18. JUSTICE: Come, now, do not delay; cast your ballots and get up; others must have their hearing.
18. Δίκη: ἄγε δή, μὴ μέλλετε, ψηφοφορήσατε, ἀνάστητε· καὶ ἄλλοις χρὴ δικάζειν.
HERMES: The Academy wins by every vote but one.
Ἑρμῆς: πάσαις ἡ Ἀκαδήμεια κρατεῖ πλὴν μιᾶς.
JUSTICE: It is not at all surprising that there should be one man to vote for Intemperance.
Δίκη: παράδοξον οὐδέν, εἶναί τινα καὶ τῇ Μέθῃ τιθέμενον.
19. JUTICE: Take your seats, you who have been drawn to hear Stoa v. Pleasure in re a lover. The clock is filled. You with the paint upon you and the gaudy colours, make your plea now.
19. Δίκη: καθίσατε οἱ τῇ Στοᾷ πρὸς τὴν Ἡδονὴν λαχόντες περὶ τοῦ ἐραστοῦ δικάζειν· ἐγκέχυται τὸ ὕδωρ. ἡ κατάγραφος ἡ τὰ ποικίλα σὺ ἤδη λέγε.
20. STOA: I am not unaware, gentlemen of the jury, that I shall have to speak against an attractive opponent; indeed, I see that most of you are gazing at her and smiling at her, contemptuous of me because my head is close-clipped, my glance is masculine, and I seem dour. Nevertheless, if you are willing to hear me speak, I am confident that my plea will be.far more just than hers. As a matter of fact, the present charge is that by getting herself up in this courtesan style she beguiled my lover, Dionysius, a respectable man until then, by the seductiveness of her appearance, and drew him to herself. Furthermore, the suit which your predecessors decided between the Academy and Intemperance was the twin-sister of the present suit. For the point at issue now is whether we should live like swine with our noses to the ground in the enjoyment of pleasure, without a single noble thought, or whether, considering what is enjoyable — secondary to what is right, we should follow philosophy in a free spirit like free men, neither fearing pain as invincible nor giving preference to pleasure in a servile spirit and seeking happiness in honey and in figs. By holding out such bait to silly people and by making a bogey. out of pain,' my opponent wins over the greater part of them, and this poor man is one; she made him run away from me by keeping an eye upon him until he was ill, for while he was well he would never have accepted her arguments. After all, why should I be indignant at her? Forsooth, she does not even let the gods alone, but _slanders their management of afffirs! If you are wise, then, you will give her a sentence for impiety also. I hear, too, that she is not even prepared to plead in person, but will have Epicurus appear as her illustrating the point that Cicero makes in the T'uscwlans (ii. 15): Haec duo (te. laborem et dolorem) Graeci illi, quorum copiosior est lingua quam’ nostra, uno nomine appellant... O verborum inops interdum, quibus abundare te semper putas, Graecia! advocate, such contempt does she show the court!; But see here—ask her what kind of men she thinks Heracles and your own Theseus would have been if they had allied themselves to Pleasure and had shirked pain and toil. Nothing would hinder the earth from being full of wrong-doing if they had not toiled painfully. This is all I have to say, for I am not at all fond of long speeches. But if she should consent to let me put questions and to give a brief reply to each, it would very soon be evident that she amounts to nothing. However, remember your oath and vote in accordance with it now, putting no faith in Epicurus, who says that the gods take no note of what happens among us.
20. Στοά: οὐκ ἀγνοῶ μέν, ὦ ἄνδρες δικασταί, ὡς πρὸς εὐπρόσωπόν μοι τὴν ἀντίδικον ὁ λόγος ἔσται, ἀλλὰ καὶ ὑμῶν τοὺς πολλοὺς ὁρῶ πρὸς μὲν ἐκείνην ἀποβλέποντας καὶ μειδιῶντας πρὸς αὐτήν, ἐμοῦ δὲ καταφρονοῦντας, ὅτι ἐν χρῷ κέκαρμαι καὶ ἀρρενωπὸν βλέπω καὶ σκυθρωπὴ δοκῶ. ὅμως δέ, ἢν ἐθελήσητε ἀκοῦσαί μου λεγούσης, θαρρῶ πολὺ δικαιότερα ταύτης ἐρεῖν. τοῦτο γάρ τοι καὶ τὸ παρὸν ἔγκλημά ἐστιν, ὅτι οὕτως ἑταιρικῶς ἐσκευασμένη τῷ ἐπαγωγῷ τῆς ὄψεως ἐραστὴν ἐμὸν ἄνδρα τότε σώφρονα τὸν Διονύσιον φενακίσασα πρὸς ἑαυτὴν περιέσπασεν, καὶ ἥν γε οἱ πρὸ ὑμῶν δίκην ἐδίκασαν τῇ Ἀκαδημείᾳ καὶ τῇ Μέθῃ, ἀδελφὴ τῆς παρούσης δίκης ἐστίν· ἐξετάζεται γὰρ ἐν τῷ παρόντι πότερα χοίρων δίκην κάτω νενευκότας ἡδομένους χρὴ βιοῦν μηδὲν μεγαλόφρον ἐπινοοῦντας ἢ ἐν δευτέρῳ τοῦ καλῶς ἔχοντος ἡγησαμένους τὸ τερπνὸν ἐλευθέρους ἐλευθέρως φιλοσοφεῖν, μήτε τὸ ἀλγεινὸν ὡς ἄμαχον δεδιότας μήτε τὸ ἡδὺ ἀνδραποδωδῶς προαιρουμένους καὶ τὴν εὐδαιμονίαν ζητοῦντας ἐν τῷ μέλιτι καὶ ταῖς ἰσχάσιν. τὰ τοιαῦτα γὰρ αὕτη δελέατα τοῖς ἀνοήτοις προτείνουσα καὶ μορμολυττομένη τῷ πόνῳ προσάγεται αὐτῶν τοὺς πολλούς, ἐν οἷς καὶ τὸν δείλαιον ἐκεῖνον ἀφηνιάσαι ἡμῶν πεποίηκεν, νοσοῦντα τηρήσασα· οὐ γὰρ ἂν ὑγιαίνων ποτὲ προσήκατο τοὺς παρὰ ταύτης λόγους. καίτοι τί ἂν ἔγωγε ἀγανακτοίην κατʼ αὐτῆς, ὅπου μηδὲ τῶν θεῶν φείδεται, ἀλλὰ τὴν ἐπιμέλειαν αὐτῶν διαβάλλει; ὥστε εἰ σωφρονεῖτε, καὶ ἀσεβείας ἂν δίκην λάβοιτε παρʼ αὐτῆς. ἀκούω δὲ ἔγωγε ὡς οὐδὲ αὐτὴ παρεσκεύασται ποιήσασθαι τοὺς λόγους, ἀλλὰ τὸν Ἐπίκουρον ἀναβιβάσεται συναγορεύσοντα· οὕτως ἐντρυφᾷ τῷ δικαστηρίῳ. πλὴν ἀλλὰ ἐκεῖνά γε· αὐτὴν ἐρωτᾶτε, οἵους ἂν οἴεται γενέσθαι τὸν Ἡρακλέα καὶ τὸν ὑμέτερον Θησέα, εἰ προσθέντες τῇ ἡδονῇ ἔφυγον τοὺς πόνους· οὐδὲν γὰρ ἂν ἐκώλυεν μεστὴν ἀδικίας εἶναι τὴν γῆν, ἐκείνων μὴ πονησάντων. ταῦτα εἶπον οὐ πάνυ τοῖς μακροῖς τῶν λόγων χαίρουσα. εἰ δέ γε ἐθελήσειε κατὰ μικρὸν ἀποκρίνασθαί μοι συνερωτωμένη, τάχιστα ἂν γνωσθείη τὸ μηδὲν οὖσα. πλὴν ἀλλὰ ὑμεῖς γε τοῦ ὅρκου μνημονεύσαντες ψηφίσασθε ἤδη τὰ εὔορκα μὴ πιστεύσαντες Ἐπικούρῳ λέγοντι μηδὲν ἐπισκοπεῖν τῶν παρʼ ἡμῖν γιγνομένων τοὺς θεούς.
JUSTICE: Stand aside. Epicurus, speak for Pleasure.
Δίκη: μετάστηθι. ὁ Ἐπίκουρος ὑπὲρ τῆς Ἡδονῆς λέγε.
21. EPICURUS: I shall not address you at length, gentlemen of the jury, for I myself do not need many words. If Pleasure had used charms or philtres to constrain Dionysius, whom Stoa claims to be her lover, to desert Stoa and to centre his regard upon her, she might fairly have been held a sorceress and might have been found guilty of using undue influence upon the lovers of others. But suppose a free man in a free city, unstopped by the laws, hating the tedium of life with her and thinking that the happiness which comes, she says, as the consummation of pain is stuff and nonsense, made his escape from her thorny, labyrinthine reasonings and ran away to Pleasure of his own free will, cutting the meshes of her logic as if they weré bonds, because he had the spirit of a human being, not of a clod, and thought pain painful, as indeed it is, and pleasure pleasant, in that case would it have been right to bar him out, plunging him head over ears into a sea of pain when he was swimming from a wreck to a haven and yearned for calm water—to put the poor fellow at the mercy of her dilemmas in spite of the fact that he was seeking asylum with Pleasure like a suppliant at the Altar of Mercy—in order that he might climb “the steep” with copious sweat, cast eyes upon that famous Virtue, and then, after toiling painfully his whole life long, be happy when life is over? Who should be considered a better judge than this man himself, who knew the teachings of Stoa if ever a man did, and formerly thought that only what was right was good, but now has learnt that pain is bad, and so has chosen what he has determined to be the better? He saw, no doubt, that her set make a great deal of talk about fortitude and endurance of pain, but privately pay court to Pleasure; that they are bold as brass in the lecture-room, but live under the laws of Pleasure at home; that they are ashamed, of course, to let themselves be seen “lowering their pitch” and playing false to their tenets, but suffer the tortures of Tantalus, poor fellows, so that wherever they think they will be unobserved and can transgress their laws with safety, they eagerly glut themselves with pleasure. In fact, if they should be given the ring of Gyges, so that they could put it on and be unseen, or the Cap of Darkness, without a doubt they would bid good-bye to pain for ever and would go crowding after Pleasure, one and all, imitating Dionysius who, until he was ill, expected to get some benefit from their discourses about fortitude, but when he encountered suffering and illness, and pain came closer home to him, he perceived that his body was contradicting Stoa and maintaining the opposite side. So he put more trust in it than in her set, decided that he was ‘aman, with the body of a man, and thenceforward treated it otherwise than as if it were a statue, well. aware that whoever maintains any other view and accuses PleasureDoth like to talk, but thinks as others do!I have done. Cast your ballots with this understanding of the case.
21. Ἐπίκουρος: οὐ μακρά, ὦ ἄνδρες δικασταί, πρὸς ὑμᾶς ἐρῶ· δεῖ γὰρ οὐδὲ πολλῶν μοι τῶν λόγων. ἀλλʼ εἰ μὲν ἐπῳδαῖς τισιν ἢ φαρμάκοις ὅν φησιν ἐραστὴν ἑαυτῆς ἡ Στοὰ τὸν Διονύσιον κατηνάγκασεν ταύτης μὲν ἀπέχεσθαι, πρὸς ἑαυτὴν δὲ ἀποβλέπειν ἡ Ἡδονή, φαρμακὶς ἂν εἰκότως ἔδοξεν καὶ ἀδικεῖν ἐκέκριτο ἐπὶ τοὺς ἀλλοτρίους ἐραστὰς μαγγανεύουσα. εἰ δέ τις ἐλεύθερος ἐν ἐλευθέρᾳ τῇ πόλει, μὴ ἀπαγορευόντων τῶν νόμων, τὴν παρὰ ταύτης ἀηδίαν μυσαχθεὶς καὶ ἥν φησι κεφάλαιον τῶν πόνων τὴν εὐδαιμονίαν παραγίγνεσθαι λῆρον οἰηθείς, τοὺς μὲν ἀγκύλους ἐκείνους λόγους καὶ λαβυρίνθοις ὁμοίους ἀπέφυγε, πρὸς δὲ τὴν Ἡδονὴν ἄσμενος ἐδραπέτευσεν ὥσπερ δεσμά τινα διακόψας τὰς τῶν λόγων πλεκτάνας, ἀνθρώπινα καὶ οὐ βλακώδη φρονήσας καὶ τὸν μὲν πόνον, ὅπερ ἐστί, πονηρόν, ἡδεῖαν δὲ τὴν ἡδονὴν οἰηθείς, ἀποκλείειν ἐχρῆν αὐτόν, ὥσπερ ἐκ ναυαγίου λιμένι προσνέοντα καὶ γαλήνης ἐπιθυμοῦντα συνωθοῦντας ἐπὶ κεφαλὴν εἰς τὸν πόνον, καὶ ἔκδοτον τὸν ἄθλιον παρέχειν ταῖς ἀπορίαις, καὶ ταῦτα ὥσπερ ἱκέτην ἐπὶ τὸν τοῦ Ἐλέου βωμὸν ἐπὶ τὴν Ἡδονὴν καταφεύγοντα, ἵνα τὴν πολυθρύλητον ἀρετὴν δηλαδὴ ἐπὶ τὸ ὄρθιον ἱδρῶτι πολλῷ ἀνελθὼν ἴδῃ κᾆτα διʼ ὅλου πονήσας τοῦ βίου εὐδαιμονήσῃ μετὰ τὸν βίον; καίτοι τίς ἂν κριτὴς δικαιότερος δόξειεν αὐτοῦ ἐκείνου, ὃς τὰ παρὰ τῆς Στοᾶς εἰδώς, εἰ καί τις ἄλλος, καὶ μόνον τέως τὸ καλὸν ἀγαθὸν οἰόμενος εἶναι, μεταμαθὼν ὡς κακὸν ὁ πόνος ἦν, τὸ βέλτιον ἐξ ἀμφοῖν δοκιμάσας εἵλετο; ἑώρα γάρ, οἶμαι, τούτους περὶ τοῦ καρτερεῖν καὶ ἀνέχεσθαι τοὺς πόνους πολλὰ διεξιόντας, ἰδίᾳ δὲ τὴν Ἡδονὴν θεραπεύοντας, καὶ μέχρι τοῦ λόγου νεανιευομένους, οἴκοι δὲ κατὰ τοὺς τῆς Ἡδονῆς νόμους βιοῦντας, αἰσχυνομένους μὲν εἰ φανοῦνται χαλῶντες τοῦ τόνου καὶ προδιδόντες τὸ δόγμα, πεπονθότας δὲ ἀθλίους τὸ τοῦ Ταντάλου, καὶ ἔνθα ἂν λήσειν καὶ ἀσφαλῶς παρανομήσειν ἐλπίσωσιν, χανδὸν ἐμπιμπλαμένους τοῦ ἡδέος. εἰ γοῦν τις αὐτοῖς τὸν τοῦ Γύγου δακτύλιον ἔδωκεν, ὡς περιθεμένους μὴ ὁρᾶσθαι, ἢ τὴν τοῦ Ἄϊδος κυνῆν, εὖ οἶδʼ ὅτι μακρὰ χαίρειν τοῖς πόνοις φράσαντες ἐπὶ τὴν Ἡδονὴν ὠθοῦντο ἂν καὶ ἐμιμοῦντο ἅπαντες τὸν Διονύσιον, ὃς μέχρι μὲν τῆς νόσου ἤλπιζεν ὠφελήσειν τι αὐτὸν τοὺς περὶ τῆς καρτερίας λόγους· ἐπεὶ δὲ ἤλγησεν καὶ ἐνόσησεν καὶ ὁ πόνος ἀληθέστερος αὐτοῦ καθίκετο, ἰδὼν τὸ σῶμα τὸ ἑαυτοῦ ἀντιφιλοσοφοῦν τῇ Στοᾷ καὶ τἀναντία δογματίζον, αὐτῷ μᾶλλον ἢ τούτοις ἐπίστευσεν καὶ ἔγνω ἄνθρωπος ὢν καὶ ἀνθρώπου σῶμα ἔχων, καὶ διετέλεσεν οὐχ ὡς ἀνδριάντι αὐτῷ χρώμενος, εἰδὼς ὅτι ὃς ἂν ἄλλως λέγῃ καὶ Ἡδονῆς κατηγορῇ, λόγοισι χαίρει, τὸν δὲ νοῦν ἐκεῖς’ ἔχει. εἴρηκα· ὑμεῖς δʼ ἐπὶ τούτοις ψηφοφορήσατε.
22. STOA: No, no! Let me cross-question him a little. EPICURUS: Put your questions: I will answer them.
22. Στοά: μηδαμῶς, ἀλλʼ ὀλίγα μοι συνερωτῆσαι ἐπιτρέψατε. Ἐπίκουρος: Ἐρώτησον· ἀποκρινοῦμαι γάρ.
STOA: Do you consider pain bad? EPICURUS: Yes.
Στοά: κακὸν ἡγῇ τὸν πόνον; Ἐπίκουρος: ναί.
STOA: And pleasure good? EPICURUS: Certainly.
Στοά: τὴν ἡδονὴν δὲ ἀγαθόν; Ἐπίκουρος: πάνυ μὲν οὖν.
STOA: Well, do you know the meaning of “material” and “immaterial,” of ‘approved” and “disapproved”? EPICURUS: Certainly.
Στοά: τί δέ; οἶσθα τί διάφορον καὶ ἀδιάφορον καὶ προηγμένον καὶ ἀποπροηγμένον; Ἐπίκουρος: μάλιστα.
HERMES: Stoa, the jurors say they can’t understand these dissyllabic questions, so be silent; they are voting.
Ἑρμῆς: οὔ φασιν, ὦ Στοά, συνιέναι οἱ δικασταὶ τὰ δισύλλαβα ταῦτα ἐρωτήματα· ὥστε ἡσυχίαν ἄγετε. ψηφοφοροῦσι γάρ.
STOA: I should have won if I had put him a question in the form of the “third indemonstrable.”
Στοά: καὶ μὴν ἐκράτησα ἄν, εἰ συνηρώτησα ἐν τῷ τρίτῳ τῶν ἀναποδείκτων σχήματι.
JUSTICE: Who won?
Δίκη: τίς ὑπερέσχεν;
HERMES: Pleasure, unanimously.
Ἑρμῆς: πάσαις ἡ Ἡδονή.
STOA: I appeal to Zeus!
Στοά: ἐφίημι ἐπὶ τὸν Δία.
JUSTICE: Good luck to you! Hermes, call another case.
Δίκη: τύχῃ τῇ ἀγαθῇ. σὺ δὲ ἄλλους κάλει.
23. HERMES: Virtue v. High-living, im re Aristippus. Let Aristippus appear in person. VIRTUE: I ought to speak first; I am Virtue, and Aristippus belongs to me, as his words and his deeds indicate. HIGH-LIVING No, indeed; I ought to speak first; I am High-living, and the man is mine, as you can see from his garlands, his purple cloak and his perfumes.
23. Ἑρμῆς: περὶ Ἀριστίππου Ἀρετὴ καὶ Τρυφή, καὶ Ἀρίστιππος δὲ αὐτὸς παρέστω. Ἀρετή: προτέραν ἐμὲ χρὴ τὴν Ἀρετὴν λέγειν· ἐμὸς γάρ ἐστιν Ἀρίστιππος, ὡς δηλοῦσιν οἱ λόγοι καὶ τὰ ἔργα. Τρυφή: οὐ μὲν οὖν, ἀλλʼ ἐμὲ τὴν Τρυφήν· ἐμὸς γὰρ ὁ ἀνήρ, ὡς ἔστιν ὁρᾶν ἀπὸ τῶν στεφάνων καὶ τῆς πορφυρίδος καὶ τῶν μύρων.
JUSTICE: Do not wrangle; this case will stand over until Zeus decides the case of Dionysius, for this seems to be similar. Consequently, if Pleasure wins, Highliving shall have Aristippus, but if Stoa prevails, he shall be adjudged to Virtue. So let others appear. Look here, though—these jurors are not to get the fee, for their case has not come to trial.
Δίκη: μὴ φιλονεικεῖτε· ὑπερκείσεται γὰρ καὶ αὕτη ἡ δίκη ἔστʼ ἂν ὁ Ζεὺς δικάσῃ περὶ τοῦ Διονυσίου· παραπλήσιον γάρ τι καὶ τοῦτο ἔοικεν εἶναι. ὥστʼ ἐὰν μὲν ἡ Ἡδονὴ κρατήσῃ, καὶ τὸν Ἀρίστιππον ἕξει ἡ Τρυφή· νικώσης δὲ αὖ τῆς Στοᾶς, καὶ οὗτος ἔσται τῆς Ἀρετῆς κεκριμένος. ὥστε ἄλλοι παρέστωσαν. τὸ δεῖνα μέντοι, μὴ λαμβανέτωσαν οὗτοι τὸ δικαστικόν· ἀδίκαστος γὰρ ἡ δίκη μεμένηκεν αὐτοῖς.
HERMES: Then are they to have come up here for nothing, old as they are, and the hill so high?
Ἑρμῆς: μάτην οὖν ἀνεληλυθότες ὦσι γέροντες ἄνδρες οὕτω μακρὰν τὴν ἀνάβασιν;
JUSTICE: It will be enough if they get a third. Go your ways; don’t be angry, you shall serve another day.
Δίκη: ἱκανόν, εἰ τριτημόριον λάβοιεν. ἄπιτε, μὴ ἀγανακτεῖτε, αὖθις δικάσετε.
24. HERMES: It is time for Diogenes of Sinope to appear. Make your complaint, Banking. DIOGENES: I protest, if she does not stop bothering me, Justice, it will not be running away that she will have me up for, but aggravated assault and battery, for I shall mighty soon.take my staff and.... JUSTICE: What have we here? Banking has run away, and he is making after her with his stick raised. The poor creature is likely to catch it pretty badly! Call Pyrrho, HERMES: Painting is here, Justice, but Pyrrho has not come up at all.
24. Ἑρμῆς: Διογένη Σινωπέα παρεῖναι καιρός, καὶ σὺ ἡ Ἀργυραμοιβικὴ λέγε. Διογένης: καὶ μὴν ἄν γε μὴ παύσηται ἐνοχλοῦσα, ὦ Δίκη, οὐκέτι δρασμοῦ δικάσεταί μοι, ἀλλὰ πολλῶν καὶ βαθέων τραυμάτων· ἐγὼ γὰρ αὐτίκα μάλα πατάξας τῷ ξύλῳ — Δίκη: τί τοῦτο; πέφευγεν ἡ Ἀργυραμοιβική, ὁ δὲ διώκει ἐπηρμένος τὸ βάκτρον. οὐ μέτριόν τι κακὸν ἡ ἀθλία ἔοικε λήψεσθαι. τὸν Πύρρωνα κήρυττε.
25. It might have been expected that he would do this.JUSTICE: Why, Hermes?
25. Ἑρμῆς: ἀλλʼ ἡ μὲν Γραφικὴ πάρεστιν, ὦ Δίκη, ὁ Πύρρων δὲ οὐδὲ τὴν ἀρχὴν ἀνελήλυθεν, καὶ ἐῴκει τοῦτο πράξειν.Δίκη: διὰ τί, ὦ Ἑρμῆ;
HERMES: Because he does not believe there is any true standard of judgment.
Ἑρμῆς: ὅτι οὐδὲν ἡγεῖται κριτήριον ἀληθὲς εἶναι.
JUSTICE: Then let them bring in a verdict by default against him. Now call the speech-writer, the Syrian. After all, it was only recently that the writs were lodged against him, and there was no pressing need to have tried the cases now. However, since that point has been decided, introduce the suit of Oratory first. Heavens, what a crowd has come together for the hearing!
Δίκη: τοιγαροῦν ἐρήμην αὐτοῦ καταδικασάτωσαν. τὸν λογογράφον ἤδη κάλει τὸν Σύρον. καίτοι πρῴην ἀπηνέχθησαν κατʼ αὐτοῦ αἱ γραφαί, καὶ οὐδὲν ἤπειγεν ἤδη κεκρίσθαι. πλὴν ἀλλʼ ἐπεὶ ἔδοξεν, προτέραν εἰσάγαγε τῆς Ῥητορικῆς τὴν δίκην. βαβαί, ὅσοι συνεληλύθασιν ἐπὶ τὴν ἀκρόασιν.
HERMES: Naturally, Justice. The case is not stale, but new and unfamiliar, having been entered only yesterday, as you said, and they hope to hear Oratory and Dialogue bringing charges in turn and the Syrian defending himself against both; this has brought crowds to court. But do begin your speech, Oratory.
Ἑρμῆς: εἰκότως, ὦ Δίκη· τό τε γὰρ μὴ ἕωλον εἶναι τὴν κρίσιν, ἀλλὰ καινὴν καὶ ξένην, χθές, ὥσπερ ἔφης, ἐπηγγελμένην, καὶ τὸ ἐλπίζειν ἀκούσεσθαι Ῥητορικῆς μὲν καὶ Διαλόγου ἐν τῷ μέρει κατηγορούντων, ἀπολογουμένου δὲ πρὸς ἀμφοτέρους τοῦ Σύρου, τοῦτο πολλοὺς ἐπήγαγε τῷ δικαστηρίῳ. πλὴν ἀλλὰ ἄρξαι ποτέ, ὦ Ῥητορική, τῶν λόγων.
26. ORATORY: In the first place, men of Athens, I pray the gods and goddesses one and al] that as much good will as I steadily entertain toward the city and toward all.of you may be shown me by you in this case, and secondly that the gods may move you to do what is above all the just thing to do—to bid my opponent hold his tongue and to let me make the complaint in the way that I have preferred and chosen. I cannot come to the same conclusion when I contemplate my own experiences and the speeches that I hear, for the speeches that he will make to you will be as like as can be to mine, but his actions, as you shall see, have gone so far that measures must be taken to prevent my experiencing worse injury at his hands... But not to prolong my introduction when the water has been running freely this long time, I will begin my complaint.
26. Ῥητορική: πρῶτον μέν, ὦ ἄνδρες Ἀθηναῖοι, τοῖς θεοῖς εὔχομαι πᾶσι καὶ πάσαις, ὅσην εὔνοιαν ἔχουσα διατελῶ τῇ τε πόλει καὶ πᾶσιν ὑμῖν, τοσαύτην ὑπάρξαι μοι παρʼ ὑμῶν εἰς τουτονὶ τὸν ἀγῶνα, ἔπειθʼ ὅπερ ἐστὶ μάλιστα δίκαιον, τοῦτο παραστῆσαι τοὺς θεοὺς ὑμῖν, τὸν μὲν ἀντίδικον σιωπᾶν κελεύειν, ἐμὲ δὲ ὡς προῄρημαι καὶ βεβούλημαι τὴν κατηγορίαν ἐᾶσαι ποιήσασθαι. οὐχὶ δὲ ταὐτὰ παρίσταταί μοι γιγνώσκειν ὅταν τε εἰς ἃ πέπονθα ἀποβλέψω καὶ ὅταν εἰς τοὺς λόγους οὓς ἀκούω· τοὺς μὲν γὰρ λόγους ὡς ὁμοιοτάτους τοῖς ἐμοῖς οὗτος ἐρεῖ πρὸς ὑμᾶς, τὰ δὲ πράγματα εἰς τοῦτο προήκοντα ὄψεσθε ὥστε ὅπως μὴ χεῖρόν τι πείσομαι πρὸς αὐτοῦ σκέψασθαι δέον. ἀλλὰ γὰρ ἵνα μὴ μακρὰ προοιμιάζωμαι τοῦ ὕδατος πάλαι εἰκῆ ῥέοντος, ἄρξομαι τῆς κατηγορίας.
27. ORATORY: When this man was a mere boy, gentlemen of the jury, still speaking with a foreign accent and I might almost say wearing a caftan in the Syrian style, I found him still wandering about in Ionia, not knowing what to do with himself; so I took him in hand and gave him an education. As it seemed to me that he was an apt pupil and paid strict attention to me—for he was subservient to me in those days and paid court to me and admired none but me—I turned my back upon all the others who were suing for my hand, although they were rich and goodlooking and of splendid ancestry, and plighted myself to this ingrate, who was poor and insignificant and young, bringing him a considerable dowry consisting in many marvellous speeches. Then, after we were married, I got him irregularly registered among my own clansmen and made him a citizen, so that those who had failed to secure my hand in marriage choked with envy. When he decided to go travelling in order to show how happily married he was, I did not desert him even then, but trailed up and down after him everywhere and made him famous and renowned by giving him finery and dressing him out. On our travels in Greece and in Ionia I do not lay so much emphasis; but when he took a fancy to go to Italy, I crossed the Adriatic with him, and at length I journeyed with him as far as Gaul, where I made him rich. For a long time he took my advice in everything and lived with me constantly, never spending a single night away from home:
27. Ῥητορική: ἐγὼ γάρ, ὦ ἄνδρες δικασταί, τουτονὶ κομιδῇ μειράκιον ὄντα, βάρβαρον ἔτι τὴν φωνὴν καὶ μονονουχὶ κάνδυν ἐνδεδυκότα εἰς τὸν Ἀσσύριον τρόπον, περὶ τὴν Ἰωνίαν εὑροῦσα πλαζόμενον ἔτι καὶ ὅ τι χρήσαιτο ἑαυτῷ οὐκ εἰδότα παραλαβοῦσα ἐπαίδευσα. καὶ ἐπειδὴ ἐδόκει μοι εὐμαθὴς εἶναι καὶ ἀτενὲς ὁρᾶν εἰς ἐμέ — ὑπέπτησσε γὰρ τότε καὶ ἐθεράπευεν καὶ μόνην ἐθαύμαζεν — ἀπολιποῦσα τοὺς ἄλλους ὁπόσοι ἐμνήστευόν με πλούσιοι καὶ καλοὶ καὶ λαμπροὶ τὰ προγονικά, τῷ ἀχαρίστῳ τούτῳ ἐμαυτὴν ἐνεγγύησα πένητι καὶ ἀφανεῖ καὶ νέῳ προῖκα οὐ μικρὰν ἐπενεγκαμένη πολλοὺς καὶ θαυμασίους λόγους. εἶτα ἀγαγοῦσα αὐτὸν εἰς τοὺς φυλέτας τοὺς ἐμοὺς παρενέγραψα καὶ ἀστὸν ἀπέφηνα, ὥστε τοὺς διαμαρτόντας τῆς ἐγγύης ἀποπνίγεσθαι. δόξαν δὲ αὐτῷ περινοστεῖν ἐπιδειξομένῳ τοῦ γάμου τὴν εὐποτμίαν, οὐδὲ τότε ἀπελείφθην, ἀλλὰ πανταχοῦ ἑπομένη ἄνω καὶ κάτω περιηγόμην· καὶ κλεινὸν αὐτὸν καὶ ἀοίδιμον ἐποίουν κατακοσμοῦσα καὶ περιστέλλουσα. καὶ τὰ μὲν ἐπὶ τῆς Ἑλλάδος καὶ τῆς Ἰωνίας μέτρια, εἰς δὲ τὴν Ἰταλίαν ἀποδημῆσαι θελήσαντι αὐτῷ τὸν Ἰόνιον συνδιέπλευσα καὶ τὰ τελευταῖα μέχρι τῆς Κελτικῆς συναπάρασα εὐπορεῖσθαι ἐποίησα. καὶ μέχρι μὲν πολλοῦ πάντα μοι ἐπείθετο καὶ συνῆν ἀεί, μηδεμίαν νύκτα γιγνόμενος ἀπόκοιτος παρʼ ἡμῶν.
28. ORATORY: but when he had laid in plenty of the sinews of war and thought that he was well off for reputation, he became supercilious and vain and neglected me, or rather deserted me completely. Having conceived an inordinate affection for that bearded man in the mantle, Dialogue, who is said to be the son of Philosophy and is older than he is, he lives with him. Showing no sense of shame, he has curtailed the freedom and the range of my speeches and has confined himself to brief, disjointed questions: and instead of saying whatever he wishes in a powerful voice, he fits together and spells out short paragraphs, for which he cannot get hearty praise or great applause from his hearers, but only a smile, or a restrained gesture of the hand, an inclination of the head, or a sigh to point his periods. That is the sort of thing this gallant gentleman fell in love with, despising me! They say, too, that he is not at peace with this favourite, either, but insults him in the same way.
28. Ῥητορική: ἐπεὶ δὲ ἱκανῶς ἐπεσιτίσατο καὶ τὰ πρὸς εὐδοξίαν εὖ ἔχειν αὐτῷ ὑπέλαβεν, τὰς ὀφρῦς ἐπάρας καὶ μέγα φρονήσας ἐμοῦ μὲν ἠμέλησεν, μᾶλλον δὲ τέλεον εἴασεν, αὐτὸς δὲ τὸν γενειήτην ἐκεῖνον, τὸν ἀπὸ τοῦ σχήματος, τὸν Διάλογον, Φιλοσοφίας υἱὸν εἶναι λεγόμενον, ὑπεραγαπήσας μάλα ἐρωτικῶς πρεσβύτερον αὐτοῦ ὄντα, τούτῳ σύνεστιν. καὶ οὐκ αἰσχύνεται τὴν μὲν ἐλευθερίαν καὶ τὸ ἄνετον τῶν ἐν ἐμοὶ λόγων συντεμών, εἰς μικρὰ δὲ καὶ κομματικὰ ἐρωτήματα κατακλείσας ἑαυτόν, καὶ ἀντὶ τοῦ λέγειν ὅ τι βούλεται μεγάλῃ τῇ φωνῇ βραχεῖς τινας λόγους ἀναπλέκων καὶ συλλαβίζων, ἀφʼ ὧν ἀθρόος μὲν ἔπαινος ἢ κρότος πολὺς οὐκ ἂν ἀπαντήσειεν αὐτῷ, μειδίαμα δὲ παρὰ τῶν ἀκουόντων καὶ τὸ ἐπισεῖσαι τὴν χεῖρα ἐντὸς τῶν ὅρων καὶ μικρὰ ἐπινεῦσαι τῇ κεφαλῇ καὶ ἐπιστενάξαι τοῖς λεγομένοις. τοιούτων ἠράσθη ὁ γενναῖος ἐμοῦ καταφρονήσας. φασὶν δὲ αὐτὸν μηδὲ πρὸς τὸν ἐρώμενον τοῦτον εἰρήνην ἄγειν, ἀλλὰ ὅμοια καὶ ἐκεῖνον ὑβρίζειν.
29. ORATORY: Is he not, then, ungrateful and subject to punishment under the laws that concern desertion, inasmuch as he so disgracefully abandoned his lawful wife, from whom he received so much and through whom he is famous, and sought a new arrangement, now of all times, when I alone am admired and claimed as patroness by everyone? For my part I hold out against all those who court me, and when they knock at my door and call my name at the top of their lungs, I have no desire either to open or to reply, for I see that they bring with them nothing but their voices. But this man even then does not come back to me: no, he keeps his eyes upon his favourite. Ye gods, what good does he expect to get from him, knowing that he has nothing but his short cloak? I have finished, gentlemen of the jury. But I beg you, if he wishes to make his defence in my style of speaking, do not permit that, for it -would be unkind to turn my own weapon against me; let him defend himself, if he can, in the style of his favourite, Dialogue.
29. Ῥητορική: πῶς οὖν οὐκ ἀχάριστος οὗτος καὶ ἔνοχος τοῖς περὶ τῆς κακώσεως νόμοις, ὃς τὴν μὲν νόμῳ γαμετὴν παρʼ ἧς τοσαῦτα εἴληφεν καὶ διʼ ἣν ἔνδοξός ἐστιν οὕτως ἀτίμως ἀπέλιπεν, καινῶν δὲ ὠρέχθη πραγμάτων, καὶ ταῦτα νῦν ὁπότε μόνην ἐμὲ θαυμάζουσιν καὶ ἐπιγράφονται ἅπαντες προστάτιν ἑαυτῶν; ἀλλʼ ἐγὼ μὲν ἀντέχω τοσούτων μνηστευόντων, καὶ κόπτουσιν αὐτοῖς τὴν θύραν καὶ τοὔνομα ἐπιβοωμένοις μεγάλῃ τῇ φωνῇ οὔτε ἀνοίγειν οὔτε ὑπακούειν βούλομαι· ὁρῶ γὰρ αὐτοὺς οὐδὲν πλέον τῆς βοῆς κομίζοντας. οὗτος δὲ οὐδὲ οὕτως ἐπιστρέφεται πρὸς ἐμέ, ἀλλὰ πρὸς τὸν ἐρώμενον βλέπει, τί, ὦ θεοί, χρηστὸν παρʼ αὐτοῦ λήψεσθαι προσδοκῶν, ὃν οἶδε τοῦ τρίβωνος οὐδὲν πλέον ἔχοντα; εἴρηκα, ὦ ἄνδρες δικασταί, ὑμεῖς δέ, ἢν εἰς τὸν ἐμὸν τρόπον τῶν λόγων ἀπολογεῖσθαι θέλῃ, τοῦτο μὲν μὴ ἐπιτρέπετε, — ἄγνωμον γὰρ ἐπʼ ἐμὲ τὴν ἐμὴν μάχαιραν ἀκονᾶν — κατὰ δὲ τὸν αὑτοῦ ἐρώμενον τὸν Διάλογον οὕτως ἀπολογείσθω, ἢν δύνηται.
HERMES: That is unreasonable. It is not possible, Oratory, for him, all by himself, to make his defence after Dialogue’s manner. Let him make a speech as you did.
Ἑρμῆς: τοῦτο μὲν ἀπίθανον· οὐ γὰρ οἷόν τε, ὦ Ῥητορική, μόνον αὐτὸν ἀπολογεῖσθαι κατὰ σχῆμα τοῦ Διαλόγου, ἀλλὰ ῥῆσιν καὶ αὐτὸς εἰπάτω.
30. THE SYRIAN: Gentlemen of the jury, as my opponent was indignant at the thought of my using a long speech when I acquired my power of speaking from her, I shall not say much to you, but shall simply answer the main points of her complaint and then leave it to you to weigh the whole question. In all that she told about me she told the truth. She gave me an education and went abroad with me and had me enfranchized as a Greek, and on this account, at least, I am grateful to her for marrying me. Why I left her and took to my friend here, Dialogue, listen, gentlemen of the jury, and you shall hear; and do not imagine that I am telling any falsehood for the sake of advantage.
30. Σῦρος: ἐπεὶ καὶ τοῦτο, ὦ ἄνδρες δικασταί, ἡ ἀντίδικος ἠγανάκτησεν, εἰ μακρῷ χρήσομαι τῷ λόγῳ, καὶ ταῦτα τὸ δύνασθαι λέγειν παρʼ ἐκείνης λαβών, πολλὰ μὲν οὐκ ἐρῶ πρὸς ὑμᾶς, τὰ κεφάλαια δὲ αὐτὰ ἀπολυσάμενος τῶν κατηγορηθέντων ὑμῖν ἀπολείψω σκοπεῖν περὶ ἁπάντων. πάντα γὰρ ὁπόσα διηγήσατο περὶ ἐμοῦ ἀληθῆ ὄντα διηγήσατο· καὶ γὰρ ἐπαίδευσεν καὶ συναπεδήμησεν καὶ εἰς τοὺς Ἕλληνας ἐνέγραψεν, καὶ κατά γε τοῦτο χάριν ἂν εἰδείην τῷ γάμῳ. διʼ ἃς δὲ αἰτίας ἀπολιπὼν αὐτὴν ἐπὶ τουτονὶ τὸν Διάλογον ἐτραπόμην, ἀκούσατε, ὦ ἄνδρες δικασταί, καί με μηδὲν τοῦ χρησίμου ἕνεκα ψεύδεσθαι ὑπολάβητε.
31. HERMES: Seeing that she was no longer modest and did not continue to clothe herself in the respectable way that she did once when Demosthenes took her to wife, but made herself up, arranged her hair like a courtesan, put on rouge, and darkened her eyes underneath, I became suspicious at once and secretly took note where she directed her glances. I pass over everything else, but every night our street was full of maudlin lovers coming to serenade her, knocking at the door, and sometimes even venturing to force an entrance in disorderly fashion. She herself laughed and enjoyed these performances, and generally, when she heard them singing lovesongs in a hoarse voice, she either peeped over the edge of the roof or else even slyly opened the windows, thinking that I would not notice it, and then. wantoned and intrigued with them. I could not stand this, and as I did not think it best to bring an action for divorce against her on the ground of adultery, I went to Dialogue, who lived near by, and requested him to take me in.
31. Σῦρος: ἐγὼ γὰρ ὁρῶν ταύτην οὐκέτι σωφρονοῦσαν οὐδὲ μένουσαν ἐπὶ τοῦ κοσμίου σχήματος οἷόν ποτε ἐσχηματισμένην αὐτὴν ὁ Παιανιεὺς ἐκεῖνος ἠγάγετο, κοσμουμένην δὲ καὶ τὰς τρίχας εὐθετίζουσαν εἰς τὸ ἑταιρικὸν καὶ φυκίον ἐντριβομένην καὶ τὠφθαλμὼ ὑπογραφομένην, ὑπώπτευον εὐθὺς καὶ παρεφύλαττον ὅποι τὸν ὀφθαλμὸν φέρει. καὶ τὰ μὲν ἄλλα ἐῶ· καθʼ ἑκάστην δὲ τὴν νύκτα ὁ μὲν στενωπὸς ἡμῶν ἐνεπίμπλατο μεθυόντων ἐραστῶν κωμαζόντων ἐπʼ αὐτὴν καὶ κοπτόντων τὴν θύραν, ἐνίων δὲ καὶ εἰσβιάζεσθαι σὺν οὐδενὶ κόσμῳ τολμώντων. αὐτὴ δὲ ἐγέλα καὶ ἥδετο τοῖς δρωμένοις καὶ τὰ πολλὰ ἢ παρέκυπτεν ἀπὸ τοῦ τέγους ᾀδόντων ἀκούουσα τραχείᾳ τῇ φωνῇ ᾠδάς τινας ἐρωτικὰς ἢ καὶ παρανοίγουσα τὰς θυρίδας ἐμὲ οἰομένη λανθάνειν ἠσέλγαινε καὶ ἐμοιχεύετο πρὸς αὐτῶν. ὅπερ ἐγὼ μὴ φέρων γράψασθαι μὲν αὐτὴν μοιχείας οὐκ ἐδοκίμαζον, ἐν γειτόνων δὲ οἰκοῦντι τῷ Διαλόγῳ προσελθὼν ἠξίουν καταδεχθῆναι ὑπʼ αὐτοῦ.
32. HERMES: That is the great injustice that I have done Oratory. After all, even if she had not acted as she did, it would have been proper that I, a man already about forty years of age, should take my leave of her stormy scenes and lawsuits, should let the gentlemen of the jury rest in peace, refraining from accusations of tyrants and laudations of princes, and should betake myself to the Academy or the Lyceum to walk about with this excellent person. Dialogue while we converse quietly without feeling any need of praise and applause. Though I have much to say, I will stop now. Cast your vote in accordance with your oath. (The votes are counted.)
32. Σῦρος: ταῦτά ἐστιν ἃ τὴν Ῥητορικὴν ἐγὼ μεγάλα ἠδίκηκα. καίτοι εἰ καὶ μηδὲν αὐτῇ τοιοῦτο ἐπέπρακτο, καλῶς εἶχέ μοι ἀνδρὶ ἤδη τετταράκοντα ἔτη σχεδὸν γεγονότι θορύβων μὲν ἐκείνων καὶ δικῶν ἀπηλλάχθαι καὶ τοὺς ἄνδρας τοὺς δικαστὰς ἀτρεμεῖν ἐᾶν, τυράννων κατηγορίας καὶ ἀριστέων ἐπαίνους ἐκφυγόντα, εἰς δὲ τὴν Ἀκαδήμειαν ἢ εἰς τὸ Λύκειον ἐλθόντα τῷ βελτίστῳ τούτῳ Διαλόγῳ συμπεριπατεῖν ἠρέμα διαλεγομένους, τῶν ἐπαίνων καὶ κρότων οὐ δεομένους. πολλὰ ἔχων εἰπεῖν ἤδη παύσομαι. ὑμεῖς δὲ εὔορκον τὴν ψῆφον ἐνέγκατε.
JUSTICE: Who is the winner?
Δίκη: τίς κρατεῖ;
HERMES: The Syrian, with every vote but one.
Ἑρμῆς: πάσαις ὁ Σύρος πλὴν μιᾶς.
JUSTICE: Very likely it was a public speaker who cast the vote against him.
Δίκη: ῥήτωρ τις ἔοικεν εἶναι ὁ τὴν ἐναντίαν θέμενος.
33. JUSTICE: Let Dialogue plead before the same jury. (To the Jurors) Wait, and you shall get double pay for the two cases. DIALOGUE: For my part, gentlemen of the jury, I should prefer not to make you along speech, but to discuss the matter a little at a time, as is my wont. Nevertheless I will make my complaint in the way that is customary in courts of law, although I am completely uninformed and inexperienced in such matters. Please consider this my introduction. The wrongs done me and the insults put upon me by this man are these. I was formerly dignified, and pondered upon the gods and nature and the cycle of the universe, treading the air high up above the clouds where “great Zeus in heaven driving his winged car” sweeps on; but he dragged me down when I was already soaring above the zenith. and mounting on “heaven’s back,” and broke my wings, putting me on the same level as the common herd. Moreover, he took away from me the respectable tragic mask that I had, and put another upon me that is comic, satyr-like, and almost ridiculous. Then he unceremoniously permed me up with Jest and Satire and Cynicism and Eupolis and Aristophanes, terrible men for mocking all that is holy and scoffing at all that is right. At last he even dug up and thrust in upon me Menippus, a prehistoric dog, with a very loud bark, it seems, and sharp fangs, a really dreadful dog who bites unexpectedly because he grins when he bites. Have I not been dreadfully maltreated, when I no longer occupy my proper réle but play the comedian and the buffoon and act out extraordinary plots for him? What is most monstrous of all, I have been turned into a surprising blend, for I am neither afoot nor ahorseback, neither prose nor verse, but seem to my hearers a strange phenomenon made up of. different elements, like a Centaur.
33. Δίκη: ὁ Διάλογος ἐπὶ τῶν αὐτῶν λέγε. ὑμεῖς δὲ περιμείνατε, διπλάσιον ἀποισόμενοι τὸν μισθὸν ἐπʼ ἀμφοτέραις ταῖς δίκαις. Διάλογος: ἐγὼ δέ, ὦ ἄνδρες δικασταί, μακροὺς μὲν ἀποτείνειν τοὺς λόγους οὐκ ἂν ἐβουλόμην πρὸς ὑμᾶς, ἀλλὰ κατὰ μικρὸν ὥσπερ εἴωθα. ὅμως δὲ ὡς νόμος ἐν τοῖς δικαστηρίοις, οὕτω ποιήσομαι τὴν κατηγορίαν ἰδιώτης παντάπασιν καὶ ἄτεχνος τῶν τοιούτων ὤν· καί μοι τοῦτο ἔστω πρὸς ὑμᾶς τὸ προοίμιον. ἃ δὲ ἠδίκημαι καὶ περιύβρισμαι πρὸς τούτου, ταῦτά ἐστιν, ὅτι με σεμνὸν τέως ὄντα καὶ θεῶν τε πέρι καὶ φύσεως καὶ τῆς τῶν ὅλων περιόδου σκοπούμενον, ὑψηλὸν ἄνω που τῶν νεφῶν ἀεροβατοῦντα, ἔνθα ὁ μέγας ἐν οὐρανῷ Ζεὺς πτηνὸν ἅρμα ἐλαύνων φέρεται, κατασπάσας αὐτὸς ἤδη κατὰ τὴν ἁψῖδα πετόμενον καὶ ἀναβαίνοντα ὑπὲρ τὰ νῶτα τοῦ οὐρανοῦ καὶ τὰ πτερὰ συντρίψας ἰσοδίαιτον τοῖς πολλοῖς ἐποίησεν, καὶ τὸ μὲν τραγικὸν ἐκεῖνο καὶ σωφρονικὸν προσωπεῖον ἀφεῖλέ μου, κωμικὸν δὲ καὶ σατυρικὸν ἄλλο ἐπέθηκέ μοι καὶ μικροῦ δεῖν γελοῖον. εἶτά μοι εἰς τὸ αὐτὸ φέρων συγκαθεῖρξεν τὸ σκῶμμα καὶ τὸν ἴαμβον καὶ κυνισμὸν καὶ τὸν Εὔπολιν καὶ τὸν Ἀριστοφάνη, δεινοὺς ἄνδρας ἐπικερτομῆσαι τὰ σεμνὰ καὶ χλευάσαι τὰ ὀρθῶς ἔχοντα. τελευταῖον δὲ καὶ Μένιππόν τινα τῶν παλαιῶν κυνῶν μάλα ὑλακτικὸν ὡς δοκεῖ καὶ κάρχαρον ἀνορύξας, καὶ τοῦτον ἐπεισήγαγεν μοι φοβερόν τινα ὡς ἀληθῶς κύνα καὶ τὸ δῆγμα λαθραῖον, ὅσῳ καὶ γελῶν ἅμα ἔδακνεν. πῶς οὖν οὐ δεινὰ ὕβρισμαι μηκέτʼ ἐπὶ τοῦ οἰκείου διακείμενος, ἀλλὰ κωμῳδῶν καὶ γελωτοποιῶν καὶ ὑποθέσεις ἀλλοκότους ὑποκρινόμενος αὐτῷ; τὸ γὰρ πάντων ἀτοπώτατον, κρᾶσίν τινα παράδοξον κέκραμαι καὶ οὔτε πεζός εἰμι οὔτε ἐπὶ τῶν μέτρων βέβηκα, ἀλλὰ ἱπποκενταύρου δίκην σύνθετόν τι καὶ ξένον φάσμα τοῖς ἀκούουσι δοκῶ.
34. HERMES: What are you going to say to this, Master Syrian? THE SYRIAN Gentlemen of the jury, the suit that I am contesting now before you is unexpected. In fact, I should have looked for anything else in the world sooner than that Dialogue should say such things about. me. When I took him in hand, he was still dour, as most people thought, and had been reduced to a skeleton through continual questions. In that guise he seemed awe-inspiring, to be sure, but not in any way attractive or agreeable to the public. So first of all I got him into the way of walking on the ground like a human being; afterwards by washing off all his accumulated grime and forcing him to smile, I made him more agreeable to those who saw him: and on top of all that, I paired him with Comedy, and in this way too procured him great favour from his hearers, who formerly feared his prickles and avoided taking hold of him as if he were a sea-urchin. I know, however, what hurts him most. It is that I do not sit and quibble with him about those obscure, subtle themes of his, like “whether the soul is immortal,” and “when God made the world, how many pints of pure, changeless substance he poured into the vessel in which he concocted the universe,” and “whether rhetoric is the false counterpart of a subdivision of political science, the fourth form of parasitic occupation.” Somehow he delights in dissecting such problems, just as people like to scratch where it itches. Reflection is sweet to him, and he sets great store by himself if they say that not everyone can grasp his penetrating speculations about “ideas.” That is what he expects of me, naturally; and he demands those wings of his and gazes on high without seeing what lies at his feet. As far as the rest of it goes, he cannot complain, I am sure, that I have stripped him of that Greek mantle and shifted him into a foreign one, even though I myself am considered foreign. Indeed I should be doing wrong to transgress in that way against him. and to steal away his native costume. I have made the best defence that I can. Please cast the same ballot as before. (The votes are counted.)
34. Ἑρμῆς: τί οὖν πρὸς ταῦτα ἐρεῖς, ὦ Σύρε; Σῦρος: ἀπροσδόκητον, ὦ ἄνδρες δικασταί, τὸν ἀγῶνα τοῦτον ἀγωνίζομαι παρʼ ὑμῖν· πάντα γοῦν μᾶλλον ἂν ἤλπισα ἢ τὸν Διάλογον τοιαῦτα ἐρεῖν περὶ ἐμοῦ, ὃν παραλαβὼν ἐγὼ σκυθρωπὸν ἔτι τοῖς πολλοῖς δοκοῦντα καὶ ὑπὸ τῶν συνεχῶν ἐρωτήσεων κατεσκληκότα, καὶ ταύτῃ αἰδέσιμον μὲν εἶναι δοκοῦντα, οὐ πάντῃ δὲ ἡδὺν οὐδὲ τοῖς πλήθεσι κεχαρισμένον, πρῶτον μὲν αὐτὸν ἐπὶ γῆς βαίνειν εἴθισα εἰς τὸν ἀνθρώπινον τοῦτον τρόπον, μετὰ δὲ τὸν αὐχμὸν τὸν πολὺν ἀποπλύνας καὶ μειδιᾶν καταναγκάσας ἡδίω τοῖς ὁρῶσι παρεσκεύασα, ἐπὶ πᾶσι δὲ τὴν κωμῳδίαν αὐτῷ παρέζευξα, καὶ κατὰ τοῦτο πολλήν οἱ μηχανώμενος τὴν εὔνοιαν παρὰ τῶν ἀκουόντων, οἳ τέως τὰς ἀκάνθας τὰς ἐν αὐτῷ δεδιότες ὥσπερ τὸν ἐχῖνον εἰς τὰς χεῖρας λαβεῖν αὐτὸν ἐφυλάττοντο. ἀλλʼ ἐγὼ οἶδʼ ὅπερ μάλιστα λυπεῖ αὐτόν, ὅτι μὴ τὰ γλίσχρα ἐκεῖνα καὶ λεπτὰ κάθημαι πρὸς αὐτὸν σμικρολογούμενος, εἰ ἀθάνατος ἡ ψυχή, καὶ πόσας κοτύλας ὁ θεὸς ὁπότε τὸν κόσμον εἰργάσατο τῆς ἀμιγοῦς καὶ κατὰ ταὐτὰ ἐχούσης οὐσίας ἐνέχεεν εἰς τὸν κρατῆρα ἐν ᾧ τὰ πάντα ἐκεράννυτο, καὶ εἰ ἡ Ῥητορικὴ πολιτικῆς μορίου εἴδωλον, κολακείας τὸ τέταρτον. χαίρει γὰρ οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως τὰ τοιαῦτα λεπτολογῶν καθάπερ οἱ τὴν ψώραν ἡδέως κνώμενοι, καὶ τὸ φρόντισμα ἡδὺ αὐτῷ δοκεῖ καὶ μέγα φρονεῖ ἢν λέγηται ὡς οὐ παντὸς ἀνδρός ἐστι συνιδεῖν ἃ περὶ τῶν ἰδεῶν ὀξυδορκεῖ. ταῦτα δηλαδὴ καὶ παρʼ ἐμοῦ ἀπαιτεῖ καὶ τὰ πτερὰ ἐκεῖνα ζητεῖ καὶ ἄνω βλέπει τὰ πρὸ τοῖν ποδοῖν οὐχ ὁρῶν. ἐπεὶ τῶν γε ἄλλων ἕνεκα οὐκ ἂν οἶμαι μέμψαιτό μοι, ὡς θοἰμάτιον τοῦτο τὸ Ἑλληνικὸν περισπάσας αὐτοῦ βαρβαρικόν τι μετενέδυσα, καὶ ταῦτα βάρβαρος αὐτὸς εἶναι δοκῶν· ἠδίκουν γὰρ ἂν τὰ τοιαῦτα εἰς αὐτὸν παρανομῶν καὶ τὴν πάτριον ἐσθῆτα λωποδυτῶν. ἀπολελόγημαι ὡς δυνατὸν ἐμοί· ὑμεῖς δὲ ὁμοίαν τῇ πάλαι τὴν ψῆφον ἐνέγκατε.
35. HERMES: Well, well! You win by all of ten votes! The same one who voted against you before will not vote as the rest even now. Without doubt it is a habit, and the man always casts the ballot that has a hole in it. I hope he will keep onenvying men of standing. Well, go your ways, and good luck to you. To-morrow we shall try the rest of the cases.
35. Ἑρμῆς: βαβαί, δέκα ὅλαις κρατεῖς· ὁ γὰρ αὐτὸς ἐκεῖνος ὁ πάλαι οὐδὲ νῦν ὁμόψηφός ἐστιν. ἀμέλει τοῦτο ἔθος ἐστίν, καὶ πᾶσι τὴν τετρυπημένην οὗτος φέρει· καὶ μὴ παύσαιτο φθονῶν τοῖς ἀρίστοις. ἀλλʼ ὑμεῖς μὲν ἄπιτε ἀγαθῇ τύχῃ, αὔριον δὲ τὰς λοιπὰς δικάσομεν.