ZEUS: Speak, my boy: I give you permission.
Ζεύς: λέγε, ὦ τέκνον· ἐφίημι γάρ.
27. APOLLO: This Timocles is an upright, God-fearing man and he is thoroughly up in the Stoic doctrines, so that he gives lessons to many of the young men -and collects large fees for it, being very plausible when he disputes privately with his pupils; but he utterly lacks the courage to speak before a crowd and his language is vulgar and half-foreign, so that he gets laughed at for that reason when he appears in public, for he does not talk fluently but stammers and gets confused, especially when in spite of these faults he wants to make a show of fine language. His intellect, to be sure, is exceedingly keen and subtle, as people say who know more than I about Stoicism, but in lecturing and expounding he weakens and obscures his points by his incapacity, not making his meaning clear but presenting propositions that are like riddles and returning answers that are still more unintelligible; hence the others failing to com- prehend, laugh at him. But it is essential to speak clearly, I think, and beyond all else to take great pains to be understood by the hearers.
27. Ἀπόλλων: ὁ Τιμοκλῆς οὗτος ἔστι μὲν χρηστὸς ἀνὴρ καὶ φιλόθεος καὶ τοὺς λόγους πάνυ ἠκρίβωκε τοὺς Στωϊκούς· ὥστε καὶ σύνεστιν ἐπὶ σοφίᾳ πολλοῖς τῶν νέων καὶ μισθοὺς οὐκ ὀλίγους ἐπὶ τούτῳ ἐκλέγει, σφόδρα πιθανὸς ὢν ὁπότε ἰδίᾳ τοῖς μαθηταῖς διαλέγοιτο· ἐν πλήθει δὲ εἰπεῖν ἀτολμότατός ἐστι καὶ τὴν φωνὴν ἰδιώτης καὶ μιξοβάρβαρος, ὥστε γέλωτα ὀφλισκάνειν διὰ τοῦτο ἐν ταῖς συνουσίαις, οὐ συνείρων ἀλλὰ βατταρίζων καὶ ταραττόμενος, καὶ μάλιστα ὁπόταν οὕτως ἔχων καὶ καλλιρρημοσύνην ἐπιδείκνυσθαι βούληται. συνεῖναι μὲν γὰρ εἰς ὑπερβολὴν ὀξύς ἐστι καὶ λεπτογνώμων, ὥς φασιν οἱ ἄμεινον τὰ τῶν Στωϊκῶν εἰδότες, λέγων δὲ καὶ ἑρμηνεύων ὑπʼ ἀσθενείας διαφθείρει αὐτὰ καὶ συγχεῖ, οὐκ ἀποσαφῶν ὅ τι βούλεται ἀλλὰ αἰνίγμασιν ἐοικότα προτείνων καὶ πάλιν αὖ πολὺ ἀσαφέστερα πρὸς τὰς ἐρωτήσεις ἀποκρινόμενος· οἱ δὲ οὐ συνιέντες καταγελῶσιν αὐτοῦ. δεῖ δὲ οἶμαι σαφῶς λέγειν καὶ τούτου μάλιστα πολλὴν ποιεῖσθαι τὴν πρόνοιαν, ὡς συνήσουσιν οἱ ἀκούοντες.
28. MOMUS: You were right, Apollo, in praising people who speak clearly, even though you yourself do not do it at all, for in your oracles you are ambiguous and riddling and you unconcernedly toss most of them into the debatable ground so that your hearers need another Apollo to interpret them. But what do you advise as the next step, what remedy for Timocles’ helplessness in debate?
28. Μῶμος: τοῦτο μὲν ὀρθῶς ἔλεξας, ὦ Ἄπολλον, ἐπαινέσας τοὺς σαφῶς λέγοντας, εἰ καὶ μὴ πάνυ ποιεῖς αὐτὸ σὺ ἐν τοῖς χρησμοῖς λοξὸς ὢν καὶ γριφώδης καὶ ἐς τὸ μεταίχμιον ἀσφαλῶς ἀπορρίπτων τὰ πολλά, ὡς τοὺς ἀκούοντας ἄλλου δεῖσθαι Πυθίου πρὸς τὴν ἐξήγησιν αὐτῶν. ἀτὰρ τί τὸ ἐπὶ τούτῳ συμβουλεύεις; τίνα ἴασιν ποιήσασθαι τῆς Τιμοκλέους ἀδυναμίας ἐν τοῖς λόγοις;
29. APOLLO: To give him a spokesman if possible, Momus, one of those eloquent chaps who will say fittingly whatever Timocles thinks of and suggests.
29. Ἀπόλλων: συνήγορον, ὦ Μῶμε, εἴ πως δυνηθείημεν, αὐτῷ παρασχεῖν ἄλλον τῶν δεινῶν τούτων, ἐροῦντα κατʼ ἀξίαν ἅπερ ἂν ἐκεῖνος ἐνθυμηθεὶς ὑποβάλῃ.
MOMUS: Truly a puerilesuggestion which shows that you still need a tutor, that we should bring a spokesman into a meeting of philosophers to interpret the opinions of Timocles to the company, and that Damis should speak in his own person and unaided while the other, making use of a proxy, privately whispers his ideas into his ear and the proxy does the speaking, perhaps without even understanding what he hears, Wouldn’t that be fun for the crowd! No, let’s think of some other way to manage this thing.
Μῶμος: ἀγένειον τοῦτο ὡς ἀληθῶς εἴρηκας, ἔτι παιδαγωγοῦ τινος δεόμενον, συνήγορον ἐν συνουσίᾳ φιλοσόφων παραστήσασθαι ἑρμηνεύσοντα πρὸς τοὺς παρόντας ἅπερ ἂν δοκῇ Τιμοκλεῖ, καὶ τὸν μὲν Δᾶμιν αὐτοπρόσωπον καὶ διʼ αὑτοῦ λέγειν, τὸν δὲ ὑποκριτῇ προσχρώμενον ἰδίᾳ πρὸς τὸ οὖς ἐκείνῳ ὑποβάλλειν τὰ δοκοῦντα, τὸν ὑποκριτὴν δὲ ῥητορεύειν, οὐδʼ αὐτὸν ἴσως συνιέντα ὅ τι ἀκούσειε. ταῦτα πῶς οὐ γέλως ἂν εἴη τῷ πλήθει; ἀλλὰ τοῦτο μὲν ἄλλως ἐπινοήσωμεν.
30. MOMUS: But as for you, my admirable friend, since you claim to be a prophet and have collected large fees for such work, even to the extent of getting ingots of gold once upon a time, why do you not give us a timely display of your skill by foretelling which of the sophists will win in the argument? Of course you know what the outcome will be, if you are a prophet: APOLLO: How can I do that, Momus, when we have no tripod here, and no incense or prophetic spring like Castaly?
30. Μῶμος: σὺ δέ, ὦ θαυμάσιε — φὴς γὰρ καὶ μάντις εἶναι καὶ μισθοὺς οὐκ ὀλίγους ἐπὶ τῷ τοιούτῳ ἐξέλεξας ἄχρι τοῦ καὶ πλίνθους χρυσᾶς ποτε εἰληφέναι — τί οὐκ ἐπεδείξω ἡμῖν κατὰ καιρὸν τὴν τέχνην προειπὼν ὁπότερος τῶν σοφιστῶν κρατήσει λέγων; οἶσθα γάρ που τὸ ἀποβησόμενον μάντις ὤν.Ἀπόλλων: πῶς, ὦ Μῶμε, δυνατὸν ποιεῖν ταῦτα μήτε τρίποδος ἡμῖν παρόντος μήτε θυμιαμάτων ἢ πηγῆς μαντικῆς οἵα ἡ Κασταλία ἐστίν;
MOMUS: There now! you dodge the test when it comes to the pinch.
Μῶμος: ὁρᾷς; ἀποδιδράσκεις τὸν ἔλεγχον ἐν στενῷ ἐχόμενος.
ZEUS: Speak up, my boy, all the same, and don’t give this libeller a chance to malign and insult your profession by saying that it all depends on a tripod and water and incense, so that if you didn’t have those things you would be deprived of your skill.
Ζεύς: ὅμως, ὦ τέκνον, εἰπὲ καὶ μὴ παράσχῃς τῷ συκοφάντῃ τούτῳ ἀφορμὰς διαβάλλειν καὶ χλευάζειν τὰ σὰ ὡς ἐπὶ τρίποδι καὶ ὕδατι καὶ λιβανωτῷ κείμενα, ὡς, εἰ μὴ ἔχοις ταῦτα, στερησόμενόν σε τῆς τέχνης.
APOLLO: It would be better, father, to do such business at Delphi or Colophon where I have all the necessaries at hand, in the usual way. However, even thus devoid of them and unequipped, I will try to foretell whose the victory shall be: you will bear with me if my verses are lame.
Ἀπόλλων: ἄμεινον μὲν ἦν, ὦ πάτερ, ἐν Δελφοῖς ἢ Κολοφῶνι τὰ τοιαῦτα ποιεῖν, ἁπάντων μοι τῶν χρησίμων παρόντων, ὡς ἔθος. ὅμως δὲ καὶ οὕτω γυμνὸς ἐκείνων καὶ ἄσκευος πειράσομαι προειπεῖν ὁποτέρου τὸ κράτος ἔσται· ἀνέξεσθε δέ, εἰ μὴ ἔμμετρα λέγοιμι.
MOMUS: Do speak; but let it be clear, and not itself in need of a spokesman or an interpreter. It is not now a question of lamb and turtle cooking together in Lydia, but you know what the debate is about.
Μῶμος: λέγε μόνον, σαφῆ δέ, ὦ Ἄπολλον, καὶ οὐ συνηγόρου καὶ αὐτὰ ἢ ἑρμηνέως δεόμενα· καὶ γὰρ οὐκ ἄρνεια κρέα καὶ χελώνη νῦν ἐν Λυδίᾳ συνέψεται· ἀλλὰ οἶσθα περὶ ὅτου ἡ σκέψις.
ZEUS: What in the world are you going to say, my boy? These preliminaries to your oracle are terrifying in themselves; your colour is changed, your eyes are rolling, your hair stands on end, your movements are frenzied, and in a word everything about you suggests demoniacal possession and gooseflesh and mysteries.
Ζεύς: Τί ποτε ἐρεῖς, ὦ τέκνον; ὡς τά γε πρὸ τοῦ χρησμοῦ ταῦτα ἤδη φοβερά· ἡ χρόα τετραμμένη, οἱ ὀφθαλμοὶ περιφερεῖς, κόμη ἀνασοβουμένη, κίνημα κορυβαντῶδες, καὶ ὅλως κατόχιμα πάντα καὶ φρικώδη καὶ μυστικά.
31. APOLLO:Hark to the words of the prophet, oracular words of Apollo,Touching the shivery strife in which heroes are facing each other.Loudly they shout in the battle, and fast-flying words are their weapons;Many a blow while the hisses of conflict are ebbing and flowingThis way and that shall be dealt on the crest of the plowtail stubborn;Yet when the hook-taloned vulture the grasshopper grips in his clutches,Then shall the rainbearing crows make an end of their cawing forever:Vict’ry shall go to the mules, and the ass will rejoice in his offspring!
31. Ἀπόλλων:κέκλυτε μαντιπόλου τόδε θέσφατον Ἀπόλλωνοςἀμφʼ ἔριδος κρυερῆς, τὴν ἀνέρες ἐστήσαντοὀξυβόαι, μύθοισι κορυσσόμενοι πυκινοῖσι.πολλὰ γὰρ ἔνθα καὶ ἔνθα μόθου ἑτεραλκέϊ κλωγμῷταρφέος ἄκρα κόρυμβα καταπλήσσουσιν ἐχέτλης.ἀλλʼ ὅταν αἰγυπιὸς γαμψώνυχος ἀκρίδα μάρψῃ,δὴ τότε λοίσθιον ὀμβροφόροι κλάγξουσι κορῶναι.νίκη δʼ ἡμιόνων, ὁ δʼ ὄνος θοὰ τέκνα κορύψει.
ZEUS: What are you guffawing about, Momus? Surely there is nothing to laugh at in the situation we are facing. Stop, hang you! You'll choke yourself to death with your laughing.
Ζεύς: τί τοῦτο ἀνεκάγχασας, ὦ Μῶμε; καὶ μὴν οὐ γελοῖα τὰ ἐν ποσί· παῦσαι κακόδαιμον, ἀποπνιγήσῃ ὑπὸ τοῦ γέλωτος.
MOMUS: How can I, Zeus, when the oracle is so clear and manifest?
Μῶμος: καὶ πῶς δυνατόν, ὦ Ζεῦ, ἐφʼ οὕτω σαφεῖ καὶ προδήλῳ τῷ χρησμῷ;
ZEUS: Well then, suppose you tell us what in the world it means.
Ζεύς: οὐκοῦν καὶ ἡμῖν ἤδη ἑρμηνεύοις ἂν αὐτὸν ὅ τι καὶ λέγει.
MOMUS: It is quite manifest, so that we shan’t need a Themistocles.. The prophecy says as plainly as you please that this fellow is a humbug and that you who believe in him are pack-asses and mules, without as much sense as grasshoppers.
Μῶμος: πάνυ πρόδηλα, ὥστε οὐδὲν ἡμῖν Θεμιστοκλέους δεήσει· φησὶ γὰρ τὸ λόγιον οὑτωσὶ διαρρήδην γόητα μὲν εἶναι τοῦτον, ὑμᾶς δὲ ὄνους κανθηλίους νὴ Δία καὶ ἡμιόνους, τοὺς πιστεύοντας αὐτῷ, οὐδʼ ὅσον αἱ ἀκρίδες τὸν νοῦν ἔχοντας.
32. HERACLES: As for me, father, though I am but an alien I.shall not hesitate to say what I think. When they have met and are disputing, if Timocles gets the better of it, let’s allow the discussion about us to proceed; but if it turns out at all adversely, in that case, if you approve, I myself will at once shake the porch and throw it down on Damis, so that he may not affront us, confound him!ZEUS: In the name of Heracles! that was a loutish, horribly Boeotian thing you said, Heracles, to involve so many honest men in the destruction of a single rascal, and the porch too, with its Marathon and Miltiades and Cynegirus! If they should collapse how could the orators orate any more? They would be robbed of their principal topic for speeches. Moreover, although while you were alive you could no doubt have done something of the sort, since you have become a god you have found out, I suppose, that only the Fates can do such things; and that we have no part in them. HERACLES: So when I killed the lion or the Hydra, the Fates did it through my agency?
32. Ἡρακλῆς: ἐγὼ δέ, ὦ πάτερ, εἰ καὶ μέτοικός εἰμι, οὐκ ὀκνήσω ὅμως τὰ δοκοῦντά μοι εἰπεῖν· ὁπόταν γὰρ ἤδη συνελθόντες διαλέγωνται, τηνικαῦτα, ἢν μὲν ὁ Τιμοκλῆς ὑπέρσχῃ, ἐάσωμεν προχωρεῖν τὴν συνουσίαν ὑπὲρ ἡμῶν, ἢν δέ τι ἑτεροῖον ἀποβαίνῃ, τότε ἤδη τὴν στοὰν αὐτὴν ἔγωγε, εἰ δοκεῖ, διασείσας ἐμβαλῶ τῷ Δάμιδι, ὡς μὴ κατάρατος ὢν ὑβρίζῃ ἐς ἡμᾶς.Ζεύς: Ἡράκλεις, ὦ Ἡράκλεις, ἄγροικον τοῦτο εἴρηκας καὶ δεινῶς Βοιώτιον, συναπολέσαι ἑνὶ πονηρῷ τοσούτους χρηστούς, καὶ προσέτι τὴν στοὰν αὐτῷ Μαραθῶνι καὶ Μιλτιάδῃ καὶ Κυνεγείρῳ. καὶ πῶς ἂν τούτων συνεμπεσόντων οἱ ῥήτορες ἔτι ῥητορεύοιεν, τὴν μεγίστην εἰς τοὺς λόγους ὑπόθεσιν ἀφῃρημένοι; ἄλλως τε ζῶντι μέν σοι δυνατὸν ἴσως ἦν τι πρᾶξαι τοιοῦτον, ἀφʼ οὗ δὲ θεὸς γεγένησαι, μεμάθηκας, οἶμαι, ὡς αἱ Μοῖραι μόναι τὰ τοιαῦτα δύνανται, ἡμεῖς δὲ αὐτῶν ἄμοιροί ἐσμεν. Ἡρακλῆς: οὐκοῦν καὶ ὁπότε τὸν λέοντα ἢ τὴν ὕδραν ἐφόνευον, αἱ Μοῖραι διʼ ἐμοῦ ἐκεῖνα ἔπραττον;
ZEUS: Why, certainly! HERACLES: And now, in case anyone affronts me by robbing my temple or upsetting my image, can’t I exterminate him unless it was long ago settled that way by the Fates?
Ζεύς: καὶ μάλα. Ἡρακλῆς: καὶ νῦν ἤν τις ὑβρίζῃ εἰς ἐμὲ ἢ περισυλῶν μου τὸν νεὼν ἢ ἀνατρέπων τὸ ἄγαλμα, ἢν μὴ ταῖς Μοίραις πάλαι δεδογμένον ᾖ, οὐκ ἐπιτρίψω αὐτόν;
ZEUS: No, not by any means. HERACLES: Then hear me frankly, Zeus, for as the comic poet puts it,I'm but a boor and call a spade a spade.If that is the way things stand here with you, I shall say good-bye forever to the honours here and the odour of sacrifice and the blood of victims and go down to Hell, where with my bow uncascd I can at least frighten the ghosts of the animals I have slain.
Ζεύς: οὐδαμῶς. Ἡρακλῆς: οὐκοῦν ἄκουσον, ὦ Ζεῦ, μετὰ παρρησίας· ἐγὼ γάρ, ὡς ὁ κωμικὸς ἔφη, ἄγροικός εἰμι τὴν σκάφην σκάφην λέγων· εἰ τοιαῦτά ἐστι τὰ ὑμέτερα, μακρὰ χαίρειν φράσας ταῖς ἐνταῦθα τιμαῖς καὶ κνίσῃ καὶ ἱερείων αἵματι κάτειμι εἰς τὸν Ἅιδην, ὅπου με γυμνὸν τὸ τόξον ἔχοντα κἂν τὰ εἴδωλα φοβήσεται τῶν ὑπʼ ἐμοῦ πεφονευμένων θηρίων.
ZEUS: Bravo! testimony from the inside, as the saying goes. Really you would have done us a great service if you had given Damis a hint to say that.
Ζεύς: εὖ γε, οἴκοθεν ὁ μάρτυς, φασίν· ἀπέσωσάς γʼ ἂν οὖν τῷ Δάμιδι ταῦτα εἰπεῖν ὑποβαλών.
33. ZEUS: But who is this coming up in hot haste, the one of bronze, with the fine tooling and the fine contours, with his hair tied up in the old-fashioned way? Oh yes, it is your brother, Hermes, the one of the public square, beside the Painted Porch. At any rate he is all covered with pitch from being cast every day by the sculptors. My lad, what brings you here at a run? Do you bring us news from earth, by any chance? HERMAGORAS: Important news, Zeus, that requires unlimited attention.
33. Ζεύς: ἀλλὰ τίς ὁ σπουδῇ προσιὼν οὗτός ἐστιν, ὁ χαλκοῦς, ὁ εὔγραμμος καὶ εὐπερίγραφος, ὁ ἀρχαῖος τὴν ἀνάδεσιν τῆς κόμης; μᾶλλον δὲ ὁ σός, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, ἀδελφός ἐστιν, ὁ ἀγοραῖος, ὁ παρὰ τὴν Ποικίλην· πίττης γοῦν ἀναπέπλησται ὁσημέραι ἐκματτόμενος ὑπὸ τῶν ἀνδριαντοποιῶν. τί, ὦ παῖ, δρομαῖος ἡμῖν ἀφῖξαι; ἦ πού τι ἐκ γῆς νεώτερον ἀπαγγέλλεις; Ἑρμαγόρας: ὑπέρμεγα, ὦ Ζεῦ, καὶ μυρίας τῆς σπουδῆς δεόμενον.
ZEUS: Tell me whether we have overlooked anything else in the way of conspiracy. HERMAGORAS:It fell just now that they who work in bronzeHad smeared me o’er with pitch on breast and back;A funny corslet round my body hung,Conformed by imitative clevernessTo take the full impression of the bronze.I saw a crowd advancing with a pairOf sallow bawlers, warriors with words,Hight Damis, one— ZEUS: Leave off your bombast, my good Hermagoras; I know the men you mean. But tell me whether they have been in action long. HERMAGORAS: Not very; they were still skirmishing, slinging abuse at each other at long range.
Ζεύς: λέγε ἤδη, εἴ τι καὶ ἄλλο ἡμᾶς ἐπανιστάμενον λέληθεν. Ἑρμαγόρας:ἐτύγχανον μὲν ἄρτι χαλκουργῶν ὕποπιττούμενος στέρνον τε καὶ μετάφρενον·θώραξ δέ μοι γελοῖος ἀμφὶ σώματιπλασθεὶς παρῃώρητο μιμηλῇ τέχνῃσφραγῖδα χαλκοῦ πᾶσαν ἐκτυπούμενος·ὁρῶ δʼ ὄχλον στείχοντα καί τινας δύοὠχροὺς κεκράκτας, πυγμάχους σοφισμάτων,Δᾶμίν τε καὶ — Ζεύς: παῦε, ὦ Ἑρμαγόρα βέλτιστε, τραγῳδῶν· οἶδα γὰρ οὕστινας λέγεις. ἀλλʼ ἐκεῖνό μοι φράσον, εἰ πάλαι συγκροτεῖται αὐτοῖς ἡ ἔρις. Ἑρμαγόρας: οὐ πάνυ, ἀλλʼ ἐν ἀκροβολισμοῖς ἔτι ἦσαν ἀποσφενδονῶντες ἀλλήλοις πόρρωθέν ποθεν λοιδορούμενοι.
ZEUS: Then what else remains to be done, gods, except to stoop over and listen to them? So let the Hours remove the bar now, drive the clouds away and throw open the gates of Heaven.
Ζεύς: τί οὖν ἔτι ποιεῖν λοιπόν, ὦ θεοί, ἢ ἀκροάσασθαι ἐπικύψαντας αὐτῶν; ὥστε ἀφαιρείτωσαν αἱ Ὧραι τὸν μοχλὸν ἤδη καὶ ἀπάγουσαι τὰ νέφη ἀναπεταννύτωσαν τὰς πύλας τοῦ οὐρανοῦ.
34. ZEUS: Heracles! what a crowd has come together to listen! ‘Timocles himself does not please me at all, for he is trembling and confused. The fellow will spoil it all to-day; in fact, it is clear that he won’t even be able to square off at Danis. But let’s do the very utmost that we can and pray for him, Silently, each to himself, so that Damis may not be the wiser.
34. Ζεύς: Ἡράκλεις, ὅσον τὸ πλῆθος ἐπὶ τὴν ἀκρόασιν ἀπηντήκασιν. ὁ δὲ Τιμοκλῆς αὐτὸς οὐ πάνυ μοι ἀρέσκει ὑποτρέμων καὶ ταραττόμενος· ἀπολεῖ ἅπαντα οὗτος τήμερον· δῆλος γοῦν ἐστιν οὐδὲ ἀντάρασθαι τῷ Δάμιδι δυνησόμενος. ἀλλʼ ὅπερ ἡμῖν δυνατώτατον, εὐχώμεθα ὑπὲρ αὐτοῦ σιγῇ ἐφʼ ἡμείων, ἵνα μὴ Δᾶμίς γε πύθηται.
35. TIMOCLES: Damis, you sacrilegious wretch, why do you say that the gods do not exist and do not show providence in behalf of men?
35. Τιμοκλῆς: τί φής, ὦ ἱερόσυλε Δᾶμι, θεοὺς μὴ εἶναι μηδὲ προνοεῖν τῶν ἀνθρώπων;
DAMIS: No, you tell me first what reason you have for believing that they do exist.
Δάμις: οὔκ· ἀλλὰ σὺ πρότερος ἀπόκριναί μοι ᾧτινι λόγῳ ἐπείσθης εἶναι αὐτούς.
TIMOCLES: No, you tell me, you miscreant!
Τιμοκλῆς: οὐ μὲν οὖν, ἀλλὰ σύ, ὦ μιαρέ, ἀπόκριναι.
DAMIS: No, you!
Δάμις: οὐ μὲν οὖν, ἀλλὰ σύ.
ZEUS: So far our man is much better and more noisy in his bullying. Good, Timocles! Pile on your abuse; that is your strong point, for in everything else he will make you as mute as a fish.
Ζεύς: ταυτὶ μὲν παρὰ πολὺ ὁ ἡμέτερος ἄμεινον καὶ εὐφωνότερον τραχύνεται. εὖ γε, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, ἐπίχει τῶν βλασφημιῶν· ἐν γὰρ τούτῳ σοι τὸ κράτος, ὡς τά γε ἄλλα ἰχθύν σε ἀποφανεῖ ἐπιστομίζων.
TIMOCLES: But I swear by Athena that I will not answer you first.
Τιμοκλῆς: ἀλλά, μὰ τὴν Ἀθηνᾶν, οὐκ ἂν ἀποκριναίμην σοι πρότερος.
DAMIS: Well then, put your question, Timocles, for you have won with that oath of yours. But no abuse, please.
Δάμις: οὐκοῦν, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, ἐρώτα· ἐκράτησας γὰρ τοῦτό γε ὀμωμοκώς· ἀλλʼ ἄνευ τῶν βλασφημιῶν, εἰ δοκεῖ.
36. TIMOCLES: Very well. Tell me then, you scoundrel, don’t you think the gods exercise any providence?
36. Τιμοκλῆς: εὖ λέγεις· εἰπὲ οὖν μοι, οὐ δοκοῦσί σοι, ὦ κατάρατε, προνοεῖν οἱ θεοί;
DAMIS: Not in the least.
Δάμις: οὐδαμῶς.
TIMOCLES: What’s that you say? Then is all that we see about us uncared for by any providence?
Τιμοκλῆς: τί φής; ἀπρονόητα οὖν ταῦτα ἅπαντα;
TIMOCLES: And the administration of the universe is not directed by any god?
Τιμοκλῆς: οὐδʼ ὑπό τινι οὖν θεῷ τάττεται ἡ τῶν ὅλων ἐπιμέλεια;
TIMOCLES: And everything drifts at random?
Τιμοκλῆς: πάντα δὲ εἰκῆ φέρεται;
TIMOCLES: Men, do you hear that and put up with it? Aren’t you going to stone the villain?
Τιμοκλῆς: εἶτʼ ἄνθρωποι ταῦτα ἀκούοντες ἀνέχεσθε καὶ οὐ καταλεύσετε τὸν ἀλιτήριον;
DAMIS: Why do you embitter men against me, Timocles? And who are you to get angry on behalf of the gods, especially when they themselves are not angry? They have done me no harm, you see, though they have listened to me long—if indeed they have ears.
Δάμις: τί τοὺς ἀνθρώπους ἐπʼ ἐμὲ παροξύνεις, ὦ Τιμόκλεις; ἢ τίς ὢν ἀγανακτεῖς ὑπὲρ τῶν θεῶν, καὶ ταῦτα ἐκείνων αὐτῶν οὐκ ἀγανακτούντων; οἵ γε οὐδὲν δεινὸν διατεθείκασί με πάλαι ἀκούοντες, εἴ γε ἀκούουσιν.
TIMOCLES: Yes, they have, Damis, they have, and they will punish you some day in the hereafter.
Τιμοκλῆς: ἀκούουσι γάρ, ὦ Δᾶμι, ἀκούουσι, καί σε μετίασί ποτε χρόνῳ.
37. DAMIS: And when can they find time for me, when they have so many cares, you say, and manage all creation, which is unlimited in its extent? That is why they have not yet paid.you back for all your false oaths and everything else—I don’t want to be forced to deal in abuse like you, contrary to our stipulations: and yet I don’t see what better manifestation of their providence they could have made than to crush your life out miserably, miserable sinner that you are! But it is clear that they are away from home, across the Ocean, no doubt, visiting the guileless Ethiopians. At any rate it is their custom to go and dine with them continually, even self-invited at times.
37. Δάμις: καὶ πότε ἂν ἐκεῖνοι σχολὴν ἀγάγοιεν ἐπʼ ἐμέ, τοσαῦτα, ὡς φής, πράγματα ἔχοντες καὶ τὰ ἐν τῷ κόσμῳ ἄπειρα τὸ πλῆθος ὄντα οἰκονομούμενοι; ὥστε οὐδὲ σέ πω ἠμύναντο ὧν ἐπιορκεῖς ἀεὶ καὶ τῶν ἄλλων, ἵνα μὴ βλασφημεῖν καὶ αὐτὸς ἀναγκάζωμαι παρὰ τὰ συγκείμενα. καίτοι οὐχ ὁρῶ ἥντινα ἂν ἄλλην ἐπίδειξιν τῆς ἑαυτῶν προνοίας μείζω ἐξενεγκεῖν ἐδύναντο ἢ σὲ κακὸν κακῶς ἐπιτρίψαντες. ἀλλὰ δῆλοί εἰσιν ἀποδημοῦντες, ὑπὲρ τὸν Ὠκεανὸν ἴσως μετʼ ἀμύμονας Αἰθιοπῆας· ἔθος γοῦν αὐτοῖς συνεχῶς ἰέναι παρʼ αὐτοὺς μετὰ δαῖτα καὶ αὐτεπαγγέλτοις ἐνίοτε.
38. TIMOCLES: What can I say in reply to all this impudence, Damis?
38. Τιμοκλῆς: τί πρὸς τοσαύτην ἀναισχυντίαν εἴποιμι ἄν, ὦ Δᾶμι;
DAMIS: Tell me what I wanted you to tell me long ago, how you were induced to believe that the gods exercise providence.
Δάμις: ἐκεῖνο, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, ὃ πάλαι ἐγὼ ἐπόθουν ἀκοῦσαί σου, ὅπως ἐπείσθης οἴεσθαι προνοεῖν τοὺς θεούς.
TIMOCLES: In the first place the order of nature convinced me, the sun always going the same road and the moon likewise and the seasons changing and plants growing and living creatures being born, and these latter so cleverly devised that they can support life and move and think and walk and build houses and cobble shoes—and all the rest of it; these seem to me to be works of providence.
Τιμοκλῆς: ἡ τάξις με πρῶτον τῶν γινομένων ἔπεισεν, ὁ ἥλιος ἀεὶ τὴν αὐτὴν ὁδὸν ἰὼν καὶ σελήνη κατὰ ταὐτὰ καὶ ὧραι τρεπόμεναι καὶ φυτὰ φυόμενα καὶ ζῷα γεννώμενα καὶ αὐτὰ ταῦτα οὕτως εὐμηχάνως κατεσκευασμένα ὡς τρέφεσθαι καὶ κινεῖσθαι καὶ ἐννοεῖν καὶ βαδίζειν καὶ τεκταίνεσθαι καὶ σκυτοτομεῖν καὶ τἆλλα· ταῦτα προνοίας ἔργα εἶναί μοι δοκεῖ.
DAMIS: That is just the question, Timocles, and you are trying to beg it, for it is not yet proved that each of these things is accomplished by providence. While I myself would say that recurrent phenomena are as you describe them, I need not, however, at once admit a conviction that they recur by some sort of providence, for it is possible that they began at random and now take place with uniformity and regularity. But you call necessity “order” and then, forsooth, get angry if anyone does not follow you when you catalogue and extol the characteristics of these phenomena and think it a proof that each of them is ordered by providence. So, in the words of the comic poet,That’s but a sorry answer; try again.
Δάμις: αὐτό που τὸ ζητούμενον, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, συναρπάζεις· οὐδέπω γὰρ δῆλον εἰ προνοίᾳ τούτων ἕκαστον ἀποτελεῖται. ἀλλʼ ὅτι μὲν τοιαῦτά ἐστι τὰ γινόμενα φαίην ἂν καὶ αὐτός· οὐ μὴν αὐτίκα πεπεῖσθαι ἀνάγκη καὶ ὑπό τινος προμηθείας αὐτὰ γίγνεσθαι· ἔνι γὰρ καὶ ἄλλως ἀρξάμενα νῦν ὁμοίως καὶ κατὰ ταὐτὰ συνίστασθαι, σὺ δὲ τάξιν αὐτῶν ὀνομάζεις τὴν ἀνάγκην, εἶτα δηλαδὴ ἀγανακτήσεις εἴ τίς σοι μὴ ἀκολουθοίη τὰ γινόμενα μὲν ὁποῖά ἐστι καταριθμουμένῳ καὶ ἐπαινοῦντι, οἰομένῳ δὲ ἀπόδειξιν ταῦτα εἶναι τοῦ καὶ προνοίᾳ διατάττεσθαι αὐτῶν ἕκαστον. ὥστε κατὰ τὸν κωμικόν· τουτὶ μὲν ὑπομόχθηρον, ἄλλο μοι λέγε.
39. TIMOCLES: For my part I don’t think that any further proof is necessary on top of all this. Nevertheless I'll tell ou. Answer me this: do you think that Homer is the best poet?
39. Τιμοκλῆς: ἐγὼ μὲν οὐκ οἶμαι καὶ ἄλλης ἐπὶ τούτοις δεῖν ἀποδείξεως. ὅμως δʼ οὖν ἐρῶ· ἀπόκριναι γάρ μοι, Ὅμηρός σοι δοκεῖ ἄριστος ποιητὴς γενέσθαι;
DAMIS: Yes, certainly, TIMOCLES: Well, it was he that convinced me with his portrayal of the providence of the gods.
Δάμις: καὶ μάλα.Τιμοκλῆς: οὐκοῦν ἐκείνῳ ἐπείσθην τὴν πρόνοιαν τῶν θεῶν ἐμφανίζοντι.
DAMIS: But, my admirable friend, everybody will agree with you that Homer is a good poet, to be sure, but not that he or any other poet whatsoever is a truthful witness. They do not pay any heed to truth, I take it, but only to charming their hearers, and to this end they enchant them with metres and entrance them with fables and in a word do anything to give pleasure.
Δάμις: ἀλλʼ, ὦ θαυμάσιε, ποιητὴν μὲν ἀγαθὸν Ὅμηρον γενέσθαι πάντες σοι συνομολογήσουσι, μάρτυρα δὲ ἀληθῆ περὶ τῶν τοιούτων οὔτʼ ἐκεῖνον οὔτε ἄλλον ποιητὴν οὐδένα· οὐ γὰρ ἀληθείας μέλει αὐτοῖς, οἶμαι, ἀλλὰ τοῦ κηλεῖν τοὺς ἀκούοντας, καὶ διὰ τοῦτο μέτροις τε κατᾴδουσι καὶ μύθοις κατηχοῦσι καὶ ὅλως ἅπαντα ὑπὲρ τοῦ τερπνοῦ μηχανῶνται.
40. DAMIS: However, I should like to know what it was of Homer’s that convinced you most. What he says about Zeus, how his daughter and his brother and his wife made a plot to fetter him? If Thetis had not summoned Briareus, our excellent Zeus would have been caught and put in chains. For this he returned thanks to Thetis by deceiving Agamemnon, sending a false vision to him, in order that many of the Achaeans might lose their lives. Don’t you see, it was impossible for him to hurl a thunderbolt and burn. up Agamemnon himself without making himself out a liar? Or perhaps you were most inclined to believe when you heard how Diomed wounded Aphrodite and then even Ares himself at the suggestion of Athena, and how shortly afterwards the gods themselves fell to and began duelling promiscuously, males and females; Athena defeated Ares, already overtaxed, no doubt by the wound he had received from Diomed, and "Leto fought against Hermes, the stalwart god of good fortune.” Or perhaps you thought the tale about Artemis credible, that, being a fault-finding person, she got angry when she was not invited to a feast by Oeneus and so turned loose on his land a monstrous boar of irresistible strength. Did Homer convince you by saying that sort of thing?
40. Δάμις: ἀτὰρ ἡδέως ἂν καὶ ἀκούσαιμι οἷστισι μάλιστα ἐπείσθης τῶν Ὁμήρου· ἆρα οἷς περὶ τοῦ Διὸς λέγει, ὡς ἐπεβούλευον συνδῆσαι αὐτὸν ἡ θυγάτηρ καὶ ὁ ἀδελφὸς καὶ ἡ γυνή; καὶ εἴ γε μὴ τὸν Βριάρεων ἡ Θέτις ἐκάλεσεν ἐπεπέδητο ἂν ἡμῖν ὁ βέλτιστος Ζεὺς συναρπασθείς. ἀνθʼ ὧν καὶ ἀπομνημονεύων τῇ Θέτιδι τὴν εὐεργεσίαν ἐξαπατᾷ τὸν Ἀγαμέμνονα ὄνειρόν τινα ψευδῆ ἐπιπέμψας, ὡς πολλοὶ τῶν Ἀχαιῶν ἀποθάνοιεν. ὁρᾷς; ἀδύνατον γὰρ ἦν αὐτῷ κεραυνὸν ἐμβαλόντι καταφλέξαι τὸν Ἀγαμέμνονα αὐτὸν ἄνευ τοῦ ἀπατεῶνα εἶναι δοκεῖν. ἢ ἐκεῖνά σε μάλιστα εἰς τὴν πίστιν ἐπεσπάσαντο, ἀκούοντα ὡς Διομήδης μὲν ἔτρωσε τὴν Ἀφροδίτην, εἶτα τὸν Ἄρη αὐτὸν Ἀθηνᾶς παρακελεύσει, μετὰ μικρὸν δὲ αὐτοὶ συμπεσόντες οἱ θεοὶ ἐμονομάχουν ἀναμὶξ ἄρρενες καὶ θήλειαι, καὶ Ἀθηνᾶ μὲν Ἄρη καταγωνίζεται ἅτε καὶ προπεπονηκότα, οἶμαι, ἐκ τοῦ τραύματος ὃ παρὰ τοῦ Διομήδους εἰλήφει, Λητοῖ δʼ ἀντέστη σῶκος ἐριούνιος Ἑρμῆς; ἢ τὰ περὶ τῆς Ἀρτέμιδός σοι πιθανὰ ἔδοξεν, ὡς ἐκείνη μεμψίμοιρος οὖσα ἠγανάκτησεν οὐ κληθεῖσα ἐφʼ ἑστίασιν ὑπὸ τοῦ Οἰνέως, καὶ διὰ τοῦτο σῦν τινα ὑπερφυᾶ καὶ ἀνυπόστατον τὴν ἀλκὴν ἐπαφῆκεν ἐπὶ τὴν χώραν αὐτοῦ; ἆρʼ οὖν τὰ τοιαῦτα λέγων σε Ὅμηρος πέπεικε;
41. ZEUS: I say, gods! what a shout the crowd raised, applauding Damis! Our man seems to be in a fix. In fact he is sweating and quaking; it’s clear he is going to throw up the sponge, and is already looking about for a place to slip out and run away.
41. Ζεύς: βαβαί· ἡλίκον, ὦ θεοί, ἀνεβόησε τὸ πλῆθος, ἐπαινοῦντες τὸν Δᾶμιν· ὁ δʼ ἡμέτερος ἀπορουμένῳ ἔοικεν· ἰδίει γοῦν καὶ ὑποτρέμει καὶ δῆλός ἐστιν ἀπορρίψων τὴν ἀσπίδα, καὶ ἤδη περιβλέπει οἷ παρεκδὺς ἀποδράσεται.
TIMOCLES: I suppose you don’t think that Euripides is telling the truth either, when he puts the gods themselves on the stage and shows them saving the herves and destroying villains and impious fellows like yourself?
Τιμοκλῆς: οὐδʼ Εὐριπίδης ἄρα σοι δοκεῖ λέγειν τι ὑγιές, ὁπόταν αὐτοὺς ἀναβιβασάμενος τοὺς θεοὺς ἐπὶ τὴν σκηνὴν δεικνύῃ σώζοντας μὲν τοὺς χρηστοὺς τῶν ἡρώων, τοὺς πονηροὺς δὲ καὶ κατὰ σὲ τὴν ἀσέβειαν ἐπιτρίβοντας;
DAMIS: Why, Timocles, you doughtiest of philosophers, if the playwrights have convinced you by doing this, you must needs believe either that Polus and Aristodemus and Satyrus are gods for the nonce, or that the very masks representing the gods, the buskins, the trailing tunics, the cloaks, gauntlets, padded paunches and all the other things with which they make tragedy grand are divine; and that is thoroughly ridiculous. I assure you when Euripides, following his own devices, says what he thinks without being under any constraint imposed by the requirements of his plays, you will hear him speaking frankly then:Dost see on high this boundless sweep of airThat lappeth earth about in yielding arms?Hold this to be Zeus, and believe it God.And again:'Twas Zeus, whoever Zeus is, for I know Him not, except by hearsay.and so on.
Δάμις: ἀλλʼ, ὦ γενναιότατε φιλοσόφων Τιμόκλεις, εἰ ταῦτα ποιοῦντες οἱ τραγῳδοὶ πεπείκασί σε, ἀνάγκη δυοῖν θάτερον, ἤτοι Πῶλον καὶ Ἀριστόδημον καὶ Σάτυρον ἡγεῖσθαί σε θεοὺς εἶναι τότε ἢ τὰ πρόσωπα τῶν θεῶν αὐτὰ καὶ τοὺς ἐμβάτας καὶ τοὺς ποδήρεις χιτῶνας καὶ χλαμύδας καὶ χειρῖδας καὶ προγαστρίδια καὶ τἆλλα οἷς ἐκεῖνοι σεμνύνουσι τὴν τραγῳδίαν, ὅπερ καὶ γελοιότατον· ἐπεὶ καθʼ ἑαυτὸν ὁπόταν ὁ Εὐριπίδης, μηδὲν ἐπειγούσης τῆς χρείας τῶν δραμάτων, τὰ δοκοῦντά οἱ λέγῃ, ἀκούσῃ αὐτοῦ τότε παρρησιαζομένου,ὁρᾷς τὸν ὑψοῦ τόνδʼ ἄπειρον αἰθέρακαὶ γῆν πέριξ ἔχονθʼ ὑγραῖς ἐν ἀγκάλαις;τοῦτον νόμιζε Ζῆνα, τόνδʼ ἡγοῦ θεόν.καὶ πάλιν, Ζεύς, ὅστις ὁ Ζεύς, οὐ γὰρ οἶδα, πλὴν λόγῳ κλύων. καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα.
42. TIMOCLES: Well ‘then, all men and all nations have been mistaken in believing in gods and celebrating festivals?
42. Τιμοκλῆς: οὐκοῦν ἅπαντες ἄνθρωποι καὶ τὰ ἔθνη ἐξηπάτηνται θεοὺς νομίζοντες καὶ πανηγυρίζοντες;
DAMIS: Thank you kindly, Timocles, for-reminding me of what the nations believe... From that you can discern partitularly well that there is nothing in the theory of gods, for the confusion is great, and some believe one thing, some another. The Scythians offer sacrifice to a scimitar, the Thracians to Zamolxis, a runaway slave who came to them from Samos, the Phrygians to Men, the Ethiopians to Day, the Cyllenians to’ Phales, the Assyrians to a dove, the Persians to fire, and the Egyptians to water. And while all the Egyptians in common have water for a god, the people of Memphis have the bull, the people of Pelusium a wild onion, others an ibis or a crocodile, others a dog-faced god or a cat or a monkey. Moreover, taking them by villages, some hold the right shoulder a god and others, who dwell opposite them, the left; others, half.a skull, and others an earthen cup or dish. Isn’t that matter for laughter, good Timocles?
Δάμις: εὖ γε, ὦ Τιμόκλεις, ὅτι με ὑπέμνησας τῶν κατὰ ἔθνη νομιζομένων, ἀφʼ ὧν μάλιστα συνίδοι τις ἂν ὡς οὐδὲν βέβαιονὁ περὶ θεῶν λόγος ἔχει· πολλὴ γὰρ ἡ ταραχὴ καὶ ἄλλοι ἄλλα νομίζουσι, Σκύθαι μὲν ἀκινάκῃ θύοντες καὶ Θρᾷκες Ζαμόλξιδι, δραπέτῃ ἀνθρώπῳ ἐκ Σάμου ὡς αὐτοὺς ἥκοντι, Φρύγες δὲ Μήνῃ καὶ Αἰθίοπες Ἡμέρᾳ καὶ Κυλλήνιοι Φάλητι καὶ Ἀσσύριοι περιστερᾷ καὶ Πέρσαι πυρὶ καὶ Αἰγύπτιοι ὕδατι. καὶ τοῦτο μὲν ἅπασι κοινὸν τοῖς Αἰγυπτίοις τὸ ὕδωρ, ἰδίᾳ δὲ Μεμφίταις μὲν ὁ βοῦς θεός, Πηλουσιώταις δὲ κρόμμυον, καὶ ἄλλοις ἶβις ἢ κροκόδειλος καὶ ἄλλοις κυνοκέφαλος ἢ αἴλουρος ἢ πίθηκος· καὶ ἔτι κατὰ κώμας τοῖς μὲνὁ δεξιὸς ὦμος θεός, τοῖς δὲ κατʼ ἀντιπέρας οἰκοῦσιν ἅτερος· καὶ ἄλλοις κεφαλῆς ἡμίτομον, καὶ ἄλλοις ποτήριον κεραμεοῦν ἢ τρύβλιον. ταῦτα πῶς οὐ γέλως ἐστίν, ὦ καλὲ Τιμόκλεις;Μῶμος: οὐκ ἔλεγον, ὦ θεοί, ταῦτα πάντα ἥξειν εἰς τοὐμφανὲς καὶ ἀκριβῶς ἐξετασθήσεσθαι;Ζεύς: ἔλεγες, ὦ Μῶμε, καὶ ἐπετίμας ὀρθῶς, καὶ ἔγωγε πειράσομαι ἐπανορθώσασθαι αὐτά, ἢν τὸν ἐν ποσὶ τοῦτον κίνδυνον διαφύγωμεν.
43. MOMUS: Didn't I tell you, gods, that all this would come out and be thoroughly looked into?ZEUS: You did, Momus, and your criticism was just. I shall try to set it all right if we escape this immediate danger.TIMOCLES: But, you god-hater, how about the oracles and pre- dictions of coming events? whose work can you call them except that of the gods and their providence?
43. Τιμοκλῆς: ἀλλʼ, ὦ θεοῖς ἐχθρὲ σύ, τοὺς χρησμοὺς καὶ προαγορεύσεις τῶν ἐσομένων τίνος ἔργον ἂν εἴποις ἢ θεῶν καὶ τῆς προνοίας τῆς ἐκείνων;
DAMIS: Don’t say a word about the oracles, my worthy friend, or else I'l ask you which of them you want to cite. The one that Apollo gave the Lydian, which was thoroughly double-edged and two-faced, like some of our Herms, which are double and just alike on both sides, whichever way you look at them; for what was there to show that Croesus by crossing the Halys would destroy his own kingdom rather than that of Cyrus? And yet the luckless Sardian had paid a. good many thousands for that ambidextrous verse.
Δάμις: σιώπησον, ὦ ἄριστε, περὶ τῶν χρησμῶν, ἐπεὶ ἐρήσομαί σε τίνος αὐτῶν μάλιστα μεμνῆσθαι ἀξιοῖς; ἆρʼ ἐκείνου ὃν τῷ Λυδῷ ὁ Πύθιος ἔχρησεν, ὃς ἀκριβῶς ἀμφήκης ἦν καὶ διπρόσωπος, οἷοί εἰσι τῶν Ἑρμῶν ἔνιοι, διττοὶ καὶ ἀμφοτέρωθεν ὅμοιοι πρὸς ὁπότερον ἂν αὐτῶν μέρος ἐπιστραφῇς; ἢ τί γὰρ μᾶλλον ὁ Κροῖσος διαβὰς τὸν Ἅλυν τὴν αὑτοῦ ἀρχὴν ἢ τὴν Κύρου καταλύσει; καίτοι οὐκ ὀλίγων ταλάντων ὁ Σαρδιανὸς ἐκεῖνος ὄλεθρος τὸ ἀμφιδέξιον τοῦτο ἔπος ἐπρίατο.
MOMUS: Gods, the man keeps saying the very things that I most feared. Where is our handsome musician now? (Zo Arotto) Go down and defend yourself to him against these charges!
Μῶμος: αὐτά που, ὦ θεοί, ἁνὴρ διεξέρχεται λέγων ἃ ἐδεδίειν μάλιστα. ποῦ νῦν ὁ καλὸς ἡμῖν κιθαρῳδός; ἀπολόγησαι αὐτῷ κατελθὼν πρὸς ταῦτα.
ZEUS: You are boring us to extinction, Momus, with yout untimely eriticism.
Ζεύς: σὺ ἡμᾶς ἐπισφάττεις, ὦ Μῶμε, οὐκ ἐν καιρῷ νῦν ἐπιτιμῶν.
44. TIMOCLES: Take care what you are doing, Damis, you miscreant! You are all but upsetting the very temples of the gods with your arguments, and their altars too.
44. Τιμοκλῆς: ὅρα οἷα ποιεῖς, ὦ ἀλιτήριε Δᾶμι, μονονουχὶ τὰ ἕδη αὐτὰ τῶν θεῶν ἀνατρέπεις τῷ λόγῳ καὶ βωμοὺς αὐτῶν.
DAMIS: Not all the altars, as far as I am concerned, Timocles; for what harm do they do if they are full of incense and sweet savour? But I should be glad to see the altars of Artemis among the’ Tauvians turned: completely upside down, those on which the maiden goddess used to enjoy such horrid feasts.
Δάμις: οὐ πάντας ἔγωγε τοὺς βωμούς, ὦ Τιμόκλεις. τί γὰρ καὶ δεινὸν ἀπʼ αὐτῶν γίγνεται, εἰ θυμιαμάτων καὶ εὐωδίας μεστοί εἰσι; τοὺς δὲ ἐν Ταύροις τῆς Ἀρτέμιδος ἡδέως ἂν ἐπεῖδον ἐκ βάθρων ἐπὶ κεφαλὴν ἀνατρεπομένους, ἐφʼ ὧν τοιαῦτα ἡ παρθένος εὐωχουμένη ἔχαιρεν.
ZEUS: Where did he get this insufferable stuff that he is pouring out on us? He doesn’t spare any of the gods, but speaks out like a fishwife andTakes first one, then the other, the guiltless along with the guilty.
Ζεύς: τουτὶ πόθεν ἡμῖν τὸ ἄμαχον κακὸν ἐπιχεῖ; ὡς δαιμόνων οὐδενὸς ἁνὴρ φείδεται, ἀλλʼ ἐξ ἁμάξης παρρησιάζεται καὶ μάρπτει ἑξείης, ὅς τʼ αἴτιος ὅς τε καὶ οὐκί.
MOMUS: I tell you, Zeus, you'll find few that are guiltless among us, and possibly as he continues the man will soon fasten on a certain person of prominence.
Μῶμος: καὶ μὴν ὀλίγους ἄν, ὦ Ζεῦ, τοὺς ἀναιτίους εὕροις ἐν ἡμῖν· καί που τάχα προϊὼν ὁ ἄνθρωπος ἅψεται καὶ τῶν κορυφαίων τινός.
45. TIMOCLES: Then can’t you even hear Zeus when he thunders, Damis, you god-fighter?
45. Τιμοκλῆς: οὐδὲ βροντῶντος ἄρα τοῦ Διὸς ἀκούεις, ὦ θεομάχε Δᾶμι;
DAMIS: Why shouldn’t I hear thunder, Timocles? But whether it is Zeus that thunders or not, you no doubt know best, coming as you do from some place or other where the gods live! However, the people who come here from Crete tell us a different tale, that a grave is pointed out there with a tombstone standing upon it which proves that Zeus cannot thunder any more, as he has been dead this long time.
Δάμις: καὶ πῶς οὐ μέλλω βροντῆς ἀκούειν, ὦ Τιμόκλεις; εἰ δʼ ὁ Ζεὺς ὁ βροντῶν ἐστι, σὺ ἄμεινον ἂν εἰδείης ἐκεῖθέν ποθεν παρὰ τῶν θεῶν ἀφιγμένος· ἐπεὶ οἵ γε ἐκ Κρήτης ἥκοντες ἄλλα ἡμῖν διηγοῦνται, τάφον τινὰ κεῖθι δείκνυσθαι καὶ στήλην ἐφεστάναι δηλοῦσαν ὡς οὐκέτι βροντήσειεν ἂν ὁ Ζεὺς πάλαι τεθνεώς.
MOMUS: I knew far in advance that the fellow would say that. But why have you become so pale, Zeus, and why do you tremble till your teeth chatter? You should be bold and despise such mannikins.
Μῶμος: τοῦτʼ ἐγὼ πρὸ πολλοῦ ἠπιστάμην ἐροῦντα τὸν ἄνθρωπον. τί δʼ οὖν, ὦ Ζεῦ, ὠχρίακας ἡμῖν καὶ συγκροτεῖς τοὺς ὀδόντας ὑπὸ τοῦ τρόμου; θαρρεῖν χρὴ καὶ τῶν τοιούτων ἀνθρωπίσκων καταφρονεῖν.
ZEUS: What’s that you say, Momus? Despise them? don’t you see how many are listening, and how they have already been persuaded against us and he is leading them after him tethered by the ears?
Ζεύς: τί λέγεις, ὦ Μῶμε; καταφρονεῖν; οὐχ ὁρᾷς ὅσοι ἀκούουσι καὶ ὡς συμπεπεισμένοι εἰσὶν ἤδη καθʼ ἡμῶν καὶ ἀπάγει αὐτοὺς ἀναδησάμενος τῶν ὤτων ὁ Δᾶμις;
MOMUS: But whenever you like, Zeus, you can let down a cord of gold andSway them aloft, with the earth and the sea, too, into the bargain.
Μῶμος: ἀλλὰ σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, ὁπόταν θελήσῃς, σειρὴν χρυσείην καθεὶς ἅπαντας αὐτοὺς αὐτῇ κεν γαίῃ ἐρύσαις αὐτῇ τε θαλάσσῃ.
46. TIMOCLES: Tell me, you scoundrel, have you ever made a voyage?
46. Τιμοκλῆς: εἰπέ μοι, ὦ κατάρατε, πέπλευκας ἤδη ποτέ;
DAMIS: Yes, often, Timocles.
Δάμις: καὶ πολλάκις, ὦ Τιμόκλεις.
TIMOCLES: Well, you were kept in motion then, were you not, either by-the wind striking the canvas and filling the sails, or else by the rowers, but the steering was done by a single man in ‘command, who kept the vessel safe?
Τιμοκλῆς: οὔκουν ἔφερε μὲν ὑμᾶς τότε ἢ ἄνεμος ἐμπίπτων τῇ ὀθόνῃ καὶ ἐμπιπλὰς τὰ ἀκάτια ἢ οἱ ἐρέττοντες, ἐκυβέρνα δὲ εἷς τις ἐφεστὼς καὶ ἔσωζε τὴν ναῦν;
DAMIS: Yes, certainly.
Δάμις: καὶ μάλα.
TIMOCLES: Then do you suppose that while the ship would not sail if she were not steered, this universe keeps in motion unsteered and unofficered?
Τιμοκλῆς: εἶτα ἡ ναῦς μὲν οὐκ ἂν ἔπλει μὴ κυβερνωμένη, τὸ δὲ ὅλον τοῦτο ἀκυβέρνητον οἴει καὶ ἀνηγεμόνευτον φέρεσθαι;
ZEUS: Good! Timocles put that very shrewdly, with a valid illustration.
Ζεύς: εὖ γε, συνετῶς ὁ Τιμοκλῆς ταῦτα καὶ ἰσχυρῷ τῷ παραδείγματι.
47. DAMIS: Why, Timocles, you superlative admirer of the gods, in the one case you would have seen the captain always planning what had better be done and making ready beforehand and giving orders to the crew, and the ship would contain nothing at all that was profitless and senseless, that was not wholly useful and necessary to them for their voyage. But in the other case your captain, the one who, you say, is in command of this great ship, manages nothing in a sensible or fitting way, and neither do the members of his crew; the forestay is carried aft, maybe, and both the sheets forward, the anchors are sometimes ‘of gold while the figurehead is of lead, and all the ship’s underbody is painted while her upper works are unsightly.
47. Δάμις: ἀλλʼ, ὦ θεοφιλέστατε Τιμόκλεις, τὸν μὲν κυβερνήτην ἐκεῖνον εἶδες ἂν ἀεὶ τὰ συμφέροντα ἐπινοοῦντα καὶ πρὸ τοῦ καιροῦ παρασκευαζόμενον καὶ προστάττοντα τοῖς ναύταις, ἀλυσιτελὲς δὲ οὐδὲ ἄλογον οὐδέν τι εἶχεν ἡ ναῦς ὃ μὴ χρήσιμον πάντως καὶ ἀναγκαῖον ἦν πρὸς τὴν ναυτιλίαν αὐτοῖς· ὁ δὲ σὸς οὗτος κυβερνήτης, ὃν τῇ μεγάλῃ ταύτῃ νηῒ ἐφεστάναι ἀξιοῖς, καὶ οἱ συνναῦται αὐτοῦ οὐδὲν εὐλόγως οὐδὲ κατὰ τὴν ἀξίαν διατάττουσιν, ἀλλʼ ὁ μὲν πρότονος, εἰ τύχοι, ἐς τὴν πρύμναν ἀποτέταται, οἱ πόδες δʼ ἐς τὴν πρῷραν ἀμφότεροι· καὶ χρυσαῖ μὲν αἱ ἄγκυραι ἐνίοτε, ὁ χηνίσκος δὲ μολυβδοῦς, καὶ τὰ μὲν ὕφαλα κατάγραφα, τὰ δὲ ἔξαλα τῆς νεὼς ἄμορφα.
48. DAMIS: Among the sailors themselves you will see that one who is lazy and lubberly and has no heart for his work has a warrant or evena commission, while another who is fearless at diving and handy in manning the yards and best acquainted with everything that needs to be done, is set to pumping ship. So too with the passengers: you'll see some gallows-bird or other sitting on the quarter deck beside the captain and receiving attentions, and another, a profligate, a parricide or a temple-robber, getting inordinate honour and taking up the whole deck of the ship, while a lot of good fellows are crowded into a corner of the hold and trampled on by men who are really their inferiors. Just think, for example, what a voyage Socrates and Aristides and Phocion had, without biscuits enough to eat and without even room to stretch their legs on the bare boards alongside the bilgewater, and on the other hand what favours Callias and Midias and Sardanapalus enjoyed, rolling in luxury and spitting on those beneath them!
48. Δάμις: καὶ αὐτῶν δὲ τῶν ναυτῶν ἴδοις ἂν τὸν μὲν ἀργὸν καὶ ἄτεχνον καὶ ἄτολμον πρὸς τὰ ἔργα διμοιρίτην ἢ τριμοιρίτην, τὸν δὲ κατακολυμβῆσαί τε ἄοκνον καὶ ἐπὶ τὴν κεραίαν ἀναπηδῆσαι ῥᾴδιον καὶ εἰδότα τῶν χρησίμων ἕκαστα μόνον, τοῦτον ἀντλεῖν προστεταγμένον· τὰ δὲ αὐτὰ καὶ ἐν τοῖς ἐπιβάταις, μαστιγίαν μέν τινα ἐν προεδρίᾳ παρὰ τὸν κυβερνήτην καθήμενον καὶ θεραπευόμενον, καὶ ἄλλον κίναιδον ἢ πατραλοίαν ἢ ἱερόσυλον ὑπερτιμώμενον καὶ τὰ ἄκρα τῆς νεὼς κατειληφότα, χαρίεντας δὲ πολλοὺς ἐν μυχῷ τοῦ σκάφους στενοχωρουμένους καὶ ὑπὸ τῶν πρὸς ἀλήθειαν χειρόνων πατουμένους· ἐννόησον γοῦν ὅπως μὲν Σωκράτης καὶ Ἀριστείδης ἔπλευσαν καὶ Φωκίων, οὐδὲ τὰ ἄλφιτα διαρκῆ ἔχοντες οὐδὲ ἀποτεῖναι τοὺς πόδας δυνάμενοι ἐπὶ γυμνῶν τῶν σανίδων παρὰ τὸν ἄντλον, ἐν ὅσοις δὲ ἀγαθοῖς Καλλίας καὶ Μειδίας καὶ Σαρδανάπαλλος, ὑπερτρυφῶντες καὶ τῶν ὑφʼ αὑτοῖς καταπτύοντες.
49. DAMIS: That is what goes on in your ship, Timocles, you greatest of sages, and that is why the disasters are countless. But if there were really a captain in command who saw and directed everything, first of all he would not have failed to know who were the good and who were the bad among the men aboard, and secondly he would have given each man his due according to his worth, giving to the better men the better quarters beside him on deck and to the worse the quarters in the hold; some of them he would have made his messmates and advisers, and as for the crew, a zealous man would have been assigned to command forward or in the waist, or at any rate somewhere or other over the heads of the rest, while a timorous, shiftless one would get clouted over the head half a dozen times a day with the rope’s end. Consequently, my interesting friend, your comparison of the ship would seem to have capsized for the want of a good captain.
49. Δάμις: τοιαῦτα ἐν τῇ νηΐ σου γίνεται, ὦ σοφώτατε Τιμόκλεις· διὰ τοῦτο αἱ ναυαγίαι μυρίαι. εἰ δέ τις κυβερνήτης ἐφεστὼς ἑώρα καὶ διέταττεν ἕκαστα, πρῶτον μὲν οὐκ ἂν ἠγνόησεν οἵτινες οἱ χρηστοὶ καὶ οἵτινες οἱ φαῦλοι τῶν ἐμπλεόντων, ἔπειτα ἑκάστῳ κατὰ τὴν ἀξίαν τὰ προσήκοντα ἀπένειμεν ἄν, χώραν τε τὴν ἀμείνω τοῖς ἀμείνοσι παρʼ αὑτὸν ἄνω, τὴν κάτω δὲ τοῖς χείροσι, καὶ συσσίτους ἔστιν οὓς καὶ συμβούλους ἐποιήσατʼ ἄν, καὶ τῶν ναυτῶν ὁ μὲν πρόθυμος ἢ πρῴρας ἐπιμελητὴς ἀπεδέδεικτʼ ἂν ἢ τοίχου ἄρχων ἢ πάντως πρὸ τῶν ἄλλων, ὁ δὲ ὀκνηρὸς καὶ ῥᾴθυμος ἐπαίετʼ ἂν τῷ καλωδίῳ πεντάκις τῆς ἡμέρας εἰς τὴν κεφαλήν. ὥστε σοι, ὦ θαυμάσιε, τὸ τῆς νεὼς τοῦτο παράδειγμα κινδυνεύει περιτετράφθαι κακοῦ τοῦ κυβερνήτου τετυχηκός.
50. MOMUS: Things are going finely for Damis now, and he is driving under full sail to victory.
50. Μῶμος: ταυτὶ μὲν ἤδη κατὰ ῥοῦν προχωρεῖ τῷ Δάμιδι καὶ πλησίστιος ἐπὶ τὴν νίκην φέρεται.
ZEUS: Your figure is apt, Momus. Yet Timocles can’t think of anything valid, but launches at him these commonplace, every-day arguments one after another, all of them easy to capsize.
Ζεύς: ὀρθῶς, ὦ Μῶμε, εἰκάζεις. ὁ δʼ οὐδὲν ἰσχυρὸν ὁ Τιμοκλῆς ἐπινοεῖ, ἀλλὰ τὰ κοινὰ ταῦτα καὶ καθʼ ἡμέραν ἄλλα ἐπʼ ἄλλοις εὐπερίτρεπτα πάντα ἐπαντλεῖ.
51. TIMOCLES: Well then, as my comparison of the ship did not seem to you very valid, attend now to my sheetanchor, as they call it, which you can’t by any possibility cut away.
51. Τιμοκλῆς: οὐκοῦν ἐπεὶ τῆς νεὼς τὸ παράδειγμα οὐ πάνυ σοι ἰσχυρὸν ἔδοξεν εἶναι, ἄκουσον ἤδη τὴν ἱεράν, φασίν, ἄγκυραν καὶ ἣν οὐδεμιᾷ μηχανῇ ἀπορρήξεις.
ZEUS: What in the world is he going to say?
Ζεύς: τί ποτε ἄρα καὶ ἐρεῖ;
TIMOCLES: See whether I frame this syllogism logically, and whether you can capsize it in any way. If there are altars, there are also gods; but there are altars, ergo there are also gods. What have you to say to that?
Τιμοκλῆς: ἴδοις γὰρ εἰ ἀκόλουθα ταῦτα συλλογίζομαι, καὶ εἴ πῃ αὐτὰ δυνατόν σοι περιτρέψαι. εἰ γὰρ εἰσὶ βωμοί, εἰσὶ καὶ θεοί· ἀλλὰ μὴν εἰσὶ βωμοί, εἰσὶν ἄρα καὶ θεοί. τί πρὸς ταῦτα φής;
DAMIS: After I have laughed to my heart’s content I'll tell you.
Δάμις: ἢν πρότερον γελάσω ἐς κόρον, ἀποκρινοῦμαί σοι.
TIMOCLES: Well, it looks as if you would never stop laughing; tell me, though, how you thought what I said was funny.
Τιμοκλῆς: ἀλλὰ ἔοικας οὐδὲ παύσεσθαι γελῶν· εἰπὲ δὲ ὅμως ὅπη σοι γελοῖον ἔδοξε τὸ εἰρημένον εἶναι.
DAMIS: Because you do not see that your anchor is attached to a slender string—and it’s your sheetanchor at that! Having hitched the existence of gods to the existence of altars, you think you have made yourself a safe mooring. So, as you say you have no better sheet-anchor than this, let's be going.
Δάμις: ὅτι οὐκ αἰσθάνῃ ἀπὸ λεπτῆς κρόκης ἐξαψάμενός σου τὴν ἄγκυραν, καὶ ταῦτα ἱερὰν οὖσαν· τὸ γὰρ εἶναι θεοὺς τῷ βωμοὺς εἶναι συνδήσας ἰσχυρὸν οἴει ποιήσασθαι ἀπʼ αὐτῶν τὸν ὅρμον. ὥστε ἐπεὶ μηδὲν ἄλλο τούτου φὴς ἔχειν εἰπεῖν ἱερώτερον, ἀπίωμεν ἤδη.
52. TIMOCLES: You admit your defeat, then, by going away first?
52. Τιμοκλῆς: ὁμολογεῖς τοίνυν ἡττῆσθαι προαπιών;
DAMIS: Yes, Timocles, for like men threatened with violence from some quarter or other, you have taken refuge at the altars. Therefore I vow by the sheetanchor, I want to make an agreement with you now, right at the altars, not to dispute any more on this topic.
Δάμις: ναί, ὦ Τιμόκλεις. σὺ γὰρ ὥσπερ οἱ ὑπό τινων βιαζόμενοι ἐπὶ τοὺς βωμοὺς ἡμῖν καταπέφευγας. ὥστε, νὴ τὴν ἄγκυραν τὴν ἱεράν, ἐθέλω σπείσασθαι ἤδη πρὸς σὲ ἐπʼ αὐτῶν γε τῶν βωμῶν, ὡς μηκέτι περὶ τούτων ἐρίζοιμεν.
TIMOCLES: Are you mocking me, you ghoul, you miscreant, you abomination, you gallows-bird, you scum of the earth? Don’t we know who your father was, and how your mother was a courtesan, and that you strangled your brother and you run after women and corrupt the young, you height of all that’s lewd and shameless? Don’t run away! Take a thrashing from me before you go! Ill brain you right now with this brickbat, dirty miscreant that you are!
Τιμοκλῆς: εἰρωνεύῃ ταῦτα πρὸς ἐμέ, τυμβωρύχε καὶ μιαρὲ καὶ κατάπτυστε καὶ μαστιγία καὶ κάθαρμα; οὐ γὰρ ἴσμεν οὗτινος μὲν πατρὸς εἶ, πῶς δὲ ἡ μήτηρ σου ἐπορνεύετο, καὶ ὡς τὸν ἀδελφὸν ἀπέπνιξας καὶ μοιχεύεις καὶ τὰ μειράκια διαφθείρεις, λιχνότατε καὶ ἀναισχυντότατε; μὴ φεῦγε δʼ οὖν, ἕως καὶ πληγὰς παρʼ ἐμοῦ λαβὼν ἀπέλθῃς· ἤδη γάρ σε τουτῳὶ τῷ ὀστράκῳ ἀποσφάξω παμμίαρον ὄντα.
53. ZEUS: One is going away laughing, gods, and the other is following him up with abuse, because he can’t stand the mockery of Damis; it looks as if he would hithim on the head with the brickbat. But what ofus? What are we to do now?
53. Ζεύς: ὁ μὲν γελῶν, ὦ θεοί, ἄπεισιν, ὁ δʼ ἀκολουθεῖ λοιδορούμενος οὐ φέρων κατατρυφῶντα τὸν Δᾶμιν, καὶ ἔοικε πατάξειν αὐτὸν τῷ κεράμῳ ἐς τὴν κεφαλήν. ἡμεῖς δὲ τί ποιῶμεν ἐπὶ τούτοις;
HERMES: It seems to me that the comic poet hit it right when he said:No harm’s been done you if you none admit.What very great harm is it if a few men go away convinced of all this? The people who think diferently are in large majority, not only the rank and file of the Greeks, but the barbarians to a man.
Ἑρμῆς: ὀρθῶς ἐκεῖνό μοι ὁ κωμικὸς εἰρηκέναι δοκεῖ, οὐδὲν πέπονθας δεινόν, ἂν μὴ προσποιῇ. τί γὰρ καὶ ὑπέρμεγα κακόν, εἰ ὀλίγοι ἄνθρωποι πεπεισμένοι ταῦτα ἀπίασι; πολλῷ γὰρ οἱ τἀναντία γιγνώσκοντες πλείους, Ἑλλήνων ὁ πολὺς λεὼς βάρβαροί τε ἅπαντες.
ZEUS: Yes, Hermes, but what Darius said about Zopyrus is very much in point too. I myself had rather have this man Damis alone on my side than possess a thousand Babylons.
Ζεύς: ἀλλά, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, τὸ τοῦ Δαρείου πάνυ καλῶς ἔχον ἐστίν, ὃ εἶπεν ἐπὶ τοῦ Ζωπύρου· ὥστε καὶ αὐτὸς ἐβουλόμην ἂν ἕνα τοῦτον ἔχειν τὸν Δᾶμιν σύμμαχον ἢ μυρίας μοι Βαβυλῶνας ὑπάρχειν.