was Laelius, and he who derived a well-deserved title from the destruction of Carthage, offended at his wit, or were they hurt at Metellus being lashed, or Lupus covered over with his lampoons? But he took to task the heads of the people, and the people themselves, class by class; in short, he spared none but virtue and her friends. Yet, when the valorous Scipio, and the mild philosophical Laelius, had withdrawn themselves from the crowd and the public scene, they used to divert themselves with him, and joke in a free manner, while a few vegetables were boiled [for supper]. Of whatever rank I am, though below the estate and wit of Lucilius, yet envy must be obliged to own that I have lived well with great men; and, wanting to fasten her tooth upon some weak part, will strike it against the solid: unless you, learned Trebatius, disapprove of any thing [I have said]. For my part, I can not make any objection to this. But however, that forewarned you may be upon your guard, lest an ignorance of our sacred laws should bring you into trouble, [be sure of this:] if any person shall make scandalous verses against a particular man, an action lies, and a sentence. Granted, if they are scandalous: but if a man composes good ones, and is praised by such a judge as Caesar If a man barks only at him who deserves his invectives, while he himself is unblamable? The process will be canceled with laughter: and you, being dismissed, may depart in peace.
ne longum faciam: seu me tranquilla senectusexspectat seu mors atris circumvolat alis,dives, inops, Romae, seu fors ita iusserit, exsul,quisquis erit vitae scribam color.’ ‘o puer, ut sisvitalis metuo et maiorum nequis amicusfrigore te feriat.’ ‘quid? cum est Lucilius aususprimus in hunc operis conponere carmina moremdetrahere et pellem, nitidus qua quisque per oracederet, introrsum turpis: num Laelius aut quiduxit ab oppressa meritum Carthagine nomeningenio offensi aut laeso doluere Metellofamosisque Lupo cooperto versibus? atquiprimores populi arripuit populumque tributim,scilicet uni aequos virtuti atque eius amicis.quin ubi se a volgo et scaena in secreta remorantvirtus Scipiadae et mitis sapientia Laeli,nugari cum illo et discincti ludere, donecdecoqueretur holus, soliti. quidquid sum ego, quamvisinfra Lucili censum ingeniumque, tamen mecum magnis vixisse invita fatebitur usqueinvidia et fragili quaerens inlidere dentemoffendet solido — nisi quid tu, docte Trebati,dissentis.’ ‘equidem nihil hinc diffindere possum.sed tamen ut monitus caveas, ne forte negotiincutiat tibi quid sanctarum inscitia legum:si mala condiderit in quem quis carmina, ius estiudiciumque.’ ‘esto, siquis mala; sed bona siquisiudice condiderit laudatus Caesare? siquisopprobriis dignum latraverit, integer ipse?’‘solventur risu tabulae, tu missus abibis.’
WHAT and how great is the virtue to live on a little (this is no doctrine of mine, but what Ofellus the peasant, a philosopher without rules and of a home-spun wit, taught me), learn, my good friends, not among dishes and splendid tables; when the eye is dazzled with the vain glare, and the mind, intent upon false appearances, refuses [to admit] better things; but here, before dinner, discuss this point with me. Why so? I will inform you, if I can. Every corrupted judge examines badly the truth. After hunting the hare, or being wearied by an unruly horse, or (if the Roman exercise fatigues you, accustomed to act the Greek) whether the swift ball, while eagerness softens and prevents your perceiving the severity of the game, or quoits (smite the yielding air with the quoit) when exercise has worked off squeamishness, dry and hungry, [then let me see you] despise mean viands; and don't drink any thing but Hymettian honey qualified with Falernian wine. Your butler is abroad, and the tempestuous sea preserves the fish by its wintery storms: bread and salt will sufficiently appease an importunate stomach. Whence do you think this happens? and how is it obtained? The consummate pleasure is not in the costly flavor, but in yourself. Do you seek for sauce by sweating. Neither oysters, nor scar, nor the far-fetched lagois, can give any pleasure to one bloated and pale through intemperance. Nevertheless, if a peacock were served up, I should hardly be able to prevent your gratifying the palate with that, rather than a pullet, since you are prejudiced by the vanities of things; because the scarce bird is bought with gold, and displays a fine sight with its painted tail: as if that were any thing to the purpose. What, do you eat that plumage, which you extol? or has the bird the same beauty when dressed? Since however there is no difference in the meat, in one preferably to the other; it is manifest that you are imposed upon by the disparity of their appearances. Be it so.
Quae virtus et quanta, boni, sit vivere parvo— nec meus hic sermo est, sed quae praecepit Ofellusrusticus, abnormis sapiens crassaque Minerva;discite non inter lances mensasque nitentis,cum stupet insanis acies fulgoribus et cumadclinis falsis animus meliora recusat,verum hic inpransi mecum disquirite. cur hoc?dicam, si potero. male verum examinat omniscorruptus iudex. leporem sectatus equovelassus ab indomito vel, si Romana fatigatmilitia adsuetum Graecari — seu pila veloxmolliter austerum studio fallente laborem,seu te discus agit, pete cedentem aera disco:cum labor extuderit fastidia, siccus, inanissperne cibum vilem; nisi Hymettia mella Falernone biberis diluta. foris est promus, et atrumdefendens piscis hiemat mare: cum sale panislatrantem stomachum bene leniet. unde putas autqui partum? non in caro nidore voluptassumma, sed in te ipso est. tu pulmentaria quaeresudando: pinguem vitiis albumque neque ostreanec scarus aut poterit peregrina iuvare lagois.vix tamen eripiam, posito pavone velis quinhoc potius quam gallina tergere palatum,corruptus vanis rerum, quia veneat aurorara avis et picta pandat spectacula cauda:tamquam ad rem attineat quidquam. num vesceris ista,quam laudas, pluma? cocto num adest honor idem?
By what gift are you able to distinguish, whether this lupus, that now opens its jaws before us, was taken in the Tiber, or in the sea? whether it was tossed between the bridges, or at the mouth of the Tuscan river? Fool, you praise a mullet, that weighs three pounds; which you are obliged to cut into small pieces. Outward appearances lead you, I see. To what intent then do you contemn large lupuses? Because truly these are by nature bulky, and those very light. A hungry stomach seldom loathes common victuals. O that I could see a swingeing mullet extended on a swingeing dish! cries that gullet, which is fit for the voracious harpies themselves. But O [say I] ye southern blasts, be present to taint the delicacies of the [gluttons]: though the boar and turbot newly taken are rank, when surfeiting abundance provokes the sick stomach; and when the sated guttler prefers turnips and sharp elecampane. However, all [appearance of] poverty is not quite banished from the banquets of our nobles; for there is, even at this day, a place for paltry eggs and black olives. And it was not long ago, since the table of Gallonius, the auctioneer, was rendered infamous, by having a sturgeon [served up whole upon it]. What? was the sea at that time less nutritive of turbots? The turbot was secure and the stork unmolested in her nest; till the praetorian [Sempronius], the inventor, first taught you [to eat them]. Therefore, if any one were to give it out that roasted cormorants are delicious, the Roman youth, teachable in depravity, would acquiesce in it.
carne tamen quamvis distat nil, hac magis illaminparibus formis deceptum te petere esto:unde datum sentis, lupus hic Tiberinus an altocaptus hiet? pontisne inter iactatus an amnisOstia sub Tusci? laudas, insane, trilibremmullum, in singula quem minuas pulmenta necesse est.ducit te species, video: quo pertinet ergoproceros odisse lupos? quia scilicet illismaiorem natura modum dedit, his breve pondus:ieiunus raro stomachus volgaria temnit.‘porrectum magno magnum spectare catinovellem’ ait Harpyiis gula digna rapacibus. at vospraesentes, Austri, coquite horum obsonia. quamquamputet aper rhombusque recens, mala copia quandoaegrum sollicitat stomachum, cum rapula plenusatque acidas mavolt inulas. necdum omnis abactapauperies epulis regum: nam vilibus ovisnigrisque est oleis hodie locus. haud ita pridemGalloni praeconis erat acipensere mensainfamis. quid? tunc rhombos minus aequor alebat?tutus erat rhombus tutoque ciconia nido,donec vos auctor docuit praetorius. ergosiquis nunc mergos suavis edixerit assos,parebit pravi docilis Romana iuventus.
In the judgment of Ofellus, a sordid way of living will differ widely from frugal simplicity. For it is to no purpose for you to shun that vice [of luxury]; if you perversely fly to the contrary extreme. Avidienus, to whom the nickname of Dog is applied with propriety, eats olives of five years old, and wild cornels, and can not bear to rack off his wine unless it be turned sour, and the smell of his oil you can not endure: which (though clothed in white he celebrates the wedding festival, his birth-day, or any other festal days) he pours out himself by little and little from a horn cruet, that holds two pounds, upon his cabbage, [but at the same time] is lavish enough of his old vinegar.
sordidus a tenui victu distabit Ofelloiudice: nam frustra vitium vitaveris illud,si te alio pravum detorseris. Avidienus,cui ‘Canis’ ex vero dictum cognomen adhaeret,quinquennis oleas est et silvestria cornaac nisi mutatum parcit defundere vinum etcuius odorem olei nequeas perferre, (licebitille repotia, natalis aliosve dierumfestos albatus celebret), cornu ipse bilibricaulibus instillat, veteris non parcus aceti.quali igitur victu sapiens utetur et horumutrum imitabitur?
What manner of living therefore shall the wise man put in practice, and which of these examples shall he copy? On one side the wolf presses on, and the dog on the other, as the saying is. A person will be accounted decent, if he offends not by sordidness, and is not despicable through either extreme of conduct. Such a man will not, after the example of old Albutius, be savage while he assigns to his servants their respective offices; nor, like simple Naevius, will he offer greasy water to his company: for this too is a great fault.
hac urget lupus, hac canis, aiunt.mundus erit, qua non offendat sordibus atquein neutram partem cultus miser. hic neque servis,Albuti senis exemplo, dum munia didit,saevus erit, nec sic ut simplex Naevius unctamconvivis praebebit aquam: vitium hoc quoque magnum.accipe nunc, victus tenuis quae quantaque secumadferat. in primis valeas bene;
Now learn what and how great benefits a temperate diet will bring along with it. In the first place, you will enjoy good health; for you may believe how detrimental a diversity of things is to any man, when you recollect that sort of food, which by its simplicity sat so well upon your stomach some time ago. But, when you have once mixed boiled and roast together, thrushes and shell-fish; the sweet juices will turn to bile, and the thick phlegm will bring a jarring upon the stomach. Do not you see, how pale each guest rises from a perplexing variety of dishes at an entertainment. Beside this, the body, overloaded with the debauch of yesterday, depresses the mind along with it, and dashes to the earth that portion of the divine spirit. Another man, as soon as he has taken a quick repast, and rendered up his limbs to repose, rises vigorous to the duties of his calling. However, he may sometimes have recourse to better cheer; whether the returning year shall bring on a festival, or if he have a mind to refresh his impaired body; and when years shall approach, and feeble age require to be used more tenderly. But as for you, if a troublesome habit of body, or creeping old age, should come upon you, what addition can be made to that soft indulgence, which you, now in youth and in health, anticipate?
nam variae resut noceant homini credas, memor illius escae,quae simplex olim tibi sederit. at simul assismiscueris elixa, simul conchylia turdis,dulcia se in bilem vertent stomachoque tumultumlenta feret pitvita. vides, ut pallidus omniscena desurgat dubia? quin corpus onustumhesternis vitiis animum quoque praegravat unaatque adfigit humo divinae particulam aurae.alter ubi dicto citius curata soporimembra dedit, vegetus praescripta ad munia surgit.hic tamen ad melius poterit transcurrere quondam,sive diem festum rediens advexerit annus,seu recreare volet tenuatum corpus, ubiqueaccedent anni, tractari mollius aetasimbecilla volet: tibi quidnam accedet ad istamquam puer et validus praesumis mollitiem, seudura valetudo inciderit seu tarda senectus?rancidum aprum antiqui laudabant, non quia nasusillis nullus erat, sed, credo, hac mente, quod hospestardius adveniens vitiatum commodius quamintegrum edax dominus consumeret.
Our ancestors praised a boar when it was stale: not because they had no noses; but with this view, I suppose, that a visitor coming later than ordinary [might partake of it], though a little musty, rather than the voracious master should devour it all himself while sweet. I wish that the primitive earth had produced me among such heroes as these.
hos utinam interheroas natum tellus me prima tulisset.das aliquid famae, quae carmine gratior auremoccupet humanam? grandes rhombi patinaequegrande ferunt una cum damno dedecus.
Have you any regard for reputation, which affects the human ear more agreeably than music? Great turbots and dishes bring great disgrace along with them, together with expense. Add to this, that your relations and neighbors will be exasperated at you, while you will be at enmity with yourself and desirous of death in vain, since you will not in your poverty have three farthings left to purchase a rope withal. Trausius, you say, may with justice be called to account in such language as this; but I possess an ample revenue, and wealth sufficient for three potentates. Why then have you no better method of expending your superfluities? Why is any man, undeserving [of distressed circumstances], in want, while you abound? How comes it to pass, that the ancient temples of the gods are falling to ruin? Why do not you, wretch that you are, bestow something on your dear country, out of so vast a hoard? What, will matters always go well with you alone? 0 thou, that hereafter shalt be the great derision of thine enemies! which of the two shall depend upon himself in exigences with most certainty? He who has used his mind and high-swollen body to redundancies; or he who, contented with a little and provident for the future, like a wise man in time of peace, shall make the necessary preparations for war?
addeiratum patruum, vicinos, te tibi iniquumet frustra mortis cupidum, cum deerit egentias, laquei pretium. ‘iure’ inquit ‘Trausius istisiurgatur verbis: ego vectigalia magnadivitiasque habeo tribus amplas regibus.’ ergo,quod superat non est melius quo insumere possis?cur eget indignus quisquam te divite? quaretempla ruunt antiqua Deum? cur, inprobe, caraenon aliquid patriae tanto emetiris acervo?uni nimirum recte tibi semper erunt res,o magnus posthac inimicis risus. uternead casus dubios fidet sibi certius? hic quipluribus adsuerit mentem corpusque superbum,an qui contentus parvo metuensque futuriin pace, ut sapiens, aptarit idonea bello?quo magis his credas, puer hunc ego parvus Ofellumintegris opibus novi non latius usumquam nunc accisis.
That you may the more readily give credit to these things: I myself, when a little boy, took notice that this Ofellus did not use his unencumbered estate more profusely, than he does now it is reduced. You may see the sturdy husbandman laboring for hire in the land [once his own, but now] assigned [to others], with his cattle and children, talking to this effect; I never ventured to eat any thing on a work-day except pot-herbs, with a hock of smoke-dried bacon. And when a friend came to visit me after a long absence, or a neighbor, an acceptable guest to me resting from work on account of the rain, we lived well; not on fishes fetched from the city, but on a pullet and a kid: then a dried grape, and a nut, with a large fig, set off our second course. After this, it was our diversion to have no other regulation in our cups, save that against drinking to excess: then Ceres worshiped [with a libation], that the corn might arise in lofty stems, smoothed with wine the melancholy of the contracted brow. Let fortune rage, and stir up new tumults: what can she do more to impair my estate? How much more savingly have either I lived, or how much less neatly have you gone, my children, since this new possessor came? For nature has appointed to be lord of this earthly property, neither him, nor me, nor any one. He drove us out: either iniquity or ignorance in the quirks of the law shall [do the same by] him: certainly in the end his long-lived heir shall expel him. Now this field under the denomination of Umbrenus', lately it was Ofellus', the perpetual property of no man; for it turns to my use one while, and by and by to that of another. Wherefore, live undaunted; and oppose gallant breasts against the strokes of adversity.
videas metato in agellocum pecore et gnatis fortem mercede colonum‘non ego’ narrantem ‘temere edi luce profestaquicquam praeter holus fumosae cum pede pernae.ac mihi seu longum post tempus venerat hospessive operum vacuo gratus conviva per imbremvicinus, bene erat non piscibus urbe petitis,sed pullo atque haedo; tum pensilis uva secundaset nux ornabat mensas cum duplice ficu.post hoc ludus erat culpa potare magistraac venerata Ceres, ita culmo surgeret alto,explicuit vino contractae seria frontis.saeviat atque novos moveat fortuna tumultus:quantum hinc inminuet? quanto aut ego parcius aut vos,o pueri, nituistis, ut huc novus incola venit?nam propriae telluris erum natura nec illumnec me nec quemquam statuit: nos expulit ille,illum aut nequities aut vafri inscitia iuris,postremum expellet certe vivacior heres.nunc ager Umbreni sub nomine, nuper Ofellidictus, erit nulli proprius, sed cedet in usumnunc mihi, nunc alii. quocirca vivite fortesfortiaque adversis opponite pectora rebus.’‘Sic raro scribis, ut toto non quater annomembranam poscas, scriptorum quaeque retexens,iratus tibi, quod vini somnique benignusnil dignum sermone canas. quid fiet? at ipsissaturnalibus huc fugisti sobrius.
You write so seldom, as not to call for parchment four times in the year, busied in reforming your writings, yet are you angry with yourself, that indulging in wine and sleep you produce nothing worthy to be the subject of conversation. What will be the consequence? But you took refuge here, it seems, at the very celebration of the Saturnalia, out of sobriety. Dictate therefore something worthy of your promises: begin. There is nothing. The pens are found fault with to no purpose, and the harmless wall, which must have been built under the displeasure of gods and poets, suffers [to no end]. But you had the look of one that threatened many and excellent things, when once your villa had received you, free from employment, under its warm roof. To what purpose was it to stow Plato upon Menander? Eupolis, Archilochus? For what end did you bring abroad such companions? What are you setting about appeasing envy by deserting virtue? Wretch, you will be despised. That guilty Siren, Sloth, must be avoided; or whatever acquisitions you have made in the better part of your life, must with equanimity be given up. May the gods and goddesses, O Damasippus, present you with a barber for your sound advice! But by what means did you get so well acquainted with me? Since all my fortunes were dissipated at the middle of the Exchange, detached from all business of my own, I mind that of other people. For formerly I used to take a delight in inquiring, in what vase the crafty Sisyphus might have washed his feet; what was carved in an unworkmanlike manner, and what more roughly cast than it ought to be; being a connoisseur, I offered a hundred thousand sesterces for such a statue; I was the only man who knew how to purchase gardens and fine seats to the best advantage: whence the crowded ways gave me the surname of Mercurial. I know it well; and am amazed at your being cured of that disorder. Why a new disorder expelled the old one in a marvelous manner; as it is accustomed to do, when the pain of the afflicted side, or the head, is turned upon the stomach; as it is with a man in a lethargy, when he turns boxer, and attacks his physician. As long as you do nothing like this, be it even as you please. O my good friend, do not deceive yourself; you likewise are mad, and it is almost "fools all," if what Stertinius insists upon has any truth in it; from whom, being of a teachable disposition, I derived these admirable precepts, at the very time when, having given me consolation, he ordered me to cultivate a philosophical beard, and to return cheerfully from the Fabrician bridge. For when, my affairs being desperate, I had a mind to throw myself into the river, having covered my head [for that purpose], he fortunately was at my elbow; and [addressed me to this effect]: Take care, how you do any thing unworthy of yourself; a false shame, says he, afflicts you, who dread to be esteemed a madman among madmen. For in the first place I will inquire, what it is to be mad: and, if this distemper be in you exclusively, I will not add a single word, to prevent you from dying bravely.
ergodic aliquid dignum promissis. incipe. nil est.culpantur frustra calami inmeritusque laboratiratis natus paries Diis atque Poetis.atqui voltus erat multa et praeclara minantis,si vacuum tepido cepisset villula tecto.quorsum pertinuit stipare Platona Menandro?Eupolin, Archilochum, comites educere tantos?invidiam placare paras virtute relicta?contemnere miser. vitanda est inproba Sirendesidia, aut quidquid vita meliore parastiponendum aequo animo.’ ‘Di te, Damasippe, Deaequeverum ob consilium donent tonsore. sed undetam bene me nosti?’ ‘postquam omnis res mea Ianumad medium fracta est, aliena negotia curoexcussus propriis. olim nam quaerere amabam,quo vafer ille pedes lavisset Sisyphus aere,quid scalptum infabre, quid fusum durius esset.callidus huic signo ponebam milia centum;hortos egregiasque domos mercarier unuscum lucro noram; unde frequentia Mercurialeinposuere mihi cognomen compita.’ ‘noviet miror morbi purgatum te illius. atquiemovit veterem mire novus, ut solet, in cortraiecto lateris miseri capitisve dolore,ut lethargicus hic cum fit pugil et medicum urget.dum nequid simile huic, esto ut libet.’ ‘o bone, ne tefrustrere: insanis et tu stultique prope omnes,siquid Stertinius veri crepat, unde ego miradescripsi docilis praecepta haec, tempore quo mesolatus iussit sapientem pascere barbamatque a Fabricio non tristem ponte reverti.nam male re gesta cum vellem mittere opertome capite in flumen, dexter stetit et “cave faxiste quicquam indignum. pudor” inquit “te malus angit,insanos qui inter vereare insanus haberi.primum nam inquiram, quid sit furere: hoc si erit in tesolo, nil verbi, pereas quin fortiter, addam.quem mala stultitia et quemcumque inscitia vericaecum agit, insanum Chrysippi porticus et grexautumat. haec populos, haec magnos formula reges,excepto sapiente, tenet. nunc accipe, quaredesipiant omnes aeque ac tu, qui tibi nomeninsano posuere. velut silvis, ubi passimpalantis error certo de tramite pellit,ille sinistrorsum, hic dextrorsum abit, unus utriqueerror, sed variis inludit partibus: hoc tecrede modo insanum, nihilo ut sapientior illequi te deridet caudam trahat.
The school and sect of Chrysippus deem every man mad, whom vicious folly or the ignorance of truth drives blindly forward. This definition takes in whole nations, this even great kings, the wise man [alone] excepted. Now learn, why all those, who have fixed the name of madman upon you, are as senseless as yourself. As in the woods, where a mistake makes people wander about from the proper path; one goes out of the way to the right; another to the left; there is the same blunder on both sides, only the illusion is in different directions: in this manner imagine yourself mad; so that he, who derides you, hangs his tail, not one jot wiser than yourself. There is one species of folly, that dreads things not in the least formidable; insomuch that it will complain of fires, and rocks, and rivers opposing it in the open plain; there is another different from this, but not a whit more approaching to wisdom, that runs headlong through the midst of flames and floods. Let the loving mother, the virtuous sister, the father, the wife, together with all the relations [of a man possessed with this latter folly], cry out: "Here is a deep ditch; here is a prodigious rock; take care of yourself:" he would give no more attention, than did the drunken Fufius some time ago, when he overslept the character of Ilione, twelve hundred Catieni at the same time roaring out, O mother, I call you to my aid. I will demonstrate to you, that the generality of all mankind are mad in the commission of some folly similar to this.
est genus unumstultitiae nihilum metuenda timentis, ut ignis,ut rupes fluviosque in campo obstare queratur;alterum et huic varum et nihilo sapientius ignisper medios fluviosque ruentis: clamet amicamater, honesta soror cum cognatis, pater, uxor:‘hic fossa est ingens, hic rupes maxima: serva!’non magis audierit, quam Fusius ebrius olim,cum Ilionam edormit, Catienis mille ducentis‘mater, te appello’ clamantibus. huic ego volguserrori similem cunctum insanire docebo.insanit veteres statuas Damasippus emendo:integer est mentis Damasippi creditor? esto.‘accipe quod numquam reddas mihi’ si tibi dicam:tune insanus eris, si acceperis, an magis excorsreiecta praeda, quam praesens Mercurius fert?scribe decem a Nerio: non est satis; adde Cicutaenodosi tabulas, centum, mille adde catenas:effugiet tamen haec sceleratus vincula Proteus.
Damasippus is mad for purchasing antique statues: but is Damasippus' creditor in his senses? Well, suppose I should say to you: receive this, which you can never repay: will you be a madman, if you receive it; or would you be more absurd for rejecting a booty, which propitious Mercury offers? Take bond, like the banker Nerius, for ten thousand sesterces; it will not signify: add the forms of Cicuta, so versed in the knotty points of law: add a thousand obligations: yet this wicked Proteus will evade all these ties. When you shall drag him to justice, laughing as if his cheeks were none of his own; he will be transformed into a boar, sometimes into a bird, sometimes into a stone, and when he pleases into a tree. If to conduct one's affairs badly be the part of a the madman; and the reverse, that of a man well in his senses; brain of Perillius (believe me), who orders you [that sum of money], which you can never repay, is much more unsound [than yours].
cum rapies in ius malis ridentem alienis,fiet aper, modo avis, modo saxum et, cum volet, arborsi male rem gerere insani est, contra bene sani:putidius multo cerebrum est, mihi crede, Perillidictantis, quod tu numquam rescribere possis.audire atque togam iubeo conponere, quisquisambitione mala aut argenti pallet amore,quisquis luxuria tristive superstitioneaut alio mentis morbo calet: huc propius me,dum doceo insanire omnis vos, ordine adite.danda est ellebori multo pars maxima avaris:nescio an Anticyram ratio illis destinet omnem.heredes Staberi summam incidere sepulcro,ni sic fecissent, gladiatorum dare centumdamnati populo paria atque epulum arbitrio arri,frumenti quantum metit Africa.
Whoever grows pale with evil ambition, or the love of money: whoever is heated with luxury, or gloomy superstition, or any other disease of the mind, I command him to adjust his garment and attend: hither, all of ye, come near me in order, while I convince you that you are mad.
‘sive ego praveseu recte hoc volui, ne sis patruus mihi’: credo,hoc Staberi prudentem animum vidisse. quid ergosensit, cum summam patrimoni insculpere saxoheredes voluit?
By far the largest portion of hellebore is to be administered to the covetous: I know not, whether reason does not consign all Anticyra to their use. The heirs of Staberius engraved the sum [which he left them] upon his tomb: unless they had acted in this manner, they were under an obligation to exhibit a hundred pair of gladiators to the people, beside an entertainment according to the direction of Arrius; and as much corn as is cut in Africa. Whether I have willed this rightly or wrongly, it was my will; be not severe against me, [cries the testator]. I imagine the provident mind of Staberius foresaw this. What then did he mean, when he appointed by will that his heirs should engrave the sum of their patrimony upon his tomb-stone? As long as he lived, he deemed poverty a great vice, and nothing did he more industriously avoid: insomuch that, had he died less rich by one farthing, the more iniquitous would he have appeared to himself. For every thing, virtue, fame, glory, divine and human affairs, are subservient to the attraction of riches; which whoever shall have accumulated, shall be illustrious, brave, just — What, wise too? Ay, and a king, and whatever else he pleases. This he was in hopes would greatly redound to his praise, as if it had been an acquisition of his virtue. In what respect did the Grecian Aristippus act like this; who ordered his slaves to throw away his gold in the midst of Libya; because, encumbered with the burden, they traveled too slowly? Which is the greater madman of these two? An example is nothing to the purpose, that decides one controversy by creating another. If any person were to buy lyres, and [when he had bought them] to stow them in one place, though neither addicted to the lyre nor to any one muse whatsoever: if a man were [to buy] paring-knives and lasts, and were no shoemaker; sails fit for navigation, and were averse to merchandising; he would every where deservedly be styled delirious, and out of his senses. How does he differ from these, who hoards up cash and gold [and] knows not how to use them when accumulated, and is afraid to touch them as if they were consecrated? If any person before a great heap of corn should keep perpetual watch with a long club, and, though the owner of it, and hungry, should not dare to take a single grain from it; and should rather feed upon bitter leaves: if, while a thousand hogsheads of Chian, or old Falernian, is stored up within (nay, that is nothing — three hundred thousand), he drink nothing, but what is mere sharp vinegar: again — if, wanting but one year of eighty, he should lie upon straw, who has bed-clothes rotting in his chest, the food of worms and moths; he would seem mad, belike, but to few persons: because the greatest part of mankind labors under the same malady.
quoad vixit, credidit ingenspauperiem vitium et cavit nihil acrius, ut, siforte minus locuples uno quadrante perisset,ipse videretur sibi nequior. ‘omnis enim res,virtus, fama, decus, divina humanaque pulchrisdivitiis parent; quas qui construxerit, illeclarus erit, fortis, iustus.’ ‘sapiensne?’ ‘etiam, et rexet quidquid volet.’ hoc veluti virtute paratumsperavit magnae laudi fore. quid simile istiGraecus Aristippus? qui servos proicere aurumin media iussit Libya, quia tardius irentpropter onus segnes. uter est insanior horum?nil agit exemplum, litem quod lite resolvit.siquis emat citharas, emptas conportet in unum,nec studio citharae nec Musae deditus ulli,si scalpra et formas non sutor, nautica velaaversus mercaturis: delirus et amensundique dicatur merito. qui discrepat istis,qui nummos aurumque recondit, nescius uticonpositis metuensque velut contingere sacrum?siquis ad ingentem frumenti semper acervumporrectus vigilet cum longo fuste neque illincaudeat esuriens dominus contingere granumac potius foliis parcus vescatur amaris;si positis intus Chii veterisque Falernimille cadis — nihil est: tercentum milibus, acrepotet acetum; age si et stramentis incubet unde-octoginta annos natus, cui stragula vestis,blattarum ac tinearum epulae, putrescat in arca:nimirum insanus paucis videatur, eo quodmaxima pars hominum morbo iactatur eodem.filius aut etiam haec libertus ut ebibat heres,dis inimice senex custodis? ne tibi desit?quantulum enim summae curtabit quisque dierum,unguere si caules oleo meliore caputquecoeperis inpexa foedum porrigine? quare,si quidvis satis est, peiuras, surripis, aufersundique? tun sanus? populum si caedere saxisincipias servosve tuos, quos aere pararis,insanum te omnes pueri clamentque puellae;cum laqueo uxorem interimis matremque veneno,incolumi capite es?
Thou dotard, hateful to the gods, dost thou guard [these possessions], for fear of wanting.thyself: to the end that thy son, or even the freedman thy heir, should guzzle it all up For how little will each day deduct from your capital, if you begin to pour better oil upon your greens and your head, filthy with scurf not combed out? If any thing be a sufficiency, wherefore are you guilty of perjury [wherefore] do you rob, and plunder from all quarters? Are you in your senses? If you were to begin to pelt the populace with stones, and the slaves, which you purchased with your money; all the very boys and girls will cry out that you are a madman. When you dispatch your wife with a rope, and your mother with poison, are you right in your head? Why not? You neither did this at Argos, nor slew your mother with the sword as the mad Orestes did. What, do you imagine that he ran mad after lie had murdered his parent; and that he was not driven mad by the wicked Furies, before he warmed his sharp steel in his mother's throat? Nay, from the time that Orestes is deemed to have been of a dangerous disposition, he did nothing in fact that you can blame; he did not dare to offer violence with his sword to Pylades, nor to his sister Electra; he only gave ill language to both of them, by calling her a Fury, and him some other [opprobrious name], which his violent choler suggested.
quid enim? neque tu hoc facis Argisnec ferro ut demens genetricem occidis Orestes.an tu reris eum occisa insanisse parenteac non ante malis dementem actum Furiis quamin matris iugulo ferrum tepefecit acutum?quin, ex quo est habitus male tutae mentis Orestes,nil sane fecit quod tu reprehendere possis:non Pyladen ferro violare aususve sororemElectran, tantum maledicit utrique vocandohanc furiam, hunc aliud, iussit quod splendida bilis.pauper Opimius argenti positi intus et auri,qui Veientanum festis potare diebusCampana solitus trulla vappamque profestis,quondam lethargo grandi est oppressus, ut heresiam circum loculos et clavis laetus ovansquecurreret. hunc medicus multum celer atque fidelisexcitat hoc pacto: mensam poni iubet atqueeffundi saccos nummorum, accedere plurisad numerandum: hominem sic erigit; addit et illud:‘ni tua custodis, avidus iam haec auferet heres.’