34. but your most noble Plato also came to Sicily for this purpose, and after being parasite to the tyrant only a few days, was turned out of his place as parasite on account of ineptitude. Then, after going back to Athens and working hard and preparing himself, he cruised once more to Sicily on a second venture, and again, after only a — few days of dining, was turned out on account of stupidity; and this “Sicilian disaster” of Plato’s is considered equal to that of Nicias. TYCHIADES Why, who tells about this, Simon?
34. Σίμων: ὁ δὲ Πλάτων ὑμῶν ὁ γενναιότατος καὶ αὐτὸς μὲν ἧκεν εἰς Σικελίαν ἐπὶ τούτῳ, καὶ ὀλίγας παρασιτήσας ἡμέρας τῷ τυράννῳ τοῦ παρασιτεῖν ὑπὸ ἀφυίας ἐξέπεσε, καὶ πάλιν Ἀθήναζε ἀφικόμενος καὶ φιλοπονῄσας καὶ παρασκευάσας ἑαυτὸν αὖθις δευτέρῳ στόλῳ ἐπέπλευσε τῇ Σικελίᾳ καὶ δειπνήσας πάλιν ὀλίγας ἡμέρας ὑπὸ ἀμαθίας ἐξέπεσε· καὶ αὕτη ἡ συμφορὰ Πλάτωνι περὶ Σικελίαν ὁμοία δοκεῖ γενέσθαι τῇ Νικίου. Τυχιάδης: καὶ τίς, ὦ Σίμων, περὶ τούτου λέγει;
35. SIMON A great many; among them, Aristoxenus the musician, who deserves great consideration. That Euripides was parasite to Archelaus until he died, and Anaxarchus to Alexander, you surely know.
35. Σίμων: πολλοὶ μὲν καὶ ἄλλοι, Ἀριστόξενος δὲ ὁ μουσικός, πολλοῦ λόγου ἄξιος. Εὐριπίδης μὲν γὰρ ὅτι Ἀρχελάῳ μέχρι μὲν τοῦ θανάτου παρεσίτει καὶ Ἀνάξαρχος Ἀλεξάνδρῳ πάντως ἐπίστασαι.
36. As to Aristotle, he only made a beginning in Parasitic, as in every other art.
36. Σίμων: καὶ Ἀριστοτέλης δὲ τῆς παρασιτικῆς ἤρξατο μόνον ὥσπερ καὶ τῶν ἄλλων τεχνῶν.
37. I have shown that, as I said, philosophers have been eager to play parasite; but nobody can instance a parasite who has cared to practise philosophy.
37. Σίμων: φιλοσόφους μὲν οὖν, ὥσπερ ἦν, παρασιτεῖν σπουδάσαντας ἔδειξα· παράσιτον δὲ οὐδεὶς ἔχει φράσαι φιλοσοφεῖν ἐθελήσαντα.
38. Furthermore, if happiness lies in not hungering or thirsting or shivering, nobody has this in his power except the parasite. Consequently you can find many cold and hungry philosophers, but never a parasite; otherwise he would not be a parasite, but an unfortunate beggar fellow, resembling a philosopher.
38. Σίμων: καὶ μέντοι εἰ ἔστιν εὔδαιμον τὸ μὴ πεινῆν μηδὲ διψῆν μηδὲ ῥιγοῦν, ταῦτα οὐδενὶ ἄλλῳ ὑπάρχει ἢ παρασίτῳ. ὥστε φιλοσόφους μὲν ἄν τις πολλοὺς καὶ ῥιγοῦντας καὶ πεινῶντας εὕροι, παράσιτον δὲ οὔ· ἢ οὐκ ἂν εἴη παράσιτος, ἀλλὰ δυστυχής τις καὶ πτωχὸς ἄνθρωπος καὶ φιλοσόφῳ ὅμοιος.
39. TYCHIADES You have been sufficiently explicit on that score. But how do you prove that Parasitic excels philosophy and rhetoric in other respects? SIMON There are seasons, my dear fellow, in the life of man, seasons of peace, I take it, and again seasons of war. Well, in those seasons it is absolutely inevitable that the arts and those who possess them should show what they are. First, if you please, let us consider the season of war, and what class of men would be above all most useful to themselves individually and to the state in general. TYCHIADES What a searching test of manhood you are announcing! I have long been laughing inwardly to think how a philosopher would look in comparison with a parasite.
39. Τυχιάδης: ἱκανῶς ταῦτά γε. ὅτι δὲ κατὰ τἄλλα διαφέρει φιλοσοφίας καὶ ῥητορικῆς ἡ παρασιτικὴ πῶς ἐπιδεικνύεις; Σίμων: εἰσίν, ὦ βέλτιστε, καιροὶ τοῦ τῶν ἀνθρώπων βίου, ὁ μέν τις εἰρήνης, οἶμαι, ὁ δʼ αὖ πολέμου. ἐν δὴ τούτοις πᾶσα ἀνάγκη φανερὰς γίγνεσθαι τὰς τέχνας καὶ τοὺς ἔχοντας ταύτας ὁποῖοί τινές εἰσιν. πρότερον δέ, εἰ δοκεῖ, σκοπώμεθα τὸν τοῦ πολέμου καιρόν, καὶ τίνες ἂν εἶεν μάλιστα χρησιμώτατοι ἰδίᾳ τε ἕκαστος αὐτῷ καὶ κοινῇ τῇ πόλει. Τυχιάδης: ὡς οὐ μέτριον ἀγῶνα καταγγέλλεις τῶν ἀνδρῶν· καὶ ἔγωγε πάλαι γελῶ κατʼ ἐμαυτὸν ἐννοῶν ποῖος ἂν εἴη συμβαλλόμενος παρασίτῳ φιλόσοφος.
40. SIMON Then in order to prevent you from wondering too much and also from thinking it a laughing matter, let us imagine that right here in our city proclamation has been made that the enemy has unexpectedly invaded the country; that it is necessary to take the field against them and not allow the farm-lands outside the walls to be laid waste, that the commander has called to the colours all those of military age, and that of course everybody is going, including certain philosophers and rhetoricians and parasites. First, then, let us strip them to the skin; for those who are going to put on armour must first take off their clothes. Now inspect your men, sir, one by one, and give them a physical examination. Some of them you can see to be thin and pale through privation, shuddering, and as limp as if they had already been wounded. Surely it would be ridiculous to say that fighting, hand-to-hand combat, pushing, dust, and. wounds can be borne by men like these, who need something to brace them up!
40. Σίμων: ἵνα τοίνυν μὴ πάνυ θαυμάζῃς μηδὲ τὸ πρᾶγμά σοι δοκῇ χλεύης ἄξιον, φέρε προτυπωσώμεθα παρʼ ἡμῖν αὐτοῖς ἠγγέλθαι μὲν αἰφνίδιον εἰς τὴν χώραν ἐμβεβληκέναι πολεμίους, εἶναι δὲ ἀνάγκην ἐπεξιέναι καὶ μὴ περιορᾶν ἔξω δῃουμένην τὴν γῆν, τὸν στρατηγὸν δὲ παραγγέλλειν ἅπαντας εἰς τὸν κατάλογον τοὺς ἐν ἡλικίᾳ, καὶ δὴ χωρεῖν τοὺς ἄλλους, ἐν δὲ δὴ τούτοις φιλοσόφους τινὰς καὶ ῥήτορας καὶ παρασίτους. πρῶτον τοίνυν ἀποδύσωμεν αὐτούς· ἀνάγκη γὰρ τοὺς μέλλοντας ὁπλίζεσθαι γυμνοῦσθαι πρότερον. θεῶ δὴ τοὺς ἄνδρας, ὦ γενναῖε, καθʼ ἕκαστον καὶ δοκίμαζε τὰ σώματα. τοὺς μὲν τοίνυν αὐτῶν ὑπὸ ἐνδείας ἴδοις ἂν λεπτοὺς καὶ ὠχρούς, πεφρικότας, ὥσπερ ἤδη τραυματίας παρειμένους· ἀγῶνα μὲν γὰρ καὶ μάχην σταδιαίαν καὶ ὠθισμὸν καὶ κόνιν καὶ τραύματα μὴ γελοῖον ᾖ λέγειν δύνασθαι φέρειν ἀνθρώπους ὥσπερ ἐκείνους τινὸς δεομένους ἀναλήψεως.
41. Pass on, and now see how the parasite looks! In the first place, is he not generous in his proportions and pleasing in his complexion, neither dark nor fair of skin; for the one befits a woman, and the other a slave; and besides, has he not a spirited look, with a fiery glance like mine, high and bloodshot? It is not becoming, you know, to go into battle with a timorous and womanish eye. Would not such a man make a fine soldier in life and a fine corpse if he should die?
41. Σίμων: ἄθρει δὲ πάλιν μεταβὰς τὸν παράσιτον ὁποῖός τις φαίνεται. ἆρʼ οὐχ ὁ μὲν τὸ σῶμα πρῶτον πολὺς καὶ τὸ χρῶμα ἡδύς, οὐ μέλας δὲ οὐδὲ λευκός — τὸ μὲν γὰρ γυναικί, τὸ δὲ δούλῳ προσέοικεν — ἔπειτα θυμοειδής, δεινὸν βλέπων ὁποῖον ἡμεῖς, μέγα καὶ ὕφαιμον; οὐ γὰρ καλὸν δεδοικότα καὶ θῆλυν ὀφθαλμὸν εἰς πόλεμον φέρειν. ἆρʼ οὐχ ὁ τοιοῦτος καλὸς μὲν γένοιτʼ ἂν καὶ ζῶν ὁπλίτης, καλὸς δὲ καὶ εἰ ἀποθάνοι νεκρός;
42. But what is the good of guessing about all this, when we have historical examples? To put it briefly, in war, of all the rhetoricians and_philosophers that ever were, some have not dared to go outside the walls at all, and if any one of them ever took the field under compulsion, he deserted his post, I maintain, and beat a retreat.TYCHIADES What assertions, all surprising and none moderate! But say your say, nevertheless. SIMON Among the followers of rhetoric, Isocrates not only never went to war but never even went to court, through cowardice, I assume, as that is why he could not even keep his voice. And did not Demades and Aeschines and Philocrates, through fright, directly upon the declaration of war against Philip, betray their city and themselves to Philip and continually direct public affairs at Athens in the interest of that man, who was waging war upon the Athenians at that time, if ever a man was; and he was their friend. Moreover, Hyperides and Demosthenes and Lycurgus, who put up a more courageous front and were always making an uproar and abusing Philip in the assemblies—what on earth did they do that was valiant in the war with him? Hyperides and Lycurgus did not even take the field—why, they did not even dare to show their heads just outside the gates, but safe within the walls, they sat at home as if the city were already besieged, framing trivial motions and petty resolutions! And as for the topmost of them, the man who was continually talking in the assembly about “Philip, the scoundrel from Macedon, where one could never even buy a decent slave!” he did venture to join the advance into Boeotia, but before the armies joined battle and began to fight at close quarters he threw away his shield and fled! Has nobody ever told you that before? It is very well known, not only to the Athenians, but to the people of Thrace and Scythia, where that vagabond came from.
42. Σίμων: ἀλλὰ τί δεῖ ταῦτα εἰκάζειν ἔχοντας αὐτῶν παραδείγματα; ἁπλῶς γὰρ εἰπεῖν, ἐν πολέμῳ τῶν πώποτε ῥητόρων ἢ φιλοσόφων οἱ μὲν οὐδὲ ὅλως ὑπέμειναν ἔξω τοῦ τείχους προελθεῖν, εἰ δέ τις καὶ ἀναγκασθεὶς παρετάξατο, φημὶ τοῦτον λείψαντα τὴν τάξιν ὑποστρέφειν. Τυχιάδης: ὡς θαυμάσια πάντα καὶ οὐδὲν ὑπισχνῇ μέτριον. λέγε δὲ ὅμως. Σίμων: τῶν μὲν τοίνυν ῥητόρων Ἰσοκράτης οὐχ ὅπως εἰς πόλεμον ἐξῆλθέν ποτε, ἀλλʼ οὐδʼ ἐπὶ δικαστήριον ἀνέβη, διὰ δειλίαν, οἶμαι, ὅτι οὐδὲ τὴν φωνὴν διὰ τοῦτο εἶχεν ἔτι. τί δʼ; οὐχὶ Δημάδης μὲν καὶ Αἰσχίνης καὶ Φιλοκράτης ὑπὸ δέους εὐθὺς τῇ καταγγελίᾳ τοῦ Φιλίππου πολέμου τὴν πόλιν προὔδοσαν καὶ σφᾶς αὐτοὺς τῷ Φιλίππῳ καὶ διετέλεσαν Ἀθήνησιν ἀεὶ τὰ ἐκείνου πολιτευόμενοι, ὃς εἴ γε καὶ ἄλλος τις Ἀθηναίοις κατὰ ταῦτα ἐπολέμει· κἀκεῖνος ἐν αὐτοῖς ἦν φίλος. Ὑπερίδης δὲ καὶ Δημοσθένης καὶ Λυκοῦργος, οἵ γε δοκοῦντες ἀνδρειότεροι κἀν ταῖς ἐκκλησίαις ἀεὶ θορυβοῦντες καὶ λοιδορούμενοι τῷ Φιλίππῳ, τί ποτε ἀπειργάσαντο γενναῖον ἐν τῷ πρὸς αὐτὸν πολέμῳ; καὶ Ὑπερίδης μὲν καὶ Λυκοῦργος οὐδὲ ἐξῆλθον, ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ ὅλως ἐτόλμησαν μικρὸν ἔξω παρακῦψαι τῶν πυλῶν, ἀλλʼ ἐντειχίδιοι ἐκάθηντο παρʼ αὐτοῖς ἤδη πολιορκούμενοι γνωμίδια καὶ προβουλευμάτια συντιθέντες. ὁ δὲ δὴ κορυφαιότατος αὐτῶν, ὁ ταυτὶ λέγων ἐν ταῖς ἐκκλησίαις συνεχῶς· Φίλιππος γὰρ ὁ Μακεδὼν ὄλεθρος, ὅθεν οὐδὲ ἀνδράποδον πρίαιτό τίς ποτε, τολμήσας προελθεῖν εἰς τὴν Βοιωτίαν, πρὶν ἢ συμμῖξαι τὰ στρατόπεδα καὶ συμβαλεῖν εἰς χεῖρας ῥίψας τὴν ἀσπίδα ἔφυγεν. ἢ οὐδέπω ταῦτα πρότερον διήκουσας οὐδενός, πάνυ γνώριμα ὄντα οὐχ ὅπως Ἀθηναίοις, ἀλλὰ Θρᾳξὶ καὶ Σκύθαις, ὅθεν ἐκεῖνο τὸ κάθαρμα ἦν;
43. TYCHIADES I know all that. They were orators, however, who cultivated speech-making, not virtue. What have you to say about the philosophers? Surely you are not able to censure them as you did the others. SIMON They in turn, Tychiades, though they talk every day about courage and wear the word virtue smooth, will be found far more cowardly and effeminate than the orators. Look at it from this standpoint. Inthe first place, there is nobody that can mention a philosopher who died in battle; either they did not enter the service at all, or if they did, every one of them ran away. Antisthenes, Diogenes, Crates, Zeno, Plato, Aeschines, Aristotle, and all that motley array never even saw a line of battle. The only one who had the courage to go out for the battle at Delium, their wise Socrates, fled the field, fleeing for cover all the way from Parnes to the gymnasium of Taureas. He thought it far nicer to sit and philander with boys and propound petty sophistries to anyone who should come along than to fight with a Spartan soldier. TYCHIADES My excellent friend, I have already heard this from others, who certainly did not wish to ridicule or libel them; so I do not in the least think that you are belying them out of partiality to your own art.
43. Τυχιάδης: ἐπίσταμαι ταῦτα· ἀλλʼ οὗτοι μὲν ῥήτορες καὶ λόγους λέγειν ἠσκηκότες, ἀρετὴν δὲ οὔ. τί δὲ περὶ τῶν φιλοσόφων λέγεις; οὐ γὰρ δὴ τούτους ἔχεις ὥσπερ ἐκείνους αἰτιᾶσθαι. Σίμων: οὗτοι πάλιν, ὦ Τυχιάδη, οἱ περὶ τῆς ἀνδρείας ὁσημέραι διαλεγόμενοι καὶ κατατρίβοντες τὸ τῆς ἀρετῆς ὄνομα πολλῷ μᾶλλον τῶν ῥητόρων φανοῦνται δειλότεροι καὶ μαλακώτεροι. σκόπει δὴ οὕτως. πρῶτον μὲν οὐκ ἔστιν ὅστις εἰπεῖν ἔχοι φιλόσοφον ἐν πολέμῳ τετελευτηκότα· ἤτοι γὰρ οὐδὲ ὅλως ἐστρατεύσαντο, ἢ εἴπερ ἐστρατεύσαντο, πάντες ἔφυγον. Ἀντισθένης μὲν οὖν καὶ Διογένης καὶ Κράτης καὶ Ζήνων καὶ Πλάτων καὶ Αἰσχίνης καὶ Ἀριστοτέλης καὶ πᾶς οὗτος ὁ ὅμιλος οὐδὲ εἶδον παράταξιν· μόνος δὲ τολμήσας ἐξελθεῖν εἰς τὴν ἐπὶ Δηλίῳ μάχην ὁ σοφὸς αὐτῶν Σωκράτης φεύγων ἐκεῖθεν ἀπὸ τῆς Πάρνηθος εἰς τὴν Ταυρέου παλαίστραν κατέφυγεν. πολὺ γὰρ αὐτῷ ἀστειότερον ἐδόκει μετὰ τῶν μειρακυλλίων καθεζόμενον ὀαρίζειν καὶ σοφισμάτια προβάλλειν τοῖς ἐντυγχάνουσιν ἢ ἀνδρὶ Σπαρτιάτῃ μάχεσθαι. Τυχιάδης: ὦ γενναῖε, ταῦτα μὲν ἤδη καὶ παρʼ ἄλλων ἐπυθόμην, οὐ μὰ Δία σκώπτειν αὐτοὺς καὶ ὀνειδίζειν βουλομένων· ὥστε οὐδέν τί μοι δοκεῖς χαριζόμενος τῇ σεαυτοῦ τέχνῃ καταψεύδεσθαι τῶν ἀνδρῶν.
44. But if you are now willing, tell what the parasite is like in war, and whether anybody at all among the ancient heroes is said to have been a parasite.SIMON Why, my dear friend, no one is so unfamiliar with Homer, even if he is completely unlettered, as not to know that in him the noblest of the heroes are parasites! The famous Nestor, from whose tongue speech flowed like honey, was parasite to the king’ himself; and neither Achilles, who seemed and was the finest in physique, nor Diomed nor Ajax was so lauded and admired by Agamemnon as Nestor. He does not pray to have ten of Ajax or ten of Achilles, but says that he would long ago have taken Troy if he had had ten soldiers like that parasite, old as he was. Idomeneus, too, the son of Zeus, is similarly spoken of as parasite to Agamemnon.
44. Τυχιάδης: ἀλλʼ εἰ δοκεῖ ἤδη, φέρε καὶ σὺ τὸν παράσιτον ὁποῖός τίς ἐστιν ἐν πολέμῳ λέγε, καὶ εἰ καθόλως λέγεται παράσιτός τις γενέσθαι τῶν παλαιῶν; Σίμων: καὶ μήν, ὦ φιλότης, οὐδεὶς οὕτως ἀνήκοος Ὁμήρου, οὐδʼ ἂν πάμπαν ἰδιώτης τύχῃ, ὃς οὐκ ἐπίσταται παρʼ αὐτῷ τοὺς ἀρίστους τῶν ἡρώων παρασίτους ὄντας. ὅ τε γὰρ Νέστωρ ἐκεῖνος, οὗ ἀπὸ τῆς γλώττης ὥσπερ μέλι ὁ λόγος ἀπέρρει, αὐτοῦ τοῦ βασιλέως παράσιτος ἦν, καὶ οὔτε τὸν Ἀχιλλέα, ὅσπερ ἐδόκει τε καὶ ἦν τὸ σῶμα γενναιότατος, οὔτε τὸν Διομήδην οὔτε τὸν Αἴαντα ὁ Ἀγαμέμνων οὕτως ἐπαινεῖ τε καὶ θαυμάζει ὥσπερ τὸν Νέστορα. οὐδὲ γὰρ δέκα Αἴαντας εὔχεται γενέσθαι αὑτῷ οὔτε δέκα Ἀχιλλέας· πάλαι δʼ ἂν ἑαλωκέναι τὴν Τροίαν, εἰ τοιούτους ὁποῖος ἦν οὗτος ὁ παράσιτος, καίπερ γέρων ὤν, στρατιώτας εἶχεν δέκα. καὶ τὸν Ἰδομενέα τὸν τοῦ Διὸς ἔγγονον παράσιτον Ἀγαμέμνονος ὁμοίως λέγει.
45. TYCHIADES Of course I myself know all this, but I do not think that I yet see how the two men were parasites to Agamemnon. SIMON Remember, my friend, those lines that Agamemnon himself addresses to Idomeneus. TYCHIADES What lines? SIMONYour beaker has alwaysStood full, even as mine, to be drunk when the spirit should move you.For in saying there that the beaker “always stood full,’ he did not mean that Idomeneus’ cup stood full under all circumstances, even when he fought or when he slept, but that he alone was privileged to eat with the king all the days of his life, unlike the rest of the soldiers, who were invited only on certain days. As for Ajax, when he had fought gloriously in single combat with Hector,they brought him to great Agamemnon,Homer says, and by way of special honour, he was at last counted worthy of sharing the king’s table. But Idomeneus and Nestor dined with the king daily, as he himself says. Nestor, indeed, in my opinion was the most workmanlike and efficient parasite among the kings; he began the art, not in the time of Agamemnon, but away back in the time of Caeneus and Exadius, and by all appearances would never have stopped practising it if Agamemnon had not been killed. TYCHIADES He was a doughty parasite, I grant you. Try to name some more, if you know of any.
45. Τυχιάδης: ταῦτα μὲν καὶ αὐτὸς ἐπίσταμαι· οὔπω γε μὴν δοκῶ μοι γιγνώσκειν, πῶς δὴ τὼ ἄνδρε τῷ Ἀγαμέμνονι παράσιτοι ἦσαν. Σίμων: ἀναμνήσθητι, ὦ γενναῖε, τῶν ἐπῶν ἐκείνων ὧνπερ αὐτὸς ὁ Ἀγαμέμνων πρὸς τὸν Ἰδομενέα λέγει. Τυχιάδης: ποίων; Σίμων:σὸν δὲ πλεῖον δέπας αἰεὶἕστηχʼ ὥσπερ ἐμοὶ πιέειν ὅτε θυμὸς ἀνώγοι.ἐνταῦθα γὰρ τὸ αἰεὶ πλεῖον δέπας εἴρηκεν οὐχ ὅτι τὸ ποτήριον διὰ παντὸς πλῆρες ἑστήκει τῷ Ἰδομενεῖ καὶ μαχομένῳ καὶ καθεύδοντι, ἀλλʼ ὅτι αὐτῷ διʼ ὅλου τοῦ βίου μόνῳ συνδειπνεῖν ὑπῆρχεν τῷ βασιλεῖ, οὐχ ὥσπερ τοῖς λοιποῖς στρατιώταις πρὸς ἡμέρας τινὰς καλουμένοις. τὸν μὲν γὰρ Αἴαντα, ἐπεὶ καλῶς ἐμονομάχησεν τῷ Ἕκτορι, εἰς Ἀγαμέμνονα δῖον ἄγον, φησίν, κατὰ τιμὴν ἀξιωθέντα ὀψὲ τοῦ παρὰ τῷ βασιλεῖ δείπνου. ὁ δὲ Ἰδομενεὺς καὶ ὁ Νέστωρ ὁσημέραι συνεδείπνουν τῷ βασιλεῖ, ὡς αὐτός φησιν. Νέστωρ δὲ παράσιτός μοι δοκεῖ τῶν βασιλέων μάλιστα τεχνίτης καὶ ἀγαθὸς γενέσθαι· οὐ γὰρ ἐπὶ τοῦ Ἀγαμέμνονος ἄρξασθαι τῆς τέχνης, ἀλλὰ ἄνωθεν ἐπὶ Καινέως καὶ Ἐξαδίου· δοκεῖ δὲ οὐδὲ ἂν παύσασθαι παρασιτῶν, εἰ μὴ ὁ Ἀγαμέμνων ἀπέθανεν. Τυχιάδης: οὑτοσὶ μὲν γενναῖος ὁ παράσιτος. εἰ δὲ καὶ ἄλλους τινὰς οἶσθα, πειρῶ λέγειν.
46. SIMON What, Tychiades, was not Patroclus parasite to Achilles, and that too although he was quite as fine a young man, both in spirit and in physique, as any of the other Greeks? For my part I think I am right in concluding from his deeds that he was not even inferior to Achilles himself. When Hector broached the gates and was fighting within them beside the ships, it was he that thrust him out and extinguished the ship of Protesilaus, which was already in flames. Yet the fighters who manned that ship were not the most cowardly of all: they were the sons of Telamon, Ajax and Teucer, one of whom was a good spearman, the other a good archer. And he slew many of the barbarians, among them Sarpedon, the son of Zeus, this parasite of Achilles! In his death too, he was not to be compared with the others. Achilles slew Hector, man to man, and Paris © slew Achilles himself, but it needed a god and two men to slay the parasite. And in dying, the words that he uttered were not like those of noble Hector, who humbled himself before Achilles and besought that his body be given back to his family; no, they were the sort of words that a parasite would naturally utter. What were they, do you ask?Even if twenty such men had come in my way in the battle,All would have met their death, laid low by my spear on the instant.
46. Σίμων: τί οὖν, ὦ Τυχιάδη, οὐχὶ καὶ Πάτροκλος τοῦ Ἀχιλλέως παράσιτος ἦν, καὶ ταῦτα οὐδενὸς τῶν ἄλλων Ἑλλήνων φαυλότερος οὔτε τὴν ψυχὴν οὔτε τὸ σῶμα νεανίας ὤν; ἐγὼ γὰρ οὐδʼ αὐτοῦ μοι δοκῶ τοῦ Ἀχιλλέως τεκμαίρεσθαι τοῖς ἔργοις αὐτοῦ χείρω εἶναι· τόν τε γὰρ Ἕκτορα ῥήξαντα τὰς πύλας καὶ παρὰ ταῖς ναυσὶν εἴσω μαχόμενον οὗτος ἐξέωσεν καὶ τὴν Πρωτεσιλάου ναῦν ἤδη καιομένην ἔσβεσεν, καίτοι ἐπεβάτευον αὐτῆς οὐχ οἱ φαυλότατοι, ἀλλʼ οἱ τοῦ Τελαμῶνος Αἴας τε καὶ Τεῦκρος,ὁ μὲν ὁπλίτης ἀγαθός,ὁ δὲ τοξότης. καὶ πολλοὺς μὲν ἀπέκτεινε τῶν βαρβάρων, ἐν δὲ δὴ τούτοις καὶ Σαρπηδόνα τὸν παῖδα τοῦ Διός, ὁ παράσιτος τοῦ Ἀχιλλέως. καὶ ἀπέθανεν δὲ οὐχὶ τοῖς ἄλλοις ὁμοίως, ἀλλὰ τὸν μὲν Ἕκτορα Ἀχιλλεὺς ἀπέκτεινεν, εἷς ἕνα, καὶ αὐτὸν τὸν Ἀχιλλέα Πάρις, τὸν δὲ παράσιτον θεὸς καὶ δύο ἄνθρωποι. καὶ τελευτῶν δὲ φωνὰς ἀφῆκεν οὐχ οἵαςὁ γενναιότατος Ἕκτωρ καὶ προσπίπτων τὸν Ἀχιλλέα καὶ ἱκετεύων ὅπωςὁ νεκρὸς αὐτοῦ τοῖς οἰκείοις ἀποδοθῇ, ἀλλʼ οἵας εἰκὸς ἀφεῖναι παράσιτον. τίνας δὴ ταύτας; τοιοῦτοι δʼ εἴπερ μοι ἐείκοσιν ἀντεβόλησαν, πάντες κʼ αὐτόθʼ ὄλοντο ἐμῷ ὑπὸ δουρὶ δαμέντες.
47. TYCHIADES Enough said as to that; but try to show that Patroclus was not the friend but ‘the parasite of Achilles. SIMON I shall cite you Patroclus himself, Tychiades, saying that he was a parasite. TYCHIADES That is a surprising statement. SIMON Listen then to the lines themselves:Let my bones not lie at a distance from thine, O Achilles:Let them be close to your side, as I lived in the house of our kindred.And again, farther on, he says: “And now Peleus took me in andKept me with kindliest care, and gave me the name of thy servant.That is, he maintained him as a parasite. If he had wanted to call Patroclus a friend, he would not have given him the name of servant, for Patroclus was a freeman. Whom, then, does he mean by servants, if not either friends or slaves? Parasites, evidently. In the same way he calls Meriones too a servant of Idomeneus, Observe also tliat in the same passage it is not Idomeneus, the son of Zeus, whom he thinks fit to call “unyielding in battle,” but Meriones, his parasite.
47. Τυχιάδης: ταῦτα μὲν ἱκανῶς· ὅτι δὲ μὴ φίλος ἀλλὰ παράσιτος ἦν ὁ Πάτροκλος τοῦ Ἀχιλλέως πειρῶ λέγειν. Σίμων: αὐτόν, ὦ Τυχιάδη, τὸν Πάτροκλον ὅτι παράσιτος ἦν λέγοντά σοι παρέξομαι. Τυχιάδης: θαυμαστὰ λέγεις. Σίμων: ἄκουε τοίνυν αὐτῶν τῶν ἐπῶν·μὴ ἐμὰ σῶν ἀπάνευθε τιθήμεναι ὀστέʼ, Ἀχιλλεῦ,ἀλλʼ ὁμοῦ, ὡς ἐτράφην περ ἐν ὑμετέροισι δόμοισι.καὶ πάλιν ὑποβάς, καὶ νῦν με δεξάμενος, φησίν, ὁ Πηλεὺς ἔτρεφεν ἐνδυκέως καὶ σὸν θεράποντʼ ὀνόμηνε. τουτέστι παράσιτον εἶχεν. εἰ μὲν τοίνυν φίλον ἐβούλετο τὸν Πάτροκλον λέγειν, οὐκ ἂν αὐτὸν ὠνόμαζεν θεράποντα·θεράποντα· ἐλεύθερος γὰρ ἦν ὁ Πάτροκλος. τίνας τοίνυν λέγει τοὺς θεράποντα·θεράποντα· εἰ μήτε τοὺς δούλους μήτε τοὺς φίλους; τοὺς παρασίτους δῆλον ὅτι· ᾗ καὶ τὸν Μηριόνην τοῦ Ἰδομενέως καὶ αὐτὸν θεράποντα ὀνομάζει. Σκόπει δὲ ὅτι καὶ ἐνταῦθα τὸν μὲν Ἰδομενέα Διὸς ὄντα υἱὸν οὐκ ἀξιοῖ λέγειν ἀτάλαντον Ἄρηϊ, Μηριόνην δὲ τὸν παράσιτον αὐτοῦ.
48. Again, was not Aristogeiton, who was a man of the people and a pauper, as Thucydides says, parasite to Harmodius? Was he not his lover also? Naturally parasites are lovers of those who support them. Well, this parasite restored the city of Athens to freedom when she was in bondage to a tyrant, and now his statue stands in bronze in the public square along with that of his favourite. Certainly these men, who were of such distinction, were very doughty parasites.
48. Σίμων: τί δέ; οὐχὶ καὶ Ἀριστογείτων, δημοτικὸς ὢν καὶ πένης, ὥσπερ Θουκυδίδης φησί, παράσιτος ἦν Ἁρμοδίου; τί δέ; οὐχὶ καὶ ἐραστής; ἐπιεικῶς γὰρ οἱ παράσιτοι καὶ ἐρασταὶ τῶν τρεφόντων εἰσίν. οὗτος τοίνυν πάλιν ὁ παράσιτος τὴν Ἀθηναίων πόλιν τυραννουμένην εἰς ἐλευθερίαν ἀφείλετο, καὶ νῦν ἕστηκε χαλκοῦς ἐν τῇ ἀγορᾷ μετὰ τῶν παιδικῶν. οὗτοι μὲν δή, τοιοίδε ὄντες, μάλα ἀγαθοὶ παράσιτοι ἦσαν.
49. What is your own inference as to the character of the parasite in war? In the first place, does he not get his breakfast before he leaves his quarters to fall in, just as Odysseus thinks it right to do? Under no other circumstances, he says, is it possible to continue fighting in battle even if one should be obliged to begin fighting at the very break of day. While the other soldiers in affright are adjusting their helmets with great pains, or putting on their breastplates, or quaking in sheer anticipation of the horrors of war, the parasite eats with a very cheerful visage; and directly after marching out he begins to fight in the first line. The man who supports him is posted in the second line, behind the parasite, who covers him with his shield as Ajax covered Teucer, and when missiles are flying exposes himself to protect his patron; for he prefers to save his patron rather than himself.
49. Σίμων: σὺ δὲ δὴ ποῖόν τινα εἰκάζεις ἐν πολέμῳ τὸν παράσιτον; οὐχὶ πρῶτον μὲν ὁ τοιοῦτος ἀριστοποιησάμενος ἔξεισιν ἐπὶ τὴν παράταξιν, καθάπερ καὶ ὁ Ὀδυσσεὺς ἀξιοῖ; οὐ γὰρ ἄλλως ἐν πολέμῳ μάχεσθαι, φησίν, ἔστιν, εἰ καὶ εὐθὺς ἅμα ἕῳ μάχεσθαι δέοι. καὶ ὃν ἄλλοι στρατιῶται χρόνον ὑπὸ δέους ὁ μέν τις ἀκριβῶς ἁρμόζει τὸ κράνος, ὁ δὲ θωράκιον ἐνδύεται, ὁ δὲ αὐτὸ τὸ δεινὸν ὑποπτεύων τοῦ πολέμου τρέμει, οὗτος δὲ ἐσθίει τότε μάλα φαιδρῷ τῷ προσώπῳ καὶ μετὰ τὴν ἔξοδον εὐθὺς ἐν πρώτοις διαγωνίζεται· ὁ δὲ τρέφων αὐτὸν ὄπισθεν ὑποτέτακται τῷ παρασίτῳ, κἀκεῖνος αὐτὸν ὥσπερ ὁ Αἴας τὸν Τεῦκρον ὑπὸ τῷ σάκει καλύπτει, καὶ τῶν βελῶν ἀφιεμένων γυμνώσας ἑαυτὸν τοῦτον σκέπει· βούλεται γὰρ ἐκεῖνον μᾶλλον σώζειν ἢ ἑαυτόν.
50. If a parasite should actually fall in battle, certainly neither captain nor private soldier would be ashamed of his huge body, elegantly reclining as at an elegant banquet. Indeed it would be worth one’s while to look at a philosopher’s body lying beside it, lean, squalid, with a long beard, a sickly creature dead before the battle! Who would not despise this city if he saw that her targeteers were such wretches? Who, when he saw pale, long-haired varlets lying on the field, would not suppose that the city for lack of reserves had freed for service the malefactors in her prison? That is how parasites compare with rhetoricians and philosophers in war.
50. Σίμων: εἰ δὲ δὴ καὶ πέσοι παράσιτος ἐν πολέμῳ, οὐκ ἂν ἐπʼ αὐτῷ δήπου οὔτε λοχαγὸς οὔτε στρατιώτης αἰσχυνθείη μεγάλῳ τε ὄντι νεκρῷ καὶ ὥσπερ ἐν συμποσίῳ καλῷ καλῶς κατακειμένῳ. ὡς ἄξιόν γε φιλοσόφου νεκρὸν ἰδεῖν τούτῳ παρακείμενον, ξηρόν, ῥυπῶντα, μακρὸν πωγώνιον ἔχοντα, προτεθνηκότα τῆς μάχης, ἀσθενῆ ἄνθρωπον. τίς οὐκ ἂν καταφρονήσειε ταύτης τῆς πόλεως τοὺς ὑπασπιστὰς αὐτῆς οὕτως κακοδαίμονας ὁρῶν; τίς δὲ οὐκ ἂν εἰκάσαι, χλωροὺς καὶ κομήτας ὁρῶν ἀνθρωπίσκους κειμένους, τὴν πόλιν ἀποροῦσαν συμμάχων τοὺς ἐν τῇ εἱρκτῇ κακούργους ἐπιλῦσαι τῷ πολέμῳ; τοιοῦτοι μὲν ἐν πολέμῳ πρὸς ῥήτορας καὶ φιλοσόφους εἰσὶν οἱ παράσιτοι.
51. In peace, it seems to me, Parasitic excels philosophy as greatly as peace itself excels war. First, if you please, let us consider the strongholds of peace. TYCHIADES I do not understand what that means, but let us consider it all the same. SIMON Well, I should say that market-places, law-courts, athletic fields, gymnasia, hunting-parties and dinners were a city’s strongholds.TYCHIADES To be sure. SIMON The parasite does not appear in the market-place or the courts because, I take it, all these points are more appropriate to swindlers, ‘and because nothing that is done in them is good form; but he frequents the athletic fields, the gymnasia, and the dinners, and ornaments them beyond all others. On the athletic field what philosopher or rhetorician, once he has taken his clothes off, is fit to be compared with a parasite’s physique? What one of them when seen in the gymnasium is not actually a disgrace to the place? In the wilds, too, none of them could withstand the charge of a beast; the parasite, however, awaits their attack and receives it easily, having learned to despise them at dinners; and neither stag nor bristling boar affrights him, but if the boar whets his tusks for him, the parasite whets his own for the boar! After a hare he is as keen as a hound. And at a dinner, who could compete with a parasite either in making sport or in eating? Who would make the guests merrier? He with his songs and jokes, or a fellow who lies there without a smile, in a short cloak, with his eyes upon the ground, as if he had come to a funeral and not to a banquet? In my opinion, a philosopher at a banquet is much the same thing as a dog in a bathhouse!
51. Σίμων: ἐν εἰρήνῃ δὲ τοσούτῳ μοι δοκεῖ διαφέρειν παρασιτικὴ φιλοσοφίας ὅσον αὐτὴ ἡ εἰρήνη πολέμου. καὶ πρῶτον, εἰ δοκεῖ, σκοπῶμεν τὰ τῆς εἰρήνης χωρία. Τυχιάδης: οὔπω συνίημι ὅ τι τοῦτό πως βούλεται, σκοπῶμεν δὲ ὅμως. Σίμων: οὐκοῦν ἀγορὰν καὶ δικαστήρια καὶ παλαίστρας καὶ γυμνάσια καὶ κυνηγέσια καὶ συμπόσια ἔγωγε φαίην ἂν πόλεως χωρία. Τυχιάδης: πάνυ μὲν οὖν. Σίμων: ὁ τοίνυν παράσιτος εἰς ἀγορὰν μὲν καὶ δικαστήρια οὐ πάρεισιν, ὅτι, οἶμαι, τοῖς συκοφάνταις πάντα τὰ χωρία ταῦτα μᾶλλον προσήκει καὶ ὅτι οὐδὲν μέτριόν ἐστιν τῶν ἐν τούτοις γιγνομένων, τὰς δὲ παλαίστρας καὶ τὰ γυμνάσια καὶ τὰ συμπόσια διώκει καὶ κοσμεῖ μόνος οὗτος. ἐπεὶ τίς ἐν παλαίστρᾳ φιλόσοφος ἢ ῥήτωρ ἀποδὺς ἄξιος συγκριθῆναι παρασίτου τῷ σώματι; ἢ τίς ἐν γυμνασίῳ τούτων ὀφθεὶς οὐκ αἰσχύνη μᾶλλον τοῦ χωρίου ἐστί; καὶ μὴν ἐν ἐρημίᾳ τούτων οὐδεὶς ἂν ὑποσταίη θηρίον ὁμόσε ἰόν, ὁ δὲ παράσιτος αὐτά τε ἐπιόντα μένει καὶ δέχεται ῥᾳδίως, μεμελετηκὼς αὐτῶν ἐν τοῖς δείπνοις καταφρονεῖν, καὶ οὔτε ἔλαφος οὔτε σῦς αὐτὸν ἐκπλήττει πεφρικώς, ἀλλὰ κἂν ἐπʼ αὐτὸν ὁ σῦς τὸν ὀδόντα θήγῃ, καὶ ὁ παράσιτος ἐπὶ τὸν σῦν ἀντιθήγει. τοὺς μὲν γὰρ λαγὼς διώκει μᾶλλον τῶν κυνῶν. ἐν δὲ δὴ συμποσίῳ τίς ἂν καὶ ἁμιλλήσαιτο παρασίτῳ ἤτοι παίζοντι ἢ ἐσθίοντι; τίς δʼ ἂν μᾶλλον εὐφράναι τοὺς συμπότας; πότερόν ποτε οὗτος ᾄδων καὶ σκώπτων, ἢ ἄνθρωπος μὴ γελῶν, ἐν τριβωνίῳ κείμενος, εἰς τὴν γῆν ὁρῶν, ὥσπερ ἐπὶ πένθος οὐχὶ συμπόσιον ἥκων; καὶ ἔμοιγε δοκεῖ, ἐν συμποσίῳ φιλόσοφος τοιοῦτόν ἐστιν οἷον ἐν βαλανείῳ κύων.
52. Come now, let us dismiss these topics and forthwith turn to the parasite’s way of living, considering at the same time and comparing with it that of the others. In the first place, you can see that the parasite always despises reputation and does not care at all what people think about him, but you will find that rhetoricians and philosophers, not merely here and there but everywhere, are harassed by selfesteem and reputation—yes, not only by reputation, but what is worse than that, by money! The parasite feels greater contempt for silver than one would feel even for the pebbles on the beach, and does not think gold one whit better than fire. The rhetoricians, however, and what is more shocking, those who claim to be philosophers, are so wretchedly affected by it that among the philosophers who are. most famous at present—for why should we speak of the rhetoricians?—one was convicted of taking a bribe when he served on a jury, and another demands pay from the emperor as a private tutor; he is not ashamed that in his old age he resides in a foreign land on this account and works for wages like an Indian or Scythian prisoner of war —not even ashamed of the name that he gets by it.
52. Σίμων: φέρε δὴ ταῦτα ἀφέντες ἐπʼ αὐτὸν ἤδη βαδίζωμεν τὸν βίον τοῦ παρασίτου, σκοποῦντες ἅμα καὶ παραβάλλοντες ἐκεῖνον. πρῶτον τοίνυν ἴδοι τις ἂν τὸν μὲν παράσιτον ἀεὶ δόξης καταφρονοῦντα καὶ οὐδὲν αὐτῷ μέλον ὅ τι ἂν οἱ ἄνθρωποι οἴωνται περὶ αὐτοῦ, ῥήτορας δὲ καὶ φιλοσόφους εὕροι τις ἂν οὐ τινάς, ἀλλὰ πάντας ὑπὸ τύφου καὶ δόξης τριβέντας, καὶ οὐ δόξης μόνον, ἀλλὰ καὶ ὃ τούτου αἴσχιόν ἐστιν, ὑπʼ ἀργυρίου. καὶ ὁ μὲν παράσιτος οὕτως ἔχει πρὸς ἀργύριον ὡς οὐκ ἄν τις οὐδὲ πρὸς τὰς ἐν τοῖς αἰγιαλοῖς ψηφῖδας ἀμελῶς ἔχοι, καὶ οὐδὲν αὐτῷ δοκεῖ διαφέρειν τὸ χρυσίον τοῦ πυρός. οἵ γε μὴν ῥήτορες, καὶ ὃ δεινότερόν ἐστιν, καὶ οἱ φιλοσοφεῖν φάσκοντες πρὸς αὐτὰ οὕτως διάκεινται κακοδαιμόνως, ὥστε τῶν μάλιστα νῦν εὐδοκιμούντων φιλοσόφων — περὶ μὲν γὰρ τῶν ῥητόρων τί δεῖ λέγειν; — ὁ μὲν δικάζων δίκην δώροις ἐπʼ αὐτῇ ἑάλω, ὁ δὲ παρὰ βασιλέως ὑπὲρ τοῦ συνεῖναι μισθὸν αἰτεῖ καὶ οὐκ αἰσχύνεται ὅτι πρεσβύτης ἀνὴρ διὰ τοῦτο ἀποδημεῖ καὶ μισθοφορεῖ καθάπερ Ἰνδὸς ἢ Σκύθης αἰχμάλωτος, καὶ οὐδὲ αὐτὸ τὸ ὄνομα αἰσχύνεται ὃ λαμβάνει.
53. You will find too that they are subject to other passions as well as these, such as distress, anger, jealousy, and all manner of desires. The parasite is far from all this; he does not become angry because he is long-suffering, and also because he has nothing to get angry at; and if he should become indignant at any time, his temper does not give rise to any unpleasantness or gloom, but rather to laughter, and makes the company merry. He is least of all subject to distress, as his art supplies him gratuitously with the advantage of having nothing to be distressed about. For he has neither money nor house nor servant nor wife nor children, over which, if they go to ruin, it is inevitable that their possessor should — be distressed. And he has no desires, either for reputation or money, or even for a_ beautiful favourite.
53. Σίμων: εὕροις δʼ ἂν οὐ μόνον ταῦτα περὶ τούτους, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἄλλα πάθη, οἷον λύπας καὶ ὀργὰς καὶ φθόνους καὶ παντοίας ἐπιθυμίας. ὅ γε μὴν παράσιτος ἔξωθεν τούτων ἐστὶν ἁπάντων· οὔτε γὰρ ὀργίζεται διʼ ἀνεξικακίαν καὶ ὅτι οὐκ ἔστιν αὐτῷ ὅτῳ ὀργισθείη· καὶ εἰ ἀγανακτήσειεν δέ ποτε, ἡ ὀργὴ αὐτοῦ χαλεπὸν μὲν οὐδὲ σκυθρωπὸν οὐδὲν ἀπεργάζεται, μᾶλλον δὲ γέλωτα, καὶ εὐφραίνει τοὺς συνόντας. λυπεῖταί γε μὴν ἥκιστα πάντων, τοῦτο τῆς τέχνης παρασκευαζούσης αὐτῷ καὶ χαριζομένης, μὴ ἔχειν ὑπὲρ ὅτου λυπηθείη· οὔτε γὰρ χρήματά ἐστιν αὐτῷ οὔτε οἶκος οὔτε οἰκέτης οὔτε γυνὴ οὔτε παῖδες, ὧν διαφθειρομένων πᾶσα ἀνάγκη ἐστὶ λυπεῖσθαι τὸν ἔχοντα αὐτά. ἐπιθυμεῖ δὲ οὔτε δόξης οὔτε χρημάτων, ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ ὡραίου τινός.
54. TYCHIADES But, Simon, at least he is likely to be distressed by lack of food. SIMON You fail to understand, Tychiades, that a priori: one who lacks food is not a parasite. A brave man is not brave if he lacks bravery, nor is a sensible man sensible if he lacks sense. On any other supposition. the parasite would not exist; and the subject of our investigation is an existent, not a non-existent parasite. If the brave man is brave for no other reason than because he has bravery at his command, and the sensible man because he has sense at his command, so, too, the parasite is a parasite because he has food at his command; consequently, if this be denied him, we shall be studying some other sort of man instead of a parasite. TYCHIADES Then a parasite will never lack food? SIMON So it appears; therefore he cannot be distressed, either by that or by anything else whatsoever.
54. Τυχιάδης: ἀλλʼ, ὦ Σίμων, εἰκός γε ἐνδείᾳ τροφῆς λυπηθῆναι αὐτόν. Σίμων: ἀγνοεῖς, ὦ Τυχιάδη, ὅτι ἐξ ἀρχῆς οὐδὲ παράσιτός ἐστιν οὗτος, ὅστις ἀπορεῖ τροφῆς· οὐδὲ γὰρ ἀνδρεῖος ἀπορίᾳ ἀνδρείας ἐστὶν ἀνδρεῖος, οὐδὲ φρόνιμος ἀπορίᾳ φρενῶν ἐστιν φρόνιμος· ἄλλως γὰρ οὐδὲ παράσιτος ἂν εἴη. πρόκειται δὲ ἡμῖν περὶ παρασίτου ζητεῖν ὄντος, οὐχὶ μὴ ὄντος. εἰ δὲ ὁ ἀνδρεῖος οὐκ ἄλλως ἢ παρουσίᾳ ἀνδρειότητος καὶ ὁ φρόνιμος παρουσίᾳ φρονήσεως, καὶ ὁ παράσιτος δὲ παρουσίᾳ τοῦ παρασιτεῖν παράσιτος ἔσται· ὡς εἴ γε τοῦτο μὴ ὑπάρχοι αὐτῷ, περὶ ἄλλου τινός, καὶ οὐχὶ παρασίτου, ζητήσομεν. Τυχιάδης: οὐκοῦν οὐδέποτε ἀπορήσει παράσιτος τροφῆς Σίμων: ἔοικεν· ὥστε οὔτʼ ἐπὶ τούτῳ οὔτʼ ἐπʼ ἄλλῳ ἐστὶν ὅτῳ λυπηθείη ἄν.
55. Moreover, all the philosophers and rhetoricians, to a man, are particularly timid. At all events you will find that most of them appear in public with a staff —of course they would not have armed themselves if they were not afraid—-and that they lock their doors very securely for fear that someone might plot against them at night. The parasite, however, casually closes the door of his lodgings, just to prevent it from being opened by the wind, and when a sound comes at night, he is no more disturbed than as if it had not come, and when he goes through unfrequented country he travels without a sword; for. he does not fear anything anywhere. But I have often seen philosophers armed with bows and arrows when there was nothing to fear; and as for staves, they carry them even when they go to the bath and to luncheon.
55. Σίμων: καὶ μὴν καὶ πάντες ὁμοῦ καὶ φιλόσοφοι καὶ ῥήτορες φοβοῦνται μάλιστα. τούς γέ τοι πλείστους αὐτῶν εὕροι τις ἂν μετὰ ξύλου προϊόντας, οὐκ ἂν δή που, εἰ μὴ ἐφοβοῦντο, ὡπλισμένους, καὶ τὰς θύρας δὲ μάλα ἐρρωμένως ἀποκλείοντας, μή τις ἄρα νύκτωρ ἐπιβουλεύσειεν αὐτοῖς δεδιότας. ὁ δὲ τὴν θύραν τοῦ δωματίου προστίθησιν εἰκῆ, καὶ τοῦτο ὡς μὴ ὑπʼ ἀνέμου ἀνοιχθείη, καὶ γενομένου ψόφου νύκτωρ οὐδέν τι μᾶλλον θορυβεῖται ἢ μὴ γενομένου, καὶ διʼ ἐρημίας δὲ ἀπιὼν ἄνευ ξίφους ὁδεύει· φοβεῖται γὰρ οὐδὲν οὐδαμοῦ. φιλοσόφους δὲ ἤδη ἐγὼ πολλάκις εἶδον, οὐδενὸς ὄντος δεινοῦ, τόξα ἐνεσκευασμένους· ξύλα μὲν γὰρ ἔχουσιν καὶ εἰς βαλανεῖον ἀπιόντες καὶ ἐπʼ ἄριστον.
56. Again, nobody could accuse a parasite of adultery or assault or larceny or any other offence at all, since a man of that character would be no parasite; he wrongs himself. Therefore if he should commit adultery, for instance, along with the offence he acquires the name that goes withit. Just as a good man who behaves badly thereby acquires the name of bad instead of good, so, I take it, if the parasite commits any offence, he loses his identity and becomes identified with his offence. But not only are we ourselves aware of such offences on the part of rhetoricians and philosophers committed without number in our times, but we also possess records of their misdeeds left behind in books. And there are speeches in defence of Socrates, Aeschines, Hyperides, Demosthenes, and very nearly the majority of orators and sages, whereas there is no speech in defence of a parasite, and nobody can cite a suit that has been brought against a parasite.
56. Σίμων: παρασίτου μέντοι οὐδεὶς ἔχοι κατηγορῆσαι μοιχείαν ἢ βίαν ἢ ἁρπαγὴν ἢ ἄλλο τι ἀδίκημα ἁπλῶς· ἐπεὶ ὅ γε τοιοῦτος οὐκ ἂν εἴη παράσιτος, ἀλλʼ ἑαυτὸν ἐκεῖνος ἀδικεῖ. ὥστʼ εἰ μοιχεύσας τύχοι, ἅμα τῷ ἀδικήματι καὶ τοὔνομα μεταλαμβάνει τοῦ ἀδικήματος. ὥσπερ γὰρ ὁ ἀγαθὸς φαῦλα ποιῶν διὰ τοῦτο οὐκ ἀγαθός, ἀλλὰ φαῦλος εἶναι ἀναλαμβάνει, οὕτως, οἶμαι, καὶ ὁ παράσιτος, ἐάν τι ἀδικῇ, αὐτὸ μὲν τοῦτο ὅπερ ἐστὶν ἀποβάλλει, ἀναλαμβάνει δὲ ὃ ἀδικεῖ. ἀδικήματα δὲ τοιαῦτα ῥητόρων καὶ φιλοσόφων ἄφθονα οὐ μόνον ἴσμεν αὐτοὶ γεγονότα καθʼ ἡμᾶς, ἀλλὰ κἀν τοῖς βιβλίοις ἀπολελειμμένα ὑπομνήματα ἔχομεν ὧν ἠδίκησαν. ἀπολογία μὲν γὰρ Σωκράτους ἐστὶν καὶ Αἰσχίνου καὶ Ὑπερίδου καὶ Δημοσθένους καὶ τῶν πλείστων σχεδόν τι ῥητόρων καὶ σοφῶν, παρασίτου δὲ οὐκ ἔστιν ἀπολογία οὐδʼ ἔχει τις εἰπεῖν δίκην πρὸς παράσιτόν τινι γεγραμμένην.
57. Granted that the life of a parasite is better than that of a rhetorician or a philosopher, is his death worse? Quite to the contrary, it is happier by far. We know that most, if not all, of the philosophers died as wretchedly as they had lived; some died by poison, as a result of judicial sentence, after they had been convicted of the greatest crimes; some had their bodies completely consumed by fire; some wasted away through retention of urine; some died in exile. But in the case of a parasite no one can cite any such death—nothing but the happy, happy death of a man who has eaten and drunk; and any one of them who is thought to have died by violence: died of indigestion.
57. Σίμων: ἀλλὰ νὴ Δία ὁ μὲν βίος τοῦ παρασίτου κρείττων ἐστὶν τοῦ τῶν ῥητόρων καὶ τῶν φιλοσόφων, ὁ δὲ θάνατος φαυλότερος; πάνυ μὲν οὖν τοὐναντίον παρὰ πολὺ εὐδαιμονέστερος. φιλοσόφους μὲν γὰρ ἴσμεν ἅπαντας ἢ τοὺς πλείστους κακοὺς κακῶς ἀποθανόντας, τοὺς μὲν ἐκ καταδίκης, ἑαλωκότας ἐπὶ τοῖς μεγίστοις ἀδικήμασι, φαρμάκῳ, τοὺς δὲ καταπρησθέντας τὸ σῶμα ἅπαν, τοὺς δὲ ἀπὸ δυσουρίας φθινήσαντας, τοὺς δὲ φυγόντας. παρασίτου δὲ θάνατον οὐδεὶς ἔχει τοιοῦτον εἰπεῖν, ἀλλὰ τὸν εὐδαιμονέστατον φαγόντος καὶ πιόντος. εἰ δέ τις καὶ δοκεῖ βιαίῳ τετελευτηκέναι θανάτῳ, ἀπεπτήσας ἀπέθανεν.
58. TYCHIADES You have satisfactorily championed the cause of the parasite against the philosophers. Next try to explain whether he is a good and useful acquisition to his supporter; for to me it seems that the rich play the part of benefactors and philanthropists in supporting them, and that this is dishonourable to the man who receives support. SIMON How silly df you, Tychiades, not to be able to realise that a rich man, even if he has the wealth of Gyges, is poor if he eats alone; that if he takes the gir without a parasite in his company he is considered a pauper, and that just as a soldier without-arms, or a mantle without a purple border, or a horse without trappings is held in less esteem, so a rich man without a parasite appears low and cheap. Truly, he is an ornament to the rich man, but the rich man is never an ornament to the parasite.
58. Τυχιάδης: ταῦτα μὲν ἱκανῶς διημίλληταί σοι τὰ πρὸς τοὺς φιλοσόφους ὑπὲρ τοῦ παρασίτου. λοιπὸν δὲ εἰ καλὸν καὶ λυσιτελές ἐστιν τὸ κτῆμα τοῦτο τῷ τρέφοντι, πειρῶ λέγειν· ἐμοὶ μὲν γὰρ δοκοῦσιν ὥσπερ εὐεργετοῦντες καὶ χαριζόμενοι τρέφειν αὐτοὺς οἱ πλούσιοι, καὶ εἶναι τοῦτο αἰσχύνην τῷ τρεφομένῳ. Σίμων: ὡς ἠλίθιά γε σου, ὦ Τυχιάδη, ταῦτα, εἰ μὴ δύνασαι γινώσκειν ὅτι πλούσιος ἀνήρ, εἰ καὶ τὸ Γύγου χρυσίον ἔχοι, μόνος ἐσθίων πένης ἐστὶν καὶ προϊὼν ἄνευ παρασίτου πτωχὸς δοκεῖ, καὶ ὥσπερ στρατιώτης χωρὶς ὅπλων ἀτιμότερος καὶ ἐσθὴς ἄνευ πορφύρας καὶ ἵππος ἄνευ φαλάρων, οὕτω καὶ πλούσιος ἄνευ παρασίτου ταπεινός τις καὶ εὐτελὴς φαίνεται. καὶ μὴν ὁ μὲν πλούσιος κοσμεῖται ὑπʼ αὐτοῦ, τὸν δὲ παράσιτον πλούσιος οὐδέποτε κοσμεῖ.
59. Furthermore, it is no disgrace to him to be the rich man’s parasite, as you imply, evidently assuming that he is the inferior and the other a superior; since surely it is profitable for the rich man to support the parasite, seeing that, besides having him as an ornament, he derives great security from his service as bodyguard. In battle nobody would readily attack the rich man while he saw the other standing by, and in fact no one could die by poison who had a_ parasite; for who would dare to make an attempt on a man when a parasite tastes his meat and drink first? So the rich man not only is ornamented but is actually saved from the greatest: perils by the parasite, who faces every danger on account of his affection, and will not suffer the rich man to eat alone, but chooses even to die from eating with him.
59. Σίμων: ἄλλως τε οὐδὲ ὄνειδος αὐτῷ ἐστιν, ὡς σὺ φής, τὸ παρασιτεῖν ἐκείνῳ, δῆλον ὅτι ὥς τινι κρείττονι χείρονα, ὅπου γε μὴν τῷ πλουσίῳ τοῦτο λυσιτελές ἐστιν, τὸ τρέφειν τὸν παράσιτον, ᾧ γε μετὰ τοῦ κοσμεῖσθαι ὑπʼ αὐτοῦ καὶ ἀσφάλεια πολλὴ ἐκ τῆς τούτου δορυφορίας ὑπάρχει· οὔτε γὰρ μάχῃ ῥᾳδίως ἄν τις ἐπιχειρήσαι τῷ πλουσίῳ τοῦτον ὁρῶν παρεστῶτα, ἀλλʼ οὐδʼ ἂν ἀποθάνοι φαρμάκῳ οὐδεὶς ἔχων παράσιτον. τίς γὰρ ἂν τολμήσειεν ἐπιβουλεῦσαί τινι τούτου προεσθίοντος καὶ προπίνοντος; ὥστε ὁ πλούσιος οὐχὶ κοσμεῖται μόνον, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἐκ τῶν μεγίστων κινδύνων ὑπὸ τοῦ παρασίτου σώζεται. οὕτω μὲν ὁ παράσιτος διὰ φιλοστοργίαν πάντα κίνδυνον ὑπομένει, καὶ οὐκ ἂν παραχωρήσειεν τῷ πλουσίῳ φαγεῖν μόνῳ, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἀποθανεῖν αἱρεῖται συμφαγών.
60. TYCHIADES It seems to me, Simon, that you have treated of everything without being in any degree inadequate to your art. You are not deficient in preparation, as you said you were; on the contrary, you are as thoroughly trained as one could be by the greatest masters. And now I want to know whether the very name of Parasitic is not discreditable. SIMON Note my answer and see if you think it is satisfactory, and try on your part to answer my question as you think best. Come, now, what about the noun from which it is derived? To what did the ancients apply it? TYCHIADES To food. SIMON And what about the simple verb, does it not mean “to eat”? TYCHIADES Yes. SIMON Then we have admitted, have we not, that to be a parasite is nothing but to eat with someone else? TYCHIADES Why, Simon, that is the very thing which seems discreditable!
60. Τυχιάδης: πάντα μοι δοκεῖς, ὦ Σίμων, διεξελθεῖν ὑστερήσας οὐδὲν τῆς σεαυτοῦ τέχνης, οὐχ ὥσπερ αὐτὸς ἔφασκες, ἀμελέτητος ὤν, ἀλλʼ ὥσπερ ἄν τις ὑπὸ τῶν μεγίστων γεγυμνασμένος. λοιπόν, εἰ μὴ αἴσχιον αὐτὸ τὸ ὄνομά ἐστι τῆς παρασιτικῆς, θέλω μαθεῖν. Σίμων: ὅρα δὴ τὴν ἀπόκρισιν, ἐάν σοι ἱκανῶς λέγεσθαι δοκῇ, καὶ πειρῶ πάλιν αὐτὸς ἀποκρίνασθαι πρὸς τὸ ἐρωτώμενον ᾗ ἄριστα οἴει. φέρε γάρ, τὸν σῖτον οἱ παλαιοὶ τί καλοῦσι; Τυχιάδης: τροφήν. Σίμων: τί δὲ τὸ σιτεῖσθαι, οὐχὶ τὸ ἐσθίειν; Τυχιάδης: ναί. Σίμων: οὐκοῦν καθωμολόγηται τὸ παρασιτεῖν ὅτι οὐκ ἄλλο ἐστίν; Τυχιάδης: τοῦτο γάρ, ὦ Σίμων, ἐστὶν ὃ αἰσχρὸν φαίνεται.
61. SIMON Come, then, answer me another question. Which seems to you to be the better, and which should you choose if both were open to you, to voyage or to voyage with someone else? TYCHIADES To voyage with someone else, for my part.SIMON To run, or to run with someone else? TYCHIADES To run with someone else. SIMON To ride, or to ride with someone else? TYCHIADES To ride with someone else. SIMON To throw the javelin, or to throw it with someone else? TYCHIADES To throw it with someone else. SIMON Then, in like manner, should you not choose to eat with someone else, rather than just to eat? TYCHIADES I cannot but admit it. Hereafter I shall go to you _ like a schoolboy both in the morning and after luncheon to learn your art. You, for your part, ought to teach me ungrudgingly, for I shall be your first pupil. They say that mothers love their first children more.
61. Σίμων: φέρε δὴ πάλιν ἀπόκριναί μοι, πότερόν σοι δοκεῖ διαφέρειν, καὶ προκειμένων ἀμφοῖν πότερον ἂν αὐτὸς ἕλοιο, ἆρά γε τὸ πλεῖν ἢ τὸ παραπλεῖν; Τυχιάδης: τὸ παραπλεῖν ἔγωγε. Σίμων: τί δέ, τὸ τρέχειν ἢ τὸ παρατρέχειν; Τυχιάδης: Τὸ παρατρέχειν. Σίμων: τί δέ, τὸ ἱππεύειν ἢ τὸ παριππεύειν; Τυχιάδης: τὸ παριππεύειν. Σίμων: τί δέ, τὸ ἀκοντίζειν ἢ τὸ παρακοντίζειν; Τυχιάδης: τὸ παρακοντίζειν. Σίμων: οὐκοῦν ὁμοίως ἂν ἕλοιο καὶ τοῦ ἐσθίειν μᾶλλον τὸ παρασιτεῖν; Τυχιάδης: ὁμολογεῖν ἀνάγκη. καί σοι λοιπὸν ὥσπερ οἱ παῖδες ἀφίξομαι καὶ ἑῷος καὶ μετʼ ἄριστον μαθησόμενος τὴν τέχνην. σὺ δέ με αὐτὴν δίκαιος διδάσκειν ἀφθόνως, ἐπεὶ καὶ πρῶτος μαθητής σοι γίγνομαι. φασὶ δὲ καὶ τὰς μητέρας μᾶλλον τὰ πρῶτα φιλεῖν τῶν τέκνων.