1. MENIPPUS: I ask you, Aeacus, in the name of Pluto, to conduct me round every thing in Hades.
1. ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Πρὸς τοῦ Πλούτωνος, ὦ Αἰακέ, περιήγησαί μοι τὰ ἐν ᾅδου πάντα.
AEACUS: It’s not easy to do it all, Menippus, but I’ll show you the chief things. This is Cerberus, as you know, and on your way in you’ve already seen the ferryman here who brought you over, and the lake and Pyriphlegethon.
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Οὐ ῥᾴδιον, ὦ Μένιππε, ἅπαντα· ὅσα μέντοι κεφαλαιώδη, μάνθανε· οὗτος μὲν ὅτι Κέρβερός ἐστιν οἶσθα, καὶ τὸν πορθμέα τοῦτον, ὅς σε διεπέρασεν, καὶ τὴν λίμνην καὶ τὸν Πυριφλεγέθοντα ἤδη ἑώρακας εἰσιών.
MENIPPUS: I know all that and that you are the gate-keeper, and I’ve seen the king and the Furies. But show me the men of old, and particularly the famous ones.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Οἶδα ταῦτα καὶ σέ, ὅτι πυλωρεῖς, καὶ τὸν βασιλέα εἶδον καὶ τὰς Ἐρινῦς· τοὺς δὲ ἀνθρώπους μοι τοὺς πάλαι δεῖξον καὶ μάλιστα τοὺς ἐπισήμους αὐτῶν.
AEACUS: This is Agamemnon, and this Achilles, here is Idomeneus close by, and here Odysseus, then come Ajax, Diomede and the finest of the Greeks.
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Οὗτος μὲν Ἀγαμέμνων, οὗτος δὲ Ἀχιλλεύς, οὗτος δὲ Ἰδομενεὺς πλησίον, οὗτος δὲ Ὀδυσσεύς, εἶτα Αἴας καὶ Διομήδης καὶ οἱ ἄριστοι τῶν Ἑλλήνων.
2. MENIPPUS: Dear me, Homer, how the central figures of your epics have been cast to the ground and lie unrecognisable and ugly, all so much dust and rubbish, “strengthless heads” in very truth! But who is this, Aeacus?
2. ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Βαβαί, ὦ Ὅμηρε, οἷά σοι τῶν ῥαψῳδιῶν τὰ κεφάλαια χαμαὶ ἔρριπται ἄγνωστα καὶ ἄμορφα, κόνις πάντα καὶ λῆρος πολύς, ἀμενηνὰ ὡς ἀληθῶς κάρηνα. οὗτος δέ, ὦ Αἰακέ, τίς ἐστιν;
AEACUS: Cyrus, and this is Croesus, and the one beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond them Midas, and that one is Xerxes.
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Κῦρός ἐστιν· οὗτος δὲ Κροῖσος, ὁ δ’ ὑπὲρ αὐτὸν Σαρδανάπαλλος, ὁ δ’ ὑπὲρ τούτους Μίδας, ἐκεῖνος δὲ Ξέρξης.
MENIPPUS: Then you, you scum, were the terror of Hellas? You bridged the Hellespont, and wanted to sail through the mountains? And what a sight Croesus is! And, Aeacus, let me slap the face of Sardanapalus.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Εἶτα σέ, ὦ κάθαρμα, ἡ Ἑλλὰς ἔφριττε ζευγνύντα μὲν τὸν Ἑλλήσποντον, διὰ δὲ τῶν ὀρῶν πλεῖν ἐπιθυμοῦντα; οἷος δὲ καὶ ὁ Κροῖσός ἐστιν. τὸν Σαρδανάπαλλον δέ, ὦ Αἰακέ, πατάξαι μοι κατὰ κόρρης ἐπίτρεψον.
AEACUS: Don’t, you’re breaking his skull; it’s as weak as a woman’s.
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Μηδαμῶς· διαθρύπτεις γὰρ αὐτοῦ τὸ κρανίον γυναικεῖον ὄν.
MENIPPUS: Then at least I’ll have a good spit at him, since he’s as much woman as man.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Οὐκοῦν ἀλλὰ προσπτύσομαί γε πάντως αὐτῷ ἀνρογύνῳ γε ὄντι.
3. AEACUS: Would you like me to show you the Philosophers?
3. ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Βούλει σοὶ ἐπιδείξω καὶ τοὺς σοφούς;
MENIPPUS: Oh yes, please.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Νὴ Δία γε.
AEACUS: Here first you have Pythagoras.
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Πρῶτος οὗτός σοι ὁ Πυθαγόρας ἐστί.
MENIPPUS: Good day to you, Euphorbus or Apollo, or whatever name you prefer. PYTHAGORAS: And a bad day to you, Menippus.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Χαῖρε, ὦ Εὔφορβε ἢ Ἄπολλον ἢ ὅ τι ἂν θέλῃς. ΠΥΘΑΓΟΡΑΣ: Μὴ καὶ σύ γε, ὦ Μένιππε.
MENIPPUS: Don’t you still have your thigh of gold? PYTHAGORAS: No; but let me see if there’s anything to eat in your wallet.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Οὐκέτι χρυσοῦς ὁ μηρός σοι; ΠΥΘΑΓΟΡΑΣ: Οὐ γάρ· ἀλλὰ φέρε ἴδω εἴ τί σοι ἐδώδιμον ἡ πήρα ἔχει.
MENIPPUS: Beans, my good fellow—something you mustn’t eat. PYTHAGORAS: Just give me some. Doctrines are different among the dead; I’ve learnt that beans and parents’ heads are not the same thing here.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Κυάμους, ὦγαθέ· ὥστε οὐ τουτί σοι ἐδώδιμον. ΠΥΘΑΓΟΡΑΣ: Δὸς μόνον· ἄλλα παρὰ νεκροῖς δόγματα· ἔμαθον γάρ, ὡς οὐδὲν ἴσον κύαμοι καὶ κεφαλαὶ τοκήων ἐνθάδε.
4. AEACUS: This is Solon, the son of Execestides, and that is Thales, and past them is Pittacus, and the others; they are seven in all, as you see.
4. ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Οὗτος δὲ Σόλων ὁ Ἐξηκεστίδου καὶ Θαλῆς ἐκεῖνος καὶ παρ' αὐτοὺς Πιττακὸς καὶ οἱ ἄλλοι· ἑπτὰ δὲ πάντες εἰσὶν ὡς ὁρᾷς.
MENIPPUS: These are the only happy and cheerful ones, Aeacus. But who is this covered with cinders, like a loaf baked in the ashes, and with such a crop of blisters on his skin?
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Ἄλυποι, ὦ Αἰακέ, οὗτοι μόνοι καὶ φαιδροὶ τῶν ἄλλων· ὁ δὲ σποδοῦ ἀνάπλεως καθάπερ ἐγκρυφίας ἄρτος, ὁ ταῖς φλυκταίναις ἐξηνθηκώς, τίς ἐστιν;
AEACUS: Empedocles; he came half-boiled from Etna.
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Ἐμπεδοκλῆς, ὦ Μένιππε, ἡμίεφθος ἀπὸ τῆς Αἴτνης παρών.
MENIPPUS: O brazen-foot most excellent, what came over you that you jumped into the crater? EMPEDOCLES: A fit of mad depression, Menippus.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Ὦ χαλκόπου βέλτιστε, τί παθὼν σεαυτὸν εἰς τοὺς κρατῆρας ἐνέβαλες; ΕΜΠΕΔΟΚΛΗΣ: Μελαγχολία τις, ὦ Μένιππε.
MENIPPUS: No, but a fit of vanity and pride and a dose of drivelling folly; that was what burnt you to ashes, boots and all—and well you deserved it! But the trick didn’t do you any good; they found out that you were dead. But wherever, Aeacus, is Socrates?
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Οὐ μὰ Δί' ἀλλὰ κενοδοξία καὶ τῦφος καὶ πολλὴ κόρυζα, ταῦτά σε ἀπηνθράκωσεν αὐταῖς κρηπῖσιν οὐκ ἀνάξιον ὄντα· πλὴν οὐδέν σε ὤνησεν τὸ σόφισμα· ἐφωράθης γὰρ τεθνεώς. ὁ Σωκράτης δέ, ὦ Αἰακέ, ποῦ ποτε ἄρα ἐστίν;
AEACUS: Usually he’s talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Μετὰ Νέστορος καὶ Παλαμήδους ἐκεῖνος ληρεῖ τὰ πολλά.
MENIPPUS: However, I should like to see him, if he’s around.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Ὅμως ἐβουλόμην ἰδεῖν αὐτόν, εἴ που ἐνθάδε ἐστίν.
AEACUS: Do you see the bald one?
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Ὁρᾷς τὸν φαλακρόν;
MENIPPUS: They’re all bald; that distinguishing feature would apply to them all.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Ἅπαντες φαλακροί εἰσιν· ὥστε πάντων ἂν εἴη τοῦτο τὸ γνώρισμα.
AEACUS: I mean the one with the snub nose.
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Τὸν σιμὸν λέγω.
MENIPPUS: This too they have in common; they’re all snub-nosed.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Καὶ τοῦτο ὅμοιον· σιμοὶ γὰρ ἅπαντες.
5. SOCRATES: Looking for me, Menippus?MENIPPUS: Yes, I am, Socrates. SOCRATES: What’s the news in Athens?
5. ΣΩΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Ἐμὲ ζητεῖς, ὦ Μένιππε;ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Καὶ μάλα, ὦ Σώκρατες. ΣΩΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Τί τὰ ἐν Ἀθήναις;
MENIPPUS: Many of the young men call themselves Philosophers, and, to judge at least from their garb and gait, are tiptop Philosophers. SOCRATES: I’ve seen lots of them.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Πολλοὶ τῶν νέων φιλοσοφεῖν λέγουσι, καὶ τά γε σχήματα αὐτὰ καὶ τὰ βαδίσματα εἰ θεάσαιτό τις, ἄκροι φιλόσοφοι. ΣΩΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Μάλα πολλοὺς ἑώρακα.
MENIPPUS: But you’ve seen, I imagine, what Aristippus was like when he came to join you, or Plato himself—the one reeking of scent, the other accomplished in flattering Sicilian tyrants. SOCRATES: And what do they think of me?
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Ἀλλὰ ἑώρακας, οἶμαι, οἷος ἧκε παρὰ σοὶ Ἀρίστιππος ἢ Πλάτων αὐτός, ὁ μὲν ἀποπνέων μύρον, ὁ δὲ τοὺς ἐν Σικελίᾳ τυράννους θεραπεύειν ἐκμαθών. ΣΩΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Περὶ ἐμοῦ δὲ τί φρονοῦσιν;
MENIPPUS: In these respects at least, you’re a lucky fellow, Socrates. At any rate they all think you were a wonderful man, and knew everything, though—I think I’m right in saying so—you knew nothing. SOCRATES: That’s what I myself kept telling them, but they thought it was all pretence on my part.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Εὐδαίμων, ὦ Σώκρατες, ἄνθρωπος εἶ τά γε τοιαῦτα. πάντες γοῦν σε θαυμάσιον οἴονται ἄνδρα γεγενῆσθαι καὶ πάντα ἐγνωκέναι καὶ ταῦτα—οἶμαι γὰρ τἀληθῆ λέγειν—οὐδὲν εἰδότα. ΣΩΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Καὶ αὐτὸς ἔφασκον ταῦτα πρὸς αὐτούς, οἱ δὲ εἰρωνείαν τὸ πρᾶγμα ᾤοντο εἶναι.
6. MENIPPUS: But who are these round you? SOCRATES: Charmides, my good fellow, and Phaedrus and Clinias’ son.
6. ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Τίνες δέ εἰσιν οὗτοι οἱ περὶ σέ; ΣΩΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Χαρμίδης, ὦ Μένιππε, καὶ Φαῖδρος καὶ ὁ τοῦ Κλεινίου.
MENIPPUS: Bravo, Socrates! Still following your own special line here! Still with an eye for beauty! SOCRATES: What could I find to do more agreeable? But won’t you lie down by us, please?
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Εὖ γε, ὦ Σώκρατες, ὅτι κἀνταῦθα μέτει τὴν σεαυτοῦ τέχνην καὶ οὐκ ὀλιγωρεῖς τῶν καλῶν. ΣΩΚΡΑΤΗΣ: Τί γὰρ ἂν ἥδιον ἄλλο πράττοιμι; ἀλλὰ πλησίον ἡμῶν κατάκεισο, εἰ δοκεῖ.
MENIPPUS: Oh, no; I’m going off to Croesus and Sardanapalus, to stay near them. I expect to have plenty of fun hearing their lamentations.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Μὰ Δί', ἐπεὶ παρὰ τὸν Κροῖσον καὶ τὸν Σαρδανάπαλλον ἄπειμι πλησίον οἰκήσων αὐτῶν· ἔοικα γοῦν οὐκ ὀλίγα γελάσεσθαι οἰμωζόντων ἀκούων.
AEACUS: I’m off now, too, to see that none of the dead gives us the slip and escapes. You’ll see things in full another time, Menippus.
ΑΙΑΚΟΣ: Κἀγὼ ἤδη ἄπειμι, μὴ καί τις ἡμᾶς νεκρὸς λάθῃ διαφυγών. τὰ πολλὰ δ’ εἰσαῦθις ὄψει, ὦ Μένιππε.
MENIPPUS: Off with you, Aeacus. What I’ve seen is enough.
ΜΕΝΙΠΠΟΣ: Ἄπιθι· καὶ ταυτὶ γὰρ ἱκανά, ὦ Αἰακέ.