1. TYCHIADES Why in the world is it, Simon, that while other men, both slave and free, each know some art by which they are of use to themselves and to someone else, you apparently have no work which would enable you to make any profit yourself or give away anything to anybody else? SIMON What do you mean by that question, Tychiades? I do not understand. Try to put it more clearly. TYCHIADES Is there any art that you happen to know? Music, for instance? ° SIMON No, indeed. TYCHIADES Well, medicine? SIMON Not that, either. TYCHIADES Geometry, then? SIMON Not by any means. Well, rhetoric? For as to philosophy, you are as remote from that as vice itself is! SIMON Indeed, even more so, if possible. So don’t suppose you have touched me with that taunt, as if I did not know it. I admit that I am vicious, and worse than you think! TYCHIADES Quite so. Well, it may be that although you have not learned those arts because of their magnitude and difficulty, you have learned one of the vulgar arts like carpentry or shoemaking; you are not so well off in every way as not to need even such an art. SIMON You are right, Tychiades; but I am not acquainted with any of these either. TYCHIADES What other art, then? SIMON What other? A fine one, I think. If you knew about it, I believe you would speak highly of it too. In practice, I claim to be successful at it already, but whether you will find me so in theory also I can't say. TYCHIADES What is it? SIMON I do not feel that I have yet thoroughly mastered the literature on that subject. So for the present you may know that I possess an art and need not be dissatisfied with me on that score; some other day you shall hear what art it is. TYCHIADES But I can’t wait. SIMON The nature of the art will perhaps seem extraordinary when you hear it. TYCHIADES Tr aly, that is just why I am keen to know about it. SIMON ‘Some other day, Tychiades. TYCHIADES Oh, no! Tell me now—unless you are ashamed! SIMON Parasitic.
1. Τυχιάδης: τί ποτε ἄρα, ὦ Σίμων, οἱ μὲν ἄλλοι ἄνθρωποι καὶ ἐλεύθεροι καὶ δοῦλοι τέχνην ἕκαστός τινα ἐπίστανται διʼ ἧς αὑτοῖς τέ εἰσιν καὶ ἄλλῳ χρήσιμοι, σὺ δέ, ὡς ἔοικεν, ἔργον οὐδὲν ἔχεις διʼ οὗ ἄν τι ἢ αὐτὸς ἀπόναιο ἢ ἄλλῳ μεταδοίης; Σίμων: πῶς τοῦτο ἐρωτᾷς, ὦ Τυχιάδη; οὐδέπω οἶδα. πειρῶ δὴ σαφέστερον ἐρωτᾶν. Τυχιάδης: ἔστιν ἥντινα τυγχάνεις ἐπιστάμενος τέχνην, οἷον μουσικήν; Σίμων: μὰ Δία. Τυχιάδης: Τί δέ, ἰατρικήν; Σίμων: οὐδὲ ταύτην. Τυχιάδης: ἀλλὰ γεωμετρίαν; Σίμων: οὐδαμῶς. Τυχιάδης: τί δέ, ῥητορικήν; φιλοσοφίας μὲν γὰρ τοσοῦτον ἀπέχεις ὅσον καὶ ἡ κακία. Σίμων: ἐγὼ μέν, εἰ οἷόν τε εἶναι, καὶ πλεῖον. ὥστε μὴ δόκει τοῦτο καθάπερ ἀγνοοῦντι ὀνειδίσαι· φημὶ γὰρ κακὸς εἶναι καὶ χείρων ἢ σὺ δοκεῖς. Τυχιάδης: ναί. ἀλλὰ ταύτας μὲν ἴσως τὰς τέχνας οὐκ ἐξέμαθες διὰ μέγεθος αὐτῶν καὶ δυσκολίαν, τῶν δὲ δημοτικῶν τινα, τεκτονικὴν ἢ σκυτοτομικήν; καὶ γὰρ οὐδὲ τἄλλα οὕτως ἔχει σοι, ὡς μὴ καὶ τοιαύτης ἂν δεηθῆναι τέχνης. Σίμων: ὀρθῶς λέγεις, ὦ Τυχιάδη· ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ γὰρ τούτων οὐδεμιᾶς ἐπιστήμων εἰμί. Τυχιάδης: τίνος οὖν ἑτέρας; Σίμων: τίνος; ὡς ἐγὼ οἶμαι, γενναίας· ἣν εἰ μάθοις, καὶ σὲ ἐπαινέσειν οἴομαι. ἔργῳ μὲν οὖν κατορθοῦν φημι ἤδη, εἰ δέ σοι καὶ λόγῳ, οὐκ ἔχω εἰπεῖν. Τυχιάδης: τίνα ταύτην; Σίμων: οὔπω μοι δοκῶ τοὺς περὶ ταύτην ἐκμεμελετηκέναι λόγους. ὥστε ὅτι τέχνην μέν τινα ἐπίσταμαι, ὑπάρχει ἤδη σοι γιγνώσκειν καὶ μὴ διὰ τοῦτο χαλεπῶς μοι ἔχειν· ἥντινα δέ, αὖθις ἀκούσῃ. Τυχιάδης: ἀλλʼ οὐκ ἀνέξομαι. Σίμων: τό γε τῆς τέχνης παράδοξον ἴσως φανεῖταί σοι ἀκούσαντι. Τυχιάδης: καὶ μὴν διὰ τοῦτο σπουδάζω μαθεῖν. Σίμων: εἰσαῦθις, ὦ Τυχιάδη. Τυχιάδης: μηδαμῶς, ἀλλʼ ἤδη λέγε, εἰ μή περ ἄρα αἰσχύνῃ. Σίμων: ἡ παρασιτική.
2. TYCHIADES Really, would anyone who was not insane call that an art, Simon? SIMON I do; and if you think I am insane, think also that my insanity is the reason for my not knowing any other art and acquit me of your charges at once. They say, you know, that this malign spirit, cruel in all else to those whom she inhabits, at least secures them remission of their sins, like a schoolmaster or a tutor, by taking the blame for them upon herself. ~ TYCHIADES Well then, Simon, Parasitic is an art?SIMON Indeed it is, and I am a craftsman in it.TYCHIADES Then you are a parasite? SIMON That was a cruel thrust, Tychiades! TYCHIADES But do not you blush to call yourself a parasite? SIMON Not at all; I should be ashamed not to speak it out. TYCHIADES Then, by Zeus, when we wish to tell about you to someone who does not know you, when he wants to find out about you, of course we shall be correct in referring to you as “the parasite”? SIMON Far more correct in referring to me so than in referring to Phidias as a sculptor, for I take quite as much joy in my art as Phidias did in his Zeus. TYCHIADES I say, here is a point; as I think of it, a gale of laughter has come over me! SIMON What is it? TYCHIADES What if we should address you in due form at the top of our letters as “Simon the Parasite”!SIMON Why, you would do me greater pleasure than you would Dion by addressing him as “the Philosopher.”
2. Τυχιάδης: κᾆτα εἰ μὴ μαίνοιτό τις, ὦ Σίμων, τέχνην ταύτην φαίη ἄν; Σίμων: ἔγωγε· εἰ δέ σοι μαίνεσθαι δοκῶ, τοῦ μηδεμίαν ἄλλην ἐπίστασθαι τέχνην αἰτίαν εἶναί μοι τὴν μανίαν δόκει καί με τῶν ἐγκλημάτων ἤδη ἀφίει. φασὶ γὰρ τὴν δαίμονα ταύτην τὰ μὲν ἄλλα χαλεπὴν εἶναι τοῖς ἔχουσι, παραιτεῖσθαι δὲ τῶν ἁμαρτημάτων αὐτοὺς ὥσπερ διδάσκαλον ἢ παιδαγωγὸν τούτων ἀναδεχομένην εἰς αὑτὴν τὰς αἰτίας. Τυχιάδης: οὐκοῦν, ὦ Σίμων, ἡ παρασιτικὴ τέχνη ἐστί; Σίμων: τέχνη γάρ, κἀγὼ ταύτης δημιουργός. Τυχιάδης: καὶ σὺ ἄρα παράσιτος; Σίμων: πάνυ ὠνείδισας, ὦ Τυχιάδη. Τυχιάδης: ἀλλʼ οὐκ ἐρυθριᾷς παράσιτον σαυτὸν καλῶν; Σίμων: οὐδαμῶς· αἰσχυνοίμην γὰρ ἄν, εἰ μὴ λέγοιμι. Τυχιάδης: καὶ νὴ Δία ὁπόταν σε βουλώμεθα γνωρίζειν τῶν οὐκ ἐπισταμένων τῳ, ὅτε χρῄζοι μαθεῖν, ὁ παράσιτος δῆλον ὅτι φήσομεν εὖ λέγοντες; Σίμων: πολὺ μᾶλλον τοῦτο λέγοντες ἐμὲ ἢ Φειδίαν ἀγαλματοποιόν· χαίρω γὰρ τῇ τέχνῃ οὐδέν τι ἧττον ἢ Φειδίας ἔχαιρε τῷ Διί. Τυχιάδης: καὶ μὴν ἐκεῖνό μοι σκοποῦντι προοῖσται γέλως πάμπολυς. Σίμων: τὸ ποῖον; Τυχιάδης: εἴ γε καὶ ταῖς ἐπιστολαῖς ἄνωθεν ὥσπερ ἔθος ἐπιγράφοιμεν, Σίμωνι παρασίτῳ. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν ἂν ἐμοὶ μᾶλλον χαρίζοιο ἢ Δίωνι ἐπιγράφων φιλοσόφῳ.
3. TYCHIADES Well, how it pleases you to be styled matters little or nothing to me; but you must consider the general absurdity of it. SIMON What absurdity, I should like to know? TYCHIADES If we are to list this among the other arts, so that when anybody enquires what art it is, we shall say “Parasitic,” to correspond with Music and Rhetoric.SIMON For my part, Tychiades, I should call this an art far more than any other. If you care to listen, I think I can tell you why, although, as I just said, I am not entirely prepared for it. TYCHIADES It will make no difference at all if you say little, as long as that little is true. SIMON Come now, first of all, if it please you, let us consider what an art is in general; for in that way we can go on to the individual] arts and see if they truly come under that head.TYCHIADES What on earth is an art, then? Surely you know. SIMON To be sure. TYCHIADES Then do not hesitate to tell, if you do know.
3. Τυχιάδης: ἀλλὰ σὺ μὲν ὅπως χαίρεις καλούμενος, οὐδὲν ἢ μικρόν μοι μέλει· σκοπεῖν δὲ δεῖ καὶ τὴν ἄλλην ἀτοπίαν. Σίμων: τίνα μήν; Τυχιάδης: εἰ καὶ ταύτην ταῖς ἄλλαις τέχναις ἐγκαταλέξομεν, ὥστε ἐπειδὰν πυνθάνηταί τις, ὁποία τις αὕτη τέχνη ἐστί, λέγειν, οἷον γραμματικὴ ἢ ἰατρική, παρασιτική. Σίμων: ἐγὼ μέν, ὦ Τυχιάδη, πολὺ μᾶλλον ταύτην ἤ τινα ἑτέραν τέχνην φαίην ἄν. εἰ δέ σοι φίλον ἀκούειν, καὶ ὅπως οἴομαι λέγοιμι ἄν, καίπερ οὐ παντάπασιν ὤν, ὡς ἔφθην εἰπών, ἐπὶ τοῦτο παρεσκευασμένος. Τυχιάδης: οὐθέν, εἰ καὶ σμικρὰ λέγοις, ἀληθῆ δέ, διοίσει. Σίμων: ἴθι δὴ πρῶτον, εἴ σοι δοκεῖ, περὶ τῆς τέχνης, ἥτις ποτὲ οὖσα τυγχάνει τῷ γένει, σκοπῶμεν· οὑτωσὶ γὰρ ἐπακολουθήσαιμεν ἂν καὶ ταῖς κατʼ εἶδος τέχναις, εἴπερ ἄρα ὀρθῶς μετέχοιεν αὐτῆς. Τυχιάδης: τί ποτʼ οὖν ἐστιν ἡ τέχνη; πάντως ἐπίστασαι. Σίμων: πάνυ μὲν οὖν. Τυχιάδης: μὴ τοίνυν ὄκνει λέγειν αὐτήν, εἴπερ οἶσθα.
4. SIMON An art, I remember to have heard a learned man say, is a complex of knowledges exercised in combination to some end useful to the world. TYCHIADES He was quite right in what he said, and you in your recollection of it. SIMON If Parasitic satisfies this definition completely, what other conclusion could there be than that it is an art? TYCHIADES It would be an art, of course, if it should really be like that. SIMON Now then, let us apply to Parasitic the individual characteristics of an art and see whether it is in harmony with them or whether its theory, like a good-for-nothing pot when you try its ring, sounds cracked. Every art, then, must be a complex of knowledges; and of these, in the case of the para site, first of all there is testing and deciding who would be suitable to support him, and whom he could begin to cultivate without being sorry for it later. Or do we care to maintain that assayers possess an art because they know how to distinguish between coins that are counterfeit and those that are not, but parasites discriminate without art between men that are counterfeit and those that are good, even though men are not distinguishable at once, like coins? Wise Euripides criticizes this very point when he Says:In men, no mark whereby to tell the knaveDid ever yet upon his body grow.This makes the parasite’s art even greater, since it is better than divination at distinguishing and recognising things so obscure and hidden.
4. Σίμων: τέχνη ἐστίν, ὡς ἐγὼ διαμνημονεύω σοφοῦ τινος ἀκούσας, σύστημα ἐκ καταλήψεων συγγεγυμνασμένων πρός τι τέλος εὔχρηστον τῷ βίῳ. Τυχιάδης: ὀρθῶς ἐκεῖνός γε εἰπὼν σύ τε ἀπομνημονεύσας. Σίμων: εἰ δὲ μετέχοι τούτων ἁπάντων ἡ παρασιτική, τί ἂν ἄλλο ἢ καὶ αὐτὴ τέχνη εἴη; Τυχιάδης: τέχνη γάρ, εἴπερ οὕτως ἔχοι. Σίμων: φέρε δὴ καθʼ ἕκαστον τοῖς τῆς τέχνης εἴδεσιν ἐφαρμόζοντες τὴν παρασιτικήν, εἰ συνᾴδει σκοπῶμεν ἢ ὁ περὶ αὐτῆς λόγος, καθάπερ αἱ πονηραὶ χύτραι διακρουόμεναι, σαθρὸν ἀποφθέγγεται. δεῖ τοίνυν πᾶσαν τέχνην σύστημα ἐκ καταλήψεων … πρῶτον μὲν τὸ δοκιμάζειν καὶ διακρίνειν ὅστις ἂν ἐπιτήδειος γένοιτο τρέφειν αὐτόν, καὶ ὅτῳ παρασιτεῖν ἀρξάμενος οὐκ ἂν μεταγνοίη. ἢ τὸν μὲν ἀργυρογνώμονα τέχνην τινὰ φήσομεν ἔχειν, εἴπερ ἐπίσταται διαγιγνώσκειν τά τε κίβδηλα τῶν νομισμάτων καὶ τὰ μή, τοῦτον δὲ ἄνευ τέχνης διακρίνειν τούς τε κιβδήλους τῶν ἀνθρώπων καὶ τοὺς ἀγαθούς, καὶ ταῦτα οὐχ ὥσπερ τῶν νομισμάτων καὶ τῶν ἀνθρώπων φανερῶν εὐθὺς ὄντων; αὐτὰ μέντοι ταῦτα καὶ ὁ σοφὸς Εὐριπίδης καταμέμφεται λέγων·ἀνδρῶν δʼ ὅτῳ χρὴ τὸν κακὸν διειδέναι,οὐδεὶς χαρακτὴρ ἐμπέφυκε σώματι.ᾧ δὴ καὶ μείζων ἡ τοῦ παρασίτου τέχνη, ἥ γε καὶ τὰ οὕτως ἄδηλα καὶ ἀφανῆ μᾶλλον τῆς μαντικῆς γνωρίζει τε καὶ οἶδεν.
5. As for knowing how to talk appropriately and to act in such a way as to become intimate and show himself extremely devoted to his patron, do not you think that this shows intelligence and highlydeveloped knowledge? TYCHIADES Yes, indeed. SIMON And at banquets, to go away with more than anybody else, enjoying greater favour than those who do not possess the same art—-do you think that can be managed without some degree of theory and wisdom?TYCHIADES Not by any means. SIMON What about knowing the merits and defects of bake-stuffs and made dishes? Does that seem to you matter for an untrained man’s bumptious inquisitiveness? Yet excellent Plato says: “When a man is about to partake of a banquet, if he be not versed in the art of cookery, his opinion of the feast in preparation is something deficient in weight.”
5. τὸ δέ γε ἐπίστασθαι λόγους λέγειν ἐπιτηδείους καὶ πράγματα πράττειν διʼ ὧν οἰκειώσεται καὶ εὐνούστατον ἑαυτὸν τῷ τρέφοντι ἀποδείξει, ἆρʼ οὐ συνέσεως καὶ καταλήψεως ἐρρωμένης εἶναί σοι δοκεῖ; Τυχιάδης: καὶ μάλα. Σίμων: τὸ δέ γε ἐν ταῖς ἑστιάσεσιν αὐταῖς ὅπως παντὸς ἀπέλθοι πλέον ἔχων καὶ παρευδοκιμῶν τοὺς μὴ τὴν αὐτὴν αὐτῷ κεκτημένους τέχνην, ἄνευ τινὸς λόγου καὶ σοφίας πράττεσθαι οἴει; Τυχιάδης: οὐδαμῶς. Σίμων: τί δέ, τὸ ἐπίστασθαι τὰς ἀρετὰς καὶ κακίας τῶν σιτίων καὶ τῶν ὄψων πολυπραγμοσύνην ἀτέχνου τινὸς εἶναί σοι δοκεῖ, καὶ ταῦτα τοῦ γενναιοτάτου Πλάτωνος οὑτωσὶ λέγοντος, τοῦ μέλλοντος ἑστιάσεσθαι μὴ μαγειρικοῦ ὄντος, σκευαζομένης θοίνης ἀκυροτέρα ἡ κρίσις;
6. That Parasitic is based not only on knowledge, but on exercised knowledge, you may readily assure yourself from this fact: the knowledges that belong to the other arts often remain unexercised for days and nights and months and years, and yet the arts are not lost to those who possess them; but if the. parasite’s knowledge is not in exercise daily, not only the art, I take it, but the artist himself, is lost thereby!
6. Σίμων: ὅτι γε μὴν οὐκ ἐκ καταλήψεως μόνον, ἀλλὰ συγγεγυμνασμένης ἐστὶν ἡ παρασιτική, μάθοις ἂν ἐνθένδε ῥᾳδίως· αἱ μὲν γὰρ τῶν ἄλλων τεχνῶν καταλήψεις καὶ ἡμέρας καὶ νύκτας καὶ μῆνας καὶ ἐνιαυτοὺς πολλάκις ἀσυγγύμναστοι μένουσιν, καὶ ὅμως οὐκ ἀπόλλυνται παρὰ τοῖς κεκτημένοις αἱ τέχναι, ἡ δὲ τοῦ παρασίτου κατάληψις εἰ μὴ καθʼ ἡμέραν εἴη ἐν γυμνασίᾳ, ἀπόλλυσιν οὐ μόνον, οἶμαι, τὴν τέχνην, ἀλλὰ καὶ αὐτὸν τὸν τεχνίτην.
7. And as to its being “directed to some end. useful to the world,” it would be crazy, don’t you think, to investigate that point. I, for my part, cannot discover that anything in the world is more useful than eating and drinking, and in fact without them it is impossible to live at all! TYCHIADES Quite so.
7. Σίμων: τό γε μὴν πρός τι τέλος εὔχρηστον τῷ βίῳ μὴ καὶ μανίας ᾖ ζητεῖν. ἐγὼ γὰρ τοῦ φαγεῖν καὶ τοῦ πιεῖν οὐδὲν εὐχρηστότερον εὑρίσκω ἐν τῷ βίῳ, ὧν οὐδὲ ζῆν γε ἄνευ ἔστιν. Τυχιάδης: πάνυ μὲν οὖν.
8. SIMON Again, Parasitic is not the same sort of thing as beauty and strength, so as to be considered a gift,. like them, rather than an art.TYCHIADES You are right. SIMON But on the other hand, it is not want of art; for want of art never achieves anything for its possessor. For example, if you should put yourself in command of a ship at sea in a storm without knowing how to steer, should you come safely through? TYCHIADES Not by any means. SIMON How about a man who should take horses in hand without knowing how to drive? TYCHIADES He would not come through, either. SIMON Why, pray, except because he does not possess the art by which he would be able to save himself? TYCHIADES To be sure. SIMON Then the parasite would not be saved by Parasitic if it were want of art? TY CHIADES True. SIMON Then it is art that saves him, and not want of art? TYCHIADES Quite so.SIMON Then Parasitic is an art? TYCHIADES It is, apparently. SIMON I assure you I know of many instances when good helmsmen have been wrecked and expert drivers thrown from their seats, and some had _ broken bones, while others were completely done for; but nobody can cite any such mishap in the case of a parasite. Then if Parasitic is not want of art and not a gift, but a complex of knowledges exercised in combination, evidently we have reached an agreement to-day that it is an art.
8. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν οὐδὲ τοιοῦτόν τί ἐστιν ἡ παρασιτικὴ ὁποῖον τὸ κάλλος καὶ ἡ ἰσχύς, ὥστε τέχνην μὲν μὴ δοκεῖν αὐτήν, δύναμιν δέ τινα τοιαύτην. Τυχιάδης: ἀληθῆ λέγεις. Σίμων: ἀλλὰ μέντοι οὐδὲ ἀτεχνία ἐστίν· ἡ γὰρ ἀτεχνία οὐδέποτε οὐδὲν κατορθοῖ τῷ κεκτημένῳ. φέρε γάρ, εἰ ἐπιτρέψειας σὺ σεαυτῷ ναῦν ἐν θαλάττῃ καὶ χειμῶνι μὴ ἐπιστάμενος κυβερνᾶν, σωθείης ἄν; <Τυχιάδης>: <οὐδαμῶς.> <Σίμων>: <τί δʼ, εἰ ἵππους ἐπιτραφθείη τις μὴ ἐπιστάμενος ἠνιοχεῖν;> Τυχιάδης: οὐδʼ οὗτος. Σίμων: τί δή ποτε, ἢ τῷ μὴ ἔχειν τέχνην, διʼ ἧς δυνήσεται σώζειν ἑαυτόν; Τυχιάδης: καὶ μάλα. Σίμων: οὐκοῦν καὶ παράσιτος ὑπὸ τῆς παρασιτικῆς, εἴπερ ἦν ἀτεχνία, οὐκ ἂν ἐσώζετο; Τυχιάδης: ναί. Σίμων: οὐκοῦν τέχνῃ σώζεται, ἀτεχνίᾳ δὲ οὔ; Τυχιάδης: πάνυ μὲν οὖν. Σίμων: τέχνη ἄρα ἐστὶν ἡ παρασιτική. Τυχιάδης: τέχνη, ὡς ἔοικεν. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν κυβερνήτας μὲν ἀγαθοὺς ναυαγίᾳ περιπεσόντας καὶ ἡνιόχους τεχνίτας ἐκπεσόντας τῶν δίφρων οἶδα ἐγὼ πολλάκις, καὶ τοὺς μὲν συντριβέντας, τοὺς δὲ καὶ πάμπαν διαφθαρέντας, παρασίτου δὲ ναυάγιον οὐδὲ εἷς ἔχοι τοιοῦτον εἰπεῖν. οὐκοῦν εἰ μήτε ἀτεχνία ἐστὶν ἡ παρασιτικὴ μήτε δύναμις, σύστημα δέ τι ἐκ καταλήψεων γεγυμνασμένων, τέχνη δῆλον ὅτι διωμολόγηται ἡμῖν σήμερον.
9. TYCHIADES As far as I can judge from what has been said. But wait a bit: give us a first-class definition of Parasitic. SIMON Right. It seems to me that the definition might best be expressed’ thus: Parasitic is that art which is concerned with food and drink and what must be said and done to obtain them, and its end is pleasure. TYCHIADES That, to my mind, is a tip-top definition of your art; but look out that you do not get into conflict with some of the philosophers over the end.SIMON It will be quite sufficient if I can show that happiness and Parasitic have the same end, and that will be plain from this:
9. Τυχιάδης: ὅσον ἐκ τούτου εἰκάζω· ἀλλʼ ἐκεῖνο, ὅπως καὶ ὅρον ἡμῖν τινα γενναῖον ἀποδῷς τῆς παρασιτικῆς. Σίμων: ὀρθῶς σύ γε λέγων. δοκεῖ γὰρ δή μοι οὕτως ἂν μάλιστα ὡρίσθαι· παρασιτική ἐστιν τέχνη ποτέων καὶ βρωτέων καὶ τῶν διὰ ταῦτα λεκτέων καὶ πρακτέων, τέλος δὲ αὐτῆς τὸ ἡδύ. Τυχιάδης: ὑπέρευγέ μοι δοκεῖς ὁρίσασθαι τὴν σεαυτοῦ τέχνην· ἀλλʼ ἐκεῖνο σκόπει, μὴ πρὸς ἐνίους τῶν φιλοσόφων μάχη σοι περὶ τοῦ τέλους ᾖ. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν ἀπόχρη γε εἴπερ ἔσται τὸ αὐτὸ τέλος εὐδαιμονίας καὶ παρασιτικῆς.
10. wise Homer, admiring the life of a parasite on the ground that it alone is blessed and enviable, says:I for my own part hold that there is no end more delightfulThan when cheerfulness reigneth supreme over all of the people;Banqueters down the long halls give ear to the bard as he singeth,Sitting in regular order, and by each man is a tableLaden with bread and with meat; while the server from out of the great bowlDippeth the mead, and beareth and poureth it into the beakers.And as if this were not enough to express his admiration, he makes his own opinion more evident, rightly saying:—This is a thing that to me in my heart doth seem very goodly.From what he says, he counts nothing else happy but to be a parasite. And it was no ordinary man to whom he ascribed these words, but the wisest of them all. After all, if Odysseus had wished to commend the Stoic end, he could have said so when he brought Philoctetes back from Lemnos, when he sacked Troy, when he checked the Greeks in their flight, when he entered Troy after flogging himself and putting on wretched Stoic rags; but on those occasions he did not call that a more delightful end! Moreover, after he had entered into the Epicurean life once more in Calypso’s isle, when he had it in his power to live in idleness and luxury, to dally with the daughter of Atlas, and to enjoy every pleasurable emotion, even then he did not call that end more delightful, but the life of a parasite, who at that time was called a banqueter. What does he say, then? It is worth while to cite his verses once more, for there is nothing like hearing them said over and over: “banqueters sitting in regular order,” and:by each man is a tableLaden with bread and with meat.
10. Σίμων: φανεῖται δὲ οὕτως· ὁ γὰρ σοφὸς Ὅμηρος τὸν τοῦ παρασίτου βίον θαυμάζων ὡς ἄρα μακάριος καὶ ζηλωτὸς εἴη μόνος, οὕτω φησίν·οὐ γὰρ ἔγωγέ τί φημι τέλος χαριέστερον εἶναι,ἢ ὅτʼ ἂν εὐφροσύνη μὲν ἔχῃ κάτα δῆμον ἅπαντα,δαιτυμόνες δʼ ἀνὰ δώματʼ ἀκουάζωνται ἀοιδοῦἥμενοι ἑξείης, παρὰ δὲ πλήθωσι τράπεζαισίτου καὶ κρειῶν, μέθυ δʼ ἐκ κρητῆρος ἀφύσσωνοἰνοχόος φορέῃσι καὶ ἐγχείῃ δεπάεσσι.καὶ ὡς οὐχ ἱκανῶς ταῦτα θαυμάζων μᾶλλον τὴν αὑτοῦ γνώμην ποιεῖ φανερωτέραν εὖ λέγων· τοῦτό τί μοι κάλλιστον ἐνὶ φρεσὶν εἴδεται εἶναι, οὐχ ἕτερόν τι, ἐξ ὧν φησιν, ἢ τὸ παρασιτεῖν εὔδαιμον νομίζων. καὶ μὴν οὐδὲ τῷ τυχόντι ἀνδρὶ περιτέθεικε τούτους τοὺς λόγους, ἀλλὰ τῷ σοφωτάτῳ τῶν ὅλων. καίτοι γε εἴπερ ἐβούλετο Ὀδυσσεὺς τὸ κατὰ τοὺς Στωϊκοὺς ἐπαινεῖν τέλος, ἐδύνατο ταυτὶ λέγειν ὅτε τὸν Φιλοκτήτην ἀνήγαγεν ἐκ τῆς Λήμνου, ὅτε τὸ Ἴλιον ἐξεπόρθησεν, ὅτε τοὺς Ἕλληνας φεύγοντας κατέσχεν, ὅτε εἰς Τροίαν εἰσῆλθεν ἑαυτὸν μαστιγώσας καὶ κακὰ καὶ Στωϊκὰ ῥάκη ἐνδύς· ἀλλὰ τότε οὐκ εἶπε τοῦτο τέλος χαριέστερον. ἀλλὰ μὴν καὶ ἐν τῷ τῶν Ἐπικουρείων βίῳ γενόμενος αὖθις παρὰ τῇ Καλυψοῖ, ὅτε αὐτῷ ὑπῆρχεν ἐν ἀργίᾳ τε βιοτεύειν καὶ τρυφᾶν καὶ βινεῖν τὴν Ἄτλαντος θυγατέρα καὶ κινεῖν πάσας τὰς λείας κινήσεις, οὐδὲ τότε εἶπε τοῦτο τὸ τέλος χαριέστερον, ἀλλὰ τὸν τῶν παρασίτων βίον. ἐκαλοῦντο δὲ δαιτυμόνες οἱ παράσιτοι τότε. πῶς οὖν λέγει; πάλιν γὰρ ἄξιον ἀναμνησθῆναι τῶν ἐπῶν· οὐδὲν γὰρ οἷον ἀκούειν αὐτῶν πολλάκις λεγομένων· δαιτυμόνες καθήμενοι ἑξείης· καί·παρὰ δὲ πλήθωσι τράπεζαισίτου καὶ κρειῶν.
11. As to Epicurus, quite shamelessly filching the end of Parasitic, he makes it the end of his conception of happiness. That the thing is plagiarism, and that pleasure does not concern Epicurus at all, but does concern the parasite, you can assure yourself from this line of reasoning. I for'my part consider that pleasure is first of all the freedom of the flesh from discomfort, and secondly, not having the spirit full of turbulence and commotion. Now then, each of these things is attained by the parasite, but neither by Epicurus. For with his inquiries about the shape of the earth, the infinitude of the universe, the magnitude of the sun, distances in space, primal elements, and whether the gods exist or not, and with his continual strife and bickering with certain persons about the end itself, he is involved not only in the troubles of man but in those of the universe. The parasite, however, thinking that everything is all right and thoroughly convinced it would not be any better if it were other than as it is, eats and sleeps in great peace and comfort, with nothing of that sort annoying him, flat on his back, with his arms and legs flung out, like Odysseus sailing home from Scheria.
11. Σίμων: ὅ γε μὴν Ἐπίκουρος σφόδρα ἀναισχύντως ὑφελόμενος τὸ τῆς παρασιτικῆς τέλος τῆς καθʼ αὑτὸν εὐδαιμονίας τέλος αὐτὸ ποιεῖ. καὶ ὅτι κλοπὴ τὸ πρᾶγμά ἐστιν καὶ οὐδὲν Ἐπικούρῳ μέλει τὸ ἡδύ, ἀλλὰ τῷ παρασίτῳ, οὕτω μάθοις ἄν. ἔγωγε ἡγοῦμαι τὸ ἡδὺ πρῶτον μὲν τὸ τῆς σαρκὸς ἀόχλητον, ἔπειτα τὸ μὴ θορύβου καὶ ταραχῆς τὴν ψυχὴν ἐμπεπλῆσθαι. τούτων τοίνυν ὁ μὲν παράσιτος ἑκατέρων τυγχάνει, ὁ δὲ Ἐπίκουρος οὐδὲ θατέρου· ὁ γὰρ ζητῶν περὶ σχήματος γῆς καὶ κόσμων ἀπειρίας καὶ μεγέθους ἡλίου καὶ ἀποστημάτων καὶ πρώτων στοιχείων καὶ περὶ θεῶν, εἴτε εἰσὶν εἴτε οὐκ εἰσί, καὶ περὶ αὐτοῦ τοῦ τέλους ἀεὶ πολεμῶν καὶ διαφερόμενος πρός τινας οὐ μόνον ἐν ἀνθρωπίναις, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἐν κοσμικαῖς ἐστιν ὀχλήσεσιν. ὁ δὲ παράσιτος πάντα καλῶς ἔχειν οἰόμενος καὶ πεπιστευκὼς μὴ ἄλλως ταῦτα ἔχειν ἄμεινον ἢ ἔχει, μετὰ πολλῆς ἀδείας καὶ γαλήνης, οὐδενὸς αὐτῷ τοιούτου παρενοχλοῦντος, ἐσθίει καὶ κοιμᾶται ὕπτιος ἀφεικὼς τοὺς πόδας καὶ τὰς χεῖρας ὥσπερ Ὀδυσσεὺς τῆς Σχερίας ἀποπλέων οἴκαδε.
12. Again, it is not only in this way that pleasure is foreign to Kpicurus, but in another way. This Epicurus, whoever the learned gentleman is, either has or has not his daily bread. Now if he has not, it is not a question of living a life of pleasure; he will not even live! But if he has, he gets it either from his own larder or that of someone else. Now if he gets his daily bread from someone else, he is a parasite and not what he calls himself; but if he gets it from his own larder, he will not lead a life of pleasure. TYCHIADES Why not? SIMON If he gets his daily bread from his own larder, many are the unpleasantnesses which must needs attend such a life, Tychiades! Just see how many! A man who intends to shape his life by pleasure should satisfy all the desires that arise in him. What do you say to that? TYCHIADES I agree with you. SIMON Therefore the man of vast means no doubt has the opportunity of doing so, while the man of little or no means has not; consequently a poor man cannot become an adept or attain the end, that is to say, pleasure. Even the rich man, however,. who through his wealth ministers lavishly to his © desires, cannot attain that. Why? Because quite inevitably, when a man spends his money, he becomes involved in many an unpleasantness, at one moment quarrelling with his cook for preparing the meat badly—or else if he does not quarrel, eating poor food on that account and coming short of his pleasure—and the next moment quarrelling with the man who manages his household affairs, if he does not manage them well. Is not that so? TYCHIADES Yes, by Zeus, I agree with you. SIMON Now Epicurus is likely to have all this happen to him, so that he will never reach the end. But the parasite has no cook with whom to lose his temper, nor lands nor house nor money over the loss of which to be vexed, so that he alone can eat and drink without being annoyed by any of the matters which inevitably annoy the rich.
12. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν οὐχὶ κατὰ ταῦτα μόνον οὐδὲν προσήκει τὸ ἡδὺ τῷ Ἐπικούρῳ, ἀλλὰ καὶ κατʼ ἐκεῖνα· ὁ γὰρ Ἐπίκουρος οὗτος, ὅστις ποτέ ἐστιν ὁ σοφός, ἤτοι φαγεῖν ἔχει ἢ οὔ· εἰ μὲν οὐκ ἔχει, οὐχ ὅπως ἡδέως ζήσεται, ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ ζήσεται· εἰ δὲ ἔχει, εἴτε παρʼ ἑαυτοῦ εἴτε παρʼ ἄλλου· εἰ μὲν οὖν παρʼ ἄλλου τὸ φαγεῖν ἔχοι, παράσιτός ἐστι καὶ οὐχ ὃς λέγει· εἰ δὲ παρʼ ἑαυτοῦ, οὐχ ἡδέως ζήσεται. Τυχιάδης: πῶς οὐχ ἡδέως; Σίμων: εἰ γὰρ ἔχοι τὸ φαγεῖν παρʼ ἑαυτοῦ, πολλά τοι, ὦ Τυχιάδη, τὰ ἀηδέα τῷ τοιούτῳ βίῳ παρακολουθεῖν ἀνάγκη· καὶ ἄθρει πόσα. δεῖ τὸν μέλλοντα βιώσεσθαι καθʼ ἡδονὴν τὰς ἐγγιγνομένας ὀρέξεις ἁπάσας ἀναπληροῦν. ἢ τί φής; Τυχιάδης: κἀμοὶ δοκεῖ. Σίμων: οὐκοῦν τῷ μὲν συχνὰ κεκτημένῳ ἴσως τοῦτο παρέχει, τῷ δὲ ὀλίγα καὶ μηδὲν οὐκέτι· ὥστε πένης οὐκ ἂν σοφὸς γένοιτο οὐδὲ ἐφίκοιτο τοῦ τέλους, λέγω δὴ τοῦ ἡδέος. ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ μὴν ὁ πλούσιος, ὁ παρὰ τῆς οὐσίας ἀφθόνως ταῖς ἐπιθυμίαις χορηγῶν, δυνήσεται τοῦδε ἐφικέσθαι. τί δή ποτε; ὅτι πᾶσα ἀνάγκη τὸν ἀναλίσκοντα τὰ ἑαυτοῦ πολλαῖς περιπίπτειν ἀηδίαις, τοῦτο μὲν τῷ μαγείρῳ κακῶς σκευάσαντι τὸ ὄψον μαχόμενον ἢ εἰ μὴ μάχοιτο φαῦλα παρὰ τοῦτο ἐσθίοντα τὰ ὄψα καὶ τοῦ ἡδέος ὑστεροῦντα, τοῦτο δὲ τῷ οἰκονομοῦντι τὰ κατὰ τὴν οἰκίαν, εἰ μὴ καλῶς οἰκονομοίη, μαχόμενον. ἢ οὐχ οὕτως; Τυχιάδης: νὴ Δία, κἀμοὶ δοκεῖ. Σίμων: τῷ μὲν οὖν Ἐπικούρῳ πάντα συμβαίνειν εἰκός, ὥστε οὐδέποτε τεύξεται τοῦ τέλους· τῷ δὲ παρασίτῳ οὔτε μάγειρός ἐστιν ᾧ χαλεπήναι, οὔτε ἀγρὸς οὔτε οἶκος οὔτε ἀργύρια, ὑπὲρ ὧν ἀπολλυμένων ἀχθεσθείη, ὥστε καὶ φάγοι καὶ πίοι μόνος οὗτος ὑπὸ μηδενός, ὧν ἐκείνους ἀνάγκη, ἐνοχλούμενος.
13. That Parasitic is an art has been well enough demonstrated by means of this argument and the others. It remains to show that it is the best art, and not simply this, but first that it excels all the other arts put together, and then that it excels each of them individually. It excels all put together for this reason. Every art has to be prefaced by study, hardships, fear and floggings, from which everyone would pray to be delivered. But this art alone, it seems, can be learned without hardships. Who ever went home from a dinner in tears, as we see.some going home from their schools? Who ever set out for a dinner looking gloomy, like those who go to school? I promise you, the parasite goes to dinner of his own accord, with a right good will to exercise his art, while those who are learning the other arts hate them so much that some run away from home on account of them! Again, should you not note that when pupils make progress in those arts, their fathers and mothers give them as special rewards what they give the parasite every day? ‘“By Zeus, the boy has written nicely,” they say; “give him something to eat!”’ “He has not written correctly; don’t give him anything!” So highly is the thing esteemed, both as a reward and by way of punishment.
13. Σίμων: ἀλλʼ ὅτι μὲν τέχνη ἐστὶν ἡ παρασιτική, κἀκ τούτων καὶ τῶν ἄλλων ἱκανῶς δέδεικται. λοιπὸν ὅτι καὶ ἀρίστη δεικτέον, καὶ τοῦτο οὐχ ἁπλῶς, ἀλλὰ πρῶτον μέν, ὅτι κοινῇ πασῶν διαφέρει τῶν τεχνῶν, εἶτα ὅτι καὶ ἰδίᾳ ἑκάστης. κοινῇ μὲν οὖν ἁπασῶν οὕτω διαφέρει· πάσης γὰρ τέχνης ἀνάγκη προάγειν μάθησιν πόνον φόβον πληγάς, ἅπερ οὐκ ἔστιν ὅστις οὐκ ἂν ἀπεύξαιτο· ταύτην δὲ τὴν τέχνην, ὡς ἔοικεν, μόνην ἔξεστι μαθεῖν ἄνευ πόνου. τίς γὰρ ἀπὸ δείπνου ποτὲ ἀπῆλθεν κλαίων, ὥσπερ τινὰς ἐκ τῶν διδασκάλων ὁρῶμεν, τίς δʼ ἐπὶ δεῖπνον ἀπιὼν ὤφθη σκυθρωπός, ὥσπερ οἱ εἰς διδασκαλεῖα φοιτῶντες; καὶ μὴν ὁ μὲν παράσιτος ἑκὼν αὐτὸς ἐπὶ δεῖπνον ἔρχεται μάλα ἐπιθυμῶν τῆς τέχνης, οἱ δὲ τὰς ἄλλας τέχνας μανθάνοντες μισοῦσιν αὐτάς, ὥστε ἔνιοι διʼ αὐτὰς ἀποδιδράσκουσι. τί δέ, οὐ κἀκεῖνο ἐννοῆσαί σε δεῖ, ὅτι καὶ τοὺς ἐν ἐκείναις ταῖς τέχναις προκόπτοντας οἱ πατέρες καὶ μητέρες τούτοις τιμῶσι μάλιστα, οἷς καθʼ ἡμέραν καὶ τὸν παράσιτον, καλῶς νὴ Δία ἔγραψεν ὁ παῖς, λέγοντες, δότε αὐτῷ φαγεῖν οὐκ ἔγραψεν ὀρθῶς, μὴ δότε; οὕτω τὸ πρᾶγμα καὶ ἔντιμον καὶ ἐν τιμωρίᾳ μέγα φαίνεται.
14. Again, the other arts attain to this end late, reaping their harvest of pleasure only after their apprenticeship; for “the road to them leadeth uphill’ and is long. Parasitic alone of them all derives profit from the art immediately, in the apprenticeship itself, and no sooner does it begin than it is at its end. Moreover, the other arts, not merely in certain cases but in every case, have come into existence to provide support and nothing else, while the parasite has his support immediately, as soon as he enters upon his art. Do not you see that while the farmer does not farm for the sake of farming, nor the builder build for the sake of building, the parasite does not aim at something different; his work and its object are one and the same thing.
14. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν αἱ ἄλλαι τέχναι τὸ τέλος ὕστερον τοῦτο ἔχουσι, μετὰ τὸ μαθεῖν καὶ τοὺς καρποὺς ἡδέως ἀπολαμβάνουσαι· πολλὴ γὰρ καὶ ὄρθιος οἶμος ἐς αὐτάς· ἡ δὲ παρασιτικὴ μόνη τῶν ἄλλων εὐθὺς ἀπολαύει τῆς τέχνης ἐν αὐτῷ τῷ μανθάνειν, καὶ ἅμα τε ἄρχεται καὶ ἐν τῷ τέλει ἐστίν. καὶ μέντοι τῶν ἄλλων τεχνῶν οὐ τινές, ἀλλὰ πᾶσαι ἐπὶ μόνην τὴν τροφὴν γεγόνασιν, ὁ δὲ παράσιτος εὐθὺς ἔχει τὴν τροφὴν ἅμα τῷ ἄρξασθαι τῆς τέχνης. ἢ οὐκ ἐννοεῖς ὅτι ὁ μὲν γεωργὸς γεωργεῖ οὐ τοῦ γεωργεῖν ἕνεκα καὶ ὁ τέκτων τεκταίνεται οὐχὶ τοῦ τεκταίνεσθαι ἕνεκα, ὁ δὲ παράσιτος οὐχ ἕτερον μέν τι διώκει, ἀλλὰ τὸ αὐτὸ καὶ ἔργον μὲν ἐστὶν αὐτοῦ καὶ οὗ ἕνεκα γίγνεται;
15. Everybody knows, too, that those who ply the rest of the arts drudge all the time except one or two days a month which they celebrate as holidays, and are said to have their good time then. But the parasite celebrates thirty holidays a month, for he thinks that every day belongs to the gods.
15. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν ἐκεῖνά γε οὐδείς ἐστιν ὅστις οὐκ ἐπίσταται, ὅτι οἱ μὲν τὰς λοιπὰς τέχνας ἐργαζόμενοι τὸν μὲν ἄλλον χρόνον ταλαιπωροῦσι, μίαν δὲ ἢ δύο μόνας τοῦ μηνὸς ἡμέρας ἱερὰς ἄγουσι, καὶ εὐφραίνεσθαι λέγονται τότε· ὁ δὲ παράσιτος τοῦ μηνὸς τὰς τριάκονθʼ ἡμέρας ἱερὰς ἄγει· πᾶσαι γὰρ αὐτῷ δοκοῦσιν εἶναι τῶν θεῶν.
16. Furthermore, those who wish to be successful in the other arts eat little and drink little, like invalids, and it is impossible to learn them while one is rejoicing the inner man with plenty of food and plenty of wine.
16. Σίμων: ἔτι οἱ μὲν βουλόμενοι τὰς ἄλλας τέχνας κατορθοῦν ὀλιγοσιτίαις καὶ ὀλιγοποσίαις χρῶνται καθάπερ οἱ νοσοῦντες, πολυποσίαις δὲ καὶ πολυσιτίαις οὐκ ἔστιν εὐφραινόμενον μανθάνειν.
17. The other arts, moreover, cannot be of use to their possessor without tools, for it is impossible to pipe without a pipe or to strum without a lyre or to ride without a horse; but this one is so genial and presents so little difficulty to the artisan that even one who has no tools can follow it.
17. Σίμων: καὶ αἱ μὲν ἄλλαι τέχναι χωρὶς ὀργάνων οὐδαμῶς τῷ κεκτημένῳ ὑπηρετεῖν δύνανται· οὔτε γὰρ αὐλεῖν ἔνι χωρὶς αὐλῶν οὔτε ψάλλειν ἄνευ λύρας οὔτε ἱππεύειν ἄνευ ἵππου· αὕτη δὲ οὕτως ἐστὶν ἀγαθὴ καὶ οὐ βαρεῖα τῷ τεχνίτῃ, ὥστε ὑπάρχει καὶ μηδὲν ἔχοντι ὅπλον χρῆσθαι αὐτῇ.
18. And we pay, it is likely, for our lessons in the other arts, but get paid in this one. Besides, the other arts have teachers, but Parasitic has none; like the Art of Poetry according to the definition of Socrates, it comes by some divine dispensation.
18. Σίμων: καὶ ὡς ἔοικεν ἄλλας τέχνας μανθάνομεν μισθὸν διδόντες, ταύτην δὲ λαμβάνοντες. ἔτι τῶν μὲν ἄλλων τεχνῶν εἰσι διδάσκαλοί τινες, Σίμων: τῆς δὲ παρασιτικῆς οὐδείς, ἀλλʼ ὥσπερ ἡ ποιητικὴ κατὰ Σωκράτη καὶ αὕτη τινὶ θείᾳ μοίρᾳ παραγίγνεται.
20. Reflect, too, that we cannot exercise the other arts while on a journey or a voyage, but this one can be plied both on the road and at sea.
20. Σίμων: κἀκεῖνο δὲ σκόπει, ὅτι τὰς μὲν ἄλλας τέχνας ὁδεύοντες ἢ πλέοντες οὐ δυνάμεθα διαπράττεσθαι, ταύτῃ δέ ἐστι χρῆσθαι καὶ ἐν ὁδῷ καὶ πλέοντι.
21. TYCHIADES Quite true. SIMON Moreover, Tychiades, it seems to me that the other arts stand in need of this one, but this one does not stand in need of any other.TYCHIADES But, I say, don’t you think that people who take what belongs to someone else do wrong? SIMON Certainly. TYCHIADES How is it, then, that the parasite is the only one that does not do wrong in taking what belongs to someone else?
21. Τυχιάδης: πάνυ μὲν οὖν. Σίμων: καὶ μέντοι, ὦ Τυχιάδη, αἱ μὲν ἄλλαι τέχναι δοκοῦσί μοι ταύτης ἐπιθυμεῖν, αὕτη δὲ οὐδεμιᾶς ἑτέρας. Τυχιάδης: τί δέ, οὐχ οἱ τὰ ἀλλότρια λαμβάνοντες ἀδικεῖν σοι δοκοῦσι; Σίμων: πῶς γὰρ οὔ; Τυχιάδης: πῶς οὖν ὁ παράσιτος τὰ ἀλλότρια λαμβάνων οὐκ ἀδικεῖ μόνος;
22. SIMON I can’t say! — Again, in the other arts the first steps are shabby and insignificant, but in Parasitic the first step is a very fine one, for friendship, that oft-lauded word, is nothing else, you will find, than the first step in Parasitic. TYCHIADES What do you mean? SIMON That nobody invites an enemy or an unknown person to dinner; not even a slight acquaintance. A man must first, I take it, become a friend in order to share another's bow] and board, and the mystic rites of this art. Anyhow, I have often heard people say: “How much of a friend is he, when he has neither eaten nor drunk with us?”’ That is of course because they think that only one who has shared their meat and drink is a trusty friend.
22. Σίμων: οὐκ ἔχω λέγειν. καὶ μὴν τῶν ἄλλων τεχνῶν αἱ ἀρχαὶ φαῦλαί τινες καὶ εὐτελεῖς εἰσι, τῆς δὲ παρασιτικῆς ἀρχὴ πάνυ γενναία τις· τὸ γὰρ θρυλούμενον τοῦτο τῆς φιλίας ὄνομα οὐκ ἂν ἄλλο τι εὕροις ἢ ἀρχὴν παρασιτικῆς. Τυχιάδης: πῶς λέγεις; Σίμων: ὅτι οὐδεὶς ἐχθρὸν ἢ ἀγνῶτα ἄνθρωπον ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ συνήθη μετρίως ἐπὶ δεῖπνον καλεῖ, ἀλλὰ δεῖ πρότερον οἶμαι τοῦτον γενέσθαι φίλον, ἵνα κοινωνήσῃ σπονδῶν καὶ τραπέζης καὶ τῶν τῆς τέχνης ταύτης μυστηρίων. ἐγὼ γοῦν πολλάκις ἤκουσά τινων λεγόντων, ποταπὸς δὲ οὗτος φίλος ὅστις οὔτε βέβρωκεν οὔτε πέπωκεν μεθʼ ἡμῶν, δῆλον ὅτι τὸν συμπίνοντα καὶ συνεσθίοντα μόνον πιστὸν φίλον ἡγουμένων.
23. That in truth it is the most royal of the arts, you can infer from this fact above all: men work at the rest of them not only with discomfort and sweat but actually sitting or standing, just as if they were slaves to the arts, while the parasite plies his art lying down, like a king!
23. Σίμων: ὅτι γε μὴν ἡ βασιλικωτάτη τῶν τεχνῶν ἔστιν αὕτη, μάθοις ἂν καὶ ἐκ τοῦδε οὐχ ἥκιστα· τὰς μὲν γὰρ λοιπὰς τέχνας οὐ μόνον κακοπαθοῦντες καὶ ἱδροῦντες, ἀλλὰ νὴ Δία καθήμενοι καὶ ἑστῶτες ἐργάζονται ὥσπερ ἀμέλει δοῦλοι τῶν τεχνῶν, ὁ δὲ παράσιτος μεταχειρίζεται τὴν αὑτοῦ τέχνην ὡς βασιλεὺς κατακείμενος.
24. What need is there, in speaking of his felicity, to mention that he alone, according to wise Homer, “neither planteth a plant with his hands nor plougheth, but all, without sowing or ploughing,” supply him with pasture?
24. Σίμων: ἐκεῖνα μὲν γὰρ τί δεῖ λέγειν περὶ τῆς εὐδαιμονίας αὐτοῦ, ὅτι δὴ μόνος κατὰ τὸν σοφὸν Ὅμηρον οὔτε φυτεύει χερσὶ φυτὸν οὔτε ἀροῖ, ἀλλὰ τά γ' ἄσπαρτα καὶ ἀνήροτα πάντα νέμεται;
25. Again, there is nothing to hinder a rhetorician or a geometer or a blacksmith from working at his trade whether he is a knave or a fool, but nobody can be a parasite who is either a knave or a fool. TYCHIADES Goodness! What a fine thing you make out Parasitic to be! I myself already want to be a parasite, I think, rather than what I am.
25. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν ῥήτορά τε καὶ γεωμέτρην καὶ χαλκέα οὐδὲν κωλύει τὴν ἑαυτοῦ τέχνην ἐργάζεσθαι ἐάν τε πονηρὸς ἐάν τε καὶ μωρὸς ᾖ, παρασιτεῖν δὲ οὐδεὶς δύναται ἢ μωρὸς ὢν ἢ πονηρός. Τυχιάδης: παπαί, οἷον χρῆμα ἀποφαίνῃ τὴν παρασιτικήν· ὥστε καὶ αὐτὸς ἤδη βούλεσθαι δοκῶ μοι παράσιτος εἶναι ἀντὶ τούτου ὅς εἰμι.
26. SIMON Well, that it excels all put together, I think I have demonstrated. Come now, let us see how it excels each individually. To compare it with the vulgar arts is silly, and, in a way, more appropriate to someone who is trying to belittle its dignity. We must prove that it excels the finest and greatest of them. It is universally admitted that rhetoric and philosophy, which some people even make out to be sciences because of their nobility, are the greatest. Therefore, if I should prove that Parasitic is far superior to these, obviously it will appear preeminent among the other arts, like Nausicaa among her handmaidens.
26. Σίμων: ὡς μὲν τοίνυν κοινῇ πασῶν διαφέρει, δεδεῖχθαί μοι δοκῶ. φέρε δὴ ὡς καὶ κατʼ ἰδίαν ἑκάστης διαφέρει σκοπῶμεν. τὸ μὲν δὴ ταῖς βαναύσοις τέχναις παραβάλλειν αὐτὴν ἀνόητόν ἐστιν, καὶ μᾶλλόν πως καθαιροῦντος τὸ ἀξίωμα τῆς τέχνης. ὅτι γε μὴν τῶν καλλίστων καὶ μεγίστων τεχνῶν διαφέρει δεικτέον. ὡμολόγηται δὴ πρὸς πάντων τήν τε ῥητορικὴν καὶ τὴν φιλοσοφίαν, ἃς διὰ γενναιότητα καὶ ἐπιστήμας ἀποφαίνονταί τινες, … ἐπειδὰν καὶ τούτων ἀποδείξαιμι τὴν παρασιτικὴν πολὺ κρατοῦσαν, δῆλον ὅτι τῶν ἄλλων τεχνῶν δόξει προφερεστάτη καθάπερ ἡ Ναυσικάα τῶν θεραπαινίδων.
27. It excels both rhetoric and philosophy, in the first place in its objective reality; for it has this, and they have not. We do not hold one and the same view about rhetoric; some of us call it an art, some a want of art, others a depraved art, and others something else. So too with philosophy, which is not uniform and consistent; for Epicurus has on opinion about things, the Stoics another, the Academics another, the Peripatetics another; in brief, everybody claims that philosophy is something different, and up to now, at all events, it cannot be said either that the same men control opinion or that their art is one. By this it is clear what conclusion remains to be drawn. I maintain that there can be no art at all which has not objective reality. For how else can you explain it that arithmetic is one and the same, and twice two is four not only here but in Persia, and all its doctrines are in tune not only in Greece but in strange lands, yet we see many different philosophies, all of them out of tune both in their beginnings and in their ends? TYCHIADES You are right: they say philosophy is one, but they themselves make it many.
27. Σίμων: κοινῇ μὲν οὖν ἀμφοῖν διαφέρει καὶ τῆς ῥητορικῆς καὶ τῆς φιλοσοφίας, πρῶτον κατὰ τὴν ὑπόστασιν· ἡ μὲν γὰρ ὑφέστηκεν, αἱ δὲ οὔ. οὔτε γὰρ τὴν ῥητορικὴν ἕν τι καὶ τὸ αὐτὸ νομίζομεν, ἀλλʼ οἱ μὲν τέχνην, οἱ δὲ τοὐναντίον ἀτεχνίαν, ἄλλοι δὲ κακοτεχνίαν, ἄλλοι δὲ ἄλλο τι. ὁμοίως δὲ καὶ τὴν φιλοσοφίαν οὐ κατὰ τὰ αὐτὰ καὶ ὡσαύτως ἔχουσαν, ἑτέρως μὲν γὰρ Ἐπικούρῳ δοκεῖ τὰ πράγματα ἔχειν, ἑτέρως δὲ τοῖς ἀπὸ τῆς Στοᾶς, ἑτέρως δὲ τοῖς ἀπὸ τῆς Ἀκαδημίας, ἑτέρως δὲ τοῖς ἀπὸ τοῦ Περιπάτου, καὶ ἁπλῶς ἄλλος ἄλλην ἀξιοῖ τὴν φιλοσοφίαν εἶναι· καὶ μέχρι γε νῦν οὔτε οἱ αὐτοὶ γνώμης κρατοῦσιν οὔτε αὐτῶν ἡ τέχνη μία φαίνεται. ἐξ ὧν δῆλον ὅ τι τεκμαίρεσθαι καταλείπεται. ἀρχὴν γάρ φημι μηδὲ εἶναι τέχνην ἧς οὐκ ἔστιν ὑπόστασις. ἐπεὶ τί δή ποτε ἀριθμητικὴ μὲν μία ἐστὶ καὶ ἡ αὐτὴ καὶ δὶς δύο παρά τε ἡμῖν καὶ παρὰ Πέρσαις τέσσαρά ἐστιν καὶ συμφωνεῖ ταῦτα καὶ παρὰ Ἕλλησι καὶ βαρβάροις, φιλοσοφίας δὲ πολλὰς καὶ διαφόρους ὁρῶμεν καὶ οὔτε τὰς ἀρχὰς οὔτε τὰ τέλη σύμφωνα πασῶν; Τυχιάδης: ἀληθῆ λέγεις· μίαν μὲν γὰρ τὴν φιλοσοφίαν εἶναι λέγουσιν, αὐτοὶ δὲ αὐτὴν ποιοῦσι πολλάς.
28. SIMON As far as the other arts are concerned, if there should be some discord in them, one might pass it over, thinking it excusable, since they are subordinate and their knowledges are not exempt from change. But who could endure that philosophy should not be one, and in better tune with itself than a musical instrument? Well now, philosophy is not one, for I see that it is infinitely many; yet it cannot be many, for wisdom is one.
28. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν καὶ τὰς μὲν ἄλλας τέχνας, εἰ καί τι κατὰ ταύτας ἀσύμφωνον εἴη, κἂν παρέλθοι τις συγγνώμης ἀξιώσας, ἐπεὶ μέσαι τε δοκοῦσι καὶ αἱ καταλήψεις αὐτῶν οὐκ εἰσὶν ἀμετάπτωτοι. φιλοσοφίαν δὲ τίς ἂν καὶ ἀνάσχοιτο μὴ μίαν εἶναι καὶ μηδὲ σύμφωνον αὐτὴν ἑαυτῇ μᾶλλον τῶν ὀργάνων; μία μὲν οὖν οὐκ ἔστι φιλοσοφία, ἐπειδὴ ὁρῶ καὶ ἄπειρον οὖσαν· πολλαὶ δὲ οὐ δύνανται εἶναι, ἐπειδήπερ ἡ σοφία μία.
29. The same can be said, too, of the objective reality of rhetoric. When all do not express the same views about one subject, but there is a battle royal of contradictory declarations, that is the greatest proot that the subject of which there is not a single definite conception does not exist at all; for to enquire whether it is this rather than that, and never to agree that it is one, does away with the very existence of the subject that is questioned.
29. Σίμων: ὁμοίως δὲ καὶ περὶ τῆς ὑποστάσεως τῆς ῥητορικῆς ταὐτὰ φαίη τις ἄν· τὸ γὰρ περὶ ἑνὸς προκειμένου ταὐτὰ μὴ λέγειν ἅπαντας, ἀλλὰ μάχην εἶναι φορᾶς ἀντιδόξου, ἀπόδειξις μεγίστη τοῦ μηδὲ ἀρχὴν εἶναι τοῦτο οὗ μία κατάληψις οὐκ ἔστιν· τὸ γὰρ ζητεῖν τό, τί μᾶλλον αὐτό ἐστιν, καὶ τὸ μηδέποτε ὁμολογεῖν ἓν εἶναι, τοῦτο αὐτὴν ἀναιρεῖ τοῦ ζητουμένου τὴν οὐσίαν.
30. This is not the case, however, with Parasitic. Both among Greeks and among foreigners it is one and uniform and consistent, and nobody can say that it is practised in one way by this set of men and in another by that set. Nor are there, it seems, among parasites any sects like the Stoics or the Epicureans, holding different doctrines; no, there is concord among them all, and agreement in their works and in their end. So to my thinking Parasitic may well be, in this respect at least, actually wisdom.
30. Σίμων: ἡ μέντοι παρασιτικὴ οὐχ οὕτως ἔχει, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἐν Ἕλλησι καὶ βαρβάροις μία ἐστὶν καὶ κατὰ ταὐτὰ καὶ ὡσαύτως, καὶ οὐκ ἂν εἴποι τις ἄλλως μὲν τούσδε, ἑτέρως δὲ τούσδε παρασιτεῖν, οὐδέ εἰσιν ὡς ἔοικεν ἐν παρασίτοις τινες οἷον Στωϊκοὶ ἢ Ἐπικούρειοι δόγματα ἔχοντες διάφορα, ἀλλὰ πᾶσι πρὸς ἅπαντας ὁμολογία τίς ἐστιν καὶ συμφωνία τῶν ἔργων καὶ τοῦ τέλους. ὥστε ἔμοιγε δοκεῖ ἡ παρασιτικὴ κινδυνεύειν κατά γε τοῦτο καὶ σοφία εἶναι.
31. TYCHIADES It seems to me that you have put al] this very well. But how do you prove that philosophy is inferior to your art in other ways? SIMON Well, it must first be mentioned that no parasite ever fell in love with philosophy; but it is on record that philosophersin great number have been fond of Parasitic, and even to-day they love it! TYCHIADES Why, what philosophers can you mention that have been eager to play parasite? SIMON What philosophers, Tychiades? Though you know them yourself, you pretend not to, and try to pull the wool over my eyes, as if it brought them disgrace instead of honour! TYCHIADES No, by Zeus, Simon; I am very much at a loss as to whom you can find to mention. SIMON My dear fellow, you seem to be unfamiliar with their biographers, as otherwise you would certainly be able to recognize whom I mean. TYCHIADES Well, anyhow, by Heracles, I long to find out now who they are. SIMON I shall give you a list of them, and they are not the riff-raff, but in my opinion the best, and those whom you would least expect.
31. Τυχιάδης: πάνυ μοι δοκεῖς ἱκανῶς ταῦτα εἰρηκέναι. ὡς δὲ καὶ τὰ ἄλλα χείρων ἐστὶν ἡ φιλοσοφία τῆς σῆς τέχνης, πῶς ἀποδεικνύεις; Σίμων: οὐκοῦν ἀνάγκη πρῶτον εἰπεῖν ὅτι φιλοσοφίας μὲν οὐδέποτε ἠράσθη παράσιτος, παρασιτικῆς δὲ πάμπολλοι ἐπιθυμήσαντες μνημονεύονται φιλόσοφοι, καὶ μέχρι γε νῦν ἐρῶσιν. Τυχιάδης: καὶ τίνας ἂν ἔχοις εἰπεῖν φιλοσόφους παρασιτεῖν σπουδάσαντας; Σίμων: οὕστινας μέντοι, ὦ Τυχιάδη; οὓς καὶ σὺ γιγνώσκων ὑποκρίνῃ ἀγνοεῖν κἀμὲ κατασοφίζῃ ὥς τινος αὐτοῖς αἰσχύνης ἐντεῦθεν γιγνομένης, οὐχὶ τιμῆς. Τυχιάδης: οὐ μὰ τὸν Δία, ὦ Σίμων, ἀλλὰ καὶ σφόδρα ἀπορῶ οὕστινας καὶ εὕροις εἰπεῖν. Σίμων: ὦ γενναῖε, σύ μοι δοκεῖς ἀνήκοος εἶναι καὶ τῶν ἀναγραψάντων τοὺς ἐκείνων βίους, ἐπεὶ πάντως ἂν καὶ ἐπιγνῶναι οὕστινας λέγω δύναιο. Τυχιάδης: καὶ μέντοι νὴ τὸν Ἡρακλέα ποθῶ δὴ ἀκούειν τίνες εἰσίν.
32. Aeschines the Socratic, the man who wrote the long and witty dialogues, once went to Sicily, taking them with him, in the hope that through them he might be able to get acquainted with Dionysius the tyrant; and after he had read his “Miltiades”’ and was considered to have made a hit, he made himself at home in Sicily from then on, playing parasite to the tyrant and bidding adieu to the haunts of Socrates.
32. Σίμων: ἐγώ σοι καταλέξω αὐτοὺς ὄντας οὐχὶ τοὺς φαύλους, ἀλλʼ ὡς ἐγὼ δοκῶ, τοὺς ἀρίστους καὶ οὓς ἥκιστα σὺ οἴει. Αἰσχίνης μέντοι ὁ Σωκρατικός, οὗτος ὁ τοὺς μακροὺς καὶ ἀστείους διαλόγους γράψας, ἧκέν ποτε εἰς Σικελίαν κομίζων αὐτούς, εἴ πως δύναιτο διʼ αὐτῶν γνωσθῆναι Διονυσίῳ τῷ τυράννῳ, καὶ τὸν Μιλτιάδην ἀναγνοὺς καὶ δόξας εὐδοκιμηκέναι λοιπὸν ἐκάθητο ἐν Σικελίᾳ παρασιτῶν Διονυσίῳ καὶ ταῖς Σωκράτους διατριβαῖς ἐρρῶσθαι φράσας.
33. And what about Aristippus of Cyrene? Is he not in your opinion one of the philosophers of distinction? TYCHIADES Very much so. SIMON But he too lived in Syracuse at about the same time, playing parasite to Dionysius. In fact, of all the parasites he was in highest favour with him, — being, to be sure, somewhat more gifted for the art than the rest of them, so that Dionysius sent his cooks to him every day, to learn something from him. Aristippus, indeed, appears to have been a worthy ornament to the art;
33. Σίμων: τί δέ, καὶ Ἀρίστιππος ὁ Κυρηναῖος οὐχὶ τῶν δοκίμων φαίνεταί σοι φιλοσόφων; Τυχιάδης: καὶ πάνυ. Σίμων: καὶ οὗτος μέντοι κατὰ τὸν αὐτὸν χρόνον διέτριβεν ἐν Συρακούσαις παρασιτῶν Διονυσίῳ. πάντων γοῦν ἀμέλει τῶν παρασίτων αὐτὸς ηὐδοκίμει παρʼ αὐτῷ· καὶ γὰρ ἦν πλέον τι τῶν ἄλλων πρὸς τὴν τέχνην εὐφυής, ὥστε τοὺς ὀψοποιοὺς ὁσημέραι ἔπεμπεν παρὰ τοῦτον ὁ Διονύσιος ὥς τι παρʼ αὐτοῦ μαθησομένους. οὗτος μέντοι δοκεῖ καὶ κοσμῆσαι τὴν τέχνην ἀξίως.